Ever wonder who uses Internet dating services like Match.com and eHarmony.com? The answer may surprise you. I think, “Well, gee, everybody uses them!” But that’s not the case. There’s a particular psychological profile that researchers have discovered of users of Internet dating services.
The researchers (Kim et al., 2009) surveyed 3,345 people in the U.S., of which 1,588 (47.5 %) were men and 1,757 (52.5 %) were women. Ages ranged from 19 to 89 with a mean of 48 years old. They gathered their data using a number of standardized questionnaires and psychological measures.
The researchers found that people who are more “sociable are more likely to use Internet dating services than are those who are less sociable. This finding challenges the stereotypical profiling of
Internet daters as being just lonely and socially anxious people.”
Indeed, that finding confirms the idea that Internet dating is firmly in the mainstream now. While that may have not been the case 10 years ago, times have changed and using the Internet as a means of finding a prospective partner is no longer thought of as unusual. The researchers finding in this regard is not unique — previous research has come to the same conclusion, so it’s considered a robust research finding. For people who are already sociable, using the Internet as a dating method is just one more tool at their disposal.
But not all sociable folks consider the use of Internet dating. If you have high self-esteem and consider romantic relationships to be an important part of your life, you’re more likely to use Internet dating. If you have low self-esteem and consider romantic relationships not to be an important part of your life, you’re also more likely to use Internet dating.
So the researchers found that if you have low self-esteem and put some value on to your romantic relationships, you’re actually less likely to use Internet dating.
The researchers explain the findings this way:
If the success of romantic relationships is the domain of self worth, one may try to increase the prospect of success and avoid failure in romantic relationships. In the context of Internet dating, when sociable people consider romantic relationships to be an important domain for self-worth, those with high self-esteem will be more likely than those with low self esteem to use Internet dating services.
The reason is that when sociable people consider romantic relationships to be an important domain for self-worth, those with high self-esteem will find it comfortable to present themselves to a multitude
of anonymous people, whereas those with low self-esteem will be more likely to experience a higher level of stress just thinking about disclosing and promoting themselves on the Internet. Less confident individuals may not want their negative self-views publicized or viewed by others.To reduce such negative feelings and protect their self-worth, those with low self-esteem will adopt avoidance strategies and distance themselves from Internet dating services.
Makes sense. High self-esteem folks feel like they have little to lose by trying Internet dating. Low self-esteem folks have more to lose, since more of their own self-value is tied up in the process — unless they say, “Ah, yeah, it’s nice to have a partner, but whatever. I’m also just fine without one.”
The upshot is that Internet dating is no longer the domain of the desperate nor those with low self-esteem (if it ever was).
The New York Times has a related article about the science (or lack thereof) behind the sites that claim such science helps you make better choices about dating. I think the science of such sites is ultimately of limited value, since no amount of data is going to predict whether two people will experience that indefinable quality of a “spark” on a first date. Without that, there will be no relationship.
Technology Review also weighed in this past week about the overwhelming number of choices of online dating and the research that has shown the more choices we have, the harder it can be sometimes to make a decision (“cognitive overload”). That’s why the sites try their best to offer you a way to limit the results displayed, but ultimately can fail in paring things down enough to make a difference to your brain.
Reference:
Kim, M., Kwon, K-N & Lee, M. (2009). Psychological Characteristics of Internet Dating Service Users: The Effect of Self-Esteem, Involvement, and Sociability on the Use of Internet Dating Services. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 12(4). DOI: 10.1089=cpb.2008.0296.
32 comments
that makes a lot of sense even though it confused me in the beginning, i guess people with low self esteem dread rejection and that’s why they are less likely to use such services
But I would also like to add that this research like most mainstream psychology research fails to take account of other populations of people. In this example, there are individuals who are socially isolated from mainstream dating outlets. Namely the gay and lesbian community. For this population of people, research has shown that social outlets for finding a suitable romantic partner are severely limited ( often to the club or pub scene) and therefore internet dating sites catering exclusively for this community is often the only form of connecting and not one of many available opportunities to find a suitable partner.
Interesting stuff, I suppose it’s a common perception that people on these sites are the more reclusive and desperate types. There are some notable sources of interference for your investigation though. People with something to hide might be likely to choose to use the internet as a romantic launchpad due to its utility as a sort of mask. What if you’re married with low self-esteem? You seek assurance that you’re still attractive, and you don’t confront your partner for fear of losing that notable source of affirmation. You turn to the internet for a safe way to seek extra-marital liaisons. I reckon it could be worth comparing ‘self-esteem’ correlations on different types of dating platform. Say between http://www.illicitencounters.com and http://www.mysinglefriend.com. They’re very different scenarios to be looking at. It’s probably obvious I’m not a scientist, but I’ve always found psychology interesting and scientist friends always tell me its study should be approached more scientifically.
