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I’ve Been Gradually Getting Worse, Mentally, Over the Past Few Days

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 13th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I used to always just joke about being depressed and hating life, but in the past few months (sparked by bad arguments with my mom, having to put down the dog I’ve had and loved for nearly 12 years, and getting put into a class with a very bad teacher in school), I’ve been getting worse and everything I never dreamed I would actually do/feel/think is becoming a reality. I’ve been thinking about self-harm even though I’ve always found it ridiculous, and my mental breakdowns have been occurring more and more often. I’m more prone to crying out of nowhere or at the slightest mention of something even remotely upsetting to me. I’ve been in two relationships and both of them were terrible, one partner forcing me into sexual activities, and one partner leaving me for someone else while blaming me for the relationship failing.
My mom has been switching between being nice to me, ridiculing me, and ignoring me. It makes my already low self-esteem drop even more, and at this point, I’ve learned to ignore her, but It’s still difficult sometimes to tone out her words. My teacher at school doesn’t teach the material but expects us to know how to do it on his level even though we’re beginners (AP Language). He gives everyone bad grades all the time and never praises us when we do good. His lectures to the class are no better than saying we all are terrible students and should be receiving even lower grades. He makes me feel unwanted and going to his class makes me really anxious. I’m currently trying to drop it, but my principal won’t return my emails regarding it.
I want to get help, but the other part of me feels like I don’t deserve it. I’ve been surprising myself when it comes to controlling the urges to harm myself or worse, but the urges have been getting more tempting as of late. I haven’t really been feeling any positive emotions lately, but whenever other people are around I subconsciously smile, even when I don’t want to. I hate the way I am now, and I want to get better, but I also don’t want to cause anyone trouble.

You’ve been going through some rough times lately. As you have described, you’ve been arguing with your mother, you lost a pet and you’re dealing with a bad teacher. When people have bad things happen to them, they have reactions. Reactions to events are normal. What’s worrisome, is how you are reacting.

Your reaction is to consider self-harm. The idea of seeking help appeals to you however, you don’t think you deserve to be helped. Your judgment that you don’t deserve to be helped is another form of self-harm. It’s another way to punish yourself. It suggests that you believe that you are not worthy of being helped. These may be signs of depression or low self-esteem, or both.

People who are oriented towards self-harm and self-punishment often don’t think highly of themselves. Some people even say that the act of self-harm makes them feel better. They might think they are to blame for whatever is happening in their lives and thus deserve to suffer. That line of thinking is not healthy or realistic.

You don’t deserve punishment. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are worthy and deserving of help. Please don’t think otherwise. That is an untrue narrative that you have created about yourself. It needs to be corrected.

That is exactly the type of thinking that could be effectively addressed in counseling. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of counseling that assesses one’s thoughts and determines if they are correct. The thoughts which are incorrect and inconsistent with reality are eliminated and replaced with more realistic and logical thoughts.

I would encourage you to ask your mother to assist you in finding a therapist. It would be tremendously helpful. You might also involve her in the counseling sessions. It might help the two of you to get along better. If she’s unwilling to help, speak to the school guidance counselor or another trusted faculty member at your school. They can help you.

One final thing, you mentioned having a problem with the teacher and that the principal won’t return your emails. Don’t wait for a written response. Go directly to his office and speak to him in person. Having an in-person meeting is much more effective than an email. Also, it’s unlikely that you’re the only student with complaints about this teacher. If he’s given everyone bad grades, then other people are unhappy too. Thanks for your question. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Friend Said She Can’t Love Herself & She Doesn’t Know How To

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 8th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My friend is sad a lot because she is alone and doesn’t have a boyfriend. She always belittles herself and says she isn’t good enough. At first, I told her to be patient and focus on bettering herself and she would find someone soon. I now see that she is looking for someone else to be her main source of happiness. After pointing out to her what she was doing, I then told her that she can’t love anyone else until she learns to love herself. To which she responded, “I can’t love myself. I don’t know how to.” How can I help her?

Based on the information presented in your letter, she may be someone who is struggling with self-esteem and needs professional guidance. Her inability to “love herself” may be an expression of depression or of her overall unhappiness in life. It’s common for people with depression to believe that they’re unlovable.

It’s also possible that these problems may have originated, at least in part, with her family. Often, people who feel like she does, don’t feel loved or supported by their families, specifically their parents. Poor familial relationships may lead some to feel lost, unloved and depressed.

You might have a better understanding of your friend and what she’s experiencing by studying Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. These needs must be fulfilled in order for an individual to be psychologically healthy and satisfied with life. Broadly speaking, it’s a psychological theory that explains what motivates human behavior.

At the bottom of the hierarchy are physiological and safety needs. These involve food, water and shelter. These need to be met every day. It would be very difficult to function daily without satisfying these fundamental needs.

The next two involve love and belonging, and self-esteem. Love and belonging refers to the idea of needing to feel that someone loves you. Often, this validation comes from one’s parents but it can also come from friends, family or a relationship with a higher power. Once someone knows that they are loved, they feel worthy of being loved. Perhaps if your friend felt loved, she’d find it easier to love herself.

A similar thing is true regarding self-esteem. Self-esteem involves the idea of feeling “good enough to be accepted by others.” It’s common for young people to struggle with self-esteem issues often because of their age. Developmentally, young people are largely reliant on others. Self-esteem tends to come with age and independence but it mainly develops as a result of proving competence and doing things that you’re proud of. For instance, earning a college degree, getting a job, being a good parent, and so forth. At some point in one’s life, it will be important to feel validation about one’s abilities. Once that occurs, an individual is no longer driven to fulfill this need. This is not to say that they would stop attempting to accomplish things in life; it’s that they will no longer be driven by the need to prove that they are “good enough.”

According to the theory, once all of the aforementioned needs are met, an individual is now ready for self-actualization. Self-actualization is a process of becoming fully who you are, your true self. I don’t have enough column space to describe all of the characteristics of self-actualizing people so I would recommend reading Abraham Maslow’s book about the subject. You should encourage your friend to read it as well.

If depression is at the root of her problem, then she should consult a mental health professional. That type of help is beyond what you can provide as a friend. The main job of a caring friend is support and encouragement. Beyond that, there may be little else you can do. Psychological health, growth and development is a very personal matter. Hopefully, she will be open to treatment, should it be necessary. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Mom Cheating on My Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 7th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 19. Two years ago, I and my younger sister found my mom cheating on my dad. Actually I’ve guessed it long ago. We saw sexts, nude pics on her phone. We were so depressed about it. I don’t live at my home. When I come home on holidays, my sis shares all the nasty things that my mom was doing. Recently, she’s taking videos of us at home without our knowledge and he’s sharing with him. I’m so angry and disappointed with her. I once asked if she’s cheating. She lied on my face. She tortured us by not speaking to us for weeks. I love my mom a lot. My dad is so loyal and kind person. That guy with whom my mom was cheating is also married and has kids. He’s our family friend. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about my sister as she’s staying at home and sees all these things. She’s more depressed than me. Can you please help me? I know you have seen similar problems. I need help. (From India)

You did the right thing by writing this email. I can imagine how difficult it has been for you to know of this and feeling like you are carrying the burden of your family. I am going to be recommending you find the courage to take action, but first I want to offer a perspective supporting why I am recommending it.

