Really bad temper. Gets angry easily. Enjoys the thought of beating the crap out of the people I hate (which is a lot, most for unreasonable things), have had dreams of doing this, have fantasized about beating them with hard, blunt objects, or slicing them with knives,sometimes harming them with fire. But mostly I imagine doing it with my bare hands. I get all excited and pumped and get hot flashes and my heart rate goes up. It sounds sexual but I don’t get “turned on” by it. It’s more of an adrenaline rush I guess. Have not harmed anyone yet, I have always had a huge sense of self control, but this is stressful and probably NOT good for my health. Sometimes can’t sleep because too restless about it. Parents had me tested at young age for ADHD, didn’t have it. I have a close relationship with both of my siblings, but I remember one night a while back I was sharing a bed with my little brother and I had the really strong urge to choke him for no reason. Had to turn away from him and just about scared myself shitless. Have had a few issues with depression, though nothing major. Nothing I can’t deal with. I’m also fiercely independent, and have a very hard time admitting to weakness. Dont know if this helps, but past drug and alcohol addiction runs in the family on both sides, mostly dad’s, though none of them are or ever have been addicts of any kind. I also know history of mental illness does too, on my mom’s, and dads, no sure what, but probably along the lines of depression. My Cousin on my mom’s side has bipolar disorder if that has anything to do with it. Would just like to get an idea of what might be going on with me, and maybe some suggestions. Thanks.
Thank you for your honesty and willingness to confront these very difficult feelings. It takes a great deal of courage and bravery to look at yourself and figure out what is going on. The fact that the urge scared you so much is a very good sign because it means that the part of you that is trying to control these urges is letting you know it needs some help.
I’m not certain how the family history may be influencing all of this, but it may be — and I would encourage you to get some testing by a clinical psychologist or an evaluation by a psychiatrist to help get to the bottom of it. The fact that these thoughts are unwanted and you are trying to manage them is important to talk about with a professional. This isn’t being weak — in fact it is one of the bravest things anyone can do.
In the meantime you may want to use one of our forums to talk more about this — and see how others have been dealing with similar feelings.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