Internet dating or rather Internet matrimony is the norm now not an exception in India. People of all hues seem to be using the Internet to find their mates and given India’s tradition of arranged marriages, the Internet is being used effectively by families to find the right mate. For the more romantically inclined, by that i mean those who desire to date rather than ‘fix’ a marriage, they are also referred to as the the ‘westernised’ in India, find it difficult to find mates in real life as well as the Internet and oneof the reasons is ‘cognitive overload’. This is a real problem and I personally know people who keep thinking ‘someone better might show up’. It is this aspect of Internet dating that needs to be studied.
I met my second husband on an internet dating site, and he and I both are sociable people with healthy self esteem. It’s a fine example of how marketing your assets and stating your ideals can result in meeting a highly compatible partner with the assistance of computer technology. We met online in 2004 and dated just over a year before becoming engaged, then married in October 2007. I have recommended this to my single girlfriends as a way to meet interesting people, but it’s important to be smart about what you believe online and deciding who to meet in person.
Online dating may be fully modern and in the mainstream, but most major internet dating sites still seem to be using old business methods. They charge high monthly premiums without doing all that much to benefit their users. Newer sites like http://www.postitos.com seem to be doing a lot to remedy this. Lower costs (just a one-time $5 dollar registration fee), great features like video listing and search by zipcode, and best of all, no automatic matching software which pairs you up with people you really don’t have anything in common with. Check it out!
Paul,
you are so right on! i have been wanting to join a dating online site but the are very $$$! what does Postitos mean? thank you for talking the time to blog this. i am going to check Postitos.com out right now!
thanks again!
Hey, men
I have a question to you… How do you feel yourself with women?
Recently I found an article about a new project taking place in the web. Have you ever heard about Virtual Wife (virtualwife.org? I think it is also the way to forget about your relationships problems whether you are married or not, and pity that I had no opportunity to find it earlier. It would help me a lot. If somebody still has the problems I had, hope to help you with passing such a life exam successfully.
Kim Spice has developed an online open diary of dating that has been viewed by many. It highlights various forms of meeting people, the dos and don’ts of 1st dates, and somewhat strange encounters
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2010/06/100-cups-of-coffee-the-ins-and-outs-of-internet-dating/
I think Internet dating is a very valuable method of meeting new people, especially in today world of work-home-work-home. People often do not know how to open a new conversation or are shy, thus Internet dating giving them an opportunity to talk without any obligations.
Internet dating may be almost the only way that a person of 61, divorced just last year, has of meeting women with the hope it works out possibly with one of them for a meaningful relationship. The problem is, at least as I see it, after almost one year, it brings more frustration than anything resembling happiness.
I intitiate well written messages to ladies. I am decent looking, perceptive, & in excellent shape. I hoped for better results but it has not worked for me. 80% of my multi-paragraphed messages are simply ignored. A few women respond, we exchange E-mails and then they stop writing. On several other instances, I received messages and responded because I appreciated their efforts. THis resulted in meeting several unattractive woman who apparently had initiated contact with me & quite a few other men as they saw it as a numbers game. So far, I think internet dating is overrated and poorly understood. Many people, including coworkers, long time friends, my children, even my ex wife think I am a quality ,honest person. However, when I initiate communication usually, as I mentioned, just get ignored. I think internet dating is heavily in favor of the women, at least in terms of being recognized. I do understand, since many women are poor judges of good men, that some women put themselves in harms way with their selection of “Prince Charming.”
I am 58 years old and single.
I was talking to an older gentleman last year he is in his eighties he explained to me that women are not in their Prime in their forties he thinks they are in there prime in their fifties…
Anyway he went on to tell me that when women reach 60 years old they don’t want or need a man it kind of made sense.
Internet dating is well and truly in the mainstream now and it’s true from our research that it is used by just about everyone. Yes of course there are dangers and scams but they exist offline as well, but what makes this good is you can meet people safely first and get to know them online before you meet in person. It is also a great way to form Intercultural relationships with other cultures and so it provides a valuable way of bringing our world and cultures closer together. Great post thanks.
Yes there are many benefits to be had from interacting with others even if you never meet. But we all seem to have less time these days to ‘go out looking’. Internet dating saves us lots of time, plus with all the niche dating sites around we are more able to find someone with the same interests. The ability to chat or even cam narrows our search down even further.. Of course there are no guarantees.. but there are none when you meet in a bar either..
I’ve met a lot of people on the Internet. I met my current (and hopefully LAST) boyfriend on POF over a year ago. We’re happily planning a future together.
