Home » Abuse » Page 17
Category:

Abuse

Am I a Pedophile and Incestuous? HELP ME

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 1st, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Let me start by saying that I am an 18 years old hetero male and I am suffering from these thoughts for 2 years. It all started with me face-planting to my mom’s breast get a split second turn on. I felt disgusted by myself, wanted to die, thought that I don’t deserve to live or even go to heaven. I thought I belong to hell. I always tried to check if I get turned on by thinking a sexual thing about my mom and I felt disgusted by myself more and more. But I’ve left it behind when my doctor said that it’s normal to get turned on because I face-planted to a women’s breast and my body reacted to it. Then after suffering these, I started thinking that I am a pedophile. It all started with me getting sexual thoughts from a child anime character who’s name is kanna kamui . She has very thick thighs and wears thigh high socks. Let me say that have a kink about thigh high socks. It all happened again. Disgusting myself, thinking I belong to hell, and not wanting to live.
I always checked her pictures to see if I get turned on or not. Which I did n’t. My doctor said that I am not a pedophile as well and suffering from POCD. So with that I always said YOU’RE NOT A PEDOPHILE to myself. I didn’t get any intrusive thoughts about having a sex with children so that helped me as well. And yesterday I’ve gone to my doctor saying that I am not taking medications anymore and I was feeling great. He did some tests on me and I’ve passed all of them. I was happy, better than before. But that day I said okay I am gonna look at the pictures of that child anime girl and think having sex with my mom to see if I get turned on or not if i don’t then I’ll be happy forever. You know what happened? Split second turn on both of them. Now I want to die again. I don’t want to accept that I am a pedophile nor incester.
Now I check pictures of that girl and think sexual things about my mom to see if I get turned on but i don’t. But why did I felt that split second turn on? Was it because I was scared that it’ll get it? I am not seeing myself having sex with my mom even if it’s possible. I am not seeing myself having sex with children even if it was ok and legal. I don’t fantasize about children nor my mom. I don’t get turned on by looking at children. I can say that they look good, their legs look good. But not in a sexually aroused way. I just ask myself that if their legs look good or do they look good and say yes or no. I don’t fantasize about their face or get romantically aroused by their face.
Am I a pedophile and incest or is it POCD? Please help me. (From Turkey)

I appreciate the internal struggle this is creating and believe your doctor is giving you accurate information. While it would not be possible for me to make a diagnosis via this email, it does sound like the POCD is the most likely concern. Obsessive-compulsive thoughts can wreak havoc and hijack our thinking. The only thing I can say is that checking to see if the pictures or the images of your mom will turn you on is not what you want to do. Don’t keep testing yourself. Even if you pass those tests 1,000 times the obsessive thoughts will be drawn to the one time you have a reaction and run with it. Don’t keep jumping into the water to see if you can handle the temperature.

Stick with your doctor. He sounds like he is giving you accurate and reliable information about your condition.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comment

Is My Husband Being Disrespectful?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 1st, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

A few months ago, my mother in law accused me of something I didn’t do. She went so far as to threaten me with police and lawyers. When I showed up at her house to pick up my children, she started screaming at me, calling me names and tried to pull me out of the car. I haven’t spoken to her since and I am not allowed at her house. When my husband takes the children over there, I have to stay home. Last night, my husband informed me that on Christmas morning, after presents are opened at our house, he is taking the children over to my in-law’s house to celebrate for a little bit, while I have to stay home, alone, without my children. I even offered to let the in-laws come over to our house to watch the kids open presents and eat breakfast. They declined. While I know she is their grandma and I would never take them away from her. I feel like I am being punished, while she gets what she wants and I am being forced to barely spend Christmas with MY children. I expressed my feelings to my husband and he doesn’t understand, he thinks I am being irrational. I feel like this is complete disrespect towards me. One for allowing his mother to treat his spouse this way and two for allowing himself to treat me this way. What can I do?

This is important enough to take a stand on. Your husband’s lack of understanding and dismissing your response as irrational will create more and more issues. By minimizing and ignoring your needs he will be driving a greater rift in the family. By not understanding and declaring you irrational without seeing his mother’s role in this he will be alienating you — and eventually the children. It is important to deal with this sooner rather than later.

His mother’s unwarranted accusations, physical altercation, and refusal to come to your house when invited must not go unanswered by your husband if there is to be a healing between you and him. The psychological emphasis must be on the two of you to maintain a unified stance, not him making a unilateral decision to appease his mother even though it hurts you. This will not be healthy for the marriage. It isn’t that him going to the in-laws wasn’t a potential solution for the day, but it is the fact the two of you were not in agreement with it that is the issue. If you were both on the same page with him going for a bit that would have been fine. The thing that makes this dangerous is that your husband is dismissing your needs completely by dismissing them as irrational and acting to pacify his mother rather than join with his wife. This has generated your resentment, which will continue to grow if he continues to diminish your feelings.

Finding a couple therapist or family therapist in your area using the Find Help tab at the top of the page would be important. I’d strongly encourage the two of you to talk to a family therapist to get some support and ideas of how best to deal with this situation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comment

Bullying Leads to Violent Thoughts, Actions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 31st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Um, how to start. I’m a student in a mid-high school school. My grades are not bad nor good either. Though, since i was a 7 years old girl, i’m not sure if i’ve ever said anything to them or no, people begin to bully and harass me. I don’t know why, and usually i being used by peoples i called ‘friends’.

So…up ’till now i was always being bullied, until i got very sick of it and take an action; i cut their arms. not literally cutted, it just grazed by razor that they brought at school and use to scare me. I feel bad about it, but i also feel happy. I can feel i was smiling seeing that blood came out from his wound. I would like to do it more. I don’t know why i just can’t help it. Fortunately no one has been killed by my own hands, yet.

I’m a fanatic of horror and violence movies. Just seeing them sadistically killed makes me uncontrollably giggling. Maybe it was because of the blood~

I’m not a sociable person, most think i’m crazy and insane for talking to myself and entertain myself without relying on others. Right, i have no friends in the school because i couldn’t trust anyone.

My parents, i never tell them about my problems and tends to lock myself inside my bedroom. Because i know they’ll say “It was your fault anyway”. Yea…it was my fault i attracted those bullies. I always be and blamed that includes everything upon me. “Because it’s YOUR fault” they say. My brothers never support me too. they’ll just mock me. I can hear them laugh when i told them my suffering. such a nice brother, aren’t they~?
I know it against rule, but i always bring knife to school. Sometimes i laugh maniacally to myself or when i cut them. Blood surely pretty~ that’s what i thought.

I think my parents just going to mad at me for hurting others, because if i said the truth, they’ll just “You’re not allowed to talk back!”. Oh well~

I’m not so manipulative, but i can charm few peoples to do jobs for me. Whenever they found out, i just guilt-trips at them. I know it’s bad but it’s sorta of fun.

Intellectually, your reaction to bullying is understandable but not right. Perhaps you resorted to violence because you felt helpless but it doesn’t make it okay. It’s the wrong solution for several reasons. If you attack someone they may fight back. You may be severely injured or even killed. Physically attacking someone is illegal. You would likely be arrested and incarcerated. You risk losing your freedom. Incarceration is also traumatizing and bullying can and does occur there. It’s not a good experience. Having a criminal record can also ruin your chances to go to college or to get a job.

