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I’m angry and just a complete mess

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 4th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have come here searching for an answer to my anger and the things that come along with it. My anger has cost me relationships with friends and boyfriends…I’m surprised my parents still stick around with the way I treat my mother specifically. I just completely overreact to things all the time. And I mean to the point that I am screaming and doing anything and everything in my power to make the opposing force feel wrong, stupid, and as inferior as possible. I used to break, punch, throw, slam things. Lately I’ve been able to keep at least that from happening.

Everyone has always told me just to notice when I begin to get angry and to just get away from the situation or to count to ten, but I can’t do it. For some reason I just can’t recognize that I’m about to become that enraged and that it is totally irrational, because I always think I am right. I never realize what has happened until the situation is over, then I feel remorse, but I usually don’t apologize because I feel that maybe I wasn’t wrong, I just went too far. I hardly apologize and usually it’s just to get what I want. I usually just blow things off because what’s done is done and what can I do to fix it now? But that just isn’t working for me. I really thought it would, rather than living in regret…just live for today and to make things the best. But I can’t do that.

I ruin everything. I don’t even know how to make sense of what I’m trying to say. A million thoughts are running through my head right now and I just don’t know where to start. In my past I’ve suffered physical and sexual abuse. And I just feel like my parents just never cared that those things happened, because all I got was a lock on my door and all my step brother got was NOTHING. My mother also went a little crazy while on welbutrin and became violent which resulted in serious shouting and physical fights between us. But she felt better, it made her depression go away. Luckily she listened to my step brother, step father, and myself and stopped taking it.

When I try to talk to her about how I feel (which I do not ever like to talk about how I feel with people that I see on a regular basis) she feels like it is time to tell me about her psycho thoughts as well. Today she told me she saw one of our dogs playing with a shirt sleeve my step dad turned into a dog toy and she imagined about strangling one of the dogs to death. I just can’ deal with her problems and my own. I also have had disturbing thoughts in the past that I can’t recall due to trying to push them from my mind. But they were thoughts that would be harmful to others. And I had to talk myself out of doing them. But I did.

I’m also a recovering drug addict, began at 14, never really did anything habitually until about 18. cocaine addict for about a year and a half, quit for about 2 years. then had a binge resulting in a breakdown the summer of 2008. used very sparsely until fall or winter of 2009, started binging on cocaine again, then got more into meth which I had tried in the past. Then fell into a serious habit with using that intravenous. got clean for like a month and then used the same way sparingly. last time was 2 weeks ago. have been successful in being strong enough not to give in to temptation like I used to. I don’t know if any of this is relevant, I just assume drug usage might be. I don’t even remember what I’ve been talking about. Sometimes I get so distracted I just have no idea what has just happened, what is going on, or sometimes where I am. I plan on seeking counseling immediately. That’s the only options I know of for people in my situation, broke, been unemployed (only for 4 months but I am so impulsive I waste my money on clothes, food, alcohol, drugs, shoes, I just feel like i need new things!), I don’t know what to do.

A: Yes, you do know what to do. You told me. Get into counseling immediately! Girl. You’re only 23 and you are a total mess. Yes, the drug use has lots to do with it. While you were using various drugs, your brain and mind got deprived of the important education in impulse control and judgment that happens during the teen years. Yes, your upbringing has something to do with it. You didn’t get the love, support and protection every child deserves. Trauma has something to do with it. Kids who are abused often need help. There’s no shame in that! And – if that weren’t enough, you may also have inherited a predisposition to mental illness from your mother. All that is a huge burden for any young person to manage.

I’m amazed and impressed that with so big a tangle of issues you could put together such a coherent and well-written letter. You have inner strengths and intelligence that you and a therapist can use to help you recover the 10 years of emotional growth you lost. Stop “planning” to find a therapist and just do it. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be on the road to a more even temper and a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Boyfriend Tries to Force Sex on Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 4th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 5 years now and everything was fine until I got pregnant with our daughter. When I was pregnant I would find it hard to finish of sex with him due to uncomfort. One night I woke up to him touching me and masturbating, I had a go at him and told him not to do it again. This happened several times until I woke up to him on top of me having sex. I shouted at him again and he said that I would lie in an arousing position? He did this until our daughter was born no matter what I said.

After the baby was born we didn’t have sex because I was still bleeding for three weeks. I thought it had gone back to normal until one night I woke up to him lying on me from behind just finishing. I asked him if he had fully had sex with me and ejaculated with no protection and he had. That was the first time we had sex since the baby was born and I didn’t consent or wasn’t even awake. I had to go to a clinic and get the morning after pill to prevent getting pregnant again.

I felt violated and don’t want him to touch me, we started sleeping apart until I could trust him to not to touch me without my consent but we are still arguing and I don’t want to have sex with him anymore and we don’t even cuddle I don’t know what to do as we have a 5-month-old daughter together? Now when we try to have sex he’s so rough with me he hurts and I have to tell him at least 3 times to stop. His sexual behavior is too much for me he even grabs me when I’m attending to the baby. He only started this when I got pregnant? He was normal before I just don’t understand what I’m doing to make him like this now?

You’re not doing anything to “make him” be like this. Apparently something unhinged your guy when he couldn’t have free access to sex while you were pregnant and recovering from birth. He can’t manage it that he has to share you with your child either.

What he is doing is abuse. He doesn’t take you seriously when you tell him to stop. He isn’t showing you love or respect. Tell him to leave and mean it. The situation is already getting worse. I’m very worried about you and the baby.

The two of you got together when you were only 15. Making a baby doesn’t make someone into an adult. It appears that you have grown up and he hasn’t.

Please look into whether there is a domestic violence program in your area. You need some practical help and some emotional support. If you can’t afford your flat on your own, I hope you have family members or friends who will take you and your baby in. You need to get away from your boyfriend — the sooner the better.

Here are a few ways to can also try to help with this issue.

  1. Be honest and clear: Be honest with your boyfriend about why you don’t want to have sex. Be clear and direct, but also empathetic and understanding of his feelings.
  2. Offer alternative forms of intimacy: If you’re not comfortable with having sex, suggest alternative forms of intimacy such as cuddling, hugging, or kissing. This can help maintain physical connection while respecting your boundaries.
  3. Communicate your needs and desires: Express your needs and desires clearly and openly, and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. This can help build trust and understanding in the relationship.
  4. Respect each other’s decisions: It’s important to respect each other’s decisions regarding physical intimacy. Rejecting someone’s sexual advances can be difficult, but it’s important to respect each other’s boundaries and make sure that both partners feel comfortable and respected.

Remember, healthy relationships are built on communication, trust, and respect. It’s important to have open and honest conversations about physical intimacy to ensure that both partners feel comfortable and satisfied.

If your boyfriend is not respecting your boundaries and decisions, it is important to address this issue immediately. Here are a few ways to handle the situation:

  1. Set clear and firm boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors are not acceptable and make it clear that these boundaries will not be violated. Be assertive in communicating your boundaries and stick to them.
  2. Seek support from a trusted friend or family member: Having someone to talk to and support you can help you feel more empowered and equipped to handle the situation.
  3. Consider couples therapy: Couples therapy can help you both address and resolve conflicts in a safe and structured environment. A therapist can help you both improve communication and respect for each other’s boundaries and decisions.
  4. Seek help from law enforcement or a domestic violence shelter: If your safety is in danger, it is important to seek help from law enforcement or a domestic violence shelter.

