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I Hurt Myself for Attention, Lie a Lot, and Have Anxiety

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 27th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve cut, burned, and bruised myself more times than I can count for attention from others. I also made up a stalker who anonymously sends me hateful messages. It’s really just me sending them to myself. I try to stop doing it because it pushes people away when they can’t deal with it anymore, but I’ve been doing it for years. I love when people tell me what my “;stalker” says isn’t true. It makes me feel better about myself. I lie a lot. Sometimes, it’s over stuff that doesn’t even matter. I don’t even know why I lie sometimes. It just happens. I’m not sure if I have an actual anxiety disorder or if I’m just a naturally anxious person, but when I try to go to sleep, all I can focus on is the feeling in my stomach. I toss and turn for hours. I get anxious about stuff that logically makes no sense. I am extremely shy and awful at making friends. I constantly need reassurance in every friendship. I have never been in a relationship. I can’t even imagine trusting someone that much. I will probably be single the rest of my life. I have awful trust issues that stem from some pretty serious issues with my father who betrayed my trust when I was ten years old. I never got counseling for what happened and I definitely needed it because it completely destroyed me. I had a rough childhood. I need constant reassurance in my friendships to make sure I’m not a bad friend, but most of the time, the reassurance does not even help. I feel like a worthless friend, and I honestly am because there is not a single person I haven’t lied to. In order to make up for me being such a terrible friend, I try to help everyone with all of their problems. I can’t say no and that increases my anxiety. I try to solve everyone’s problems even when I can’t. I want to be there for everyone, even if we aren’t close friends. A lot of people confide in me. My anxiety keeps getting worse. Honestly, I’m terrified I’m crazy. What is wrong with me? I should be happy. I’m on a full ride to my first choice college. I have friends and family who cares about me.

I think it is very brave of you to be vulnerable enough to write this email. Since you are at a university it is time for you to get the counseling that you need for coping with and surviving a rough childhood. Now is the time to sort through the need for so much attention, the lying, and making up the stalker.

When people we should have been able to trust betray us it causes us to challenge our way of being. Much of what you are coping with is likely to have come from the difficulties in childhood. The university typically has very good therapists on staff who can help you sort all of this through.

You’ve taken a big step here by writing the email. I encourage you to take the next step and talk to a counselor at your school.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Terrified of Past Paranoia Resurfacing

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. September 26th, 2024
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

To start, I should explain I’ve always been rather imaginative, a trait which hasn’t been lost as I’ve matured. I could think things into being, see the future, and I’d caused the death of my grandfather by picking up a penny which’d been facing tails-up. Mind you, I was well into high school and still find clues and symbolism where I know they certainly don’t reside. But these do me no harm, really. The most harmful of these was an obsession with my weight. The fear of becoming fat slowly morphed to the fear that I was already fat and my perception was warped, which soon escalated to the accusation that everyone else was keeping what I really looked like from me, frequently dropping hints as a sot of inside-joke. The size on my trousers had been changed as well-an idea I knew was impossible, yet still entertained. Needless to say, I became obsessive over the intake and burning of calories. Then, a couple years later, a light clicked and I realized how delusional I was. Mind you, the weaning process was slow and steady-it took months before I could drink juice without becoming anxious-but self-awareness is the first step to recovery. I’m learning, unfortunately, that this is an issue which doesn’t simply disappear. As of late, I’ve become aware of those same vain whispers. They are beginning to resurface and though they aren’t as loud as before, they seem to be getting harder to ignore. In October of last year, my family and I went on a picnic, to which I wore a sort-of-midriff. When my mother sent me the pictures she’d taken, I had so much anxiety I cried. It was such a dreadful panic. I thought I was over my fear of weight-gain, but something as simple as a picture set me off. Logically, I know I’m thin, yet I can’t fully convince myself. These thoughts have been building, and I’ve been trying to ignore them, but it isn’t working. I’m so terrified of this fear regaining its strength and avoid activities or clothes which may trigger the anxiety. How might I put an end to this before it becomes severe? (age 20, from US)

Thank you for writing in with your concerns. You have provided a lot of detail but you did not mention if you have ever sought professional help. It sounds like you have just worked on your issues through your own self-awareness and efforts to make personal changes, and it sounds like you have had some success with this approach.

However, since the issues are resurfacing, I feel that it would be best for you to seek help at this point. You describe paranoid/delusion thinking but I’m also concerned that you have developed an eating disorder. In either case, a therapist can diagnose what is really going on and help you develop a treatment plan. You don’t have to deal with this alone. You have already taken the first step by reaching out, it’s time to take the next one by seeking help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Question Regarding the Current Method Of Psych. Proceedings

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 18th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been restarting psychotherapy. I have been having a psychiatrist(meds.) for a while now. I started and stopped a year ago. I have been back at it since about February. Every type of medication works for a short while and then stops or causes me side effects (such as shaking, feeling even more depressed and having More mood swings….) –all of this happens in less than 2 months, Everytime!! (I do the first 3 weeks to adjust for all)

So, during my last appointment(on Zoom), I asked if it were possible for me to start my therapy as I’ve been with them for nearly 6 months now; I also wanted to know if it were possible for me to STOP any new meds.

I want to know what I can say/do. I told her that I am possibly pregnant; she just searched up the med. and told me that they won’t affect me until third trimester.

I was born disabled and don’t want ANY Meds. in my system!! I also don’t want to become addicted. My pain meds. barely work as well and I have to take them every day. I don’t need something else messing with my system and causing anything new and wrong!!

She just told me that I Have to Do BOTH(psych. AND Therapy). I just want to cancel out psych, as they gave me a choice in the beginning.

There is basically, only ONE facility that I can go to and this place is Always changing out doctors as they continue to leave; One reason I decided to stop in the first place.

I mean, I DO have a Right as a Patient to choose my method of help, right?? But will I get in trouble with anyone else for deciding to stop All medications?? I just won my SSDI case(they wanted to say I wasn’t disabled anymore because I turned 18). This is recent and although everything is still new, will removing my medication so soon affect me??

I don’t want to Have to LIE to them(psych.) and just have my pills sitting in a drawer and my record being falsefied….

Anyways, What can I do? What can I say?

If pregnant, I don’t want ANY New meds., no matter how LOW they try to make the side effects seem!!
All she was worried about was scheduling a therapy appointment and telling me to use Protection. It made me feel as though she just wants to earn her pay by adding another patient who isn’t allowed to leave. (If you could understand what I mean) THANK YOU FOR READING!! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!! (From the USA)

I can certainly understand your desire to refuse medical treatment and yet want the psychotherapy. While the mainstream standard is typically to use a combination of medicine and psychotherapy together for the best results, there is also emerging evidence that some psychotherapy approaches may work better than this treatment as usual as these references on positive psychotherapy will attest to. On the other hand, there are legal rights that you should become familiar with in both your state and as a patient being cared for.

