Let me start by saying that I am an 18 years old hetero male and I am suffering from these thoughts for 2 years. It all started with me face-planting to my mom’s breast get a split second turn on. I felt disgusted by myself, wanted to die, thought that I don’t deserve to live or even go to heaven. I thought I belong to hell. I always tried to check if I get turned on by thinking a sexual thing about my mom and I felt disgusted by myself more and more. But I’ve left it behind when my doctor said that it’s normal to get turned on because I face-planted to a women’s breast and my body reacted to it. Then after suffering these, I started thinking that I am a pedophile. It all started with me getting sexual thoughts from a child anime character who’s name is kanna kamui . She has very thick thighs and wears thigh high socks. Let me say that have a kink about thigh high socks. It all happened again. Disgusting myself, thinking I belong to hell, and not wanting to live.
I always checked her pictures to see if I get turned on or not. Which I did n’t. My doctor said that I am not a pedophile as well and suffering from POCD. So with that I always said YOU’RE NOT A PEDOPHILE to myself. I didn’t get any intrusive thoughts about having a sex with children so that helped me as well. And yesterday I’ve gone to my doctor saying that I am not taking medications anymore and I was feeling great. He did some tests on me and I’ve passed all of them. I was happy, better than before. But that day I said okay I am gonna look at the pictures of that child anime girl and think having sex with my mom to see if I get turned on or not if i don’t then I’ll be happy forever. You know what happened? Split second turn on both of them. Now I want to die again. I don’t want to accept that I am a pedophile nor incester.
Now I check pictures of that girl and think sexual things about my mom to see if I get turned on but i don’t. But why did I felt that split second turn on? Was it because I was scared that it’ll get it? I am not seeing myself having sex with my mom even if it’s possible. I am not seeing myself having sex with children even if it was ok and legal. I don’t fantasize about children nor my mom. I don’t get turned on by looking at children. I can say that they look good, their legs look good. But not in a sexually aroused way. I just ask myself that if their legs look good or do they look good and say yes or no. I don’t fantasize about their face or get romantically aroused by their face.
Am I a pedophile and incest or is it POCD? Please help me. (From Turkey)
I appreciate the internal struggle this is creating and believe your doctor is giving you accurate information. While it would not be possible for me to make a diagnosis via this email, it does sound like the POCD is the most likely concern. Obsessive-compulsive thoughts can wreak havoc and hijack our thinking. The only thing I can say is that checking to see if the pictures or the images of your mom will turn you on is not what you want to do. Don’t keep testing yourself. Even if you pass those tests 1,000 times the obsessive thoughts will be drawn to the one time you have a reaction and run with it. Don’t keep jumping into the water to see if you can handle the temperature.
Stick with your doctor. He sounds like he is giving you accurate and reliable information about your condition.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
