my father past away in 2007 which was about 5 years ago. I have never really mourned properly over his death and i know i seek father like attention in my partner who is 39 (alot older than me), i am 18. He has a problem with addiction and will never stop playing computer or masturbating. His behaviour drained my positivity and listening skills from me in the last 2 years we have been together. i dont blame him but he lives with me and has no job so i cant get him to leave as he has no money. i dont knwo if staying with him is a good idea as he is not a good influence in my life. i take drugs ALOT and i cant stop, im always thinking about getting on. My mother is in a wheel chair and suffers from a nerve probem in her legs known as Charcot Marie Tooth which i also inherrited genetically. Since my fathers passing i feel as if i have no emotion for anything, always emotionally drained and my partner annoys me so much whenever he is upset. i hurt my pets and smile at it. i masturbate and have sex compusivly when i start an dit will go on for 5 – 30 days. i secretly hate all my friends and i have sex with other men for money even tho i am in a relationship. That is also a complusion for me. My partner does not know about it. I just feel like i want to hurt people all the time in an emotional way and sometimes i cry for random reasons or over very small things. i HATE being ignored by anyone or anything. i like watching people suffer, i get off on it, BUT i appear as a positive person except for lately. i have been saying some quite negative things which my partner has picked out but he has his own problems so i dont really take any advice from him. I just feel like i dont care about people and their feelings. i am extremely selfish in some ways but in other ways i will give all my money away to my friends and shout things for them all the time. i just want to know if there is something wrong with me. im tired of feeling this way an di can feel myself drowning in a pit of negativity and sorrow. i hate who i am becoming but i cant stop what im doing. ive tried and when i do, i always think of some reaosn why i NEED to do it or GO BACK so i continue. please help …
You have named a number of areas in your life that make you unhappy. One potential problem area is your relationship with your boyfriend. He has a problem with addiction related to excessive time on the computer. You also stated that he does not have a job. The reason he does not have a job may be related to his addiction.
Other issues that you mentioned include the fact the you feel as though you have an addiction to chronic masturbation. Another potential problem is that you are having sex with men for money. You also described being emotionally unstable, grieving the loss of your father, you may be experiencing stress associated with your mother being in a wheelchair, and you “enjoy” hurting others and animals. Those are all signs of instability.
It is possible that the recent loss of your father is the cause of or has exacerbated your problems. You could greatly benefit from outside intervention. My recommendation is to see a therapist.
Don’t ignore your problems. Much of what you have described is abnormal and it is hurting you and potentially others. I’m not certain how the mental health system works in your country but it would be advisable see a mental health specialist as soon as possible. It is especially important to do so soon, since you feel as though you cannot control your behavior. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
