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Both Self-Hating & Narcissistic?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 20th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello there. This is my first time ever actually posting on a forum like this, so I’m sorry if I don’t know how to properly explain myself.

I have had problems with self harm before, just once, back in 2012. My mom found out and so did my younger brother and out of shame I stopped, but I never sought out professional help. I got better by just focusing all my negative energy on extreme exercise and spending lots, and lots of time with my younger brother, who has become my best friend. Lately I’m feeling weird again though, going back to feeling uninterested in my usual hobbies and just wanting to sleep. It’s been pretty bad this last week and I thought it’d be over by now but now the same things that happened before I cut are happening again — I’m becoming more and more self hating and less interested in connecting. But the actual problem here is that I have really aggressive ups and downs between self hating and narcissism. How can this even be? I sometimes get really rude thoughts about how I’m better than most people (which, I am aware is bad and I try to dismiss them quickly) and I feel like people don’t have the right to see me down or sobbing or “pathetic”. But then it turns, suddenly, into me hating myself and feeling inadequate and useless and I hate it. Everything with me is one extreme or the other and it makes it hard to fix my issues.

I want to become more productive and become a better person but I don’t care enough. My interest fades out just as quickly as it appears. I hate people too much to want to connect but at the same time I can feel less than them. Yeah, I’m not really sure how to work around this. There’s a lot more black and white things I feel. Is this normal? How do I stop it? Is it necessary for me to seek professional help?

Thank you very much for your time

Whenever you notice a potential problem developing, it is wise to seek help. Mental health professionals are trained to deal with these types of problems. Counseling is the process of analyzing one’s thoughts to determine if an individual’s thinking is consistent with reality. Counseling would be the ideal solution to this problem.

People engage in self-harm whenever they don’t feel good about themselves. Self-harm is self-punishment. By its very nature, it is self-destructive. It’s a maladaptive attempt at solving one’s problems.

Counseling, on the other hand, is the opposite of maladaptive coping. It’s the purposeful learning of problem-solving skills. We are not born knowing how to solve our own problems. Everyone faces life problems, but not everyone is equipped with the proper skill set to manage these problems. These skills must be learned. In the absence of problem-solving skills, people tend to engage in maladaptive strategies such as self-harm.

I would strongly recommend counseling. Ask your primary care physician for referral. Some primary care physicians even have in-house licensed clinical social workers to assist patients with more immediate psychological care. Perhaps your primary care physician has such a service. If not, he or she can refer you to a counselor in the community. The sooner you seek help, the sooner you can stabilize your mood. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Something Wrong with Me All My Life

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 20th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Since I was a child I’ve been struggling with all kinds of hardships coming from being kind of smarter than peers, introverted and extremely sensitive; I began experiencing at an early age a lot of shame towards myself, coming with the feeling of not being good enough, learning to hide my true self in order to fit in, and having to cope with a lot of anxiety. As an adult, I’ve managed to build myself a seemingly ordinary life – a steady job, marriage and kids – but it cost, and it still costs, me an exhausting amount of mental effort and pain to keep it going. At times I feel emotionally detached from everything and everyone for days or weeks, in a nihilistic “nothing matters” way which allows me to perform well in daily tasks, and then shift to having to cope on a daily basis with huge amounts of anxiety and wild mood and self-esteem swings triggered by trivial stuff, which impair my ability both at work and in family life. In either case, there’s always a constant underlying feeling of “blue” or “longing” for something, like a missing piece preventing me from ever feeling truly happy and fulfilled with my life. I tried discussing this with my partner and close friends to no avail, they all believe it’s just the way things go with adult responsibilities, and that I’m overstating my struggles and should “man up” I don’t believe what I feel is normal, but maybe I’m wrong. I honestly don’t know, so my question is: what could it be, and should I check myself with a psychologist? Thank you. (From Italy)

Thank you for your email. I appreciate your struggle and am very glad you are reaching out. The thing that strikes me most about your question is that your opening sentence highlights the fact you know you are smart, but that you see this as a cause of many of your issues. While I understand and appreciate that perspective, I believe your intelligence and thoughtfulness can be your way out. Intelligence can be a real asset in transformation. You’ll need to direct your mind in the service of your heart.

The four elements you’ve identified: shame towards yourself, not feeling good enough, hiding your true self to fit in, and having to cope with a lot of anxiety, I believe are all coming from the same place inside you. Your capacity for self-acceptance, self-efficacy, and self-esteem are all somehow being blocked by a lack of self-compassion. Check out this blog by LifeHelper’s Margarita Tartakovsky and this brief video on the bottom of my homepage on cultivating self-compassion.

Self-compassion allows you to embody the differences and struggles you bring into your life. When we turn out attention to others for approval, get naturally frustrated by the impossibility of pleasing everyone, and then shut off in a nihilistic way the implosion into the self happens as n act of protection, but then cuts us off from what we seem to need.

Self-compassion reverses this process by starting on the inside. We tend to have a relationship with ourselves that mirrors the relationship we have with others (as Jung might have said) and if we can’t heal that on the outside beginning with self-compassion can heal this in the opposite way. I would highly recommend the book Stop Missing Your Life by Cory Muscara as a way to start embracing who you are and becoming more gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’ve Had Many Past Experiences with Disorders But Am Unsure of What’s Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 20th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m very sure that I have some kind of disorder. I have been diagnosed with ADHD when I was 12 but that’s about it. However I always knew there was more. When I was 10-11 I remember pretending to be a character I made up. I was quite unpopular and was being kind of bullied by a few other girls. After a while I starting seriously planning on killing them and once planned on summoning demons or something to send out to brutally murder them. It felt like someone else controlled my thoughts, making think that kind of stuff. I eventually realized that that wasn’t normal or healthy and so I eventually stopped thinking that way. I’d say it was like cutting a toxic person out of your life. Even though there was no one but me. I also remember clearly, that on my way of cutting that ‘person’ out of my life, I’d get more and more depressed and started harming myself. (Cutting my wrist and thighs.) I don’t really remember much after that but I seemed to somehow have gotten out of it. That was about two to three years ago I think. I can only remember some more bits and pieces and that’s it. Though, in the past two months I found myself getting very anxious and paranoid. I’m very anxious in social situations and am scared of my friends thinking badly of me. I’ve also been hearing random thoughts come into my mind, usually being suicidal ones even though I myself don’t feel suicidal. I’d also sometimes feel like there’s someone watching me or I’d see things like black figures for a split second before they disappear. I’ve never gone to therapy or have been diagnosed with anything besides ADHD.

