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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

Boyfriend’s Parents and Their Cultural Disapproval

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 16th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend immigrated here when he was 5. His family is very involved in their native culture/church and he is not. Due to them previously needing financial help and therefore him being in debt, he is unable to move out for another 1-2 years. They strongly prefer he be with someone from their culture and would constantly pressure him about it. Throughout our relationship they would tell him he should leave and try to set him up with other people (sometimes while I was standing there in their native language).

The way that his family interacts is that they’ll pick at him, yell and not let him get away or go into a different room until they have said what they wanted. He has a hole in his wall from them slamming it and they talk to him in an extremely degrading way when he disagrees with them. Considering he is usually gone from 6am-10/11pm this makes his home life extremely stressful because he can’t relax.

We have broken up twice because of this. After the first time we dated secretly for about a month and then told his family again. Throughout this we have been talking about a future. About 2 months ago he had a promise ring picked out and was talking about engagement. Then about a month ago he called off the relationship again due to family pressures. Presently we are back to being together without telling them. Is this the best course of action? I worry that if we tell them again, the exact same thing will happen in another couple of months. We’re currently working on how to handle stress but that just adds so much to his life.

Just looking at him and I our relationship is good. We are supportive, push each other to be better, and communicate well. We also legitimately get along and although we disagree sometimes we don’t really fight or resort to harsh words or raised voices. Based off conversations with him the family disapproval is his only concern with the relationship but it’s a major one.

Also, I’m 22 and he’s 23, we have been together for about a year. Even now he talks about wanting to move in together as soon as he is able to move out. I just don’t know what the best way to stay together and ideally eventually gain their acceptance would be.

I admire your persistence and grit for each other in this relationship. But not much will move you forward as a couple until he moves out. At your ages it is time to carve out the kind of life you are looking to live independent of his family. They sound abusive, demeaning, and unsupportive. The question for you is whether or not this relationship works for you. If you move in together it is likely they family will not accept you as you move forward.

The work for your boyfriend is to make the break independently from his relationship to you. He would need to leave because of issues with the family — not only because he loves you. This is difficult but likely to be a needed step. If he leaves only for you they will blame the relationship (and you). If he leaves because they are not honoring him it will be understood differently. It is an act of independence rather than because of his feelings for you.

I highly recommend you find counseling through your university for yourself as you work things through with him. If it is possible for the two of you to see a counselor together this will be important. It will help clarify what needs to be done as a couple, and what needs to be done independently.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Friend Needs Mental Health, But Her Mom Doesn’t Believe Her

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 8th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a friend that I have gotten very close to over the course of a year. She recently told me about a problem she has at home. Her parents are divorced, she lives with her mom and sister, who lives with her mom’s parents in their house. She sometimes wakes up in places she doesn’t remember being in. She texted me and told me she woke up in her closet with a cut on her face. When I asked her how she got there she told me she didn’t know. One time when she was younger and her parents fought the next day she woke up under her bed holding a picture of her parents with tears on her face. We were hanging out and she told me she doesn’t eat or sleep as much as she used to. Recently she told me that her mom told her she kicked her grandma. When I asked her why she kicked grandma she told me she genuinely didn’t remember kicking her grandma. She texted me one night and told me that she thought her mom was mad because her mom told her that she would rather have cancer than have her. I started doing research online to try and help her. Based on some of her symptoms I came to the conclusion she might have DID. I told her this and she took a test online that says she probably has it. I told her to talk to her mom, so she could get medical health. She told me that her mom said that she was a liar, was disrespectful, and had behavior issues. Her mom also told her that she was a full-blown manipulative liar. What really worried me was when today we were texting and she said that she won’t be able to remember what her mom said the next day, I asked her why and she said they wouldn’t let her. When I asked her who they were she said the people, when i asked who the people were she told me that one of them was Lola and that she was talking to her right now and the Lola wants to die and sob, she said Luke is gone and that she can’t hear him, Rachel wants to scream and argue, and she can’t hear Tyler. She said that everyone hates her and the world wants her to die. She then said “I don’t want to die. She does” She then said her mom is sending her to a psychiatrist to shame her. She said the only reason her mom is sending her is that her mom wants the people to tell her that she is being disrespectful.

Before we begin to look into your friend’s needs, I want to take a moment to talk about you and your character. You friend is very lucky to have you in her life. I’m not sure what advice I’ll be offering that will be helpful, but I can assure you that your friendship is something that is admirable and a very powerful and dynamic example of your concern for her well-being. That said, there is also a delicate balance between wanting to help and being able to. For your own well-being please remember to take good care of yourself, and that because of the extreme nature and difficulty your friend is having — you may not be able to help her as much as you like.

It sounds like you’ve done your homework in helping to understand more about your friend’s symptoms. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is an identity disorder that needs to be diagnosed by a mental health professional. So the fact that your friend is going to a psychiatrist is good because, in spite of her mother’s reason, she can explain her symptoms and the psychiatrist will be able to follow up from there.

It is called an identity disorder because there is a disruption in the individual’s identity. This can mean that other personalities can come through and “take over” this individual. When this happens there can be profound changes in their emotions, behavior memory, consciousness and senses.

The gap in memory makes everyday event hard or impossible to recall and it make normal continuity with friends and family and daily functioning at work and at school very difficult.

However it should be noted that there can be other causes for these symptoms, and while I agree there seems to be many factors here that point to DID, there is a very real need to have your friend see a mental health professional so these other possibilities can be ruled out.

This brings us to what you can do. You can continue to be a support, offer to go along with her to the psychiatrist’s office if that feels okay and your parents agree. If your friend wants to talk to a school counselor you can offer to support her in that and walk their with her as well.

Your friend sounds like she is going to need a great deal of help because she is coping with a difficult mom and also needs a psychiatric evaluation. As a friend you can help by being a good listener, and assisting her in getting to the people who can figure out what is happening. Beyond this, you have to take care of yourself. Don’t make her your only friend and only concern. That can be very draining for someone 13 years old, and it has the potential of causing you distress. Help her but not at the expense of depleting yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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Socializing

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 2nd, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It sometimes feels I do not know how to socialize. It is hard to talk about this because my only parent, mother, neglects the problem but it impacts every area of my life, from study to work. I can’t seem to persist or finish things and I have no hobbies. I mainly sleep and eat. All I do is that and it feels like a big part of me is missing. She says only that I seem to have “no drive” but really, she only cares about what I do and even that not much, not about who and what I am,, how I really feel and all my issues. It’s like she evades responsibility and any care for me.
I live with some peers (I moved in) and all I do is eat and sleep in my room. It is hard for me to talk to them when I just go to the kitchen, sometimes I am ashamed to even leave the room, it is always unnatural when I do talk, and I do nothing all day. Even if I work, all I do is work and come home. It is hard to focus at work because there is hardly any human contact for me. It is hard to maintain friendships or impossible because I cannot be relaxed. All I have are acquaintances or shallow relationships (saying “hi” and “how are you”). I have nothing to share with people. I am so sick of this life.
I feel alone and like I would have no one to call if I were old. Everyone has at least one friend but I can’t seem to keep any. I meet people once and that is it. If I lived at home, in fact I would not have a single friend because all we do is argue and she never takes the time to talk to me how she is supposed to. She both over-focuses on what I am doing and how I am doing it if I ask her to pay some attention (“watch this, watch that, watch that you put salt in the water, watch that you use this cup only” – unimportant things I have heard a million times and already know) and completely ignores the real issue which is being almost friendless and alone and doing absolutely nothing, with a million problems which will be solved by who if not her? If she doesn’t care about this and DOES something, who will?
I have tried therapists but you only see them once a week and they merely skim the surface, plus cost a lot of money.
It feels like I should be living with another family that really cares for me and I will look into this option. I may be past 18 but it is clear to me I cannot live like this anymore. I can never relax so I oversleep, I never laugh, there is no joy in life except eating something good. All the human enjoyments and contact is missed.
My whole life, she only focused that I am going to school and have good grades but at the same time, she was leaving me at home for entire day alone and I was responsible for finding my own company – if at all. There is nothing human-friendly at the home so I cannot be there very long.
Because of this, I have moved frequently, it is hard to keep at things and do what I want to do, my life is missing from me and well, I am missing my friends so much. If you can help me, I will appreciate it. (From Slovenia)