With regard to your bullies, you have a desire to “kill them.” You asked if that was normal for someone your age. No, it’s not normal for anyone at any age. I see it as a sign that you feel helpless, are suffering and lack the skills to know how to resolve this problem. Adult intervention is required.

What should you do? Every time you experience bullying, report it to the school faculty. In most schools, there is a zero tolerance policy with regard to bullying. The bullies might be suspended or even expelled from school. If they were suspended or expelled, your problem could be solved. You should also report it to your parents. They need to know what is happening even if you don’t think they will believe you. Tell them. Document the bullying. If necessary, call the police and report what is happening to you in school.

Don’t resort to violence. I have described a more appropriate strategy for dealing with the bullying and I hope you will take my advice. As I outlined above, you have a great deal to lose by engaging in violence.

Finally, if you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, then it’s imperative to seek immediate emergency treatment. Go to the emergency room or call 911. Emergency assistance can stop you from engaging in behavior that will harm you or others. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

0 comment

Troubled by a Massage Therapist and Boyfriend Who Can’t Control Himself

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 31st, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. I went for a day at the spa with my sisters and everything was going great. Then I went for my massage that my sister had already booked for me, it was a nice gift from her. Then I realized that it was a man who was giving the massage. I usually prefer women but no one else was available and I thought < >.
I asked for a strong massage of neck and back. At first he said: I wont go that strong because I don’t want to hurt your muscles… So I thought OK, it will still be a massage and I am very stressed these days. Then he started talking to me non stop. About how my last name was special, how I was special… That I was so beautiful from the outside but also from the inside. Like he knew me. Like I was a witch able of good magic, that I had so much potential for my future. I didn’t know how to react, what he was saying was funny and they were good compliments but I was feeling uncomfortable. I was here to relax and was trying to make the most of it. I didn’t know how to react, I was just breathing hoping he would stop. His massage was nothing I asked for. He was stretching my body and not massaging. He was ”creating points of energy” and it wasn’t that relaxing. At some point he kinda touched me near my pectorals, but it felt weird, like he was too close to my breast, so I kinda moved a bit and he never went back there. At some other point he touched me near my coccyx, for my it was too far inside my bum, but also only for a sec and didn’t go back. I was so shy I didm’t say anything. It’s like I completely froze, almost naked there, I didn’t feel comfortable with him. Although nothing ‘happened’ I mean he didn’t touch directly my breast or my butt.
He was going on and on about how he felt he knew me for a long time and I didn’t know what to answer, I was just expecting to have a relaxing time and it was just stressing me so much I froze and didn’t know what to do… It’s that way of touching mixed with what he was saying, asking if someone broke my heart, if I had a lot of sadness inside of me… etc etc… I came here to RELAX not for a therapy. But his questions were so surprising, unexpected in that context that still: It brought emotions in me (memories, sadness) that I couldn’t express myself. I am really depressed these days, with no energy…

After, I told my boyfriend my massage didn’t go as I expected. He listened to me but he started laughing: that guy wanted to have sex with you! I said that no, I think he was just weird and I didn’t like his massage and felt uncomfortable. The he said: a guy touches you places that you don’t like and you do nothing! You let him do. So you are responsible for this, if you do nothing it means you accept, it means you don!t mind. I tried explaining that I didn’t know how to react, I kinda froze but at the same time it was not much, it’s not like he grabbed my ass or squeezed my breast, of course that would have been unacceptable and YES I think that if he would have touched me like that and gone too far I would have reacted! But what is too far? I mean, I am often uncomfortable in society sometimes when a stranger grabs my hand or people I don’t know much want to hug.

But then my boyfriend said that I was ridiculous almost stupid, that I was able do to a big scene with him, my own boyfriend, crying or screaming when we have an argument but not with that random guy who makes me feel uncomfortable? That I wasn’t a teenager anymore and if I don’t say anything when I don’t like it at my age it is unacceptable and it means that that was what I wanted… So basically, I kinda got what I ran after…

Thank you for your letter. What an uncomfortable series of events! I think there are two things that might help. First, the massage therapist was completely out of line. You told him what you wanted and he ignored it, and then he talked to you inappropriately through the entire session. Both things are not okay. You have to remember this is a service that you’re paying for. Instead of being relaxed he made you more anxious. He didn’t do his job properly.

I would sit down and write a letter back to the spa. You have the bulk of it written here already — but in essence you want to explain that there were many elements of this massage that weren’t good.

The writing of the letter is the intervention. Whether or not you send it is up to you and whether or not you send it with your name on it — or anonymously — is up to you. The idea is to express to them how inappropriate this was. The expressive writing alone will help.

Secondly, I would have a discussion with your boyfriend about how hurtful it was to feel blamed by him. In criticizing you for not speaking up rather than helping you find ways to cope and speak up — he is doing the same thing to you that the massage therapist has done. In both instances you needed and expected one thing and got another. Your boyfriend needs to be taught how to listen and support you — not be judgmental and blaming.

Finally, I would encourage you to read a book or take a brief course on assertiveness. These are rather easy skills and can help when you need to speak up and take care of yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comment

Disconnected from Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 27th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I don’t feel a motherly connection to my mom. I would feel more comfortable talking and leaning on just a woman her age rather than her. She wasn’t a BAD mom as I grew up. I always had what i needed pretty much. But she would scream and threaten me almost everyday. Everyday we would fight. She has slammed me against the wall, smacked me in the face, threw me around, kicked me while I was down, pulled my hair, hit me with a belt, embarrassed me in front of family, friends, and in public, squeezed my face really hard, completely invaded my privacy…ect. A lot of physical stuff. I know i was difficult growing up but I know why she had to put her hands on me. I used to hate her sometimes.

I’m 23 now and she doesn’t do that stuff anymore because she knows i am strong enough to fight back. But i do not feel a motherly connection with her now. I don’t hate her, but I don’t feel comfortable talking and being affectionate with her.

I date WOMEN who are 15 and 20 years older than me because I feel like I can lean on them and that they will understand me. Did my mother’s abuse cause me to resent her? Has it become the reason why we don’t have a good relationship now?

What do you mean, “she wan’t a bad mother”? Yes, she very much was. What you are describing is child abuse. No one has the right to physically and verbally abuse a kid – ever! And you go on to say that she doesn’t continue to do that stuff only because she knows you would fight back. Do you mean if you were smaller and weaker, you think the abuse would continue? That the only reason you’re safe now is that you are big enough to take care of yourself?

There is something very wrong with your mother, not you. You didn’t get the safe and loving mother every child deserves.That little kid inside is still craving a mom. You question is why you can’t be attached to your biological mother. The answer is simple: The survivor in you knows better! To attach to your biological mother would probably only invite more abuse.

If your sexual orientation is toward other women, that’s to be respected. But if the reason you seek out women is to comfort the aching child you still hold inside, it’s unfair to your partners. Sadly, a romantic relationship based on your neediness isn’t likely to be healthy. Although it’s true that in any good relationship one partner or the other can provide comfort and care for the other now and then, if it is too one-sided the relationship usually collapses.

