Category:

Abuse

My dad abuses me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 19th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been getting hit by my dad for as long as I can remember. It has been a really long time. He really ruins my life. I am so scared to be in my own house. He abuses me physically and mentally. He punches with full force, he gives me bruises, marks that last until the next day, he hits me with the belt, and today he threatened to break my neck. He almost strangled me. I don’t love him at all. I have no respect for him and he means nothing to me. We don’t have a good relationship, I don’t tell him anything. Even if I don’t do anything wrong he will find a way to make it seem like I did do something wrong and yell and me and hit me. I can’t take it anymore. Last week I almost told my school, I really want to but I’m scared because I still have to deal with living with him until I am a legal adult. I have pictures of it the marks and bruises he has given me. I lock myself in the bathroom whenever I get into fights with him or he hits me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. He scares me more than anything in this world. I don’t even want him to be my dad anymore. He says he wishes I was never born, I’m stupid, I am useless, there is nothing good about me, I am a devil, he wishes he never had me, I am the worst kid out of all 3. He also says “why did god curse me with you”. He really ruins my life. If he weren’t in my life, it would be amazing. I can’t be with him anymore. He is the worst father a kid could have. Please help me.

You are very brave and did the right thing by writing us here. I am so sorry you have to deal with your father’s abuse. You do not have to put up with this. You list your age as 14 and your father should not be beating you and saying these things to you. I believe you that these things are happening and you should know that you are protected by laws in your state if you are being abused and you can contact child protective services directly for help. If you need assistance in doing this you can ask a guidance counselor at your school or a trusted teacher to help you make the call. They are obligated to follow up on helping you when there are clear signs of abuse. Show them the pictures.

Here is the hotline number for your state 800-342-3720 and the link to their website. Know that you do not have to put up with your father’s violence. Talk to someone at your school today.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

January 4, 2011 0 comment

What Happens When Therapy Isn’t An Option?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 6th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been in therapy since I was seven. Starting with bipolar, anxiety, insomnia and now including borderline pd, avoidant pd, and PTSD. I work very hard to provide myself with an environment that is healthy and from the outside I live the ideal life.

Unfortunately, I continue to live with a lot of demons and anger that I literally can’t express without screaming, crying, and cursing. I work excruciatingly hard to keep it inside of me because I am so afraid of what will happen when people find out what a monster I am.

My question begins here. I had been with one therapist for eight years without me ever being able to touch the topic seriously. One day, I completely lost it on them. I let everything out. I was my absolute worst, but in reality no one had ever witnessed a truer me. They told me though that that was the last time we would ever speak. I then tried to kill myself. This happened this year.

I can’t believe that even someone I was paying to help me couldn’t handle my monster. The consequence has been my hatred for psychologists, psychiatrists, and basically anything associated. I know its kind of ironic that I’m asking for your advice but I thought it would be easier because you can’t see my face. I don’t know what to do. What does an extremely troubled girl do when everyone becomes the enemy? I want to note that I have been drifting from therapist from therapist in search of a “fit” and it only makes me sadder and angrier. I’m in between a bullet and a target and that bullet is looking very good.

You may be misinterpreting what happened in the therapy session. As you stated, you were in counseling for eight years but were not sincere with your therapist. Perhaps, when you “lost it,” the therapist realized that you had been withholding important personal information and no longer believed that he or she could help you. It’s not uncommon for a therapist to refer his or her patients to other mental health professionals when they feel as though they can no longer be of assistance. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not defending the therapist. I’m suggesting that you may have misinterpreted the event. It is a realistic possibility.

It’s understandable that you would lose confidence in your therapist but your opinion about one mental health professional should not extend to all mental health professionals. Therapists do not limit their patient clientele. Most therapists are willing to work with virtually anyone, no matter what the nature of their problems. Therapists work with sex offenders, rapists, murderers, etc.

You need to recognize the fact that everyone is not the enemy. Therapists have chosen to enter a helping profession. Someone who is willing and sincere in their efforts to help you is by definition your friend and not your enemy.

