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Betrayal/Morality Issue from Friend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Just discovered 62 yo male friend/housemate of last 5 years seeing 18-25 yo hookers, I am so repulsed as they r so young.

I was shocked but not overly surprised as knew he had been hiding something for months. I now view him as the pervert sleaze & proven pathological liar that he is (as wont admit seeing anyone at all). Both single so no excuse to lie, could just admit seeing “someone”. Obviously has NO respect for me at all.

He continues to lie, even after I gave him present on his birthday!!! (I tested him by saying I hired him a hooker & he (lied again) saying he cant have sex w someone he doesn’t know).

Found out re hookers by checking his phone as knew he was lying to my face for months. Phone nos matched Adult ads for 18-22 yo girls. Integrity is vital so feel justified in looking at his phone, he has the morality issue I feel.

The man/friend I thought I knew is not who I thought he was, our friendship is over, I am sad disappointed and hurt by the deception and so disgusted in him for having no issue with having sex with females young enf to be his granddaughter & daughter!!

I am unable to “just let his business be his business/not care” as ethics and morality are the issue.

I can’t move out for at least a few months so how do I deal w it in the meantime? We agree friendship is over. Things are tense & we hardly talk. I told him I know he is seeing hookers & that he is a liar and disgusting.

I have nowhere else to go as I have pets and no job (so cant get a rental). Will have to live on the road in a van in a few months. He is also saying he may break the lease in a few months due to “a job offer elsewhere”…probably another lie, probably has another younger woman he is considering having move in. Regardless I will have to go. The trust is broken and now I know who and what he is there is no going back to the way things were.

****Advice PLEASE!!!****

You fully have the right to choose your friends and roommates. Are you right to keep him as a friend? Yes, if you choose to. Are you right to disown him as a friend? Yes, if you choose to. You are wrong, however, if you feel that you have the right to determine what is ethical or moral for anyone other than yourself. You are quick to call him names and demean him and to denounce him as a friend, yet it appears that he is allowing you and your pets to live with him in his home. Since you are not working, it would appear that you are living there free of charge.

Many people who will read your question will believe that it is you who are immoral and unethical for invading his privacy. This man is only your friend, yet you believe you have the right to read his messages and search his cell phone. You started this invasion of his privacy on a suspicion. How would you feel if he had a suspicion about your behavior or character and had searched your cell phone or computer or purse?

Does someone have the right to privacy or not? Do you keep things from him? Do you have memories, thoughts, experiences that you do not share with him? If so, why not? Could it be that you feel he would not be able to correctly judge you? Or could it simply be that you have a right to your privacy?

You have invaded his privacy. He trusted you and gave you access to his home and his possessions. Had he not done that, you’d likely still be friends. You looked and did not like what you found. You are free to disown him as a friend and are free to move out.

The real question is, is he your friend and was he your friend? You don’t have a job and cannot afford to pay rent. You have pets. He took you in and gave you and your pets a place to live. Most people would see this as the act of a true friend. You call him “a pathological liar.” How do you define that? Do you lie? Have you lied to him or to anyone? You must accept the fact that most people lie, but they do not do so for malicious purposes. They do so to protect themselves, not to hurt others. Studies show that most people lie a minimum of two times per day. Granted these are small lies to protect their privacy or to protect the feelings of others. How many times have you told somebody that you felt fine when in reality you did not? How many times did you tell someone that you thought they looked nice, when in reality you thought exactly the opposite?

People lie basically because they need to. Someone who told the truth all the time would be perceived as being unduly harsh, insensitive and of over disclosure. This is a complicated issue and you might find it very helpful to discuss it in total, with a knowledgeable therapist. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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The world won’t let me grieve or die

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t really know how to begin. I’m sorry if this takes for too long. I’ll try to be as precise as possible, since it’s not a single problem that I’m facing now. It all revolves around my mother’s suicide, my lover’s death and me being used by everyone.

