When someone famous — in this case, a technologist — takes their own life, a lot of hand-wringing and second-guessing occurs. It’s called survivor guilt, and virtually anyone who’s ever known someone who’s died by suicide has gone through it.
“Why didn’t I see the signs?”
“Why didn’t I just listen more?”
“Why didn’t I just reach out and ask him if he needed some help?”
The list of unanswerable questions is never-ending.
But here’s the thing — you can’t always see suicidal intent. You can review all the checklists and warning signs in the world, but if a suicidal person is clever and dedicated enough to his or her goal, you’ll never see it coming.
Because feeling suicidal isn’t the same as when someone cries when they’ve physically hurt themselves. The crying, if done at all, is done on the inside — far removed from everyday life.
Clay Shirky, a well-meaning technologist himself, wrote about how we should just take better care of each other.
What a great sentiment.
But psychologists know that sentiments like this last for a time — in the moment of pain and grief — and then, for most people, fade away. It’s not because we’re unfeeling automatons who go through life forgetting the importance of human contact. It’s precisely because we’re only human that compassion fatigue can set in. You can literally wear yourself out by trying to look out for everyone else in your life.
The Suicidal Mind
People who are suicidal usually go through a set of stages with their suicidal thoughts and feelings. Most people who are suicidal don’t just wake up one day and say, “Hey, I’m going to kill myself.”
Instead, what happens is depression is mixed with hopelessness — a feeling that these bad things will never change — often accompanied by a sense of feeling trapped. Like there’s no way out of the circumstances of our life.
The feeling starts off small, as just a thought nugget — “Ending it would solve all my problems, wouldn’t it?” The more hopeless the situation appears to be (it doesn’t matter whether it is or not in reality), the more these thoughts start to take on a life of their own.
For most people, suicidal thoughts are the start and end of their suicidal intentions. Having an occasional suicidal thought even when you’re not depressed is not unusual and no reason to panic.
But for a small group of people, the suicidal thoughts don’t end or lessen with time and depression treatment. They get worse. They start to grow out of control, as the person moves from just thinking about ending their lives as an abstract concept, to starting to think about concrete ideas of how to do it (and do it successfully).
As these thoughts grow and a plan takes shape, people who are suicidal engage in some common behaviors. They start to give away some of their possessions (especially stuff that means a lot to them). They start to act more reckless than usual, perhaps driving in a manner unlike themselves, perhaps engaging in behavior you’ve never seen them do before. Their mood may vary widely as they wrestle with the internal demons that only they can see, and that only they can fight.
The Catch
There is, however, a small catch.
Some people are smarter than others, and some people know about these warning signs (thanks Internet!). So some smart, suicidal people can be ready to end it and give virtually nothing away to their loved ones or friends.
Worse, people who are hackers and technologists often code alone, game alone, and socialize primarily through technology. Which is great for goal-directed communication, but lousy for picking up on the subtle, non-verbal cues that often tell more of the real story of what’s going on with a person.
Reaching out and offering a helping hand is a good start. But for someone who’s already made the decision, it will not be enough. Especially if they’ve kept the worst of it inside, away from everyone.
Offering the helping hand through technology — through a tweet, a text, or a passing comment — isn’t as helpful as actually talking to the person you’re concerned about. Face-to-face if possible.
What a person really needs is an immediate intervention. Not just from a crisis hotline. ((Although crisis hotlines do what they can with what little resources our society bestows upon them.)) But from a real person (yes, even a professional), in their face-to-face world, to help them through the chaos and hopelessness.
Yes, they need the love and support of their friends and family — but that will never be enough. Because if we could treat and solve mental illness through just love and paying better attention to other people’s needs, psychologists and psychiatrists would be out of business tomorrow.
The Crux
Clay Shirky says:
The warning signs are well known…
The useful responses are well-known too…
And that is exactly the problem. Most of us know this stuff — even people who don’t deal with mental health issues everyday. If it’s so well-known, why do we continue to do such a lousy job in helping stop 30,000+ people from taking their own lives each and every year in the U.S.?
I don’t have the answer.
But I do have one answer — let’s stop treating mental illness like a second-class disease that is mocked, ridiculed, and discriminated against every day in this country. It’s the punch line to an endless array of bad joke in countless online forums and blogs. Let’s elevate and properly fund the mental health system to be equal to that of our general health care system.
