After failed marriage I was in 10 year relationship that now I realize was filled with constant emotional abuse. My self-confidence lowered in time and now I feel like empty shell and completely worthless as human. I am 43 and I see no end of this suffering. I know I should be self-sufficient and love myself and to know how to be happy alone, but I need friends and I need someone to love. During that relationship I lost all friends, and he assured me, he was my best friend. Though I firmly believe he really meant that and he didn’t mean any harm, I also realize that man has serious problems he is not aware of. I ignored all caution signs for 10 years and now I am alone, left and feeling worthless and sad all the time. I can barely work, I am aggressive and sad, I can’t smile or talk.
As for problems in my failed relationship, this man is good person and I really loved him but he had really bad issues. At age 47 he still lives with his parents who of course do not approve me and they control every of his moves. We saw each other in secret, I couldn’t call him or go to his home ever. He insisted that his life needs to stay the same always and forever and he does not want to change anything for me or anyone. I was stupid enough to believe that he can change since he did love me (in his way). He never did. Then pre-menopause hit me and I become depressed and moody. He could not handle it (I admit, it’s not easy for me too) and he just left me!!! He said something like he can’t give me what I need that’s true but why now after 10 years! Now when I am completely destroyed. I feel worthless in a world of men where woman is barely worth anything if she is not young and hot. I feel alone and stupid for believing love can change anything and worthless because it was so easy for him to leave me. Feel like no one would ever love me, no friends, no anything. I am shy and introverted and I am dead inside. I don’t know what to do, I feel I am losing everything.
Please, can you help me? (From Serbia.)
When relationships fail we have a choice: Do we stare at the past and lament the difficulties we’ve encountered — or do we use what went wrong as an opportunity to learn ways of moving forward.
Your question is filled with insight about how poor this relationship has been all along. This is what you must focus on: the fact that you were allowing yourself to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship and let your friends go — and did not confront the fact that he lived at home as a fully grown adult and professed that we never wanted to change. These are the things to learn from as you move forward. By ignoring these warning signs you were giving up much of the control needed to get you out of the relationship sooner. The insight you have now is your guide. It is time to put it to use in developing a new relationship.
Give yourself the opportunity to do something different — learning from your insights. It is time to expand your social network. You can begin by joining one of our forums here to get some support for this transition. This online community can help give you some ideas for moving on.
Your insights are now your guidelines for the future. The first thing to realize is that you need to find and maintain friendships, regardless of whether or not you are in an intimate relationship. The work now is for you to build a support network. This will put you in position to get ready for love again.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