Diagnosis is impossible over the internet, but I can provide some insight into the problems you have described. It’s always necessary to consult a mental health professional in person to acquire a diagnosis. They would be in the best position to know what may be wrong.

When you were a child, you created a fictional character in response to an extremely stressful situation in which you were being bullied. Unfortunately, in our culture, the experience of bullying is common. National statistics indicate, that among students, at least one third report regularly experiencing bullying. Research indicates that females often report a higher rate of bullying than males, in certain circumstances. Cyberbullying is particularly prevalent among female students. In one study, nearly 37% reported having experienced online abuse at least one time in their lives. Interesting, only 10% admitted to bullying others.

At first, you reacted by creating a fictional character. That was likely your way of mentally escaping the pain associated with being a victim of bullying. You then started plotting to kill the perpetrators, in a variety of ways. Your desire to harm the people who were harming you is understandable (but also wrong). Thankfully, you never acted on your fantasies.

You also wrote that you thought someone else had been controlling your homicidal fantasies. The fact that you “eventually realized that it wasn’t normal or healthy,” and were able to make positive changes, would suggest that no one else was controlling your thoughts. Those were your thoughts, in response to a difficult situation. It is important to acknowledge that you, on your own, decided against homicide as a solution to this problem. Once you realized the errors of your thinking process, you made the proper correction. That’s a very positive outcome and it shows your ability to make positive changes.

Once you cut that homicidal “person” out of your life, you turned on yourself. You grew depressed, started harming yourself and contemplating suicide. Think of this as your third attempt to deal with your strong and painful emotions.

The examples you have provided perfectly describe maladaptive coping responses. People engage in maladaptive responses when they simply lack better ways of coping with the problems in their lives. If you knew a better way, you would have utilized it. In all likelihood, you lacked a role model or someone in your life who could teach you what you needed to know about effective problem solving.

As you stated in your letter, you’ve never gone to therapy but you were diagnosed with ADHD. I’m wondering how you were diagnosed ADHD without ever having consulted a mental health professional. Now would be a good time to consult a mental health professional.

The best solution to this problem is counseling. That is where you can learn useful coping skills. We are not born knowing these skills. If no one teaches us, and we don’t learn them on their own, then we simply never learn them. The good news is that you can learn what you need to know in counseling. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Don’t Really Know What’s Going On

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 19th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: i don’t do much of anything. i lay in my room, currently living in my aunt’s home, sleeping mostly. hardly listen to music, or go out. i don’t even speak to people anymore. i don’t feel comfortable leaving my room when people are awake and home. it’s difficult to go to work everyday. some days i feel like i can take on the world. mostly though, i don’t want to be a part of anything. or feel anything. i don’t feel a part of anything really, kind of like floating through the day to go to sleep. i feel apathetic about most things, and when i don’t i shove those feelings away, sometimes consciously while other times unconsciously.

some part of me feels like somethings wrong or missing, but i don’t know what it is. somewhere along the way i just lost all drive to do anything anymore. most of the time when i’m awake, i just sit on my bed and think, or allow myself to become engrossed in some tv show I’ve seen before. It takes me a few minutes to leave my room and see people i live with, my family, albeit i don’t know why. i know it feels uncomfortable, like i don’t want to interact with them. sometimes i feel like i’m being judged by them about the things i’m eating or what i might do.

i don’t have any friends really, either i pushed them away because of the bad influence they had on me or they decided i don’t really matter i suppose.

maybe i should see someone, but i don’t have insurance to see anyone or would even know how to go about it all. how can you ask for help when you don’t even know what you need help for? yeah I’ve been suicidal, but i haven’t done it, so i wouldn’t say i’m depressed. i only attempted it once, and it’s kind of funny when you think about it. i was young, maybe 10? a time i would wear capes or a tail as a child. i used bungee cords to try and hang myself aha. needless to say it didn’t work. haven’t had an attempt like that since.

ultimately, i just feel disconnected from myself. Some days, i just, exist.

I know this isn’t much to go on, and i don’t expect a reply. thanks for your time.

Although I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, I can tell you that what you report is consistent with depression. I don’t know why you don’t think you are depressed. Look up the symptoms: #/disorders/depression/.

It’s highly unusual for a 10 year old to attempt suicide. It suggests to me that there may have been a traumatic experience that is at the root of what you are feeling now. If that is the case, you need to see a therapist who specializes in trauma.

To get your life back on track, you do need to see a therapist. Sitting around in your room isn’t going to help you feel better or more connected. You already know that. So — it’s time to get the help you need and deserve.

Ask your doctor if there is a clinic in your area that offers free or low cost therapy. If you can’t find a therapist you can afford, take a look at this article: #/lib/when-you-cant-afford-psychotherapy/.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Lost My Youth to Eating Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 15th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a male, 23 years old, and I suffered from anorexia nervosa for over 6 years. I recovered at 21 years old without any professional or family help and it wasn’t until i was 22 that i told family and friends that i once had the disorder. They were both angry and not surprised.

I’m terrified of what my life turned into during that stage in life. I became so completely consumed with by the disorder, enveloping myself with these figments of imaginary fat on my body while I completely forgot to grow up, to be responsible, to be social. I’m only now graduating college. I went part time through much of my college career due to health issues or cancellation of courses by the university.

I feel like a huge part of me froze, the part that was to develop into this young man. Instead, after recovering, i see how stunted I am. Physically I look 18, emotionally I am not ready for any kind of relationship, I just recently learned to drive, and have yet to begin my career. I feel like anorexia took a huge chunk of my life that i can’t even remember.

I work, have a large circle of friends, currently finishing up my final semester at the university, doing multiple internships, and trying so hard not to feel hatred for what I’ve become. I have this intense need to play “catch up” with my life, to be the perfect whatever, to make up for lost time. And to always remember not to overdo it with the dieting.

I’ve been taking initiative these past 2 years but…at 23 years old I already feel like I lost my youth.

It is an insightful observation that your emotional and psychological growth may have been stunted by your eating disorder. The unfortunate results of that observation, however, are your feelings of self-hatred. Those are difficult feelings to live with. Because of your unhappiness, I would recommend counseling.

Many people enter counseling when they are unhappy with their lives. To find the best therapist, begin the process by calling at least five to 10. Be detailed about what specifically you would like help with. Ask them about the type of treatment they would offer. You may feel a connection to one or several of therapists on the phone. Choose several promising therapists and visit them in person. Continue this process until you find a therapist with whom you feel the most comfortable. That process should help you find your best match.