Your mother’s secretly videotaping and then broadcasting videos of you and your sister without your consent would be enough for you to take some direct action. More than this she is being careless with her indiscretions, lying to you about her behavior, and disrespecting your father. All of these unfortunate behaviors are ticking time-bombs that will detonate sooner or later. You cannot control what your mother does, but you can make decisions for yourself.

The fact that you are out of the house but your sister isn’t makes matters particularly difficult. While you didn’t say your sister’s age her being home makes this challenging for both of you — particularly if she is younger. Your mother has consciously or unconsciously, put you both in a very arduous position. Her lack of concern for your wellbeing, your sister’s, and your father puts each of you in jeopardy. Her reckless behavior puts everyone at risk.

If the affair goes undetected (very unlikely in my experience) and you don’t take action it will leave you and your sister having held a dark secret. You already don’t respect your mother and are disappointed in her behavior. Whether she stops or continues there would be no reason for you to change this opinion of her going forward. It would be natural for a child to resent her mother for putting her in this position.

It also (by default) means that you would be keeping this secret from your father — and in a way betraying him. He is going through life thinking he has a faithful wife and a family friend, but instead four of the closest people to him are holding secrets. It is unfair of your mother to have put you and your sister in a position where you would have to maintain this secret.

If (I think when is more likely) the affair is found out you would have to cope with your father’s reaction. He may forgive you both for not saying something about it, but he may also be disappointed. Again, not a good position for you and your sister to be in.

In light of the negative consequences for staying silent the other option is doing something about it. But this will require you and your sister to get some support from outside the family, as you have begun with this email. I will encourage you and your sister to find a safe person to talk to about what is happening. Perhaps a member of the clergy, a trusted teacher, a school counselor, or a therapist. Finding some support as you get ready to deal with this is essential. Your sister and you are natural supports for one another, but having someone you both trust to hear your concerns is essential. You already are feeling alone with this and having someone you can trust to help you is one very important way you and your sister can take care of yourselves. Your mother denying the consequences of her behavior has created an emotionally abusive situation for you. Someone else needs to know about the difficulty she has put you in. Once you have the support you and your sister and this support person can consider your options. None of them are easy choices, but your mom has created an untenable situation that will require you to do what you feel is the best course of self-care for both of you. This could include confronting your mother by saying if she doesn’t talk to your father you will have to, talking to your father, having a therapist of clergy member as a support person who talks to one or both of your parents, or any number of other possibilities that would keep you from having to hold on to this secret.

Secrets in families can be devastating as this, this, and this blog can explain.

You have taken the very courageous and important step in not holding onto this secret by writing us here. It is now time to take the next step by finding a person you and your sister can talk to about planning what comes next.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Sister and I Were Abused By My Stepfather, Told My Mom Years Later and She Stayed with Him

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 3rd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

We were abused by my stepfather when we were around 11 & 6. The abuse lasted 2-3 years ,but we didn’t leave my mom until we were 18 & 13 to live with our dad.

We finally told her in our 20s about the abuse. Her response was “What am I supposed to do, you told me 2 kids too late.” She stayed married to him for 25 yrs. She divorced him and left her boys ages 14 & 9 to be with someone else. They eventually got back together and remarried recently. We did not attend the wedding.

Despite all of this we truly love our mother and she has had it tough, but I don’t think I can forgive her. My stepdad asked for forgiveness and showed true regret and I feel like I was able to forgive him. My mom says she’s remorseful but still manages to put others before our feelings, showing me that I don’t matter enough to her. She sweeps things under the rug and pretends nothing is wrong.

My sister and I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and mine is showing to be treatment resistant. I have been married for 20yrs and have 3 kids. My sister is divorced with a special needs child. It has taken a toll on all our relationships, but my mother says we have to take responsibility for ourselves as adults. Is there a way to have a healthy relationship with my mother? (From the USA)

You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy. Your mom has made systematically bad choices in her life. She has been complicit in the abuse, abandoned her boys, remarried the man who abused her daughters, marginalized your needs and feelings, and continues to negotiate her life using the defense mechanisms of denial and minimization.

Your mom doesn’t have much to offer as a parent. Her actions, decisions and behavior point to someone who act in a ferociously self-absorbed manner. She also doesn’t seem like she has the capacity to take real responsibility for her choices and their impact on you — and it doesn’t seem as if she has sought therapy for healing herself. It isn’t possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has become the product of these very poor choices.

Yet, I do believe there is something you can do on your end of the relationship that may help. I think there are two other features that may be cultivated. First, I’d encourage you to nurture your own self-compassion for growing up with an abusive stepfather and a negligent mother. Compassion for yourself is important in evolving a compassionate stance for your mother, which I believe is what can allow you to have a civil and respectful relationship. Your mom’s way of being required that you cultivate a type of detachment from her rather than engagement. The main tool in this detachment is a compassionate stance toward her, which evolves from a compassionate stance toward yourself.

Being compassionate and nurturing your own well-being is an ongoing process. You are treating yourself in a manner similar to how a best friend would treat you. Love, encouragement and support are the messages you’ll want to give yourself. There are many techniques for developing self-compassion and this link will take you to a brief video on the bottom of the homepage that can guide you through an exercise to enhance and facilitate self-compassion.

Secondly, once you’ve been able to cultivate self-compassion I would encourage you to work on detachment. In 12-step programs, this is often referred to as detaching with love. This practice unhooks you from looking at your mom for comfort, relationship, or improvement. It allows you to acknowledge and accept who she is without trying to change her, but also without you making great efforts to help or develop the relationship. Detachment means that you stop going on the rollercoaster ride of your life is tied to hers in terms of your well-being. By turning your attention to self-compassion and compassion for her circumstance and life, you release yourself from the need to expect more from her than she is capable.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Think It’s the Right Time to Commit Suicide. Am I Wrong?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 2nd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a 25-year-old guy with a bachelor degree in english translating (which I suck at it btw) and now I’m living a void life. I live in Iran. I’ve been depressed since I was 17, but I wasn’t this much depressed back in time. Back then I thought being alone and having no love in my life or being ugly and awkward is the worst thing that can happen but the truth is right now things are even worse. About 8/9 months ago my ex broke up with me and 2 months later I realized she’s engaged. We were together for one year. We had our troubles. She wanted to get married and finally it all ended. After a while I realized that she was the last meaning of my life and I would do anything to have her back and marry her. But it was late. Too late actually. Since then I’ve been thinking about her everyday and I highly doubt I’ll find love again.

When i look back at my life I see a lot of things. I had tonsil removal (Tonsillectomy) when I was 8. 2 years later I removed my vermiform appendix and few days after surgery it got infected so i had to have a surgery again. After that the doctor said this boy can’t be as strong as he is. His body would be much weaker. I have a very huge nose which I was humiliated a lot because of it. I’m very skinny and can’t weight. I have tried everything even protein shakes. I’m extremely skinny and a bit short. Maybe I should have died at the time I was born. I think I have ADD which makes things worse. I can’t concentrate on my work. I might even get fired in the near future.

