I need help I’m engaged to be married but I think I’m in love with an old time friend and I do not know what to do. I’m torn about this I care about both so much please help my what can I do to know what the right choice will be ???
Kind regards (From South Africa)
While it is not uncommon for people to question their decisions concerning their love-life, it becomes a powerful source of anxiety when the decision is set to change your life permanently. Your engagement seems to have put this issue front and center. When people come to this kind of a crossroad, it is important to look at it from many directions to understand what is happening. I am glad you are reaching out to us to investigate your thought process.
At the core of this dilemma is the fact that you are not fully committed to your fiancé. If the relationship was solid and there were no doubts about it; you would not be drawn to the old friend. Being drawn to someone else at the time of commitment is a very human problem, but the question is why? Whatever the reasons turn out to be there is a core truth, that your commitment isn’t what it needs to be, that must be acknowledged to understand the best way forward. There are several possibilities. I’ll highlight three:
- Are you allowing your feelings for your old friend to grow as a way to test your love for your fiancé?
- Is it a way for you to put the breaks on the marriage because it isn’t what you thought it would be?
- Or did the engagement to your fiancé cause you to have second thoughts about not only the commitment to him — but commitment in general?
Whatever the reason the level of obligation needed to make a life-long dedication isn’t in place. That may be why we have engagements — to test out the idea. There are several factors that you haven’t said in your email that might give you more clues about what is happening and what to do. The first is to know if your old-time friend has any interest, or if this is something that is going on in your mind that he isn’t fully interested in pursuing. It may also be an indication that you and your fiancé may have some issues that need to be talked about. The issues may not have reached the surface fully and can be showing up by you being distracted by your old friend.
I will encourage you to reflect on the situation and try to discern what is driving it. Once you do then you will be in a better position to make a decision and take action.
However, if it is unclear to you what your feelings are you may want to make an appointment with a therapist. Your fiancé deserves to have a partner that is into the marriage as much as he is. If the situation becomes more difficult I’d recommend couples counseling to allow your concerns to be managed with a professional present so both of your needs will be represented.
The most important thing to take away from my response is not to ignore what you are feeling. It could be a distraction, a clarification, a true love, or a test — but whatever it is you need to give it your attention so you can make the best decision for yourself and your fiancé.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
