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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

Teenage Daughter Feels My Boyfriend Is Inappropriate

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 23rd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He has been around my daughter since she was 12. He never touches her much but she has always greeted him with a hug. At 16 she is now growing into a woman. She is curvy and has breasts..much different from 4 years ago. Recently she said to me that she feels uncomfortable with how my boyfriend has touched her on two occasions. The first incident was a hug that he gave to her from behind with his hands placed on her hips and the second incident was him putting his finger around the waist of her pants. She says that these are the only two incidents since we have known him but she feels he is weird. I called my boyfriend immediately and had a conversation consisting of why did he touch her pants and why would he give her a hug from behind her. He says he was pulling her pants up because they were ripped around the waist (which they were) and he just didn’t think much about the hug. The immediate request was for him to not touch her at all, I also canceled our family outings for the rest of the week because my priority is making my daughter feel safe and that she has an advocate in her mother.

He was surprisingly understanding about the situation (he can get really upset if I accuse him of things sometimes) he said if she feels that way it is her truth and he knows now that she’s growing into a woman and he will not touch her. He also asked if we all could talk over the phone together so he could apologize. He said it’s a good thing that she told me. I have talked with my daughter and she is ok with having a phone conversation with all of us.

Still, it has made me lose sleep. I’m not ok with both of these incidents happening when no one is around. While I do love my boyfriend, does getting this information from my daughter means the relationship should dissolve immediately. How will my daughter view me if I continue with this relationship? I have never dealt with a situation like this before so I am really stuck here. (from the USA)

There are several elements of this situation that highlight a positive response by you and your boyfriend to your daughter’s concern. First, your daughter felt it important and safe enough to speak up to you about it. Secondly, you immediately responded to her request making her feel heard and believed. Third, the changes in her body are normal and her sensitivity to what may have been okay years ago and continued (hugging) is no longer okay. She is learning that it is okay and important to know what feels right and that this can change over time.

Next, your boyfriend responded with an openness and understanding and commitment to hearing your daughter out. In addition, he also requested that there be open communication and request to openly apologize. These are healthy responses from you and he and would seem to be serving your daughter’s sense of empowerment, ability to communicate, and boundary setting. These are life skills she will need. This type of responsiveness by you and your boyfriend sound like they are ideal in creating an environment where they can be safely experimented with.

On the other side of the coin, you’ll have to assess if not ending this with your boyfriend is interpreted by your daughter as you not supporting her. If that is the case, then making the choice to end your relationship makes sense. However, you ending the relationship when all your daughter wanted to do was voice her discomfort in a safe environment might be an overreaction and exactly the opposite of what she’d hoped for. There’s not enough information in your question to know how that might be interpreted, but these are the considerations I’d encourage you to make.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Boyfriend Is Bipolar

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 5th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dear all,
I was looking for answers on the internet when I came across this website. Here is my problem:
My boyfriend is bipolar and he is taking his medication since 4 months now and he is willing to get his life back, so he is seeing his psychiatric on regular basis and taking his medications every day
He is still very depressed, he had had a severe psychose episode, and was in hospital for almost a month. We travelled together when he was “maniac” and that lasted almost 2 months and then he is now facing depression for 4 months.
I really have strong feelings for him but his condition is really scaring me and I’m really confused as I don’t know what to do, saying that, we have been dating for 6 months only and we are still getting to know each other better.
What scares me the most is that sometimes, he seems to accept his condition but other time, he doesn’t think he is bipolar which makes things hard.
I didn’t know anything about “bipolar” till I met him, and then I didn’t really researched much till the psychose episode when I really was scared of him, but I was scared he would kill himself.
It was then when I started to search for informations and look for answer and read people’s feed back.
I really want to be there for him, but seeing him depressed all the time is really hard as I feel useless. He spends his days seating in the couch and watching TV, smoking and might go for a walk.
I’m 29 and I’m not sure this is the life that I want, saying that I really love him, but is it enough?
I learnt recently that the medications are there to help, but the condition will be there forever, there could be less ups and downs but we will still have to deal with moods swings, is that true?
I sometimes feel selfish because I just want to leave him and have a normal life, but I really want to fight for our couple and help him to get through this, even if sometimes I think I need help as well as dealing with a bipolar person is far away from being easy.
I’m scared of being dragged in his own depression and just become a shadow of myself. Thank you for your help. (From Australia)

I appreciate that this is a tough issue for you. It is clear how much you care, yet at the same time it is clear how difficult his struggle is. It sounds as if his swings are rather intense and I would highly recommend he have a complete evaluation by a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is going to be able to determine the nature of his medical needs.

Unfortunately this particular kind of illness really needs management by a professional at this stage. Your love and caring or exemplary. However he will need more than that in order to help him cope, and help you cope as a couple.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Can’t Trust My Thought Process as I Unintentionally Switch Opposites

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 2nd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I struggle with switching around opposites. I’d literally think about turning left at the roundabout and end up turning right. The problem though is that it’s not a matter of switching left and right itself as I have never had a problem with identifying what is left and what is right. It happens with just about anything and has played a significant role in ending my career as a software developer as programming is fundamentally to do with binary and I started to switch true and false. I’d think I found a bug and correct it, only to realize I had been reading it the wrong way around and actually caused a bug instead of fixing it. It gets even messier after that as I would end up completely confused and unable to trust my own thought processes. I would be changing something in code and instead of making it so that it’s not doing something, I’d make it so it actually does it ( if that makes sense ).

I don’t understand why this is happening. No matter how hard I concentrate it keeps happening. It’s as though somewhere between my brain thinking one thing, and me doing it, it gets swapped around. Even with words at times where I’d use the antonym of a word when I meant the opposite.

A more confusing example is if I read a ruler. For example, the ruler would say 19mm but I end up reading it as 9mm, as though my brain automatically takes a short-cut as it notices it’s one line less than a cm and jumps to the conclusion that it’s 9mm. This has happened three times in a row and every time I think to myself “Ok, well now I know not to make the same mistake again” yet it still happens, as though I have no control over it no matter how hard I try.

Any advice and/or suggestions would be much appreciated. (From South Africa)

If I were taking a test in graduate school and this email was a case given to me and I were asked what I thought was going on, the first thing I would think of is that this very accomplished person most likely has a learning disability — one that they have compensated for and got by not having it been detected. You describe symptoms of learning disabilities dyscalculia and dyslexia

Dyscalculia is the difficulty understanding numbers, using them, and learning facts with them. Calculations are difficult and facts can get jumbled. Dyslexia, another type of learning disability, often happens when there is a functional confusion between left and right. As this article explains difficulty executing left and right is often found in children, but my experience is that if it isn’t identified then the adult will have compensated for it and it shows up in the ways you are describing. You can learn more about this condition here. There is also a piece of interesting research here, and a forum for those struggling with it here.

