Hello, my Narcissist father is doing everything a covert Narcissist does by the book every single item you would find on an article describing them, at the moment it is in the cruelty stage, im worried it will escalate into physical abuse, on more than one occasion they take off their “mask” and say “all women are whores i hate all of you” and then go onto later complimenting my hair. he dates 3-4 women at a time as well, he hates my boyfriend who has shown me what a hell ive been living in. I need to get out asap but i cant financially support myself and am still in school. I am financially dependent fully on him, and its constantly used against me. What can I do? How do i escape? (when i was a child his favorite past time was to poke me until i cried, he told me my blue eyes were hazel, and all of the gas lighting and manipulating tricks) I still live at home, but at my boyfriends on the weekend. I have already experienced his Narcissistic rage to an extent but im afraid it will get so much worse. He already has stopped buying groceries for me so i cook and bring food from my boyfriend’s parent’s house (he still is a student as well and lives at home with his parents, who are kind). My father constantly verbally abuses me, then tries to hoover me back in, it almost works too, i question everything ive learned/done even my boyfriend for a little bit after a “soul sucking” session where im used as a battery. I need to escape but i dont know how to get by without being financially stable. My home situation is only getting worse and I have a year left to live there. (my mother passed away from cancer 2 years ago and all of this has surfaced since then) please help, being at home terrifying and i can barely sleep.
Unfortunately, there’s probably not much you can do to escape your father’s wrath while you’re living in his home. Understandably, you are in school and have nowhere else to live but you are still making a choice to live with him. You could get a job and move out on your own. You are an adult and could theoretically find a job and live on your own. Of course, it would be difficult to live independently for financial reasons, especially while you’re still in school but continuing to live with your father, who you admittedly cannot stand, is a choice that you are making.
Perhaps another option may be for you to go live with a friend or other family member. I’m not sure if those options are available to you but you may want to think through who among your friends and family may have a place for you.
What about school? Many people who attend college live on campus. Is that an option for you? It may be more expensive but it may also be a way to separate yourself from your father.
In the meantime, if you have no choice but to live with your father, then you’re going to have to find a way to live with him despite his behavior. There’s probably very little you can do to change his behavior. You described him as narcissistic and that may or may not be true. It would’ve been helpful for you to have provided more examples of the type of behavior that you are calling narcissistic. Many people use this term colloquially and it means many things to many people.
It seems that the main problem is that he behaves in a way that you find intolerable and you’re attempting to find a way to tolerate him for the next year. The best that you may be able to do is to keep your distance from him. It’s his house and he can do what he wants. You can’t involve the police unless he’s engaging in illegal behavior. If you had a job, you would be spending less time with him. Finding a job would be advantageous to you financially and it would limit the time you spend with him. The less time you spend with him, the less you have to tolerate his behavior. Do whatever is necessary to spend less time with him.
You may also find it beneficial to consult a therapist. The therapist could help you to devise better strategies for interacting with your father and also assist you in finding a quicker way out of his home. Once your therapist learns more detailed information about your situation, they may have ideas about what could help. Contact your primary care physician and ask for a referral. They may know someone who can help you.
I wish I had a better answer for you but it can be difficult to deal with “narcissistic” individuals. I hope this helps. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
