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I Don’t Really Know What’s Going On

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 19th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: i don’t do much of anything. i lay in my room, currently living in my aunt’s home, sleeping mostly. hardly listen to music, or go out. i don’t even speak to people anymore. i don’t feel comfortable leaving my room when people are awake and home. it’s difficult to go to work everyday. some days i feel like i can take on the world. mostly though, i don’t want to be a part of anything. or feel anything. i don’t feel a part of anything really, kind of like floating through the day to go to sleep. i feel apathetic about most things, and when i don’t i shove those feelings away, sometimes consciously while other times unconsciously.

some part of me feels like somethings wrong or missing, but i don’t know what it is. somewhere along the way i just lost all drive to do anything anymore. most of the time when i’m awake, i just sit on my bed and think, or allow myself to become engrossed in some tv show I’ve seen before. It takes me a few minutes to leave my room and see people i live with, my family, albeit i don’t know why. i know it feels uncomfortable, like i don’t want to interact with them. sometimes i feel like i’m being judged by them about the things i’m eating or what i might do.

i don’t have any friends really, either i pushed them away because of the bad influence they had on me or they decided i don’t really matter i suppose.

maybe i should see someone, but i don’t have insurance to see anyone or would even know how to go about it all. how can you ask for help when you don’t even know what you need help for? yeah I’ve been suicidal, but i haven’t done it, so i wouldn’t say i’m depressed. i only attempted it once, and it’s kind of funny when you think about it. i was young, maybe 10? a time i would wear capes or a tail as a child. i used bungee cords to try and hang myself aha. needless to say it didn’t work. haven’t had an attempt like that since.

ultimately, i just feel disconnected from myself. Some days, i just, exist.

I know this isn’t much to go on, and i don’t expect a reply. thanks for your time.

Although I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, I can tell you that what you report is consistent with depression. I don’t know why you don’t think you are depressed. Look up the symptoms: #/disorders/depression/.

It’s highly unusual for a 10 year old to attempt suicide. It suggests to me that there may have been a traumatic experience that is at the root of what you are feeling now. If that is the case, you need to see a therapist who specializes in trauma.

To get your life back on track, you do need to see a therapist. Sitting around in your room isn’t going to help you feel better or more connected. You already know that. So — it’s time to get the help you need and deserve.

Ask your doctor if there is a clinic in your area that offers free or low cost therapy. If you can’t find a therapist you can afford, take a look at this article: #/lib/when-you-cant-afford-psychotherapy/.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Boyfriend Sexually Abusive?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 15th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 months now. In the beginning I was super excited about it and I was really happy. I was a virgin going into the relationship and I had planned on keeping it that way. On the other hand, he was not a virgin and pretty experienced in sex. even before we were dating, he would try to put his hands down my pants, take off my shirt, etc. I always said no and got uncomfortable but he would do it anyway.

I was naive and inexperienced so I didn’t realize that as a red flag and asked him out anyways. shortly into our relationship he was pressuring sex, I was still uncomfortable and pushed it off as long as I could. a day before our one month I finally gave in and had sex, I cried after, I claimed I didnt know why but deep down I knew it was because I couldn’t believe what I had just done and knew I didn’t want it in the first place. after that, whenever we hung out he would push me to have sex and I just gave in.

I again, didn’t realize it was an issue. things started to get better and he didn’t push as much. but then suddenly he got a lot worse, I was drunk and called him to have sex, he came had sex with me in the car and drove off. the next morning I woke up feeling so much regret. most recently, has started just forcing himself on me and taking out his penis, trying to take off my pants and force me to have sex. it doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing, if he wants it he tries to get it. he once forced his fingers inside me for a solid 10 minutes while I cried. it has started to get to the point where I feel bad about myself and I don’t even want him near me. I am so scared he will force himself on me. I have been contemplating breaking up with him for a little while now and this is my biggest reason why, should I do it? ( note I have brought up my issue with him before and he’s ignored it )

Run! The simple answer to your question is “Yes”. This man is abusing your love, your trust, and your boundaries. I understand that you were inexperienced when the relationship began so you ignored the “red flags”. But why are you ignoring them now?

What he is doing isn’t the sweet intimacy of a sexual partner. He is raping you. Repeatedly. Get away. If he pursues you, tell your parents and, if necessary, get a restraining order. This is very, very serious. Then get yourself into therapy so that you can learn from the experience and deal with the after-shock of being treated this way by someone you thought you loved.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Everyone Hates Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 13th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a 17 year old guy and a high school student and my problem is everyone is hostile toward me. I have no actual friends and even school idiots ridicule me. I’m doing really good in education, but that does not affect my social status. No one permits me to join their conversation and whenever they let me to join, they probably want to ridicule me in between.

I just can’t do anything right, so as a result I don’t know any sports and whenever I join a sports team everyone start to insult me from the beginning until the end of the game and name me “the worst player ever” after the match. I never get aggressive and I forgive others on what they say to me but if it goes with this rate, I will end in some physical fights with them. I have been defined as “weird”, “extremely unpleasant” and “annoying” by people who I have to deal with everyday.

I have been severely abused by my mother (both physically and emotionally) in my childhood and my mother always told me:”You can’t do anything! You are worth nothing!” and words similar to that and her toxic words are now coming real. Nowadays except education I can’t do anything right. I’m very weak, both physically and emotionally.

Can you help me on this? Thanks.

Thank you for writing. It may be that your mother’s words created what’s called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” You were told from an early age that you couldn’t do anything. Kids believe the grown ups, so you accepted the judgement. The result may have been that either you didn’t try or that the normal mistakes that come with learning anything new became proof in your mind that she was right. The less you tried, the more incompetent you became. The same thing may have happened with social skills. You already believed that you couldn’t interact with others so it’s possible that you stopped trying, which resulted in not learning what you needed to know to be comfortable interacting with others.

Fortunately, anything that is learned can be unlearned. You are good at studying things so now you need to start studying people. Take some time out from trying to socialize in order to give yourself some social skills lessons. Pick out some people who are comfortable socially and watch them carefully. Listen to how they manage conversations. Observe their body language. I’m not suggesting you be a stalker. I am suggesting that you are around people every day who know something you don’t about getting along with others. You can learn a great deal by paying attention.

Similarly, take some time out from trying to fit in with sports and get yourself some lessons and take time to practice. You didn’t mention if your father is in the picture so I’m guessing he is not. But perhaps you have an athletic relative who would be willing to teach you about a sport. If not, consider talking with a coach at school about giving you some private lessons.