Naturally, I can’t give you medical advice, but I am certain that a physician had to evaluate you for your Social Security Disability Insurance claim. It might be worth it to contact him or her and explain your situation to see what might be recommended.

Also, the fact that you are pregnant means that you can get the opinion of the OBGYN specialist to weigh in on helping you with the medicine decision. You could also ask to be reevaluated by someone else at your clinic who might see the risk during the final trimester as evidence enough for them to honor your request.

In any case, I strongly recommend you find medical help to help you safely come off the medicine. You don’t want to do something unknowingly that might be dangerous or difficult. A medical opinion on this is essential.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Feeling Like a 24-year-old Deadbeat

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 13th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am writing to you for help. Almost every day, I am overcome with feeling of doom. A dull, gray doom in my belly. And with good reason– I’m 24 years old and I just can’t get the hang of life.

I’ve had severe social anxiety since I was a little girl– this feeling of intense aversion to social interaction has been with me literally since pre-school. I’ve been treated with medications of all sorts for 8 years now. I’ve had 2 regular CBT therapist with whom I had regular meetings, but that ended when I lost my health insurance. Additionally, I have been hospitalized for depressive episodes, and gone to in-patient clinics, as well as a 4-month long “dialectical behavior therapy” program.

But every time I think I might be getting better, it all comes crashing down. I’ve enrolled in and dropped out of 4 different colleges. I couldn’t find a way to fit in or summon the energy to go to class, and I could not life my mood enough to succeed.

Now I have a job that I generally enjoy, at a small business run out of my boss’s home. There could not be a less stressful job, I make awesome money, and I love my boss… but I keep not showing up to work for weeks at a time. This happened once last December (2 weeks absence), then again in March (1.5 weeks absence), and now last week I could not go in either. God knows how I still have the job– I think my boss bad for me, I know she cares about me, plus, as I said, it’s a really small place with no real attendance policy.

But I feel so guilty I’m sick about it. I know this is unacceptable, but I just feel.. doom.

But this time I think it’s the last straw with work. I just could not go to work. I don’t understand it– when I skip work, all I do is wallow and watch game shows, but at the time it feels like that small amount of solitude and peace is worth the trouble of yet another unexplained absence.

I could not blame her for firing me, if she does, but I’m terrified of confrontation. How can I just show up on Monday knowing there’s another “talk” waiting for me? I cry at the slightest negative remark about my behavior, even if I’m guilty of it. I am so timid it’s embarrassing.

I have a boyfriend and we live together and I love him, so that’s good. I have a supportive family. But I just feel like it’s really time for me to come into my own– I’m already 24! Yet I remain paralyzed and ashamed, anxious and unhappy. I can’t give up and quit my job, but I might have to, but I’ll never be able to get another job, especially in the public sphere, even though I have in the past… I’m so embarrassed because I was a top student in high school, I was supposed to have a bright future. But for some reason, I totally crumbled.

I know you will say that I should get back into therapy but what about in the short term? I am on antidepressants, my psychiatrist really listens to me, but they just don’t help– I can’t stop this lethargic, shameful, self-centered lifestyle. Please don’t think ill of me or that I am being whiny and that I need to grow up– I know I do. I just can’t quell this behavior; I’m not even sure I know what’s going on.

Please help me. Your words would mean so much. Thanks for reading.

I would characterize the way you describe yourself and your situation as harsh and hypercritical. It is unlikely that you would think this harshly of a friend or a family member in a similar predicament. You most likely would have more sympathy for others than you have for yourself. I have sympathy for the fact that you are truly suffering; I would suggest adopting this personal attitude towards yourself.

It is important to understand that having a mental health disorder is not your fault. It does not make you “self-centered” or “whiny.” You also should not feel “shameful.” Just like people do not choose to have cancer, people do not choose to have a mental illness. You are clearly not choosing your way of life. You are desperately trying to improve your life but are having difficulty. If you could help yourself out of this distressful situation, you would.

It also seems as though you are comparing yourself to other individuals your age and concluding that you are in essence a failure, “a 24-year-old deadbeat” to use your words. This is an unfair comparison. As you mentioned, you have been struggling with a mental health disorder since you were a child. You are comparing yourself to people who likely do not have depression or anxiety. Everyone’s situation is unique to their specific life circumstances. No two people have the same set of life circumstances, therefore a comparison of this nature will always be inaccurate.

You are having difficulty identifying the problem and knowing how to treat it. You correctly speculated that I would suggest returning to therapy. You have tried counseling on several occasions without success but that doesn’t mean you should give up trying. Finding the right therapist could make a major, positive difference in your life. The alternative is to do nothing and to continue suffering. Those would not be wise choices. Knowing you have a mental illness and deciding not to treat it is akin to learning of a cancer diagnosis and refusing chemotherapy.

What can you do in the short term? Ask for referrals and recommendations from friends and family. Ask your psychiatrist to recommend highly qualified therapists that have a track record of successfully treating depression and anxiety disorders. Another idea is to call at least 5 to 10 therapists and speak to them about your problem. Ask them specifically how they would help you and in addition ask if they have treated others in similar situations and to describe the outcomes of those cases. Make an appointment with the therapist who you feel the most comfortable with over the phone.

You should also surround yourself with supportive individuals. Fortunately you have supportive friends and family. Do not hesitate to utilize their support during this difficult time. Spend as much time with them as possible.

As for your job, you may want to speak to your boss about this situation. It seems as if she is an understanding individual. She may sympathize with your situation and suggest a short leave of absence. Your honesty with her may help to save your job. A leave of absence would afford you time to focus on your treatment. You may also be eligible for family medical leave. The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) is a federal law that allows employees to take a leave of absence for up to 12 weeks (usually unpaid) to care for an ill loved one or to “take care of one’s own serious health condition.” You could read more details about FMLA here.

I hope this answer is helpful. Please consider writing back and letting me know how you are doing. I hope to hear back from you in the future. I wish you well.

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Anxiety Is Ruining My Life

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 11th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in the U.S.: Since around the age of 10 years old to now, it feels as if my anxiety has been a building pressure in my mind. At first in the very back of my thoughts, and now seeping into every second of my life. Conscious or not.

When I’m driving, when I’m watching Netflix, when I’m in the bathroom. Even when I’m asleep. The slightest bit of stress and anxiety is enough throw me into a panic attack and it feels like a spiraling, uncontrollable rollercoaster ride with no end in sight. It’s incredibly frustrating and leaves me feeling hopeless and like I’ll always be like this.

Now, I’m sure there are many reasons for this irrational anxiety. My early childhood sibling abuse, my molestation by another girl when I was 8, a year of bullying in the 5th grade, being separated from my older sister – who I had always been with my whole life and my closest friend, the countless times where someone I trusted and gave my all for would let me down. The list goes on.