My mother came from a kind of bizarre environment. She always felt her parents didn’t really love her, so she spent much of her life trying to get their attention. But it was difficult for her. Not that she was unintelligent or anything, but she though that she wouldn’t stand out and remain ignored by her parents. They paid all of the attention to my uncle, since they were (and still are) very sexist.

Then I was born. I happened to be a gifted child. When my mother saw this, she immediately thought she had struck gold. If she couldn’t stand out by herself, I would do it for her, she thought. During my childhood, she forced me to participate in writing and painting contests. I didn’t want to do so, but I won the first price every time. Never got the chance to enjoy the prizes, though. I was never even given toys, clothes or gifts as a positive reward. I was given nothing.

I always got A grades at school effortlessly, but even so she would force me to stay at home and study rather than go out and make some friends. Most of the time I would study for ten minutes, and then stare at the walls for the rest of the time my mother would lock me up at home.

None of these helped to impress my grandparents, so she forced me to do bigger things. During Christmas holydays, I would stay in the school gym to design, mount and oil paint the gigantic theater sets for the school plays. My teachers thought I was striving to call for attention and claim myself as better than the other kids, but it all was my mother’s doing! I was being used by her.
Maybe I should point out that I have a younger brother and my parents never put so much pressure on him.

Eventually, most of the teachers and classmates ended up either feeling uneasy with me or outright hating me. I would later learn than one of my former teachers claimed that she had painted all of the sets that I had done. So you could say I ended up being used by my teacher, too.

Things went similar as I grew up, my mother sabotaged each and every one of the dates that I had with girls, like bursting into the bar my date and me were staying. And when I went to college, she would give me a maximum of 10 bucks to spend a whole week on another city. If I made some photocopies then I couldn’t buy any food that day. I lost so much weight that many people thought I had anorexia.

About that time my mother started drinking heavily and dating another man. My father found it out, but he kept forgiving my mother. He was too arrogant to admit his marriage wasn’t working. That made her feel she had the control of the situation and, far from keeping faithful to my father, she dated this other man more often and drank much, much more. She even lost some teeth and had a set of dentures fitted.

Ok, I had all of these problems, but since I had never had actual contact with the real world, I wasn’t fully conscious that my situation was that abnormal. Some people even thought that my incapability to deal with people was because I had Asperger syndrome. Which I later learned that I hadn’t.

Some dishonest people learned of my arts abilities and promised to give me jobs, but I was never paid nor thanked for any of those, I was used as a mere tool once and another. My mother pressured me to do this stuff.

Then I met this woman. She was married and foreigner, but she was so full of life and charm. She was friends with everybody, and always had a smile on her face. She was so tiny and pretty. Kind and intelligent. We had a lot in common. Also, she had had a difficult childhood too, and considered herself to be the victim of the “adult-child” syndrome. That made us be even closer. We ended up falling in love, but of course we had to keep it a secret, we were lovers, so to everyone else, we were just really good friends. But we were happy anyway, and helped each other to carry on with our lives.

Things went on like this until my mother got drunk and committed suicide on New Years Eve, seven years ago. She hung herself right in front of me.

After the burial, my father didn’t count on me at all, so without taking my opinion into account, by February we had moved to another house and I didn’t have a room of my own. I became really depressed and didn’t feel like studying, I tried to commit suicide, to no avail. Even so, my father refused to take me to an specialist since that would be admitting he was not the perfect father and husband: to himself, his son was perfectly ok and normal.

My girl, my lover, became my only reason of existence and the only person who helped me out at all. She spent an entire month of her life by my side, day after day, until I felt better. She convinced my father to take me to a psychiatrist, and I was medicated for some time, recovered after a couple of years, and took a job as a CG designer and teacher at a local business.

Things went truly great from then on. I had some savings so I got a driving license, got a car, moved to a brand new rental apartment, and liked my job even if my salary was a bit scarce. Having independence, living on my own and dealing with customers and pupils made me finally grow up socially and become a “normal” person. My girl came every day to my place, we stayed for hours talking, sitting in the sofa, watching movies, eating popcorn, playing videogames, making love and having fun together. Her true husband is an artist and a really oblivious person, he wouldn’t be upset, so she even had the freedom to stay and sleep at my place many times. It was like we were married. I was so happy with my newfound life, and I was so happy to have my girl by my side, feel her warmth and love.