Another alternative is to find a sport where you are on a team but mostly competing with yourself. Swimming and track or cross country running, for example, are sports where the object is to improve your own time. They are also sports where you can practice on your own.

You are a smart young man. Social and athletic skills will not happen like magic. But they can happen with self-discipline and practice. Your mother is wrong. Her comments haven’t been at all helpful. Now that you are in your teens, you are less dependent on her and more able to judge things for yourself.

Take charge of your own social and physical education. Give it a year of real effort and things will be different by this time next year.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Suffering from a Mental Illness or Just Making Things Difficult for Myself?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 13th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Since I was 9 (that’s 5 years), it feels like a haze follows me everywhere. The first few years it was probably puberty or something, but I felt a little less than neutral all the time, cried at night sometimes, and got irritated easily. I guess that’s still now, I remember being more “edgy” the first 2 years, that’s something to laugh at maybe.

I don’t get angry as easily now, but I get irritable and random bursts of anger that leads to actions I regret later, I hurt the people around me.

I generally criticize myself a lot, “Everything’s your fault.”, “You’re wasting your time.”, “Everyone is better off without you.”, it gets worse, but I won’t go in-depth.
Oddly, I find my blood fascinating to look at, just my own. I pick at scabs, watch my blood clot, bite my arm and cover it with the marks (no blood or anything), dig my nails hard enough for the skin to peel off a little. Guro art and gore never really bothered me. My dreams involved death, self-harm, suicide, my leg exploded once–never really got bothered by it. Happened a few times.

Self-harm is something I haven’t ventured to, and I hope I don’t. But lately it’s kind of bad, so I thought I would come here. I take online tests, but those aren’t reliable. I don’t want to kick up a fuss and end up being completely fine and I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill, which is dumb because that’s a good thing. But in a way, I’m scared that all this was something I could have prevented, which I keep telling myself it is, that all this negative stuff was something I came up with and that I messed it up for myself. If that makes sense.

It’s illogical, I know. But if I do end up with something, I’m scared of how it’ll affect the people around me. And the money it would take.

I have a good life, family, friends, I don’t get abused, yadi yadi ya. My mom is in a field of work where she sees people who self harm sometimes, she says its a stupid action, and in a way, I guess it is. I played it off as a friend who has these feelings, and she tells me their parents should know if she was depressed. That got me thinking that maybe I was making things up in my mind. I haven’t told anyone.

I scare myself, I think I’m messed up in the head sometimes. It feels like my emotions have been put through a filter, I laugh, smile genuinely, but at the same time it feels like I’m not. It’s a weird feeling.

I don’t have hope for my future, I feel like I won’t be there to see it somehow. I feel like whatever I do won’t help, so I don’t really want to try.

I’m mentally tired all the time, physically tired often and I just want to sleep for a long time. I’m just kind of done with everything, I keep homework to the last minute, literally do it during break. I don’t care a lot, but I critisize myself because of that.

I don’t have much motivation, I don’t want to go out, I would rather stay home alone. Sleep, use my phone. My friend told me once I was acting off, she was worried, but I never told her why.

It feels weird to pour things out, I don’t do that. Somehow I don’t want to get too close to people, enough for them to hurt me. Which is strange, no one has really hurt me like that before. My inner turmoil and thoughts I have contradict what I am like to the people around me, I think I would rather die than have people I know how I’m feeling like.

I get to school find, study ok, do my responsibilities. But I feel like I’m doing all that with the bare minimum of effort, I’m not doing what I would call my best. Life seems way harder than it actually is to me. I want this to stop, but it’s all I remember, truthfully. So I guess somehow I think it’s safe in a way, I don’t know what a life is like without this anymore. My dad always says he misses the little girl who was so cheerful and helpful. I don’t know how to feel about that.

I might get written off as an emo teenager, which I already expect. I’m sorry this was so long. (Singapore)

It took a great deal of courage for you to talk about these struggles. I admire how persistent you are, how honest you are with your feelings, and sharing your vulnerability. For 14 years old you certainly have had to cope with many internal struggles. There are several elements and features of what you are dealing with that are important. First, here is a study about those who self-harm and are fascinated with their own blood. The medical term usually associated with a fascination with blood is hemophilia. Your condition is a bit more specific because of the self-harm. But I wanted you to know that the things you are experiencing are known to science and there is help for them. You are not making things difficult for yourself. These are real conditions and concerns.

The negative self-talk is something most therapists have the skill to help treat. Because of the skin picking (known as excoriation disorder, chronic skin-picking or dermatillomania) I would recommend you have your parents help you get an appointment with a psychiatrist. He or she will be able to make a proper diagnosis and suggest a treatment for these issues. Please don’t use my guesses as a firm diagnosis — they are just meant to identify the features you’ve discussed, but you’ll need an in-person evaluation to assure an accurate finding.

You took a very brave step in coming forward to talk about these things. I would not take the next step and let your parents know you’d like to see a psychiatrist. If they are unwilling, ask to see a physician as he or she would be able to get you to a person who can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What to Do about My Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 12th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I love my dad but he scares me a lot. I feel like I’ve kind of brought a lot of the anger my dad has upon myself, but it’s still hard for me to stay at home any longer. When I get in trouble it’s for legitimate reasons (I smoke and drink and I often get caught), but he gets so angry that it terrifies me, and I honestly just want to drink more to forget that he’s there.

He screams and brings up unrelated past events (ex: he’ll bring up an outfit i wore a week ago and call me a prostitute for wearing it). He told me the other day that I’m not gonna have any friends because he’s gonna threaten to call the police if he see’s any with me, and they’ll be too scared to talk to me anymore (he said this because many of my very good friends smoke weed). I understand that he wants me to be safe, and have a good life, but he throws stuff and yells at me and threatens to shoot or call the cops on my friends. It doesn’t make me want to stop smoking and get my grades up, it just makes me want to run away and do it even more.

Before I smoked or drank he’d yell at me and sometimes hit me (he doesn’t hit me anymore), for my grades or for hurting myself, which is sort of why I started drinking and smoking nowadays. He’d get angry at me for having emotional issues and blame me or the shows I watch or something that I do, rather than my childhood problems. I’ve had several therapists, but they only last for a few sessions because we can’t afford it, our insurance doesn’t cover it so it’s like $200 a session.

