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Depression

Can moody ex-convict boyfriend change?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 31st, 2020
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 1.5 years.

He has 4 felonies and has spent most of his life in jail because of possession of a weapon and drug dealing. He grew up in foster care with an abusive mother who abused crack and an alcoholic father. While he was in jail, two of his brothers were murdered in drug-related incidents. He did his time in jail. He got a job and has been working consistently for 8 years. He is dependent on pot. He smokes it about 4 times a day He smokes cigarettes and lies about that.

I grew up in an abusive household with a father who neglected me and did heroine and cocaine. My family was successful though and so I pursued and education. I’ve also had a lot of therapy, been to support groups, stress/coping groups, etc. My sister attempted suicide and received ETC and suffered brain damage. My father was later diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.

Both my boyfriend and I have come from difficult situations and dysfunctional relationships. Unfortunately, the cycle is repeating in our relationship. He is abusive toward me emotionally by putting me down, reacting suddenly, acting possessive, being threatening and intimidating. He seems to “flip” at times. This makes me sad, hopeless, and depressed and I feel that I have to take on coping mechanisms (such as “hardness”/”coldness”).

Together we have acknowledged the difficulties that we have together and he expresses interest in improving the relationship. He becomes very passionate about it and will come up with ideas of how it can change. He says he is willing to do couples therapy and his own therapy. It seems like there is hope in the relationship.

For a period of 1 month he threatened to break up with me every week. This was during a time of intense stress for me. I felt like he couldn’t handle the stress and like he was trying to sabotage my success. I feel like I love my boyfriend and when I think of where we come from and how much we try, it makes me very sad to think that we won’t make it. I’m almost 33 and I want to have a family and be happy.

Can he change? Can this relationship work? Would I be hurting a child to bring it into it? What are my options?

I admire your resilience and ability for you and your boyfriend to work through an amazing amount of challenges in your life. Each of you could use an individual therapist AND a couples therapist. Both of you have significant issues to work through and the more support and guidance the better.

Along these lines I would strongly recommend any of the 12-step programs. Alanon for you and Narcotics Anonymous for your boyfriend are likely to be other means of support.

Again, I admire your strong commitment to healing and growth.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Inadequacy & Job Rejection Have Led to Depression

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW November 20th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I have big goals, big dreams, big hopes for the future. I’ve built my life on working toward accomplishing these dreams. I’m generally a really optimistic, ambitious person. Anything I set my mind to, I succeed at in some way.

Until this year. It’s been a year of consistent, debilitating disappointments. I wrote a book and put my heart into it. I polished it and sent it out into the world. I received 30 rejections.

I’m a newly qualified teacher with two Masters degrees and $100,000 of student loan debt. I’ve applied for dozens of jobs and haven’t even gotten an interview.

I can’t stop the feelings of inadequacy and being not good enough because I’m LITERALLY not good enough. It’s been confirmed by 30 rejection letters and dozens of job applications unanswered. Nobody wants what I’m offering, even after I’ve worked my entire life to be prepared. I only have one person to talk to–my mom–and she’s insistent that I’m just being “negative”. This makes me feel so much worse. All I’d need to feel better is a few words of sympathy, but when I explain that, she says she can’t solve my problems for me (I don’t want her to, I just want to feel like I’m not alone). We both want me to move out, but seeing as I have no money and no chance of a job no matter how much I apply, I’m stuck here. It’s so unhealthy. My heart constricts just thinking about staying here another year.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’ve always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in the past, but this past year’s disappointments has obliterated the optimistic girl who could find the silver lining in everything.

You are obviously an intelligent and motivated woman who’s taken many steps to be successful in the workplace, so it makes sense that being unemployed and having multiple book rejections would be totally discouraging! It sounds to me like living at home isn’t helping either. Have you asked for your mom specifically for empathy and emotionally support? I suggest you let her know exactly what you’re looking for, even giving her the exact words, when you share your struggles with her. You mentioned that she’s the “only” one you have to talk to – why is that?

I suggest that the first step you take is to branch out socially so you have additional support during this difficult time.  Try getting involved in some community groups that interest you, like book groups or hiking groups, for example.  Consider spending some time volunteering. Look for ways to broaden your circle of associates and friends beyond you mother.

Since your current employment efforts aren’t going as planned, it might be time to get more creative in your problem solving by taking your passions, gifts, and training, and refocusing them temporarily. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.

Housing: What about looking for a housing situation where you manage an apartment complex in exchange for rent, or you check in on an elderly person in exchange for living in a basement apartment?

Employment: What about applying to non-teaching jobs while you’re waiting for the right teaching opportunity to come along? Any job will allow you to save money and move out on your own so you’re not “stuck” living with your mom. Consider refocusing your teaching experience by developing a course for community education classes in the evenings, for example.

Writing: How about taking your love of writing and looking into writing a column for a local newspaper or website while you’re waiting for opportunities to get your book published? Have you looked into self-publishing options?

My personal and professional experiences have taught me that, even when things don’t go as planned, no life experience is ever wasted. Many professional opportunities I’ve had have come through developing a network of personal and professional relationships that have opened up doors that I didn’t even know existed. As you expand social circles you’ll be developing key relationships that will likely open doors for you, too.

Thanks for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Can’t Find Help For Depression and Self-Harm

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 8th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, Thank you for taking time away from your life to read this. It means almost everything to me at this point.

I think I’m losing myself… I can’t help but feel like I’ve messed everything up and it’s too late. I have gone through cycles of major depression for most of my life, but have never before sought help for it. I have been self-harming for over 10 years now, mostly cutting, and it has recently become a little worse in terms of depth and the lack of control I feel prior to making the cuts. I already live far away from any family, whom I barely speak to, and have recently found myself really pushing away my friends and roommates to the point that they no longer want much to do with me. It hurts a lot, because I care for them so much and do not understand why I feel angry toward them and push them away. Over the last month or so, I have experienced really intense crying spells (and I am NOT one to cry, even with reason) to the point where I feel completely out of control and almost can’t breathe. This happens almost every night now. I am having more and more trouble finding the motivation to do anything, and I think about suicide far more than I’d like to admit. I’m miserable and I absolutely hate myself for it.

I finally talked to my doctor, though I admittedly minimized much of what I am experiencing, and she has tried two different anti-depressants with no effect. I then tried to go to a therapist for the first time, and within 5 minutes of just going over my history, she turned me away and referred me someplace else and they do not have an open time slot for a number of weeks. (And, while I can see the irony in being rejected even by a therapist at this time, it doesn’t make the situation stink any less). I don’t know what to do, because whatever is happening is consuming and destroying my life. I’m not sure exactly what I am asking from you, but please, if you can, help? Anything… please.