Once you begin therapy, you should quickly begin to feel progress, though it may be slight. You should feel a little better after each session. Each session should leave you with something to think about. Therapy is not always an easy process but it is worth the effort.

I also want to congratulate you on overcoming a very serious mental health condition. I’m sure that was not easy and your story is an inspiration to others. You should be proud of your major life achievement. It would be a mistake to minimize that successful aspect of your life. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Getting Help without Money or Insurance

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 10th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am aware that I have some serious problems that need attention. I have a very dark past, which I could spend a lot of time elaborating on but no one wants to read the novel of my life. The short version is ever since I was a young child life has dealt me a bad hand. Physical and emotional abuse, my parents ugly divorce, being abandoned and taken advantage of by people I trusted, being bullied at school and at work, attempted suicide, self harm, just to name the big ones. I’ve always struggled to cope with these things, but I guess its messed me up because when attempting to self-diagnose using the internet my symptoms match up with everything from aspergers to all types of schizophrenia. And I have had these symptoms since I was about ten. They are so bad that I truly struggle to function in the general population, and just can’t change myself no mater how hard I try.

So today I am 20 years old, and have decided to write because I feel I am teetering on the edge. I recently lost my job and my home, and I have gotten so much worse. I don’t even know what else to say. I am a train wreck and every day think about ending it all for good. I know I need help. But I just don’t have the means. I don’t know what to do. I don’t belong in the world, so leaving it just seems like the logical thing to do. But for the sake of my friends (all two of them) whom I love, I have to try. This is my last ditch effort. My question is, how do I get professional help for this with no money or insurance?

I’m glad that you are willing to seek help. You may feel like things are very bad for you, especially after recently losing your job and your home but there is help, especially for someone like you who wants help.

Problems are a part of life. We all have them, sometimes more than other times, and some people have more problems than others do. The key to dealing with life problems is possessing strong problem-solving skills. Not everyone has these skills, mainly because not everyone has had the opportunity to learn them. Sometimes, our caregivers don’t possess these skills and thus can’t teach us what they themselves don’t know.

Not having health insurance might make accessing professional help more difficult but it is still possible. Community mental health centers offer free or low-cost services. Typically, when you make an appointment, you will be asked about your level of income and at that point it will be determined how much each psychotherapy session will cost. Often, people without a steady income do not have to pay. Contact your local community mental health center to determine the cost of services.

You can also contact the local health department who can advise you about free or low-cost psychological services in your community.

Is there a university or college in your town? If so, these institutions may offer free or low-cost psychological services. You can determine what services are available, perhaps by checking the institutions’ websites.

Some universities also have opportunities to participate in psychological research. Participants are often compensated and given treatment that may include medication or psychotherapy. Participating in a research study may be a way to receive free treatment and compensation for your time and effort.

It’s important to view your situation through the proper perspective. You lost your job and your home. Anyone in your situation would be feeling hurt but don’t assume that your life will always be this difficult. There are many ups and downs in life. It’s important to continue to be resilient and to seek the proper mental health assistance to help you through this difficult time. I hope you’re able to find the help that you desire. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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My Best Friend’s Self-Harming

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 8th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My best friend is turning 21 and she’s got a pretty scarred childhood what with being raped by her adopted, iron fist, controlling, Christian father and her father’s priest friend as a child, then again later by someone else. Her family by the way has legally disowned her because she’s not Christian. Like wtf!? Overkill much? Then not to mention being beaten senseless by a group of guys she knows not long ago, but won’t tell me their names because she knows I’d make them eat out of straws. She loves to have fun and drinks quite a lot, but she’s extremely hard on herself, and struggles with accepting failure. She’s also a bit of a bad luck magnet too. And she almost seems to like having her boyfriend never say a single nice thing to her or ever complement her. So she effects this seemingly tough/strong persona on a daily basis. But she, at an increasingly number amount of times, likes to harm herself with thumbtacks. Legs, arms, face, she doesn’t care. And she tells me, “It’s fine I do it all the time, don’t worry about it, I’m fine”. And it’s because she wants to, “feel something”. When drunk, she often cries and then constantly pleads “don’t hit me”, even to me! As well as just today I found out she’s into BDSM and has a couple of whips, a gag ball, and I think some leather cuffs or something?
Also, she continuously claims that no one cares about her and that her funeral would be empty. And so my main concern is that she has now been thinking about suicide because she feels as though she is unstable, or “fucked” as she put it.
She may be right. And I feel as though she simply can’t grasp the fact that, I at least care about her.
But aside from that, I’m really just wanting to know what to do, because I am honestly the only person in her life that truly loves and cares about her.
And also because she refuses to see or talk to anyone about how she’s been feeling except for me.
So pretty much how do I keep my best and only friend, alive and happy?
Anything would be much appreciated.
Thank you.

It’s important to temper your expectations about your ability to help your friend. You can only do so much. You do not have much power in the situation. You can be a supportive friend and suggest counseling and that’s about it. You shouldn’t try to do any more than that. Her issues should be treated by mental health professionals. You’re not a therapist and you should not try to be.

If your friend chooses not to seek help, then you’ll have to decide if you want to continue befriending someone who is not making good choices. She obviously had a very difficult life during childhood but at this point in time, she’s an adult. She can choose to seek help. If she chooses not to, then she is choosing to remain in a state of unhappiness and distress.

You mentioned that she is a bit of a “bad luck magnet.” It may be less bad luck and more bad choices. For instance, you mentioned that she has a boyfriend who seems uncaring. She has the power to end the relationship but she seems to be choosing not to do so.

You also mentioned that she drinks. Drinking is associated with depression and other negative outcomes. She makes the choice to drink but she could also choose not to drink.