Hes taken my door to my room now, he’s bugged my phone and is always watching me. I can’t go outside the house anymore unless it’s with them or for school, and he’s made me quit my job. He’s cutting contact between me and all of my friends, one of them being a friend I’ve had for a very long time who has no one else besides me and is actually on suicide watch right now. I feel like I live in a prison, in which he bullies me and constantly mocks everything I do.

  Thank you for reaching out to us here at PsychCental.com. Your dad sounds like he is unstable emotionally and the fact that he is intimidating you, has hit you in the past, threatens to shoot your friends, calls you a prostitute, and is angry at you for having emotional issues points to the fact that you are feeling unsafe and need to have someone help you that is nearby. There are two resources I recommend. Here is information on woman’s centers that can help you at low or no cost, and a national hotline for more information and access to local help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Did I Get Myself into Another Unhealthy Relationship?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 12th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I divorced several years ago after 18 years in an abusive marriage.  I have been dating an old friend from college for over 1 year.  This man is very gentle and kind, and does a lot of nice things for me.  He spends most of his free time with me when possible, but he lives an hour away.  He always makes the drive to see me, and comes 2-3 times a week to do things or hang out with me.

However, he is very stubborn and as the relationship has progressed, I have found him to be unwavering on issues that are important to me.  For example, he does not recognize our relationship on Facebook.  He is very active on social media in an anonymous way.  He doesn’t post anything about his personal life.  I am certain that he is not a “player”and has no other women in his life.  However, I have expressed a desire to tag him in posts, but he will not let me.  He does not want me to post anything about him or his/our photos.  I have complied with his wishes.

In addition, he will not let me come inside his house that he owns.  He says it is too messy for me to see. I have also expressed to him how troubling this is to me, but he still refuses to let me go inside.  He seems to be concerned when I get upset and wants to know why, but when I tell him these reasons he only gets irritated at me.  He even said he was going to delete his Facebook account, so I’d let it go.

It troubles me that he doesn’t seem to be concerned about how much these 2 issues bother me. He wants me to be happy, but not enough to compromise on these issues or even discuss them. I am sad a lot about these things and that I might be making a mistake staying with him.  I truly am in love with him, but I am very confused. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or if he is. I was always mistreated in my marriage, but didn’t accept it until I sought counseling. I do not want to make excuses for another man that is going to take advantage of me again.  I would appreciate any advice available.

Navigating a new relationship after such a long history of feeling abused is difficult indeed. I suspect the reason your gentleman friend guards his privacy so strongly isn’t about you, but about his own history. Like you, he may have been very hurt in the past. He’s taking it slow in letting you into his life (and his house) and in the timing for making your relationship public. That may be what he needs to feel safe as your relationship develops.

It won’t help to argue with him about it. It might move your relationship forward if you tried to have a compassionate conversation about the hurts you each bring to the relationship and how you can best support each other in daring to try again to find love.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Should I Do about Alcoholic Dad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 8th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Canada: For nearly my whole life my father has been an alcoholic. He has anger issues he refuses to address. For a period of time he would have fights with my mom about his drinking, but he’s learned to hide it from her.

When I was younger, he would constantly pick on my older sister. As I got to be 9+ years of age he also began to pick on me, especially once my sister left for school. He would yell at me without being provoked. He would come into my room at random times and yell at me for “not behaving like a normal human being” and cuss me out for other general things.

My sister used to get mad at me frequently as well, and I feel this was because for a long time she would get in trouble from my father but I wouldn’t. I was always upset when he would yell at her. Due to the way my family would interact with me, I tend to isolate myself from them. I am also very careful about managing my own anger, because I do not want to be like them.

As much as I feel my father has hurt me and acted selfishly, he’s still my dad, and when he is in the right mood he is very kind and giving to others. All of my friends think he’s great. I feel a lot of empathy for him because I believe he endured a lot of abuse when he was a child.

So this is my dilemma: My father has hurt me and continues with his behavior to this day. I don’t want to be near him or involved with him at all. However, I want him to be happy and feel loved. If I reject him, I know that I would be hurting him a lot. I truly feel that telling him how I feel and asking him to change will do nothing but make him angry. I have struggled with these conflicting emotions for a long time. What can I do?

Your father is a fortunate man to have such a thoughtful daughter. Being the sensitive person you are, you don’t want to hurt him, despite the fact that he has been hurtful. It’s sad he can’t see it.

That being said, I do want you to know that you are not alone in your dilemma. One of the challenges of dealing with a parent like yours is that he isn’t all bad. As you’ve indicated, it is unfair to write him off completely. He has positive qualities. He has supported his family. He has not alienated your friends. And you understand that his behavior stems from his own abuse history. There is much in your relationship with him that is worth salvaging.

You probably can’t address the situation on your own. I can think of a few things that might be helpful.

First: Look for a chapter of Al-Ateen. Al-Ateen helps teens like you develop tools for coping with an alcoholic parent. There’s a “find a meeting” tab on their website.

Secondly: Get yourself into therapy, not because I think you are mentally ill, but because I think you need an objective therapist to help you sort out the effects of having had an alcoholic parent. A therapist can offer you important support as you figure out what you can and can’t do to maybe change the situation. I hope the therapist will also engage your sister and mother in the project and consider whether a family intervention would be helpful. Sometimes a kind but direct confrontation with the pain that alcoholism has caused does motivate someone to change.

Third: Find a way to forgive your dad for being an imperfect father. Yes, he really has been imperfect. But apparently he has also done the best he could given his own history. The best he could wasn’t good enough but he did somehow manage to stay in the family and to raise a daughter like yourself. Forgiveness is not intended to let him off the hook for his negative behaviors. Forgiveness has the power to help you both move on and perhaps make a better future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Does my Sister Keep Fighting with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 7th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: So freshman year of highschool, I developed really bad aniexty maybe depression I’m not sure but anyway, I was so sensitive and cried over everything like one time my brother looked cute and I cried because I thought of myself as a mean person and if anyone said anything mean ab me i cried. Always told myself I would get through it and stay strong because I have so much to live for.

I now am happy and that experience made me so grateful for everything around me. I live my life now and think about everything I say and do. That being said my sister always fights with me and will rip me apart. She will call me a wh*re and a b*tch for no reason and she says I have a God complex because she thinks im being crazy because i try to hold it in. I hold it in because i like to set an example and not curse in front of my younger siblings and i do even when im mad. but its like stop means keep going and she will record me yelling at her once she knows she got to me.

she is so manipulitive and i just want her to stop but all she says is “i dont care, i dont care” i care too much to say that especially since i always feel guilty about bad things i do and honesty is the best policy w me but she goes out of her way to make me mad but then when i flip out I look insane.