Since this world has become much more shallow (because of the media and hollywood, etc) I don’t think I should be among people. People always prefer smart and beautiful people. It’s a fact. Don’t tell me personality matters. If personality mattered we would have lived in a much better world.

I have come to a conclusion to end my life. I live in Iran and can’t immigrate so don’t tell me I can change my life by doing that. I would appreciate it if you could reply to this email professionally.

Let me answer your question directly, no, it is not the “right time” to commit suicide. Getting help is the answer, not suicide.

Problems are a part of life. We all experience them, but your challenge might be that you lack coping skills to navigate life problems. Counseling could help. Coping skills can be learned.

Studies show that people who have attempted suicide and survived are glad that they did not die. They had difficulty envisioning an end to their suffering and incorrectly thought that suicide was the answer to their problems. Having survived their suicide attempt, they realized that their problems were solvable and their feelings of hopelessness eventually passed.

People who are contemplating suicide tend only to see the negative potential outcomes of life. They are so oriented towards negative outcomes that they overlook the potentially positive outcomes. Who’s to say that you won’t meet another women to love or marry or meet someone who loves your personality? Ending your life will most certainly ensure that you’ll never get to experience those possibilities.

Counseling, can help in many ways. It can help you to be more successful in relationships. It can help you to feel more confident. It can help you to appreciate life, and on and on.

I have worked with many people who have had relationship problems. I once had a client who was renowned for his good looks and physique. He dressed meticulously, spent up to an hour trimming his moustache.

Every woman that he had dated, over his 15-year dating history, broke up with him. His longest relationship lasted three months. He was devastated. His appearance did him absolutely no good.

Probably, everyone reading this answer, has seen really beautiful men and women, with partners who were not very good looking, prompting a comment of this sort “what does she see in that guy?”

I believe you are over valuing looks.

I’m not certain how accessible mental health treatment is in Iran but I would strongly urge you to seek professional help. Millions of people have felt the way you have, have sought professional help and have fully recovered. If you’re willing to seek help, you can expect the same outcome. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Marijuana Smoking and Worried About Developing Schizophrenia

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 2nd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a 25 year-old male whose father and cousins have/had schizophrenia. I recently moved to Oregon, where marijuana is a legal drug, so I partake recreationally (3-4 times a week). I just started smoking marijuana when I was 24, and really didn’t make it a regular thing until I was 25. I’ve always had a slight fear of having schizophrenia, as I’ve studied mental illness since it’s been a very big part of my life. Recently, however, I feel those feelings have been slightly amplified due to the correlative nature between schizophrenia and marijuana usage displayed in medical and psychological studies. I’ve noticed myself becoming paranoid when under the influence (a common thing, I know). That paranoia usually subsides after I rest, along with the influence of the drug. That being said, I’ve been having some thoughts of being able to change the world. These thoughts occur heavily when I’m high, but also sometimes happen when I’m sober (only much less intense),
and usually come in the form of being able to educate people about empathy and kindness (since I’m a teacher and an actor). I’ve also had moments where I try to empathize with people in order to understand what they’re thinking, and maybe even try to “read their thoughts” in order to better connect with them. Do I truly believe I can? No. But I do think I can come close to identify how their feeling in order to better help them with their problems. I can, somewhat frequently, also have quick mood changes into anger depending on circumstances; they usually happen when I’m driving or when I have a lot of stress in my life.

A little background: my mother also has manic-depressive disorder. I grew up in a very broken household, but came out very well from it: I received 25 scholarships and got paid to go to college. After college, I traveled the country for over two years teaching kids theatre. And I am fairly successful after having moved to a big city despite having little to no support other than the foundation I’ve built for myself. I’ve written multiple pieces about mental illness (I have degrees in English and theatre), and I try to be cognizant of my behaviors in order to make sure that I am a productive member of society and don’t dwindle into what my parents did.

Just because marijuana is legal for recreational purposes doesn’t mean you should partake in it. Alcohol is also legal, but if you drank three or four times a week it could be disastrous for your physical and mental health. It’s a bad idea.

Marijuana is a drug that continues to be categorized by the federal government as a schedule I drug. Schedule I drugs are considered dangerous. As you have read in the medical literature, marijuana is also linked to psychosis. That fact is based on scientific studies. Those studies also note that having a family history of schizophrenia can increase the possibility of offspring developing the disease. Given your family history, that is not a fact you should ignore.

Your main question is should you be concerned about having unusual experiences while under the influence of marijuana? The answer is yes. Your concerns are valid and should prompt you to stop using drugs immediately.

Marijuana alters one’s brain chemistry and can cause irreparable damage. Not everyone who uses marijuana will experience problems, but it increases the risk of negative outcomes. Anecdotally, I receive many letters from people who smoke marijuana and develop side effects that never seem to go away. Derealization and paranoia are quite common. It would be wise to quit while you are ahead.

It’s also important to address the fact that you should not need drugs to be happy. Psychologically healthy people, don’t need to get high to feel good. You might consider counseling to explore why you feel the need to use drugs. Maybe you use marijuana to decrease stress but there are certainly many other healthy ways to relax that do not involve risking your mental health.

Counseling could help you address your drug problem. If you are using it for stress reduction, you might try meditation instead. A growing number of studies have demonstrated its significantly positive physiological and psychological benefits. I hope I’ve helped. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What if Nothing Works and No One Knows What Is Wrong?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 1st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for what seem to be mood issues, like depression, but keep reacting poorly to meds (antidepressants and a mood stabilizer) and my doctor said I seemed to have a reaction like I was bipolar (mixed episode), but don’t meet the criteria for bipolar in general. Like I got way more suicidal on both, not just the antidepressant. I feel like I am often mentally healthy, then have these bad depressive episodes, or just these mental breakdowns and get self-destructive and feel like I fall down a rabbit hole. It seems stranger than just depression, but it’s not really my baseline and it is like a weird spiraling effect. It lasts longer than just a reaction to a specific event, so seems to be mood related. My doctor keeps saying my reactions are unusual, and is trying his best to help, but it’s like none of us know what is going on. Therapy seems like a good option, and I tried CBT, but when I feel this bad I cannot even concentrate on what is going on. I am sure I can eventually pull myself out of it this time, but it seems like it will keep happening and it’s weird to be so lost in my mind and no one understands or can help me. I know you cannot diagnose me, but I guess my question is, do people sometimes not fit any category and are just really not typical and nothing really can help? I don’t mean I cannot do anything for my mental health, but that I will have to do it alone, without professional help?

I know that it is frustrating to feel like nothing works but I urge you not to give up. Finding the right treatment is not an exact science. It often takes time and patience but it is worth it. Once you find what works, it can make all the difference in the world.

The same is true with therapy. Certain types of therapy and therapists will work better for some people and not for others. When things aren’t going well, it’s easy to think they never will but that simply isn’t true. Make the decision to keep trying and never stop until you find a treatment that works.

Each person’s case is different. Rarely are they “textbook” cases. Your set of circumstances may seem atypical and perhaps they are but that doesn’t mean your symptoms are untreatable. There is a treatment and someone who can help you. It’s simply a matter of continuing to participate in treatment and not stopping until you find success. It’s not a matter of if. It’s a matter of when. Don’t give up.