 I admire your persistence in trying to help yourself. It takes a great deal of courage to keep searching for answers. The symptoms of sleeping too much, eating too much, feeling isolated, lacking focus, not socializing, not enjoying elements in your life, and having a non-supportive home life suggest you may be struggling with a depression. At 23 your mother is not the one you need to look toward for help in changing your circumstances. It is time for you to create more of the life you want by developing a network of support outside of the home. Looking to your mother to provide what she doesn’t have is part of what keeps you stuck. We have a saying in therapy: “Don’t go to a hardware store to buy a loaf of bread.” Your mother doesn’t have the kind of nurturance you are in need of — and while that is sad — to keep looking for it there will only lead to your frustration.

I highly recommend two things. First, get a complete physical. There are many underlying medical causes that can contribute to a depression. Secondly, find someone who does group therapy. It is cheaper and will give you more of the direct tools you are looking for to help make the important changes in your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Relationship Problems

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 27th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am in a relationship with a man who has three children with three other women. We have recently had a child of our own and she has had some health issues, an airway defect which needed an operation and she has started presenting with epilepsy which she is being tested for now. My fiance’s last child before mine has severe autism, she requires a lot of attention and is becoming more difficult to manage, she requires a lot of maintenance and some days i don’t get the opportunity to interact with my daughter on the weekends she is here. I have spent a lot of time in the hospital with my daughter by myself because my fiance works away Monday to Friday and we have his three other children every weekend. Because his last daughter is so difficult to manage she can only be looked after by us and if we are not available then her mother has to find appropriate care as his mother is very sick and cannot look after her and I live away from family with him so I don’t have the support system available. My daughter was in the hospital 2 weeks ago on the weekend with my daughter and my fiance told the last mother that he wouldn’t be able to have her because he was in the hospital with my daughter. This weekend just gone by daughter was in hospital again because of her seizures but she got let out on the Saturday so we had his other daughter, this weekend she was again asked to have her daughter because my daughter was fitting bad and needed to be in hospital and he wanted to be with her otherwise I would have been on my own. The mother of his child then started to get really annoyed and make comments about how my daughter is taking priority over her child and that her child is missing out because of my daughter. I am alone all week and deal with my sick daughter by myself, I don’t get any help from anyone throughout the week so weekends are too my opportunity to get a break, but yet the daughter that she complains so much about needing a break from every weekend is the daughter who comes to my house and I have to deal with her challenging behavior. The only time I have ever asked my fiance for help is when my daughter has been in hospital. I went through a really traumatic birth and was in labor for 36 hours and had to have an emergency cesarean, the day after I spent alone in hospital because my fiance was at home with his other daughter as her mother said she shouldn’t be missing out spending time with him just because my daughter had been born. I just feel very stressed and overwhelmed with all of this! I feel like I’ve gotten the short end of the stick because of how much I have to deal with and all the issues of his other 3 children as well as the problems of my daughter. Thank you for reading. (From the UK)

I can certainly understand why you feel you have gotten the short end of the stick. It sounds like you have not felt supported, and yet have done your best to accommodate your stepchildren.

I think there are two things that might help. First, I would encourage you to have a much-needed conversation with your husband about what you may need from him. It sounds like there needs to be more coordination and joint thinking about the ongoing issues. With such pressing needs making ongoing plans for care is essential. Rather than seeing each situation as a crisis — it may be better to plan for a more organized and systematic response.

Secondly, it may be time to look into other services for help during the week. Making connections with the Epilepsy Society in your country as well as the Autism Society can give you access to resources and perhaps volunteers who could help.

I believe these two things may start to offer some ways of providing relief.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My parents don’t love me.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 20th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So I’m in the 8th grade right now and love being at school or with friends, away from home, but only because I don’t love my parents and they don’t seem to love me. Now, I do come from a very privileged family, but when I’m around my parents I’m hardly ever happy, even when they spend thousands of dollars on birthday presents or anything for me. I was in the musical last year, and my parents felt I became a worse person because of it, that I became more… feminine. It’s not my fault if I’m not who they want me to be! Sometimes they tease me for it and make fun of my love for looking nice and design (I want to be a real estate developer when I’m older) but they don’t understand that who I am is who I want to be. Sure, I’ve had my share of mistakes, but they told me I’m not allowed to be a part of the musical, I can’t do any choirs, I can’t have any female friends, I can’t have any gay friends, blah blah. They are so restrictive. Personally, I don’t think sexual orientation or gender is a defining trait, so I ignore that rule, as I do most other things. They hardly ever support me except for soccer. When I have piano recitals (almost twice a month) they never come, even when I play for the city or for significant meetings. I’ve been independent forever. That’s why I write in my journal. Anyways, my dad the other day broke my phone and called me a cocky, arrogant, snobby, bratty, girly boy. They get me a lot, but I don’t want any of it. All I wanted for Christmas was a new camera, an ipod touch, and to go to a summer camp, but instead they got me Burberry ties and shirts, cologne, jeans, the ipod, no camera, a lot of things but I specifically told them no. Now they hold that against me. There’s so much more so I’m going to sort of summarize:

They make fun of me.
They don’t want me to be who I am.
They want me to believe in a religion I don’t believe in for the next few years.
They don’t support me.
They never tell me they love me.
They always yell at me, either because they’re upset or they want me to clean.
They ALWAYS hold things against me.
They won’t let me do anything I want to do that requires a permission slip yet they don’t care enough to ask why I come home around 8 PM.
They won’t let me follow my dreams of art.

My mom is always on the computer talking away to strange guys and her sister- she never has time for me. My dad is always working and whenever he’s home he yells at me.
Last but not least, they won’t let me be happy.

Please, I’ve tried everything. I write in my journal every night, I talk to my guidance counselor; I talk to my most trusted teacher in school. I’m the odd one out in the family because my grades suck, my personality is apparently a wreck, and my parents perceive me differently than other adults. I REALLY want to go away. I want to either run away or be adopted (preferably) and my teacher, well a teacher at the school, said if I ever reach the breaking point that he would definitely take me in because he somewhat knows what I’m going through as he’s been down the road a bit and he’s the teacher I tell everything to. I can’t stay home much longer because I HATE my parents, brothers, and everyone. No matter what they do, buy me a car, talk to me, support me, I will NEVER love them. They could love me, but I won’t’ love them, and it’s not just because I’m stubborn. They just make me sick and I don’t even trust them or know who they are. Please, if someone could help me, that would be great. And my email might be up I don’t know but contact me ASAP! Thanks.