It is not acceptable to believe that suicide is a solution to your problems. It is instead a sign of depression. Viewed from a purely logical perspective, the consideration of suicide doesn’t make sense. Your perception of the situation is that you have tried therapy for many years and it has not been effective. You are in essence saying “why bother? I’ve tried it and nothing works” but your perception of the situation is inaccurate. The reality is that you withheld your true self, your deeper problems, your real issues from your therapist. That’s OK, because it does take some people a long time to trust a therapist with their deepest thoughts, the most vulnerable parts of their being. You can’t blame the therapy process for the fact that you withheld parts of you, important parts, from the therapist. Don’t blame yourself either. Blame the nature of your psychological problem. In actuality, I believe you had a breakthrough when you “completely lost it on them.” I have had similar moments, sessions, with my own clients. It was an important part of their therapy and the pathway to their healing.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider therapy. By your own admission you were not sincere with the therapist. It is very difficult to effectively help a client when he or she withholds information. I understand that you may be weary of therapists but this is not necessarily a bad thing. One should be choosy about his or her therapist. You should only work with a therapist who is competent and who has a successful track record of helping individuals with similar problems. Not just any therapist will do; it has to be the right therapist.

Please understand that suicide is never the answer. If you’re considering suicide you should go to the emergency room immediately or call 911. You should also have your possession the phone number to the national suicide hotline: 800-237-8255. Please take care. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

November 29, 2010 0 comment

Might Have DID?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 5th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not sure but I think i might have Multiple Personality Disorder (DID). I was never diagnosed with it, despite being with a therapist for many years, however I don’t know what else it could possibly be.

I have many different sides, my youngest would be around 6, the age I was sexually abused, and the reason I was in therapy. She’s everything I wish I could be, she is my innocence, my purity, she’s also childlike and girly, and kind to everyone. I even created an online life where i can just be her.
My other personality’s aren’t as obvious to me as that one however. I know that my main, or ‘Host’ personality is more of a tom-boy, most of my friends are male and I like to play video games and rough-house, and make jokes, things like that, I really just want to have fun and be with my friends.
However when I’m around my family I’m completely different, without even realising it until I get in trouble over it. I’m just always very angry and on edge, I don’t hate my family, but when I’m around them I feel like I do. It’s weird to me because I can miss them and just want to do nice things but when i get close to them to try and do that I just start fights and agrue and complain and am really mean sometimes.

That’s all that I am sure about, the three most obvious different ‘me’s’. The reason I’m not sure if it’s really DID or something else is that I can remember when I’m different, at least for a shortwhile, and that I’m aware of most of it. The angry one I’m less aware of when it happens or I’d try to stop myself more. I read somewhere that not rememebring your childhood can be a symptom, and I don’t, i know what people have told me happened when I was little, and can form story like memories of how it may have happened but I dont have any memories of my own. I also have a really really bad memory have gotten in troble for it many many times in the past, but I cant help it. I have realativly normal short-term memory but my long-term memory is really bad. For example, I play a game online, where I’m mostly using the first personality I mentioned. While I have a great time and I can remember things that happened from the start of when i started playing or the day before or so, when i got asked to write down some of my memories from the game for a project a friend was doing I couldn’t remember anything. Also, if i get introuble and lose my net privaliges I get really really depressed and even suicidal, though I’ve gotten better at that or tried to at least. I’ve been dianosged with depression but I don’t take medication for it as it makes me feel like i can’t feel anything, not even happiness, and that’s on different types of med’s too not just one. The reason I ask is cause I’m living with my boyfriend now and i met him online, and I’ve realised that he fell in love with my online personality and doesn’t know the rest, and the feelings I’ve been having that he only loves me sometimes is really true cause right now he only loves me when I’m like I am online, which is hard to keep up in everyday life.. I want him to love all of me and i know he’s willing enough to. Sorry if this was long and rambling by the way.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much distress. I believe you need to find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or trauma. Admittedly, it can be difficult to locate a specialist but many therapists are trained to deal with trauma and may be able to assist you with your issues.