It’s important to remember that it is never okay for someone to violate your boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable. If your boyfriend is unwilling or unable to respect your decisions, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Hate My Step Father and My Real Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 18th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mum and dad divorced when I was around 9, and for years he took it all out on me and did things like starve me, hold me to the ground and lock me in my room for days. I don’t see him anymore, and I still feel guilty. I feel as though I could have stayed there longer, could have been less prideful and tried harder.

My mother ended up remarrying another man, who I despise. He stands for everything I hate, including being homophobic, bigoted and thinking that his opinion in the only the only opinion. I hate coming home to him because, after what I went through with my dad, I’m really nervous around men, and my step dad’s a massive jerk to me.

I’m just lost between feeling the issues between my relationship with my father is causing the bad relationship with my step dad (my fault) or just that they’re both jerks (not my fault). I’m also growing to resent my mother for marrying him and not standing up for me. She didn’t believe me / help as soon as she should have when I was 13-ish and dealing with the worst of my troubles. I think my step dad I disagree on many things, regardless of him supposedly being a father figure. He thinks gay people shouldn’t have the right to be married, transgenders don’t exist and loads of conservative catholic stuff that I think is wrong. I think everybody should be equal, and this has led to many heated arguments. Of course, being the adult, he always “wins.”

After years of being emotionally bullied by my father, my anxiety around my step father, and men in general, is growing and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t talk to my mum, I’m too scared to talk to my teachers and I just feel like I can’t tell anybody… Please help! (From Australia.)

 

A:  I deeply admire the courage it takes to ask for help. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly by the people in your life who were supposed to take care of you. You didn’t cause any of these things to happen — and it sounds as if you are not likely to cause them to change.

Instead, I am going to recommend you make a profound investment in yourself. You are at the beginning of your high school career and I would put your effort into finding support and challenges for yourself outside of your family. I’d begin talking to teacher and counselors about your interests and join clubs and organizations within and outside the school setting that will broaden the network of people with like-minded interests. This can become your vehicle for support.

I’d also begin formulating a plan to be independent and away from your family by the time you are 18. Invest in your education and training. If you inclined toward college, I would work toward that goal. Every moment you can invest in your future should be helpful.

While your mother and father and stepfather have not been there for you, it doesn’t mean that others can’t be. Find the people who support and believe in you and let them become your family of choice.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Issues with Talking to Therapist about Sex After Childhood Abuse

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 16th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been in therapy for 3 years with a great therapist. He has been a true godsend. The problem is, I’m having difficulty talking to him about sex, I was abused as a child and spent over 30 years, blaming myself for what happened. But now I feel ready to enter a intimate relationship with someone, however, my lack of confidence and my inexperience have made me very nervous about sex. I have wanted to talk with him about some of the details about my childhood abuse, to try to work through some of my fears and anxiety, I just don’t know how to even start the conversation.
I have always viewed sex as being a shameful act and the thought of talking to him has caused me such embarrassment that I’ve spent whole sessions with him without talking at all. How would you suggest I handle this?

A serious discussion of sex is unnecessarily anxiety producing for most people. For a sexual abuse victim it is, of course, even more anxiety producing. However, there are many other personal topics that are equally difficult to discuss with even your primary care physician. Nonetheless, these topics must be discussed if you are to receive the help available from a trained professional. In short, it’s something you have to do, like it or not.

I am not suggesting that you should talk about sexual issues with a highly skilled and professionally certified dentist. No matter how good your dentist is, he is simply not equipped or trained to deal with sensitive personal issues. Your therapist is so trained. Of all possible professionals, no one will be easier to talk to than a therapist. They are prepared to deal with sensitive, personal, embarrassing, issues and to do so in the most sensitive way. Nonetheless, you are likely to initially experience some nervousness but it is likely to quickly pass, often shortly after beginning the discussion.

You might try telling your therapist that there are sexual issues that you would like to discuss but are hesitant and nervous to do so. Tell him that you will write the topics down or that perhaps you have already written the topics down and you would like to have him read them when you are not present. He will then use his judgment and training to help you address those issues. Perhaps it will amount to no more than him reading your statements after your session and providing you with feedback upon beginning your next session. Or perhaps he will ask you simple questions to begin the process and purposefully not ask for answers that might be too personal in nature and may keep it on a very high clinical level. You have confidence in your therapist and have given him a very high rating both in your mind and in the letter that you have written here.

You are hesitant to broach the subject of sexual issues with your therapist and as I have already stated that is not unique to you but is common to most individuals, in therapy or not. One thing that I can promise you, is that your initial anxiety will decrease and substantially so, once you begin to discuss this with your therapist. It is difficult for you to discuss this now but surprisingly quickly it will become like any other topic discussed in counseling. That holds true for virtually everyone in counseling, including sexual abuse victims. I hope I have helped in some small way – good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Mother Is Going Crazy

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 15th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m not talking about hearing voices in the head because thankfully she’s not that crazy, but recently she has some major belief issues. She recently got sucked into this whole “4 dimensions,” she truly and legitimately believes that her “soul wavelength” is equal to that of a god, and that god lives in the 4D or something. I of course am not really believing in that sort of ridiculous comment, so I try to calmly explain to her why such a thing can’t exist. She gets really mad, screaming mad, then can’t keep her mouth closed for at least 3 hours no joke. She keeps yelling at me like “Why don’t you believe in such things, this is why you’re such a loser, you suck at this, you suck at that, you have to start believing in being a god to be one.” Now before I go further, she says I “suck” at things that I already quit from, like previous sports I didn’t enjoy.

It only gets worse from here, she recently watched videos of conspiracy theory videos. She 100% believes every single thing that she sees. As long as it’s a well-produced, well-narrated “documentary” and has somewhere that says “not fake,” she really believes it. Now I mean that’s not bad right? She can believe in that, it’s her right to. But then she tells me to go and watch it with her, and after the video, I deny that any of those theories are true. Once again, for some reason she gets super mad at me for not believing in these “facts.” Pyramids on the moon, and Nazi UFO’s, I once believed my mom was sane, but seriously the state that she has deteriorated to scares me. Another notable mention is that she has a massive lump on her neck she claims to be just a muscle that grew too large, looks like a tumor to me, I highly recommended her to a doctor. But she thinks the doctor system is made to cheat people of their money. I finally tried to just get her to talk to a therapist or just any medical figure, but she just absolutely refuses, thinking that her will power or god power will heal her.

I don’t enjoy the company of my mother anymore, she speaks of herself too highly and speaks of others too lowly. I think she’s crazy/insane.

This is difficult because your mother’s perspective becomes a source of criticism. I’m sorry this is happening, no child should be told that they “suck” at anything. I highly recommend talking to your high school’s guidance counselor about what you’re witnessing. Whatever beliefs your mother has, she is wrong when she belittles you. Regardless of her belief system her treatment of you isn’t good, and that’s where the focus needs to be. You guidance counselor will have some suggestions for helping you cope.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Self Esteem Issues and Can’t Find Ways to be Happy

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 15th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi! I don’t know if you can help me or not or if I’m even at the right place… .. I am NOT looking for pity, but I guess in a way I do make myself look pathetic -_- . I don’t normally put my business out there but I feel in order to better understand what I’m going through and this is anonymous it’s better if I told you. I noticed lately I have been having A LOT of issues.. I am not sure if it’s depression, anxiety, anger and resentment or what but I noticed that it is holding me back from the mom and future wife that eventually I want to be. I am 23 years old and my fiancé and I have been engaged for 5 years (going out for 6). I am the type of person that thinks A LOT and tries to figure things out on my own and when I do I ask myself WHY it’s like that and what can I do to improve. In other words I guess you could say I have ” ways to self better” convos with myself.