You asked the specific question: “how can you keep your best and only friend alive and happy?” You can’t. Suggest that she seek counseling and support her in doing so. That would be the best way to help her. Anything beyond that is not recommended. Thank you for your question. Good luck with your efforts.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Do I Help Myself? I Appear Okay but am Actually Struggling

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 7th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Thank you for your time. I’m not that skilled with words so I apologize if this does not make sense. I am a student athlete who holds several leadership positions on campus. To everyone I seem great but in reality I’m not even close to being okay. Between all of my commitments I am completely overwhelmed. Nothing is fun anymore and has not been for some time now.
Also, I often find myself faced with a deep and powerful hatred toward myself and my mind is often consumed with the notion that I deserve to die. It has progressed to the point that I have been considering suicide as a valid and logical option. Even though cognitively I recognize that it should not even be a consideration.
I fight this everyday and I am afraid of what might happen if I lose control for even a little while. That’s why I so strictly maintain the façade of being completely fine. I fear that if I even allow myself to admit that I am not fine then I would cease to be able to function.
The most frustrating part of this whole situation is that there is no reason for it. My life has been great and there is a copious amount of objective evidence that would indicate that I have no reason and no right to feel like this.
I’m an intensely private and independent person who struggles to open up. So my question is, how do I get past this on my own?

There are two things that immediately jumped out at me from your email. The first is that you apologize about how inarticulate you are, and then proceed to express yourself beautifully. Secondly, at the end you say that you want to take care of this by yourself. But I’m getting from these two comments is that even in spite of clear evidence that you are confident — you are not seeing yourself that way. Additionally, you believe that you have to manage everything on your own.

This is why I so appreciate your reaching out to us here at LifeHelper. This is not something for you to handle alone. The leadership role, the pressure, and the low feelings of confidence are all part of the same package. Somehow, you found yourself in a position where you believe you are the responsible one for many things. This is where a change needs to take place.

Since you are a college I would highly recommend going to the counseling center and have them help you reduce the responsibilities and stresses in your life. It sounds to me like your take on too much — and then feel overwhelmed. The counselors at the center can help you manage this process.

There’s an optimal amount of stress we each need in our life — like a violin string — if it’s pulled too tight it’s out of tune. Learn to define what that optimal level is and stay in that range. Too little won’t work and too much is overwhelming. You did the right thing by reaching out here, and I encourage you to reach out to the counselors at school.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Losing Control?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 5th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Should I return to the UK to get treatment? In short, I had the typical bad childhood. My father was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mum and brother and was constantly in and out of prison. Both of my parents tried to kill themselves and as a teenager I would binge drink, take hard drugs, self harm and starve myself.

Now I’m 21 and I’ll be honest, I thought I would just grow out of that behavior. But I have great difficulty controlling my moods which bounce around from suicidal, euphoric to violent or anxious every hour or so, sometimes within minutes. I have extreme difficulty in making decisions as my thoughts, feelings, opinions and pretty much my whole personality changes around 2 or 3 times A day. I don’t feel like I can trust my thoughts and honestly I have no idea what kind of person I am. I often make impulsive decisions like sleeping with my boss or quitting my job and moving to China. Decisions that I almost always regret and normally I don’t know why I made that decision. I obsess over people in extreme ways and then despise them as soon as I feel they have disappointed me, which maybe just a bored look they gave me or a flippant comment they made. I have weird thoughts and often feel as if people are watching my every move or have ulterior motives no matter what they do, I feel as though i have a rational and irrational side and they are constantly at battle.

Sometimes I talk to people who really I know don’t exist but knowing this doesn’t make it any less real.

I still self harm,I binge drink and am very promiscuous, often engaging in unprotected sex with violent and abusive men and women. I have been moving all over the world trying to get away from this but I think its time to stop and admit that I can’t do this alone, no amount of meditation or self reflection has helped me. My behavior damages my relationships, careers and has left me scarred and bruised. I’m currently living in China, from the research I have done, mental health services are not exactly common. My Chinese is poor and I don’t have the money to pay for a private English speaking therapist.

My question is,is my behavior just part of my personality or is there really some kind of treatment that could make me better? If I return to England I will have to start again, but I really can’t live like this. Is there anything I can do to fix myself? At times I have random impulses to kill myself and extreme urges to throw myself off of balconies or in front of trains. I’m hit by waves of grief which cripple and make it impossible for me to move.

Is it time to admit that I can’t cure myself and get some help? I assume the first step would be seeing my doctor?

Thanks for your help.

You may have had a breakthrough of sorts: “I have been moving all over the world trying to get away from this but I think it’s time to stop and admit that I can’t do this alone…”

You’re right. You can’t do this alone but that’s not to say that you have failed. You’re making the assumption that if only you would’ve tried harder you would’ve succeeded. Mental health professionals spend years in training, earning advanced degrees, learning complicated skills to treat mental health disorders. Without years of training and experience, it is immensely difficult to effectively treat mental health disorders.

You also have a skewed view of your childhood. You described it as “typical” but there’s no such thing as a “typical” bad childhood. No two people, not even siblings who share the same household, have the same experience. What might’ve been traumatic for you may not have been traumatic for a sibling and vice versa. The way in which we are raised, our social class, level of social support, family dynamics, and many other factors, affect our personality, temperament, attitude and shape our worldview.

You could read self-help books. Some of the best include those by M. Scott Peck, David Burns and Abraham Maslow. Maslow’s work is particularly important because he studied psychologically healthy people and described their characteristics. You could benefit by reading about the characteristics of self-actualizing people.

If it’s possible for you to consult a mental health professional, you should. Along with your own self-help research, it could significantly improve your life. Never think that you are beyond help. The people who are the most difficult to help, are those who don’t want help and that’s simply not the case with you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Depression, Suicide Verbalization, Excessive Drinking & Threats

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 5th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Our 25 year old daughter is suffering and we feel helpless. She has struggled for many years with alcohol abuse, drugs and relationships. Her reaction to stress has increased significantly over the last months; melt-downs, destroying property, threatening with knives, excessive drinking, DUI, and severe depression. She refuses to go to the hospital for treatment although she has seen a specialist before. She is more and more becoming a danger to her own safety and those around her. When stressed or emotional she finds people who are enablers but leave her stranded in the most dangerous of places within inner. She has current issues with violations of public drunkenness, DUI, and now assault. What are our options as parents to get her the medical treatment she needs and to protect her and others even though she refuses to recognize or accept the dangers.

Unfortunately, you have few options in this situation because she is an adult. Even if she were diagnosed with a mental illness, the way the laws are written in most states, she has the right to do what she wants, even if it’s destructive. If she’s a danger to herself or to others, she can be involuntarily hospitalized, for a short time, but as soon as she is no longer a danger to herself or to others, she will be released. Upon discharge, the hospital staff will recommend that she participate in treatment and provide her with referrals to local mental health professionals but they cannot force her to participate in treatment.

The other possibility is that she could end up incarcerated. Even when mental illness is present, many people are taken to a jail instead of to a treatment center. There are several reasons why this happens, but primarily it’s because there are fewer mental hospitals in communities than there used to be. It’s sometimes more feasible for police officers to take people to a jail than to a hospital. It is a sad state of affairs.