While my thoughts are not a diagnosis, they lead me to encourage you to get a thorough battery of tests by a neuropsychologist, or clinical psychologist with significant experience in educational testing. This will help pinpoint what is going on. More importantly, it will lead to solutions for coping with and overcoming these symptoms.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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I Think I Have Antisocial Personality Disorder or Something Similar

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 1st, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I’m 16 and I lack emotion and the emotions I do have seem to be fading away. I have no empathy, sympathy, very little remorse and no grief. I feel joy which sometimes is inappropriate to the situation, anger and irritation most commonly. I took joy when my mom was drugged at a bar because she’s an alcoholic and I felt as if she deserved that. I feel like everyone deserves what they get, and that they’re my pawns. At 14 I started to feel like no one was real like they’re all robots that are programmed to respond to my actions. The people that I feel are actually real consist of my partner, best friend and younger brother. I also lie just to throw trouble elsewhere or just because I can. I don’t take pleasure in that but I do it anyway and I’m highly impatient but I feel normally for animals and I’m vegan… Im responsible and very un-impulsive though.

In addition to my emotions, I feel all humans past 10 are guilty and deserve to die especially alcoholics, drug users and child abusers. My alcoholic mother is included into that. I don’t necessarily want to kill her, I just wish she would die as I see her as a waist of space. She’s stupid with money and an emotional mess. When I become angry though I often imagine torturing the person in which I’m angry with or sexually assaulting them. Sometimes I think of how I would tie someone up and give them both pain and pleasure even if I’m not angry. I don’t feel I’d ever do that though.

A my past included being molested at the age of 5, until 14. I had a concussion at 7 which gave me a stutter that faded, slight lisp and headaches only after. In 8th grade I lost my  best friend due to developing depression and a lack of emotions which resulted in suicide and self harm. I can make friends but they become annoying. My best friend and I are both emotionless so it works well.

I fear cops may show up when I post this so as clarification no I won’t be harming anyone and I will get help, I just need a temporary explanation to all of this. I started feeling this at 14 and it got worse I’m 16 now. (From the USA)

Thank you for having the courage to acknowledge this pain and discomfort. I believe it takes a high degree of bravery to identify and want to change the things that are distressing to us.

Your mother’s alcoholism, poor parenting, and inability to protect you, along with the early sexual and physical traumas, are likely to be a significant source of your thoughts, feelings and reactions.

You have taken a tremendous step forward by writing us here and I would encourage you to find a way to get an appointment with a therapist. If there is a direct way to do this — like telling a guidance counselor at school that you are having problems at home and would like their help in setting up an appointment — I would do that. If that isn’t possible, I’d arrange for you to see your physician and tell him or her about how difficult it is with your mother. This will help the physician help you get the therapy.

Finally, I would also contact the local counseling centers near you that offer services to teenagers directly. Here is a list of those near you that can point you in the right direction: http://www.compassioncounseling.org/resources.php.

You have taken the first step here. I’d now take the next step in dealing with these issues more directly.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Feel as if My Parents Have Lost Interest in Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 25th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I deal with other issues that I am well aware of, such as major social anxiety, but I have not been able to go to a therapist or get it treated before. Albeit, my family moves every 4 years, so I don’t have any close physical connections other than the connections with my family. Recently, I have tried to separate myself from my computer more so and spend more time with my family, because I know I will be moving away eventually. I graduated this year and have been unable to find a job because of the COVID-19 outbreak, but quite honestly, I have been feeling rather mentally healthy because of the quarantine and the secluded nature of my days.
Being very close to my family (except my father, he is very emotionally abusive and targets me the worst in the family), I’ve been wanting to talk to my mom more and my brothers. But every time and every day I attempt to speak with her or my little brothers, they are annoyed or disinterested and ask me to leave or leave themselves. Before I was 18, my mother was rather playful with me and we had a good connection, she was like my best friend and my string onto sanity after intense social anxiety breakdowns every hour within the school. Though, now I feel like she is trying to distance herself from me or avoid conversation, or just love me much less. I just want to talk about anything, nothing complicated or controversial, but she’s so tired of me. I don’t think she’s tired overall, though, because she is very different from my brothers. I just wish she could show me the same enthusiasm she shows my brothers. Now that she’s disinterested in me, I feel like I’ve lost the last physical person in my life who would care if I were to pass away.

I have online friends who I really appreciate and have helped me so much. It’s much easier for me to talk and express myself online than in person. I understand she probably wants me to move out, but I can’t with the pandemic happening. I just turned 18 in June after graduating online, but it still deeply hurts to feel rejected by the person I still love the most. This started happening at the beginning of June. (From the USA)

While I am saddened by the fact you feel this disconnect from your family there are a few things that make sense about it. Your father’s emotional abuse, combined with you being targeted and the chronic moving all contribute to the disconnect in the family. Your father’s abuse can cause the family to splinter in this way, and this may be leaving you to feel disconnected as well.

My encouragement is to do two things and develop as much of a relationship with your siblings and mother as possible while broadening your social network outside the home. Your friends and online community are a great place to star, but I would also look for connecting with like-minded individuals toward learning something new. Perhaps classes, enrollment in a university, independent classes in music, painting, writing, or drawing may help you engage with others as you are learning something new. This is the best way to balance your desire to want more from your family, learn something new while growing the network of people you can connect with.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why Don’t I Have Real Feelings in Relationships?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 15th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 19 and have been experiencing strange emotions this past year. The deep connections I felt with friends are suddenly forced and it is almost painful to be around people. I have also had strange spells of depersonalization. My ex boyfriend died a couple years ago which led me into a spell of depression and I don’t know if I ever made it out or if I’m just used to it. I’m constantly annoyed and tired and prefer to be alone most of the time. Yet I told my best friend what has been going on and she had no clue, she said I’ve been normal but maybe a bit distant, but the differences I see/feel are blaring. I also have short bursts of rage for really no reason. My relationships are what really make me question my growing issues. To sum it up, I go for the guys who can’t be tied down and have emotional issues usually sociopathic tendencies, I hate it but no one else interests me. This is what concerns me most, I don’t think I really have feelings. I feel like I just talk myself into being “in love” with them just to prove that I could get them. In the end, all I really want to do is win them. I don’t miss them when we break up, I just can’t fathom the thought of someone else taking my spot. I go insane with texting and calling when something goes wrong and can’t control myself. I show up at their house unannounced and the next day think “was that even me, I’d never do that”. I also feel like I can’t emotionally connect with anyone and I think it’s because they sense some thing is off about me. I constantly want to fight with them and pull them back when I think they are going to leave, I am always the one who gets left but it’s almost like I ask for it. If I even date someone I feel like it’s always going to end in them prying me off of them or either marriage. I get so into one person that no matter what I will try to make it work but ruin it as well. I’ve gone to a therapist but couldn’t say this all I just said I had anxiety. Please tell me what this could be or what I should do.