When I turned 20 we decided to start our family. I found out at 6 months that my fiancé had been sleeping around when I went on vacation to see my aunt in another state but this wasn’t the usual scenarios. He had been with men instead of women and had been posting ads all over Craigslist. I didn’t know how to feel about that but cheating is still cheating so I kicked him out and his sister begged me to give him another chance for our son. I thought about it long and hard and decided “I want my baby’s dad in my son’s life and in a relationship you should always work out your problems. Maybe something I did led to his decision or maybe he was stressed out. Usually after someone gets caught they realize their mistake” and I agreed to work things out with him because he looked very regretful to the point of tears. I often wish I refused, maybe I wouldn’t be like this today. I keep thinking in the past when I had a job and I didn’t need anybody but me.

I later on had to quit my job due to a terrible pregnancy and he was the only one working and I found out at 8 months (3-4 weeks before delivery date) he did it again!! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. This time I was really
angry and I tried to leave but I had no job so no money, no car of my own and no one I could depend on that would help me. I called shelters it was first come first served how was I going to haul myself over there when I even had no money and I didn’t have a spot guaranteed?? I asked my sister for help and she told me I got myself in this mess to figure it out so I was stuck with him and a few other awful incidents happened (one that I have to live with the rest of my life is a broken finger when he slammed the door when he was angry and my finger got caught accidentally and nearly got amputated. Now it’s just awfully deformed but I keep telling myself at least it’s not a leg others have it worse.. I try to look on the bright side). I actually did leave him, a close friend of mine helped me out but she was living with her parents and I was told by her dad if I wanted to stay at the place my baby had to go and of course that was not an option for me so I was once again forced back with him. He feels awfully guilty about it till this day and has since worked on his temper also but I’m still really angry. Nobody should have to get hurt physically because of anybody.

Fast forward 4-5 years later it took a LONG time to get to the place we are both at now and the relationship is almost perfect and he manned up so much except for one thing- I’m not happy
anymore. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I am tired after trying so hard for 5 years and now that he finally decided to change I feel like it’s a little too late, there’s nothing there I feel empty. Everyday I wake up and immediately I want to get back in bed, it’s rare nowadays that I wake up cheerfully. I try to be so optimistic but a little voice in my head laughs and says “haha nope not happening!”. My fiancé thinks that everything is okay and doesn’t understand why I act this way and I tried to explain to him but he thinks it’s all in my head and that I am over dramatic. I feel really lonely but I’m afraid of being alone now and when I look at him I feel like we’re drifting apart and I also have NO confidence in myself at all whatsoever anymore since he’s cheated on me more than once. It was devastating for me because I was one hundred percent truly in love and now I feel… Numb of all loving emotions towards him. I have 2 beautiful babies now and they are my whole world and I love them so much but I feel like I’m not the mother that they deserve. I noticed lately though that I think I do have a lot of resentment buried deep under the layers from the past and I can’t get rid of it. I try to look at everything with a happy outlook of life and I can’t really talk to anyone about my issues and it feels like I will explode! I’m not sure if it’s depression or anger maybe anxiety but it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders and just weighing me down and everyday I’m sitting on the couch and I’m too mentally tired to even play with my kids. It feels like something is holding me back maybe an example would be shackled by invisible chains? I also lately started getting panic attacks. It isn’t professionally diagnosed but I know I have it along with all the symptoms but lately I haven’t gotten one in a long while except for one in all of 3-4 months? At first I thought that I was just lazy but that doesn’t seem right to me because I have ALWAYS been happy and excited to go out into the world. Now I’m just sheltered and I hate talking to everyone. I’m a lone wolf. You literally have to drag me out of my own home!! Maybe that’s just a part of being an adult no one ever told me about? I spoke to my sister she said it sounded like depression. What can I do to get rid of this awful feeling? And without medication?

Here is another big problem for me- growing up I was really sheltered and abused mentally verbally and physically my whole life. I was literally under lock and key and could only go out to go to school and back and wasn’t allowed to hang out with any friends or talk to them on the phone or my mother would get really angry- she was a really jealous person. I wasn’t even allowed to talk to my father or I would be accused of doing something with him which is just plain disgusting!! I am 23 years old but I feel like I’m terrified to break out of my cocoon and be an adult. When I turned 18 I left and I never looked back and I was so happy to be free and do whatever I wanted! But then when I met my fiancé and he did that the 2nd time to me maybe I felt so stuck that I just swallowed myself down. I used to be really talkative and cheerful and super independent! Anyone that I would meet I could put a smile on their face. Now 5-6 years later I can barely speak to anyone and when I do I stutter and become really really shy, it has gotten so bad that I think I need speech therapy. Is it called being socially impaired? It feels like my tongue is fat and my lips also, it’s hard to talk. I’m scared to go ANYWHERE by self. These negative thoughts don’t stop and my fiancé gets upset with me because we don’t currently have a car so he has to walk me everywhere. But also in reality the world is a dangerous place too. I honestly feel the way that my parents raised me didn’t prepare me at ALL to become an adult. I fact I feel they did a horrible job. They kept me alive for 18 years by locking me up but I’m afraid of the world. I am also afraid now of commitment and marriage. of course I know that not all men are the same but in my mind I feel “Who would want you? You weren’t even good enough for your fiancé he easily cheated on you”. But now that I am older and I have my own little princess I realize no one will respect or love you until you love yourself and I want to love myself!!!

I also don’t trust anyone but myself. My fiancé wanted to do a trust exercise and made me fall back into his arms the other day and I just couldn’t do it and I know why. He was really upset because he fell into mine easily and I explained to him he had broken my trust, whereas I had never once been unfaithful or done anything to hurt him despite the fact he literally dragged me to hell and back these past 6 years. My trust is completely shattered in everyone. In my eyes everyone is out just to get me. I have helped my fiancé’s family and friends numerous times when they had no where to live (I try to believe the best in people and I understood what it was like to have no where to stay) and they all just took complete advantage of me and walked all over me, and don’t have any respect for me at all and just take me for an immature fool. They feel that he’s the one working why should the have to listen to me when they are his family? In their eyes I only come last because family is always first and I am not their blood related. His family knows what he did to me and they make fun of me for it and tell me what he did was no big deal, it’s very hurtful, his dad has even tried introducing girls to him in front of me when our son was 3 months old. It makes me SO upset because when my fiancé and I first met he was living with his dad and I was paying over $2000/ month in rent for them when I didn’t live with them at all and his sister always asked me for help to pay all her bills and even rent for her sometimes when she needed help. I did it all from the goodness of my heart because when I was 18 I believed the good in people and I believe in “paying it forward” and never once asked them for the money back so no I don’t understand what I did to them. According to his family they don’t like me because I called him a butthole (but in profanity version) when he had cheated on me but excuse me he had given me an STD (it was curable thank goodness) that was the LEAST he deserved in my opinion!