My recommendation is that you contact the local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) support group in your community or other support groups for parents dealing with similar issues. These groups can provide both emotional support and knowledge about the mental health system that might assist you with your daughter. You might also try visiting the Parents for Care and Treatment Advocacy Center websites. They provide important information concerning individuals with mental illness and treatment options for families caring for a loved one with a mental illness.

It is very difficult to watch someone you love engage in self-destructive behaviors and then realize there is nothing you can do to help. It is an immensely frustrating and helpless feeling. Generally speaking, there is little that you can do to help someone who does not want help. The mental health system has very few options for parents in these situations. Connecting with support groups might be one way to learn more about the local mental health system and potential ways it could be utilized to help your daughter. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Do I Make My Family Understand My Depression?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 4th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

They think it can go away over night. I am currently 18 years of age and have been suffering from depression since I was 9. For years I wasn’t aware of my depression but since it’s gotten worse it’s pretty clear that I am suffering from it. So far it has stopped me from living a normal life, I never go out. I’d rather stay in my room away from everyone, even my own family but now it’s starting to bother them. I know they want to help me and they’re trying to get me started in life by getting me a job but I just feel like they’re pushing me. You see, they’ve gotten me a job in a pub and I only work on Fridays but it’s completely out of my comfort zone, I’m no where near ready for something like this and it’s just adding pressure but my family don’t seem to understand that. They say that only I can help myself get better but I know I can’t do it on my own. I haven’t even been to seen a doctor yet so I haven’t been officially diagnosed with depression but I took an online test that said I have major depression and so I told my mum about it but she just seems to ignore it, thinking it will go away over night. This is really frustrating me, I can’t get the help I need and I’m just getting pushed into a life which I’m not ready for yet, I feel completely useless and pathetic. So far I’ve only refused to go to work, it’s just too much to handle and all I get is shouted at which only makes me feel worse. What do I say to my family to make them understand what I’m going through?

You could try having a serious, heart-to-heart conversation with your parents. If that is not an option, then consider writing them a detailed letter about how you’re feeling. Writing a letter gives you an opportunity to thoroughly explain your experience with depression. It would help to include a statement regarding the seriousness of depression and that excellent treatments are available.

You may want to consider giving them this letter and my response. It might convince them that you could benefit from professional help.

Your parents seem as though they are trying to “push” you out of your depression. They may believe that forcing you out of your “comfort zone” will help you to overcome your symptoms. On one hand, their strategy may not be totally off base. You have gotten to the point where you don’t like leaving your room. Limiting your activities to only those that are within your “comfort zone” reduces your anxiety but it reinforces your fears. Avoiding uncomfortable activities makes your symptoms worse.

On the other hand, their attempts at helping are causing you significant distress and it does not seem to be working. It is also driving you away from them rather than bringing you closer.

Professional help from a mental health professional is what is needed in this situation. Ask your parents if they would be willing to take you to a therapist. A therapist can assist both you and your family in understanding and correcting this situation. Individual therapy and family therapy may both be helpful. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed or Simply Unhappy?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 2nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with Adolescent Scoliosis, a problem with the spine. I had to wear a back brace, as an already shy person this didn’t help as I felt like a freak. When I was 14 I found out the back brace wasn’t working and I needed to have an operation to prevent conditions getting worse.MY friends didn’t even speak to me. Before summer started my mum found out my dad was cheating on her to my complete surprise. I didn’t see it coming and throughout the whole summer I was looking after her and constantly worrying about her.

I did well in my GCSE’s considering. My A-levels were quite the roller-coaster. Not only was the work difficult but I had to battle the back pain I still get and I was lonely as my friendships were not very strong. Particularly in my second year I found it difficult to relate to them as they were all turning 18 but not me. My results were poor even though I’d worked hard. Throughout my A-level years I felt under intense pressure as my teachers expected high grades but I felt so negative about my prospects due to the back pain I would have to put up with during exams and my low expectations.

Currently I am studying a foundation degree but I am still feeling down and not optimistic about the future. I have no friends that I can talk to and no one I can go out with. I am constantly getting upset and having bouts of hopelessness. Things that would make me happy such as my boyfriend saying he loves me and me meaning the world to him don’t seem to register. When doing assignments and work I sit there knowing that I should be able to do it but I can’t seem to concentrate. When at home I sleep to pass the time even when i’m not tired as my usual hobbies do not make me happy anymore. With my history it is difficult with my history to know whether I have any sign of depression or whether I will grow out of it. I have been waiting it out for at least 3 years thinking it is teenage hormones. I know I am still young but with my history I am not sure whether this i! s normal or if I am depressed.

Please give yourself lots of credit. You have dealt with far more than most young people ever have to deal with and still managed to get decent grades and to be a support to your mum. I think you are one amazing young woman.

You are having a very normal reaction to an “abnormal” situation. No one is prepared to deal with chronic pain or chronic illness. It often wears a person down. You have done very well to make it this far without professional help and support. I’m surprised and dismayed that the medical doctors didn’t refer you to a counselor long ago.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I can tell you that what you are reporting is consistent with a diagnosis of depression. You may have used up most of your reserves for coping with an extremely challenging situation. Please don’t feel bad about yourself for that. It’s like a battery that has been constantly discharging. At some point, you have to recharge it for it to keep working.

I think you need to see a mental health counselor to talk about all you’ve been through and to renew your inner resources. From all you’ve said, I have every confidence that you will make good use of therapy. Your therapist will help you learn new ways to cope and may help you find some new ways to manage the pain.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Just Started Cutting Myself…

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 15 years old and just started cutting myself last night, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My biological father died the beginning of this month, and I just feel like crap. All my mom and step-dad do is yell at me, I have no friends and no one to talk to. I’m so far behind in my school work and I think about killing myself all the time. I’ve felt bad and had problems even before things started getting worse. I was actually diagnosed with bipolar when I was 10, but my mother took me out of therapy after the lady said I had bipolar. If I mention anything about the diagnosis she just says there is nothing wrong with me and that I’m fine. I go to an online schooling program so I never leave the house and spend most of my time in my room. I do start normal school next year though. Last night I just felt horrible and I just don’t know. I hate to admit it but I don’t really take care of myself either. It’s really hard for me to get out of bed and brush my teeth or take a shower. I don’t really do anything anymore. I don’t think I could be put in therapy. Even if my parents would allow me to go they wouldn’t be able to afford it. Everything just got worse after my dad died. We were not close so I didn’t think it would affect me when he died. He did drugs, cheated on my mom, he even threatened to kill us when I was a kid. I don’t think my mom really helped, she would tell us everything he would say. Doctors threatened to put me and my brother in foster care because of the condition we were living in. Now my mom has been married to this guy for 4 years and they fight all the time. We live in a trailer so I can always here when their fighting. My grades have dropped and I just don’t know. I feel like this is all over the place. What’s should I do?