Sometimes I feel too broken to fix myself. The thing that has pushed me to seek advice today is my panic attacks. Specifically, my night terrors have been escalating. Increasing in intensity and frequency. I’ll jump in the night and yell for my sister, tell her i’m dying and eventually fall asleep if I’m lucky, I don’t remember the next day.

There is a history of sleep talking and walking on my mother’s side. I suspect anxiety as well.

I’ve started to have a small moment of intense panic daily. I can’t cope, I can’t lie down to sleep because I’m afraid of freaking out. I often panic when trying to sleep. I hate driving because I’m afraid I’m gonna have a freak out in the middle of a highway.

I’ve tried calming myself with different tactics. Grounding myself – grabbing onto what’s real around me chanting “You’re okay. You’re okay” to myself. Looking like a loon. Or trying to imagine a calming, safe place to pull myself into. I can almost never calmed down completely by myself and I call to my sister. Usually randomly telling her I love her or asking her to tell me I’m okay.

I NEED someone else to soothe me and it drives me crazy. I’m not how I am supposed to be – and I know it. When I panic it’s like I change into a 6 year old version of myself that doesn’t know how to breath anymore.  Why can’t I control my own mind? I honestly feel like I’ve gone crazy sometimes. This hopelessness is not only sad and scary, it’s isolating. I scare myself.

What a hard way to live! This sounds so scary and painful! I’m am very, very glad you wrote.

What you are describing is consistent with a diagnosis of a panic disorder. This is different from an isolated panic attack. Your experiences of anxiety are happening frequently. If a panic disorder is untreated, it can severely limit one’s life. Often a person starts being intensely afraid of having another attack, which ironically brings it on.

It’s a good idea to seek medical advice because sometimes what looks like a panic disorder is in fact a signal that something medical is amiss. So do see your doctor. Bring your letter with you to help your doctor understand the intensity of the problem.

If you are medically okay, then please see a counselor who specializes in anxiety disorders. Panic disorder is extremely difficult to manage on your own. You deserve to get the attention that will give you relief.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Stuck in My Own House

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 9th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Firstly, thanks for whom takes your precious time to help me out.

Since birth, I rarely leave my house; only if in very need. As a result, now with 28 years old, I have never had a single girlfriend in my life and spend a full time day in my house only talking with my mom. With such loneliness I suffer now from a massive depression.

Tried to find relationships online, but only found sexual deviants that only wants you to make sex; the mental healthy people that I am looking for simply aren’t there.

Being alone I find no will or purpose to leave my home just by myself since when visiting places I don’t have nobody to share feelings and thoughts. I feel intense envy looking to other people in group or couples, as well.

Also, when living in the top homicidal country which is Brazil, I feel constant fear of being killed in a assault on the streets. That way I keep myself avoiding leaving my house more and more to the point of a hermit.

While other group social activities like college to meet new people, I tend to avoid after being mild bullied in school times. I don’t have any sort of social phobias, just don’t want to endure a possible bullying scenario in a college and pay expensive for it just to find someone to talk when life can offer me other happier options to socialize.

It has been like this for 12 years. Stuck in my house talking to myself only. No will to do nothing; just meet a special one.

Tried some therapists, but they don’t know quite how to help me. I am scared. Thank you!

Knowing “why” someone engages in a behavior is often helpful. At first, you might not have left your home because of habit. Your habitual behavior might have evolved into a phobia. Fear seems to be the root of your problem.

You mentioned your living in a dangerous country, as one reason for not leaving your home but this may be a rationalization. The vast majority of people who live in Brazil are aware of the crime problems, but they still leave their homes. If it’s safe enough for them to leave their homes, then it’s safe enough for you. It is always safer to stay at home, but much of the good that life has to offer lies outside your door. Playing it too safe, means one is not really living and I think you have described the quality of your life as being exactly that way.

You’re frightened of going outside of your comfort zone. You avoid doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. These are common experiences among people with anxiety disorders, particularly those with phobias.

When you think about leaving your home and become frightened and then decide against leaving, you have given into your fear. Each time that happens, your fear is being reinforced and strengthened. Your fear has probably grown stronger over time because it’s being reinforced. That will continue to happen unless you address this problem.

You could eradicate your fear by engaging in the very things that frighten you the most. In your case, that would be leaving your home even when you’re frightened, uncomfortable and don’t want to do it. I don’t suggest you try that without the assistance of a mental health professional.

Counseling is the ideal solution to this problem. You’ve tried several therapists but you should keep trying until you find one who can help you. Choose a therapist who specializes in avoidance behaviors and phobias. There are therapeutic solutions to this problem and it’s very curable. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Can’t Get My Dad to Listen to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 6th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My Dad and I usually get on quite well. We have a lot in common, but whenever he cooks or cleans he doesn’t do the job properly. For instance, he won’t wash his hands before cooking or clean the sides down properly. I’m generally not that bothered by germs but everyone knows the basics of hygiene in the kitchen. I try to tell him that he should wash his hands, but he just get annoyed, and makes some excuse like he’s ‘thinking about other things’. 9 times out of 10 he doesn’t do the washing up properly either eg. there will still be oil on the frying pan. So when I try to do it or I tell him that it’s unclean he just gets irritated and says “your being rather annoying now” when I’m just trying to makes sure my sister and I get a healthy meal in a clean kitchen. My mum usually makes sure that the kitchen and everything else is clean but she’s away seeing her parents because my grandma’s going into surgery soon. Now my dad’s left with us he just seems incapable of doing even basic chores. I can’t keep pestering him but he doesn’t learn. It could be that he listens to my mum or that she does it usually and dad hasn’t had to do the washing up more than once every few days. I think it’s a bit of both.

I don’t know what to so because I try to help and do things so my dad doesn’t have to because it must be stressful for him with mum away but I can’t do everything. I’m just trying to look after my sister and making sure both her, me and my dad have a nice clean house to live in. The worst thing would be that my mum comes home to a bomb site of a house with plate piled up from dinner two nights ago. I just feel like it’s my responsibility to look after my family while mum’s away but I can’t seem to get through to my dad. What do you think the problem is and what should I do? Thanks (From London)