But of course it wasn’t their fault that I am like this. I just care too much what people think of me and I tried not to care but it’s just the way I am and have always been. I am easy to walk all over and I can’t seem to grow a backbone no matter how hard I try. I think when I turned 18 I was finally free and I was just an easy target to be taken advantage of because I was never taught to have self respect but just didn’t realize it back then like I do now.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to improve myself for the better so I can be the best that I can be for my kids. I look at my precious babies every day and I wonder how can parents treat their little angels so cruelly?? I have been working on myself every single day to try to be a better person but some days are more rough than others. He (my fiancé) never let me go to therapy because he was too embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to know what he had done so all these years I have been learning to cope with it all myself. Lately though I finally mastered a stage, which I am really proud of!! I went from thinking “it’s all my fault” like he had tried to convince me when he was caught and I hated myself everyday to realizing “It was not me but him I can do better” and little by little I got a tiny bit of confidence back which felt nice and I guess he loved that confident part of me and worked on himself even harder. He says he loves me but all my love that I had for him is buried and I don’t know if it’s possible to revive. I am awfully proud of the man and father he has become but can trust ever be regained?? I really do want to fall back in love with him like I used to and not just love him.

I want to be independent and happy everyday like I used to be and I took a step forward by re-entering church. But every time I try to do something my mind starts panicking and 30min to 1 hour goes by and I’m still at the same spot like my brain is in overload. I am also scared of failure. I am currently a stay at home mommy but I’m afraid when I go to back to work I can’t succeed and I will fail and if something ever did happen I won’t be able to make it on my own. Please please please give me some advice on how I can take better control of all these emotions. I tried writing a list they help me for my goals but not for my confidence and depression or whatever this is. The one reason I tried so hard all these years is so our kids can have a complete family instead of having to go back and forth. I don’t want to live in fear my whole life! I’m sorry for this super long letter!!

Regards, Miss. Desperate

Thank you for your heartfelt letter. I am sorry you have been feeling this way and have an idea that may help.

The city you say you are from has a woman’s shelter. I encourage you to call them and use the services they have for counseling. In particular, I would find a way to begin both individual and group counseling. The therapists who work there are highly trained and are used to working with people who have had backgrounds similar to yours. You need support. You need support from people who understand your history and your feelings. The woman’s center in your city is the right place to begin.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Want to Feel Normal

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 10th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My problems started when I got a job in November on night shift. It killed me I had such a difficult time with it. I was already on an anti psychotic and an anti depressant. But having such issues the doctor put me on another anti depressant. I was feeling better for a while until I lost my job. Losing the job was a relief but now my life is falling apart.

Almost everyone in my family is bipolar including me. My son has ADHD and picks up everything people say. my brother is 35 lives at home and pays no bills. He is disrespectful and my son is picking it up. I confronted my parents and now my mother is so upset she can’t talk to me, My husband yells at me when I get upset instead of helping me. I just want to be able to control my emotions. I want to feel normal. I do not have insurance so I cannot go to see anyone. I really need help but can’t get it. I have thought about what it would be like to end my life but could not do that to my son or family. I watched my in laws go through it when my brother in law killed himself. I could not put people through that. But I do want to just go somewhere and never have to deal with anyone I know. I want to disappear and have no feelings at all. People just keep telling me to get over it and it is not that easy. I need help but cannot get it so maybe you could give me some advice.

I’m so sorry you are having such a miserable time. I’m glad you wrote.

All the medicine in the world is not going to help you out of what is a toxic situation. No one in your family appears to know how to handle emotions and conflict constructively. They get upset and yell instead of solving problems. And there are a lot of problems to solve. Being diagnosed with bipolar doesn’t excuse people from treating each other with compassion and doing what needs to be done to have a healthy family.

I think you do need to see someone to help you figure out where you may have more power to change things than you think you do. A resource for free services for women is often found in programs for domestic violence. Although you don’t describe a situation where you are battered physically, you are certainly being emotionally abused. I suggest you see what the program near you has to offer in terms of counseling services. The closest program to you is in Wilkes-Barre. The phone number is 866-206-9050. Why don’t you give them a call and see if they can offer you free help or if they can refer you to another appropriate service?

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Childhood Relevance & Relationship Issues

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 9th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a history of repeated physical abuse by my father in childhood, stimulated by minor factors like a slightly lower grade or poor handwriting. I am also unfortunate to have witnessed my father being violent to my mother and sister. All of which are imprinted in my mind and still make me cry on recollection, both my parents died of cancer in the past two years. I have always had difficulty in concentrating on studies, except , paradoxicay, while watching movies or reading noves where I lose track of the surroundings and people often have to call me repeatedly then. I have been engaged the past year to a kind hearted man, but I have a problem of being offended by the slightest comment, which makes me miserable the whole day and I yell at him or message him till he relents and apologises, sometimes even that doesnt placate me and I carry on till I really hurt him, after which I feel guilty and keep apologising. I also keep having pangs of jealousy when he talks about other women, in his work or past, even though irrational. I also have the trouble of making decisions, especially split second ones, so I’m scared to learn driving as it involves a lot of split second decisions, and often rely on others to make decisions for me, sometimes bad ones. I used to write a lot of poetry earlier, but stopped the past 3 years. I also procrastinate very badly and have a incapacitating fear of darkness that I cant explain. I feel no one understands me and have brooded over death a long time, though I havent taken active steps to end my life. I feel a lot of this is attributable to the violence encountered from my father, though I am not sure. I do not drink or smoke.

I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling. Suicide should never be a consideration for you or for anyone. All of the problems that you have described are highly treatable with counseling. Many people have experienced or witnessed abuse as children but have recovered from their experiences. You can recover too.

You mentioned relationship problems. In all likelihood, your negative childhood experiences are impacting your current relationships. Once you recognize inappropriate behavior, you can then work to change it. Counseling could help you to make these positive changes. Perhaps your fiancé would attend counseling with you, to support you and to help correct these relationship problems.

You also described experiencing fear and perhaps even depression. These problems are not something that you should accept as your reality. They are highly treatable. I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling.

Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that seeking professional help is akin to being a failure. That is simply not true. We are not born with problem-solving skills. These skills must be learned. Some people learn these skills from their parents or other role models, but not everyone has this luxury. Mental health professionals can teach us these important problem-solving skills. It’s the most efficient way to correct life problems. I hope you will consider it.

If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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With My Therapist 18+ Years, But I Haven’t Been Able to Make It to Treatment

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 6th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My therapist and I had been working with different parts/alters of my system (D.I.D. diagnosis) when 1 of them decided that therapy wasn’t allowed anymore. That was almost 2 years ago! Thankfully my therapist has been amazing and will still speak to me in crisis (unless she gets hung up on by “someone”) and/or email/text with me when needed (if not deleted). We’ve set appointments and those either get cancelled or just don’t show up.

This part writes in our Notebook/Communication book such awful things. To me directly, about my friends as well as my therapist. Through our years of working together my therapist and I have had such major success in working with other parts… up until this specific one decided that it was going to be her way or the highway. My therapist has had an abundance of conversations with this part and basically she is one of the original protectors. From what we gather she was hurt the most and bought in to the rhetoric of my abuser. It makes sense as to who she is, what she stands for and why; however, those old coping mechanisms aren’t applicable to my life today. What worked then to survive isn’t needed now. She refuses to see that or to even consider it. Her reasoning for blocking therapy and treatment is because “it’s not honoring him” and “one day will see the truth of the light that shines so bright.”