Instead, you need a close older friend or two to be close to, not a sexual romantic partner. There are such women, you know — women who miss their own daughters, women who never had a daughter, and women who include younger women in their circle of friends because they enjoy their energy, enthusiasm and new ideas. Friendships like that include good talks, sharing experiences, hanging out and, yes, some hugs and affection. You can have that without “dating.”

So – if you need a mother, not a lover, start going to places where you can get to know mother-types. Look around. I’m sure there are clubs and organizations and causes in your area that attract feisty, energetic, interesting, fun-loving women who are a generation older. Join up and get involved. The friendships will evolve naturally.

If your heart is still aching and breaking that you can’t make your mother be who you needed and want her to be, please do consider some therapy. You aren’t going to change your mother. You can heal the inner wounds she caused you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comment

Do I Lack the Psychological Strength for College?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 25th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I really struggled in my first year of college, mostly due to life events (first-time academic challenges & inadequate high-school preparation, death of a close relative, illness, abuse, being kicked out of home, losing a lot of friendships, exam anxiety/panic attacks). Anyway, I decided to pull myself together for my second year and did a semester with almost double the normal course-load to get back on track. But I broke down in mid-semester (hadn’t had a day off in 3 months except when I was too sick to study).

So I decided to focus on one class I really like and spent a month studying for that final, only for my exam anxiety to resurface- I barely got a D. When the second round of finals came, I failed all of them, mostly because I find myself unable to study for them. Which is silly I took three weeks of break beforehand anyway, and none of the material was hard.

I have considered that I might simply be too stupid for college, but I know from past academic success that I’m (theoretically) intellectually capable. However, I often give up on frustrating exercises because I feel like I’ll never come up with the solution, and that any decent student would’ve solved them much more quickly- and that my solution will be insufficient and flawed beyond repair.

Aside from that, I feel very demotivated. I used to care about understanding the coursework, and I am still interested in my major on principle, but I can’t bring myself to open a textbook unless someone is hovering over me. A year ago, I remember flipping through my (then new) textbook, without any factual understanding of the pages of strange squiggles but excited and eager to unlock their mysteries. Now I know what most of them mean, but they hold no interest or emotional significance to me and I can’t be bothered to think about the ones I don’t understand and, at this rate, never will.

I’ll have to repeat the exams I failed this semester (or graduate late), but I feel too apathetic to study. There’s just emptiness where I used to have enthusiasm. Well, I know it’s going to be my fault for being too lazy and not wanting it bad enough. I guess I’m just too psychologically weak for college (I keep collapsing under the pressure before/at exams and I can’t motivate myself anymore), but if I was strong enough to put myself back together I wouldn’t be having this problem. I know I’m going to break down again when exams come anyway, so why waste time on a lost cause?

Anyway, I still sort of go to classes because my friends go there, and I theoretically have a plan that would allow me to graduate on time (and retain shreds of a social life) if I would study effectively. I’ve tried to go to the library, but I just end up staring at the wall, so I stay stuck on the couch and bore myself. I guess I just feel that, regardless of what I do, I’m just too …I don’t know, stupid/weak/un-passionate to even pass exams.

I’d quit and do something easier, but nothing else interests me and I’d probably fail those exams too. Not to mention having thrown away two years. Right now, my “rosy future” is getting handed a piece of paper, probably a 1+ years late, that I can’t even be proud of because my GPA is so pathetic that it might as well be toilet paper. I tried to talk to student counseling, but it didn’t help.

Suffice to say it all seems pretty meaningless to me now, but since I gave up all my hobbies and most of my friends for studying (and my boyfriend dumped me) I don’t have anything much in life that I care about. I’m not really sad, just bored and apathetic. I do feel bad about being weak and inferior, but it’s not like I can change that so I guess I’ll learn to live with it.

I don’t think you are any of the bad names you are calling yourself: lazy, weak, stupid, whatever. Your letter shows me that you are insightful and intelligent. You do sound like you may be depressed. You also sound like someone who has things to be depressed about. That list of problems from first year would sink anyone. Your “cure” for first year (taking on a double load during the first semester of second) was guaranteed to make things worse. My goodness! Where was your advisor?!

It isn’t fair to yourself to measure yourself as inadequate for not being able to handle college when you haven’t yet had a normal semester with just a normal amount of student stress. My guess is that you haven’t fully recovered from some of the issues from first year. Further, there is no mention in your letter about what you are studying for. If you don’t have a goal that excites you, of course it’s hard to want to do the courses.

I’m sorry student counseling wasn’t useful. That’s the first place I usually send someone like you. Most schools do have some kind of mental health services and most are very good. Perhaps you simply didn’t connect well with the person you saw there. I encourage you to try again. School counseling services have lots of experience with problems like yours and are usually helpful. Talk about why you are in college and whether you are ready to take it on. If not, think about doing a gap year program as a way to get some experience and to take time out for self-reflection. You might find this article helpful: “Are You Ready for College? Alternatives for the Unsure.”

You are only 18. You have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do and what will help you get there. There is nothing sacred about being in college straight out of high school or of taking some extra time to do it in a way that truly makes a foundation for your future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

—————————————————————————

0 comment

Alcoholic Mother, Enabler Father, Newly Married and Trying

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 25th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Long story short: My mother is a severe substance abuser (alcohol and pills) with depression and anxiety. She self harms, and mixes alcohol and pills. She is emotionally abusive by getting strung out and then doing the “woe is me, I am a bad mother” thing while i am picking her up off the floor. My father enables her by only blaming others and believing she is okay when she is not- even telling mental health professionals that they are wrong and she is fine.
I was married in February and has a baby in September and through the help of friends, family and my therapist tried to be supportive but also set boundaries about her substance abuse and my children (also have 2 older stepkids). I told her that she did not have to be sober but had to be making positive strides toward a healthier her- therapy, AA, *not hiding her alcohol*, being honest. I have expressed that all i want is a safe environment for my kids and that I want her to get better for her. Nothing has worked- she hides alcohol, wont go to AA or therapist, in and out of rehab, cuts her wrists and attempts suicide.
About 2 months ago, i tried to invite her and my father to come see the baby. That same week she went into a psych facility for depression and then cut her wrists and then omitted to tell me. So i canceled the invite. This was responded with increasingly nasty remarks and more “woe is me”.
So I made it clear that i needed a break and stopped talking to them. I feel awful about it. My parents are both well intentioned, but cant seem to stop being so toxic- to themselves or others. Especially with a new baby in the picture, I am torn between helping them (which all my support has gone unnoticed or criticized by them, and has only hurt my relationship with my husband) and having them a part of my life, but knowing that they are harmful- emotionally and physically.
I know this is the right choice for the health of my children and marriage, but I can’t stop beating myself up. I feel so guilty and I feel like i lost my family. I don’t know what to do.

I think you do know exactly what to do and are doing it — it is just very difficult. The feelings of guilt you are having are right on target. You are breaking the good ol’ family tradition of denial by setting boundaries and seeing things clearly.