If your doctor can’t help you, perhaps you need a second opinion. Your doctor will not be offended if you seek a second opinion. Second opinions are very common in the practice of medicine. A new doctor and a new type of treatment might be what is necessary. Consider choosing a doctor who specializes in mood disorders.

In the grand scheme of things, as long as you’re willing to continue to participate in treatment and to keep trying, success should be expected. Don’t give up.

I would encourage you to get all of the help you can. You don’t have to do this alone. If you keep trying, your chances of recovery increase exponentially. Thanks for your question and please take care.

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I Feel Dumb, Unnecessary, Unworthy of Everything That I’ve Got

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 30th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Albania: I am a female student (age 19) currently studying economics. I study at a private university and it is the second year, the problem I am struggling with is concentration, lack of self confidence, depression, I hate everything that I do. I have spent too much money and spent everything to get in that university and still there isn’t one exam I have passed, I cant study, I feel dumb, unnecessary, unworthy of everything that I’ve got.

I used to be a good student and everything was fine but these two years I’ve been nothing but crying and failing every exam. I cant talk to anyone not my parents they only want results, they don’t know what I’m going through, to be honest I don’t know what I’m going through. I’m in desperate need of help and this is the only time Ive expressed what I feel . Please help me!

I hope expressing your feelings helped a little. You’ve been carrying these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness much too long. It must be terrible to feel so alone. I’m sorry you can’t reach to your parents for support. But if you really can’t, you do need to find other people who can help you.

In situations as you describe, I always advise people to first consult with their medical doctor. The troubles with concentration and depression just may have a medical cause. It’s at least important to check.

If you are medically okay, the next step is to look at lifestyle. Are you keeping regular hours and getting enough sleep? Are you feeding yourself well? Do you get some exercise every day? Perhaps most important, are you spending time with other people? If the answer to those questions is yes, we then move to mental health.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course, but I can tell you this: There are many people who work hard for a goal and then fall apart on reaching it. It’s as if all the energy was focused on getting to the goal and there is none left for actually enjoying it or working on it.

In my practice I’ve seen many young people who were stellar students in high school who then got into a top university and failed. Why? I think at least partly because they are tired; partly because they are competing with other stellar students for the first time and aren’t prepared for it; partly because they are on their own for the first time and don’t have the structure of high school or their parents’ rules to guide them. For these students, university is overwhelming. The response is often acute anxiety and/or depression.

If any of those possibilities seem true for you, it would be most helpful for you to see a counselor. You’ve already tried your best to help yourself with little success. It’s time to seek and accept some outside support.

I don’t know what resources are available to you in Albania. I suggest that talking with your physician is a good place to start. He or she will know where to refer you. It’s also possible that your university has a counseling center. If so, I encourage you to contact them.

If anyone reading thisis familiar with services she can access in her country, please help her out and comment. Thank you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Frustrated All the Time & I Don’t Know Why

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 29th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I find myself constantly frustrated beyond words and the worst part is I have no idea why. I have tried to figure what I am mad or frustrated about but have no idea what it is. I thought it may be a subconscious thing, but I don’t know. I find myself constantly frustrated with my family and all my friends that I love soooo much yet I am always frustrated with. I also am very frustrated with myself all the time. I thought it had to do with something in my past that had happened. I don’t know what it is but I will try to give you info that might come in handy. I am so sick of feeling this way and have tried to scream it out, cry it out, and do everything and I can’t think of what the problem is or how to solve it.

I moved around 4 different times in my life in elementary school. I was super unpopular and was bullied and once was kicked and beaten sorta-ish by these two boys. I never had any friends and was always lonely. My family finally settled down in a town where I was bullied and was alone with no friends for several years till 7th grade when I met some kids and started to become more liked. Now I am in 8th grade. I don’t date. I don’t do drugs or alcohol, I have pretty good grades for the most part when I’m not stressed out of my mind.

I have been counselled by a counsellor in the mental health department for a long time because of my depression (which I feel like I have totally gotten over actually a couple years ago yet I still go through with it even though it isn’t helpful at all nor do I feel depressed, just SUPER frustrated with basically everything). I have always struggled with anxiety and stress more so than other kids but I don’t know if that has anything to do with me being frustrated.

I hope this information helped in any way. Please help me I want to get out of this lole thing. I am very independent and never have told anybody any of this (my history with the two boys beating me up or any of the bullying). I don’t want to weigh this on other people. HELP ME PLEASE.

The definition of frustration is feeling distressed or annoyed because of your inability to do something you want to do or to change something you want to change. There must be something you want to do that you feel as though you can’t do or something you want to change that you feel as though you can’t change. Try to think about what that might be. Perhaps, you are confusing frustration with another emotion.

Your anxiety and stress probably have a lot to do with the way you are feeling. The last several years have been quite difficult for you. Moving is stressful. Moving four times is quite stressful. Many people never move that often in a lifetime. With each move, you struggled. Your constant moving, anxiety and stress and having been bullied, might all be contributing to what you are feeling.

You should be discussing these issues with your counselor. You might never learn the source of your frustration, but counseling could help you overcome it. Sometimes, knowing the source of the problem is not as important as treating the symptoms of the problem.

Consider starting a journal to record your feelings. This might help you to understand your emotions and what might be causing your distress. Journals can reveal patterns about our behavior and emotions. You might also find that journaling helps to relieve your frustration. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Recurring Deaths

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 27th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m a 23 year old woman who has recently been thrown into a huge amount of responsibility due to the death of my father-and roughly a week later, the death of my mother. In Summer of 2013 my father was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer and within only a month, he withered away into nothing and was gone. This was as much of a shock as it was a blow. I was not prepared for anything and as much as I re-assured my mother everything was going to be okay, she had an accidental overdose only a week later. This left myself, my older brother, and my boyfriend (who was already living with us) in charge of our current house and another house a couple of miles away that my parents were renting out. We learned the in’s and out’s of home ownership while trying to cope with our losses the best way we could. Four days after my mother passed, my grandmother (her mother) left this Earth as well. Most of how I was feeling after those events were a blur, but I could re-collect that I was definitely numb, or kept myself there by means of marijuana and the occasional alcohol. I noticed my mood starting shifting. I was angry for no good reason, anxious, irritable, and I felt trapped. My brother was having far worse outbursts than I was and if it were not for my boyfriend, I think I would of hurt him badly. My boyfriend’s personality was the polar opposite of my brother and I’s (anger issues run in the family) and he knew just the way to keep the peace. But? I found a reason to lash out at him because I thought his positivity is annoying, he should leave me alone when I’m in my state of numbness, and every time he tells me, “I SHOULDN’T be feeling a certain way” I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I’m aware my behavior is childish, but sometimes I feel like I have no patience for him what-so-ever, and he has felt a good majority of my rage more than anybody even if he is the last one who deserves to. I cope with my feelings better sometimes. I’ve begun going to the gym, took up gardening here and there, actually finished a whole book for the first time since high school, and am reading more into spirituality. I’m trying just about everything to calm my nerves however that may be, but it’s like every time I do, something has to hit my reset button. My 36 year old cousin committed suicide 5 months after my grandmother passed away in the same exact house. Why was everything so dark in my life and everything so sunny and peachy in my boyfriends? Maybe I resent him for never having experiencing a death of his own blood family? Anytime I was in a sour mood and he made a stupid joke or did something to piss me off, negativity would flood my mind and I would find every reason to tell myself maybe I am better off alone? Death has always been at my back door. In 2001, both of my grandfather’s passed away a week apart from each other just as my parents did this time last year. In 2002, my beloved uncle passed on, and a few years later in 2005 before Hurricane Katrina, my aunt passed on as well. A long with several close friends I’ve lost around my age, and somebody I had an intimate relationship with last year as well. Am I just overall traumatized by the list of events that have plagued me? I have counted 13 people I have lost in the past 14 years and it terrifies me that this will keep happening. I am angry, irritable, frustrated, anxious, lose desire for anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always like this; but when something seems to not go my way or happen as planned all these feelings come back: Like a child. My boyfriend wants us to go to therapy, or have me meet with a personal therapist to seek communication since I find it so hard to open up to him. I don’t want to ruin my relationship and live in a constant state of depression. My boyfriend tries to “fix” how I’m feeling when I’m convinced that I’m the only one who can repair my feelings. I tell him to back off A LOT and it’s even more frustrating because he is also ADHD, and responds to everything with a little too much love and care than I ask for at the time. Maybe I should become a Buddhist Monk?! Thank you for reading.