It isn’t your responsibility to look after the whole family while your mom’s away. Everyone needs to do their part — and it sounds like you are acting more like a mom than a daughter with your father. I would ask how you can help him rather than only try to help on your own. At dinner time you might be better able to influence if you did it by example rather than telling him what to do. Ask how you can help and wash your hands as you invite your dad to do so as well. Everyone is under stress while your mom is gone — don’t feel you have to answer for everyone and everything — just do your part.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Brief Episodes of Psychosis?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 2nd, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, this has been bothering me for quite some time. I am looking to get some clarity about some major psychological symptoms I suffered from in the past which actually became alleviated on there own. Now in hindsight I’m wondering what happened. I am a 36yr old female. When I was between the ages of 11-19 my home life was incredibly tumultuous and stressful. Not surprisingly, I suffered from insomnia and from 16-19 began taking a fair amount of Melatonin to try and get my sleep cycle back in order – which didn’t work. All of my symptoms only came on at night – not when I was sleeping but the house was quiet and everyone else in bed. I would have auditory hallucinations of people talking in the attic above me or outside my window. Always just low enough so I couldn’t make out what they were saying but loud enough that I was absolutely positive someone was there. I was also incredibly paranoid about people breaking into my house (and thinking I would hear people breaking in) which would lead me to be up and down all night checking out sounds and checking doors to make sure they were locked. This went on almost every night for months at a time over several years. Eventually, I moved out, began to create healthy limits with my family and the symptoms subsided. Aside from a few episodes of sleep-walking, everything was pretty normal until I was about 27-29. I moved into a house with my not-yet husband and was unhappy at my job but the stress was nowhere near the level of my previous home life. Again, the symptoms resurfaced. I wasn’t sleeping. I was stay awake or sit up in bed for hours because I kept thinking I heard people breaking into the house. I was hearing noises and get up again and again all night checking things out, only to have no signs of anything amiss. Eventually, the symptoms subsided, I quit my job and haven’t had these symptoms since. Yes, I do have a history of mental illness in the family – Bi-polor disorder, schizo-affective disorder and major anxiety disorders. Can someone explain what may have been happening to me? I appreciate this so much.

I doubt seriously that anyone could, with certainty, explain the cause of the events that you have described in your letter. Though I cannot conclusively explain the cause, I may be able to add some insight as to the possible cause. First of all, according to your letter these events only happened at night when the rest of the household was sleeping. This tells me that, in all likelihood, you were also trying to sleep or at least in a time period designated for sleep.

When we are awake we are conscious and when we are asleep we are unconscious. That would be simple enough if it were a binary system or a digital system where conscious was a one and unconscious was a zero but instead it is an analog system. If we think of consciousness as a one and unconsciousness as a zero, an analog system tells us that there are an infinite number of points between one and zero. There is a 1.0 and a .99 and a .999 and a .099, etc. In other words, there are many states between conscious and unconscious. These states are generally known as altered states of consciousness. You can think of a state of meditation, or hypnosis as an altered state of consciousness. An altered state is a mixture of the conscious mind and the unconscious mind. As you are very well aware, dreaming occurs during sleep and is a product of the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is more than capable of producing every sight, every sound, every smell, every feeling and to produce these with the realism that at times seems actually more than real. Almost everyone has had a nightmare that was so real, so terrifying that they stayed up the rest of the night so as not to take a chance at returning to the same dream.

You stated in your letter that these events occurred during two specific periods in your life, both of these were periods of fear or anxiety. You also mentioned difficulty sleeping during these periods. Fear or anxiety inhibits the transition from consciousness to sleep. In essence, during these periods you were not asleep nor were you awake. You were in-between sleep and full consciousness and most likely experiencing an altered state of consciousness.

I hope I’ve shed a little light on a possible cause for the experiences encountered during your sleepless nights. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Trust Issues in Relationship

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 31st, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I met my b/f in high school, we never were romantic until I was 18 and bailed due to trust issues in him, which hurt him. We talked randomly through the years and both had things in life happen. I grew up and accepted life, the past and change in people. He does not and resents the past a lot.

In 2015, we began talking again and have been together since then. We have always just connected and been able to get along with no issues. He still had issues with me from the past, but I just continued to prove myself.

In November of 2016, he asked to look through my phone to alleviate any trust issues. I knew it was wrong to do, but I said yes, because I know I have been faithful since. After 30 min of looking he found a text to my ex that was somehow saved from February 2016. My ex and I had broken up in 2015 and it had been bad for a long time and I knew I had no romantic feelings for him, but my current b/f felt otherwise.

I have never been good with break ups and even after spouts of being rude, I am a kind person and just try being nice. My text said, ” Hi, I am not going to be rude, we can talk if you want. I still feel the same for now about being together and know that upsets you.” He and I never did talk and I haven’t seen since 2015. My b/f said I betrayed him and am not trustworthy because he told me not to talk to him. He even saved the message and reads it now.

Since then he has shut me out and made me feel horrible. He states he knows I am not a bad person, am a lot of good things and he is confident I won’t do anything wrong now or in the future, but doesn’t change his mind. He doesn’t want to “leave” me, but won’t put in effort. All I have done is prove my love and loyalty, even now. I have even started going to therapy for myself. I don’t know what to do. I have never felt so strongly about someone and in 12 years have never let him go.I accept flaws, mistakes, human error and don’t judge. (From the USA)

 This issue isn’t yours to work on now. You’ve done your part, explained yourself, and your boyfriend is looking for ways to blame you. Scrolling back six months to find a text that said you didn’t want to be rude, but talking won’t change things to your ex isn’t cause for breaking up — unless you want it to be. Your boyfriend found something he wanted to find. Rather than see it for what it was, a statement of disengagement from your ex, he took it as a sign of betrayal. His insecurity, jealousy, and vulnerability has the best of him.

I’d be clear that he will either have to trust you or not, but that the issue is his to solve — not yours. If he can deal with it, that is great. If he can’t, don’t waste more of your time trying to prove yourself. He will find something to think he is being betrayed even when it isn’t the case.

If you want to offer going to couples therapy, I think that would be a very open gesture, but this may be something your boyfriend might want to try tackling on his own. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have Constantly Conflicting Views

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 29th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 13 year old in the U.S.: Hi, I don’t know if I’m too young for this, but I’ve always had trouble determining what I truly believe in. Almost all of my actions, thoughts, and beliefs conflict with one another. Sometimes talking to people is easy while other times it’s impossible. Sometimes I’m unbelievably emotional while other times I just can’t seem to understand people. I always considered this normal and human, especially for someone my age, but it’s gotten to the point where I honestly can’t tell the difference between what I really believe in and what I think I do.

In general, I’m often unsure of myself and don’t know how to interpret something, mostly my own thoughts. For example, I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever developed a crush with anyone since I really don’t know what that would feel like. This mainly becomes an issue when my morals change drastically, switching between a very normal view-point and something completely different from the usual.

I don’t know how to say it, but there are times when I just don’t understand myself. It’s like I’m a different person. I’m constantly changing beliefs, moods, and personalities to the point where I don’t know what I really am like. I’m good at hiding it, however, so no one ever believes me or takes me seriously. I can’t even take a simple personality quiz without sitting there thinking about what I really am.

I’ve always heard that it’s normal for teenagers to be questioning themselves, but I’m the only kid I know that downright questions their personality. It’s not too much of an issue now, but what if this continues when I grow older? I’m just tired of constantly questioning myself.

