Chances are that if you’ve been in a relationship, and you’re a woman, you’ve probably faked an orgasm. But did you know that men fake them too?
The research that brings us this important sexual discovery was conducted at the University of Kansas on 180 male and 101 female college students. The students completed an anonymous survey about their sexual habits.
Not surprisingly, some of the college students were still virgins — 15 percent of men and 32 percent of women surveyed had not yet had intercourse.
Of the students who had had sex, nearly 30 percent of men reported faking an orgasm, compared to 67 percent of women. Some of the participants admitted they also faked orgasm not only during regular sex, but during oral sex, manual stimulation and phone sex as well. The 67 percent number is comparable to past research, that has reported a similar percentage among women.
So why do we do it? Why fake an orgasm during intimacy, a time when you’d think we be putting our social masks aside?
The researchers asked these college students that question, and the most frequently reported reasons were:
- Orgasm was unlikely. — Sometimes it’s just not going to happen, and although this seems to be a more common issue amongst women, it can also happen with men. Especially if alcohol is involved.
- They wanted sex to end. — Closely linked to an orgasm is unlikely, sometimes a partner will want to keep having sex until their partner finishes. A fake orgasm brings sex to an end quickly.
- They wanted to avoid negative consequences. — Most people don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings, and that’s no more the case than with our romantic partner. A fake orgasm avoids the negative consequences of having another person feel badly that they didn’t perform “well enough” to bring the other person to climax.
- They wanted to please their partner. — Faking an orgasm shows that you care about your partner’s feelings of performance and self-esteem. Or so said the people who filled out the survey.
Why would an orgasm be unlikely or why would one want sex to end more quickly? Well, sometimes we’re not always in the same place sexually as our partner. So we agree to sex because we feel guilty or to put an end to the nagging. Or perhaps we agreed to have sex to help relieve stress, only to find it didn’t quite help in the way we had hoped. An orgasm is unlikely if your partner is stressed, not turned on, feels tired, or is put off by you or the relationship in some way. A faked orgasm during such times helps end the sex more quickly, without making your partner feel bad.
The researchers found that the responses suggested a sexual “script” that most of us follow, or would like to follow. Boy meets girl, girl takes boy to bed, girl has an orgasm before the boy. And the boy is response for the girl’s orgasm (although not as much, vice-a-versa). Faking an orgasm is a predictable response to this set of expectations, to ensure the “script” goes as smoothly as possible.
And with that, I leave you with the infamous public fake orgasm scene from “When Harry Met Sally:”
Sally: “Most women at one time or another have faked it.”
Harry: “Well they haven’t faked it with me.”
Sally: “How do you know?”
Harry: “Because I know.”
Sally: “Oh, right. I forgot, you’re a man… It’s just that all men are sure it’s never happened to them and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.”
Reference:
Muehlenhard CL. & Shippee SK. (2009). Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm. J Sex Res, 5, 1-16.
27 comments
Looking for seeing those results in print : )
Btw there’re similar results from phone survey by ABC News, see Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fake_orgasm
Great article Dr. John!
I teach human sexuality courses besides having my private practice and your article and the journal you referred to will be very helpful… and funny!
Thank you!
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D.
http://www.DrSam.tv
Hi John,
Firstly let me thank you for a very interesting yet controversial article;
I personally think that too much emphasis is put onto sexual performance and gratification.
Intimacy seems to be a over – shadowed aspect of many sexual relationships. For a couple to allow themselves to enjoy the journey and to forgo the end result or impact could result in a more satisfying sex life. To be completely vulnerable with your partner in all aspects can only reinforce the closeness that they already have.
This I feel would also go along way in removing the act or need to “fake it”
Thank you
Regards
Dawn Pugh
I am 53 years old, divorced 29 years, and to be honest with you, I don’t know if I ever experienced a real orgasm. Sometimes I think I did, I can’t be sure, but after having sex for 15 minutes, I just wanted it to end. I was tired. Most of the reasons is that the man does not do enough foreplay to stimulate me. Now it has been probably 10 years since I actually had intercourse. some sex and kissing that I wanted the man to stop, cause I did not want to have intercourse, so I told him, it had been a long time, and I wasn’t ready. The relationship ended a month later, and I am glad it did. For me to want to have sex again, I would have to be in-deep love with the man. Kissing has never done anything for me, although I have read, that it is suspose to get your body in the mood.