Thank you for being so brave to explain all the statistical reactions. I admire your honesty. I think it may be two things that are happening simultaneously.

I would begin by looking at the unfinished grief from your boyfriend’s death. I think working through that in therapy would be good. Additionally, the fact that you preselect partners that can’t commit and then wobble back-and-forth when the relationship fails suggests that you may want to explore this pattern of attachment in therapy as well. While I believe grieving plays a big part I think this other dynamic maybe be very important in understanding why you feel the way you do. I would encourage you to bring these two points: the unresolved grief and your attachment process into therapy. Since your profile showed you are at a university means you have access through the counseling center to highly qualified counselors. They are usually very proficient in helping people sort through these types of issues, and I think talking to them about this will help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Charlie’s Angel?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 13th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I fidget all the time. I don’t have to be nervous. I do it while I walk, when I talk to people, when I stand or if I’m in line for something. I fidget in my sleep because I feel some sense of relaxation after I’ve done it for a while, but that’s very rare.

I obsess about friendships and I can’t keep them very well. I obsess over having a perfect friend that will never leave me. I feel like every time I meet someone, they will end up leaving me and they won’t ever want to talk to me again.

I also obsess about my weight. I am overweight and it doesn’t matter what I eat or how often I exercise. I can’t ever lose the weight. Whenever I work out, my mind is filled with images of skinny girls on TV or in magazines. Then I’m upset because I try so hard to look like then but it never happens.

I talk to my pillow every night. I have been doing it for more than five years. The pillow plays the role of Charlie, who is my imaginary friend. He has always been there, in fact, I can’t remember when he wasn’t there. But I feel like ether are words in my mind that aren’t mine, so when I speak for Charlie, it’s really his words. Like, I have to say them out loud, and then I respond to me saying his words. I have to have that pillow with me every single night. It is a body pillow, long enough to be another person. Charlie just always has the right things to say, and whenever I’m sad, he comes to me and we talk…or I talk.

I’m a smart girl. I’m seventeen, a high school senior, and also in Community college. I want to someday be a psychologist and I have planned out my life accordingly. I know that my obsession with friendships and relationships hurt me and everyone around me. I have wicked mood swings and my family has to pay the price for that.

If you could just tell me what’s wrong with me…I used to go to a therapist, but my mum couldn’t pay for it after a while. I take meds for anxiety. To be specific, it is Zoloft, 25 mg every morning. I have also experienced insomnia. It started in 7th grade and lasted for three years.

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
~Carl Jung

Before we begin with say what is wrong with you, let’s start with what is right. This will take me some time because you have many positive talents.

First, you have a strong drive for self-correction. This is a very important dynamic. You are drawn to taking care of yourself and investing in self-care is both priceless and necessary for change. It is a good indication of your strength and seems present in each thing you mentioned.

Second, you are showing deep concern about wanting to make and keep friendships. This deep desire is, in itself, another testimony to your desire to improve. The fact that you keep working to make the friendships better and reflect on why they aren’t working sets you apart from those who simply blame others or don’t try to understand what goes wrong in a friendship. Many people simply write others off and are not that interested in improving the quality of their relationships.

You also work hard on having a healthy body. Perhaps you have not found the right combination of exercise and diet, but you are focused on your mental and physical health. This is a good thing because if you are planning to be a psychologist these are two important traits you will want to continue to develop.

You know that you are smart and obviously work hard at your education if you are already enrolled in college classes. You are clearly not afraid of hard work to achieve what you want.

And then there is Charlie. A wise higher self, perhaps, that you have used to self-soothe and balance yourself. In psychodrama we often have to help people generate a part of themselves that they can use for this purpose. Sometimes this is called an observing ego; other times, people use this technique as an effort to help them develop their conscience and compassion for themselves and others. It sounds to me like Charlie has been giving you positive feedback about yourself and wants you to feel accepted.

There are three things that I think are important for you to consider as you continue your growth:

  1. I would talk to the person prescribing your medicine because he or she should know that you are still feeling fidgety and anxious and that sleeping and mood swings are an ongoing problem. You need your sleep to function well, and you want to have more stable moods. Perhaps a reevaluation of your medicine would be a good idea.
  2. Since you are both in high school and college I would definitely make use of the counseling resources in one or both of these places. This is typically available at little or no cost, and they may even have a group you can join. Individual or group counseling would be an excellent way for you to get feedback as you develop.
  3. I would recommend some radical self-acceptance. In all that you are doing one theme I hear is you are very self-critical and strive hard to get acceptance from others. This can be part of the problem: We often do too much to get others to like us when we must first find a way to simply acknowledge our strengths and limits. This often opens the door in bringing us to relationships that are fulfilling.

I hope this helps. Thank you for writing us.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Mother Ruining My Mental Health

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 2nd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

The relationship between me and my mom is quiet difficult to describe and understand. At one point we often laugh and talk together, when I want a hug she’s the first person I’m going to, but at the same time she’s the only person that I actually fell deep hatred towards. For already 4 years now she’s been slowly damaging my mental health and I can’t do anything about it.
When I was 13 I started being completely unmotivated for an unknown reason which led to me laying in my bed for 90% of my free time, not studying etc. The only thing she said was: ‘You’re acting like you’re depressed. I have to warn you – no child of mine will be mentally ill, so I hope you’ll get out of that immediately’. I never spoke to her about my real feelings, only some minor things, like stuff that happened during day, a book or a movie. She doesn’t know how I feel, at all, but I’m sure she can somewhat sense that I’m not doing okay.

In middle school when all the girls started wearing makeup, shopping and doing all the stereotypical things I was still kinda stuck mentally as a 10 years old – video games, not caring about my appearance, spending my time at the playground etc. That made her angry, too – not to add that I cut my hair in a ‘boyish manner’ and rarely wear skirts/dresses (I just find them uncomfortable). My grades are still low and I rarely do house chores nor do I have any friends in school. She started calling me a weirdo, insulting me, telling me I’m not normal and that I’m ruining her life because she wanted a beautiful and smart daughter – just like my sister. She always says that she treats both of us equally but even a blind person can see who’s the ‘disappointment in the family’.