I’ve wondered what would happen if I died, but more on a philosophical view. I’ve never actually considered it, and I’ve never experienced any major trauma in my life. I have a habit of repeatedly washing my hands and preferring to have things organized, but sometimes I don’t care. I also find myself being very sensitive to textures. For example, if I see a sharp or rough surface, even if it’s in a picture, I want to touch it. Once again, there are days when this doesn’t happen at all.

What should I do? Is this normal? How can I tell my parents and friends so they take me seriously?

Your letter shows you to be a very sensitive young woman who is asking the very big philosophical questions. In addition, you do apparently have a tendency to be somewhat obsessive. That’s a combination that leads to the kind of thinking you talk about in you letter.

Please — Quit taking personality quizzes! They are, at best, a crude indicator. For a 13 year old with your questioning mind, such quizzes are not going to be helpful. In fact, they may only confuse you further.

I suggest you relax. In fact, I think you should approach your questions with curiosity and interest, not judgment and worry. Live your life. Find something to do that contributes in some way to making life better for others. Treat your body well by getting good sleep, eating well and getting some kind of daily exercise. Chances are, your questions and feelings will settle down on their own if you give them a rest.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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PTSD From Plant Closing?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 25th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been suffering from many of the symptoms of PTSD, but have never been in a situation in any of the outlines. I did spend close to two years working in a plant that was closing. I was in a position that dictated the schedule of the dismantling of the physical plant and had to deal with the people that were losing their jobs. People I worked with many years, some went peacefully others struggled to hang on then became angry and destructive. Since this time I have had trouble concentrating, sleeping, I feel guilty, I worry that it will happen again at my current job, I get angry for no real reason and I am jumpy as though I have been caught in the act of doing something wrong. I also went through my wife losing her job, subsequent bouts of her drinking, drugs and attempted suicide by first police threatening to shoot and then by drugs. Could I be suffering from some kind of PTSD?

PTSD commonly occurs after a traumatic event and can last for months or years after an incident occurs. If you experienced those two years of working in a closing plant as traumatic then it would be considered diagnostically “a traumatic event.” Because you perceived it as a traumatic event and due to the other symptoms that you mentioned, it is reasonable to believe that you may be suffering from PTSD.

As you mentioned in your letter, your experience was distressing. You said you worked at a plant that was closing and had to schedule the dismantling of the plant and also had to deal with people losing their jobs. As you witnessed, many of those individuals had difficultly, understandably, leaving their jobs. One thing that is not clear from your letter is whether you had worked in the plant too before you were asked to participate in the closing process.

Unfortunately, many Americans are experiencing job loss. The latest jobs report showed that unemployment rose to 6.7%, worse than previously expected.

Psychologically having a job is important and losing one’s job can be devastating. Without a job, many people feel inadequate or believe that they have nothing to offer society and subsequently become depressed. For a large majority of people, their job defines who they are; it brings meaning, organization and stability to their lives. On a pragmatic level, losing a job can mean losing health care, financial stability, the chance to retire with dignity and much more.

Many factory workers work their entire adult lives for a company. Sometimes generations of families work at the same plant. Being laid off and having to physically dismantle the plant has be extremely demoralizing. And having to witness that take place and being part of that process, as you were, understandably, has negatively impacted you, to the point where you may have PTSD.

After your experiences with the plant closing, it is understandable that you would be concerned about losing another job or have trouble concentrating, sleeping or to be angry and jumpy. You also said that your wife has recently lost her job as well as experienced some traumatic events of her own. Having to deal with all of these unfortunate events must be difficult for both you and your wife.

It’s normal to have some reaction to the events you experienced but if you continue to suffer with PTSD symptoms then you should consider seeking professional assistance. PTSD is very treatable and the treatment usually consists of either medication or psychotherapy, both of which have been found to be effective.

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time and if you can, please try to seek help. Thanks for writing and please consider writing back and letting me know how you are doing.

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Psychotic Boyfriend Who Thinks He Is a Psychopath

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 24th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, My boyfriend – who took lots of drugs and cannabis – had a psychotic crisis in March this year. He thought he was a psychopath (not a criminal one) and said lots of strange stuff. First I was OK with it then became very anxious of all that happened, i couldn’t sleep and became very tired. I didn’t have much news neither as he went back to his home country. I didn’t know how things were and became more and more anxious. Made myself movies. Read a lot about psychopaths and psychotic people on the internet and with the tiredness, not having much news I began to think I was a psychopath myself, that I am a very bad person and began to have flashes of me doing bad things to people and i got very scared so i didn’t sleep well again for weeks. Being very anxious. Sometime I am good but sometimes suddenly it comes back and I have panic attacks or very anxious time. I am very scared and it is not possible to live like that. I am scared to ask him if he still thinks he is a psychopath. I know it has never been linked with criminal stuff but I turned it into another way. I don’t know by his family if he still thinks he is. I guess he was just saying shit as he was not doing well.

But now even if my friends, family and psychologist say i am not a psychopath, i still have sometimes, when i am tired or when i have my period, much anxiousness back, images, nightmares etc. And sometimes i feel i got myself back and then it comes back. I can t detach myself from this psychopath word and convince myself I am not a psychopath !!! Being so scared .. Please tell me what you think. Of course you don’t know all the details of all that happened but what do you think ?

This could be an anxiety issue. There is a specific type of anxiety, called illness anxiety, in which people believe that they have some terrible ailment. It can persist without evidence and despite reassurances from friends, family and even mental health professionals.

If you don’t meet the criteria for psychopathy and there’s no evidence to suggest that your behavior is indicative of psychopathy, and the psychologist who evaluated you doesn’t believe that you have psychopathy, then it’s unlikely that you have psychopathy. Believing in reality is ultimately the best cure for anxiety.

Psychopathy is relatively rare. Only approximately one in 100 people is a psychopath. Psychopathy doesn’t come and go when you’re tired, anxious or menstruating. It is a chronic condition that begins in childhood. Nothing in your letter would suggest that you are a psychopath. Just because you fear it to be true does not mean that it is true. In fact, fears are often irrational and likely indicative of illogical thinking.

Mental health treatment is the best way to overcome your anxiety about having severe mental health disorders. If you believe in the facts, participate in treatment and avoid behavior that reinforces your fears, you can overcome this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Have Doubts about My Feelings and Mental State

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 13 Year old girl in the U.S.: For a long time now, I’ve have doubts about my feelings and mental state. Sometimes I feel like nobody can relate to my issues. My mother and I believe I have Anxiety Disorder. The Anxiety makes tiny tasks like speaking to a new person, getting seconds for lunch at school and even serving cake to my own family at my own birthday hard and scary.

I’ve believed for about 2 1/2 years now that the only thing I know how to feel or interpret is Fear and Anger. I know how to get mad, and I have trouble controlling anger, and obviously I know Fear as well. Other emotions like Happiness, Sadness and Love even seem as if they don’t exist in me. Countless times I’ve thought I felt happy, or truly depressed, and recently I believed twice that I loved somebody. Both times when I thought I loved, It faded and I can no longer care about them when I talk with them.