I just want her and I to be happy and she doesn’t care when my mother takes her computer away. My mom said we are going to therapy but i doubt that will happen due to her views on therapy. She thinks its nonsense. My sister has always been picked on by my older siblings so i protect her and yet when im the nicest and closest to her she picks on me. I just want to know whats happening with her. I can only take so much and we share a room and go to the same highschool. shes a freshman and recently lost her best friend so i support her but this started before she lost her friend. Maybe she feels alone? I know i make mistakes but she straight up doesn’t care HELP

I am very glad you wrote. You are correct that this isn’t normal sibling rivalry. Without talking to your sister, I don’t know what is going on for her but I have a couple of ideas for you to think about:

You said that your sister has been picked on by your older siblings. It may be that she doesn’t trust you even though you are nice to her. She may think it’s only a matter of time before you pick on her too. She can’t stand the anxiety of waiting for you to bully her too. She therefore provokes you until you confirm her worst fears that you are no different from the others.

It may also be that she has no idea how to be in a friendly relationship with a sibling. She provokes you because to her fighting is “normal.” Fighting does keep people connected with each other, even though it is an unhappy connection.

You are right that she doesn’t really need a fight. She needs help. But until she gets some help, the person who can change things, at least a little, is you.

You can’t change how your sister treats you. But you can do better at declining the invitations to fight. Remember: When you flip out, you are inadvertently showing her that her manipulations work. Instead of fighting, find a few phrases to use to respond like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I love you too much to fight” and then quietly and calmly LEAVE the situation. You can go to another room. If she follows you, go for a walk. You can go to the library or a friend’s house. The exception to this is if she ever escalates to physically hurting you. Then do involve a parent immediately. Even then, keep as calm as you can. Stress your concerns about her, not your anger. Do tell her how much it means to you to have a sister to talk to whenever she is behaving decently.

Yes, this will be hard. Yes, it isn’t fair that you should have to put up with your sister’s abuse. Things aren’t always fair in families. I hope you can look at this as an exercise in teaching yourself how to stay centered in spite of what others say.

I hope your parents will reconsider their attitude toward therapy. You are 18. You can do the groundwork by looking for a therapist who specializes in family work. School guidance counselors often know where teens can get free or low cost therapy. Once you identify a therapist, you can give that information to your parents and see whether there is insurance to cover it.

If no one else in the family will go to therapy, please consider going yourself. You deserve to have the ongoing advice and support of a therapist.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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How Do I Get Out of This Family Drama?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 3rd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: My husband of 13 years has been unfaithful for years and I let it slide until 2018 when I caught him taking pics with another man in drag.  He used the excuse he wanted to transform to a woman so I left. ( I say excuse bc after i officially left he changed his mind on changing)

My mom tells me to come home and before I decided I learned my father had a heart attack that almost killed him which set me into motion of coming home. I told her I was a failure and she gave me the support I needed and said i wasn’t which made me feel welcomed back.

Fast forward to today i feel like this woman hates me. My kids and I do stuff around the house for her, she even started to pay my youngest ones. But my sister never does anything. I’m not allowed to say anything about it bc it starts fights that I end up apologizing for when I feel it’s not me who needs to.

My dad knows she is lazy but told me to keep my mouth shut around mom bc he is tired of the drama. So I have. Now shes back to going through my oldest daughters things and if you say anything she denies it. My younger sister gets away with everything and I’ve let it go, but now they are attacking my 21 year old who can every much defend herself but it’s wrong.  We can’t do anything right.

I live in a camper on the property, my oldest didnt want to stay with me so my mom said she could sleep on the couch and gave her a closet, that she has to keep locked bc my mom and sister go through her stuff.

My dilemma is I left one toxic home for another and I feel this one is worse than being with my husband. With him I got to speak, here I’m 10 all over again with a 17 yr old sister that runs the place. My mom treats me like I’m a competition to beat. Shes a compulsive liar, attacks me with nasty words anytime she feels a little threatened or I speak up for myself.

I finally got a job that dont pay enough and i have the kids in a steady environment. Grades are better, not missing as much school. They have friends and activities. I dont know what to do. My husband wants me to come home. And I have thought about it bc of the stress I’m in here, but I know things wont change with him. And I need to get away from my mother. I’m guessing I’m answering my own question by saying I need to find a second job to get away from both. I’m tired and not getting relief.

What a difficult way to live. I understand why you are so frustrated. I do agree with you that it would be a mistake to go back to your husband. You deserve better. Believe it or not, I also agree with your father. Trying to change your mother is futile. Why put yourself through the frustration that comes with trying?

You are not going to change your mother. You are not going to change your sister. What you can change is how you deal with the situation until you can get out.

There is no point in defending yourself or arguing. Arguing with your mother just tells her there is something to argue about. When a rational person argues with a crazy person, the rational person ends up looking crazy, too. If your mother invites you to fights, decline the invitation. Say something neutral (like “I’m sorry you feel that way.”) and leave. If she blocks you when you try to leave, just stand there and hum, pray, meditate — whatever helps you not respond — until she gives up.

Your daughter has it right. Lock up what you don’t want your mother to see. Stay in your camper or visit friends or the library or go for a walk when you’re not at work. There’s really no reason to go over to her house. If you help out, she criticizes. If you don’t help, she criticizes. So why put in the effort to help?

Meanwhile, make a plan for how to get out of there. Can you get a better paying job? Would it be wise to get some schooling to retool? Can you do some volunteer work that will prepare you for better work? (At the least, it will keep you out of your mother’s crosshairs.) Is there live-in work in your area (like being a nanny or caregiver) that you can consider?

Do team up with your daughters on all this. They are old enough to be a team with you. They don’t need to argue with your mother either. It won’t change her. It only depletes them. Work together to figure out how you can make a better situation for yourselves.