I’ve done several voluntary inpatient treatment programs but even those get cut short. “Someone” decides we’re not doing it anymore and checks out.

My life is stuck where it is and there is SO much more work to be done… with my system as well as my own personal struggles. The hope was that something/someone would eventually shift (at least just enough) and I would be able to go back to treatment. That was almost 2 years ago at this point!

Any thoughts or input you could offer would be of the greatest appreciation. I feel very stuck and like things won’t change. (From the USA)

 I can imagine how difficult it feels to be at war with yourself in getting treatment for D.I.D. The “Someone” sounds hypervigilant as the protector and needs to be validated. Your therapist sounds wonderful and it might be useful to discuss considering inviting “Someone” in to express his view directly — to be honored by having a voice in the process. This may help create a therapeutic double bind for “Someone.” By honoring him and inviting him to have a voice he would get to speak up — which is likely to be part of the correction he is seeking, and in doing so engage with the process.

My thoughts on this are just suggestions, as there are many factors that may make this approach unfeasible that I wouldn’t know of. You and your therapist can discuss the merits and see if you can broker a meeting with “someone” to help with the integration you are looking for.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Home Problems

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 2nd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I really want to run away from home (I’m 18 yo) because of my toxic family. I really feel like I’m on the edge from just going insane because I feel helpless/hopeless. I’m someone who is forced to be isolated and I have low self-esteem/poor confidence from what I believe is emotional abuse from my childhood. The people I live with are belittling and make me feel bad about myself. They’re the reason I have low self-esteem issues and I feel worthless/incapable. I want to defend myself but I don’t know how to cause I’m scared to and I’m honestly not used to defending myself. It’s even come to the place where I might have to physically defend myself. Can you please advise me on what I should do to build my confidence and courage so I can stand up for myself? What should I do about wanting to run away from home even though I have nowhere to go, but sometimes home really makes me want to snap? (From the USA)

Thank you for writing to us. In spite of all their belittling and emotional abuse there is an invincible and unbelievably strong part of you that had the courage to write this email. The part of you that knows the situation you’re in isn’t healthy and has your best interest at heart is the part we want to honor. Don’t let go of this feeling of the need to take care of yourself. It may be difficult, but it is the healthiest part of you and we want to recognize that it is alive and well and needs to be nurtured.

You need to plan. A plan for your independence and living out and away from your dysfunctional families influence. The work for you right now is to look at your options. Whatever they are they need to lead you out and away from this house. Look at all possibilities. Perhaps it is time to join the Armed Forces, go back to school, or take a job where you can live more independently out and away from your family. The first part of the plan is to deeply investigate what are your options. The second part will be to act on them.

The sooner you can do this the better, but give yourself a deadline. Will it be three months? Six months? A year? You need to motivate yourself toward the goal of getting out by making that the most important goal in front of you.

One of the most effective forms of goal setting comes from what is known as S-M-A-R-T Goals. This acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic, Timely. I am advocating for you to start planning goals for yourself that use this formula.

The feeling of wanting to run away from home is a powerful one, but usually people who run don’t have a good enough plan to sustain themselves. If we are using the above method the first thing is to begin with a specific goal in mind. It could be to move out, it could be to save two thousand dollars, it might be to contact the woman’s shelter in your county for counseling. Whatever the goal make it clear and specific.

Secondly, make sure this goal is measurable. A goal that says “I don’t want this to keep happening” is neither specific nor measurable. A goal that says I want to move out within a year and save 40 dollars a week so I can pay the deposit and the first month’s rent is both specific AND measurable.

To make a goal actionable means you need to be able to do something toward it. The action, in this case, might be to get a job, or open up a savings account, or start looking at the cost of apartments or start talking to people who have done it. Goals must be something we are taking action on to achieve.

The realistic part is essential. You don’t want to establish a goal like: “I’m moving into my own apartment next week,” if there isn’t any resources or opportunity for that to happen. Of course, what is realistic is something that can change one way or another with a shift in circumstances, but when you establish the goal make it one you can reach.

Finally, pick a timeline that is reasonable and can keep you motivated. “I want to move out within ten years,” won’t help. A goal that is too quick would lead to failure and defeat. Make the goal something you’ll have to stretch for but not something that robs you of the engagement necessary to stay motivated to achieve it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Sexually Abused by Father

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 30th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was sexually abused as a child by the next door neighbour. I never told anybody but last year I finally went into therapy to deal with it. I have recently separated from a long term partner and have started seeing a new man. My father has become very weird,jealous and has started being very inappropriate. he touches me in a sexual way and says very explicit and offensive things. He was like this when I was a teenager. I left home because of it. Last week he scared me as he was sexual and aggressive. I ended up feeling ashamed and anxious. He doesnt accept when I have tried to tell of the abuse I suffered as a child he says I am making it up, being silly. I now feel like I hate him but I dont know how to deal with this, do I confront him? Do i simply walk away. My mom died 10 years ago so cannot talk to her. I feel very frightened of him and what he will do next

As a 46-year-old man, you certainly don’t have to put up with this. You don’t need to convince your father of anything. You know what happened to you. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Your truth matters, not his.

You ask if you should confront or walk away. I suggest to you that there are more alternatives. There is no point in arguing with him. He isn’t likely to change. Walking away sends the message that what he is doing is okay with you – which it isn’t. It also leaves you feeling ashamed.

I think it would be more helpful if you could make a clear statement to your dad of how it makes you feel and what you will do any time he approaches you inappropriately.

You could say something like, “Dad. It is entirely inappropriate for you to touch me like that or say those things to me. You are my father, not a boyfriend. Fathers don’t treat their sons that way. If you persist, I will only see you when other people are around. I’m not interested in being around you when you treat me with such disrespect.”

Then follow through. The very first time he says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, leave. Don’t talk about it, shout about it, argue about it, or repeat yourself. Shouting and talking and arguing send the message that perhaps you can be talked out of your opinion. Taking silent and sure action sends a far more powerful message to him and preserves your dignity as an adult man.

It’s very sad that your father’s behavior puts a wedge between the two of you. I understand that you have wanted him to be different and hoped that he would be the kind of loving, supportive dad you’ve always wanted. But you can’t make him change. All you can do is hold on to your own self-respect by setting a clear boundary and sticking to it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Relationship Recovery

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 4th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Dubai: I was engaged to someone I love for a year; I love him so much and couldn’t imagine my life without him. I have struggled a lot emotionally due to the loss of my father last year and he was supportive and always there, but for some reason he constantly quizzes me and doesn’t have any trust in me. He says that I have to earn it and I have absolutely done EVERYTHING and risked many things, as my culture doesn’t allow me to. He will question me on everything and I have to prove everything he has doubt in. for example if I had another line on the phone he will ask me to capture the screen for him to make sure if I was telling the truth. I work in an office all by myself but he gets very paranoid and insecure wondering what I do. I’m not aloud to drive, he wants me to leave my job and I cant hangout with any of my friends, the conclusion is while I’m not around him he loses his trust he just wants to keep me under his eye and under control. I got used to him a lot and I was very patient with him but now I had to breakup bcoz I couldn’t handle. In addition, I’m finding it very hard to cope as I have got used to him he was honestly the only person I was with 24/7 yet I couldn’t impress him. plz help and advice me if what I did was good for me. Thank You.

The kind of jealousy that your boyfriend is displaying needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. You’re right that it’s out of control, inappropriate, and for you to have left.