I became completely emotionally cold on the outside and use only fake and nervous laughs sometimes. Meanwhile, inside I feel like I’m slowly dying (how cliché) and I can’t even get any help. School just ended, but they’d still need to call my parents if I went to the counselor. By my own observations I think I might have depression and social anxiety (at least) and lately I’ve been experiencing dissociation a lot. (From Poland)

I would go directly to the source of the problem by asking your mother if she would help you by going with you to a counselor. Tell her you want to make certain you keep yourself of in a good place mentally — and she could help by going with you. But if she doesn’t want to go, tell her that you would be willing to go on your own. The strategy will both show her how important it is for you and keep her directly in the loop and involved.

If she comes I’d explain the issue to the counselor the way you’ve explain it here. If she doesn’t go, then explain what you have said here — with an eye toward how you can use the counseling to change how you feel.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Mom Is Horrid

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 27th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So, over the last eight months, my mom has been doing really bad stuff. I’ll start from the beginning. So, my mom has been sleeping around with a bunch of guys. I’m surprised she doesn’t have an STD. But anyway. She is either never home doing “school stuff,” or she is home but being mad at me. My dad is in Afghanistan serving our country right now. My mom wants to divorce him and she claims she will never get married again. The thing is, she makes me keep every little secret. You see, I’m not allowed to tell anyone, not even my grandma or my cousin. My dad calls on a daily basis and she ignores his calls all the time. But it really saddens me, because my dad is the only dad I have known. My biological father abandoned me as a baby and then my “dad” came along and that missing peice was filled. If my mom gets a divorce, I may never see him again, because he hasn’t adopted me. Back in October, I got my very first job, but it was for a haunted house so it only lasted a month. Then, my mom’s friend, we’ll call her Bob, moved into my house from just being out of jail. My mom did it out of the kindness of her heart, but my dad can’t keep supporting Bob. My dad is the only one that works. Ever since she’s gotten here, my life has turned upside down, and I’m going to fall. Bob’s kids live here and they are so loud annoying and I can’t ever do my homework. Before they moved in, I had straight a’s and now I have an “f.” But her kids are so disrespectful. They don’t care about anyone or anything. My mom spent $5k all together on everyone in my house for Christmas. Last night, it was 5:30 and dinner was almost done. My mom was gone and Bob was still there. Two of the kids asked for a snack and she said yes. I went up and told MY sibling he couldn’t have one because dinner was almost done. She started yelling at me and calling me all these names, just because i would let MY sibling have a snack. My mom is now in Vegas for the weekend. She left me with Bob aka the Wicked Witch of the West. She has been treating me like crap all day and I haven’t done anything to her. But last night, my mom, me, and Bob all sat at the table together and she let Bob completely blow up on me. Her son is really rude, too. More rude than I am, and she told me all this stuff. But if I raised my voice the slightest bit, I would get yelled at. I know life isn’t fair, but it’snot dair dor my life to do all of this to my dad and me. Before Bob moved in, I was always being bragged about and now I’m just the “little b***h.” Please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Thank you for writing to us and telling us a bit about what is going on in your life. What I’d like to say is that you need to pull in the resources that you know are good. Obviously your dad would be a very good person to talk to about your needs. It sounds like he has been a good guy in the past and my guess is that he’ll be able to help you out in the future. Talk to him honestly about the stress you are feeling and get his feedback and help. Second, I would definitely talk to your high school guidance counselor. He or she may be able to help in ways that will generate more support for you as you cope with your mom’s antics.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Jealous of Husband’s Sister

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 19th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

How can I deal with my jealousy to my husband’s relationship to his sister?

We’ve been married for about 20 years with a daughter.

We’ve been recovering from couple crisis caused by my husband’s attempts of cheating me. Seemingly everything was going better between us. But I’ve recently been feeling pain about my husband’s relationship to his sister.

She is three years younger than him, not married without kids. They’ve been very close since their childhood. Almost all my husband’s friends are hers, and she has read almost all the books he has read. I knew their excessive closeness and felt uneasy when we were just dating. But we used to live far from her and I didn’t worry so much until we came to live very close to her place. She often comes to stay in our house. While developing her career, she hasn’t had a stable romantic relationship. She cannot help but consulting with somebody about her insecurity. She has often talked to my husband about her anxiety about her boyfriends, work, etc. My husband is always happy to listen to her to give her an advice. She has also talked much about these things to me for my advice. Understanding her characteristics and situations, also liking her basically as a friend, I had not felt so bad until very recently.

I was shocked to witness:
1. My husband was touching my sister-in-laws’ naked feet while they were sitting next to each other on a sofa, saying “Ah~, your feet are so cu~te”;
2. She was greeting my husband, when he was about to leave home for work in the morning, by kissing his cheek holding his face in both the hands as if she was his partner;
3. Talking the fact that our daughter is very smart and well educated, my husband was telling her that it is because our daughter has taken all the good parts of my sister-in-law;
4. Now that she decided to move to another country for work promotion and proposed my husband move to the same country and city for his job, he was telling her about his positive feeling about this proposal although he had rejected every opportunity to go abroad for his work telling me that he didn’t want to move out the country and city where he is as he likes them very much. I had repeatedly told him that I’d like to move out to another place.

Until now, whenever I conveyed my uneasy feelings to him about his attitude towards her, he become aggressive towards me as if I was criticizing him. I feel my husband prioritizes his relationship to her and doesn’t care about my feelings. I want him to understand that this situation hurts me. I’d like to avoid irritating him more with me in order not to destroy what I have made efforts to reconstruct for our couple relationship.

Thank you for asking. It sounds to me as if you’ve tried hard to get your husband to understand, but he just isn’t able. I think this is an opportunity for both of you to talk to a couples counselor. In this way the therapist can help you express your concerns –while finding ways to help your husband understand them.