I also suggest that you and your daughters find a family therapist to help you sort out how best to manage living on your parents’ property until you can get out. No, I don’t think you are “crazy”. I do think the situation is crazy-making. You deserve to have someone in your corner who can potentially come up with solutions you haven’t thought about already and who can provide you with some support.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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I Just Started Cutting Myself…

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 15 years old and just started cutting myself last night, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My biological father died the beginning of this month, and I just feel like crap. All my mom and step-dad do is yell at me, I have no friends and no one to talk to. I’m so far behind in my school work and I think about killing myself all the time. I’ve felt bad and had problems even before things started getting worse. I was actually diagnosed with bipolar when I was 10, but my mother took me out of therapy after the lady said I had bipolar. If I mention anything about the diagnosis she just says there is nothing wrong with me and that I’m fine. I go to an online schooling program so I never leave the house and spend most of my time in my room. I do start normal school next year though. Last night I just felt horrible and I just don’t know. I hate to admit it but I don’t really take care of myself either. It’s really hard for me to get out of bed and brush my teeth or take a shower. I don’t really do anything anymore. I don’t think I could be put in therapy. Even if my parents would allow me to go they wouldn’t be able to afford it. Everything just got worse after my dad died. We were not close so I didn’t think it would affect me when he died. He did drugs, cheated on my mom, he even threatened to kill us when I was a kid. I don’t think my mom really helped, she would tell us everything he would say. Doctors threatened to put me and my brother in foster care because of the condition we were living in. Now my mom has been married to this guy for 4 years and they fight all the time. We live in a trailer so I can always here when their fighting. My grades have dropped and I just don’t know. I feel like this is all over the place. What’s should I do?

I am so glad you chose to write us here and tell us what’s been going on. I’m sorry that you lost your dad. Profound losses in our lives can often throw us off. It sounds like your mom and stepdad have more on their own plate than they can handle. This means it is time for you to take care of your needs more directly. Just like you reached out here — I am going to encourage you to reach out directly and your community for help. Your city has a large and well organized woman center. Your parents aren’t giving you the help you need so it is time to ask these agencies directly. If you have begun cutting please do this sooner rather than later. The center has low or no cost therapy that you should be able to use.

In the meantime please use our forums here at LifeHelper to talk with others about what you are going through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have a Few Things to Ask Because I’m Unsure What They All Mean

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 28th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I cannot do things I used to do I don’t want to be social with my friends anymore and would rather stay on my own. Along with this, I can no longer have a conversation with my grandparents or dad because of social anxiety even though I could before. When in school now I will feel positive but I know somehow that I’m not and I then will go home afterward and completely change even though I don’t know why I just suddenly end up being really sad. I’ve heard of bi-polar but I don’t know if this is it or if it’s all just social anxiety.

I have been having these reoccurring dreams which either feature people I know as dead puppets along with me screaming about my own death at a black ghost wolf or they have me dying of a stroke in bed with nobody hearing me die. After either shouting about death or dying from a stoke in my dreams I wake up burning don’t feel scared. Are these normal or am I experiencing things that I shouldn’t because I honestly don’t know and really want to find out.

I have it in my head that time recently has been moving very fast for me and all choices made are permanent yet after thinking that I still would rather never make choices and I feel like I’m unable to control my life. For some reason I keep thinking that my life is able to be reversed easily which it isn’t but for some reason I still act like it is, because I know that I can’t do that whenever I’m asked about my plan for life I can’t actually think and the first thing I think of is jumping off a building to avoid ever having to.

I’m sorry if all this is just me overreacting at problems that don’t exist but I just want to find out either what they are or if they can be dealt with because at the moment I don’t really react to them and I don’t want these thoughts and dreams to become normal for me. (From England)

Thank you for writing us and expressing you concerns. It sounds like they have been very difficult to manage.

Yet I am aware that you have taken some direct control already by laying out the symptoms and issues in your email. For someone who says he doesn’t have control, you shown two important things already by writing this email. The first is that there is a very healthy part of you that knows these concerns aren’t how you’d like to feel. That part of you is looking to set things straight and for you to get better.

Secondly, you took the time to explain each of the symptoms concerning social isolation, social anxiety, mood shifts, bipolar concerns, recurring nightmares, and an existential dilemma concerning having control in your life. The you who is reporting all of these concerns is the very healthy part of you that is looking for some answers, that has control enough to reflect and make this report, and is willing to get some guidance.

The key to your question is in the last sentence that you “… don’t want these thoughts and dreams to become normal to me.” The ”me” you speak of is precious because it has been watching and noticing these things and is ready for some help in dealing with them. The next step is to find someone who can help. Since you are 16, I would talk to your parents about getting an appointment to talk to a therapist. You’ve taken a big step in dealing with these issues by writing us here — now it is time to work with someone one-on-one to help sort them through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Ex Might Be Paranoid … What To Do?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 25th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I met this guy online in January. Things started out great. But slowly, I began to notice things that were not normal with him. Here are a few examples:
1. One day I was out with my co-workers and while were were out he texted me. I texted him back telling him that I would call him back in 20 min. The get-together went over and I called him 15 min after I said I would. Instead of just letting me know that he was disappointed because I called later than I said I would, or say nothing (Most people I know would not make a big deal of that), he answered the phone and said that I sounded bitchy and that he was in a good mood until I called. He made me cry.
2. He has accused me many times of conspiring against him with other people to make his life miserable. One day I sneezed and he accused me of knowing someone who hates him. Accused me of working with that person and I was sent to mess with him. I couldn’t sneeze, cough or scratch my nose without being accused of conspiring against him. I didn’t know any of the people he was accusing me of knowing.
3. He has accused me of cheating on him and lying. He called me a fraud. He invaded my privacy by going through my computer and checking my email. He didn’t find anything but swore that when he did, he would be very vengeful.
We broke up because I couldn’t take it anymore. He has said so many hurtful things to me. He accused me of cheating every time he would text me and not hear from me for just 15 min.
The problem is, I am pregnant with his child, therefore it can’t be a clean break. Now he is using our unborn child as a mean to keep control over me. I have asked him not to contact me now, seeing I am only 10 weeks pregnant, But he still does. He has sent me over 100 texts and emails in one day claiming that he only wants to be in the baby’s life. He wants to be at every Doctor’s appointment and at the birth. He has even sent an email saying what the baby should be named.
I do want him to be in the baby’s life because I definitely understand the benefits of a child bonding with his father. But I fear for my safety. He is very unpredictable and emotionally abused me. Also, I feel that something is wrong with him. I want him to get help. I asked him to go to therapy many times. He claims that he goes, but I don’t think so. I even suggested couple’s counseling but he refused. Right now, I don’t feel comfortable leaving a child with him. Every time something doesn’t go his way and he feels hurt, he makes sure to hurt me. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I’m so sorry you are having this difficulty. I don’t know what type of diagnosis your boyfriend may have, but I do think the right thing is to protect yourself physically, emotionally and legally. The first thing to do is contact the Women’s Center in your county. They are very familiar with helping women who fear reprisal from their boyfriends. I would use them for counseling, prenatal care suggestions, and legal advice because these situations tend to get worse before they get better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Child Sexual Bullying

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 25th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a 32yr old special needs daughter. she doesn’t walk or talk.. she’s in diaper…I also have custody of my 12yr old grandson. He belongs to my other daughter
I’ve had him for about 6yrs..
I can barely bring myself to say the words..
But I caught my grandson touching my daughter inappropriately…very inappropriately..
Please help me..I don’t want my daughter at risk..I also don’t want my grandson removed from my care..
Does it mean that he has extreme issues?
He said he hates himself for it and that it will never happen again.. i’ve explained that it’s normal to be curious at his age bur that he ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT TOUCH HER AGAIN..
I’m worried about both of them and I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to our family..
I can get him the help that he needs I just want to do what’s best and right for both of them but I pray that can be done while keeping my family intact…
PLEASE PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE HELP US

It would have been helpful to have had the details about the specific behavior that your grandson engaged in. Without that information, it’s difficult for me to give you a thorough answer. Thus, my answer will be general in nature.