I believe it is important for you to be in therapy at this time for several reasons, including your depression, your urge to commit suicide when something goes wrong, and the fact that you have in essence created an alternate online personality. In addition, you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions which may be related to the fact that you are having experiences that you don’t remember, at least consciously. You need the support of a therapist to help you stay grounded in reality, control your emotions and deal with your depression. This is especially important because it does not seem as if you have much support from your family.

I would also encourage you to become educated about DID. Knowledge is power and this is especially true when it comes to DID because unfortunately it is often misdiagnosed and relative to other mental health disorders, is poorly understood. Some books about DID that are highly rated include:

The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock
Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living With Dissociative Identity Disorder by
Tracy, Ph.D. Alderman and Karen Marshall
Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out by W. Giller
The Stranger In The Mirror by Marlene Steinberg and Maxine Schnall

You did not ask a specific question but I believe what is most important for you at this time is to be in treatment with a competent therapist who can help you deal with your history of trauma and possibly a diagnosis of DID. The best way to know if you have the right therapist is if you feel a little better after each session. Please click the find help tab at the top of this page to help you locate mental health professional in your community. I wish you well. Please take care.

October 9, 2010 0 comment

What’s wrong with me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 6th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I started self-harming around 13. My mom was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. She would constantly scream at me, She would call me worthless, disgusting, the worst child she ever had, and told me she hated me. Once she even blamed me for her drinking. She would make comments about me ‘hacking on my self’. I suffered through her emotional abuse. And no one would stop her. My dad, and older sibling heard the stuff she said but wouldn’t do anything about it. I think a part of me felt abandoned. She was and is an alcoholic prescription drug addict. My dad is neglectful and never there. He told me once he wasn’t even my dad. My parents fight. My dad yells at my mom calling her a drunk and a whore. Sometimes they would push each other around. I would make sure my three younger siblings were in a room away from where my parents fought. But I had to witness their fighting.
I have OCD. I check things like lights or locks, count steps and other things, I go up and down stairs a certain number of times or until it “feels” right.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me but don’t know what.
I don’t or just can’t love anyone. I use to love my parents when I was younger but that changed after all the emotional abuse. I don’t hate them, I just don’t love them. Also I hate people touching me, and it’s worse with people in my family. It makes my skin burn and I’ll scratch and scrub at it. Sometimes I starve myself, because it makes me feel so pure and light.
I still cut myself though nobody knows. Sometimes I cut myself because I like to. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wonder if I have self-defeating personality disorder. I’m not really attracted to people that are caring and affectionate. I think I’m drawn toward depressing, destructive things and people.
There are times when I’ll go out into the building we keep tools and stuff and I’ll scream as loud as I can. When my mom has to go shopping I’ll try to get her to take the kids so I can be home alone, once after they left I took a shower and screamed hitting and kicking the walls. And I like to just set in the bathtub. I don’t let anyone else know, my mom would yell about me being crazy. Sometime I have trouble sleeping or I’ll wake up several times. I’ve stayed awake for three or four days a few times before. A couple of weeks ago I laid in bed all day sleeping or staring at the wall; I don’t do that often though.
There are times when I want to scream and yell and throw things around the room, scratch at my face and arms and pull my hair and bite my arms, and just lay there crying.
I don’t know if I have a mental disorder or if I’ve just been so emotionally damaged that I’ve lost it.

I really don’t think you have a “self-defeating personality.” What you are describing may be the effects of repeated trauma. You’ve done the best you can to manage feelings that are overwhelming and frightening. You’ve tried to find ways to control at least some things in a life that often felt out of control and to protect yourself from further harm. You’ve actually done a very good job coping with feelings and a situation that many adults would have trouble dealing with. Now you are finding that the ways you coped at 13 aren’t working for you – or at least aren’t working enough.