Your husband has had a very close relationship with his sister for a long time and doesn’t appreciate the level of discomfort you feel. Having sessions with a therapist together will increase the possibility you can resolve the issue though improved communication.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend Troubles

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 17th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. At the beginning of the relationship he was very attached. We would spend every day together and had no problem with it. After a few weeks of dating he became very controlling I use to spend the night with my girlfriends all the time but in the past year I’ve probably only done that 5-7 times. I know only have about 3 friends that I rarely text because I’m to scared to touch my phone I just don’t want to cause a fight. Even asking him if I can stay the night at my friends house is hard to do because hell get mad. And yes I ask him to do things I’ve more than once expressed how I feel like his dog in this relationship. He would spend the night at my house for weeks resulting him to move into my house with me. Keep in mind we started living together about 3 months into the relationship. We fight daily it seems and over the stupidest things. He uses to get so mad punch his car door and other things to inflict self-pain he’ll scream and cause a scene. He is very big on making a scene when we fight. If we get into a fight I cant leave the room to relax I have to stay and talk. One time during a fight I needed to go for a walk and he wouldn’t let me pass him on the stairs I tried to get by and he fell back down the stairs. I felt so bad but couldn’t help to feel he did it on purpose to make me stay even after that he had to take the walk with me. I feel I’m more mature than him, he fights with me when I don’t tell him things my friends tell me and he constantly wants to know what I’m talking about when I text my friends. Even when I’m typing on the computer hell come near act and me like he’s getting something to see what I’m typing or just watch. He never helps me clean my room and only until recently when I made it apparent he never use to get his own food or anything. He has no respect for my time he always makes me late and when I get mad at him he gets mad back. When we argue he says that I never say sorry and go cuddle him to make him happy. This idea makes me mad when I’m mad at him I don’t want to cuddle him and say sorry because more than half the times he’s the reason the argument started. He gets mad when I don’t answer the phone or if I don’t text him back fast enough but that’s never the case when he does it. A lot of times we fight when it gets deep enough breaking up come up from me. He hates this and says I always use that but at that point I feel like not being with him would make me happier. I love my boyfriend but he’s a pain in my butt. I could fill a book with how many fights we have been in. I can honestly say we fight at least 4 times a week. I have no idea what to do anymore.

The first thing I’d do is to reconsider your definition of love. Your boyfriend sounds jealous, controlling, misogynistic, and apparently has an anger management problem. He seems to be a taker rather than a giver and you have explained that the most intense emotion you have with him is regular fighting. What is it you love? Everything that you’ve explained sounds like love’s opposite.

It may be that you have tolerated him and that you may be attracted to his potential rather than his reality. If you’re fighting all the time and he is jealous of you — then what do you love? Men with anger management problems who are controlling their girlfriend or wife tend to have a very rough go of it. They are often very resistant to change, blame others for problems that they are causing and have very little empathy. I would encourage you to look for and support from the woman’s center in your county. You need to see this relationship more clearly and rethink your definition of love.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Concerned about My Mother

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 16th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi. My mum is 58 and has lived a very unhealthy life. She had my brother at 16 and my father used to beat her — they would fight almost every day but he didn’t hit her every time. I’ve witnessed him burn her clothes etc. Later in life, she spiraled into a bad gambling addiction and as long as I’ve known her, she has had severe anxiety. We’ve never been able to get on due to her manipulating me into thinking she was always the innocent victim and would have me lie for her to cover up her gambling (I was young and didn’t understand the consequences). As I grew older, my dad also matured and he no longer hits her. But, she is excessively anxious and moody. An example is, if I am at a lecture and she can’t reach my phone for 2 hours, she gets relatives to call up the uni and report me as “missing”. Or if I am at work and she cannot reach me I will have 10 missed called and each with a voicemail of her telling me off for “doing this to her”. She is a loving mother; she’ll do anything for her family. But she is also manipulative and the slightest criticism makes her accuse me of being her enemy. She now lives overseas, which has made matters worse. I recently moved interstate for work and she hysterically started crying over the phone asking why I’m doing this to her (as I moved to a country town with my partner and have no family here).

I know you can’t give a diagnosis. But we can’t get her to see someone either and I wish I knew what it might be that she could be suffering from. I can’t take much any more. It’s come to a point where I avoid speaking to her but it kills me knowing if something happens to her, I’m going to be filled with regret and guilt. Yet, we cannot speak to one another without it ending in a fight. With all this, my tolerance for her has decreased which means I am no longer easy for her to talk to either. What do you think this might be? Any suggestions may help me understand where to look for help. Thanks for your time. (From Australia)

There may be many reasons for your mother’s behavior. A term that is often used to describe it is “enmeshment.” Your mother’s need to be in touch with you is outside the norm, which puts an excessive burden on you. This kind of over-dependency is emotional suffocation and too much pressure.

You’re not in a position to help your mom without losing yourself. I would encourage you to set a limit, not respond to the excessive emails and calls, and not be apologetic for setting these limits.

This is not easy. I recommend you get individual therapy as support during this time.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Developing a Friendship with Ex, Grown Daughters Will Not Speak to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 6th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I have been developing a friendship with my ex husband. It was a rocky marriage. Divorced 15 years ago. He has received counseling for being a peeping tom 17 years ago. Yes he peeped at my daughters. In case you need to know, he never touched them, he watched from afar. They are now in their 30’s. They hate him. He has mellowed and is regretful. He has said he is sorry to them twice and would get on his knees if he thought it would help. Two months ago we started ‘hanging out’, going places. I did not tell them because I was just seeing him and not asking them to engage in any form of relationship because I knew they would not want to. About two months ago they figured out that we had gone out of town for the night. They sent me terrible texts and threatened not to speak to me again if I didn’t not stop seeing him. I have continued to do things with him because we are so happy together. He seems to have truly changed. I understand that time will only tell. We are not getting married or even including them in the time we spend together. Neither of us remarried after we split up many years ago. We have both been very lonely, not the type to jump into relationships. So now I am torn up inside. I will be miserable if I cannot keep my friendship with him but my stomach stays in knots because I have now been excluded from my family. I am miserable without my family but would be without him as well.

Should I do as my daughter want and stop seeing him? I do understand he did a terrible thing.

Thank you for any advise you can give.

While I admire your capacity for forgiveness there are dynamics within your family that require you to see the reconnection from their perspective in order to maintain the balance.

If you think of the family like a mobile hanging from the ceiling each person in the family is affected by what everyone else does. When your husband checked out, it was like putting a 10 pound weight on him that profoundly threw off the family dynamics. When you divorced him it was like cutting that weight, and your family, out of the balance.

Over time, everyone has adjusted to each other without him being a factor. Reconnecting with him, almost by definition, will throw the balance off again. Your daughter’s request for you to not see him is their attempt at bringing the family back into balance as it was. Since you’ve reconnected with him there is an on going problem with the dynamics. The struggle now his is how to honor your need to reconnect while honoring both your daughter’s.