When I think I feel depressed, it seems to turn out as anger, because I never cry. It’s very difficult to move me. I don’t believe I’ve felt happiness since a long time if I ever have. I find it hard to smile when I talk with somebody, due to this I’ve become too skilled in faking emotions, and I believe it’s only part of the reason I confuse real with fake. In the end I always come to a conclusion that my mind is only trying to substitute these missing things from my head.

Recently I’ve felt like It’s getting harder to Talk to people at all. My mother is always supporting me and trying to help me, but I feel like she wouldn’t ever look at me the same if I told her that when I smile I’m just faking it, and that when I laugh at her jokes I never actually find it funny.

Even though my dad is not around, I prefer that he not be because he drinks a lot and makes no attempt to see me or spend time with me, he never really has. I have been bullied from about 6-10, but nothing serious. It really concerns me, and I want to be able to talk to my friends and family with a sincere smile. Any help or guidance is appreciated.

Whenever I hear symptoms like yours, the first thing I suggest is a visit to your medical doctor. There are many physical problems that can cause anxiety and mood changes — especially at your age. If you are still seeing a pediatrician, you might want to request a referral to an endocrinologist. It’s important not to jump to the conclusion that the problem is mental before checking out the physical. If you do have a medical problem and it isn’t attended to, it could get worse.

If are physically fine, then it would be helpful for you to see a therapist. It may be that you do have anxiety or you may be depressed. Depression doesn’t always show up as sadness. It can also show up as anger and feelings of emptiness. You also may have some unresolved issues regarding your father’s alcoholism and absence.

A therapist will be able to assess the difficulty and will make recommendations for how to treat it. Since your mother is doing her best to be supportive, it would be helpful if you included her in the appointment. With some coaching, she may be able to provide you with more helpful support.

I remind you that going for an assessment doesn’t obligate you to getting into therapy. You may or may not want to proceed. But the assessment alone may give you and your mom some new perspectives on your distressing feelings and what can be done about them.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Is My Self-Esteem Lower Now that the People Who Used to Put Me Down Are No Longer Around?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 16th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who used to tell me every single day that I am a piece of sh* and I will fail in life, grandparent who used to tell me nobody will ever love me, and a mother who would pass condescending remarks about my looks. I spent year defying their words, in words and in action, not believing them and being filled with anger and feeling of injustice that they talked to me like this. Now my mother constantly tells me how pretty I am, I have managed to get to a place in life that has always been my goal. But with every year my self-esteem is spiraling downwards, the voices that say I will fail and I amount to nothing are haunting me but I can’t find the grit from my teen years to shut them up. I don’t understand, I went through the worst full of pride and feeling of self worth despite all the nasty words and experiences and now I’m where I wanted to be and I’m crumbling under the weight of self-loathing and anxiety. I have visited therapists and can more or less manage and get out of episodes of depression and anxiety (although it takes at least a couple of weeks each time), but they keep coming back and every time another piece of my self-esteem is chipped away for good. Why was I stronger then?

It’s not so much that you were stronger then, it’s just that your mission was clear. You wanted to become the opposite of what they declared your were. I admire the grit you’ve shown — as well as the courage and persistence in correcting the issues from your family of origin. But now it’s time for a different strategy. We can only move away from something for so long before we have to start moving toward something. You have clearly demonstrated that you can be different than what your family told you, but being opposite only identifies you as not what they thought you were. It does not help define your authentic self.

It is time for you to figure out who you are and who you want to be independent of this push from your family of origin. This requires two things. The first is to find a support network to help you with this. Friends are a good place to start, but from a therapeutic point of you may find group therapy a next natural step. In group you’ll have people who will both support and challenge you in fostering your growth.

The second thing is choosing a goal that is not simply different than what your family told you. Find some part of yourself that needs to flourish and grow — and nurture that. Take some time to sample. Figuring out who you are, not just who you’re not, is the work in front of you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Falling Out of Love and Loosing a Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 13th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my husband for 7 years. We work great together, sometimes it feels like I married my best friend. However, after having a long distance relationship for about one year I find that my feelings for him are starting to fade. I am afraid that I am falling out of love. I still enjoy talking to him over Skype, but I don’t really miss him. However, he seems to miss me a lot and can’t wait to be together again.

Last time we were together we did have fun and I enjoyed his company, but the physical attraction was almost completely gone. And I hate myself for not feeling as attracted to him as he seems to feel for me.

I also start to get annoyed by things that did not use to bother me. For example, he does not follow the news or show any interest in problems in society that I love discussing.

In four months, he is moving back with me and we will be living together again. I am hoping that I can fall back in love with him, but I am not sure if it is possible. Is it? Or am I lying to myself?

Another problem is that I have become increasingly aware of a special connection with a good friend of mine. We are not exactly flirting, but during a party we shared a look that definitely was not platonic (hard to describe the tension, but it was intense). Almost right after he asked how my husband feels about moving back to my country, instead of the other way around as originally planned. Later on in the night he acted a bit off and kept telling his other friend that he might have to leave before he does something stupid.

Now, I know that just a shared look/moment should not be something to get worked up about, but I am afraid that I might be falling for him instead (obviously, not just because of that, there are many reasons).

At the same time, I would rather not risk ruining our friendship and I think he might feel the same way. The next day we both pretended like nothing happened and talked like we always do, except we both avoided keeping eye contact for too long. Now I am really afraid we might not be able to hang out like we used to. I really value our friendship and I am angry at myself for feeling something deeper than friendship for him when I am already married. I feel like I am betraying my husband emotionally.

I know these are two problems in one, but they are not unrelated. I was starting to feel like I was falling out of love before that weird moment with my friend but sharing that moment seem to have brought the issue into sharper focus.

Can I fall back in love with my husband and can I save my friendship? (From Finland)

The attraction to your friend is a symptom of the weak and unsettled feelings in your marriage. This means that you must first solve the question of whether or not your marriage is still viable. If your marriage was not in jeopardy the less-than-platonic looks would not have happened.

I didn’t read anywhere in your letter that you talked to your husband about these feelings. This is the first step. I would encourage you to talk about what’s going on so that you and he can have a chance to fix it. If he doesn’t know, he can’t do anything about it. It sounds like your marriage is least it is worth talking about. If you act on the other relationship without talking about your feelings with your husband it will still leave you unsettled. I recommend working with the couples counselor to sort these feelings through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Cannabis-Induced Problems?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 12th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. Adjustment issues, anxiety, Cannibus induced? I am a Freshman in college, just now finishing up my first year. In high school, I ran XC and track, and was an occasional pot smoker. Also, I was a popular kid, and got decent grades. However, since I’ve graduated high school, I rarely run, and smoke more pot than I ever have (about 2-3 times a week when school is in session, and almost everyday during my breaks), but still manage to maintain my grades. The summer after graduation, I started to develop anxiety and absurd, negative thoughts. For example, I started having this idea that there was some “social” cosmos, and that every action someone made, was a part of this “plan.” While smoking, I experienced some panic attacks and a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, some of which were violent. Also, after an attack, I have a self-accusation that I’m gay. However in the past, I’ve never had such thoughts of homosexuality. I have had a good history with women, and am currently seeing a girl back home. These thoughts seem to have come out of nowhere. Also, they have caused major stress, to the point where it becomes difficult to socialize, even with my best friends. I’ve felt strong feelings of insecurities and some loss of self-worth, and constantly compare myself to my father and my brother. I’ve always been a happy, out-going person, but now I feel like I’m incapable of being either.