Regarding your specific question about whether or not he has “extreme” issues, the answer depends on what he did. The fact that he seems remorseful is a good sign. It means that he is sorry and seems to realize that he has made a very big mistake.

In the meantime, it would be best that he never be left alone with your daughter. Though he seems remorseful and embarrassed, you can’t be certain that it won’t happen again. If I knew more, I would be better able to predict whether or not he would repeat his behavior. At 12 years of age, he’s very immature and inexperienced and has limited control over his behavior. This may be especially true when it comes to his sexual impulses. He may have been acting out of curiosity or immaturity but no matter the reason, you can’t be certain that it won’t happen again. Thus, try to ensure that the two of them are never alone. That might involve acquiring additional help in your home (nurses aid, etc.) or perhaps installing a surveillance system.

I would highly recommend that you take him to counseling. The therapist will gather information about the details of the event, his psychosocial history, and so forth, and make a judgment about how to move forward and what kind of treatment is necessary. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong and nothing like this can ever happen again. It would be advisable for you to go to counseling with him, at least for the first few sessions. You need to be involved in his treatment. The therapist will offer you guidance about how to handle the situation and how to protect your daughter.

If this continues, your grandson risks going to jail and being labeled a sex offender. Even though he is quite young, and under the age of 18, he can still be labeled as a sex offender. In the United States, these individuals are referred to as juvenile sex offenders. This label can sometimes stay with them even into adulthood. Juvenile sex offenders are placed on registries much like their adult counterparts. Being on a registry can be a lifelong sentence. Obviously, that something the family would want to avoid.

Generally speaking, juvenile sex offenders tend to harm other children. Sometimes they target family members. Your daughter cannot fend for herself and thus may be an easy target for an offender. The best way to prevent this from happening again, is to seek treatment for your grandson. With the right help, future problems can hopefully be avoided. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Older Child Found Naked with Younger Child

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 22nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My wife has an 11 year old half-brother (D.), and I have a question regarding something D. did this past Thanksgiving. D. was over at his father’s house that day for the holiday. D.’s father has an adult daughter who has a four year old boy. While at his father’s house that day, D. and the 4 year old boy were playing in one of the upstairs bedrooms. Apparently, at some point, the 4 year old boy was running around naked. D. (who again, is 11 years old) decides that since this 4 year old boy got naked, he would get naked also. Eventually, the young boy’s mother found D. and the 4 year old naked in the room together.

D.’s mother was called to come pick him up, while the young boy’s mother took him to the hospital to have him checked out. A police investigation also took place. Neither the hospital personnel nor the investigation determined anything “sexual” occurred. However, the incident with D. really upset me. My wife and I have a 6 year old daughter, and after the events of Thanksgiving, I was really nervous to have D. around my daughter.

I went several months doing my best to ignore both D. and his mother when I could. Eventually, I had a long talk with D’s. mother, and things are cordial again. She told me that she gave D’ a very long talking to after the event and immediately sought help for him from a psychologist. D. has recently started seeing a different psychologist (his 1st one drop him).

So my question is this. D.’s mother recently told me that the psychologist he is now seeing stated that what D. did on Thanksgiving was normal behavior. Is an 11 year old getting naked with a 4 year old actually considered normal? I still can’t wrap my head around why he even thought to take his clothes off in the first place. I recall when I was around D.’s age, there were a few times I was in a place where younger kids (4-5 yrs. old) were running around naked for whatever reason, and I just left the room. Even though things are cordial with D. and his mother, I still get nervous at times when he is around my daughter.

I understand why you are concerned. It’s not usual for an 11 year old to strip just because a younger one did so. However, there may be extenuating circumstances. Kids mature at different rates. Families have different ideas about nudity. Sometimes kids aren’t “bad” but are showing bad judgment. I can’t comment on what the psychologist said about normalcy because I don’t have access to the same information she did.

The family did many things right in this situation. An investigation took place. The little boy was checked medically. D’s mother had a long talk with him and has taken him for counseling. You’ve done your best to continue to be in relationship to the family.

I think the best thing to do now is to talk carefully with your 6-year-old about what is and isn’t okay regarding nudity with anyone but her parents and doctors. Many parents find that it is helpful to tell their child that no one should see or touch any part of the body that is covered by a swimsuit. Also help her understand that she should come to you if anyone does such a thing — no matter what. Even if someone threatens her or tells her not to tell or else, she needs to come to you.

The 11-year-old is actually your daughter’s uncle. Another possibility is for his mother to talk to him about his role as “uncle” is to help to protect his niece. Being given responsibility may help him act more maturely.

Family relationships are often challenging. The tricky thing in this kind of situation is that it’s important to keep two things in mind: You want to protect your daughter, of course. It’s also important not to let a child (D) get labelled as an offender when he may have once made a bad choice.

If I were in this situation, I would try my best to normalize the relationship with the mom and her son but I would also be very vigilant for inappropriate behavior. Then take it from there.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is There Something Wrong with My Mind?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 20th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

As a child I was sexually abused for 4 years. No one knows. The only reason it stopped was because he died. Whilst that ended by the time I was 11 I still think about it and get upset. Lately however some feelings have developed that scare me. My family is very traditional. We all sit and have dinner in silence, father is the head of the household, and I am expected to be a sort of stepford daughter. I get straight A’s, don’t date boys (mostly because I am rarely allowed out of the house), hold a part time job, don’t drink, smoke or do drugs and I don’t so much as ask them to drive me places or give me money. I don’t treat them with disrespect but I constantly feel as if they believe I am a bad daughter. I think they are disappointed no matter how much I try and they don’t understand anything about me.