I highly recommend you and your daughters make an appointment with the family therapist. Here’s a link to a highly regarded association. It will help you find someone in your area. I believe this is very important. To just stop seeing him because of your daughters request alone without a mediated discussion may create more difficulties for you downstream.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I am getting cold feet about my wedding

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 5th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So, I’m a 23 y/o male. Been dating the same girl–my first real GF for nearly 5 years, and engaged for 7 months now. Up until the time of engagement I always felt passionate love for her. On the day of the question/engagement, I felt very sick afterwards, and the feeling hasn’t really left completely. We were always great together, except one time I was flirting with another old friend online, and planned a date that was basically to cheat (yes I know it’s wrong). When the month came I would be in the same city as the other girl, I dropped it and didn’t even think about it. 6 Months later my GF/now fiancé found the Emails on my PC. She’s not sure to believe me if anything happened with the other girl–though I swear it did not. She nearly let me go, but kept me. I still felt burning love for her, and to this day I do–I have to say maybe a little less. I’ve been struggling with the wedding the whole time. I feel like I’m swirling into a black hole and at this point I have no control of my life. I love her, but I wonder if there is more to life and if being so young and only having 1 serious relationship, I don’t know any better because I have no other comparisons. I also feel like if I could have met her a few years later when I was more settled things would be better. Basically, I am afraid of waking up one day 10 years from now and thinking that in the prime of my dating I caved in early and missed out on tons of fun, and caused her to do the same. I also worry that she won’t ever trust me or never love me completely, as I was scheming to meet another girl. Ultimately, I look at her and I know there is love, but it’s not intense and exciting anymore, it’s almost how you might love a best friend or a sibling. But in the end I am so afraid of hurting her. I don’t want to disappoint her, as she is so deserving and special. The wedding is in 14 days, and I’m panicking. I spend the day switching from happy to depressed and worried by the hour. I must say that our time together does not feel as special, but when I think of all the great things she does for me I feel very guilty about all of this. I fear that the date of the wedding will come and I will seize up and embarrass her. I feel like if I call it off I need to do it now, or man up and marry. Can I have some guidance? Is it possible that my love for her will re-ignite, or do I need to get some new experiences and live a little more as a bachelor before I get married?

You list your age at 23, so my first reaction is: Why the hurry to get married?

There are several things that you want to consider. Just to feed back to you what you have said:

  • You were willing to go so far as to plan to cheat on her, so you connection and commitment have been in question since then.
  • You felt sick to your stomach rather than elated when you got engaged.
  • Your time together does not feel special—at a time when it should be amazingly special.
  • You are motivated by guilt rather than joy.
  • You don’t love her as much as you used to—again at a time that love should be at its peak, rather than on a decline.
  • You have doubts that she trusts you.
  • You are uncertain and are hoping your love for her will reignite.

If a friend of yours were telling you this, and saying he fears he would seize up on his wedding day and embarrass her, what would you tell him to do? If he were my friend I would encourage him to do the only thing that makes sense: Tell your fiancée everything you have just told me.

She needs to know what you are thinking so she has the opportunity to decide if she is still willing to marry someone with so much doubt and hesitation. You trying to think this through alone doesn’t give her the opportunity to make a fully informed decision. This is something the two of you need to decide together. It will be difficult, but you don’t want to make a decision in isolation. If you do go forward she needs to know what you are bringing to the table. If you postpone it—then both of you get to be involved with the decision to do that. And if you end it –it will be because you were both honest about your expectations and needs.

I know it is a late date, but you may want to get in front of a couples counselor (see our tab at the top if you need a referral) and sort it through. A third party hearing all this wouldn’t hurt.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Turning Off Feelings Toward Spouse

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 3rd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My hubby and I both struggle with depression. I have worked hard to keep control of it. always exercising, meditating, and in the day, while he’s away, I feel fine. But he’ll send a single negative text and It’ll come sweeping back. I am terrified to talk to him, because the slightest thing will set him off. he has so many triggers and he has a way of making me feel guilty, as though I’m to blame when he goes through a depressive episode. Well, a while ago, I realized he is my trigger; I kinda see it in my head as he is poisoning me–I know it’s heartless to admit. While he was having a panic attack, and me feeling one coming, I turned off all my emotions toward him. Everything. And doing so I felt so free. We have one son together, and I still feel emotions toward him. I feel emotions toward everything else, but when he says anything, good or bad, I feel nothing. My depression is no longer there, creeping. It’s gone. I know it’s not healthy. I know it’s not good for our relationship. The extent of what I feel toward him is irritation because I feel like he’s sabotaging his career and that effects me and my son.

My question is… I could turn it back on. but I’m finally able to breathe. So, should I? I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest. but… Not caring about him is bad for our relationship. and I do love him as I know he loves me. so… should I turn it back on and risk having panic attacks and depression again? I can’t be the only one going through this (I looked and didn’t see much about it).

When we don’t feel pain, we don’t feel anything. Shutting off your emotions will indeed work, but the problem is that you will also have to shut down part of yourself in order to keep it going.

I’d like to lift some of the words you’ve used to identify why shutting down your feelings have become so important. You say: “I am terrified to talk to him”; “he is poisoning me”; “I felt so free”; “what I feel toward him is irritation”; “I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest.”

Whatever it is you love about him seems to be in direct conflict with what you need to do to survive him. On top of all of this, you see him as sabotaging his career.

The strategy you’ve developed to survive your feelings about your husband doesn’t seem like it allows you to fully thrive. It seems like it allows you to tolerate your marriage as you continue to feel resentment. This approach may work for a while, but in the long run, the resentment will prove too much to be healthy.

It is time for couple counseling. You shutting yourself down to be a happier person and a better mom isn’t a sustainable strategy. Turning your feelings back on to allow the resentment also doesn’t sound viable. What is needed is a third party to help you communicate the depth of your fear of talking to him. His triggering you sounds very real, but if you cannot communicate this to him he has no chance to learn.