I had been attack-free for about 3 months, however, recently I “celebrated” 4/20 by being high all day. I had one attack that day. My symptoms are the worst they’ve ever been. The most scary part is I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know if these thoughts are a product of my shift to college. Or is it the fact that I live a less healthy lifestyle, all intensified by the increase of marijuana use. Please, a little insight from a professional view is all I need to get an idea of what I need change in my life.

You only used to smoke marijuana occasionally. Then you went to college and your marijuana use increased significantly. After your marijuana use increased you stopped doing most of the activities you enjoyed. Then panic attacks started. Not only have you begun to have panic attacks, seemingly related to your use of marijuana, it also seems that you’ve developed paranoid thoughts. You’ve also developed insecurities that you didn’t used to have. You seem to be experiencing depression and an overall decrease in your psychological well-being. All this has caused you a great deal of stress.

If we look at this analytically and objectively we’d see a correlation between your increased use of marijuana and a significant decrease in your quality of life. You were an energetic teenager, who engaged in many social activities, who had a good sense of self-worth and who seemed to be relatively happy. Then you started using drugs and your life started falling apart. I hope you can see the connection between your drug use and your negative symptoms.

I cannot answer the specific question of whether the issues you are experiencing are related to stress from attending college or your use of drugs. It seems that you had some stress associated with going to college, then you started to use drugs and everything went downhill from there. I hope you can see that your use of drugs has not helped you in any way and it has significantly hurt you.

I know people believe that marijuana is not that bad of a drug. Many people think it’s a relatively safe drug to use. I’ve known many people who psychologically separated in their minds marijuana from other drugs such as cocaine, PCP etc. For them marijuana is as innocent as smoking a cigarette. The fact is that marijuana is a hallucinogenic drug. LSD is also a hallucinogenic drug. These are very serious drugs. Both of these drugs have been associated with the development of severe mental illness. There is no one known cause of severe mental illness but it’s important to note that marijuana has been linked to illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. My point in bringing this information to your attention is that by using marijuana you’re not only decreasing your quality of life but you’re essentially “playing with fire.” Marijuana can permanently alter your brain chemistry in a negative way.

I would strongly encourage you to stop using marijuana. As you mentioned in your letter the last time you used marijuana to celebrate “420” day you had a panic attack. This should be enough to tell you to stop. Your body and your brain are rejecting these drugs. It’s possible that if you never used marijuana or any other drugs again, that you may not ever have a another panic attack. Your quality of life almost certainly will improve as well.

You also mentioned that you stopped engaging in athletic activities. People who smoke marijuana often lack motivation and energy. That’s one of the side effects of the drug. Perhaps if you stopped smoking marijuana you’d have the energy to return to the activities you once enjoyed. Engaging in these activities will probably also improve your quality of life.

For your own mental health and well-being it is advisable that you stop using marijuana. The concern is that your mental health symptoms will continue or intensify. If you need help and are not sure how to stop then you should consider making an appointment at the counseling center at your college. If you stop using marijuana and get help, if you need it, then your sophomore year will be much better than your freshman year.

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Is It His Anger or Am I Crazy?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 11th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My fiance has anger problems. He has hit me, once two years ago because i put frosting on his face. The force bruised my thigh so badly that i had to cover it up for weeks. Recently there has been little things that have made me concerned about his anger again. He has yelled at our child (at the time he was 6 months) because he was crying. He left the room clearly upset because i splashed water on his face. Told him if he didn’t get the stick out of his ass i would put whip cream in his hair and he told me if i did there would be consequences to my actions.

Yesterday he bopped our child (16 months) on the cheek. It wasn’t a hard hit but it was done quickly because the child bit him. To me touching a child’s face as a form of punishment is unacceptable.

I say all that to say that he doesn’t see his anger as an issue. He stated that I am blowing things out of proportion and that “most people wouldn’t say i have anger problems”. I asked him over two weeks ago to go to counseling, he agreed to both anger management and couples- he has yet to set up an appointment. He doesn’t even have a therapist he would like to see. I kind of feel like he is doing a run around and doing chores as an excuse to not set anything up. I have brought it up multiple times and he says he still plans on doing it.

He hasn’t hit me in two years, but the littlest things set him off. Should I be concerned that he is just giving me the run around or am I actually just blowing things out of proportion?

The problem isn’t just his anger. The problem is that the two of you don’t share ideas about what is funny, what is appropriate discipline for a child, or how to get the help you need to become a solid couple and good parents. You are not behaving like a committed team. Yes, he gets angry and got physical a couple of times, which is never okay. But you are doing things that he doesn’t see as funny (the frosting and splashing episodes) and threatening him with more of the same.

You aren’t even acting as a team to find a therapist! Why are you waiting for him to make an appointment? If it’s important to you, get on the phone!

I can’t judge whether he has an anger problem on the basis of a letter. I can suggest that the two of you have work to do if your relationship is to last. I think you know that or you would be married by now. So — See a couples therapist. Commit to sticking with it long enough to get a good evaluation and to make some important changes in how you communicate with each other and how you parent. You both, and your child, deserve better than this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mother hates my possibly soon to be fiancé

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 10th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I dated a guy 2 years ago and we got to the point where we said I love you to each other. He ended up taking my virginity and then we ended up braking up on bad terms. He didn’t cheat on me. My mom found out about a year later and she decided that she hates him with all her heart and she never wanted me to see him again. At the time I had no problem with it because I forced myself to hate him so I wouldn’t get hurt even more.

With in those two years he tried to get me back many times and finally stopped last year in the early fall. I have tried to date other guys but it just didn’t feel right and I realized that it was because I still loved him. So I gave him my number on facebook to call me and he did. He was shocked that I wanted to talk to him; he never expected to hear from me again. So we talked for a while and found out that we still care about each other very much. I also found out that he is in the army and is getting deployed to Afghanistan in February.

One of the things we have talked about is getting married. I’m not sure when but probably soon. The hardest thing I have to deal with right now is trying to tell my mom that I love him very much and that we are dating. And I need to do this before July 23 of this year because I don’t want to have to lie to her about hanging out with him. I want her to not hate him anymore. I can understand her fear of us having sex again, but we have already talked about it and I told him I don’t want to again until I’m married. He is fine with that and promised not to pressure me.

