A lot of parents believe that if they teach their kids some common sense around sexuality, it’ll sink in and they won’t make bad decisions.
They, of course, would be wrong.
“Just say no” doesn’t work in the heat of the moment — it only works if the person walks away from the possibility of the heat of the moment long before they can be drawn in.
Why can’t teens (and even most adults) make good decisions surrounding sexuality and sexual situations when they’re occurring? It appears that humans generally make poorer decisions when under the influence of strong emotions. And what stronger emotion do most of experience outside of sexual arousal?
In an experiment conducted in 2006 on male college students, researchers Dan Ariely and his colleague George Lowenstein had subjects answer a wide ranging set of questions about sexual preferences, condom usage and immoral activities in two states — not aroused and very aroused (while masturbating). Subjects answered the questions using a computer and in the privacy of their own rooms. The findings? Participants answered they were nearly twice as likely to engage in somewhat odd sexual activities or immoral activities while aroused. When aroused, men were 25% less likely to be interested in using a condom.
As the researchers suggest from this data, “sexual arousal seems to narrow the focus of motivation, creating a kind of tunnel-vision where goals other than sexual fulfillment become eclipsed by the motivation to have sex.”
But surely everybody knows this, right? I mean, we know that when we’re emotionally upset, angry, joyous or aroused, we don’t always make the best decisions. But we don’t. Ariely and Lowenstein suggested that “people seem to have only limited insight into the impact of sexual arousal on their own judgments and behavior. Such an under-appreciation could be important for both individual and societal decision making.”
In other words, we generally have limited insight into how limited our own judgment may be when in the grips of emotion. Which is a good reason to hold off on sending that angry email to your boss or a colleague for a day, because when you read it again in 24 hours, you’ll likely realize what poor judgment you were exhibiting in the heat of the moment.
This insight is brought to you in a new book published today by MIT behavioral economist Dan Ariely called Predictably Irrational, which I’m reading and will write a more thorough review within a few weeks. But after five chapters, I can say that if you enjoyed books like Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink, you’ll love Ariely’s effort.
So if you want your teenager to not get into a sexual situation where poor judgment will occur, you have one of two choices — (1) ensure your teenager agrees with and avoids any situations where they could be alone with someone they find very attractive and/or (2) ensure condoms are readily available, just in case. Because while abstinence is a great philosophy while in a classroom or talking with your teen at the kitchen table, it’ll nearly always lose to passion in the heat of the moment, on a couch, the backseat of a car, or in bed.
Reference:
Ariely, D. & Lowenstein, G. (2006). The heat of the moment: The effect of sexual arousal on sexual decision making. Journal of Behavioral Decision Making, 19, 87-98.
7 comments
I love it, when discussions come up with parents of young girls and sex sexual, and the talk always, somehow, gets around warning the girls to be careful of males. The look on their faces, when I ask them what if their daughters are the ones who want to have sex, is priceless. They do not even want to thihk about their preciouse daughters being sexaully stimulated or being the movers in initiating sexual activity……….
I think one of the reasons it is difficult to make “rational” decisions when aroused or otherwise emotionally engaged is that we are aren’t used to feeling really great, so want to hold onto it for as long as possible! My clients have told me they just want to give in and really “feel” good, rather than tightly controlling their emotions. Perhaps if we were more in touch with this, then we wouldn’t be so bowled over by it and could truly savor it.
Cinda Hocking
Internal Energy Plus Consultant
“Abstinence is a great philosophy while in a classroom”? You’ve got to be kidding. When is abstinence ever a good philosophy, especially for teens?
I love it, when discussions come up with parents of young girls and sex sexual, and the talk always, somehow, gets around warning the girls to be careful of males. The look on their faces, when I ask them what if their daughters are the ones who want to have sex, is priceless. They do not even want to thihk about their preciouse daughters being sexaully stimulated or being the movers in initiating sexual activity……….