Hello, I’m 16 and I lack emotion and the emotions I do have seem to be fading away. I have no empathy, sympathy, very little remorse and no grief. I feel joy which sometimes is inappropriate to the situation, anger and irritation most commonly. I took joy when my mom was drugged at a bar because she’s an alcoholic and I felt as if she deserved that. I feel like everyone deserves what they get, and that they’re my pawns. At 14 I started to feel like no one was real like they’re all robots that are programmed to respond to my actions. The people that I feel are actually real consist of my partner, best friend and younger brother. I also lie just to throw trouble elsewhere or just because I can. I don’t take pleasure in that but I do it anyway and I’m highly impatient but I feel normally for animals and I’m vegan… Im responsible and very un-impulsive though.
In addition to my emotions, I feel all humans past 10 are guilty and deserve to die especially alcoholics, drug users and child abusers. My alcoholic mother is included into that. I don’t necessarily want to kill her, I just wish she would die as I see her as a waist of space. She’s stupid with money and an emotional mess. When I become angry though I often imagine torturing the person in which I’m angry with or sexually assaulting them. Sometimes I think of how I would tie someone up and give them both pain and pleasure even if I’m not angry. I don’t feel I’d ever do that though.
A my past included being molested at the age of 5, until 14. I had a concussion at 7 which gave me a stutter that faded, slight lisp and headaches only after. In 8th grade I lost my best friend due to developing depression and a lack of emotions which resulted in suicide and self harm. I can make friends but they become annoying. My best friend and I are both emotionless so it works well.
I fear cops may show up when I post this so as clarification no I won’t be harming anyone and I will get help, I just need a temporary explanation to all of this. I started feeling this at 14 and it got worse I’m 16 now. (From the USA)
Thank you for having the courage to acknowledge this pain and discomfort. I believe it takes a high degree of bravery to identify and want to change the things that are distressing to us.
Your mother’s alcoholism, poor parenting, and inability to protect you, along with the early sexual and physical traumas, are likely to be a significant source of your thoughts, feelings and reactions.
You have taken a tremendous step forward by writing us here and I would encourage you to find a way to get an appointment with a therapist. If there is a direct way to do this — like telling a guidance counselor at school that you are having problems at home and would like their help in setting up an appointment — I would do that. If that isn’t possible, I’d arrange for you to see your physician and tell him or her about how difficult it is with your mother. This will help the physician help you get the therapy.
Finally, I would also contact the local counseling centers near you that offer services to teenagers directly. Here is a list of those near you that can point you in the right direction: http://www.compassioncounseling.org/resources.php.
You have taken the first step here. I’d now take the next step in dealing with these issues more directly.
Wishing you patience and peace,