Thank you,
-K

I am glad that you have written because it gives me a chance to encourage you to continue your search for professional help. You are on the right track. Seeing both a doctor and a therapist is exactly what you should be doing.

I would suggest contacting the new therapist to request a quicker appointment. The therapist might see you sooner if he or she were made aware of the immediacy of your needs.

I would also encourage you to revisit your doctor about your concerns. Report that your medication is not working effectively. Adjustments to medication are part of the process of finding one (or a combination of several) that works.

It is also important to be honest about your symptoms. As you stated, you minimized them in previous appointments. By minimizing your symptoms you inadvertently provide inaccurate information. This could have led your doctor to prescribe the wrong medication. Your doctor might need to adjust your medication based on the true nature of your symptoms.

If you feel that you might harm yourself, go to the emergency room. The hospital is designed to help individuals in emergency situations. The hospital can keep you safe.

I would also suggest that you be in the presence of others whenever possible. Isolation can exacerbate depression symptoms. Even if being in the presence of others makes you angry or upset, do it anyway.

Part of the anger you feel toward your friends and family might be due to resentment. You may resent the fact that they seem happy. You may also resent them for not doing enough, from your perception, to help you. It is normal to feel that way. Your friends and family may have a strong desire to help but are not sure how. They might also be unaware of how much you are suffering. The possibility that friends and family may struggle with knowing how best to help you underscores the importance of seeing a mental health professional. Mental health professionals are trained to know how to help individuals with the problems you have described.

It is not too late for you to get help. It is never too late. The reality of your situation is that you have been suffering for many years and you have yet to receive professional help. The positive aspect of this situation is that you are on the verge of getting the help that you deserve. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Lonely and Depressed in New Town

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 10th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am sometimes happy, then lonely and depressed. Let me start by saying, I am 21 and very happy most of the time. I will have days where I am singing and whistling, where I feel like I have the best life. Then there are days like today. I will give a bit of back story. I just moved to Chicago from Michigan. It is the first time I have lived on my own outside my parents home. I came for a job and eventually school. I was happy at home, but felt it was high time I got out and learned who I was on my own. I was kind of stuck in a rut in Michigan and felt like I had no time to figure out my own life. So now I have just moved here. I will only have been here a month come the 2nd of August. I love my job, my apartment and the point in my life I’m in. It feels like I have found my place. But then I wake up like I did today. I wake up feeling lonely, lost, sad and like I want to cry for no reason. I am not really home sick because I talk to my family every day. I don’t miss being home… but I think I miss human interaction. At home I was the social person who loved asking how people where and giving hugs. I was always a very touchy feely person. Now here, I don’t know anyone. I have no friends and have had no physical contact for a month. I want so badly to make friends but I have no idea how to start. It is always very easy to chat with people at a store and talking for the first time with them is no problem. It’s the next step I can’t seem to know what to do. How do you turn someone you chat with at a store into a friend. When I think about asking someone out for a drink or something like that, I start thinking very self deprecating things. Like, why would they want to become friends with me, they probably have lots of them. They are probably just talking with me to be nice. I can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my head. I have also started thinking that my friends back home don’t even miss me. I don’t hear from them that much and I doubt if I really was even their friend, or if we just got together because we knew each other for so long. The friends I had, I have had for more then 10 years. I really don’t have any new friends that I would consider to be close friends. I have people that I got together with every now and then, but I never felt that closeness. I wonder if thats because of me. I just don’t know how to start building that friend base again. And how to stop thinking those hurtful things about myself. I have the same problem with boyfriends. I am 21… and have never had a boyfriend. I have been asked out by men in the past, ones I have even likes, but I could never go out with them. I even have several dating site profiles with men asking me out and I can never take the next step to do it. I am so afraid they will reject me. That they will be disappointed with what they see when they meet me. That they will look at me and then just stay for the date because they have to. I am so sick out doubting myself. I am not a bad looking person I don’t think, but I can’t ever really believe that. I can’t believe that someone else would find me even good looking. I just want to be content with myself. I am content with my life in all other things but those two. Relationships with friends and relationships with boyfriends. What should I do?

I think you have correctly indentified the main problem, which is that you are lonely, and you have yet to develop relationships in your new town. An additional issue is that you are doubting yourself. Continued negative self-talk is leading to diminished self-confidence. If it continues, you risk being trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and a lack of self-confidence.

How can you prevent this? Try to override the negative self-talk and force yourself to begin interacting with people. You have the ability to connect with others. The proof is that you have a long history of successful relationships with many people.

It is important to be as logical as possible. You are new in town. You left your hometown, where you lived for 21 years. You have been in your new town for a very short time. It takes time to meet new people and to develop relationships. It would be incorrect to conclude that just because you haven’t yet connected with others, you won’t ever do so. I believe it is simply a matter of time. Remind yourself of that when you are evaluating your current situation.

If you continue to have difficulty, you may want to see a therapist for a few sessions. Connecting with a therapist would help you to see your experience from the correct perspective. In addition, he or she can help you to maintain objectivity in this situation. The therapist may also have ideas for how you can meet new friends. It takes time to adjust to a new living situation and the support of a therapist might help to make this easier. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depression, Isolation, Counting Calories, Pressure To Be Skinny & Ways To Cope

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 15th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I know I am very young, but I feel so hopeless, out of control, and desperate that this was my last resort. I have come to realize that I have depression. One of my family members suffers with Bipolar disorder and depression and is currently on medications to keep them under control. I hate myself. Although people would specify me as “popular” in school, I feel like a loser. All my popular friends could EASILY live without me so what is my point in this world? I used to have one very good best friend, but she ditched me for someone else. We stay on speaking terms, but hang out rarely. Since summer has started, I’ve completely isolated myself and spent all my time alone in my room on the computer. I’ve began to obsessively exercise and become obsessed with counting calories. I’m at a normal weight now (5’5 and 114 pounds) but I look so fat that I’m surprised I’m even a normal weight. I still eat, but I only eat half of what I used to and only healthy foods. I exercise SO much. But there is one thing that keeps me going. My hope that someday this will get better. You see, I went to a performing arts high school camp where I was completely accepted for who I was. I made friends instantly, but the camp was over in 2 weeks and we all had to depart. The only thing to keep me going is the hope that in 2 years when I audition for that performing arts school is that I will make it in. I’ve made friends with all the teachers and am currently taking the ADVANCED ballet and modern classes (I’m going into seventh grade and am taking a class with college students). I really want to be a dancer. I just love how I feel when I’m there. I feel like I belong, like I’m part of a family. Everyone is accepted and loved. I just LOVE that feeling! The school is full of talented people, and I’m afraid that if I’m not skinny enough I cannot make it in. I also just want to stand out. My school now is HUGE like GINORMOUS! No one really stands out unless they are massively popular. In this school, everyone stands out in their own way. I just want this so bad, and it’s the drive to keep me going. But I feel like if I’m fat I can’t do it. I feel like I NEED to continue this diet and exercise regimen for an entire 2 YEARS before I make it in (NO DESSERTS, NO WHITE BREAD, ONLY SMALL PORTIONS OF RICE AND PASTA, ABSOLUTELY NO CANDY, AND NO EATING OUT). But I know that’s impossible to keep it going that long, but I just need to do it. I feel like I can’t, but I really want to. How can I cope with being extremely pressured to be skinny, with my depression and isolation, and with my friend problems? Please please please please help me. i’m desperate.