The real story is that women fake orgasms because they don’t like sex anyway. The real secret about sex between men and women is that women Don’t Like Sex…and they only engage for very defined reasons…not because they Like it…I can prove everything and more about the MYTH!
Prof. Davis,
You are saying that what you are saying is a MYTH, or the exact opposite?
Second, I don’t think college kids are a true sample of women and men in general. many women don’t have their first orgasm until they are older, even like until they are in their thirties.
Third, I will skip this point, because it won’t pay off.
Forth, what is the definition of a man faking an orgasm since he cannot fake an erection?
Or, can he?
Also, young boys of college age, even if at their peak in terms of arousal, are hardly at their peak when it comes to experience at being a good lover. Same with college girls.
They are just practicing. To be a good lover and to have good orgasms, you need to be able too have a different kind of intimacy besides ‘other validated intimacy’. You need to have ‘self validated intimacy’.
I am going to post these parts here, because they are so excellent, and beyond sex but including sex.
Acknowledgment to David Schnarch, PhD, author of ‘The Sexual Cubicle’, 1991
                                 Integrity and Intimacy
   Integrity for a person is comparable to integrity of a vessel: the boundaries or edges clearly separate what is internal from what is external, and the strength of the vessel allows it to contain internal pressure without leaking. In relationships, integrity makes it possible to be close without losing or abandoning oneself, to remain in emotional contact with another person’s pain without having to rescue or fix, and to feel one’s own pain and anger without having to blame or punish. Integrity enables a person to stay true to self and choiceful in actions(rather than reactive or defensive) regardless of the interpersonal situation. In other words, as integrity increases, there is a decreased need to control other people because one is more in control of self. Integrity can be defined as the ability to tolerate anxiety or tension for the sake of growth, and to remain non-reactive in the face of anxiety felt by a significant other.
…………………………..
The ability to maintain one’s integrity in relationship with others extends the range of possibilities for intimate contact with others. Intimacy happens when one is discovering and revealing oneself in the presence of a significant other. Although telling a partner important or private things about oneself can build closeness, the profound, immediate experience of intimacy (sometimes characterized as “I-Thou”) comes not from the content that is shared, but rather from allowing oneself to be known in the midst of self-discovering. In intimacy there is a spontaneous sense of surprising oneself, and a vulnerability that comes from not knowing if what is sensed within will be disturbing or pleasing. Intimacy may feel threatening, exciting, vivid- in other , intimacy generates anxiety. Sustaining that anxiety (or excitement) challenges one’s integrity, just as heating up the contents increases the stress on the structure of a vessel.
The more comfortable way to be intimate is when the listener is accepting or reciprocating. Then the partner’s response is experienced as loving, validating, mutual and safe. This can be called other validated intimacy. Relying on soothing, validating responses from the other person allows one to remain unaware that self-expression arouses anxiety. We often ‘fall in love’ with a person who provides ample validation; later, we may ‘battle it out’ to coerce the same person into delivering enough validation that the anxiety which accompanies self-definition can be avoided.
The less comfortable way to be intimate is to validate oneself, independent of the partner’s response. This means bringing the important parts of oneself into the relationship- including desires, emotions, limits, self-reflection, eroticism, spirituality, and so on- regardless of support or validation offered by the partner. This can be called self-validated intimacy. Mastering the anxiety this unilateral disclosure arouses requires relying on relationship -with-self and is a crucial part of growing more mature.
……………..
Both kinds of intimacy- other-validated and self-validated- are important and necessary. However, unless we have the capacity to validate ourselves, our integrity in life will depend on getting the ‘right kind’ support from others. No external force determines our capacity for self-validation; we develop it ourselves in moment-to-moment choices to face reality (internal and external) and to live with the anxiety we may feel as a result.
While other validated intimacy is the widespread ideal and expectation, self-validated intimacy is the bedrock of long term intimacy.
I don’t know about all that, but over in the Google Group, “A Civil Religious Debate” Michele Gennette (aka xnun) claimed that she never gets headaches and that she had an orgasm “about 3 hours ago” — which by my calculation based on the time of her post, would make it a nooner…. http://groups.google.com/group/a-civil-religious-debate/msg/0220ded157a6d310?hl=en
Pretty sure she didn’t fake that one!!