I think the better response would be to take your amazing insights and put them to work and helping you grieve.

This complex grief is coupled with the burden of having to manage the household. So in addition to these profound losses you also have increased responsibilities. I think if you weren’t irritable and frustrated that would be something wrong.

When we lose people we care about it can often create some problems with intimacy. I noticed you describe your boyfriend in terms most people would say is positive, yet you see him as alienating and off-putting. In the same breath you appreciate him for being there.

My guess is that when you feel so many losses of important people in your life it creates havoc with the one person that is most central to your life, your boyfriend.

I would highly recommend some grief counseling for you and perhaps jointly with your boyfriend. Grief counseling as an individual or couple will be be the best way for you to move through this sad and difficult time. You can get referrals for this from your local community hospital or the funeral parlor. They typically have a network of counselors who specialize in this type of counseling.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Mother Won’t Leave Us Alone

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 24th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My sister and I live together with a roommate in a town about 2 hours by car from our mother. Every three or four months Mom expects to come to our apartment and stay a week or so. She calls it her “vacation spot.” Our roommate has been gracious, but we can tell it’s wearing on her. It’s wearing on us, too. We have trouble getting along with Mom. She talks constantly, has the television, radio, and sometimes the computer on all at the same time. My sister and I prefer quiet since our lives at home when we were kids were constant noise. Mom and Dad separated when we were eleven; Dad moved to another state and Mom got a job to support us. Even though we tried to help her at home, we were often yelled at for doing something wrong or using something that we didn’t know we weren’t supposed to use, like paper towels, cleaning supplies, or certain foods. She never told us not to use these things, she just assumed we knew. I remember her yelling at us the most–her voice was always very loud and made my ears ring. Mom had trouble holding it together and became depressed. At night she would come home from work, drop her stuff at the door, and go upstairs to watch TV. She couldn’t manage money and one by one, utilities were shut off. Sometimes, there wasn’t enough food in the house for dinner of any kind and there was no money to buy it. My sister and I lived on school meals. While our friends at school were busy planning parties or going out, my sister and I were scrambling to find a way to turn the heat and water back on. If my sister or I did or said something that my mother construed as criticism, the screaming would start. We heard about how ungrateful we were, how she bent over backwards for us every day and that we didn’t appreciate anything she did for us. If there is a holiday, we’re expected to go to her house to celebrate. This year, we were ready to tell her that we would be staying at our house for the holiday and she would see us at Easter. She started yelling at us over the phone how she’s never missed a Christmas with us and how she really needs to see us since she isn’t at a good place mentally. Each time I spend time with Mom I come away with horrific headaches and a stomachache and my hands are literally trembling. I don’t know what to say to her to make her understand that I’m seeing too much of her and that she stresses us out. What can I do?

I very much understand the struggle to cope with a difficult parent and the need to individuate. It is time to have more of your own life and less intrusion from your mom. This will not be easy, but it will be important to do.

Your mom will not understand — so the work here is to have compassion as you separate. In 12-step programs they call it detaching with love, but I think the real leverage is to find the compassion for your mom as you unhook from her. This is not something you are looking for her permission to do — and you most likely will feel guilty for having less contact. But this guilt will be easy to manage compared to the resentment you are feeling.

Limit your contact while you help to find social services for her in her area. She needs people around her on a regular basis for support. You can help find those services and help coordinate getting her there initially as you reduce your direct connection. Take her staying with you off the table altogether. If you don’t make the boundary it won’t happen. In the meantime you may want to have some therapy for you and your sister as you initiate this plan.

It is always better to choose feeling guilty than feeling resentment.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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New Phase of Life / Depression, Insight Needed

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 23rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hey there! Just to point this out in advance, I am seeing a few professionals about my mental health, I’m on medication and I’ve already been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PDD-NOS, and potentially ADHD. I do not have the means to explore these further, but I have regular monthly visits with my psychiatrist and therapist.

I’m currently dealing with drug abuse, my anxiety-fueled fight or flight response has led me to self-terminate from several jobs, and I typically carry really low self-esteem and distrust for myself and everyone around me. My social skills are acceptable, but I’ve adopted several toxic behaviors that lead me to manipulate, hurt, and abuse others. This is pretty self-destructive considering I’m also incredibly lonely and have no friends. I spent way too much time obsessing over perfectionism and believed I wouldn’t deserve to be loved otherwise.

Since failing high school, the only things I strived for is daily drug use and sexual stimulation. My therapist theorizes that most of this behavior stems from repeated emotional trauma that we’ve discussed, but thinking about those events doesn’t stir up any emotional response at all which just confuses me and makes me feel worse. I’m 23 now, and a few months ago something happened inside my head and I feel an intense need to fix things and help my life turn for the better, but the more I pursue that the more I stir up bottled emotions, toxic behaviors and self-hate. I struggle with managing my emotions in general and don’t have any support from family or any friends to fall back on, so making changes to my life is a little terrifying.

I still have a lot of questions I’m trying to figure out, trying to quit drugs is difficult when I lose all motivation and drive to change while sober, especially since I was like this long before I started drug use. I don’t know if I’m a good or bad person, or if I’ll ever feel like I’m worth anything. I don’t want to go through all the effort to improve things and still feel the way I feel right now, I’d be utterly hopeless after that. At the same time though, I really don’t want this need for change to disappear, I don’t like feeling this way.
Thoughts?

What’s evident from your letter is your drive to resolve these issues and succeed. You want to change. You want a better life. You are moving in the right direction. Without that motivation, change may not be possible.