The pressure you feel to be thin is a major concern. It is driving your obsession with being thin. It is an unhealthy obsession. In your mind, you “need” to do it. You have given yourself no choice. Your ability to limit your weight has become paramount.

In addition, your body, its size and shape, has become your primary vehicle for success in life. A thin body, in your mind, has become the one and only pathway to popularity, attention, belonging, and to professional dancing. It is everything. The pressure you feel to be thin only makes sense in the context that you have placed on the importance of body size.

You wrote that you are desperate. I can understand why. All of your hopes and dreams depend on your ability to limit the size of your body. The idea that being thin is the key to your happiness is an illusion. For those who believe this illusion, no amount of weight loss is ever enough. More is always better even when it isn’t.

This problem is further complicated by the fact that your view of your body is distorted. As you mentioned, you are a “normal” weight but continue to see yourself as “fat.” That one line from your letter to me, shows you are no longer able to see the reality of your appearance. If the scale and the charts show that you are a normal body weight, in the normal range, you can not appear to be fat, not to others, not to trained professionals. You can see yourself looking fat in the mirror but that is an illusion. Almost everyone with an eating disorder sees an illusion staring back at them in the mirror. A fat illusion.

It is important to recognize the incorrectness of your thinking. If it continues, it can lead you down a dangerous road. Some individuals who feel extreme pressure to be thin ultimately develop eating disorders.

My recommendation is to discuss this matter with your parents as soon as possible. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Ask your parents if they will take you to counseling. Counseling could help you to develop a healthier relationship with your body. It could also help you to manage your weight in a healthy, controlled manner and address your depression and feelings of isolation.

Now is the time to seek help. You may or may not have an eating disorder. Counseling can eliminate the possibility or stop it before the problem becomes unmanageable. The “find help” tab at the top of this page can help you and your parents locate a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed, Anxious, and Socially Awkward

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW September 9th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I don’t remember a time in my life where I’ve been totally happy but for the past approximately 2 years i have been extremely depressed as a result of my social anxiety and loneliness. I have always found social situations ‘awkward’, in fact the last time I remember frequently leaving my house for social reasons was when I was about 13. I then became more and more of a recluse from there on, i went out with my friends less and less outside of school, then upon leaving school i stopped doing things with my friends more and more until the point where i have not left my house for social reasons for about 2/3 years. I no longer have any friends and although my family is nice and supportive they cannot provide me with what I need. I have not spoken to anyone in person about my problems, I simply can’t. My parents will just tell me to go to a doctor. Doctors will just prescribe me with a drug that I don’t want. I don’t feel a psychiatrist can help me. I’ve become extremely lonely and depressed. My self esteem is extremely low and although I’m not a bad looking person I simply cannot accept my imperfections, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I feel I am in so deep that I cannot make a recovery. I cannot throw myself into social activities to make friends because of my social anxiety. I no longer find anything enjoyable and nothing at all interests me, this leaves me with the motivation to try nothing. I feel like I’m in a corner with no way out, every possible path I need to take to fix myself, I cant bring myself to walk down whether its my self esteem, depression or social anxiety stopping me. I hate it and I hate the person I am, I’m so sad it hurts. I feel so lost and lonely I cry randomly, its pathetic. There is no reason why I should feel like this, I’ve had a very normal life without any trauma, this only makes me feel guilty for the way I am. Guilt I don’t deserve to feel when there’s so many more out there in far worse situations.

I just want to live my life and be happy, but I truly believe I will never get there. Sometimes I feel like giving my life and donating what i have to give someone else a shot at life. Someone who can appreciate life.

I have read a lot of advice online about people in similar situations to myself but what are my options when the things I need to do to fix myself, I simply cannot bring myself to do?

Thanks so much for writing in and reaching out for help. I have seen many clients in my therapy office who express similar feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, focus on their own imperfections, and have extreme guilt for feeling so sad and lonely because they’ve had a “pretty normal life.” It sounds to me like you are suffering from severe depression and anxiety that are keeping you in a downward spiral, unable to reach out for help. The good news is you have reached out on this forum, so I am very hopeful that you can reach out in other areas.

I urge you to talk to your parents and ask them for help. You said you haven’t talked to your parents because they will tell you to go to a doctor. If they love and care about you they will tell you to go to a doctor or a therapist because that’s the right thing to do when a family member is ill. I suggest that you keep an open mind about medication. While it doesn’t need to be the first course of treatment, it can definitely be a helpful tool in treatment. Ask your doctor for a psychotherapist referral as individual psychotherapy can be very effective. Often, a combination of medication and psychotherapy can be effective in treating depression and anxiety.

In order to experience some change in your life and find happiness you will need to take some action, even if you don’t want to, and even if it’s a small one – like talking to your parents about how hopeless you feel. You can do it. It sounds to me like what you’re experiencing isn’t really “you” but is mental illness clouding your thoughts and feelings. You can have more satisfaction and joy in living than what you’re experiencing.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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I don’t know why I’m so angry

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 29th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

hi im not sure what is wrong with me and it really concerns me. i get angry and annoyed very quickly about small things and i try not to but it takes control over me and i dont know what to do. i yell at my son that is 2years old and i hate myself for that cause he doesnt know better. i get very angry or aggervated at my boyfriend alot on the smallest things like if he goes to the store without me and forgets something that i asked him to get.

i dont know if its because i am constanly stuck in the house 24/7 with my two boys(2years old and 8 month old) i have not been away from them from the day they were born. i just really need help i dont know what is wrong with me sometimes i feel like disapperaring for a couple of days but i know i cant run away or leave cause i have two boys that i love so much and will never leave. i even get thoughts of my boyfriend cheating on me. he did it for the first 4 years of our relationship and said it was only cause he was in jail for 5 years before we meet and he lost out on part of his life. he said he was over it and wasnt doing it anymore i believe him but then i get these thoughts that are constantly on my mind.

please help me i dont know what to do anymore i want to be a better mother to my boys and a better gf but i just feel down all the time and dont want to do anything.