Let’s stop sweeping people who are suicidal under the rug and pawning them off on volunteers to deal with. ((Yes, that’s right, most suicide hotlines are staffed by volunteer laypeople.)) While most are well-trained and fairly well-equipped, it sends the message that we, as a society, don’t take this problem seriously — by putting the people who are in the greatest emotional and psychological need in the hands of non-mental health professionals. ((And sadly, crisis hotlines’ quality varies considerably, as these stories from real life people tell.))
And yes, by all means, reach out to your friends, your loved ones, and check in with them as much as you can.
But realize that you don’t always have the power to change another person’s life — only they can. What you can do is help them understand and use their own power to get help.
18 comments
“if a suicidal person is clever and dedicated enough to his or her goal, you’ll never see it coming.”
I spent 6 months in a graduate Forensic Science program and this is one of the things we learned. As a generalization, if you can see it coming, they’re still calling for help. When they stop calling for help, they just do it. SOmetimes the attempt fails, but they just do it.
The why-didn’t-I guilt-trippers assume being alive is a good thing. I stay alive because my mother is alive. She has been through enough and does not need more guilt.
When “life” becomes an existence highlighted by a sense of helplessness, hopelessness and utter despair, why bother?
This is SO true! For many of us, there is nothing worth living for, so why keep doing it?
because it is worth it ,your probs will go one day with help, I hope u are still with us.xx
Fantastic article,
To be in the situation where you feel that there is only one way to stop the hopelessness and despair, and the guilt you carry as you have failed so many is tragic. People including the professionals are scared of the talk too. But what does a person do when even a plan etc is known and no one helps
Is it true that some people, after making the decision to take their life and deciding on the details concerning how, when and where it will be done experience a sudden change in mood from depression and/or anxiety to happiness, because of the relief they feel, knowing that the end of their suffering is near?
My brother committed suicide the day after Christmas 2007. He didn’t act any happier on Christmas Day than normal. He did seem to spend a lot of time looking at pictures though.
Yeah, my sister attempted (luckily it didn’t work)about four days after Christmas a year and a half ago. Even the night of, we were looking at prom dresses and she was very giddy and excited about prom and how much fun it was going to be. Nothing out of the ordinary, expected. But we did not see it coming what so ever.
when im suicidal, it’s usually because my illness is being poorly managed and my symptoms of extreme anxiety and depression take over. and instead of problem solving, which is a herculean task in that condition, i just want it to be over. and death appears a very welcome friend.
usually those around me notice but do nothing. before i loose all reason, i usually am able to contact the competent person to help me, my psychiatrist. but only because she has given me her phone and email information. otherwise, i might not bother.
i dont agree that people (friends, collegues, family) are familiar with the signs of an impending suicide attempt. on the contrary. they are so ready to discount those symptoms. minimize and forgive them. it takes a well informed and senstive observer to understand what is about to happen.
My suicidal thoughts first began when I was 15 and no one ever knew, I don’t remember if I ever gave any signs. It wasn’t until 10 years later that I actually did give away my things that meant everything to me, and still no one took notice. I attempted suicide and failed, but I tried, and it is true that is seems like the only option and the more that you think about it without telling anyone else about it, the worse it got. It gets to a point that suicide seems like it is the most logical and right thing do when things get to overwhelming. I have finally come to a point, after my second suicide attempt, to recognize when it gets really bad and to ask for help. Now I have a really great support system and realize that getting help BEFORE I do something is a lot more empowering for me and my depression. They know exactly what to look for and they have been amazing in calling me out when I start to slip into my “suicide slump.” I think a big key is finding a few key people that you can trust and be 100% honest with and let them know exactly what your key symptoms are when you start to get suicidal so they can watch for that and help you. It gives me courage and hope to know I can win this battle with depression. I may have set-backs, and I know that I will probably always have suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I am stronger than them. It also helps knowing that this is a lifelong process and that I have to have patience with myself and believe in my self. It’s braver to ask for help that it is to try and do it all on your own, and know when it is time to do it, before it is to late.
Currently I cannot get my suicidal thoughts to cease. I’m on 200 mlgs of sertroline and have therapy weekly nothing is helping me in anyway. No one ever really wants to die and I don’t . But NOTHING helps. The thoughts are always their. Im lost. I’m like a spare part that can’t fit anywhere
I feel the psychologists system for teens and children is broken. Their policy is that averything is confidential UNLESS the persons life is in danger. If a child is unwilling to talk to their parents about suicidal feeling, they likely will not tell their psychologist, because of this policy. Suicidal teens and children are therefore less likely to get the help they need in this situation.