The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a therapist in your area. You may also want to try this group as they specialize in marriage and family therapy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Commitment-Phobic?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 28th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months…One month of which was when he broke up with me in late March and we got back together in late April.
When I first met him, he said something along the lines of “Girls are LUCKY if they ever meet my friends and family.” I didn’t give much thought to it, because I thought, well, maybe he’s just saying that.
When we broke up in March, he dumped me saying I had too many demands and he couldn’t provide the love that I needed. When we got back together in late April, it turned out that he said he did a lot of thinking and couldn’t let me go because he “saw me in his future.” Still in love with him, I got back together with him.
Well, one day, I was cleaning his room (which I HAVE NEVER done for another man in my life ever before–I wanted to show him how special he is) and I noticed two hairpins on his end table that were not mine. I also noticed that the condoms he said “he ran out and bought because he was afraid of getting me pregnant while I started the birth control pills” were suddenly gone from the windowsill where they were a week ago…..I hate to say it, but 2 months into our relationship, we weren’t using condoms, and we still aren’t. (I got tested last week and am clear…but now I’m rethinking the non condom thing…stupid..I know).
So, my suspicions started. The next week, alone in his room (He lets me stay alone and sleep in in his apartment when we go out sun night, or a week night while he works–I have a weird not-too-typical schedule). So, I snooped. Yes. I did:( And, in a suitcase he uses as extra storage for his clothes, I found the clinic condoms that had been taken from the windowsill along with a box of Trojans (a ten count box) with only 4 condoms left. There was also an empty Trojan wrapper in with the rest of the condoms. Along with that, were my earrings and panties I had left a week before. Keep in mind, we have not used a condom since March, and before we got back together in April he moved from one apartment to a new one. Next, yes, snooped again:(, I checked his wallet (He didn’t bring it to work with him–just cash in his pocket). In his wallet was a condom and a card to an escort in the area he lives.
The following week when he got up to use the bathroom, I looked back in the wallet, and I noticed an additional condom put into the wallet (one was missing from the pocket in the suitcase) and the escort card was gone. I confronted him about all the condoms, and the wrapper, but I never mentioned the escort card–I still don’t know why I didn’t.
His explanations were: “Those were old clinic condoms I put back in there that we were gonna use.” Then he said the box was old and he just found it recently. When I pressed him about the condom wrapper, he said it was old. I said “Then why is the lube wet in it?” He finally said, in April, before we got back together, that he slept with a one night stand from a bar, and that must be the wrapper from the one night stand. He said silicone lube can stay wet if enclosed in a dark suitcase. True. I called the condom company, and they confirmed it can happen if its in a dark place:( yes, I know, already, sounds like I don’t trust him. When I asked about the wallet, he said that he carries condoms in his wallet because his brother who suffers from schizophrenia (paranoid type) checks his wallet to see if he has condoms every time he visits him to make sure that he is protected during sex because if he doesn’t he’ll tell the mother and the mother will get angry because he already got a girl pregnant. (I also know about his son and his sons mom–he visits every Friday, sometimes fri and sat). I said, “well doesn’t your brother know we do it at your place, and you’re with me?” He said, “He doesn’t believe things he cannot see.”
Okay, so that’s that part of it. Now, he won’t introduce me to his family because he says that it has to be over a year until I meet them. he says he won’t introduce me to his friends because, well, before we got back together in April, he said I needed “tweaking” I told him to accept me like I am or not, and then he stopped saying that when we got back together. Then he said his friends are busy all the time, and now he says I can’t meet them, because his friends are “stupid.” Okay, so we go on dates, but since we’ve been arguing about these issues, he rarely initiates calling me/texting me–unless I ask repeatedly. He says its because, every time I have seen him in the past two months, we have had a disagreement.
When I have confronted him, he says he does this with every girlfriend he has been with–it takes a while to meet ppl he knows.
I feel confused. The not calling, texting, and the random circumstantial evidence in his room–is it cheating? Or is it just typical guy forgetfulness sloppiness and distance from fighting too much?
And not introducing….does he really do this with everyone, or is it just with me? because I’m embarrassing, or a dirty little secret on the side? Please help! My last long term relationship was highly physically abusive (he knows this) and I just want a loving fulfilled one. Although, I still have extreme anxiety–I’m not perfect at all, either.

Hmmm – Let’s review: Hairpins that are not yours, condoms you aren’t using are missing, new condoms have been used and the wrapper for one is there, he is with his ex every Friday when he visits his son, and keeps a rubber in his wallet to keep his brother happy. Won’t introduce you to his friends or family and rarely calls or texts you.

What is it you love about this guy?

The bottom line is you just want a loving, fulfilled relationship. Without assuming he will change one bit — can you tolerate everything the way it is? If not, it is time to give him his walking papers.

But if you can tolerate it, a couples counselor may be necessary to help with the issues. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you find one in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Sensitive In-Law Situation

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 18th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mother in law is typically very nice, but because of some things she’s said I dislike her. It started when my husband and I got married and she stopped talking to me for about a month. A couple of months later during the family time one day, she said my husband shouldn’t have chosen me. When I told her I have a lot of positive traits and he and I have good things in common, she said she’s horrified anyone would think she said anything otherwise, instead of apologizing.

A few times she’s said to me that she doesn’t want me keeping my husband from her, which makes me feel blamed because I never tell him he can’t go see her. He just kinda avoids her on his own because she pressures him to do stuff or guilt trips him when he has his other plans than what she wanted. She pressures and guilts me too, but not to the degree she does with him. Nobody tells her to back off because she cries easily when confronted and it makes us feel awkward.

Other than those issues, she’s very nice to me and everyone else. She reaches out frequently, remembers my birthday, is supportive in my goals. She generally tries hard to be kind to me and talk to me a lot. The problem is that I still dislike her even after all her effort. When she reaches out I feel annoyed and wish she would just leave me alone. Conversations between us feel so forced and I don’t enjoy talking to her the way I enjoy talking to my girlfriends or my own mom or stepmom. I want to set boundaries with her but my boundaries would avoid contact at all costs, which isn’t fair to her or my husband. I want to fix the situation because we’re planning to have kids and I just want the family situation to be peaceful once kids are involved.

In general, these types of conflicts are best handled by moving toward them, not away from them. Trying to avoid her, even though she is difficult, is likely to make her even more needy and demanding.

Spend some time one-on-one with her. Go for coffee, or lunch, or shopping. Find ways to ask for her opinion of something that she is good at and let her feel helpful. Let her see the parts of you that are willing and able to make the extension toward her.

You may also want to talk with your husband and invite him to make preemptive connections with her. Him sending a text or emoji will allow her to feel his connection more readily and this, I believe, will help your effort as well.

The goal is to develop a relationship with her that gives you more opportunities with her and her behavior than you have now. Right now avoidance is the only strategy. My encouragement is to move closer to her so you can have greater ease and flexibility in the future when your children come along.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Molested by My Grandfather in a Dream

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 17th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Last night I had a dream that I was molested by my grandfather. We were sat on my auntie’s bed, he was drunk and his face screwed up and his demeanor was very different to how he is in real life, but it was my grandfather.
My grandfather and I are very close, he is everything to me and I grew up with my grandparents so they are more like my parents than grandparents.