I am so very glad you wrote. The time to get help is when problems like this start. You’re right to be concerned about the effect of your mood on your boys. They need you to be as stable and loving as you can be.

I am concerned about you. It’s possible that you are experiencing some postpartum depression. Your younger child is only 8 months old. Although it used to be thought that postpartum depression showed up in the first weeks after a baby is born, recent research opens the window for developing it to 6 months to a year. Pediatricians often don’t recognize it because they are focused on the health of the baby and because the mothers feel so bad about their irritability they often don’t report it. Please go back to your OB-GYN for an honest talk about how you’ve been feeling.

On the other hand, you may have a huge case of what my grandmother used to call “cabin fever.” During long winters in the old days, people were stuck in their homes/cabins for months at a time. Close quarters, boredom, and the usual everyday conflicts of life would get to people and they’d end up fighting and brawling and generally feeling terrible. You may not be brawling, but you sure do feel boxed in.

As much as we love our kids, the conversation with little ones is, shall we say, kind of limited. As much as we care for them, they can’t be expected to take care of us. It’s a one-way street for quite awhile. Smiles and coos and childhood play are all wonderful but they’re not the same as someone bringing us a cup of tea and saying, “So — how are you?” and really wanting to listen.

The best cure for what ails you is other parents. There’s nothing quite so relieving as talking to other moms who have kids who are at the same age and stage. Please look into your local churches and human service organizations to see if there is a parent drop-in center or parent support group where you and the kids can go at least once a week. The 2-year-old needs to begin learning how to have friends. And it sounds like you could use a friend or two yourself. Your pediatrician may know where you could find a parent group.

You and your boyfriend also should be talking about how to give you a “mom’s night out” so that you can join a club or go to a gym or just visit with a girlfriend. You need the break. He would benefit too because it would give him personal time with his boys. When men do at least some caregiving for their young children, the kids become more attached to their dads and the dads get more enjoyment from their relationships with their kids.

Please follow up on these suggestions. If you are happier, you and your whole family will benefit.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How to get over a horrible boyfriend who dumped me and now marrying his ex

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 23rd, 2020
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

MY ex was horrible to me. We were together for 3 years and he’s kicked me out more times than I could count. Kicked me out on Christmas even at 2am (so technically it was Christmas). Conceived a child with his baby mama while we were together. His baby mama’s sister and her friends jumped me and he did little to help me. Then kicked me out 3 days later because I told my family about it. He didn’t want to tell his baby mama we were still together because he didn’t want anymore “drama.” And despite all of that when he quit his job because his baby mama had filed child support I allowed him and his uncle to move in with me and for 3 months I took care of him while he and his uncle sat in the house playing Xbox. After those 3 months he apparently found a job and didn’t tell me and moved out without me knowing (he actually called me and stalled me at the grocery store while he moved!!) So 2 weeks after that incident I rebounded with an ex boyfriend and got pregnant but because initially because the tech was a little off (which was corrected at my first prenatal app. I found out I was pregnant when I went to ER for a pain in stomach) I was honest with him and told him he may not be the father and he knew that more than likely he wasn’t. And he stayed with me my whole pregnancy and encouraged me to include the real father, so when my son was born I did just that, but he didn’t like that and 3 months ago he dumped me after I refused to help him on a down payment on a car (honestly I didn’t even cry when he dumped me I felt so relieved I didn’t even bother to call him or anything but he ended up calling me a week later. Usually we would get back together after a breakup but I didn’t even suggest it because I didn’t want it) and now he’s marrying his baby mama in September. He was horrible and I shouldn’t even have feelings of love for that man. How do I get over this? I don’t even want him back so I don’t understand why it upsets me so much.

I am glad you realize that your ex wasn’t good to you and that there is something not okay about wanting to stay in a relationship that was so abusive and damaging.

The work here isn’t so much about getting over him, as to be getting into you. You need to reclaim your life and focus on self-care, intellectual and emotional growth. I recommend you start refocusing your attention on developing yourself. Take classes in the field you are interested in, form some new friendships and relationships to broaden you social network, and start therapy so you can find out why you were drawn to and stayed with a man who did not have your best interest at heart. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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At War With Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 2nd, 2020
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Lately I have had this constant nagging feeling when I get home. Like I’m worthless, maybe broken or damaged beyond repair. I am not suicidal as most I have found here but rather I have this horrible fear that I will die before I can fix my problems. before I finally get up and do something about it. At work I excel and am constantly receiving praise. Currently my mother lives with me and her and I have always had a horrible relationship. Though her complaints may sometimes be true, she is the child of an abuser and she says things so aggressively. She tells me I’m a 500lb loser that nobody cares about (I am overweight but certainly not 500lbs). Sometimes as soon as I come home she picks a fight and it like my whole day gets ruined. In my head I know just who I want to be and what I want to do but its as though I’m paralyzed. I want to lose weight but I lack will power and self control. All of my relationships end in angry emotional words filled with hate. What steps should I take to turn my life around and develop some sort of structure?

You feel as if you are “worthless, maybe broken or damaged beyond repair.” It is a nagging feeling. Each individual must find his unique way in life. Jung would call this individuation. Maslow would term this self-actualization. Existentialists would refer to this process as living authentically.

If I may speak generally and of course I have no choice since I am unaware of all of the details of your life, persons in your situation have stopped the process of growth that I have referred to above. The unpleasant feeling that you have described seems to be the same one that I have heard described by hundreds of clients. It is an urging to move forward. Where does that urge come from? Well that depends on what theory you ascribe to and thus what language you would use that would be true to that specific theory.

Though the theories use differing language, the message is very similar. To be happy, to live a life of meaning, you must follow that path of self-growth. That path may take you to another continent, to a completely new career, to a new life philosophy or to the realization that you must separate from your mother. The path of growth will not be easy in any case.

One can think of a thousand reasons why moving to a new continent is impossible, why a career change is ridiculous, why it is preposterous to think of accepting a new life philosophy and how it is unthinkable to separate from one’s mother. The required changes, whatever they might be, are all hard, maybe extremely so but they are absolutely necessary to your life.

If you were to ask Jung or Maslow or Nietzsche, they would tell you that all people, including your mother, must face this growth process.

Jung considered murder the only unforgivable sin. You must not take another life but you cannot let another take your life from you. They are both sins.

I have already stated clearly that I could be wrong in your specific case because I cannot be specific with knowing specifics. However, in general, when applied to “being” en masse, it is so very true.

A good counselor/therapist would get the specifics that this Internet format denies me. I would highly recommend you begin the solution to this problem by finding a therapist who could provide you the additional insight that will help you along the path to self-actualization, individuation, authenticity etc.