Because of this confined feeling I have started to develop a feeling of something or someone else inside me. It is part of me but separate at the same time. I am known as rational and responsible, organised, boring even, but the thing inside me is not. It feels like it is coiled up inside my skin, crushed inside the frame of my bones, but is constantly moving about, trying to scratch its way out. The thing inside me is always hungry, always angry, always excited, passionate, desperate, scared. I like to sink into the background and become invisible, but the thing inside wants to scream and cry for no reason. I feel its power sometimes reach my fingertips, or my spine or neck, as if it is trying to take over control.

Is this just a weird teenage thing that might go away? Or do you think I should seek more help? It really scares me. I want to set the thing free at the same time as wanting to just hide it away. Because i am part of it I want the same things that it does, but the rational me constantly worries about the consequences of feeling released for just a small amount of time.

I am really genuinely scared, what should I do?

I admire the strength and self-reflection you have. You are a very resilient young woman. No one deserves to be abused the way you had been and I am sorry an adult betrayed you. There are terms that describe what you are feeling, but rather than use labels let me just say that your feelings make sense to me. Four years is a long time, and however many years is an even longer time to keep a secret. It is time to talk to someone about all this. Writing us here was an excellent first step. Now I would find someone to talk to about this. The find help tab at the top of the page should have some contacts in your country. Alternately you may want to talk to your physician. He or she should be able to point you in the direction of a competent mental health professional.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Think There’s Something Seriously Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 19th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am unmotivated and I feel lazy all the time. I procrastinate all my school work and I have no sense of time management of all. I daydream all the time about the far future. I can be very social sometimes, but over the past two years I have become extremely detached. I do well in social situations, I just choose not to engage in them. I lie all the time, sometimes for no good reason. I have a father who was physically abusive to my mom and sister and I hate him for it but it doesn’t really bother me anymore since he lives in another country. I don’t feel sympathy when bad things happen to my friends. I’m fairly certain that if one of my closest friends died I wouldn’t feel bad at all. I often harbor violent thoughts when it comes to people I hate, such as my father’s mistress. Also, I’ve never wanted to get married. A lot of my friends dream about the day they would get married and their future husbands and kids, but for some reason it’s never appealed to me at all. The notion of sex and any form of intimate relationship does not interest me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I’ve had this feeling for a long time now, I just never reached out to ask anyone because I was scared. Am I depressed? Are the issues that I have able to be resolved, or am I just “wired”wrong? I’m really starting to hate myself because my personality just has so many flaws. I don’t think I’m a good person.

It is possible that you are experiencing depression. The things that used to interest you don’t anymore. You are very hard on yourself. Your feelings could be the result of your having witnessed violence and chaos in your home. Your father’s abuse led to the breakup of your family. You’re attempting to “find yourself” in the context of a chaotic home life.

I don’t think you are “wired differently.” You are likely reacting to what you have lived through with your family. Witnessing violence takes an emotional toll. Research has shown that children who witness violence experience psychological and emotional problems including feelings of hostility, anxiety, social withdrawal and depression; all symptoms you have described.

Many people have difficult childhood experiences. Sometimes they internalize those negative experiences and begin to believe bad things about themselves. These negative thoughts can lead to depression and misery. That might be what has happened to you. It is possible that had you not experienced what you have, you would not feel the way you do. Therapy can help to heal the problems that may have resulted from a difficult family life.

You’re frightened to ask for help but you shouldn’t be. Mental health professionals want to help you. They are empathic listeners who offer evidence-based, nonjudgmental advice. Therapy is a safe place to share your feelings and to receive constructive and supportive feedback that will improve your life. I hope that you will consider it. It would be a great asset to your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Does My Boyfriend Silence Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 19th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an adult man in the U.S. :  In a recent phone conversation with someone I’ve been seeing he apparently misinterpreted a question I asked. He became quite upset and began to talk constantly. When I would try to speak he would speak over me. Each time I tried to talk he would speak louder so that I couldn’t talk.

My only options were to try and scream over him, hang up on him or end the call as quickly and politely as possible.

Also he did the same thing back on January though I had forgotten it.

This seems like a form of mental/emotional abuse to me. Is it?

I feel speechless but not by choice.

The time to talk about this is when it is not happening. When people are so upset they can’t even hear each other, there is no point in trying to talk about a problem. As you have already discovered, screaming over him doesn’t help. Being silent doesn’t help either. Being silent makes you feel diminished.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship that is worth our time. People are individuals, even when they are much alike in temperament and interests. When people first become romantically interested in each other, all they can see, usually, is how alike they are.  As the relationship develops, differences emerge. When those differences don’t threaten each other’s beliefs or value system, they are often seen as interesting and enriching.

But when there is something about the difference that challenges someone’s dearly held beliefs or that call into question someone’s values or something that they have some shame about, the hard work begins. In order to continue building the relationship, those differences must be addressed and worked through. Either the couple comes to some new agreement about the issue or they find a way to respectfully agree to disagree. Appreciating each other’s positions and feelings, even when we don’t agree, is part of what deepens and supports a long term relationship.

I can’t answer your question about whether your friend is being abusive. Emotional abuse is characterized by verbal aggression that includes name calling, humiliating or intimidating the other and manipulation. It occurs over time and erodes the victims sense of self-worth.

Two incidents in 6 months, suggests that he was more frightened than abusive. People who are frightened or hurt often behave in ways that are difficult to take. It may be that the only way he knows to handle conflict is to shut it down by silencing you. If that is the case, talking disagreements through during a calm time so that both of you feel safe may be an important step in deepening your relationship.

On the other hand, if the only reason it hasn’t happened more often is that you are walking on eggshells all the time, your relationship is in trouble. No one in a love relationship should have to be constantly on guard so they don’t activate the “monster”.  No one should feel silenced. Accommodating to it will only drive you to be more and more silent.

I don’t have enough information to make a judgment about what is going on in your relationship. I hope this information helps you figure it out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Parent of 3 and 9 Years Sang Them a Catchy Jingle, But The Words Were Highly Inappropriate

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 11th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My friend was sitting at supper with his son in law and two grandsons. One age 3 the other 9. Suddenly out of the blue the father of the children stands up states he has a catchy dungeons and dragons lyric he wants to share that was written by a group called sisters.