A; I am sorry you are not feeling your parents’ love. But I am very glad that you have written. I know you said your grades “suck” but I can tell you from grading thousands of college and graduate school papers that the quality of your writing for someone in 8th grade is excellent. Your clarity of thought and feeling is something that people much older than you struggle for, but that you already have. What I’m saying is that your skill already shows through. I hope you will be able to find a way to express and have your gift flourish as you enter high school.

Your journal, for now, is a good companion. But I think a discussion with the school guidance counselor is needed. He or she might be able to broker a connection to a family therapist, something that I believe is essential in this situation. Some possibilities for a connection to such a therapist are here, and here is some information on family therapy

Your parents are not acknowledging your uniqueness and talents and the pain from not being seen for who you are can feel unbearable. It can feel like growing up in an amusement park fun house. If the distorted mirrors in the house tell us we are two feet tall and ten feet wide, but we don’t feel that way, we move out into the world uncertain as to how we are truly perceived. As you develop, find people who can see the real you. You will know them by how you feel around them.

Ask the school guidance counselor to help find a way to have you and your parents in a therapy setting with someone who can help them come to an understanding about your feelings. Maybe then they can become the mirrors that can accurately reflect who their son is.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is Fiance Mentally Ill?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 12th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dating my boyfriend (age 31) on and off for almost 3 years. Most of the time we have a very loving, affectionate and deeply connected, positive relationship. However, several times a year we go through shorter periods of extremely rocky times that seem to be triggered by his stress level surrounding change or physical discomfort (ex: when he gets sick, when he broke his finger, when he considered switching jobs, etc.). Most of the time, his triggers are centered around things that would bring anyone & everyone extra stress that may affect their mood or disposition, but his behavior often escalates to an extreme level that most people do not see as an appropriate reaction to the situation. His anger becomes explosive, his OCD tendencies become extreme (he freaked out on me for not noticing cracker crumbs on the carpet & failing to pick them up immediately), he begins to find a way to blame everything “wrong” on me or generally put me down constantly for insignificant things (my stuffy nose from allergies is disgusting & I need to do something about it or else tell him how sorry I am he has to see my tissues on the bedside table) as well make me feel badly about my own negative personality traits that he would usually accept openly in the past & help me work to improve (my anxiety, tendency to be late, etc.). He will also criticize me constantly for not “being there” for him like he thinks I should or “taking care of him” well enough. This angry and hateful behavior can and often will quickly switch to him becoming overly affectionate, loving and needy, whenever he senses that I am at my breaking point during these bad periods of time. The worst part is, when I try to address it his irrational behavior when I feel safe to do so, because he is in one of his softer, more open moods, he switches back to “mean mode” and turns it on me to make me feel crazy or he acts like nothing happened at all and barely reacts to my attempt at a serious conversation unless it is in a joking/jovial manner.

Currently, we are in the midst of an extremely bad patch – the worst yet. I know this has been triggered by my accidental pregnancy & our subsequent decision to get married & have the baby. Obviously, this situation would stress anyone out, but when he is lucid he is so excited and cannot wait to start a family & claims he was going to propose to me soon anyway. He still expresses his joy over the baby & our future & swears he has no reservations, etc.- but he began taking out his stress & anger on an “imagined” financial strain due to our pending additional costs of having a child. I say, “imagined” because just like anyone having a baby, we have to make some financial changes, but we are very comfortable & able to financially manage all of this without too much problem. I have tried to be very understanding of his financial worries, imagined and/or real, but it seems he just wants to use this as a scapegoat (claiming he cannot marry me until I stop spending X amount on clothing, or I will be a bad mother if I cannot sacrifice what he deems to be “expensive” beauty products – all changes I am willing to make for his comfort level, but when I try to explain I cannot have him yelling at me for buying a pack of socks he freaks out even more).

His irrational reactions to stressful situations is the very reason we have ever been “off” in our relationship – I ended our relationship about a year ago for several months over similar circumstances & believe I would do the same thing for the last time now, if not for our unborn baby. I want to make this work more than anything now & I do still love him deeply, just not this part of him.

I have had several psychiatric professionals who are friends or family members suggest his symptoms sound like a personality disorder, maybe even specifically BPD. After reading a lot on the subject, I agree. However, I cannot force him to see this & get help as he is in major denial right now & truly believes I am the one who has gone insane. Any suggestions on how to get him the help he desperately needs?

Thank you for your detailed explanation of the situation. I think the current conditions may be favorable for a consult with a couples therapist. The fact that the two of you are on the threshold of becoming parents can usher in a need for future planning, not the least of which should be how to cope with the stress that comes with the care for a newborn. I would not push the agenda that he is the one with the issue, but rather identify that you are feeling it would be helpful for both of you to go in together to see someone. This will allow for three things: First it makes it a we, not a you, thing which is easier to negotiate; second, it promotes future planning rather than past errors; and finally it has the well-being of your new child at the core. The find help tab at the top of the page will guide you to someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Boyfriend Hates My Girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 11th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Because of their past history my boyfriend doesn’t want me to be friends with her. My boyfriend and I got back together the first of March after being apart for 5 years. I moved in with him May 1st completely. I visited my daughter for a week each time in May and June. June 11th I was introduced to one of his female friends, at that time I asked him if he had slept with her, or a co-worker, he said no. I left it at that. I have only been in Wa. a few months and did not have any friends at all, so this friend of his and I started hanging out, going shopping, garage sales, things like that. We have become very good friends, and she had not been communicating with him much at all. I would only go do things with her during his work hours, so I would not loss any time with him. In the past month or so he has become very angry that I hang out with her, we got into a couple big fights about her. A lot has to do with her lifestyle being sketchy, to say the least. At first I couldn’t go to her house or her mothers house. Then it escalated to he did not want me to see her at all. I got really angry and said to him you cant tell me who I can or can not be friends with. Ended up in a huge fight, I decided that my love for him is more important then her friendship. I told him I would not see her again. I text her and explained to her that I wasn’t going to be her friend anymore. In retaliation she sent me a text about the 2 of them sleeping together, along with a text he had sent to her. I instantly got angry and confronted him about his lying to me. He said it was before we got back together, I accepted his answer once again. The next day I read the texts on her phone and was shocked he slept with her just before I moved here and when I left in May, and tried in June. She is the only person I have to communicate with besides my boyfriend and dont want to loss her, but he gets so angry when she is brought up. I don’t know what to do I am torn, should I hide her or not?

Thanks for sending in your email. It may be time to step back from this situation and ask yourself what is important to you. First and foremost you have a boyfriend who has consistently lied to you — and tried to control you. Secondly, you have a girlfriend who didn’t reveal her relationship history until it was used to hurt you.

Are these the kind of people you want in your life?

The first thing you want to ask yourself is if your boyfriend is worth all the trouble he caused by not telling you the truth in the first place. If you do, then it is time for couples counseling. This kind of thing tends not to get better over time on its own. Some professional help will be needed.