The “find help” tab, at the top of this page, can help you locate psychotherapists in your community. Goup therapy may also be very beneficial. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Approaching the Psychiatrist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 11th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I came across your website and answered articles when I was searching for a way to talk to my doctor about add. I’m 20 and I’ve made the appointment on my own. I have issues with my mom who says I am being dramatic over this. I constantly have negative thoughts about my body image and when I get very overwhelmed I fall into a pattern of binging and purging. I have a short temper, cant take being yelled at. When I was in high school I would restrict with food and was always thin looking back I wish I had spoken up. Now I catch myself over eating when I’m stressed, I am always stressed. I can’t focus at work and I work 2 days a week at a great internship, I actually do things and everyone is so nice but I can’t focus to do computer work. I find myself not being able to account for time. On the days I don’t work I could stay in bed the whole time. The morning is afternoon before I know it. I am very motivated and always have a list of things to do but it takes me forever to get out of the house. Schoolwork is very difficult even with my phone turned off and no distractions. I am going into my junior year of college and this past year was very hard. My mom told me I was distracted and having too much fun. I have to put in more work then everyone else and its extremely stressful because I not partying or watching TV I just cant focus and get the information in. it is so frustrating. My boyfriend has adhd and he brought up researching add, maybe this is bad, I am not saying I have add but I fit some of the symptoms, honestly I’m looking for guidance. I went to a regular doctor because I am not too old for a pediatrician and I am not sick, I do not have mono but I did end up crying for no reason during the appointment so I walked out of my physical with a clean bill of health but with an anxiety/panic coping packet. I have a short temper and find myself picking out little things during important talks that set me off and I look back realizing I was off in my thinking. I don’t know what to do, there are many factors playing into this but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist and I am afraid of not knowing what to say. When I told my parents how I felt I was shot down, and when I told my doctor that I had met once I was given an anxiety packet. I read through ways to cope and holding my breath for 5 seconds doesn’t take the edge off being mad. I have always screamed and raised my voice and fought and when I try to hold it in I end up crying for no reason. I’m not sure where I’m going wrong or where to turn.

Going to the psychiatrist is a great place to start. When you speak to the psychiatrist, inform him or her of the symptoms you mentioned above, which include:

  • difficulty concentrating;
  • difficulty accounting for time/losing track of time;
  • bingeing and purging;
  • depression;
  • high stress levels;
  • short temper;
  • highly sensitive;
  • crying spells; and
  • negative thinking.

Be very specific about your symptoms. I would encourage you to see both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. A psychiatrist can prescribe medication to improve your symptoms. Psychotherapists utilize talk therapy. Both types of treatment are usually indicated for the majority of mental health problems.

You believe that you may have ADD. You may have some of the symptoms of ADD but not all of yours match. Bingeing and purging are associated with eating disorders. Sometimes, when an individual feels highly stressed or out of control, they engage in bingeing and purging behaviors as an attempt to gain some level of control. Their attempt does not provide them the relief that they want. In other words, bingeing and purging simply doesn’t work. Instead, bingeing and purging are very dangerous behaviors that significantly damage the body.

You also might be exhibiting signs of depression including: negative thinking, short temper, crying spells, and hypersensitivity. It is difficult to know with certainty what diagnosis you might have, which is why it is important to have a psychological evaluation from a mental health professional.

To summarize, report your symptoms to your psychiatrist and inquire about a referral to a psychotherapist. When you meet with them, report all of your symptoms and be very detailed. The more information you can provide, the better they will be able to assist you. Bring a list. Hopefully, they will then devise an appropriate and comprehensive treatment plan. I hope this helps you know how best to proceed.

I am very encouraged by the fact that you are willing to return to the doctor. This time, be certain to be as specific, as detailed as possible and ask for referrals. This is one way to ensure you will get the help that you desire.

If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to write again. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Anxiety & Mood Swings

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 12th, 2020
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Since I can remember I have had horrible anxiety when it came to change and social interactions. On top of that I would experience horrible mood swings, from feeling like I was a superstar to feeling so sad and hopeless I wanted to die! I have been on many different anti-depressants and anxiety drugs. I have always felt out of place and had few, if any, friends. As a kid I would fake being sick so I didn’t have to go to school, if I had to do a presentation in front of the class I would pretend I was sick or hurt to go home to get out of it, as I got older, like high school I would go hide in the rest room until that class was over so I didn’t have to be in front of the class. In my adult life I have hid in a rest room at work so I didn’t have to give out an award in front of a 100 people! I have walked off jobs because I was to scared to walk through the door.

Now I just moved and transferred to another store and in a completely new dept. I know nothing and feel like a complete idiot! My anxiety is off the charts, I am hundreds of miles away from my wife and kids all alone in a little studio apt and my depression is the worst its ever been. I am so tired of feeling like this, I can remember all the way back to preschool and feeling the anxiety from being around others. I am at the end of my rope, I feel something is majorly wrong with me. I have been to numerous therapists but only go a couple times then get freaked out and quit! It feels like its getting worse and I am afraid I am going to lose my job!

Anxiety has plagued you since childhood. It continues to be a problem, most likely because it has never been properly treated. You feel as though the problem has become worse over time. It seems as though it has. Avoiding or fleeing anxiety-producing situations reinforces an anxiety problem and will increase future anxiety, in most cases. It temporarily provides relief but in the long run, it makes it worse.

There are very effective treatments that exist for anxiety and panic. Two of the best are (1) cognitive behavioral therapy and (2) exposure and response prevention therapy. Both are very good but they cannot work if you quit therapy prematurely.

The key to overcoming anxiety is to resist the urge to flee a situation when you feel anxious. Your desire to flee a situation is understandable in the face of severe anxiety but it is this very behavior that reinforces the anxiety. Resisting this urge to flee and enduring anxiety are the only true ways to solve this problem.

It is important to understand the nature of anxiety. It can increase to very high levels but it can only reach a maximum. It will eventually peak and then decrease. Part of exposure and prevention response therapy is encouraging the client to endure all of the stages of anxiety, from the most intense periods to its ultimate decrease. Exposure and prevention response therapy would essentially force you to face your fears in a systematic and controlled environment.

Force yourself to attend therapy even if it makes you uncomfortable and anxious. It may be unpleasant but it is a cure. Anxiety does not have to be a crippling or lifelong problem.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders. Also consider a therapist who specializes in exposure and response prevention therapy. For those who are willing to undergo this type of therapy, the success rates are very high. A Psych Central blogger recently posted about her experience.

Psychotropic medications can help to decrease your anxiety while undergoing therapy. You have tried several medications and they have not worked but that is not an uncommon beginning. You should continue to work with your prescribing physician and continue to search for one, or a combination of several, medications that will provide relief. Remember, relief is not a cure but merely a means to manage symptoms.