I am so glad you chose to write us here and tell us what’s been going on. I’m sorry that you lost your dad. Profound losses in our lives can often throw us off. It sounds like your mom and stepdad have more on their own plate than they can handle. This means it is time for you to take care of your needs more directly. Just like you reached out here — I am going to encourage you to reach out directly and your community for help. Your city has a large and well organized woman center. Your parents aren’t giving you the help you need so it is time to ask these agencies directly. If you have begun cutting please do this sooner rather than later. The center has low or no cost therapy that you should be able to use.

In the meantime please use our forums here at LifeHelper to talk with others about what you are going through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Can a Person with a History of Depression Have a Career in Psychology?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 1st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Some Questions Regarding Clin. Psych. Careers and Prior Mental Illness. I know that on the surface this looks somewhat like a question that has already been asked by someone, but I really do have some new questions on the subject, so I would appreciate it if you’d be willing to answer!

I am currently considering a career change. Since I have an interest in clinical psychology and I like talking to people and helping them find solutions to their problems, I was wondering if I should go for a PhD in this subject. My main issue is this: I am currently being treated for ADHD, anxiety, and intermittent bouts of depression. In addition, I have had a couple of depressive episodes in the past. I hope, however, that I will be able to conquer these issues (at least for the most part) in significantly less time than the 7-8 years between now and when I would be able finish a PhD program.

Do you think that it would be unwise to pursue that course of action (i.e. perhaps start preparing to apply for PhD programs next year) when I don’t yet have my life completely under control? I am still trying to get on top of a lot of issues related to the ADHD and to some extent the anxiety. On the other hand, I do hope to make improvements in these areas and if I don’t at least make enough preparations so that I could apply for grad schools by next year, I feel like after that point I won’t be at a time in my life where I can reasonably spend 6 more years as a student. (I didn’t do any undergrad work in psychology, so before applying to grad schools I would need about 18 hours of undergraduate work and probably some experience working in a lab. This means I do have to plan pretty far in advance if I want to attempt the PhD.)

Also, another question I have is this: Do you think, as someone with a history of depression, I would be able to be a therapist and listen to other people talking about their depression, suicidal ideation, etc., without those feelings being “contagious” even if I were not currently depressed?

I am currently in a training program for a crisis hotline, and I am hoping that this volunteer experience might be able to help me gauge the answer to that question a bit, but I would still really appreciate it if you could give me your perspective on the issue. Thanks for taking the time to read all this, and thanks for any advice and input you can give!

Your questions share the basic premise of whether someone with a history of mental health issues should or could become a counselor to others with similar issues. The answer is it depends.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) follows the model of having former addicts counsel individuals currently struggling with addiction. It’s an effective method partly because theoretically former addicts understand addiction; they have experienced it and have battled it. They can empathize with the struggles of addiction, perhaps in ways that a person who has never experienced addiction can.

The same may be true regarding depression and other related disorders but not if the depression is severe and incapacitating. Generally speaking, if an individual is experiencing depression and is not able to self-stabilize, he or she is not in some form of treatment and has no intention of seeking treatment, then I may advise them against pursuing a career in counseling until their depression is under control. The main reason would be because it is extremely important that the therapist be as psychologically healthy as he or she can be. The advice that a therapist gives their clients has to be as accurate as possible. Giving erroneous advice can actually do harm to clients.

People who have had depression and may experience it mildly or intermittently may be able to pursue a career in counseling and be very successful. Having had depression, similar to how former addicts advise current addicts, may give you insight into the illness that others who have not experienced depression would not have. In this way, having had depression may help you in your counseling career.

Having had depression has the potential to make you a better therapist but it would be inaccurate to say that just because you had depression you’d make a better therapist than some who has not.

Having had depression should not bar you from pursuing a career in counseling. In fact, many who enter the field of counseling are individuals who were helped by therapy. They’re motivated by the help they received and often express a desire to “give back” and help others as they have been helped.

I want to also mention that the fact that you are taking a job as a crisis worker is a very smart idea. That job will give you a chance to see what it is like to give advice to individuals who are depressed. The job of a crisis hotline worker can be intense and extremely challenging. It might be a good way to gauge how you feel about a career in counseling.

Lastly, try not to put timelines and arbitrary pressure on yourself to get into a PhD program. You’ll know when and if you are ready, even if it takes a few years to know for sure.

I hope this answers your questions. Thanks for writing.

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What is the Point of Living?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 28th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t see the point of living anymore: i’m here because i’m afraid suicide if the only thing that makes sense for me to do now, but am open to other opinions. first of all, i don’t believe in god, so there’s no spiritual theater that needs to be addressed. i was in an accident 2 years ago which led to 2 things: back pain and juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. i dont enjoy my life–i have more doctors than friends, my family is disgusted with how antisocial and isolated ive become. the only people i talk to are those i see online playing video games, my friends all go to school hours (if not states) away. i have a serious addiction to perscription pain drugs, which my parents know about and are disgusted with.

My family was my strength but my parents are now getting a divorce, my sister is a pathological liar (telling people she’s pregnant at 14), my other sister has turned to cigarettes to keep from cutting herself, my older sister has become the worlds biggest bitch but is moving away with her husband this week. my dad pops anxiety medicine 3 times a day and then scolds me for taking my vicodin, my mom goes to virginia every other weekend to meet with what is most likely her lover and asks me for a few pills each time before she heads off.

From these things i don’t like living anymore–i haven’t enjoyed it for years now and i don’t see what reason there is for me to go on. i’m not afraid of hell, the only reason i haven’t done it yet is because i could never put that on my family. i wouldn’t even try to make a statement–there wouldnt be a gunshot or a suicide note. id just go away somewhere no one would find me, and then just lay down and die. that’s what i dream about–the only way to get away from all this

If you are having thoughts of suicide, you should immediately go to the hospital for evaluation and assistance. This is imperative.