If you don’t think he is worth the investment then cut your losses and move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Parents Won’t Accept My Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 7th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have read many different types of answers to this concern, but I believe my case is different. I am away for college and almost 3 years ago, I met the love of my life and have been with him for almost 2 years. He is the most caring and loving person I have ever met, but he was born with a birth defect called Spina Bifida. It is a very rare case though, he is able to walk and do just about everything someone without his condition can do. Though it still can be daily challenge for him everyday, but he is a stronger person for it and even with that challenge, I accept him for who he truly is.

As for my parents, the case is not the same. They have told me time and time again that they do not like him and that he is not good enough for me. Of course the question from me is ‘why?’ All he has done is treat me right and make me the happiest I’ve ever been, what else could I possibly need? Well, my parents come from a strict Hispanic background and are the type of people that are extremely closed-minded in this new generation. Even though it has never been said blatantly that the reason for them not liking him for is for his defect, it has come across that that may be the only reason. My parents would bring up the fact that I would have to live with his medical issues for the rest of my life. And yes, I understand where they are coming from, at the end of the day they want me to live a life with someone who is not as medically fragile. But at the end of the day, if I’m happy and this is the person I choose to be with, shouldn’t that be all that matters? After all, I am an adult and can make my own decisions on who I choose to date. But, it can be hard when both of your parents don’t like the person you love.

Thanks for asking your question. Parents always want the best for their children and their meddling in their children’s love life is the stuff of classic literature (Romeo and Juliet) and classic research and advice columns.

The long and short of it is that they have given you their input, and that is the end of it. What they don’t know is that there is often a boomerang effect: The more they push you to leave the least likely it is you wouldn’t separate even if it were in your best interest.

Explain to them that you know they love you and they are acting in a way they think is helpful, but it isn’t. You understand how they feel, but at 20 you want to make your own decisions, good or not, and that them repeating what they have already said is actually pushing you away.

Finally, stop having the conversation. When it comes up explain that it doesn’t make you feel good to keep justifying your life to them. Ultimately keep making plans for your financial and emotional independence. It is time.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Insomnia & Substance Abuse

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 5th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For the past two months, I’ve been plagued by insomnia (or what I believe to be insomnia; not diagnosed) every waking second I’m breathing on this earth. And this is really bad. I’m only sleeping two hours a day, maybe sometimes three, and then crashing on the sixth or seventh day sleeping around eight hours.

I’ve also been abusing a lot of cocaine, LSD and oxycodone lately – just because I’m bored, really bored. To be fair, I only do cocaine maybe twice a week, and oxycodone just a few times as it helped me fall asleep some times, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore.

I do cocaine to be social at school. When high on it, I’m talking for hours about anything to anyone. It makes me people wanna be around me. It’s wonderful. It’s pure bliss. And as described above, I only did oxycodone a few times as a sleeping agent.

With LSD, I’ve done maybe 8,000 micrograms of it, meaning I’ve done about 80 hits. This was the over the span of three months, I believe. I stopped taking it as it begun to become a boring thing to do. I’ve currently had a vested interest in amphetamines like adderall as it lasts longer than cocaine.

And, I personally believe if I could fix this dreadful fucking insomnia that I won’t need to abuse drugs. When I’ve slept for 8 hours, I’m completely different. I’m social, open and happy. When deprived of sleep, I can’t concentrate at all (I quite literally lose focus in basic conversations), I hate everything, and so forth.

I can’t go to the doctors because my mom thinks I’m just lazy and thinks I’m using my sleep deprivation as an excuse. I’ve gotten sleeping medication like Ambien illegally, it worked for a few days, then didn’t. Essentially… nothing works. Exercising doesn’t work. I have a tight schedule. I eat healthy, drink lots of water. But lo and behold, I still want to kill myself from the sleep deprivation every single waking hour on this planet.

Please help. I want motivation. I want true, and not artificial happiness with tools like cocaine. I want to be able to socialize naturally, not whilst on cocaine. I’m simply just empty and angry – not depressed, sad or hopeless mind you.

Anyways… what do I do? (From Norway)

You’ve done the right thing by reaching out here. Thank you for your bravery in dealing with this head on. What I get from your email is that you are in a cycle that feeds on itself. The drugs you are using to deal with the boredom have made you so anxious you need different drugs to make you sleep, which triggers the boredom — and it begins again. This type of cycle keeps pulling you down — making the drugs ineffective because you’ll need more of everything. This typically doesn’t end well — so your desire to deal with it now is crucial.

First thing’s first. Get some help for getting off the drugs. You’ve got to do that first to break the cycle. I’d find a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting nearby you and begin attending. You won’t be able to think clearly and create a plan until you have taken care of this. The insomnia is now related to the cycle of drug use. The link will also help you find resources to help you with that.

Dr. Dan

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I am on an emotional roller-coaster

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 28th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Since high school I have had a very low self-esteem. I sometimes just stare into the mirror for an hour just observing my flaws and feeling like a total gross 19-year-old girl. But the funny thing is that one day I would feel like the most ugliest person in the world who doesn’t deserve anything…and the next day I would be happy and satisfied with the way looked. This is a continuing cycle that I cannot stop and it is making me very depressed. From elation and appreciation for life to feeling pathetic and worthless…it keeps going on and on and on.

My self-esteem in the past has been so low to the point that I would not look into people’s eyes when talking to them, with the exception of my school friends. I would always avoid big social groups and be the quiet one in the corner.

I have also been hurt in the past when guys would prefer my attractive friend compared to me, which led to me to create this imaginary world in my head where I am the prettiest.

I do this very often. Create these movie-like fantasies in my head to relieve the pain of not having these physical attributes or my desires in reality. I can sit for hours just imagining. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I also have a very small group of friends. And this bothers me as my other friends are invited to parties and have boyfriends and enjoying the prime of their age and life…while I am just at home. Sometimes I feel pathetic and jealous. Me not having a boyfriend also fuels this feeling of worthlessness. My friends would talk among themselves about the issues of relationships and it makes me feel horrible.

On the days that I do feel slightly confident and happy I make a real effort to make friends at college and during class…however I feel like a total awkward fool afterwards because speaking to new people always makes me feel uncomfortable.

My brother is always teasing me that I do not have enough friends and although I joke with him about it, it hurts me deep inside. When I am hurt or confused…I go back to imagining a better life in my head.

I am also very, very self-conscious. I feel like everybody is looking at me sometimes and so my actions are very conscious and never relaxed and natural.

I also feel like that nobody knows the TRUE me, as I feel most comfortable in my own skin when I am by myself. I feel like I am a different kind of person for everybody. I am a different person when talking with my family, my friends, my best friend, my college friends and strangers. I feel so conflicted sometimes that I wonder why bother living, when living is a total lie of my true self.

I want-I need to be cured somehow. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

First, let me say that these are not ramblings to me. This sounds like a very caring, sensitive person trying to find the best way to be known in the world.

There is a Cherokee legend of a grandfather teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

In the opening of your letter you say that you spend hours looking for flaws, and, no surprise, you find them. When you look and allow yourself to be satisfied with what you see there is happiness. This actually is one of the principles emerging from positive psychology. Over time research has shown you can learn to identify the good things about you and your life and savor them. More on this approach is available here.

