My boyfriend admitted to me that he checks out other girls because I asked him if he did. It makes me uncomfortable. I think it is just disrespectful to me. I’m okay if he notices if someone is ugly or good-looking, but I am not okay if he is staring or ogling at women’s breasts, legs and figure. He said that it is something he cannot control since it happens automatically, which tells me he has had this habit for a long time. When I notice a good-looking person, I do not stare at their crotch wondering what size it is, or point them out when I am in a relationship. For me, I’d be happier if he noticed a beautiful person, not pointed them out and moved on. Apparently with his past relationships he was comfortable pointing them out, but I’m not. He has agreed to not point them out, and says he feels like he has to be conscious about what he says around me and that he feels more like himself with his friends. I have stressed about this for over 3 weeks and I feel it is ruining our relationship. I am exhausted each day, I cannot focus on my school-work and we argue about this because I bring up how uncomfortable I am.
I know I can be jealous, but he told me that “so what if I do look at breasts or legs, or even if I prefer bigger breasts on a female, it doesn’t mean I love you any less”. He gave me the example of if a nice car drives by I’m going to notice it, and it doesn’t mean I don’t like my current car. I did not find this example helpful because females are not objects.
Hearing this made me feel inferior about myself since he thinks larger breasts are superior to smaller ones and he only brought this up because I asked him.
I love him a lot, just this is an aspect about him that hurts me. I don’t feel like I trust him, I’m not sure if I’m communicating well because I tend to lash out. I’m wondering if I have to decide to put up with it or not. I’m not happy now-a-days.
He even mentioned that I could find a person of faith out there that shares my viewpoint and that he cannot be the perfect man I want him to be. He cried in front of me because I kept pointing out a couple things that I do not like about him. I felt cried too when he mentioned he may not be right for me. But the thing is I think all guys will look at other women, but I am hurt that he may stare or even enjoy the sight of another women. But then again, who am I to eliminate what he finds attractive in another person?
I feel like I have a couple options:
1. I change the way I view it and discount my hurt as jealousy. I’d love to change my viewpoint and be okay with something I am not comfortable with to keep the peace when this is just a SMALL part of him.
2. I acknowledge my discomfort and deal with it. I continue to be with him and accept him for who he is, but I will feel hurt. I really don’t want to feel pain living with the fact that he checks other women out, which may prompt me to actually check men out, but I don’t want to play games.
3. Breaking up. Before we dated I wasn’t really insecure about my looks, but 6 months in when other women are thought about, I find my self being insecure.I really want to choose option 1 to change my thought about this because apparently every website says this is biological and there’s nothing I can do about it. I even contemplated being single forever, but I don’t want to do that. Please help.
I’m having trouble understanding what it is that you love so much about this guy. Here is what I’ve read from you:
1. You’ve told your boyfriend how uncomfortable his ogling makes you and he says he is not in control of himself — that it happens automatically. If that is the best excuse he has then it means anything that he deems happens automatically he won’t change. Not good for long-term relationships.
2. He says he was comfortable in PAST relationships pointing them out. Perhaps the reason why those relationships ended was because he felt so comfortable doing it.
3. He’s told you he feels more comfortable with his friends than with you.
4. You have generated three options — two of which involve you either discounting or suppressing your pain. The other explains that since you have been with him you have gotten more insecure.
It sounds like he isn’t respecting your wishes and needs and sees your request as so limiting that he wants to be with his friends. You may want to rethink if this relationship is really what you want to put up with.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