It sounds as though you need a possible medication adjustment. Your therapists’ assessment of your situation doesn’t resonate with you. That might be a sign you need a new therapist. Each time you go to therapy, you should feel slight improvement. Overtime, there should be some evidence of progress.

Alternatively, you mentioned that you don’t go to therapy often. You seem to need more help than you’re getting. It’s not clear whether your therapist is the problem or if you’re not attending as much as you should. Once a month is rarely enough.

Another issue may be your use of drugs. Drugs alter brain chemistry. They may be interfering with the medication you have been prescribed. The use of drugs would suggest a lack of coping skills. If you had a healthy way of dealing with stress, you would not be using drugs.

Generally speaking, it seems time to reassess your current treatment situation. As described above, you might need new medication and/or a new therapist. If what you’re doing isn’t working, then you must try something else. Don’t stop until you find something that works or someone who can help. It is worth it. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Fear of Relationships

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 15th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Lithuania. Hello, I am a 21 year old student. I’ve been suffering from anxiety disorder, social phobia and have been taking antidepressants (escitalopram) for several years now (I had a small break,about a half year, but at the beginning of the first study year in other city my anxiety level very increased). I started to take drugs because of insomnia and high anxiety level. Time to time, I visit a psychiatrist. I had been taking cognitive behavioral therapy for over a year, but now I see that it haven’t really helped me. I still feel very anxious in various social situations, feel a lot of anxiety symptoms (body shakes, sweating, racing heart, breathlessness, etc). To make matters worse, I have found a boyfriend via internet. We have a relationships for about 5 months. He is 27 years old. He is a very good person and he really likes me. But it really hard for me to keep relationships, because I’m afraid of him. I’m afraid I will disappoint him in some way. When we meet (we do that quite rarely), I hardly can concentrate what he says, I feel very very anxious, nervous, I start sweating when he takes my hand or touch my body (we haven’t sex, and I’m virgin). I feel that something wrong with my hormones, because I just feel too much. Every date with him brings me more and more anxiety. He knows my situation, about my anxiety and stress, that I’m using drugs. He gave me some time to think what I would like to do next – to meet him again or just to stay friends, but nothing more. I feel I want to communicate with him, but it so hard and stressful, it’s hard to handle this. Maybe, it would be better decision to end relationships. But I know that this way won’t help me deal with social phobia, fear of boys and other issues. I am totally lost. Please help me to understand my complicated situation and messy thoughts. p.s. If you need to know, I had never been sexually abused. So it hard for me to understand why I have such a big fear of men. And I’m sorry for spelling mistakes, I’m from abroad.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

I admire your courage in continuing to cope with this anxiety. I would do two things to begin with, and two more to increase your chances of finding better ways to manage. The first thing I would do is talk to your boyfriend about your anxieties. I think the intimacy and support that may be helpful can be available in a relationship. I wouldn’t give it up.

Secondly, I would have a frank talk with your psychiatrist and your CBT therapist that the symptoms have not improved enough. The first course of action is often to use what has been tried — but in a different way.

That having been said, I would encourage you to find and join a therapy group that is focused on social anxiety. Being in a group that has other people with similar symptoms can give you the support, skills, and encouragement needed to make the right changes.

Lastly, if the cognitive therapy doesn’t work better within the next three months, I would encourage you to seek another therapist, perhaps one with psychodynamic training.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Feelings Dependent on Responses to Messages

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 14th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been having problems lately controlling my patience and emotions over whether or not someone replies to my text messages/emails. All started a few months ago I was catching up with a friend over text. As she had recent success with relationships, while I have been struggling with interpersonal relationships in recent times, I reached out to ask her opinion over what positive qualities she saw in me, as I’ve done with my close friends and family to combat my self-esteem problems, because she has been one of the better friends I’ve met in recent times. No response. Another instance of this happening was when I wished a friend I used to have a crush on happy birthday, I thought it would be a chance to ask her how things were going, as we had not talked in awhile. Again, no response. Sometimes when I post to an online forum but don’t get replies, I feel like I am a big annoyance and bother. After some of these occurrences I have had more frequent intrusive thought attacks, with my anxiety screaming things like: “You’re insane!” “You are an intrusive burden for asking people these questions!” “You’re handling this all wrong!” “You should have known better than to continue those conversations!” As with talking to friends of the opposite gender: “You are a dangerous disgusting disgrace, and you have no business with women!”

I’ve realized this swirl of emotions over text messages has become a problem because I’ve become more self-conscious and over-analyzing of how I handle my relationships or interact with others. The very fact if someone replies to me or not can really make me irritable, often for several days at a time. When someone actually does reply to my texts, and just happens to be slow doing so, I get angry with myself for letting my impatience distract myself. This happened when I was remotely working with a friend on a project that needed urgent attention and made him stressed because I kept texting him, as I assigned him a role to work with me on this up-and-coming project, and he responded after 20 minutes of waiting for him to get to a Wi-Fi hotspot.

Am I crazy like I think I am? How can I be more patient with waiting for text messages/emails and regain control of my emotions?

The work is in challenging your thoughts. As you are a university student I would recommend using the counseling services on campus. The style of therapy that can help you challenge your thoughts is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. CBT approaches the self-talk you are using. That is where you can make the biggest improvement in your responses.

Until you get a session with the therapists at the center you may want to try this book, The Resilience Factor, as it describes many of the elements you can use to help you manage these self-defeating thoughts.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I can’t finish anything

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 9th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

The inability to finish a task has got to be the one aspect of my personality I am simply failing to cope with. Through the years I have been able to learn and adapt myself so I can function in a small measure, but this bleeding away of my motivations has become unmanageable.

I have been stamped with many mental disorders such as, depression, generalized anxiety, primary insomnia, agoraphobia and others I care not to mention. However, I have been able to overcome many of those issues after my last break down during which I had a major life style change concerning my health.
I manage my depression very well and am in good control of dead spells. Anxiety is not a issue since I quit smoking, years back. If fact I believe most of my issues started with smoking but did not all end with it.

To get to the point, I am not responding to any type of positive nor negative motivation anymore. This is not the usual end of the world, depressive, can’t do anything emotion. There is no conflict what so ever. It is just “powered off”. I don’t feel depressed, not like I was years back.

At this moment I am trying to get through a bunch of red tape to get medical assistance for a heart condition I have developed but I just can’t seem to go out. It is a rather serious condition that I need to take care of but I can not motivate myself, even though I am in physical pain. This is not a uncommon pattern for me not to be motivated, not finish things, or do what I should. I don’t know why, tasks I do manage to take on are easy for me and don’t really cause me distress if I don’t have to do them even though many people find such tasks complex, impossible or mind numbing.

It is just now that I really really have to do something and now I have a brick for a lower brain that won’t move. I am sure it will be very good if I just get what I need done to take care of this problem. To put a scale on it I would say this is more demotivating then extreme shame but there is no emotion other then a slowly building frustration or the inability to do simple tasks.

Thanks for reading, hope it makes some sense. 😉

Yes, you make sense. Please stop berating yourself. There is a very high correlation between depression and heart disease. From what I’ve read, it’s unclear which causes which. It’s probably a recursive loop, with each contributing to the other.