I wish everyone well on their journey to finding love. Dating today is nothing like it was before I got married (the first time around).
Internet dating is happy hour for people who don’t feel like going to the meat market that most bars have become. Internet dating is a convenient and relatively safe (when done properly) way for anyone to explore their options in a time where we have been programmed to think that we need to have an unlimited amount of choices.
People shouldn’t internet date they should quit being lazy and go out and meet others instead of sitting around on there computers making people think they’re someone they’re not/… people need to get out more
I’m not sure there’s much value in telling people what they should or shouldn’t do, given that for now 1 out 5 people, Internet dating is the norm and works. In fact, I see little downside in trying Internet dating, since you get to know the basics about the person you’re meeting before you meet them… a far better situation than a random bar hookup.
Dear Dr. Grohol:
I am rather stunned by your very positive send-up for on-line dating. You state that one of the benefits is that members have a chance to “read” the profiles of those on-line “daters” and have a chance to get to know them before they actually meet. I have experience on E-Harmony, Match.com (I heard today that one woman was found dead after a Match.com date,) and most recently, OurTime, for those of us over 50. This is my experience. The question was posed: What type of men are attracted to on-line dating? Somebody mistakenly answered: socialized people. I am a highly educated woman of 55. I don’t know what happened to my “dating savvy” but I will tell you what I have learned about men who are looking for women on these sites. They are predatory. I recently learned what a sociopath is by hooking up with the very charming man, who knew every darn thing about me and had nine out of ten of my interests in common with me! How darned excitng is that? He has been maried three times, divorced three times, wiped out by the ex-wives three times, had the police called on him by his three ex-wives and yet, he was so very charming and a sociopath. The danger here is that he may be a psychopath but he sure was good at using my profile to line up his profile to almost match mine like magic. Although it took me about two days to complete all that Eharmony required – you know, to match us on 1,000 points? I am a liberal Democrat. I was matched with a man who was so far right politically that he was maybe an anarchist? Anti-social? But he had a 13 year old son and I did too. He told me this: “I’m thinking about getting the Playboy channel for my 13 year old.” My reply, “Oh, what do you hope he will learn – will he learn how to treat a woman, or what we all have in common or what we are looking for from men?” His reply was, “Oh, no. They show women giving blow jobs and other things I don’t want to teach him.” He was a real prince. Match.com – well, I’m just thankful that I made it through the one date I had with a “Good Mid-West, Catholic boy from a large, close family.” He works out at Edwards Airforce Base and lives near the base but has a 310 area code. Why? He told me that all that best people lived in the 310 area code. He looked at me and said these words: “I went to a party on San Vincente Blvd. – you wouldn’t know where that is – do you?” “Oh, no. Do tell!” “Well,” he continued after his second margarita – they have mansions and I went to a party at a great big one in Brentwood – do you know Brentwood? I didn’t think so. Anyway, I was sooo impressed with the man who gave the party because he remembered MY name.” I replied, “No! He actually called you Bill?” When I got home from that disaster, I emailed that good boy from the midwest with the Catholic values that didn’t exist or maybe he lost them on his way to the 310 area code he wanted to belong to. I told Bill this: “Hey Bill. San Vincente is actually San Vicente. I grew up in that place called “Brentwood” but I didn’t bother to tell you because you had already made up your mind about me and I sure had made up mine about you. You are so right. When you told me that I am not the type you are looking for and after the third margarita you confided in me that you were in love with some woman on another kind of dating site. Her introductory picture was of her spread eagled for all to see and I just didn’t think people could do that.” I learned about Narcissism, sociopaths, psychopaths, and other such friendly predators. So, tell me. What did you say again about these sites? Am I bitter? No. I am much more sophisticated and, although I have spent most of my life evidently missing the boat when it comes to these types of men, I know I will meet the right person when it’s my time. But, sir, I will not be using any more online, internet dating clubs because I have found in my research that predatory men are having the times of their lives with us naive and sweet-natured women. They are dangerous. They do not wish you well. So, please, please do not be remiss in telling women the dangers too. I am sorry to say this, but somebody has to.
To some extent I think the “medium” also influences the “message”. It seems like the very nature of internet dating often attracts a much larger share than “real life”, of certain “types” of singles, who actually prefer the anonymity, control, and total lack of accountability. The technical term for these folks is “narcissist”, and they don’t “do” intimacy & relationships so well to begin with. So that the older the age group, the more likely you are to encounter them in the “pool” of unattached singles.
Online relationship is satisfied here we are at individuals who do not experience like going to the beef industry that most cafes have become. Online relationship is a practical and relatively secure (when done properly) way for anyone to discover their choices in a time where we have been designed to think that we need to have an endless quantity of choices.