Men who are trying to control their women at that level are operating out of a profound level of insecurity. This insecurity and jealousy and Are being dealt with by trying to control you. You do not want to be with someone like this.

Don’t make the mistake many women in your position make by going back thinking it will get better. It doesn’t — not without a lot of emotional work and therapy on the man’s part. For future relationships or if you do decide to go back to this one, I would be very clear about the fact that if you wanted to cheat on him nothing he does is going to stop that: Trusting each other is the only thing that will work.

There are a number of different strategies you can try to help with this situation.

  1. Open and honest communication: Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about his jealousy and how it makes you feel. Encourage him to express his feelings and listen to him without judgment.
  2. Set clear boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable in the relationship. This can help prevent jealousy-fueled conflicts and improve trust in the relationship.
  3. Address the root cause of jealousy: Jealousy can stem from insecurities and past experiences. Encourage your boyfriend to work through these underlying issues with a therapist or counselor.
  4. Focus on building trust: Building trust is essential in overcoming jealousy. Show your boyfriend that he can trust you by being transparent, accountable, and consistent in your actions and behaviors.

It’s important to remember that jealousy can be a complex and sensitive issue, and it may take time and effort to overcome. It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor for both you and your boyfriend.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have Violent Thoughts but Feel I Can’t Go to a Psychiatrist

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. December 28th, 2022
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I am going to try and make this as brief as possible. I have been having thoughts of violence, of killing people. I want to make it clear that I do not want to because I think of what that can do to my future, to my family, and to my friends. I will have daydreams or dreams that are so vivid and real to me. I do things basically to try to satisfy these violent thoughts and urges by watching certain shows or movies, playing violent games and reading about violent crime scenes for example. I will admit that I used to kill small reptiles and the occasional squirrel, never cats or dogs because I like them too much and no one notices killing of reptiles. I would dissect them and see what various things would do to their bodies. This is the first time I have ever admitted to such things because I know that these signs never point to good things plus it gives people the wrong idea. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this because honestly I don’t know a psychiatrist who would see me out of fear of I might hurt them or someone else. More importantly, if I were to say anything like this or self harm or anything else along those lines my insurance won’t cover me. So if I could get any advice on something that would help or a way I could get help that would be great because right now I’m kind of stuck with myself.

 A: Thanks for writing in with your question. I’d first like to suggest that you put your worries to rest about a psychiatrist (or any other mental health professional) refusing to see you because of the thoughts you are having.These kinds of issues are included in our training and we deal with them on a regular basis. Do not let this deter you from seeking help. 

Now, if your thoughts of hurting yourself or others get very serious and you and your therapist cannot come up with a plan to keep you or others safe, you may be hospitalized for a few days to be stabilized. But again, that’s not a bad thing and can be very healing. I’d also like to say that in all my years of working in the mental health field, I have never had a client lose their insurance because of what they talk about in treatment. I’ve also never had anyone lose their insurance (or job) for being hospitalized. The insurance companies typically only get data such as the diagnosis, functioning level and dates of treatment, rather than details from the sessions themselves.

I recommend that you steer clear of violent shows and video games. There are those who feel that these activities are “cathartic” and help folks release these feelings rather than act on them, however, there are many experts who believe just the opposite. If you already struggle with violent thoughts and feelings, exposing yourself to these themes tends to increase these feelings rather than decrease them. If our unconscious mind controls 90% of our behavior, what do you want to be putting in there? You would most likely benefit much more from finding ways to be kind to yourself and others. Try prayer or meditation, find ways to volunteer in your community, fill your mind with thoughts of peace, and go find a good therapist or psychiatrist.

 All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Blacking Out Over Rage?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 28th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Me and my girlfriend were in my car in a parking lot. We got into a verbal dispute. I called her the c-word. She punched me in the face. She was very angry. I grabbed her arms so she would stop punching. When I grabbed her arms, her whole body shrieked. She yelled, “you hit me, I’m calling the cops”; immediately said, “I didn’t hit you”;.after she calmed down, I let go of her. She got out of the car and took off. that was 6 months ago. she will not speak to me. I do not want to get a restraining order so I have kept my distance. She told my mom in a text a month after this happened, that she “wasn’t sure what I told my mom(i sent my girlfriend a letter explaining what had happened), but that all she knows is that she is not safe around me”; I truly believe that she believes that I hit her. is there a condition of a “blacked-out rage”; where she can’t process true events like this correctly? once I said the c-word bruce banner became the incredible hulk (From the USA)

Black-out can happen on both sides. Whenever there is anger involved that becomes rageful there is very often a distortion on what is happening. You saying she has had a blackout when you were as engaged in the process as she was might be inaccurate — as much as you might think or convince yourself it is.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a widely studies phenomenon. Articles about it such as this one, this detailed one on the process, and this quiz, are all good resource for you to check out.

You explaining your version to her when she feels threatened by what happened is not going to help. A person who feels threatened and afraid of someone who has broken ties with them isn’t looking to be told how inaccurate their memory is of the situation. Being told that they are wrong about what they are feeling, don’t have a need to protect themselves, and were really the person at fault for causing it is exactly the kind of approach that tries to shift blame rather than taking responsibility for your part in it.

The “c-word” is verbal violence and part of exactly what is studied when they look at intimate partner violence. What you’ll need to focus on is your verbally abusive reaction — not her response and your interpretation of what happened. Trying to convince her she is wrong for protecting herself, that your interpretation of what happening is more accurate, and that she blacked out don’t get to what you need to do to help yourself and future relationships. The primary work on your side of the coin is to figure out what your other options are and what you can do to exercise them when there is a heated argument. How can you control your verbally abusive language during an argument? What prevented you from getting out of the car when you were punched rather than your reaction? These two things are where the work is — not trying to convince her that she is wrong for protecting herself because she blacked out.

I’d highly recommend you check out your reactions in individual therapy. The Find Help tab at the top of the page can help you find someone in your area who specializes in anger management.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Insecure Only in Relationships

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 27th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Being successful works against me because no one understands why I’m so insecure.
When it comes to school, work, finances, I feel like I have things together. Even though I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing I manage to keep things together on my own and be successful. However, when it comes to relationships, I feel handicapped. In the past 5 years I finally realized that I was physically abused, emotionally abused, neglected by my parents and I let this happen to me until the age of 21 when I finally moved out after my mom cornered me and beat me up for asking her to calm down. I always felt like I was walking in a fog, going through the motions, trying to be normal but not quite achieving it. It wasn’t until I was 24 and started to realize that I was gay that I started really connecting to my own reality and realized that I was abused. I feel like being successful works against me because everyone thinks I’m normal and such a pleasant person, but when I’m in relationships, my partners can’t handle me. They feel I’m too demanding, too needy, I make them anxious and make them want to pull away from me. They don’t understand how I’m so successful and yet so insecure. I feel so embarrassed because of this. This makes me hide my needs from everyone and avoid relationships because I think I’m defective and that no one could ever really handle me. I feel like no one sees me for who I am and only sees everything that I’m not. A couple of friends have told me to lighten up and enjoy relationships, but I can’t. I don’t want anyone to take advantage of me or to leave me, and I get scared and my heart pounds out of my chest if anything goes wrong. I was taken advantage of and emotionally abused in my first relationship, and I don’t want it to happen again. I’ve been to counselors but they seem to think I’m completely ok and that I just need to lighten up and change my thoughts. I’ve done cognitive behavioral therapy and it works well when I’m single, but in relationships it makes no difference. I feel like logic is out of the window and its a deeper issue than my thoughts. I’m so afraid someone will hurt me and I don’t trust anyone. I think I also have this need to please people, so sometimes in therapy I let the therapist take over and I feel worse after the session cause I didn’t get to really say what I wanted to. I don’t know if I’m just complaining over stupid little things and I do just need to lighten up but I’m writing because I want to know if either I’m making things too serious or if maybe I need a different kind of therapist. I started researching and I think I might have ptsd but I’m afraid to tell people that because they may think I’m over exaggerating my problems and self diagnosing which you aren’t supposed to do. I’d appreciate your feedback.