I just loved the article. Especially that part from the movie When Harry Met Sally.
woman can fake an orgasm, man can fake an entire relationship.
A witty saying proves nothing.
(And yes, I am FULLY aware of the irony in this statement. 😉 )
that’s very funny but so f****** true me and my girl thought the same thing too bad for women to fake orgasms I got a woman that does not need to fake my woman is 59 with a body of a 30 year old that’s why you go out with older women because they know what they want
Katrin, David Schnarch has a remarkably selfish view of sex, in my humble opinion.
Example: Could you imagine someone with crappy and sexual skills (use your imagination!) taking Schnarch to heart, self-validating himself and differentiating himself anyway, and saying “I am the MAN!”…while leaving you high and dry? Or, more likely, low (figuratively) and dry (literally)?
Well, as Schnarch himself says in the section you quote: “The less comfortable way to be intimate is to validate oneself, independent of the partner’s response.”
I don’t know about you, but my response to a male lover like that would be to self-validate and differentiate myself right out of that bed (and that relationship, for that matter). Forever!
Hi John,
Firstly let me thank you for a very interesting yet controversial article;
I personally think that too much emphasis is put onto sexual performance and gratification.
Intimacy seems to be a over – shadowed aspect of many sexual relationships. For a couple to allow themselves to enjoy the journey and to forgo the end result or impact could result in a more satisfying sex life. To be completely vulnerable with your partner in all aspects can only reinforce the closeness that they already have.
This I feel would also go along way in removing the act or need to “fake itâ€
Thank you
Regards
Dawn Pugh
Wow. I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
A little twist on Betty Friedan, here:
A woman faking an orgasm is like a fish without a bicycle.
I’m amazed at people. I truly am. Anyone–any man, anyway–who claims he’s there for *her* orgasm, is a loathsome deceiver hedging his bets, or he’s a fool.
Go on! Fake away! It’s the equivalent of a cheap, after-dinner peppermint placed by your plate at a pizza joint: *it has nothing whatever to do with what you’re there for*.
Honestly, why would a woman fake an orgasm unless she’s a whore? A woman doesn’t sleep with a guy to please him but to have him please her. If you’re with a guy who doesn’t give you huge vaginal orgasms, you’re obviously with him for his money.
Anyway, faking orgasms is a feminist myth again. Vaginal orgasms cannot be faked, as they have obvious bodily “symptoms”. I was about 35 years old when I first heard this bullsit. A guy who has ever been with a vaginally multiorgasmic woman, cannot mistake a female orgasm for anything else.
Yes, in a perfect world a woman (or man) shouldn’t fake an orgasm. We don’t live in a perfect world, at times we are tired/stressed/preoccupied but still want our partner to be happy.
I have been married to the very first man I went to bed with and have not known any other, since 2002. I was not aware there are times a woman needs to fake orgasm till recently. I still don’t see the point of it and the article does not really explain the point for either a man or a woman. If my husband knows that I am more likely to in the morning than in the evening (like in my case) then what is the problem?
Surely men must know that sometimes it does not happen for us and be OK with it. For a man to pretend it has happened is even more curious.
The article makes out that faking is common practice, I would whether it is only in certain cultures. How representative was the sample of different cultures?
I’m a late-comer to the discussion, so some of my replies will never be seen by the original posters.
@Nancy (and anyone else like her) – If you have to wonder whether or not you’ve ever had an orgasm, then I suspect you haven’t had one, and I know one thing for sure…you’ve never masturbated. Theres nothing wrong with it, modern medicine has proved its many bennefits. For one thing, it helps a woman learn about her own body, and its responses, which will let her be a useful guide to any male lover she has, enhancing the experience for both of you.
The thing about sex with a partner is that there are simply too many variables that can affect whether you’re able to orgasm. You’re relying on the partner to make it happen, and frankly, there are far too many men who lack the knowledge, experience, or motivation to make it happen. As some posts here indicate, there are a number of males out there who are concerned about orgasm being reached: if its his. Their attitude toward her pleasure is along the lines of “oh thats nice” if it happens to occur. So, ladies, if you let yourself be your own lover, you never have to worry about trusting your sexual fate to someone
who may not really care about it.