Single men at any age need hygienic activities especially the no charge one. Depend what’s men in any dating site is willing to search and to find. Some dating site members are online from two to twelve years and more. Woman receiving hundreds of invitation accelerates their self esteem and the hope to find the right one….error and mistake…. they will spend the rest of their life alone or with a pet. You will really know your partner only after the twelve orgasms Sigmund Freud told his best friend Thomas. Dating site contacts and conversations will not heal the loneliness, it make readaptation to the human nature very difficult for many long time members. In many instance for young individual its sex and money. Ladies over fifty mostly sex and monetary long term security. Dating site is cost advantageous for hygienic needs. Usually just a coffee, or lunch and spend twenty minutes or all night in bed, enjoying very much what’s Moses, Jesus and Mohamed for more than two thousand years have been trying to convince human being not to do it if not married…What for a waist? Life is very short, do the best you can, to enjoy every singleday….especially every single night
Words of advice about online dating:
1. Posting pictures on your profile is paramount. But unless the people who are viewing your profile are interested in photography, they are only interested in pictures of YOU. They are NOT interested in pictures of your family, pets, vacation, etc.(unless you’re in these pictures). So don’t post pictures you don’t appear in on your profile.
2. If you make a date and want to break it later, have the decency to call the person on the phone. Only cowards break a date by sending an email or a text message. Also, don’t act like a real jerk by either completely avoiding any contact with the person after you make a date….that is, not calling them, not answering their phone calls, and not returning them……., or waiting until they call you before you tell them you can’t keep the date. Again, have the decency to call them, and make the call when you know you’re not going to keep the date.
3. If someone sends you a message on an internet dating site, and you’re NOT interested, DON’T reply. Sending a reply will probably entice the person to keep sending you more messages. But if you do, don’t say something stupid like you’re already dating someone. It’s not believable….if that’s really your situation, then why are you on the dating site?
4. When you’re talking with someone from a dating site, on the phone, or in person, don’t ramble on and on endlessly about yourself. That’s a major turn off, and something you should know from basic common sense. But many people do it.
5. If the main picture on someone’s profile is appealing to you, and you’re thinking of contacting this person, have the common sense to look at ALL of their pictures, and anything else on their profile that may be important to you, BEFORE you decide to send them a message.
6. If you receive a call from someone you’ve given your number to, and you can’t talk to them at that time, then YOU should return the call. DON’T tell them to call back. They took the initiative to make the call, and obviously didn’t know it was a bad time for you to speak, so YOU should have the decency to make the return call.
7. If someone wants to meet you, but doesn’t have a cell phone or doesn’t want to give you their phone number, my suggestion is to not meet them. It’s possible that they could show up on the date very late or not show up at all for one reason or another, and they may not call to tell you, and you obviously wouldn’t be able to contact them. Also, it’s very unusual these days for anyone who doesn’t have a cell phone. So I really have to wonder what’s going on with people who say they don’t have one.
8.If you’re thinking of traveling out of town to meet someone who doesn’t live locally, you should first view at each other live through Skype, then you both can decide whether or not to meet. If either of you needs a web cam, you can buy one very inexpensively on Amazon. Viewing each other live doesn’t guarantee that there’s going to be a connection if you do decide to meet, but it will reduce the chances that there won’t be. If the person you’re thinking of meeting doesn’t want to do the live view….DON’T MEET THEM.
9. Don’t let your friends use your profile to browse through a dating site, especially if you’re a paid subscriber with full membership privileges. Sometimes the friends will contact other members on the site without your knowledge, the recipients will think it’s you, and when they find out it’s someone else, the outcome is not always friendly, …..OR the recipients may not be interested, but think you’re interested in them because they think you’re the one who sent the message … and you may run into them somewhere in the future which could be embarrassing……OR your friends could do something that violates the dating site’s terms and conditions which could get you kicked off the site. Most of these dating sites offer a free membership, which may not allow communication with other members, but do allow viewing other member profiles. So when your friends ask you to use your membership to view profiles on a dating site that you belong to, tell them to sign up for their own free membership.
10. Post the CORRECT city and state where you live in your profile….not a place where you used to live, where you want to live, or where your friend lives. It sounds like basic common sense, but intentionally posting a city, state or country where a person doesn’t live does happen. If you’re contacting someone on a dating site, and you tell the person you live somewhere different than what you have posted on your profile, it’s a real turn off, especially if you live in another state or country.
i think you are right on target,,,,, this dating on line, some bad. some good men,,,, just wish they stay closer to home instead all across the USA !!!!!!
The practice of searching for a romantic partner or soul mate on the Internet, typically via a dedicated website is called online dating.