If you haven’t made the connection, the kind of support you need will come from Al-Anon. In it you will find support for making this stance, and support is what you will need. You can’t use your mother and father as supports nor seek their approval. The natural consequence from this is to feel guilty for breaking with the family secret. But feeling guilty is much better than the systematic resentment you will feel for them if you don’t. Remember the Al-Anon saying: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it.”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comment

Want to List Everything I Think Is Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 25th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So this is my first time ever doing this, I never really told anyone about my issues or what I’m going through, I thought this might be a good little step for me so first I’ll tell you what I think is wrong with me.

So I’m 19 years old and a female I have had for a while thought something might be wrong with me, I was scared of telling someone about it cause I don’t want them to think I wanted attention, so the problem is is that I have had really bad thoughts of wanting to kill and hurt animals and people including my self, I get this happy feeling in me of seeing blood or bruises on me or on other people I don’t know why I just do.
I also believe I have anger issues I only get really angry if someone or something hit me where I don’t expect it and when it does I instantly snapp I yell at the closes person next to me or if they accidently hit me I will grab them hard Leaving a mark or a bruise on them and make threats to them and when I realized what they did to me was an accident and I hurt them I quickly apologize and leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom and start hating myself and wishing I was dead I have also started hurting my self cuting but I stop that.
I also don’t really care what happens to me if I was to get hit by a car or get killed I wouldn’t care but if its someone else I would care. I also get jealous and envy if someone gets raped and abused badly ( which is the most horrible thing anyone who have went through it) but I wanted to be hurt badly when I hear a person being beaten and raped on the news I would say to myself
“ why can’t that happens to me, why do they get to experience that and I don’t “
So that’s what Iv been going through and I thought i might tell you about my childhood which might give you an idea or something of why I’m like this, so me and my dad we don’t get along we never did to me my dad is like a ticking time bomb you never know when he’ll get piss off and start yelling and when he does he yells at me and my mum and complain about me to my mum and then starts calling her and me names and throw stuff and hit me and throw me on the ground and then I get told to go in the room with My little siblings and I instantly get guilty that she had to go through that when it should have been me who caused it which I didn’t all I did was talked to him keep in mind at that time I was only 5 and during the whole entire time growing up I don’t remember him ever really being in my life only sometimes he would but whenever he was there with us he would always make everyone upset and depressed my whole life iv grown up hating him and wishing he was dead and when I hear other kids saying how close they are to there dads I instantly think it’s the grossist thing and while growing up I came to dislike men not only because of my dad but because of boys who were older than me I would say one was a year older than me and two boys who were maybe close to there teens would always kiss me and touch me I don’t really remember much all I know was that I was only a kid and I don’t know what they were doing was sexual stuff ever since then I can remember iv started being really into sex I always have thoughts of it always touching myself ( still a kid) and now close to my 20s I never been with anyone but still touch myself.

OK so I hope all that means something I hope it makes sense sorry if it doesn’t I just really wants someone to hear me out so if you do read this I want to say thank you for your time.

Thank you for providing a great deal of information. It helps me to understand your issues.

The key to understanding why you feel the way you do may stem from your childhood. It was rough, to say the least. Parents are supposed to love and care for their children and act as role models. They’re not supposed to hurt them or let them be harmed by others. The very people who were supposed to be caring for you, either hurt you or allowed you to be hurt. Your father was erratic, angry and unpredictable. He hurt you. You described him as being “ticking time bomb.” You didn’t know to expect from him. People who are raised in these situations describe the experience as having to walk on eggshells. It’s a very disconcerting feeling to live with a “ticking time bomb.” It’s not easy or a pleasurable way to live. It can make you feel uneasy, on edge, unstable, insecure, and unsafe.

You didn’t mention if you still live with your parents, but if so that could explain why you are feeling the way you do. Even if you are not living with them, it could still explain the way you feel. It’s not uncommon for people who have been abused to express the desire to hurt themselves or others. The fantasy of harming others may give you the feeling of being more in control. If you’ve been dominated your whole life, and made to feel small and powerless, it would make sense that you would fantasize about becoming the all-powerful one in control.

Your father was the all-powerful one in your home. You had no control over your situation. He hurt you and there is nothing you could do about it. Of course, you could’ve called emergency services, but you may not have known that because you were only a young child. Even if you would’ve called for help, there’s no guarantee that you would not have been punished by your father for having made the call. Therefore, your fantasies of harming other people may be a form of psychological compensation for your having been in a position of powerlessness.

As for wanting to harm yourself, that may also stem from you having been abused. Sometimes, when a parent abuses a child, the child begins to believe that they are being abused because they deserve it, and that they are unworthy of love, caring and positivity. They start to internalize the abuse, blame themselves and think that they are no good and that they deserve pain and suffering. Such ideas significantly impact one’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. An individual in this circumstance may begin to believe that they’re no good, and treat themselves in accordance with their perceived low self-worth. That might be why you treat yourself poorly and want to hurt yourself. You may think that you are unworthy, unlovable and deserving of abuse and negativity. These are the unfortunate effects of abuse.

Thankfully, these problems can be corrected with counseling. I would highly recommend it. It would help you to better understand your feelings and also to correct the inconsistencies or irrational ideas you may hold regarding yourself and others. Through no fault of your own, you may have developed a sense of identity that is inconsistent with the truth which is that you deserve to be happy, have positive things happen in your life and to be loved and cared for by others.

The great thing about therapy is that it does work, especially when you choose a therapist who has experience and who has helped others in similar situations. Contact your family doctor and ask for a referral. I always recommend calling at least 5 to 10 therapists and speaking with them on the phone. Choose the one you feel the most comfortable with and meet with them in person. That will likely be the best match for you.

If you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, go to the hospital or call the mental health crisis team. They can assist you in ensuring that you don’t do something that you may later regret. Help is available, you just have to ask for it. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment

Jealousy and Trust Issues

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 24th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, my partner and me have been together for about a year now and everything is going well however, my partner does not seem to trust me. I have not cheated on him or anything like that but he has it in his head that I will cheat on him. I love him with all my heart and I would never even think of doing something like that.

I am a university student and like all students, I have both male and female friends. Whenever I am with any of my male friends he gets jealous and moody even if I am with a group of them. I have cut down on the amount I talk to any of my friends but he still has it in his head that I will cheat on him. I don’t know how to convince him that I love him and only him and I will not cheat on him.

He knows everything about my ex and my partners and I know about his ex’s. He thinks I lie to him about things and I don’t, I just get annoyed and don’t answer him or get angry at him as I don’t know what to say to make him believe I am not going anywhere. If I ask him he always says he trusts me but his actions show differently, and it really upsets me when he does. It’s not often he does this but when he does it’s heart breaking for me and it stresses me out a lot. Please could someone help me and advise me on what’s best for me to do.

Your boyfriend’s jealousy is his to manage and deal with. You’re not going to convince him. My experience in this area and research on it shows that even if you alter yourself in some way to appease him — he’ll just continue to condemn you. This is because the distortion is his to fix not yours. I would do three things.

First, I would start talking about your own feelings when he accuses you. Rather then explain and defend yourself begin talking about how hurtful it is not to feel trusted. Let him know he’s not the only one in the relationship that gets to have feelings.