If you can get past any guilt or taboo you have associated with this, buy a small vibrator that doesn’t look too scary to you (you can mail-order them). Next step, go to any of the many websites (since you’re obviously online) that will educate you on female anatomy, so you’ll know for sure where to find the most important places to stimulate (your clitoris especially).
Then just make some quiet time for yourself…take a long soothing bath to help you relax…and then just lie on your bed and lightly run your hands over your skin, carressing yourself. Go slow. Only gradually shift to sensitive areas, like your breasts. Take your time and explore what feels best, and only use the vibe when you’re ready to intensify things. I realize that vibrators aren’t for everyone, so if you don’t like the way it feels (try the different settings) just keep using your hands.
I also realize that not everyone will orgasm from sex, or even from masturbation. If you can’t reach orgasm either way, then I would recommend its time to consult a Doctor. (Although, if you do have a partner, and he cares about getting you there… you need to try having him give you oral sex.)
As a straight male, I believe that one of the greatest responsibilities and privileges of being male is having the opportunity to make love to a woman. Men who have never placed their partner’s full satisfaction before their own basic needs have
missed out on a deeper sense of fulfillment, that surpasses merely reaching their own climax. Oh, you will get that, too, but it won’t be the be-all
and end-all of the experience for you.
@”Prof” Michael Davis, who had this to say:
“The real story is that women fake orgasms because they don’t like sex anyway. The real secret about sex between men and women is that women Don’t Like Sex…and they only engage for very defined reasons…not because they Like it…I can prove everything and more about the MYTH!”
Oh really? What are you a Professor of, Misogyny?
If you think women don’t, or can’t enjoy sex, you’re either talking to the wrong women, or you have some sort of agenda or bias, likely religious in origin.
_________________________________________________
@Peter, who said: “woman can fake an orgasm, man can fake an entire relationship”.
An old quote, only partially true. The reality is that self-centered, deceptive men can, and do, fake
the emotions that their partner is looking for in order to maintain a relationship that is convenient
for them in some way. The other half of the truth?
Sadly, there are women who do the EXACT SAME THING.
__________________________________________________
@CEE – a perfect example of the mindset of some (immature) males that I was criticizing in my first point. That is what it comes down to, after-
all. Maturity. Ever watched children as they grow up? When they’re really young, they are totally self-centered…”Mine, Mine!!!” They have to learn
to share, to think beyond the self. Any man who has the attitude “Fake away! I don’t care. Whether or not you orgasm, I still get mine!” is proving that he has never reached the level of maturity where he can rein in his own drives long enough to care about someone else. I pity not only their sexual partners, but them.
__________________________________________________
@kindereier –
If only this were true. I can’t tell from your post if you’re a man or a woman, but either way I think you’re underestimating how dense some guys can be…how inattentive they are to their partner.
Yes, her body lets you know in no uncertain terms when she’s reached orgasm…if you’re paying attention!
Thats why the few times I’ve had a woman fake one with me, I’ve known immediately it wasn’t real…for me that was just the equivalent of getting “the tap”…she wasn’t really into it anymore. When I know that, I don’t continue…why
bother?________________________________________________
@MaiChibwe
“How representative was the sample of different cultures?”
Considering it was done at a college in Kansas, I would say…not very!
I used to not fake orgasms. But I had some partners that insisted that I have one, but they were too impatient, too hard on my cliterous with their tongue or their hands. They touched me with cold hands or dry hands, delubricating me.
The best orgasms that I have is when partners have warm hands and warm wet tongues, take their time, meaning they use their tongues slowly, not rapidly. When using a tongue, they don’t swat at my cliterous, or suck on it, or pull it with their teeth, which is painful. When there is constant saliva and pressure on the tongue to my cliterous, I relax, and then in about 15 minutes or less, I’ll have one.
I used to fake with my ex, sometimes I just wasn’t in the mood but didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m sure she probably faked it with me too though lol
Sex IS FUN, enjoy it!
If you’re interested in your partner, sex, with or without an orgasim, is great. JUST ENJOY.
Of course, if you’re getting paid for having sex, time is money.