I can’t see myself with anyone else. I really truly love him with all my heart and he feels the same way about me and I don’t want to get married with out my mother’s approval but I will if I have to.

Thank you very much for asking us your question, but you are not likely to be happy with what I have to say.

Sometimes the things we want are not the things that are the best for us. While I very much appreciate your love for this young man there are several features that scream out here. Nothing in this scenario has the makings of a foundation that will sustain a life-long relationship. Very few people are ready to get married when they are 17, and I would encourage you to seriously rethink your situation.

At some point studying relationships is like understanding physics. Certain rules are going to be in effect whether or not we like it. Imagine holding a delicate ceramic cup out the window of a two-story building and aiming for a marshmallow to land on safely and not break. Getting married at 17 and expecting a life-long relationship to evolve happily is equivalent to this feat. It could happen, but chances are against it.

Marriage in general is a risky undertaking and the divorce rate is high; nearly half. If you are serious about making your commitment to each other make the promise and see how it goes. The piece of paper saying you are married can be added down the road if desire is still there. If it feels safer for you to say you are engaged then okay, but I would not have a wedding until you have spent time with your boyfriend after he returns. This is a particularly tender time in your lives, and you are both likely to change radically over the next several years. Your perhaps future fiancé is going off to war, and this will require him to readjust to civilian life when he returns. In other words, you will both be different people when he comes back. Learn about who you are; you can decide what kind of a relationship you want when you have reconnected. That will be the time to see if you want to be together, not now.

Your mother simply does not want you to be hurt. A parent’s instinct is to protect the child. Your mother has a good point. He hurt you and the relationship ended badly, and now he is going away – another hurt I am sure your mom senses coming toward you.

If you love this guy then stay connected to him while he is away and when he returns see if a relationship evolves. If you need to be engaged you should at least wait until you are 18 to marry, but I would recommend against it. Develop yourself while he is away, then see if there is enough to build on when he is back. If you choose otherwise, I wish the marshmallow and the cup good luck.

I would also seek therapy while he is in Afghanistan to cope with the separation as you develop. You can find a referral at the top of this page under “find help.”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have Cured My Anxiety, But Not in My Own Native Language

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 5th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: I’m 22. About 2 years ago I had really bad social anxiety, about as worse as they come. This was accompanied with a stutter I have always had which made it even more challenging.

It was about 2 years ago when I stood up and had to temporarily cut ties with my abusive parents, which was possible only because I live and study in a different country to where I was raised and where they live. Doing this somehow gave me the strength to also combat my social anxiety by constantly exposing myself to things I was horrified of doing – starting from ordering food at restaurants myself, to eventually giving whole presentations and organizing interactive workshops at events! People applaud my communication skills and tell me how charismatic, confident and likable I come across as.

CBT also helped me tremendously. For the past 8-10 months I have been a brand new person, stutter is 99% gone, I am calm and funny and assertive (I try to be) when speaking to people, it is such a liberating effect and all the hardships I had to go through are well worth it.

I am now in contact with my parents again, we even met up once. Now comes the huge problem – it almost sounds fictional but somehow, when I speak in my own language my anxiety is still there. I still speak very quickly and nervously, I still have the stutter, I am still worried what I say and feel very self-conscious. This is humiliating because this is my own language, and I don’t understand how I can be those two different people when I speak the two languages.

I know it just seems like I am still scared of my parents (which I probably am) and this is why I feel anxious speaking to them, but the truth is when I meet someone from my country while I’m here, first I am so happy to speak my language, and then I realize I have this lump in my throat, mental blockage, stutter – as if I haven’t overcome any anxiety at all, but I have, and I worked so hard to get here!

I want to come back to my home country at some point and see friends and family, but I am horrified of going through this all over again.

You’ve done impressive work conquering your anxiety. I hope you give yourself lots of credit for that.

The situation you describe does make a kind of sense. You successfully compartmentalized your anxiety into the part of yourself that speaks your native language. When you shift into English, it’s as if you liberate yourself from old negative experiences and the behaviors that were a result.

I want you to know that this isn’t unusual. Many people happen on this technique as a way to make significant changes. It’s as if speaking a different language provides psychological permission to be different.

Now it’s time to generalize all you’ve learned to your native language. You’ve already had success with CBT. I suggest that you go back to the therapist and discuss how best to do that.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Social Anxiety Is Driving Me Crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 3rd, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Italy: i guess i have to began from the beginning,when i guess is started everything..so i was always been an introvert kid,loving nature and especially dogs. So in school they began to make fun of me because i was a bit chubby,then last year ive been recovered from anorexia,and because i love dogs(since i was a kid i always had this special bond with dogs and actually during anorexia my two dogs saved my life) anyway they torturing me and keep telling me that i was ugly,and that my life price was 0,2 cent(really low…means that the trash was more important than my life) so i start cutting,but never had suicide attempt.

In my 16 and 17 years i was really happy with myself and very confident,then anorexia beat me up,and now,as a 18 years old girl,ive been struggling with social anxiety disorder. Actually since im 18 my life began,you know began to work,travel,licence driving ecc…it was suppose to be all exciting but i dont know why i keep feel empty inside like no one love me for who i really am,and as much i love to go out for walks i cant because my mind is keep always bothering me with “what if” thoughts…and im sure as hell that everyone is against me and laughing at me and calling me ugly behind my back.its really awful.

i cant keep going on in this way,for example when i have to go to driving school(like tomorrow) in the morning i always feel very sick,so many times i throwing up because i’m very scared and nervous about the fact that “what if they make fun of me???what if i do something wrong?? what if they laugh at me??” even when im out with my friends im always looking around to see if someone is laughing at me,my friends tell me that even if they laugh at me i should go on my way and dont think about it,but for me its useless,i mean if someone is making fun of me it feels like the end of the world to me,literally,i think about it for weeks,and its really awful.im 18 and i want my life bak.what should i do???i’m de sperate,really i am.

 

 What you didn’t mention in the letter is whether you have a counselor. If not, you have been heroic long enough. You’ve been battling the effects of bullying, anxiety and an eating disorder on your own. That’s amazing! But at some point, most people who have had the experiences that you have had need a little help. There is no shame in that. Why should you be fighting the impulses to cut and the social anxiety all by yourself, when there are professionals who have made it their life work to help people deal with these issues?

If you haven’t yet seen a counselor, do make an appointment right away. If you have been seeing a counselor, I hope you are seeing him or her regularly and that you are sharing the same information you did here. The road back from an eating disorder is a difficult one but it is not impossible. With support, you can also learn the coping skills and social skills you need to be more comfortable around other people.

Please. Take care of yourself and get the help you need. The bullying that happened when you were young does not have to set a negative direction for your entire life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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