Thank you for sending in just a thought-provoking question. The issues that you are bringing to light should be brought to your therapist. The struggle for intimacy is great, and the resilience you have shown in moving toward understanding and cooping with these problems. I would elaborate with your therapist the particular struggle with trust and the history of your relationships if you haven’t done this already.

This will give you a chance to develop a bit more trust with the therapist. This is important because often the relationship we have in therapy mirrors the relationships that we long to develop. Being vulnerable, and being willing to discuss these issues is perhaps the most direct way of allowing yourself to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Brother Is Unstable

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 25th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband and I are presently living with my mother in her house for the last 10 yrs. I have a brother that moved in with us 2.5 yrs ago. Years ago he had some sort of breakdown and moved in with my parents and stayed for 4 yrs. I found some odd things on his computers. He was on some sort of online site with animals portrayed as humans. A curvy woman’s body with a sexy fox female face. I also found a small lion cub (Simba) stuffed animal with a small circular hole under the tail that was hot glued around the circle so that one could see the stuffing inside. I am guessing he was using it as a sex toy. I told my mother she asked me to call the psychiatrist he was seeing. I did he told me to get him out of the house immediately. I told my mother and she had him leave. He was laid off 2.5 yrs ago I found evidence of the same sort of behavior. This time it was a small black panther with the same odd hole under the tail and glued around, also his screensaver had a picture of a sexy woman with a fox face. I see little foxes scattered around the room he stays in. Guessing it’s his female animal of choice. I never said anything to my mother she’s been ill so I kept quiet. Lately he and I don’t get along. We (husband and I) don’t trust him. We lock our doors even if we are only outside feeding the dogs. He always lies and has already stole from us but denies it. My mother says she can’t survive without him. Rather than looking for he decided to stay here and care for our mother. She could do more for herself but he waits on her hand and foot. We got into an argument and I told her we were going to have to move I can’t stand living with him. She doesn’t want me to leave. I would like to confront him but not sure how far to push this. He’s very passive aggressive. I know I should leave but really can’t afford to and my mother wants us to stay. She may not live much longer anyway. How do I survive in the mean time? He’s creepy.

This type of situation needs to be managed. As difficult as it is to make changes in your life and your mother’s life you;’ll need to face the situation now, directly. If the psychiatrist warned the family and told you to put him out, I’d honor that advice. I would encourage you and your husband to begin a detailed discussion with your mom about what is best for all of you. The goal is to keep the dialogue going with her so you can keep helping her understand your concerns. Also, I’d be certain that your mother’s affairs are in order. It sounds like you may not be able to trust your brother and will have to deal with him even after your mom is gone.

Also, as a side note, research shows that successful aging comes for doing more things for yourself — not by being waited on hand and foot.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Two-Month-Old Marriage is Failing

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 19th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m writing in desperate need as a last resort before divorce. My husband and I were married two months from yesterday, however, our short marriage has been anything but a fairy tale. It’s like he’s two totally different people. One minute he’s really sweet to me and the next he does and says unthinkable things to me. I don’t profess to be anywhere close to perfect, however, I don’t deserve his treatment. Here are some examples:

He’s told me a lot that I am lazy and fat and puts me down a lot.

About a month ago, I thought I might be pregnant so I told him. He punched me in the stomach and said that he wasn’t having a baby and that if I did, he would always be angry about it because it would ruin his life. Luckily, I wasn’t pregnant.

One Saturday, we were out shopping and he got mad about me not wanting to do something he wanted to do and told me he’d cheated on me. He later said he didn’t cheat on me, however, he frequently tells me about all the girls who are attracted to him at work.) He also said he hoped every day that I would die on my way home from or way to work so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. He told me he wanted a divorce but then the next day he acted like nothing had happened. Sometimes when I ask him why he said or did something to me, he’ll say he didn’t know and other times he’ll act like he didn’t do or say what I’m asking about.

Last night we had a terrible fight and he told me I’m just like my family and it’s not in my DNA to be successful. I’m always going to be JUST a legal assistant. He yelled profanity at me and told me again he wants a divorce. This morning he came into where I slept (we frequently don’t sleep together) and kissed me and told me he loves me.

He likes for me to go with him to see his family, however, he never wants to go with me to see mine.

One day he got so mad that he pushed me and another time he threw my purse across the room so hard that it broke the case my glasses were in.

He never wants to have sex with me anymore and says he’s not attracted to me anymore.

He gives me one answer and then a few days later he’ll give me a completely different answer and act like I’m crazy for believing the first answer he gave or that he never even gave the first answer.

He usually gets mad when I ask him to clean up after himself, however, I work full-time just like he does and I refuse to be his mother or maid.

He’s very self-centered (always tells me how good-looking he is and flexes in front of the mirror a lot) and considers HIS money HIS (He’s always wanted to have separate accounts for our money.) He expects me to pay him every penny I “owe” him for my part of our rent and bills or if I have to borrow money from him, however, if he owes me money, he gets mad when I ask him for it. He has even told me I am sad and deserve nothing and he was embarrassed for me.

He tells me how much smarter and better he is than me.

He drinks beer every day and sometimes even before I wake up in the morning on the weekends. He’s also addicted to tobacco which I can’t stand. I don’t know if the alcohol makes him act the way he does sometimes or not.

I want to stay with him, but I just don’t feel like it’s ever going to get any better. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to go to therapy with me, however, he isn’t willing. Do you have any idea why he might act the way he does? Do you believe we have a chance?

I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think you have a prayer of saving this marriage without sacrificing yourself. I don’t know why your husband is this way. Frankly, I don’t care. What I care about is that you are being treated so badly. This guy doesn’t want a partner, he wants someone he can subjugate and control. Don’t believe the apologies. Don’t believe the times he is sweet. He is manipulating you and gradually taking away your self-respect. The time he punched you when you thought you were pregnant should have been the last straw for you.

Get out. Get out now. Check out this website for information about where help is available near you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Suicidal and Need Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 17th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not sure what to do. I’m severely suicidal and have attempted to kill myself 7 months ago and can’t stop thinking about doing it again. I did see a therapist before but didn’t find she helped me at all. She told me my problems weren’t that bad and when I told her I wanted to kill myself and that no one would care she said, why don’t you try it and find out. She also said she didn’t want to see me anymore until I had a job, so that’s why I stopped going to her. I’ve been unemployed for over 3 years now and the job I did have was the first job I ever had, and they fired because of my depression. I’ve been trying the last few months to get another job and I did have an interview and almost had the job, but they hired someone else. I am finding it very hard to deal with being suicidal, unemployed, depressed and I also have social anxiety. Another thing is when I was between the ages of about 3 or 4 until I was 12, a relative who was 2 years older than me used to do sexual things to me and I’ve always had a hard time dealing with that. I’ve never really talked about it before, it did come up once in therapy but my therapist said that it was normal for kids to do that. I won’t go into details of what he did, but I know it was not normal behaviour. I want to start therapy again with a different therapist, but it scares me because I feel and always felt like my problems aren’t bad enough to warrant going to therapy. I just don’t know what to do besides trying to kill myself again.