Many people who have attempted suicide comment that they were thankful to have survived. They were grateful because they had gone on to live a much better life- a life they never imagined was possible. I have heard this type of message from many people. There must be something to this.

Depression can make someone feel that there is no hope. Depression clouds a person’s judgment and because of this, depressed individuals often come to erroneous and incorrect conclusions. This means that depressed people often judge their reality incorrectly. The decision to commit suicide is usually a decision that is being made by a person who is in deep despair and not able to see reality clearly. It is highly likely, as with many other depressed individuals, that you are misjudging reality when you conclude that suicide is the only option for you. You are wrong. There are other options.

You feel that there is no other solution to your problem. There absolutely is. Most of the people who survived their suicide attempt came to realize that there is help for depression and things can usually get better. Many finally went to get help. Their message to others in similar situations is always the same “there is help available and I wish someone would have told me.” They feel so strongly about this message that many of these people dedicate their lives to helping others in similar situations who also feel equally as hopeless.

There are therapists who are trained to help you overcome your addiction and depression. With the right therapist, you can change your life for the better. I know that your family situation is not ideal but this is the case for many people. What you are facing others have faced and there is help for you if you make the effort.

You mentioned your family and how they would feel if you ended your life. Research shows that the family members of people who have committed suicide often suffer tremendously. They struggle to understand why their loved one chose to end their life and did not ask for help. Family members often blame themselves or each other for the terrible event and many families ultimately fall apart as a result. Please realize that with the right help, you have a high change of turning your life around and decreasing or eliminating your depression and thoughts of suicide.

Please choose to get help and heed the message of those people who are still here to tell their story of hope.

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Delusional? Different People Inside Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 26th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not sure quite exactly what is wrong with me but I will try my best to explain.

I feel different sometimes. Like a new person. Ussually, I am my happy self. When I am sad or angry, my mind shuts down leaving my face blank and my mind steaming with rage. However at night when I am alone I feel insane. I talk to myself about hurting people, about how no one will understand my views. When I am in this mode I ussually start crying and sometimes laugh hysterically either with my crying or apart from it.

I also have my own beliefs and views. Some part of me feels that it is impossible and that I am lying to myself but I can’t push it down, I believe it’s true. I think to myself that I am immortal, I’m not meant for this world, I think that I was put in this body for a reason that it yet to be revealed and I believe that I am the sister of some kind of God. Every time when I change into my other mode, I laugh and cry at how everyone will treat me when I’m insane. I think about how I want to hurt them when call me nuts.

Also, I’d like to add that in the daytime, while my normal “mode” is running the show she talks to my cold and emotionless one. The emotionless one is good at keeping bad thoughts out but it is hard for her to take control. When my normal mode is thinking about things that she doesn’t want to think about, the emotionless one usually has to beat her up and tie her down just to make it stop.

Is there something wrong with me? It would at least help me if I was able to know what it is. Sorry if what I am trying to say is cluttered/hard to understand.

Your symptoms indicate that something might be wrong. It’s possible that you are describing symptoms of psychosis, but only an in-person evaluation could determine a diagnosis.

With certain mental health disorders, some people describe feeling one way at nighttime and a different way in the daytime. There are also some people who stay up all night and sleep all day. They essentially flip their sleep schedules. Those are possible signs of psychosis or depression.

Studies about psychosis suggest that early intervention is one of the most important aspects of preventing more serious problems from developing. It could potentially delay or even prevent the development of full-blown psychosis and or psychosis related disorders. It’s imperative that you seek help as soon as possible. You can either contact your primary care physician and ask for referral to a mental health professional or go to an emergency room. It is wise to treat your symptoms early. The sooner you begin treatment the quicker you will improve. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Am I Over-Exaggerating How I Feel?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 26th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve felt like this since I was 16. I feel empty inside and it’s almost a constant thing. I have tried to ignore the feeling but it didn’t work. I can’t remember the last time I really felt something. Right now I just feel sad. I feel guilty for things I shouldn’t and I feel so alone and isolated, despite having others around me. I feel like no one really cares about me and that I’m bothering them. I have no energy, I feel tired and all I want to do is stay in bed. I have no motivation for school and I can’t concentrate no matter how hard I try to. I feel awkward and slow, physically and mentally, which results in me thinking I’m an idiot if I do something ‘wrong’. When I get like this, I don’t eat like I usually do. Sometimes I’ll oversleep and still feel tired or I’ll sleep very little with tossing and turning. I don’t feel interested in what I like. Sometimes I just get so angry and the only way I can calm down is by punching a wall. What I hate the most though is that when I get like this, I feel like I’m not real; I feel like I’m watching someone else living their life. I feel like I don’t know who I am. The longest I’ve felt sad has been around 3 weeks, as far as I’m aware.

I know after this mood passes, I’ll either feel normal or I’ll go crazy. It’s like a switch is turned; suddenly I’m the happiest person alive. It’s so addictive — I get loads of energy from nowhere and I get restless; all I want to do is move. I start projects but I never finish them because I lose interest quickly. I get all these ideas and it feels like my head will explode if I don’t talk. I rarely sleep more than 5 hours. I’ve bought things without thinking, I’ve changed my mind on so many things, from my appearance to university. I’ve done things online that I shouldn’t have (involving a webcam). I’ve gotten angry and fought with family and friends. I get delusional, like people are watching me or can hear my thoughts. This usually lasts a week or two.

I feel like I’m suffocating. Am I overreacting? What do I do? Thanks for reading.

It does not seem as though you are overreacting. You seem like a person who is suffering and who would benefit from help. When it is evident that something is wrong, then you should seek professional help. I would recommend an evaluation with a cognitive behavioral therapist.

An evaluation involves describing your symptoms in great detail, including your psychosocial history, your family history, and so forth. Once those facts are gathered your therapist makes a determination about what might be wrong and develops a treatment plan for addressing your symptoms.

Your therapist might recommend an evaluation by a psychiatrist for medication. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who will prescribe and manage medication. Your psychiatrist will conduct his or her own evaluation and determine what medication he or she thinks will best address your symptoms. The combination of psychotherapy and medication could significantly decrease or even elevate your symptoms.