Unfortunately, if this problem is left untreated it will very likely worsen. This is often the nature of an untreated anxiety disorder. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Trouble Being Alone

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 30th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Since I was in highschool I havent been able to just be alone, and by that I mean, I have been in continuous monogamous relationships, one after the next after the next, some lasting years, others lasting just a few months.

I consider myself an extremely social person and like to be around other people, but its gotten to the point where I dont like to be at home by myself, and if I am, I am always texting other people or online emailing/chatting. This issue arises because I was dumped last night out of a 3 month relationship and I find that despite the fact that it was a considerably short relationship I am incredibly hurt and feel like she rejected me as a person, and I am panicking about what I am going to do today after work, or this weekend, and so on.

It is this feeling panic which pushes me rapidly into another relationship which ultimately ends and ultimately results in the same situation. Why do I do this, and what advice do you have that might help me stop it?

I think you have identified the primary issue which is that you don’t want to be alone or you don’t feel that you can be alone. Any relationship seems to be preferable to no relationship. You quickly become attached to others. Unfortunately, this most likely leads you into relationships that have little chance for success.

It is difficult to know with certainty why you engage in this type of behavior. It may be that you lack self-confidence. You may not feel that you can handle life on your own. You might be using others as a crutch to help you get by in life.

Another possible explanation is dependent personality disorder. Individuals with this disorder tend to display needy or submissive behavior. They fear being alone. They also fear separation. They are often described as “clingy” in relationships. According to the DSM-TR-IV, other characteristics of the disorder include:

  • difficulty making everyday decisions;
  • need an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others;
  • allows others to take initiative and to assume responsibility;
  • depends on others to tell where they should live or what type of job they should have;
  • has difficulty expressing disagreement primarily because they are fearful of losing support or approval from others;
  • willing to tolerate abusive behavior from others;
  • have difficulty beginning projects or doing things independently;
  • relies on others to handle their problems; and is
  • preoccupied with fears of being alone to care for themselves.

I cannot determine if you have dependent personality disorder. I would encourage you to have a psychological evaluation by a mental health professional. He or she can determine if you meet the criteria for the dependent diagnosis or any other disorder. After an evaluation, be certain to inquire about the most appropriate treatment. This is a problem that you should not ignore. It could significantly and negatively impact your life.

By depending on others, you are essentially allowing them to rule your life. You deserve to live your life based on your wants, needs and desires. The good news is that you have identified this behavior as a problem in your life. Your awareness is the first step in helping you to find a solution to your problem. This is very encouraging.

I hope you are able to get the help that you deserve. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate a therapist who can assist you in addressing these issues. Please take care. I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Life is Constantly Going Downhill

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 22nd, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Well, back in 2003ish, my real dad had gone to jail for trying to attack my mom because she was seeing this guy she met online, he was out of my life for years, later when he got out, he became a totally alcoholic and chain smoker, by this time my moms boyfriend had moved down, bought a house and we had moved in with him. My dad got sent to New York and he was out of my life. My family (1 sister and my mom) had been living off of my moms boyfriends (I’ll just call him Jim for privacy and times sake) income. My mom quit her job and Jim felt it was necessary to totally dictate my life. He grounds me for not getting A’s and B’s in school, which was impossible to me because I had EC activities everyday which were hard enough to focus on, I was always the work horse of the house being a boy of course, all the stress would pile up and I would just keep focusing on home life at school. Well I’ve graduated since then and it got even worse. I was expected to go to college first off, but I was told everyday to get a job, it’s damn near impossible and no ones even taking applications. I cant explain the bigger parts of the problem because of the restraints I have here. But today I was told my mom is leaving so I have to come with her, get a job, and I won’t be able to go to college. Oh another thing on a side note: I have no friends, I never leave my house, I play video games all day for at least 12 hours a day, and my moms boyfriend is even worse with video games by the way. I still work to my fullest extent in the house and my physical strength is put to the limits all the time. I have back problems because of all the manual labor I’ve had to do in my life since I was 6 years old. So right now I can’t see my life getting any worse once we leave Jims house. I’m in rock bottom. My mom herself said she can barely afford a run down place to stay. And if you’re wondering, my relationship with my mom is an atrocity. She has made death threats to me, and constantly makes my life a living Hell. I’m not going to go further than that. But my point is, I can’t see myself ever being able to get back on my feet. Oh, I can’t afford to get my license, or a car for that matter. And I don’t know what to do.

You have been forced to take on adult responsibilities before you were fully prepared. Your father was in prison and then abandoned the family. Your mother is unstable and abusive. You have had to essentially raise yourself. You have had no real guidance. Now, you are expected to keep the family together, at a time when you are struggling to build your own life. I am sorry you are faced with this very difficult and unfair life situation.

Your mother is an adult. She is an able-bodied individual and it is her responsibility to support herself and her family. Finding employment would help contribute to the family but it should not be your job to handle all the responsibilities and to pay all the bills. You need to be your own advocate. You deserve an opportunity to live your life and to go to college.

You need help, support and guidance. I would highly recommend making contact with a mental health professional at the local community mental health center (CMHC). Call and speak to them about your situation. They may be able to assist you even though you cannot physically attend an appointment. They may be able to assign a case manager who could assist you with the following: getting your license, purchasing a car, finding alternative transportation, securing housing. In addition, they can provide mental health services such as individual therapy, group counseling, intensive case management, medication management, and so forth. They may also be able to assist your mother which would allow you the opportunity to go to college. I would strongly recommend calling the CMHC as soon as possible. Click on the find help tab to help you locate local mental health services in your community.

You have described your situation as being at “rock bottom.” You are enduring a very difficult time in your life. The good news about “rock bottom” is that it cannot get any worse. You are struggling now but with the right help your life can turn around. I hope you are able to get the help that you deserve. Please do not hesitate to write again if you have additional questions.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I have no sexual desires towards my partner

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 25th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now but for more than a year I have not wanted to have sex with him. I now can’t even make the effort just to please him and we are not intimate in anyway (minimal hugs, no kisses). I still love him, think he is cute and care for him but I know the way things are is not right. We don’t see eye to eye on many subjects and I don’t really feel we have any fun together. Recently I have been wandering whether I would be better off single and have been fantasizing about other men and passionate encounters (although not anyone specific)

I’m so confused, as I’m not sure whether I am staying with him because it’s easy and comfortable (I enjoy our lifestyle of holidays and meals out). I don’t have many friends or family so without him I pretty much have nothing.

This is only my second long term relationship and the same thing happened the first time around- I cringed at the thought of being intimate with him and craved passion with someone else- so maybe this is just the way it will always be for me. I’m not very confident so always seem to choose ‘nice’ guys but then seem to get bored and desire something a bit rough and wild- but is this just a case of ‘the grass is always greener’ and unrealistic long term. I’ve also always seen sex as a physical act and don’t attach emotion, when I was younger I enjoyed the excitement and emotionless ness of one night stands.