It is completely unacceptable and unethical to tell a client who is considering suicide to “try it and find out.” I do not know of an instance of that ever happening with any therapist that I personally know or know of.

It is wise to consider seeing a new therapist. The fact that you have suicidal thoughts is concerning and a sign that help is needed. Suicide is never the answer. There are many competent therapists who could help you.

Depression, in the past, was more difficult to treat. Today it is treated with great success. You are going through a difficult period in your life. It is quite common for each of us to have these difficult, troublesome periods. While we are having these painful times in our lives, it is common to assume that they will never end. Please remember that they do end. I have written here before about survivors of suicide attempts. The overwhelming, vast majority are very happy that their attempt failed. They realized the value of life and found the happiness that had been denied them.

I often advise those searching for psychological help to call at least four or five therapists. You want to essentially interview therapists over the phone to find out how they would help you. Discuss your problems and ask specific questions about how they would help. Make an appointment with those with whom you feel the most comfortable. It might take some time to find a good therapist but it is worth your effort. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Psychopathic Behavior as a Child

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 15th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am looking for some insight on a very personal matter that no body knows about me. Not even my parents. I have seen numerous posts on reddit that detail early signs and symptoms of psychopathy and I’m just a bit concerned. I do by no means believe I am a psychopath but I am aware that I may be a bit more prone to mental illness (My granddad and Aunt were Manic Depressive). I know I should seek proper counseling and not ask questions online but I’m curious to hear your opinions on the matter.
What it boils down to are my actions as a child. It began even before my stepfather (who played a huge role in my teenage turmoil) came in to my life. I have a memory (it grows weaker by the day) of being around 4-5 years old and sadistically chasing my mums canaries around a room with a hammer. Although I don’t remember killing them I do remember running around the room with the hammer and also when my mum asked me what happened to them. I asked her about this recently and she said she cant remember anything. The next instance was when I was 9 years old. My Stepfather had a baby boy with my mum. There were multiple occasion where I would twist his arm to make him cry, the crying would irritate me and I would twist it more because of this. Unfortunately I broke his arm one time (This my parents found out about of course). I don’t want any judgement on this please. The baby was only maybe 8 months old and of course I am disgusted by what I did but I’m looking for insight not j
udgement. The last sadistic behavior I remember was at about 10-11 years old. One of my cats gave birth to 4 kittens and I am pretty sure I caused the death of all four. I would be in the room on my own and I would press down on their stomachs to make them squeal. Although they never died on the spot they passed away pretty quickly and I am sure I caused some major internal injuries.
I remember some of the moments very clearly but what I remember mostly was the guilt. In particular when my brother would scream in pain I would have the feeling wash over me instantly and I would keep doing it for some reason. It was the same feeling I got from telling him that his mam and dad weren’t ever coming back (Parents gone in to the shop, me and brother in the car)
I will finish up by saving that I consider my self a normal young adult right now. I have some issues with anxiety but I put that down to smoking grass. But I’m just wondering if this behavior as a child could manifest itself again in my later years when my mental health starts to deteriorate.
P.S I have a great relationship now with my family and stepfather who actually provided my mum with two more kids after this. They mean the world to me so I’m curious as to where this behavior stemmed.

I don’t think there are easy answers to your questions. Part of the problem in providing a definitive answer is that memory is fallible. Your first memory is fading and cannot be corroborated by your mother. Therefore, it may not have actually happened.

Your childhood behaviors are concerning, but they may not be indicative of psychopathy. There are many reasons why children behave the way they do. You could’ve been acting out of frustration or curiosity. It’s important to remember that children and adults are very different. Children are not mini-adults. Developmental science supports that view. Children are still developing and maturing and therefore are held to a different standard than adults. Children, who commit crimes, are typically adjudicated under laws that apply to children and receive a much less severe punishment than when adjudicated as an adult. They are held less responsible because they are less responsible.

Psychopathy is not a diagnosis that can be found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5), the book that mental professionals use to diagnose mental health disorders. If psychopathy is suspected in adulthood, they might receive the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. If psychopathy is suspected in childhood, a diagnosis of conduct disorder may be given. Conduct disorder represents a group of behavioral and emotional problems including: aggression to people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness, theft, and violating parental and societal rules. Simple displaying one of these behaviors would not be enough to warrant a diagnosis of conduct disorder.

The fact that your problematic behaviors have faded is a good sign. There’s also evidence that you felt guilt. Psychopaths typically don’t feel guilt.

You may never know why you did what you did but thankfully those problems seem like a thing of the past. However, there is one concern that you seem to be minimizing, which is the anxiety associated with marijuana use.

Recreational marijuana use is becoming more acceptable but that doesn’t make it any safer. Anecdotally, I receive many letters from people who smoke marijuana and have developed a host of negative symptoms including anxiety and derealization. Scientific studies have indicated that marijuana use increases the possibility of psychosis. Continuing to use marijuana is risky. It can be difficult to stop using drugs. You might consult a therapist who can help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I Have Thrown out my Parents?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 8th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I inherited a house I lived in for 12 years with my family, from my grandpa for taking care of him until his death. My parents constantly state that I stole the house from them.

My father lost his job and they moved in with us. They constantly verbally abuse me front of my children calling me improper names. My brother also moved in with his PitBull who attacked my 12 year old daughter and killed her guinea pig front of her. It took me 3 hours to calm her and my parents response was it was my daughters fault for holding her pet. I asked my brother to remove the dog.

We took my daughter on vacation so she can rest from he trauma; I asked my parents to please make sure the dog’s belonging is gone when we return. It was not; therefore I asked my father why very nicely and he attacked me. I had 5 witnesses and he swore that I will never be able to keep my house he will make sure of it. I asked him to leave the house and never came back. This is not the only time he has treated me this way. He hit me until I was 21 and when I was pregnant he cursed my child in my stomach hoping she would die front of strangers on the street. My mom also blames me for how my brother turned out. She says it is all my faoult because when I was 16 I worked too much instead of raising him right while she was at work.

I know I am abused but they always make me feel guilty and I forgive them. This time I am protecting my children who I raise with love and respect. Did I do the right thing by throwing my parents out? Also, I never asked my brother to leave but he broke many things in the house and told me he never wants to see us again. Should I report the incident to the police? Pitt-bull attack and vandalism?

A: Please listen to your own good sense. You are living in an environment of domestic violence. Just because these people are related to you does not, not, not mean that they are entitled to abuse you emotionally, verbally, and physically. You have been worn down to the point that you can no longer see clearly how badly you are being treated and you accept the blaming and shaming. You have nothing to apologize for! The abuse is now being extended to your daughter. Let the tiger-mom in you come out. She needs your protection.

You can’t just tell these people to leave. They will make you miserable. They’ve already shown they are capable of violence. You need support and legal help to separate you from this family safely. Please look at this website to learn how to go about getting the help you need.

If your family has access to this computer, delete this message and your inbox history and use the computer at your library or at a friend’s house to explore your options.

These people are dangerous. Protect yourself and your daughter.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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