Issues of self-esteem are often tethered to things we are avoiding. We avoid them to try to cope, but then we end up feeling bad about the fact we are not dealing with the issue, and this keeps our self-esteem low. We then feel emotionally unable to deal with the issue the next time around, so we avoid it, and the vicious cycle starts again. It seems like social situations and new people are where the rub is. An acting class for beginners will put you in with other people who are looking to grow. The other possibility might be an assertiveness training class. Most communities will offer these through non-credit continuing education courses.

Group therapy can be a place where your roller-coaster ride can be discussed, and experiment with new ways of relating to others in a safe environment. Check this list for therapists in your area.

We can often recognize when our true self is emerging. There is a sense of wholeness and well-being that comes with it. Pay attention to when this is occurring with you, and particularly notice the people, places and things that allow for this true self to be known.

The goal isn’t to feel good about everything and everyone, but to develop strategies for coping with the inevitable difficulties, while returning to the people, places and things that help restore our balance.

Cultivate an appreciation of who you are and your unique gifts and talents. You get to choose the wolf you feed. As you become pleased with who you are, others are likely to join in.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m Concerned My Boyfriend Has Developed Intimate Feelings for a Female Co-Worker

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 12th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dating a guy for the past 6 months. We met online and both live very busy lives where our careers are very important to us. He currently travels for work to another state Monday-Thursday every week. I am his first serious girlfriend and the only girlfriend he’s introduced to his parents (that don’t even live in the same state as we do). Throughout our 6-month relationship he has taken many steps to show how committed he is to me. For example, when I had received an interview for school in Colorado, he began interviewing for jobs there. For the past couple months, he’s been looking for jobs back in the city that we live in. Despite all the great things he’s done, and despite how much I know he loves me, I have severe trust/jealously issues. My last boyfriend had lied to me and was dating a “friend” while he was dating me. My first love whom I dated for 2.5 years broke up with me because he developed feelings for someone else. Needless to say, I let past experiences and my insecurities get the best of me in my current relationship. I have gotten jealous about his female friends and have admittedly over-reacted many times.
However, I have had (what I fear) legitimate reasons to be concerned about his new friendship with a female coworker. Like I said he works out of state during the week. On the phone one night, he mentioned he met a girl at work who’s parents live where his parents live and that she invited him to get together for drinks with her and her brother during Christmas. Fast forward to Christmas, after not responding to my text for hours, he tells me he and his sister were having drinks and playing games at his coworker’s parents house. I got very upset and asked if they had hung out before. He admitted that they spent two hours together ALONE on the beach two days prior. I was distraught and did not speak to him until the next day. He insists they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. I let it go until I recently saw that they became friends on Facebook. I again got very upset with him and expressed how much it bothered me. He was hurt that I didn’t trust him despite saying time and time again that I had nothing to worry about and that she was just a friend. He isn’t friends with anyone else on Facebook from work other than her and he even works with a guy that went to the same college as him. To me, this situation does not seem right. As I have told him, I fear he has developed feelings for this person and doesn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone me. I don’t want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else and I wish he would just admit it to me if that’s the case.
My question is: Am I letting my extreme jealous nature get the best of me and I need to learn to take my boyfriend at his word? Or do I need to interpret my feelings as instinct and walk away from the relationship?

There may be another answer than these two alternatives. It is often that people will choose someone similar to a person they’ve chosen in the past. Your fears are not all illusions. He was hiding information on you, he didn’t respond back to you on Christmas, and this woman has obviously become closer to him than other relations at work.

Whether or not he has feelings for her isn’t as important as the fact that his behavior bothers you. The sending of itself is enough for the two of you to have a discussion. It isn’t an all or nothing situation. You want him to know that his secret-keeping, and lack of responsiveness on the holiday were, in and of themselves, not OK. Stick with the facts. This isn’t a matter of trust as much as it is a matter of lying through omission. When he’s been with her—he’s not been truthful with you about it.

That doesn’t mean you have to bolt on the relationship. But it does mean you need to be clear about what is and is not okay with you. If he knows you have an issue with jealousy, then he’ll need to learn the behaviors that activate it.

Have a discussion, and if you feel you need some help you can find a therapist nearby at the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page, or perhaps from this organization.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Bully boyfriend? Get out now.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 8th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m literally afraid to break up with my boyfriend.
He is extremely violent and bitter to people who get on his bad side. He is malicious, spiteful, and extremely aggressive. He has gotten in trouble for physically attacking his exes, one time he was even hospitalized in a mental institution for several months.

He got out, and dated another girl. When she broke up with him, he followed her, sent her terrible and nasty IMs, emails, and text-messages. He dragged out their breakup for nearly a year.

I have been with him for a year and a half. At first, I thought these people were just overreacting and mean-spirited. He CAN be quite charming.
However, he also lies, is extremely possessive, and has tried to isolate me, especially from female friends (he hates women, and talks often about how much he wants to hurt them, and how) and is extremely threatened by other men. He frequently starts fights with younger high school kids, and enjoys pushing people around.

He has no job, and does not go to school.

He frequently has temper tantrums and outbursts, he has destroyed my property, and his family’s. By the time I realized what I had gotten myself into, I felt stuck. I am very close with his family, especially his mother and little sister. He knows this, and uses it to his advantage. If he and I are in a fight, and I say I will leave to go for a walk to cool off, he has punched holes in his mother’s walls, ripped off cabinet doors, kicked laundry hampers full of clothes into the fireplace, overturned furniture, physically hit, kicked, or pulled his sister’s hair.

Miraculously, I have never been hit by him, although he has grabbed me, and locked me in a room. He is almost 18.

I’m afraid to break up with him, because I fear he won’t LET us break up. I’m afraid I will be plagued with angry emails, “hang-up” phone calls, stalking, and harassment. I am even more afraid of what he will do to his family out of his anger, especially his little sister, who is 2 years younger and about 100lbs lighter than he is. Again, he knows I am afraid for them, and will take advantage of it. I’d have to cut off contact with his family, but I really don’t want too! I love them!

Originally, I just planned on breaking up when I went off to college, so I could get as far away as possible. He’d have no way of following me if I was in another state. Recently however, I have been considering a different school. I really like the academics, it’s a great school. It’s also about a 5-10 minute drive away from his house.

What should I do? Should I forget that school and settle for a different one out of state? Should I just “fake it” and keep dating him for another few years until I can graduate from my school of choice and move out of state? Is there any possible way he will grow up and change? I wish he’d be how he used to be when we first met. But now, I’m totally miserable. What should I do?

I am glad you are writing to us about your situation. Your boyfriend has a clear pattern of intimidating and bullying behavior that will require you to get some support. Unfortunately there are too many instances of this type of intimidation, but there are several resources now available for coping with individuals like your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

There are several features here that I want to address, but the most important thing I want to convey is that you need to gather support for yourself and deal with this directly. Avoiding him by moving away will not make you feel safe or peaceful, and does not guarantee he won’t follow you.

First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Here are some resources on bullying in schools,and recent legislation ,which now extends the definition of bullying to “cyber-bullying” that includes IMs, texting, emails, Facebook, Myspace, etc. There are also state and federal laws you should know about.

Any relationship that is based on intimidation and manipulation through anger isn’t a relationship: It is a hostage situation. Both your college campus (and his high school) will have specific resources to help you cope with this. I would make an appointment with a counselor at your college and let him or her know of your concerns. They will be able to guide you through the emotional, and perhaps legal protection you may need. The other local resource available to you is the local women’s center. They can also provide counseling, legal advice, and if need be, shelter. You can find a local chapter through this organization.