I’m so confused and am just so distressed as I thought this was the right relationship for me for the rest of my life.

I can imagine that this is a very uncomfortable space to be in. But my suggestion is to deal with this sooner rather than later. The relationship as you thought it would be is over, so doesn’t prolong the agony for you or him. First of all he deserves more than what you are giving, and his tolerance for the less than adequate relationship will be something he will have to educate himself about in therapy. But as far as your side of the equation I would be direct and let him know that your feelings have systematically been diminished and that you are not fully present in the relationship. I would find the courage to end it and try to come to grips with understanding the dissatisfaction you feel at the end of relationships.

Here is a link to an article I’ve written about how we are attracted to others and what we might be able to do to alter it.

As you make these changes in your life I would strongly recommend that you begin therapy to help understand these feelings you have. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area who can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Always Sad and Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 23rd, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi.. Im abby.. I have been like this since i was 10.. now it seems it just gets worse. every night before i go to bed i pretty much cry. I hate myself.. and i dont have areason to .. i mean theres people that dont have anything and are stronger than me.. im just weak.. and worthless.. i want to be skinny and beauiful and to fall in love. thats all i ever wish for.. i cut every once in while.. i try not to eat but if i do i will throw it up.. i started all the eatting problems and cutting at the age 14.. and i have no one to talk to about it without yelling at me. they tell me its wrong.. i know it is but i hate myself that im not careing.. I just dont know anymore.

Hello Abby. It is difficult to feel as though you have no one to turn to for comfort, direction or advice. You are engaging in self-destructive behavior, including cutting and forcing yourself to vomit. It is important to understand that these behaviors are dangerous. Cutting is dangerous for obvious reasons and the vomiting causes significant physical damage to your body. Intervention is necessary.

I’m not certain about how much of this information you have relayed to your parents but I would urge you to speak with them. If face-to-face communication is difficult for you, then write them a letter describing your feelings. If you choose that option, be very detailed and honest.

If a letter does not prompt your parents to get you the help that you need, then consider approaching other family members. Is there anyone in your family who you would feel comfortable speaking to? If so, go to them to discuss your problem. If you would be uncomfortable speaking to them, give them a letter about how you are feeling.

Another way to gain help with this problem is to speak to someone at your church, synagogue, or a parent of a friend. It is possible that someone could speak to your parents for you. This might be one way to ensure that your parents take your concerns seriously.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to surround yourself with individuals who are supportive. Try not to be alone. Have someone to communicate with when you feel depressed. I would also encourage you to join a support group, if possible and to begin journaling. Journaling is a great strategy that many people find helpful in relieving psychological distress. It also helps to clarify your feelings and that may serve to decrease self-injurious behavior.

Your primary goal at this point is to make those around you aware of what you are experiencing. That is the first step to getting the help that you both deserve and desire. Don’t continue to suffer in silence. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Low Self-Esteem, Technology Addict, and Fear of Relationships

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW December 4th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I feel like nothing I do matters and nobody really understands who I am. Every time I reach out to someone they let me down. I guess they just don’t care. The last few years I’ve taken to locking myself away in my bedroom to read or watch movies; it gives me more enjoyment than people do but I’m always feeling guilty about it too. I’m 19 years old and I’ve only kissed 4 guys ever, and never anything more. I’m afraid and self-conscious and I feel like I don’t get the opportunity to meet boys that other girls do. I know its my fault but its so hard to change, and I don’t know if I really want to be in a relationship anyway; I don’t think I’d be good at it at all. I’m always fighting with my parents, especially my dad; he yells at me a lot. I used to be so afraid of him when I was younger; he has quite the temper and is always criticizing me. My mother constantly nags me to go out more, to find a job, to stop watching so much TV, to eat better, to do more chores, to act older, the list goes on. I often get excited about little things and become quite childish and energetic, but the smallest thing can also send me into a spiral of sadness, anger or  frustration for the rest of the day. Both reactions seem to annoy my family. My few friends probably find it annoying too; if I could stand being thought ill of I’d probably ask  them. I always think if I were prettier or smarter or talented at anything, life would be better. I don’t want to be different or behind; I just wish things were easier. What should I do?

Thanks so much for writing in for help. The fact that you are reaching out for advice in this forum means you have some hope that things could be different for you, that you can feel differently about yourself and your life.

What you’re describing sounds like depression: social isolation, insecurities, withdrawing from activities, negative thoughts, hopelessness. First, I want you to go to your physician and have a physical to rule out any physical illness. While you’re there please talk to your doctor about your hopelessness, isolation and fears. See if medication is an option for you. Your tendency to turn toward technology may be a way to numb your emotional pain.

Also, ask your doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist in your area to work on ways to improve your mood, gain self-confidence, and gain relationship skills. You may also want to consider asking your parents to attend family therapy  to improve your family relationships.  Even though you’re 19, it sounds as if  you’re still stuck in experiencing the “childhood” disapproval of your father, and criticism of your mother, and letting those emotions dictate, on some level, how you feel about yourself. The good news is, you can feel differently.

Your family relationships greatly impact how you feel about other relationships.  If you think about your relationship with your dad as the “template” for male relationships, and you experienced him as scary and critical, then it makes sense that you would be hesitant to open up to other male relationships, like friendships and dating relationships.  It makes sense that you’d have only a few female friends, too, because you’ve experienced your mother as nagging and constantly correcting you. She is your model of how to relate to women so you likely may fear disapproval in your female friendships as well. Your therapist can help free you from these patterns so you can experience relationships with others differently, and not as extensions of your parental relationships.

In addition to meeting with your physician and therapist, I’d like to recommend a couple of books to you: “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by Dr. David Burns and “The Relationship Cure” by Dr. John Gottman. Both books will provide excellent tools and new perspectives on yourself and your relationships.

Thanks again for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Can’t Stand This Anxiety

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 25th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My what I think is to be anxiety has taken over my thoughts. There isn’t a day that goes by that my mind is not consumed by insecurity, stress, and obsessive thoughts. There is no reason of these emotions, they are just there. I am 16 years old and people might say I have a good life. I have friends and can get girls, but inside, I don’t feel right. It’s like I haven’t found myself. I take Zoloft for anxiety, but I think there is way more to it than anxiety. My thoughts often feel “cloudy” and I get off track easily. I feel like this issue is holding me back from doing some fun things and having a great life. I used to be a real good student, but now my grades are dropping extremely. I often find myself looking in the mirror, it’s like I have to. I don’t know why, but I think it’s me trying to find who I am. It’s like I have no personality. I am way overly conscious of my looks. When ever I learn about a new disease, or disorder, I focus all my energy on that and I think I have it. I once convinced myself I was mentally retarded. I just wish I could be somewhat normal in the inside as everyone else. I know you’re suppose to accept who you are, but I think this is something that needs to be dealt with. I have an appointment in about a month with the therapist. I was just wondering if anyone could give me a head start on all this. I tried to explain it as well as I could and any advise or information would be appreciated.