Psychology Today’s website outlines a few actions to take to help ensure finishing what you start.

“1. Become aware of your pattern of starting and stopping. A way to recognize a possible pattern is to list every past project you can recall. Every class, resolution, language, book, or plan you have begun. (Maybe a close friend can help.) Write down why you started this activity, and when and why you stopped. Can you determine any commonalities?
2. Research more deeply into your next project before jumping in. Learn what others have experienced when aiming toward your same goal. Don’t think you’ll be the first one to learn Mandarin in a month, or the first to complete a novel that needs no revising, or the first to lose much weight and keep it off while never feeling the least bit hungry.
3. Know yourself and try be realistic. If you’re not particularly reality-based by nature, it may be a useful trait to work on. Setting goals that you can’t possibly achieve, while insisting you can and you will, merely sets you up for failure.
4. Make a time line or write out a set of steps toward your goal. Adding structure to your plans can really help. So many words a day, so much time per week promised to this activity, that sort of thing. It’s not “successes” you’re counting at this point, but rather specific efforts you can realistically make.
5. Ensure your main motivation is intrinsic. Do you really want to do this for personally meaningful reasons? Or do you think finishing your book will get you lots of money or girls (or the equivalent)? If you can find pleasure in the doing, in the learning, you won’t get as anxious when things take longer than expected.”

Somehow you found the motivation to write. Now please scrape together the motivation to find a friend or relative who can organize you until you can organize yourself. You have a serious condition. You need to get to your appointments. You need to inform your cardiologist about your moods and ask that there be collaboration with a psychiatrist. Your body is one organism with each part affecting the others. I therefore believe it’s wise to approach treatment in the same way — dealing with both issues at once. I hope this is helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Sister Doesn’t Understand My Mental Illness

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 8th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a way older sister that I am close to. We don’t live close, in fact, in different sides of the USA, but we are still kind of close to each other. We are close emotionally I mean, as sisters. Anyway, I have schizoaffective disorder and I have tried to talk to her about it. Although she doesn’t think I have it. We haven’t lived in the same house actually since she went off to college years ago before I got diagnosed. I got diagnosed at 17. We haven’t lived in the same house since I was 9, but we are still kind of close. We talk at least once a week a bit, sometimes more. I’ve become a lot more reclusive since I’ve been diagnosed and have kept and continue to keep things to myself. She believes I only suffer from depression or anxiety and has questioned whether I just make my, diagnosed, delusions up for attention.

Since I was about 20 I stopped talking about my illness with her and some other family. Though she knows some things because of my numerous hospital stays but I quit talking about it one on one with her because I think she thinks I fake it or something. Which I don’t. I’ve been to numerous doctors and hospitals that have confirmed my diagnosis since I was 17. I have at one point questioned my diagnosis but after so many opinions and hospital stays, I realize it is true.

By now I’m wondering if she just has a hard time accepting it rather than genuinely think I’m faking it. What do you think?

She does not talk about it when I used to mention it. She doesn’t hold the conversation when I used to mention it… so I think it kind of makes her uncomfortable, too. I can mention my sadness or something and she’ll talk with me but the psychosis part, I wont get a reply on. I kind of feel disappointed but mostly not because it’s embarrassing for me. I think she may think I don’t have it too because she doesn’t live with me and is not around me to see my episodes (has never been around first hand to), but she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it either. I don’t push it, anyway. I live with another family member though that does believe I have it. I have lived with them for a long time though anyway; my whole life.

The reason it disappoints me is because the part she doesn’t want to talk about is a major part of my life.

What do you think?

I think you are a resilient and brave person and it would behoove you to have either a family therapist or the doctor who diagnosed you to have a meeting with you and your sister. Involve any other family members who are interested so they can ask questions, get information and understand a little bit more about your struggle and courage in dealing with this. Having information coming from a professional is often a better way for family members to learn and understand.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Tired of Dealing with Anxiety

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 5th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dealing with anxiety for a few years now and I am just so tired of it. I’ve probably had anxiety since high school but didn’t really know it until college. I had a really hard time when I went away to school. I was lonely, upset, and stressed so I reached out to the counseling center. I have been seeing the same counselor now since my first semester of college (I will be going into my fourth year in August). I have gone through a few really rough times at school- crying everyday, feeling stressed an anxious even when I was having fun with my friends, just not knowing what to do or how to relax. Going to counseling has definitely helped me, but I feel like I need to do something else because I am still experiencing anxiety after all these years.

Many times the counselor recommended that I consider medication. I was always very opposed to it. One time last semester though I had an appointment during one of my very low points and I just had a complete breakdown to her. I had never cried to her before in all of the years that I have seen her. I think that was the first time I really let her in on all of my thoughts and feelings. During this session, medication was brought up again. I was so stressed that I agreed maybe I could consider it. I did agree to make an appointment to meet with the psychiatrist. The appointment was terrible for me, it was so stressful to have to be open and tell someone I didn’t know all about myself, my thoughts, and my feelings (It took a while for me to do that with my counselor). He officially diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and separation anxiety and did want to prescribe me medication. I decided that I didn’t want it though. I don’t want to have to rely on a pill to make me feel relaxed. I want to be able to handle my stress and just move on. So the idea of medication is out. Last semester I also tried a mindfulness meditation group. That didn’t go so well. It was stressful for me to be in a therapy-like setting with other people. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and going to the meetings caused me a lot of anxiety, so I stopped going to them. It was hard for me to sit in calmness with my thoughts.

Something changed by the end of the semester and I felt I had the anxiety under control and the counselor even said that she didn’t think I needed to see her next year if I didn’t want to. IT was a great feeling. Now, in the summer, my anxiety has returned. I’m going to be a counselor at a camp for a couple weeks and I’m so nervous. I’m scared about being away in an unfamiliar place with people I don’t know. I’m worried about being stressed and having the anxiety kick in while I’m away. Part of me wished I wasn’t even going, yet I’m glad I am because I like to challenge my anxiety. I want to talk to my counselor about this, but I don’t know if she has summer hours or if I can make an appointment since I’m not taking summer classes or anything. I get nervous about calling the counseling center, but I’m going to try and find the courage to do it. I’m so tired of the anxiety coming back after I feel like I have it under control. It’s even more stressful then because then I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I just want to be able to handle my stress and not let it affect me so much.

With all this being said, do you have any advice about how to deal with my anxiety (please don’t suggest medication) or about the situation with camp this summer?

Thank you for asking this question. I admire you resilience in coping with this. GAD and separation anxiety can be difficult to cope with and the courage you are finding to keep looking for answers is quite commendable.

I would make three recommendations the first is exercise. Exercise has a very particular influence on the brain in that it produces BDNF, a protein that helps with transmission of various neurotransmitters in the brain. Here’s an article I’ve written that includes information about this.

The other activity that is getting widespread research and usage is yoga. Almost any style would be helpful, but the practice of yoga tends to be very helpful in coping with anxious feelings.

Finally, you may want to talk to your registered dietitian — particularly one associated with your local health food store. The additive GABA is an amino acid that is not medicine and yet has had some interesting uses treating anxiety. You may want to research this and talk to your counselor about it. Here is some research on yoga and GABA you might find interesting.