You were most likely drawn to your boyfriend’s potential, not his reality. Often when someone has felt victimized thy are afraid of having their own power because they feel it makes them like the person who controlled them. But what you are seeking is self-empowerment, not abusive or controlling. It is part of self-care which is essential for emotional growth.

Knowing when to leave an unhealthy relationship is important because it sets a boundary and allows you to become more whole. I rarely give direct advice unless it appears that someone’s safety, or the safety of others, is in jeopardy. You say it is a miracle that he hasn’t hit you –yet. His history indicates that it is only a matter of time. He has grabbed you and locked you in a room. What’s next? Everything you have said about him, including the fact that he is charming, is likely to be part of a larger pattern of antisocial or misogynistic behavior. Your fear is enough to make the decision. Protect yourself emotionally and legally. Don’t wait until it escalates. Get out now.

Once the crisis passes you may want to continue in counseling to understand a bit more about why you were drawn to him in the first place. This should help as you move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Potential Abuse from Stepfather

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 29th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

At the age of 12 I lost my biological father from a rapid stroke. I’ve witnessed the moment when the stroke happened and when his body was convulsing on the sofa while I watched and cried terrified. A few years later by my encouragement, my mother registered on the single dating site. She successfully found this man who might be the beginning of all my next troubles. Maybe a whole year has passed by and I as a fresh model was insisting to live in the capital city of Poland as it was easier for me to continue my modeling carrier and get a better education. My mother agreed but insisted that I would live with this man that she was in a relationship with for a year or so. I agreed. I liked him somewhat. One of the first red flags was the thought that I had while entering the new “home” do the neighbors think that I am his girlfriend or something? (at the time I was around 16 and he was over 50). My mother was to visit me and him every other weekend or we would visit her (4hr ride distance). At the agency, I was constantly encouraged to get “skinnier” and lose weight. Once like every other visit, the agency told me to lose some weight. After coming home, I told this man about this (he was very invested in my loosing-weight journey as in many other things e.g. school). He proposed to me this massaging machine and told me that it might help. So I took it and tried to massage the front and back of my lower part of the body (hips, thighs). Throughout the days he has been insisting to help me with massaging myself because I “could not do this properly myself”. I rejected his offer once or twice but at the end, I gave up. So there I was, laying down on the bed while he was putting oil and massaging my legs with this massaging machine. I had shorts on and thrown over a towel on the shorts. Yet I felt naked. I tried to do something on my phone or talk to him. Just to break the silence. The worst part was when he was massaging me near my private places and between the legs with this thing. I want to underline that he never penetrated me or anything. And because of that, I am so confused. Because it wasn’t abuse now was it? After that, it maybe occurred a few times more. I remember that I just wanted to tell my mother what had happened but I just brushed it off. After that on the spectrum of years, I have suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts and failing at committing suicide, self-harm, thinking I was a male —suffering from gender dysphoria (I still would like to change gender), suffering from Ptsd and recently at age 19, being diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. In the meantime, I was having non-major eating disorders, undiagnosed and untold. I am currently on antidepressants and recently I got myself drunk and cut my leg by scissors. The fact of potential abuse and Asperger syndrome is constantly on my mind. I want to tell my mother and my therapist is encouraging it but I didn’t think she can handle it. I am living alone at my apartment now so I don’t have to see very often that garbage that this man is. I hate him yet I don’t think my feelings are.. valid or legit? I am confused. (From Poland)

There is a lot here — and you’ve displayed a great deal of courage by explaining all of this in your email. I am very glad you are working with a therapist. Having someone guide you through all of this is important.

Since the therapist thought it was a good idea to tell your mom, ask him or her if they would be willing to have a session where you invite your mom in to talk about what you are thinking and feeling — and perhaps to then talk about what happened. This is a very difficult situation you are in, but the fact that you ate still caught in the middle between having these feelings and the man still with your mother makes it particularly uncomfortable.

These things typically have many layers. To begin with, the internal conflict you are having and struggle with your mental well-being isn’t known by your mother. If the therapist is recommending and is willing. Taking care of this layer of communicating with your mom is important. I’d begin by talking to your therapist about this prospect and then take it from there. Keeping it a secret may be causing many of the difficulties or at least contributing to them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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13-Year-Old Brother Has Changed for the Worse

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 22nd, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

He lies, fights with his parents, only wants to either sleep or hang out with friends.
Please help. I would be ever so grateful to you.

My cousin brother recently turned 13. He used to be an observing, caring, sharing, helping little boy from when he was an infant. He was also very brilliant, and though he never liked studies, he showed interest and was skilled in many housewifely (helping mom, tidying his wardrobe) little things from a young age.
But as he reached his 12th birthday he slowly disliked all kinds of work including his interests like drawing and card making.

Last year, he was caught with a thousand rupees in his pocket by his teachers in school. They informed his parents. But he denied everything. He even said that his school teachers are LYING about him, which is impossible. He was questioned innumerable times, we even accused him of stealing. We asked if he was trying to cover up for someone at school but still he said that his teachers were lying. He keeps his own pocket money horded up in mother’s safe and he did not touch that money, we are certain.

He wakes up very late. He wakes up only after being scolded repeatedly by his parents. On 1st May, his mom decided that she won’t call him but he went to bed at 11:30 pm and got out of bed at 12:50 pm. Then after bathing, eating, he went to sleep again at 3:00 pm. Disgusted, his mom told him that he can only sleep with his bedroom door wide open and lights turned on. He fired up and started quarreling with her. My aunt lost her cool and slapped him. Whereupon he punched her in the eye.

He hates studying and ANY kind of work, and whatever work he does is very untidy. He hates story books, he hates reading. He does not want to read even a single line. He hates art or any kind of constructive work. He does not even help with the household chores now as he used to do when he was young.
He does NOT listen to his parents AT ALL.

He was adopted as a baby but he does not know that. His parents are both very learned and hardworking, very honest. Yeah, sometimes they have scolded him too much or too little. But come on, how many of our parents are perfect?

I would be very very, very grateful to you if you can kindly throw some light upon why he started behaving in that way. 🙁

Thank you for writing us. I would find a way to arrange for him to have a physical. There are so many possibilities here — but at the core of this is we want to rule out any physical problems. Part of the physical would be to rule out if he has been using any drugs. Whenever there is a radical change in personality, a loss of interest in activities, excessive sleeping, lying and stealing money, one possibility is drug use is involved. I want to be clear about this. I’m not saying that drugs are the problem, but if I were taking a test in graduate school listing all the possible reasons, that would be one of them, and it would be close to the top of the list. A medical exam is a very good way to begin rulling out all kinds of medical and drug concerns before proceeding.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Overbearing Grandmother