I speak from personal experience.
My beautiful, smart, loving son took his life in December. Our entire family is devastated by his loss. He was so well loved and admired by our huge family and all his friends. He suffered from depression onset by a broken neck and severe concussion playing football six years ago. Counseling and pharmaceuticals are a band-aid on the problem of depression. My son was over 18, so it is impossible for a family member to get any information about the patient’s condition or schedule appointments, get prescription re-fills etc.. A depressed person is not in the right mind to take care of themselves. Since he died, I have read a lot about suicide…but it’s too late for me to save him or protect him from false feelings. Suicide information; warning signs, etc. should be given to all parents by the treatment center at the very least. To any of you who read this that are considering suicide, please know you are not a burden. I loved my role as a mother to him; he was a wonderful man with so many thing to offer the world. I would have done anything to help him if he had just reached out, said anything to me. In retrospect, the “planning” signs were there, I was just ignorant and didn’t know what they were. My self-loathing for not seeing the signs is consuming. Hopefully scientists will find the root cause of mental illnesses and brain dis-orders to alleviate your pain and suffering. You are loved, your life matters.
In my life I have been exceptionally well blessed. Unfortunately since college I have also been tormented by extreme and refractory depression. I have tried every drug, every treatment (including numerous rounds of ECT), and talked in psychotherapy until I was blue in the face. I have been hospitalized more times than I can remember. Nothing helps. I recently got fed up with the doctors and their drugs and have stopped all the medications. Over 40 years of this. I have had enough. You’re right, I am tech-savvy enough to fly under the radar, and I’ve done my homework. There are so many ways to end this, it’s amazing. The only thing that has stopped me so far is that I am a Christian. I can’t find in the Scriptures where suicide sends you straight to hell, but as Ravi Zacharias says, I’d rather not meet Him under those circumstances. So each day is a torment and all I can do is hope for it to end soon.
Hi Lucy. I hope you are feeling better today. Your story sounds very similar to mine, though I haven’t been hospitalized. I have just been in counseling and on every medication you could think of since I was a young teenager. You said that you have been blessed. Does that mean you have children. For me, mine are the only reason I am still here.My children also have depression to some exstent and I’m trying not to start a cycle.Do you live in a warm sunny state?
My suicidal thoughts are more intense now than ever. I don’t have parents, friends, or even a partner. They are all dead. I am truly alone. I can’t afford medication and honestly I don’t have a doctor to go to. This world is a cruel one. And in my life no one cares. I’ve tried reaching out, but there is no one. I am not a teenager. I’m close to 30 now. There is nothing to live for. I am almost to that point where death is all I have left to look forward to. I believe in the afterlife and that my people are waiting for me so what is the point in staying?
The reason suicidal thoughts or behavior are not recognized is because the people close enough to recongize it are often the one’s causing it. And they enjoy the aid and comfort of smug internet bloggers who attribute suicide to “mental health.”
In many, if not most suicides, the causes are not just an inability to cope. Survivors refuse to acknowledge blame. As a survivor about their last words to a victim. It will often be a distortion of what really happened. Look at the way they try to normalize their behavior.
“All I remember is they came in, their shoes were muddy because he was outside in the mud, then they sort of grunted and never said anything else. They kept to themself for a couple days then I got the call…”
Missing from that account would be surprised significant other’s comments to the offending mud-tracker – “You are getting mud on MY floor.”
Well, mud-tracker happens to have paid for that floor, installed it after work at great personal effort, then gotten shoes muddy working on the outside of significant other’s house. Oh, and by the way, significant other owns the house and collects “house money” from victim. Victim has paid “house money” to significant other for about half the time the house was mortgaged but owns nothing.
Most of the tales significant other will tell will focus on how mud-tracker was always a bit dark, how the signs were missed, maybe even how survivor is glad they never actually married victim — a decade ago – because survivor “knew it would end like this.”
Never mind that it ended like this because for a decade victim was treated as good enough to pay for the house but not good enough to marry. But by the way, good enough to provide companionship when survivor was sober enough and lonely enough to want it.
I’m not going to commit because I want to, I certainly don’t. The problem is that I know what I can expect. I guess that most people can manage to get better but sometimes when some things happen you simply will never be ok, it’s not my choice and it’s my case haha