When I was approx 6-years-old, I was molested by my uncle on my grandfather’s side – my grandfather’s brother. They look a little alike but not extremely so. My grandparents are aware and they supported me throughout. I know for a fact that this dream was not a recollection or reflection of any real-life happenings. But why did it have to be my grandfather? I even spoke the words in my dream, “please don’t be like your brother.” While I was pleading with him not to touch me -in the dream.

My grandfather is everything to me. Now I feel guilty and ashamed at having such a dream because he would never hurt me. The events of my childhood happened so long ago and do not tend to affect my everyday life as an adult as I have learned to accept what happened. Please tell me why this horrid dream had to occur and why now when I’m at a point in my life where I am happy and living with my soul mate in a very loving relationship. I woke up physically crying my heart out and sweating all over. I don’t understand why this is happening now. Please enlighten me as I don’t want this dream to ever reoccur. (From the United Kingdom)

Dreams are important and typically happening to help us in some way. The way to understand the dream is to ask yourself what is/are the essential feature(s) in the dream, why is it happening now, and if the dream is trying to help — what is it trying to get you to become aware of?

Only you can interpret this accurately, but what jumps out from the content of the dream is the issue of similar but different. Is there someone in your life, a situation, an encounter where you are experiencing someone one way, but hoping they do not act in another? The fact that your (good) grandfather is symbolizing the (bad) uncle may be a clue. More specifically, is there a good man in your life that you may be concerned about? This could be that the situation is good and you worry how long it will last, or that you have uncertainty about a relationship with a man.

Finally, since the phrase you use is actually: “don’t be like your brother,” maybe to look specifically at brothers you know in your life.

Finally, keep a journal of your important dreams as they will often give you clues about what the theme is to become aware of.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Problem with Cognitive Functioning

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 16th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi there, I hope that you’re having a wonderful day. I’ll try to be as brief as possible with my problem. I don’t know if it’s depression, anxiety, ADHD, autism or merely the fact that I could have a low IQ maybe?

When I was a kid up until middle school, my grades soared as I always used to be the highest grader in my class, but afterward by grades unexpectedly went down. Maybe the situation in my home had a negative impact on me. My parents used to fight a lot. Whenever this happened, I used to go to my room & completely shut myself down.

The problems I’m currently facing:

1.) When I’m talking to someone, I forget what I was saying mid-sentence. It’s like my brain shuts down. Similarly, when the other person is trying to make a conversation with me, it feels like everything is going over my head.

2.) When I read something, I have to read it multiple times or more to be able to fully grasp the concept.

3.) I feel like I process information slowly compared to others—I’m slow.

4.) I’m usually lost in my own thoughts and overthink a lot over everything.

5.) Sometimes my mind is just blank.

6.) I have low energy—I don’t have the mood to do anything.

I’m feeling severely sad because of all these symptoms. What could this possibly be a cause of?

Thank you for taking your time reading this, I’ll be waiting for your reply. (From India)

I can appreciate how difficult it must be to not feel in control of your own mood, attention, emotions, thoughts, or memory. All of these things you have correctly postulated that they may be symptoms of depression, anxiety, ADHD, autism or low IQ. But they could also be symptoms of a physical issue. Of the ones you’ve listed the two primary possibilities for these symptoms are depression and ADHD.

Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

  • Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
  • Disengaged, with a loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
  • Changes in appetite (weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting)
  • Insomnia or sleeping too much.
  • Loss of energy or increased fatigue
  • Anxiety-related physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
  • Loss of meaning or purpose, feeling worthless or guilty
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

You can take this assessment tool here at LifeHelper and learn more about depression here.

As far as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) here is a link to an overview with some more good information about ADD and ADHD. You can also take this quiz.

Yet, the easiest way to sort this all out is to begin the process by determining if it is physical or psychological in nature. For this, I am recommending a visit with a neurologist or neuro-psychologist. They will be able to do testing that can reveal how you can best manage the symptoms. Without this kind of medical and psychological testing, you will be guessing in the dark about what is going on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Worried about Forgiveness

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 15th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I come from a family history of multigenerational parental sexual and emotional abuse as well as NPD and severe depression/anxiety issues. Keeping a healthy relationship with my both my parents takes a lot of emotional energy and requires me to sometimes be the parental figure in the situation, especially with my mother. It has required years of therapy and spiritual investment to maintain a forgiving outlook.

My husband and I have been married 2 years, together for 11, and he is a huge part of my healthy mental state. We work very hard to keep our relationship as a priority.

My husband and I tend to expect that my parents would be the difficult in laws, as his family appears to be far more “normal” than mine. However, it seems that his mother has proven to be the most difficult parental relationship.

I feel guilty because my husband has always been so understanding of my family while it has been difficult for me to be forgiving of his mother. I am worried that because I am constantly dealing with my parents’ issues that I do not have emotional space left to be understanding of his mother who can act very selfishly. I also feel guilty that I have precipitated fights between my husband and his mother. I don’t consciously try to stir up animosity, but I have a tendency to point out when my mother-in-law treats my husband badly (maybe because I am always on high alert with my parents). When my husband and I were dating, I became much more aware of how my husband resolves conflict with his mother. She pushes him around, much like all of her other relationships. She can be very manipulative and never apologizes. It is always about her. They do not fight all the time by any means, but she tends to be very “me” centric and eventually my husband gets so frustrated with her selfishness that he blows up at her. Then, the rest of the fight is spent placating her without her addressing at all how she contributed to the problem.

After her actions led to several difficult situations regarding wedding planning and the wedding itself and now recently with my husband and I purchasing our first home together, I am fed up. She never apologizes! It sounds ridiculous but I am not exaggerating. How do I deal with her?

Thank you for asking such a thoughtful and interesting question. Dynamically, you and your husband share a familiar role in your respective families. It sounds like the narcissism has been a powerful and difficult feature each of you have had to deal with each of your mothers.

I recommend that the two of you discuss your vulnerability and needs with each other on a regular basis — not just in crisis time. (Couple therapy may be found at the ‘Find Help’ tab at the top of this page if you feel you need help in doing this.) You want to continually join forces and share the difficulty in doing that with each other. Your families are the common enemy in this regard. It is difficult to forgive (and some research shows it is best not to do so too quickly) when the person has an abusive and narcissistic feature to them.

I’d also recommend Alice Miller’s classic book: Drama Of The Gifted Child. It discusses in depth the issues of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

Finally, I’d begin to pull back significantly in the frequency and intensity of contact with both families. Your future is together with your husband, not staying in orbit around the chronically self-absorbed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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