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 19th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a mother who has always been too controlling all my life and likes to give advice about everything even though I never ask her for advice. I am a grown woman, married and have a gorgeous healthy 4-year-old daughter. She gets colds from kids, very normal of course. I feel I have healthy parenting techniques and think that my child is pretty darn healthy compared to a lot of other kids. She has never even had to go on antibiotics. My mother will come and help babysit or my daughter may stay overnight at her Grandma’s to get babysat but half the time, she has had a slight cough, or gets snotty – I’m very conscious of it, but I’m not concerned about it as it may be due to allergies. I also get a lot of hay fever. The main problem is my mum won’t stop with her constant worries and nags about how my daughter is sick and thinks she should see a doctor and it’s not right and she emails me and text messages me every time she babysits. I think it is excessive and a constant burden on our relationship how she is obsessed about this health issue. She is also a nurse, so she thinks she knows everything about coughs. How can I not get frustrated and stressed out from her constant harassment about negative talk/issues on the same subject over and over again, it’s like a broken record. My mum thinks she is normal though, but she’s not the way she repeats herself about the same things and she always forgets things I’ve told her. I’d really like my mum to see someone for anxiety as she has often rung me up and overstepped the line verbally abusing me on the phone telling me what I should do with my child. I’m exhausted and no other family members (all men) want to be bothered to get involved (even her partner, my step dad). Please help me, as I’m sure my mother is lonely at home and obsessed about my daughter’s health when there is clearly nothing wrong with her. Your thoughts greatly appreciated. She won’t see a counselor with me either.

I understand how frustrating this kind of “help” can be, yet I believe this may be an opportunity to get the communication and your mom’s needs aligned. I would do two things. Explain to your mom that you understand how she wants to help and that there needs to be a better way for that to happen for both of you. Explain to her that you believe she is right—that both of you need a professional opinion and a way to move your communication forward.

I would set up a joint appointment with the pediatrician and have the pediatrician render an opinion of what normal is. Your mother is likely to respect what the doctor says, and both of you get to plead your case. If the cough is something that the doctor thinks is a concern, then you have a chance to negotiate with your mom how to deal with things in the future. If the cough is a normal part of being a kid, then you get to negotiate with your mom about future conversations.

Use the physician as an intermediary as you might a counselor. Both of you are trying to do the right thing out of love and concern. Let’s see if there is a way to do this with less wear and tear.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Erotic Countertransference?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 12th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I do not know if I should keep seeing my therapist. I’m a lesbian as is my therapist. I’m in a very happy long-term committed relationship, but I have problems having relationships with other women because romantic feelings often arise, and I don’t know how to handle them. This is one of the reasons I’m seeing this therapist–to work this out.

The issue is that she returns my affection. I have been seeing her for a little over a year, and have many symptoms of being in love with her. I asked her how she felt about me, and she honestly told me that she was very attracted to me, that she loves me, but is not in love with me. On the one hand, it is quite helpful to talk with someone who I know is not repulsed by me as a sexual being. It allows me to be more open than I have ever been with a therapist. (My overriding issue is depression/low self-esteem.) We hug each other at the end of sessions, but that is it as far as the physical contact goes. I have been open with my partner about this, and she maintains that it is my decision whether to keep seeing her or not.

We have been very open verbally about our feelings for each other, and have been clear that nothing can be acted upon. It feels really validating to have a woman that I respect and care for be attracted to me–especially when I put no effort into trying to gain her affection. I do not censor myself with her.

Honestly, the relationship has helped me feel better about myself–accepted and even beautiful. I requested that she be more forthcoming about who she is as a person and her own struggles in life and she has obliged to a surprising degree. She doesn’t monopolize sessions this way, but rather honestly answers my questions. I don’t know if I should quit seeing her because there is some danger that boundaries might be crossed or keep seeing her to help me learn how to negotiate having desires without acting on them. The longing can be painful but there’s also a great deal of reward from the help she’s giving me on this and other issues. She’s got nearly 30 years of experience. Could you offer some guidance, please?

Your thoughtful and detailed question opens the portal to the dynamics of therapy. It is always difficult to have clear–cut answers and decisions. There are many different therapeutic approaches and avenues of healing that take very different paths, and the ethical guidelines are designed to help manage the parameters that therapists operate within.

The clarity of the boundaries in the relationship as it is being discussed is certainly an important feature of a healthy therapeutic connection. At the core of most successful psychotherapies is the relationship between the therapist and the client. The concern always is the balance and limits of the relationship that need to be respected.

I would recommend three things: First, keep talking about this with your therapist. This will keep the issue on the front burner. Iinclude in your discussion that you have even questioned the degree to which she can maintain the boundary. Talk to her about the fact you are considering ending therapy because of these feelings. A therapist with 30 years of experience is likely to have traveled this road with others and should be able to navigate this with you.

Second, I would consider joining a group not run by your therapist. A dynamic group will allow your relational dynamics to be more fully explored with others under the guidance of another therapist. This will help keep the perspective on your continued growth and well-being.

Finally, keep talking about this and don’t feel like you have to keep your concerns and feelings a secret. Thinking that you cannot talk about this would be something you want to monitor and guard against.

As with any human relationship open communication is essential. I applaud the fact that you have written this letter and want to keep your therapy going in the right direction. This now involves you speaking up and bringing the issue into the therapeutic relationship itself. If you feel the therapist isn’t able to manage this then you may have to move on. But this can also be an opportunity for growth, clarity and individuation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Do I have anorexia?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 8th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Two years ago – 2008, my freshman year of college – I weighed nearly 200 pounds, but after apparently successfully dieting and cutting certain foods/liquids out of my life (namely soda/caffeine) and incorporating exercise into my routine, I now weigh nearly 155 pounds. Prior to my weight loss, I was miserable and self-conscious about my weight and appearance, but these results have boosted my confidence. This past semester (2010), however, I started forcing myself to vomit on occasion – beginning in February. I can’t remember how or why this started, but for the past four months, I feel on certain occasions when I eat more than 1200 calories that I am immediately becoming overweight and fat. I always count calories, and try to maintain a 1200-calorie diet. When I exercise (which was normally when I was at school) I primarily run (about 10 miles a week) but since my return home, I’ve fallen out of my routine and I’ve become very anxious about my physical activity – I feel like every moment I’m not moving, I’m developing muscular dystrophy. My vomiting as a result has become more frequent. As a result, I’m frequently light-headed, dizzy, lethargic, miserable, nervous, and lacking of an appetite. I’m trying to seek help for this, but I don’t know how to properly diagnose myself – and I’d like to understand what’s wrong first. Am I suffering from bulimia or anorexia nervosa? I don’t know if I’m bulimic because I’m told you need to vomit after every “big” meal, and sometimes I go days without vomiting. I’m also a guy, and I’m told eating disorders are more frequent in women, so this has me doubting and confused. Please help!

Thank you for writing us about your issue. Eating disorders run the gamut. While they have criteria that more specifically characterize one over another, it is not uncommon for a variety of symptoms to be present at different times. I can understand your confusion and hesitation. But you have described enough details here to indicate that the weight loss, change in routine, self-induced vomiting, lightheadedness, lethargy, nervousness, lack of appetite and dizziness are cause for concern.

Although you did not mention your height, it is very likely that your 1200-calorie count is too low to maintain without the help of a professional. You may want to enlist the help of a registered dietitian who can monitor your diet and make recommendations for balancing out your eating, exercise and nutrition. You can find direct help in your area from the American Dietetic Association.

You may also want to work with an eating disorders therapist (available at the top of the page under “find help”) to help with understanding the emotions often associated with eating disorders. I think with the right professional guidance you will be able to orchestrate a plan that allows for positive changes.