In loving tones singing the lyrics and dancing the seductive jingle, he looks at each party swaying back and forth as he sings. “I can’t decide if you should live or die… ” then looms in to put his face within 3 feet of each of the children faces gazing into their eyes as he continues singing “I can’t decide if you should live or die” then throwing his arms out as he leans back singing “I CAN’T DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD LIVE OR DIE”

The children at first are smiling with the sweet intonations and their dad’s dancing antics. Then the actual words seem to impact them as first the nine-year-old begins to look confused and hurt, then the 3 years old the same with his eyes welling up with tears.

The father starts laughing and still singing the words walks off down the hall to his bedroom, goes inside and closes the door.

My friend, aghast and alarmed at the display and the children’s reactions assure them they are loved and wanted. hugging them and moving past the moment.

My questions are; “Is my friend wrong to be aghast and alarmed?” ”What if any are the possible psychological concerns that such behaviors may raise?” Should my friend ignore such warning signs of seeming inappropriateness?” It might be useful to know that the father while a railway worker currently, did earn a degree in early childhood education while he was in university prior. Thanks for considering.My depression can cause me not to see the full picture so I doubt myself at times. Then again sometimes I am seeing very clearly. I feel it would be useful to have a professional opinion.

Thank you again. (From Canada)

Your friend’s son-in-law’s antics are inappropriate for a variety of reasons. First, this was at best a severe lapse in judgment on the son-in-law’s part by not thinking things through and wrongly thinking this was entertaining. At worst this is horrible parenting and your friend’s response to this was exceptionally good and intuitively correct. He undid the confusion and hurt with the right words and gestures. Helping them to counteract the moment and move past it was the best possible intervention.

Children are resilient and forgiving — so I wouldn’t worry so much about this one instance as I would about the fact that it may be emblematic of a father who can’t understand the impact such a lyric and behavior could have on children this age. If he did this it means his social and emotional intelligence are lacking. The children’s reaction is proof of this in itself.

I’d encourage your friend to honor his instinct and to find a way to talk to his son-in-law. This should not go unchecked as doing so is likely to lead to more of the same.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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Is My Sibling Sociopathic?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 7th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen guy in the Channel Islands: So, I just wondered in your professional opinion if it is either maybe me going crazy or if there may be a chance (obviously I know there’s always a chance), but if there maybe an actual high likelihood my sister may be sociopathic. I think its important to note that I’ve looked at quite a few signs, but haven’t been able to come to a conclusion for years now.

If I explain some of my reasonings; I haven’t seen her in over a year now, to be quite frank, I am afraid of her. I can’t totally remember why/recall why. I think I may have blocked some of those memories out a bit.

None the less I remember her being excessively charming, very popular in school, very strong (physically and as a character) and pretty. And extremely lacking in any real consciousness. I was so afraid of her I didn’t want to share a bedroom with her at night, sometimes I was afraid I might breathe too loud and that might set her off and make her mad. I remember one time when I was snoring in my sleep and I woke up to her putting a pillow on my face blocking my air just to wake me up, and she was the one that acted annoyed.

I remember being afraid of her when she was angry, happy, sad, normal (if that exists with her) or otherwise. She was extremely temperamental and there was just something severely lacking about her inside. She also was EXTREMELY vain and narcissistic, really focused on looks. She was also one of the most hypocritical people I have ever met, every rule she made in a relationship on others was one she would never follow. She would make fun of people saying things people didn’t like or enjoy, often making my mother cry and then say it was “just a joke”.

She’s also studying politics as a degree… and we all know how unsociopathic politicians are (heavy sarcasm). From your opinion, or from what you have heard, and what I have described above, I know I am only presenting the maybe more negative sides to her, but does this sound like someone who could be sociopathic?
Many thanks

I don’t have enough information to know if your sister is sociopathic. I do know that regardless of whatever label you put on it, you have good reason to be afraid of her. Her behavior toward you is more serious than the usual sibling rivalry. People who are as temperamental as you describe her are often using their changing moods to control those around them. Ironically, it is often because they are insecure.

It probably isn’t all that helpful to try to define a diagnosis. If you want a relationship with her, you are old enough now to attempt to have an honest talk with her about the effect of her past behaviors and how to move forward. You will be more successful in such an attempt if you resist the temptation to blame and shame and instead focus on what you want from her now.

If she continues to be volatile and isn’t interested in talking, there isn’t much you can do except to stay away from her as best you can. There is no need for you to put up with abusive behaviors just because she is your sister.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Have No Trust in My Baby’s Father

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 5th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Basically I got pregnant in a long distance relationship and after 8 months he finally moved to be with me. But I’ve read txts where he tells his mom he’s going to abandon the child and come back home to them after he makes enough money to pay off his debts. He tells me he’s just telling them that to calm them down. And the past few months before he moved to me, he was talking with other girls I didn’t know about and even was planning to date one of them “if he and I didn’t work out” and he was telling her he loved her and all this.

I don’t know if they’re still talking because he locked his facebook and I can’t get in. All this hiding and secrecy has me really not trusting him (and I’ve had trust issues before him anyway). He’s the father of my child but I just don’t believe anything he says anymore and I’m under massive stress trying to cope. but our baby is due in just a few more weeks and I dont want her to grow up without her dad but i think i don’t want us to be together anymore.

I just can’t trust him. He still had photos of his ex girlfriend (including nudes) saved to his pc. He was talking with his ex throughout our whole relationship and lying about it. And I’ve read the emails with his other exes (that he had saved in his inbox) about how their relationships all started (which I get, it was all before me, no biggie) except that I realized he tells us all the exact same thing. The same lines to get us to be with him and then he plays the victim like he never did anything wrong. It’s just hurtful.

I know I’m wrong for going through his txts and emails, but I feel like if iI ask (and he truly has nothing to hide) he would show me without hesitation. But he hides it all and locks me out. Which makes me think there is stuff he doesn’t want me to see. Which, of course, only makes me more curious about what he’s hiding and why. I don’t really know what to do here… Please help.

I think it’s time to face facts. It takes more than biology to make a father. Your baby doesn’t have a committed father now and probably won’t have one in the future. This man just isn’t into you or into making a family with you. Take a big step back. Don’t invest another minute of your time or your heart. You simply can’t rely on him now. People do change but only when they want to. Pull back from him unless and until you see evidence that he is sincerely interested in being the man you and your baby deserve.

I hope you have family and friends who you can count on. Bringing a baby into the world should be a joyful and tender experience, not one fraught with stress and grief. Ask a good friend or relative to be with you during delivery so you can focus on the baby, not on a guy who doesn’t deserve your love.

I wish you a safe and happy birthing.
Dr. Marie

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