Secondly, be very clear that his behavior directly causes your reaction. In other words, point out that the thing that makes the relationship difficult is his mistrust, blame, and criticism of you.

If you do go to couples counseling I would be very clear with the therapist that your boyfriend’s jealousy is destroying the relationship.

I would not wait to begin dealing with this. Men with these kind of control issues and jealousy tend not to improve on their own. They keep finding reasons and rationale to blame, condemn and mistrust, and they try to micromanage and over-control their girlfriends and wives.

Make an appointment with a couples counselor but make it clear and he needs to be doing his own work on this. If it doesn’t improve in a few months, you may want to consider moving on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comment

Can’t Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 23rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m 19, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I almost always avoid social situations, or any situation where I feel like I won’t have a way to leave if I start feeling overwhelmed. I don’t feel comfortable being around more than one person at a time, whether it is close family or a friend since childhood. I have carried my backpack almost everywhere with me for about 6 months. I keep my laptop, chargers, random stuff that I wouldn’t want to lose. I have worn the same beanie since I was about 16. I can’t leave home without it on. It makes me feel more hidden from everyone. I can’t bring myself to see a psychiatrist.. I want to know what might be wrong with me. I have been searching what seems like forever for an answer, how to be myself again. I care about everyone a lot, I’m not able to show it/tell them though. I can’t talk to anyone about what’s troubling me. Last time I tried talking to a close friend, we were never as close again. I haven’t heard from her in months. Im constantly thinking about the past. After I hang out with a friend, I’m thinking of all the things I could have done wrong, or said that sounded odd. I hear voices of friends occasionally. Sometimes I think I hear them quoting everything I am doing in a sarcastic voice. I don’t talk to them. Most of the time I can tell if I am mistaking a sound for someone talking. No matter where I am, even in my own room, I feel like people are watching me or have set up a camera to record what I’m doing. I haven’t taken a picture of myself in years because I’m afraid that someone is getting copies of everything I do (pictures, internet browsing, text messages, etc). Usually when I go somewhere new, I look around for video cameras set up or people watching what I am doing. I am almost always listing off all of the possible negative things people could be thinking/saying about me. Whenever someone laughs, I automatically think that they are laughing at my awkward walk. I’m currently prescribed Amphetamine Salts (Adderall IR) 30mg 3x daily. I have been taking anywhere from 2-5 a day though. I can barely get out of bed in the morning until I take one. I think I am just putting everything into my head, and convincing myself that something is wrong with me. Even if I am, it is definitely taking it’s toll on my life. Im pretty sure, if anything, I have something similar to Social Anxiety.. I was abused from newborn, up until 16. Then my mom divorced my dad because he wouldn’t stop the mental/physical abuse. The fact that it was my fault has stuck with me to this day. I also went through one of the worst tornadoes in history May 22nd, 2011. Since then, I’ve lived in a FEMA trailer park. I’ve started smoking up to a pack a day. I’ve never done anything like this before, so I’m sorry if it was too long, too much personal information, or anything like that. It’s 4 in the morning, work in 5 hours. Any advice would help so much.

Without interviewing you in person, it is difficult to know precisely what may be wrong. There are two main possibilities. The first is that you have social anxiety. The second possibility is that you have schizotypal personality disorder. Individuals with schizotypal personality disorder characteristically have a great deal of social anxiety, tend to be loners, misinterpret situations, experience paranoia and have paranormal or peculiar beliefs.

A complicating factor in your situation is that you have been displaced from your home. Not being able to live in your home may be contributing to your anxiety problems.

You also mentioned that you have a history of abuse. That further complicates the situation and it may also be contributing to your current psychological symptoms. You blamed yourself but it is important to know that you are not to blame. The adults are to blame; you were an innocent victim.

In your letter, you stated that you have been prescribed medication. That means that you have likely been evaluated by either a mental health or medical professional. I would encourage you to speak to that person about the symptoms you have described in your letter.

The fact that you’re taking a medication that is not working is also important information that the prescribing physician needs to know. Ideally, you should be evaluated by a mental health professional and referred to a psychiatrist for psychiatric medication, if necessary. My main suggestion is that you need to contact the proper mental health professionals so they can properly assist you with your psychological problems. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment

Childhood Trauma? (I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me)

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 22nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My parents are divorced. I moved to this country. My brother moved back to England to be with my dad. My mum and step-dad were alcoholics and my step-brothers were mean. I think I might have abandonment PTSD, but I have no abandonment issues. I was technically abused but it was neglect mostly and doesn’t feel worthy of being called abuse. My mother is kind of a child, I’ve spent most of my life since I was 10 or 13 looking after her, especially after her second divorce. In which I sometimes had to put her to bed. I was often a mediator between her and my stepfather. The pair cried to me rather often. When they divorced, my step dad told me he’d still be here for me if I needed him, but I recently tried to reconnect with him to no avail. I understand that “I’m here for you” is never a sentence for the recipient but rather the speaker, to make them feel good. I understand that people are self-centered and small-minded. I had a history of instigating chaos by constantly breaking the law, trespassing, stealing, vandalism. I’m well behaved now, but I still have memories and old pains of my youth. All of the times people said they’d be there for me. My attempted suicide. My mother’s attempted suicide. The time when I was dragged up the stairs by my hair. The rumors in middle school that lead to people fearing me for no reason, and the times that I let the rumors change me, and I hurt people. The boyfriend who gunned me down with a bb gun, almost blinding me, and on a separate occasion (after breaking up) the time that he threw a chair at me. My best friend who left me because I’m “childish, spend too much time with my boyfriend, and disrespect my mother”. My mother who actually assaulted my boyfriend once. Man, she would get so out of her face sometimes that she… A couple of times back at my stepdads, she would barge into my room (she did that a lot) and throw suitcases on the floor, demanding that I pack so that we’d leave, but I, a 13-year-old, knew better than to get in the car with a drunk. On many occasions, I barricaded myself in my room, hid in my closet, or on the roof. I sometimes went without food because my step brothers ate everything. I had my own secret pantry of snacks and I was still underweight. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out all the information I think could use some help.

It is time to become more self-sufficient by getting a job and planning on moving out. At 20 years old you need to have some plans and a direction for your life that doesn’t involve your highly dysfunctional family. I would also highly recommend some therapy as you sort through your options and pull these plans together.

It might take you a while — even a year or so — but you need to have a plan to become more independent.

0 comment

Nightmare, Memory, Confusion of Being Sexually Abused

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 21st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I was 14-17, I lived with a physically and verbally abusive step-father who constantly insinuated that I was gay. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself then. I remember a particular night, waking and feeling barely aware, as if I’d been drugged, and unable to move. I actually don’t know if this is, in fact, a memory or if it was a nightmare, but it was very realistic. I was in my room, in my bed, and every detail about the room is there. I distinctly remember seeing the hallway light and this man my mother was married to standing at the door. He comes into the room and forces oral sex on me. All I remember is gasping for air and being unable to move my arms. To this day, 18 years later, I’m not sure if this experience was just an awful nightmare or if it is a memory. During this time, I also began suffering from sleep apnea and have had trouble sleeping since then. My life has generally been stressful since those years for various reasons. For example, I learned last year that I have seizures in my sleep (in addition to the daytime ones that began 10 years ago). I’ve done pretty good at not letting myself feel like a victim, especially since I have confusion regarding the past. But I have always wondered if I was drugged and raped as a minor. And if this is why my life has been stressful, why I seem to lack self-confidence, why I developed epilepsy and sleep issues. I don’t know how to feel about it. Should I try to unlock any buried memories? Should I just shrug and bury the whole thing, move forward and all that? Will any of this help me better address the stresses I have? How important is it to resolve this? I am being treated for both the apnea and the epilepsy.