I wish you well with this and again I admire your resilience and coping. Keep challenging your anxiety.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Need Help and I’m Scared

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 5th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young man in the U.S.: My issue is I believe I need help and i don’t know how to get it. I feel extremely depressed and I want to just end all the pain I have inside and i don’t know what to do.

I feel like a failure for even posting this like I feel like if I go see a doctor I’m a bigger failure and should just end everything because I’m a failure and I hate it. I’m so lost I don’t know what to do anymore I need help and I’m scared.

I’m a single dad of 2 kids and I’m a failure at everything, what do I do? If I leave my kids I’m an even bigger failure but I know I’m making life for them hard but I’m trying and I can’t seem to get anything right anymore and I’m slipping away.

You made an important first step toward helping yourself by writing to us here at LifeHelper. Asking for help doesn’t make you a failure. From my point of view, a guy who tries to tough it out instead of reaching for help is the failure. Asking for help takes courage and hope and an inner belief that there is help out there that is actually helpful.

And there is help out there. You are depressed. Depression is treatable. You need to look for a psychologist or licensed mental health counselor who can provide you with the support and sounding board you need to recover. A course of medication may also be helpful initially. But there is no magic pill that will make things all better. You do need to sign on for a few months or more of talk therapy to help you learn new skills for coping and to bolster your self-esteem. You deserve it. Your kids deserve a dad who feels better and better about himself.

I also suggest that you look for a support group of single dads in your area. There is nothing so encouraging as talking with other people who are wrestling with the same issues. A local mental health clinic may be able to point you to such a group.

If you can’t find an established group, consider starting one. Parenting is hard – especially when you are doing it alone. All you need to do is put an ad on FB or in your local paper and you’ll probably find a few guys who are also struggling and who need some male friends to talk to about it. Set up a regular meeting time and place and give it a chance.

When they are done well, groups like this aren’t “lemon sessions” where people just complain. In a successful group, people share tips for managing the challenges of raising kids, give each other support, and help each other find needed resources. If leading such a group and keeping the guys focused on positive solutions rather than negativity seems daunting, ask a local therapist to help you get a group established.

In the meantime, consider joining one of the forums here on LifeHelper. Click on the Help tab on the homepage. People from all over the world provide each other with practical information and emotional support.

As I said: You made a very important first step by writing. Now take the next step and get the help you need and deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m not in a constant state of sadness, but I have moments where I feel very sad, sometimes even suicidal. I recently asked my parents if I could get a therapist, but I only mentioned stress because I thought they would be too worried if I mentioned depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. However, I did end up telling my principal two days ago that I think about harming myself about once a week, which means she told my dad that I do. He’s in another country, so he’s not addressing it directly; he has just been writing more emails to me.
I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago (about a month after school started), and ever since then, I feel very awkward when talking to anyone besides the people I have known for two years. I’m always unconsciously thinking about what to say next. I know I have a lot of friends at school, but it just does not feel comfortable talking to any of them (this is my first year going to this school). Before I broke up with my boyfriend, I was just shy in talking to some people, not awkward. I am theorizing that breaking up with him has done something to my conscience, but I’m not entirely sure why.

When I talked to my principal, she told me that I strike off to her as a very confident person. It’s very strange because I have a really bad self-image, and I think I’m one of the most unconfident people in the world. I hate myself, and whenever I talk to myself, it’s very negative.
My mom makes me very angry sometimes, and it can make me suicidal. It can also make me look psychotic. I don’t exactly remember how because I think I cope with things by forgetting everything that happened.

Sometimes, I wanna cry, but I just physically can’t. I can’t cry until something just completely breaks me, usually a caring email from my dad. I only ever have nightmares. The last good or neutral one I remember is from about 5 years ago. I just dreamed today that I was kidnapped. I’ve never been abused or had any sort of trauma, so this is all very confusing.

Anyway, the main thing that made me wanna write here is that I can’t naturally have a conversation with anyone anymore. How do I fix this? How do I stop worrying about what people think? How do I start being myself again when I don’t even know what my personality is or used to be?

I can hear your persistence and bravery and trying to address these uncomfortable feelings in your life. I think you’ve done all the right things. Letting your principal know is a good thing and, even though your dad is away and hasn’t been able to help very much, the important thing is that you’re talking to somebody about your thoughts and feelings.

The kind of things you are talking about are symptoms that professional people have learned a great deal about. If your parents will not let you see a therapist, or are slow to make those arrangements, ask to see your general physician or pediatrician. When you talk to him or her explain these thoughts and he or she will be able to get you the help you need. The important thing is that you keep reaching out and letting people know what’s going on.

You may also want to use our online forums to make a connection with others dealing with similar issues.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Jealous of Brother and His Wife

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 1st, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My brother and his wife dated, traveled the world, and lived together for 8 years before marriage while doing their studies, all unknown to my parents. At the same time they got married, I got into my first relationship, which remains to this day, a long distance one, with us occasionally meeting once in a few months under parental supervision. It has been the most difficult 3 years, I cannot even begin to explain the frustration in words. We don’t have the luxury of sneaking off on trips because neither of us has the financial ability to or emotional support from our parents to do so.

In the few times that we have had a chance to meet discreetly, we tried, but were unable to have intercourse. Probably because we were so desperate, not knowing when we would meet again, and given the short period of time, we wanted to seal the deal. My sense of self-worth and my emotional state took a massive beating. I visited a OB/GYN to get checked and ensure something wasn’t wrong with me.

I have since degenerated very quickly. For months now I have been deeply jealous of my brother and sister-in-law. I am resentful that they had the chance to live together and travel the world before marriage, and that I never will. I once heard them have sex, and went into a panic attack. I am resentful I cannot have this or any human pleasure in my life for a long time.

On top of that, my brother’s relationship with me has drastically changed. He shares everything with his wife which I’m not comfortable about. So I am increasingly afraid, and even mistrustful of him. I feel constantly judged by them. As a result, I avoid and keep my conversations with him and his wife to the bare minimum.

I want to regain control of my emotions. I value all these relationships that I have. But I am not able to look beyond my resentments and be positive that things will turn around, because 3 years, I have felt this way, and resentment is the only emotion I know. What can I do to help myself?

Everything available to your brother was and is available to you. You are pointing to his successful relationship as if it were a roadblock in yours. When we are jealous of something someone else has that is good — it points toward our own limitation — not their success.

You state your age as 26, so it is time to reclaim your individuation. Rather than focus on what you brother is or isn’t doing, it is time to turn the attention inward. Resentment is an insidious emotion. In fact, such organizations like Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) have specifically identified as the “number one” offender. Yet, researchers are just learning more about its mechanics. What we do know is that when there is resentment someone, in some situation, has seemingly taken away our freedom.

The key word here is seemingly. In their book, The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles, Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte, apply the best of todays work on how to manage our negative emotions by offering techniques to deal with them. One particularly important section is on thinking traps — common patterns of thoughts that prevent us from seeing a situation accurately.

I would first get a copy of this book, and then look for a therapist to help you sort thought this difficult feeling and help transform it. Check out the find help tab at the top of the page for a therapist near you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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