Dear Therapist,
I’ve been in a very difficult situation lately. It’s been very hard to talk to my mother, and we’ve been having a lot, frankly, a large amount of miscommunication. I never been able to understand what mom says, and always think that I am the one being cornered. Sometimes I could accept what she said but only in some occasions and only in a certain way of her communicating with me. But mostly, I cannot accept what she has told me, and I don’t know why. I’ve repeatedly told her that there’s a way to talk to me so that I can accept all she said easily, but she wouldn’t listen. She always stick to this one principle that it is a child’s duty to change his way and follow parents way. I’ve tried, but I just can’t seem to follow her way. I cannot explain how her way is, it’s just that her way doesn’t suit me. I cannot communicate with her in almost every aspect in my life, because we cannot understand each other.But before, please don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t hate her, in fact, I love my mom so much that I wanted to fix this communication matters. It’s just that, I didn’t get the support I wanted even though she’s just a doorstep away. I am very frustrated and this is getting nowhere. I just wish that I can ask for their advice without me feeling cornered, but 90% of the time when we communicate, I ended up feeling more depressed and feeling cornered, which resulted in me closing up myself to her.
I tried to open up to her, but mostly, they ended in a miscommunication. So, most of the time, I choose to keep quite and not talking to avoid miscommunication.
Please enlighten me, how should I fix this communication issue, since I really wanted to communicate with my mother as a how a normal communication would be. And I really hope you would tell me. (From Indonesia)
It is very hard to know for sure because there are so few details, but if your mom has not changed her opinion in the 25 years you’ve been alive, I would stop trying and refocus your energy on people and matters that fill you up in more and better ways than reharming yourself by trying to talk with her.
Change can only come when someone is motivated or coerced. Your mom isn’t motivated and you do not sound like the kind of person to coerce her. I would leave her be. Be compassionate and clear. Be sure to let her know how much you love her and that you are not willing to follow her way.
It is time to unhook from her so that you do not continually feel frustrated. Put your energy elsewhere and accept that you mother is not likely to change. Sometime the greatest hope comes from giving up.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
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