It would be very uncommon, for an issue of the type that you have described, to cause sleep apnea and epilepsy. However, sleep problems are often accompanied by altered dream states. For instance, vivid dreams, feelings of paralysis, nightmares and what some would call lucid dreaming, are often the result of sleep disorders.

Were you sexually abused when you were 14 to 17 years old? There is no way to know. One can only speculate. Even hypnosis could not be trusted to provide certainty. False memories are associated with the hypnotic process. Even if your stepfather were to confess to the occurrence of this abuse, we could not be sure that he was telling the truth. Perhaps he would lie just to hurt you or to falsely take responsibility for your suffering and thus show him to be the powerful victor. It would be very difficult and perhaps impossible to know if the sexual abuse actually occurred or was only a vivid dream.

Finding the answer that you seek, would do nothing to help with your current problems. It would not help the sleep apnea, the epilepsy, the lack of self-confidence or your level of stress. Whether or not sexual abuse actually occurred is of no relevance to your treatment. Therapy will help you, just as significantly, in either case. I would expect your circumstances to make you a nearly ideal candidate for successful treatment and impressive results.

I hope you will consider my suggestions but, in any case, I wish you the very best. Thanks for writing and feel free to write again.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment

Should I Tell My Therapist?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 18th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I had a highly traumatic childhood of emotional abuse, smothering, and neglect at the hands of a substance-abusing parent. I was also molested through my diaper by older children as a toddler. I believe these led to the development of my severe, chronic dissociate disorder and OCD. I say all this for context, not as an excuse. As a kid, I had horrible violent and sexually deviant intrusive thoughts as well as PGAD in conjunction with them. I hated them and wanted nothing to do with them and tried to suppress them, but was convinced I was evil. Therapy has helped me realize they weren’t my fault back then. However, as a teen, I decided those thoughts were inevitable and began to let awful scenarios play out in my head instead of rejecting them and masturbated to some of them. I found online communities of people who shared these thoughts but considered them harmless “kinks” when explored only through fiction. I never intended to act on any of them and considered them divorced from my true opinions, but now I see they were still affecting me and I want nothing to do with them. I don’t believe an immoral fantasy can be harmless anymore. I became hyper-sexual and a chronic masturbator. My twin cousins who are 7 years younger than me slept in my room when they visited my house. I was around 15-17. When I knew they had fallen asleep, I silently masturbated. It happened a couple times. I think they were asleep and I don’t think they knew, but it haunts me everyday and the remorse and self-disgust I feel is indescribable. It had nothing to do with their presence, I just wanted to orgasm, but it was SO irresponsible of me no matter how careful I was. In the only other instance of this, I once compulsively touched myself through my pants in an upstairs room of their house, only for a sec, planning to stop before anyone entered. One of them walked in unexpectedly and I was mortified, but pretended I just had an itch, apologized, and went to wash my hands. I don’t know if I can tell my therapist, but it’s eating me alive. I don’t know if these instances count legally as indecency to a minor. If so, I’m ready to turn myself in. I want to kill myself.

You grew up in an unstable and abusive household. The people who were supposed to protect you, hurt you. The failed you when you were at your most vulnerable. Children are helpless and must rely on their parents to protect them, but not all parents are capable, good or caring. Some were raised by bad parents and some of these will go on to mimic what was done to them. A small minority of parents deliberately hurt their children. Intentional or not, the effects of poor parenting can be lasting. But thankfully, they are correctable.

As an adult, it is your responsibility to correct the damage inflicted by your parents and this is best achieved with counseling. Many people are in therapy because of bad parenting.

It is good that you have already made progress in therapy. The next step is to tackle this issue. Your biggest challenge, however, might be your mindset of shame. It is important to realize that you are not a criminal. Your counselor will not judge you or turn you into the authorities. You have done nothing illegal.

It took courage to write this letter and it will take courage to address your sexuality in counseling but it is the essential next step. It might also help if you read about child abuse and neglect. You’ll learn about its effects on children and more importantly about the ability to heal. With good counseling and a willingness to address painful topics, your prognosis is positive.

You might also discuss, with your therapist, the possibility of consulting a sex therapist. Sexuality is a complicated and poorly understood topic and you could benefit from a specialist in this field. You and your therapist should discuss the best approach for you.

You have already experienced progress in counseling. It is proof that counseling works. It can work for this issue too. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment

How Do I Handle an Advance from a Teen Relative?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 18th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: I am a wife and a mother and I had a very unfortunate and sensitive situation happen to me on recent family vacation. We were all drinking and in a hot tub and the teenager (16) was with us also. He is our cousin and very close family.

He was sitting next to me in the hot tub and while we were all chatting, I suddenly felt his hand on my side slowly creeping up towards my breast. I pushed it away but then he put his hand around my waist to my hip/butt area, squeezed a few times and kept his hand there. I pushed it away both times but did not react as I was terrified of family seeing this. He acted and still acts as if nothing happened but I don’t think I can let this go. I feel that I should have talked to him privately the next day but I was afraid of his reaction.

Now it’s been a month and I really feel like I should address this with him and show him what consent means. I want to strictly keep it between us because if family would find out, all hell would break loose.
Do you think that I can do that? Is this a good idea? I can’t just leave it like this, this boy will get himself in trouble if he does this to someone else. There’s also an issue with him being underage.
How do you think I should handle this situation? It’s bothering me. Why would he do this?

It’s unfortunate you didn’t address it at the time. But it’s never too late to deal with a situation like this. I think you are correct to arrange to talk to him — for all the reasons you stated. He needs to understand about consent. He needs to understand that your lack of reaction doesn’t mean that you were giving consent. He needs to understand that being underage doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his choices.

I am concerned that you were afraid of his reaction. I hope you can tell your husband what happened and can ask for his support. Ask him to accompany you in confronting the boy. The boy needs to know that men don’t think this behavior is acceptable either. Alternatively, you can ask your husband to be in the next room and “on call” if things get out of hand.

If there are others in the family who are vulnerable (like young cousins, for example), then it’s important to do what you can to protect them. That may mean telling the boy’s parents about what happened even though “all hell would break loose”. The safety of younger children is more important than keeping the boy’s approach a secret. If you are certain that he is limiting this behavior to you, then you can let him know that you are willing to deal with this privately for now. But make sure he understands that if you hear of him ever doing something like that to anyone else in the family or to anyone who is underage, you will immediately tell his parents.