I am sorry that you are struggling. In some respects, what you have described is normal for a teenager but there is also clear evidence of the symptoms of depression and anxiety. During your high school years, it is normal to struggle with self-esteem and identity development issues. Developmentally, you may be experiencing the “identity versus identity confusion” stage. This stage generally occurs during one’s high school years. At this life stage, individuals are attempting to find their own identity. It typically involves trying to fit in with other people, joining new groups, etc. It is essentially a time of trying to determine who you are and where you fit in. It is a normal, healthy and necessary stage of life.

Your obsession with having a particular disease is not a normal part of this stage. That obsession is a symptom often associated with anxiety, specifically obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This does not mean that you have OCD but it is a sign that anxiety is a definitive presence in your life.

Having “cloudy” thoughts and feeling as though you have “no personality” may be side effects of antidepressant medication. It is not uncommon for people who take antidepressant medication to report that they feel numb or lack a normal range of emotions. Some individuals report that they have difficulty with concentration while taking antidepressant medications. In many cases however, it is difficult to distinguish between medication side effects and psychological disorder symptoms. Even so, you should check with your prescribing physician to assess the possibility that some of your symptoms may be caused by medication side effects. In addition, be sure to discuss those and all other symptoms with your new therapist.

I am glad that you have made an appointment to see a therapist. You are taking a proactive approach in dealing with your issues. From my perspective, you are doing exactly what you need to be. One additional recommendation I have for you is to educate yourself about anxiety disorders and low self-esteem issues. You can accomplish this by reading books, reviewing websites, talking to other teens, or joining support groups, (online or in-person). I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Best Friend Is Suicidal

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW October 21st, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

My best friend is suicidal and I want to know if there is anything I can do to help her. She has already told her parents but they really aren’t doing anything to stop her. I have told a teacher at our school and the counselor but all they do is recommend seeing a psychiatrist. I am really worried about her she almost always has cuts all over her body arms, legs, and stomach. Her mother has been in and out of prison even before she was born. Her mother is also in right now and has been since she was 7. In the past few years she has had a lot happen, she lost her grandmother on her dad’s side two days before Christmas in 2008. Right after that she moved from a big house to a small one and in the process lost connection with her former best friend. Many of her animals outside died and she sat with one of her cats and had to watch it die after it got attacked by a dog. This past year she had her aunt on her dad’s side die and lost a lot of her friends. She also found out that her mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder by four different psychiatrists and borderline personality disorder by one or two. We were in seventh grade this year and for most of the second semester she was labeled a whore because of how she dresses and who hangs out with. This past summer is also when the cutting started it started off pretty bad but not frequent. It then went to minor burns and small scratches and then blew up again to bad cuts and they were very frequent. At the current moment she only has scars but is thinking about cutting herself again. I would just like an idea of what I could say to her to get her not to cut anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this (and respond if you do).

First of all, your friend is lucky to have such a mature and concerned friend like you. For 13 years old, you are wise to get some advice on how to handle this serious situation. You mentioned that your friend is suicidal. Has she told you that she has plans to end her life or are you suspecting that she is suicidal because of her cutting behavior? Often intentional self-harm, or parasuicidal behavior, is a cry for help without an intention to die. The two are related but don’t necessarily go together.

Does your friend acknowledge that she needs help to address her cutting? If so, she may want to ask her parents to take her to their family doctor. Sometimes parents are more willing to take their child to get “medical” help than “mental” help. Also, have you talked to your parents or guardian about this situation and asked for their help and advice? It may be a good idea to sit down with your friend and both sets of parents and express your love and concern and see how you and your parents can support your friend.  Another possible resource is Childhelp national hotline. You can tell them about your concerns with your friend and they will identify resources in your area.

If your friend’s parents are fully aware that their daughter is cutting and in need of psychological intervention and they refuse to get their daughter the treatment she needs, then this may be a case of medical neglect requiring or your parents to report the situation to child protective services. I hope it doesn’t come to that. Thank you again for writing in to Ask the Therapist.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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I’m raising my grandchildren alone and I’m miserable

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 22nd, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

5 yrs ago I received custody of a 5 yr boy and a 3 yr old girl grandchild. I was in a bad marriage at the time and my decision to take this on ended that. At the time I thought it was only temporary as my son and their father was in prison and planned to take care of them when he returned home. Their mother at that time had lost them to CPS for using, cooking and selling drugs. At a point a few months into this I realized my son would never be able to support them financially and would have continued difficulties staying out of trouble himself. Their mother is now sober according to her but is unable to care for the four kids she has. Since they have come to my home they have both been diagnosed with ADHD. I am all these kids have as far as security and I’m miserable. My friends are out enjoying the years after their kids are raised. My family is offering no emotional support. Cousins get together for meals out and don’t invite us. My brother plays it down as if I’m imaging it and making a bigger deal of it than I should. They think I should be more patient with the kids. I find dirty underwear both of them stuff into their dresser drawers. They know I like a semi clean house but I still continue to find dirty clothes stuffed in drawers and the back of closets. Everyone tells me they are kids. I believe I should be able to live in an odor free clean environment yet it hasn’t happened yet. I consistently take privileges away to no avail. It seems the kids have better support than I do. I’m tired of being miserable, unhappy and lonely. I’m on wellbutrin 300 mg (it keeps me from crying constantly) and I’ve done the therapy thing on more than a few occasions and they all say the same thing, “take better care of yourself and get a support system.” To someone who isn’t concerned with the financial and logistics of babysitters its just that simple. I’ve looked for grandparent support groups till I’m blue. I don’t know how much longer I can hide my distress.

I think it is time to get children’s protective services (CPS) involved. If you don’t deal with this issue proactively you are likely to become depleted and overwhelmed, and not be able to care for them in the long run.

Let CPS know what you are struggling with and find your daughter-in-law’s caseworker. He or she may be able to help offload the burden of responsibility from you. He or she may also be able to help you manage legally and in the coordination of services. Take a strong proactive approach to getting as much responsibility back on to the children’s parents as is possible with ancillary support services from CPS.

What I am suggesting is to start finding ways to deal with the fact that you have to have others take more responsibility so you can take better care of your needs. If you become depleted and can’t care for the children what would happen? That is the scenario you must use to guide your need for greater self-care. Ultimately you may be in a better, stronger position if you can be a support person rather than primary.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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