I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. At the beginning of the relationship he was very attached. We would spend every day together and had no problem with it. After a few weeks of dating he became very controlling I use to spend the night with my girlfriends all the time but in the past year I’ve probably only done that 5-7 times. I know only have about 3 friends that I rarely text because I’m to scared to touch my phone I just don’t want to cause a fight. Even asking him if I can stay the night at my friends house is hard to do because hell get mad. And yes I ask him to do things I’ve more than once expressed how I feel like his dog in this relationship. He would spend the night at my house for weeks resulting him to move into my house with me. Keep in mind we started living together about 3 months into the relationship. We fight daily it seems and over the stupidest things. He uses to get so mad punch his car door and other things to inflict self-pain he’ll scream and cause a scene. He is very big on making a scene when we fight. If we get into a fight I cant leave the room to relax I have to stay and talk. One time during a fight I needed to go for a walk and he wouldn’t let me pass him on the stairs I tried to get by and he fell back down the stairs. I felt so bad but couldn’t help to feel he did it on purpose to make me stay even after that he had to take the walk with me. I feel I’m more mature than him, he fights with me when I don’t tell him things my friends tell me and he constantly wants to know what I’m talking about when I text my friends. Even when I’m typing on the computer hell come near act and me like he’s getting something to see what I’m typing or just watch. He never helps me clean my room and only until recently when I made it apparent he never use to get his own food or anything. He has no respect for my time he always makes me late and when I get mad at him he gets mad back. When we argue he says that I never say sorry and go cuddle him to make him happy. This idea makes me mad when I’m mad at him I don’t want to cuddle him and say sorry because more than half the times he’s the reason the argument started. He gets mad when I don’t answer the phone or if I don’t text him back fast enough but that’s never the case when he does it. A lot of times we fight when it gets deep enough breaking up come up from me. He hates this and says I always use that but at that point I feel like not being with him would make me happier. I love my boyfriend but he’s a pain in my butt. I could fill a book with how many fights we have been in. I can honestly say we fight at least 4 times a week. I have no idea what to do anymore.
The first thing I’d do is to reconsider your definition of love. Your boyfriend sounds jealous, controlling, misogynistic, and apparently has an anger management problem. He seems to be a taker rather than a giver and you have explained that the most intense emotion you have with him is regular fighting. What is it you love? Everything that you’ve explained sounds like love’s opposite.
It may be that you have tolerated him and that you may be attracted to his potential rather than his reality. If you’re fighting all the time and he is jealous of you — then what do you love? Men with anger management problems who are controlling their girlfriend or wife tend to have a very rough go of it. They are often very resistant to change, blame others for problems that they are causing and have very little empathy. I would encourage you to look for and support from the woman’s center in your county. You need to see this relationship more clearly and rethink your definition of love.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