This is a tough situation, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. But it’s our job as the grown up to give kids a clear message about right and wrong. You know that. That’s why the whole thing is bothering you. As difficult as confronting the boy will be, I think it will be harder for you to keep such a troubling secret.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comment

Is It Possible to Have Selective Empathy?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 18th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in the U.S.: I had a pretty traumatic upbringing, and dealt with a lot of narcissistic and antisocial personalities. I have literally seen what evil looks like. But I’ve also known some amazingly kind people and when I love someone, I think the world of them. I would never do anything to hurt them.

I’m extremely sensitive and have lots of empathy for good people. Bad people on the other hand, I harbor extremely evil feelings for. I will literally wish death on someone if I hate them and feel no remorse, I won’t even look at them as a human. But around good people, I’m a completely different person and would never in a million years have those thoughts about them!

But if I were to ever see someone bad from my past, I would lash out at them in a way that would frighten people! I’m literally afraid to be around a bad person for fear of my reaction to them. I don’t want to get in trouble and I feel really guilty for exposing innocent people to that monsterous side of me. I don’t want to scare them or make them think differently of me. I almost have to strategically limit my social interactions with only certain people who I view as being good and harmless. My question is, is it possible to only have select empathy and genuine love for certain people, while completely demonizing others? Thanks in advance

Not only is it possible, it’s probably more common than you know. People who have a traumatic history often categorize people as either “good” or “bad”. Early experience has taught them to be on guard for “bad” people and to be overly reliant on “good” ones. The problem with that childhood conclusion is that people don’t generally fit neatly into one category or the other. Some very bad people do good things or have good parts. Some very good people disappoint others by doing “bad” or clumsy things.

Black and white thinking about others can lead to unstable relationships. People deemed as “good” are put on a pedestal. But if they disappoint in any way, they are immediately pushed into the “bad” column.

One of the most difficult challenges for adults who have had a traumatic childhood is to start thinking about others in more complex ways. Really good friends can inadvertently hurt us. People we don’t like very much can surprise us by doing something helpful. The challenge is in learning skills to make good judgments about others while still allowing for their humanity. Since people come from all points of the spectrum from good to bad, it’s essential to have those skills in order to make solid relationships and to do well at work and in the social world.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been shown to be very helpful for learning those skills. Although originally developed for people with borderline personality disorder, it is also often used to help people with a trauma history. I urge you to look for a therapist who is trained in DBT to help you be less extreme in your thinking about others and, even more important, to help you be all you can be in a world where people are often unpredictable.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

0 comment

Bad Relationship, Problematic Life

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 16th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

my father past away in 2007 which was about 5 years ago. I have never really mourned properly over his death and i know i seek father like attention in my partner who is 39 (alot older than me), i am 18. He has a problem with addiction and will never stop playing computer or masturbating. His behaviour drained my positivity and listening skills from me in the last 2 years we have been together. i dont blame him but he lives with me and has no job so i cant get him to leave as he has no money. i dont knwo if staying with him is a good idea as he is not a good influence in my life. i take drugs ALOT and i cant stop, im always thinking about getting on. My mother is in a wheel chair and suffers from a nerve probem in her legs known as Charcot Marie Tooth which i also inherrited genetically. Since my fathers passing i feel as if i have no emotion for anything, always emotionally drained and my partner annoys me so much whenever he is upset. i hurt my pets and smile at it. i masturbate and have sex compusivly when i start an dit will go on for 5 – 30 days. i secretly hate all my friends and i have sex with other men for money even tho i am in a relationship. That is also a complusion for me. My partner does not know about it. I just feel like i want to hurt people all the time in an emotional way and sometimes i cry for random reasons or over very small things. i HATE being ignored by anyone or anything. i like watching people suffer, i get off on it, BUT i appear as a positive person except for lately. i have been saying some quite negative things which my partner has picked out but he has his own problems so i dont really take any advice from him. I just feel like i dont care about people and their feelings. i am extremely selfish in some ways but in other ways i will give all my money away to my friends and shout things for them all the time. i just want to know if there is something wrong with me. im tired of feeling this way an di can feel myself drowning in a pit of negativity and sorrow. i hate who i am becoming but i cant stop what im doing. ive tried and when i do, i always think of some reaosn why i NEED to do it or GO BACK so i continue. please help …

You have named a number of areas in your life that make you unhappy. One potential problem area is your relationship with your boyfriend. He has a problem with addiction related to excessive time on the computer. You also stated that he does not have a job. The reason he does not have a job may be related to his addiction.

Other issues that you mentioned include the fact the you feel as though you have an addiction to chronic masturbation. Another potential problem is that you are having sex with men for money. You also described being emotionally unstable, grieving the loss of your father, you may be experiencing stress associated with your mother being in a wheelchair, and you “enjoy” hurting others and animals. Those are all signs of instability.

It is possible that the recent loss of your father is the cause of or has exacerbated your problems. You could greatly benefit from outside intervention. My recommendation is to see a therapist.

Don’t ignore your problems. Much of what you have described is abnormal and it is hurting you and potentially others. I’m not certain how the mental health system works in your country but it would be advisable see a mental health specialist as soon as possible. It is especially important to do so soon, since you feel as though you cannot control your behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment

My Boyfriend Can’t Get Over My Past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 16th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I have a boyfriend of about a year and he makes me super happy and we talk comfortably and laugh so easily together. We agree on everything and I can completely be myself around him. I’ve never felt this with anyone in my entire life.

However, my boyfriend can’t ever take his focus off of my past. I’ve had one boyfriend who I lost my virginity to and another guy I drunkenly hooked up with a few times. My boyfriend lost his virginity to me and we had a great first 6 months. Then, he cheated on me to “get back at me” for having a past.

After that, it’s been downhill. He always wanted to know every detail about everything. I’m talking sex positions, the amount of times me and my ex had sex, the amount of seconds anything lasted. Literally things that even I can’t remember! It got to the point where my boyfriend texted these two guys and questioned them. If the answers didn’t match up, he’d blame me. He has called me worthless and a slut and a whore too many times to count because of my “past”. A month ago he cheated on me again because I “deserved it”. I do admit to making some white lies up because I was scared of his reaction.

I just didn’t know this is how relationships worked. In my first relationship, I lost my virginity to the guy, and he had already lost his. But I didn’t question him and I didn’t text his past partners to try and get out information from them. I respected my ex’s past, even though he didn’t treat me well (he forced me to do sexual things with him) which my current boyfriend knows about. Yet that doesn’t stop him from calling me names. My boyfriend has an ex who he’s only kissed. He had experience but not much sexually so I feel like he’s just extremely insecure even though he has no reason to be. I realized the other day I did more with that guy I hooked up with then I thought so I told my boyfriend right away because he always make me feel guilty about keeping secrets. I just don’t see why all the details matter anyways. Is this normal?? The only thing we fight about is my past but that’s not fair to me. Is it?

No, this isn’t normal or fair or loving or okay. At 18, you hardly have a “past”. You’ve had some experiences while you figured out what you want and need in a relationship. And, BTW, you didn’t “lose” your virginity in consensual sex. No one does. You made a decision to have sex based on your thoughts and feelings at the time. That is nothing to be ashamed of. And the details are none of your boyfriend’s business.