You should not avoid seeking professional help. It’s the most efficient way to address your symptoms. Ask your primary care physician for a referral or click on the “find help” tab at the top of this page to locate a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Ex Might Be Paranoid … What To Do?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 25th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I met this guy online in January. Things started out great. But slowly, I began to notice things that were not normal with him. Here are a few examples:
1. One day I was out with my co-workers and while were were out he texted me. I texted him back telling him that I would call him back in 20 min. The get-together went over and I called him 15 min after I said I would. Instead of just letting me know that he was disappointed because I called later than I said I would, or say nothing (Most people I know would not make a big deal of that), he answered the phone and said that I sounded bitchy and that he was in a good mood until I called. He made me cry.
2. He has accused me many times of conspiring against him with other people to make his life miserable. One day I sneezed and he accused me of knowing someone who hates him. Accused me of working with that person and I was sent to mess with him. I couldn’t sneeze, cough or scratch my nose without being accused of conspiring against him. I didn’t know any of the people he was accusing me of knowing.
3. He has accused me of cheating on him and lying. He called me a fraud. He invaded my privacy by going through my computer and checking my email. He didn’t find anything but swore that when he did, he would be very vengeful.
We broke up because I couldn’t take it anymore. He has said so many hurtful things to me. He accused me of cheating every time he would text me and not hear from me for just 15 min.
The problem is, I am pregnant with his child, therefore it can’t be a clean break. Now he is using our unborn child as a mean to keep control over me. I have asked him not to contact me now, seeing I am only 10 weeks pregnant, But he still does. He has sent me over 100 texts and emails in one day claiming that he only wants to be in the baby’s life. He wants to be at every Doctor’s appointment and at the birth. He has even sent an email saying what the baby should be named.
I do want him to be in the baby’s life because I definitely understand the benefits of a child bonding with his father. But I fear for my safety. He is very unpredictable and emotionally abused me. Also, I feel that something is wrong with him. I want him to get help. I asked him to go to therapy many times. He claims that he goes, but I don’t think so. I even suggested couple’s counseling but he refused. Right now, I don’t feel comfortable leaving a child with him. Every time something doesn’t go his way and he feels hurt, he makes sure to hurt me. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I’m so sorry you are having this difficulty. I don’t know what type of diagnosis your boyfriend may have, but I do think the right thing is to protect yourself physically, emotionally and legally. The first thing to do is contact the Women’s Center in your county. They are very familiar with helping women who fear reprisal from their boyfriends. I would use them for counseling, prenatal care suggestions, and legal advice because these situations tend to get worse before they get better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Just Can’t Get Started

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 24th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I have 2 goals and I just can’t get started with them. I know I’m good and yet I suffer from so much lack of confidence. I go to sleep late and watch TV most of the night and then I finally get some sleep but I get up around noon each day. I feel I could be of use to people with my hypnosis and REIKI practices yet I can’t even help myself. My house is filled with stuff I want to give away yet I don’t.

I have limited funds and providing services to people would help a lot, yet I act as though I don’t care. In fact, I seem not to care about much of anything. I already take 2 antidepressants and suppliment those with low doses of pain killers. I seem to be using the pain killers as a way of coping with my lack of initiative and energy. I used to walk my dog 3x a day now it’s only 1x. My life could best be described as: Bla bla bla bla and more bla with occasional bursts of Rah rah rah – sis boom bah.

What is most concerning to me is that your current state is a change. You got the education and training to be a skilled healer and yet you can’t practice. You used to walk your dog more. I’m glad you found the energy to write to us here at LifeHelper.

There are several possibilities for the change in your energy that need to be explored, especially since you are 68 years old. The first stop should be at your medical doctor’s office. There are a number of physical problems that can manifest as a lack of energy. Describe all your symptoms. Make sure there isn’t an undiagnosed or under-treated medical condition going on.

Second: The medications you are taking may have become a big part of the problem. You take the medicine to help you cope. You can’t cope. You take more medicine and add others. Many people fall into a cycle like this without realizing that they are making things worse, not better. Talk to your prescriber and/or pharmacist about whether the interaction of the pain killers and psych meds is part of the problem.

And — You may not be getting adequate treatment for depression. It’s possible that you need a change in medication or a change in dosage. If you aren’t in therapy, you really should be. The treatment of choice for depression is a combination of talk therapy and medicine. There is evidence that Cognitive Behavior Therapy is most effective.

And — you’re 68. None of us like to think about it, but it is also the time when the first signs of dementia appear. Ask your doctor how to get screened. Early detection and treatment can slow down the process.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think There’s Something Seriously Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 19th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am unmotivated and I feel lazy all the time. I procrastinate all my school work and I have no sense of time management of all. I daydream all the time about the far future. I can be very social sometimes, but over the past two years I have become extremely detached. I do well in social situations, I just choose not to engage in them. I lie all the time, sometimes for no good reason. I have a father who was physically abusive to my mom and sister and I hate him for it but it doesn’t really bother me anymore since he lives in another country. I don’t feel sympathy when bad things happen to my friends. I’m fairly certain that if one of my closest friends died I wouldn’t feel bad at all. I often harbor violent thoughts when it comes to people I hate, such as my father’s mistress. Also, I’ve never wanted to get married. A lot of my friends dream about the day they would get married and their future husbands and kids, but for some reason it’s never appealed to me at all. The notion of sex and any form of intimate relationship does not interest me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I’ve had this feeling for a long time now, I just never reached out to ask anyone because I was scared. Am I depressed? Are the issues that I have able to be resolved, or am I just “wired”wrong? I’m really starting to hate myself because my personality just has so many flaws. I don’t think I’m a good person.

It is possible that you are experiencing depression. The things that used to interest you don’t anymore. You are very hard on yourself. Your feelings could be the result of your having witnessed violence and chaos in your home. Your father’s abuse led to the breakup of your family. You’re attempting to “find yourself” in the context of a chaotic home life.

I don’t think you are “wired differently.” You are likely reacting to what you have lived through with your family. Witnessing violence takes an emotional toll. Research has shown that children who witness violence experience psychological and emotional problems including feelings of hostility, anxiety, social withdrawal and depression; all symptoms you have described.

Many people have difficult childhood experiences. Sometimes they internalize those negative experiences and begin to believe bad things about themselves. These negative thoughts can lead to depression and misery. That might be what has happened to you. It is possible that had you not experienced what you have, you would not feel the way you do. Therapy can help to heal the problems that may have resulted from a difficult family life.

You’re frightened to ask for help but you shouldn’t be. Mental health professionals want to help you. They are empathic listeners who offer evidence-based, nonjudgmental advice. Therapy is a safe place to share your feelings and to receive constructive and supportive feedback that will improve your life. I hope that you will consider it. It would be a great asset to your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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