While it wouldn’t be possible to answer your question about a diagnosis for you, I do want to respond to your question about men and eating disorders, particularly anorexia. While estimates vary, men constitute five to 10 percent of the cases. Dennis Quaid, the famous actor, recently used the phrase “manorexia” when describing his bout with the disorder.

You have already demonstrated that you are very willing to work hard at bringing productive and sustainable change into your life. I hope this has been helpful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to get parents into therapy?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 30th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m a happily married 27 year-old living with my wife. My problem is with my in-laws. They have been married for 28 years… mostly not happily. Over the last few years and especially over the last few months things have been escalating with serious thoughts of divorce. The problem is that they simply do not know how to communicate and so they go around in circles when arguing often attacking/defending themselves and each other. My question is quiet simple:

How do you get someone into therapy who is not interested in seeing a ‘shrink’ or ‘paying someone to listen’?

This is a very good question, and I do have some thoughts I can share with you. But my views on this take a more functional approach to getting the couple into therapy rather than the usual path of helping a couple work together with a therapist for the goal of improving the relationship and staying together. Let me explain.

From your description they are not good or easy candidates for couples work because of their resistance and lack of motivation for healing. In these instances, since it looks like they are heading toward a divorce, I appeal to couples to save themselves a fortune and make one of three recommendations. All of these tend to move them out of the boxing ring.

I recommend a divorce mediator (NOT divorce lawyers). A divorce mediator is someone specifically trained in putting together a memorandum of understanding that saves the couple tens of thousands of dollars in the divorce process. But what it more often than not does is let the couple stand on the rake of reality with a third party present. The divorce mediators are trained to detect how ready a couple is to move forward in a divorce and are usually in the position of being able to recommend a professional couples counselor to help with the emotional issues.

Secondly, when couples are this cantankerous I recommend they do a couples weekend where they use an intensive approach such as Imago, to get the issues out and clarified. In these instances I make this recommendation by saying they have spent X amount of time together and they should give it at least one weekend to see if there is anything left that can be salvaged. I also point out that they will want to understand what went wrong in this marriage because it is likely they will make the same mistake again with their next partner and they should try to learn from this relationship how to avoid making that error again.

Finally, I implore them to go for a one-shot assessment with a couples expert who would see them once, usually for an extended session, to help them with the next step. Again, the approach is a functional one as I say that a divorce is expensive and a mediator, a weekend, or an assessment can save a lot. This often appeals to couples at a level they intuitively know to be true. The message is: just because you are angry at each other doesn’t mean you have to both waste your resources on fighting through lawyers. This, somehow, has been an effective approach.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Teenage Daughter Feels My Boyfriend Is Inappropriate

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 23rd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He has been around my daughter since she was 12. He never touches her much but she has always greeted him with a hug. At 16 she is now growing into a woman. She is curvy and has breasts..much different from 4 years ago. Recently she said to me that she feels uncomfortable with how my boyfriend has touched her on two occasions. The first incident was a hug that he gave to her from behind with his hands placed on her hips and the second incident was him putting his finger around the waist of her pants. She says that these are the only two incidents since we have known him but she feels he is weird. I called my boyfriend immediately and had a conversation consisting of why did he touch her pants and why would he give her a hug from behind her. He says he was pulling her pants up because they were ripped around the waist (which they were) and he just didn’t think much about the hug. The immediate request was for him to not touch her at all, I also canceled our family outings for the rest of the week because my priority is making my daughter feel safe and that she has an advocate in her mother.

He was surprisingly understanding about the situation (he can get really upset if I accuse him of things sometimes) he said if she feels that way it is her truth and he knows now that she’s growing into a woman and he will not touch her. He also asked if we all could talk over the phone together so he could apologize. He said it’s a good thing that she told me. I have talked with my daughter and she is ok with having a phone conversation with all of us.

Still, it has made me lose sleep. I’m not ok with both of these incidents happening when no one is around. While I do love my boyfriend, does getting this information from my daughter means the relationship should dissolve immediately. How will my daughter view me if I continue with this relationship? I have never dealt with a situation like this before so I am really stuck here. (from the USA)

There are several elements of this situation that highlight a positive response by you and your boyfriend to your daughter’s concern. First, your daughter felt it important and safe enough to speak up to you about it. Secondly, you immediately responded to her request making her feel heard and believed. Third, the changes in her body are normal and her sensitivity to what may have been okay years ago and continued (hugging) is no longer okay. She is learning that it is okay and important to know what feels right and that this can change over time.

Next, your boyfriend responded with an openness and understanding and commitment to hearing your daughter out. In addition, he also requested that there be open communication and request to openly apologize. These are healthy responses from you and he and would seem to be serving your daughter’s sense of empowerment, ability to communicate, and boundary setting. These are life skills she will need. This type of responsiveness by you and your boyfriend sound like they are ideal in creating an environment where they can be safely experimented with.

On the other side of the coin, you’ll have to assess if not ending this with your boyfriend is interpreted by your daughter as you not supporting her. If that is the case, then making the choice to end your relationship makes sense. However, you ending the relationship when all your daughter wanted to do was voice her discomfort in a safe environment might be an overreaction and exactly the opposite of what she’d hoped for. There’s not enough information in your question to know how that might be interpreted, but these are the considerations I’d encourage you to make.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Boyfriend Is Bipolar

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 5th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dear all,
I was looking for answers on the internet when I came across this website. Here is my problem:
My boyfriend is bipolar and he is taking his medication since 4 months now and he is willing to get his life back, so he is seeing his psychiatric on regular basis and taking his medications every day
He is still very depressed, he had had a severe psychose episode, and was in hospital for almost a month. We travelled together when he was “maniac” and that lasted almost 2 months and then he is now facing depression for 4 months.
I really have strong feelings for him but his condition is really scaring me and I’m really confused as I don’t know what to do, saying that, we have been dating for 6 months only and we are still getting to know each other better.
What scares me the most is that sometimes, he seems to accept his condition but other time, he doesn’t think he is bipolar which makes things hard.
I didn’t know anything about “bipolar” till I met him, and then I didn’t really researched much till the psychose episode when I really was scared of him, but I was scared he would kill himself.
It was then when I started to search for informations and look for answer and read people’s feed back.
I really want to be there for him, but seeing him depressed all the time is really hard as I feel useless. He spends his days seating in the couch and watching TV, smoking and might go for a walk.
I’m 29 and I’m not sure this is the life that I want, saying that I really love him, but is it enough?
I learnt recently that the medications are there to help, but the condition will be there forever, there could be less ups and downs but we will still have to deal with moods swings, is that true?
I sometimes feel selfish because I just want to leave him and have a normal life, but I really want to fight for our couple and help him to get through this, even if sometimes I think I need help as well as dealing with a bipolar person is far away from being easy.
I’m scared of being dragged in his own depression and just become a shadow of myself. Thank you for your help. (From Australia)

I appreciate that this is a tough issue for you. It is clear how much you care, yet at the same time it is clear how difficult his struggle is. It sounds as if his swings are rather intense and I would highly recommend he have a complete evaluation by a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is going to be able to determine the nature of his medical needs.

Unfortunately this particular kind of illness really needs management by a professional at this stage. Your love and caring or exemplary. However he will need more than that in order to help him cope, and help you cope as a couple.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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