I have to disagree with your opening paragraph. You and this guy don’t agree on everything and you can’t be completely yourself. You feel you have to apologize for your own history and he controls you with accusations, cheating, and guilt trips. My take on it is that he is too insecure to make a decent relationship with you — or anyone for that matter. Tell him to take the time he needs to grow up. Make yourself available for someone who gets it that what matters in a relationship is who you are now, not what you’ve been through and choices you made (even the poor ones) when you were a young teen.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comment

I Have Frequent Violent & Sadistic Thoughts Toward Living Things

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 14th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I look at weaker, living things, I like to imagine how it’d feel to crush it in my hands, or how pleasurable it’d feel if I wrapped my hands around their necks. I desire to see their fear and pain; their eyes widening in terror, just to earn the euphoric feelings that come afterwards. I don’t like horror movies, but I find fictional gore/murderous/twisted/demented drawings and stories very appealing. I have had backgrounds of being emotionally harmed for 8 years in elementary. My negative parental influence includes the same, plus their in-accountability to be together, however, I perceive myself to be a rational person. They do love me and have gotten better over the years, but not with each other. I used to abuse the animals around me when I was around the ages of 8-13, pulling their fur/feathers off, tying them up, forcing them into small spaces, ect. Going into religion soothed me, but, around my third year of high school, I stopped trying to associate with my peers. In my mind, they are no different from all of my elementary classmates, and I’ve given up on them. A “friend” means someone who’s willing to sacrifice something for me, and me in turn; the rest that I associate can only be characterized by me as, ‘tolerable’ or ‘interesting’. I no longer trust anyone, and can’t seem to touch anyone without wanting to push them off or feel disgusted. I only love my family. I’m mostly silent and prefer not to look at anyone’s eyes unless they’re talking to me. They seem insignificant. I detest crowds and a few triggers are small things, like the sound of people’s breathing. I hate being looked at and have a severe inferiority complex. I try to seem shy and act helpful/polite, but it’s forced. My issues with this mindset is that it scares my parents as well as part of myself, but, a larger part of me enjoys it. Most of my art has become grotesque over the years. How do I stop myself from holding this ball of raging hatred/pain without directing it at those around me? Am I in risk of turning into a criminal, or is this some kind of mild disorder?

It’s not clear why you engage in this type of thinking and behavior. At the root of the issue might be your inferiority complex. People who feel inferior to others see themselves as incompetent, unworthy and weak. They lack a sense of power and control. You may be compensating for those unpleasant feelings by targeting animals in an attempt to gain a feeling of power and control. There may be other motivations as well.

You asked whether you are at risk of becoming a criminal. Hurting animals is a criminal act. In fact, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has recently classified animal cruelty as a felony offense, and considers it a “crime against humanity.”

Studies have also shown that cruelty to animals can lead to cruelty to human victims. A person might begin or practice with animals and then progress to people.

It’s good that you are aware of your problem and concerned enough to write. The fact that you have shared this information with your parents is also a positive sign. It shows that you had the insight to recognize that a problem exists and you want help. Your openness to treatment and motivation, significantly increases your chances of successfully correcting this problem.

Therapy is the ideal place to learn how to manage your strong emotions. Your therapist will teach you how to regulate your emotions and behavior. Counseling can be quite powerful especially if you are open to the process. I would recommend that you go to your parents and ask for their assistance in finding a therapist. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

0 comment

Why Am I Angry?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 13th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I get short, testy and sometimes even angry when I get questioned by my girlfriend. I honestly think I’m never wrong (although I know I am sometimes). She is just trying to understand and I take it as a challenge. I don’t want to be this way any more! I need to understand why. I wish I could be easy going and let things slide off my back. It has happened with others. She just happens to be the most frequent. I am a very anal, organized, tidy person. I am also a perfectionist. Please help me understand!

It’s good that you recognize this as a problem. Acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step to making a positive change. It also means that you’re open to change. You have set the stage for a positive outcome.

You have described a very correctable set of problems. You’re short-tempered and impatient. You take out your anger on your girlfriend and perhaps others. Your behavior makes being in your presence unpleasant and undesirable. It could cost you your relationship with your girlfriend. It’s a problem that needs to be corrected.

Anger is a perfectly normal human emotion but it has become out of control for you. Reacting inappropriately with anger and being impatient ultimately stem from an inability to see reality clearly. Picture this scenario: you are driving to work and end up in a traffic jam. You are running late and can’t get there because you’re stuck. It’s infuriating. Your anger reaction is caused by the unrealistic expectation of there being no traffic. While that might be your expectation, it’s not the reality. The reality, at that moment, is a traffic jam. There is nothing you can do to change it. Sitting in traffic is agitating but anger does nothing to change or improve the situation. It’s an inappropriate reaction. What’s the more appropriate reaction? Accept the reality, see it for what it is and adjust your mindset accordingly.

There are several ways to address this problem. The most effective method of treatment would be to see a therapist who specializes in anger management. Therapy will likely focus on the development of new coping skills and new ways of thinking about life situations.

Also consider taking an anger management class. A well-designed anger management program can be immensely effective. You can learn how to properly express your anger in a healthy, constructive manner. You’ll learn that while you can’t control your feelings you can control how you react to them.

A self-help approach involves educating yourself about anger. This would include reading anger management books and workbooks. You may want start with a book designed specifically for men with anger problems called Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

0 comment

An Abusive Boyfriend?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 13th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me if I need to turn in me or my ex to authorities. First, my ex was not very kind to me when I was with him. I told him I had a severe form of Non-Verbal Learning Disability when I got diagnosed and that the reason I am somewhat okay socially is because my parents always over encouraged me to be social and one of my friends taught me how to talk to people “normally”(and I’d go to my parents with any social questions). He would tell me I seemed fine and I would tell him that part of it was my generalized anxiety making me stay more quiet and overthink and overthink until I figured out non-awkward or offensive things to say (esp. in a text). When I would bring this up, he would basically tell me to try harder because when we first dated (and I was on Abilify, an antipsychotic that actually can help autistics), I didn’t act so different. Also during the relationship, he told me that he laughed during gore scenes in movies and had obsessive urges to harm people, but drowned it out with stories he told himself and video games. Now that we are broken up and he treats the relationship as if it were my fault for it ending and makes me do all the work to get him to talk to me, we have parted ways completely, and too often I have urges to harm him, mainly to show him the pain he caused me and my cause other, and also because he is entering the military with confidential computer data access which scares me. I’m angry with myself for becoming like him, but he called me out of my mind once, and I had a psychiatrist that tried to convince me I was with practically no evidence. Granted I was histrionic in the relationship and easily anxious that he’d break up with me when we had a really intense text fight involving all caps. He also accused me more than once of cheating when I never once cheated. Never agreed to call me as my therapist suggested us do for my NVLD. Told me it was my fault I struggled so badly to pay attention to my teacher because she never stayed on one topic. He wasn’t nice.

The most important thing now is for you to take care of yourself. The military has extensive evaluations and training that your boyfriend will have to go through — if he needs help they will be the ones to figure that out and help — not you. The work for you is to find an individual therapist to work through your own issues of anger toward him — learn what drew you to him, made you stay with him, and make the proper adjustments for yourself in moving forward with relationships. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone qualified to help near where you live.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comment
Newer Posts
Older Posts

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More