Yes, I know you feel you’ve “lost it.” But, please trust me. Losing it is a way that people cope when they have nowhere to turn. Now we need to get you to someone who has the skills and experience to help you reclaim yourself and your life. Please talk with your doctor or a school counselor to get the names of counselors who specialize in trauma and recovery. You need some intensive therapy to learn new ways to deal with all the hard things that have happened to you and to go forward in your life.

Meanwhile, If your parents are still violent with each other and can’t take care of you and your younger siblings, it may be necessary to call in child protective services. Please talk to an adult you trust about what is going on at home and how best to take care of kids who are too young to take care of themselves in this situation. No child should live in fear.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much so young. I know it’s very hard and I don’t blame you a bit for being mad and sad about it. But your letter tells me there is a strong inner core to rely on. Do some reading about recovery from trauma. And – please – turn to some people who can help you. You’ve been trying to manage this on your own long enough. With some support, you’ll come through this tough time okay.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 23, 2010 0 comment

Boyfriend has lied once, maybe twice, three times at most

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 10th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for six months. We are exclusive with one another. We live 150 miles away from each other and see each other for about one weekend a month. We talk on the telephone almost every day. Two months into the relationship, he lied to me about going to an event (who he went with, supposedly ‘a friend that is a girl’). He told me it was his sister he went with. I found out a few weeks later by accident and accepted this because the relationship was new and he has independence issues. Everything seemed to be going well until this past weekend. He called and said he had to go to a work event, but didn’t want to. He texted me from there. He texted me a couple hours later to say he was home. I asked him to call me before bedtime to say good night. He did at 1 am, but I heard him shut his car door as we were on the phone and his house alarm go off when he opened another door. I did not confront; I was just normal and said good night. He has been distant ever since. He has been busy with work this week I know, but I don’t feel right somehow. I try to believe the best scenario, but I keep going back to the bad scenario since this time is so similar (what he said, how he acted) to the prior lying episode. Do I ask him outright? Am I being untrustful? I do have trust issues related to a 14-year marriage in which there was no trust. I just don’t know what to do, but I feel very upset inside.

You must take what you learned in your 14-year relationship and put it to use. The lesson from your marriage is to deal with things sooner rather than later. The chances are good that you have chosen someone who is better than your ex, but who will also challenge you with the same issue of being untrustworthy. Regardless of what he may or may not be doing, your emotional wellbeing is at stake if you do not speak up. You are not whole if you are biting your tongue. Suspicion and mistrust are likely to dominate your thoughts as you try to move forward in the relationship. The nagging sense that you can’t trust him will linger. In other words, you would be lying to yourself about how you really feel.

Use facts and be direct with him about what you are experiencing. Rather than being accusatory, speak about what is not okay for you. It would be a description of your experience communicated for the purpose of you having a voice and informing him of your reactions. He may get angry, he may be surprised, he may be glad you spoke up. Whatever he does there are two things that are very important for you both: you need to say it, and he needs to hear it.

“I” statements, talking about your feelings and reactions, work best. You are the world’s best expert on your feelings and the work here is on finding the courage to express them. What you could say might sound something like this:

I had a very uncomfortable reaction the other night when we spoke because you texted me to say that you were home, but then later called and I could hear that you were getting out of your car and going into your home. It makes me feel like I can’t trust you to be honest with me. I have already had to confront you about not telling the truth and this causes me concern about being lied to and our future.

As strange as it might sound, this isn’t about trying to change his behavior. That may or may not happen. What it is about is learning from your marriage that you have to be clear about what isn’t okay and what you are willing to accept. If you don’t say something about your concerns it gives him tacit approval to treat you in a way you find disrespectful. Not calling him on it gives him permission to continue.

My experience has been that similar issues will emerge in relationships after a breakup, particularly after a long-term relationship. If you note the problem early and express it directly there is a much better chance the other person gets the memo on what is and isn’t acceptable. I would rather see you lose a 6-month relationship than sign up for another 14 years with the same issue at the core.

If you do end the relationship you will be more prepared for the next. The man you want to be with is someone who doesn’t make you feel betrayed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

June 13, 2010 0 comment

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