Then it all happened all of a sudden. My girl died of a brain hemorrhage. She just fainted. At least she didn’t notice it and didn’t suffer. It was a birth defect in one of the arteries. She couldn’t know. I was devastated. And since no one knew we were together, everybody acted strange upon me, like “why are you so sad? She was your friend, not your sister!”

Then, three days after that, I was fired from my job. My boss claimed “economic crisis related issues”. He claimed all my CG designs to be his own idea, so he used me as well.

My landlord was fired too, so he wanted to raise my rental, of course, I wasn’t able to pay it being unemployed, so I had to return to my father’s place.

I was involved in a car crash one day after that. I was waiting in my car by a red traffic light and a drunken guy rammed his sedan into my trunk.

I could not believe it. For the first time, I had a life, and then, all in the same week, I lost everything.

It’s been 10 months since then, and I still feel the same about my girl. I cannot forget her, I miss her so badly. I cannot talk to anyone about this, and cannot go to a specialist since I’m afraid of an overexagerated reaction on my father’s part. I feel like a never married widower. Her husband hasn’t even shed a tear for her. I cannot go like this anymore. I don’t feel suicidal, but I don’t wanna live either.

Everything’s been taken away from me, and I cannot even grief my girl properly.

Oh god! What am I gonna do!?

Thank you for your description and the opportunity to respond to your situation. My heart goes out to you. This is particularly sad since the two women in your life have died and left you without support. This is a familiar feeling in your life, but highly distressing.

It is the familiarity and your past success that I want to address.

The theme in your life seems that you are used and abandoned by those admiring you and your talents. Yet, there is clear evidence from your use of medicine and therapy to transcend this pattern and find true joy and happiness. It seems as though your lover awakened in you the feeling of being admired, appreciated, nurtured and loved. But her death recapitulated the sense that what you attain is taken away, or ignored.

I would go back into therapy and work on two things. First, grieving. Grieving what your mother didn’t give you (but you wished she had) and what your lover did give you, but wasn’t able to continue. Grief work allows us to mourn what we didn’t get and accept the loss of what we did. There is a particularly good author who has written extensively about this type of work. I recommend reading Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child as many of your concerns are discussed brilliantly in her work. In fact, she ultimately embraces art as a way to move through the process. I think you would find her work an important adjunct to your therapy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Mother hates my possibly soon to be fiancé

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I dated a guy 2 years ago and we got to the point where we said I love you to each other. He ended up taking my virginity and then we ended up braking up on bad terms. He didn’t cheat on me. My mom found out about a year later and she decided that she hates him with all her heart and she never wanted me to see him again. At the time I had no problem with it because I forced myself to hate him so I wouldn’t get hurt even more.

With in those two years he tried to get me back many times and finally stopped last year in the early fall. I have tried to date other guys but it just didn’t feel right and I realized that it was because I still loved him. So I gave him my number on facebook to call me and he did. He was shocked that I wanted to talk to him; he never expected to hear from me again. So we talked for a while and found out that we still care about each other very much. I also found out that he is in the army and is getting deployed to Afghanistan in February.

One of the things we have talked about is getting married. I’m not sure when but probably soon. The hardest thing I have to deal with right now is trying to tell my mom that I love him very much and that we are dating. And I need to do this before July 23 of this year because I don’t want to have to lie to her about hanging out with him. I want her to not hate him anymore. I can understand her fear of us having sex again, but we have already talked about it and I told him I don’t want to again until I’m married. He is fine with that and promised not to pressure me.

I can’t see myself with anyone else. I really truly love him with all my heart and he feels the same way about me and I don’t want to get married with out my mother’s approval but I will if I have to.

Thank you very much for asking us your question, but you are not likely to be happy with what I have to say.

Sometimes the things we want are not the things that are the best for us. While I very much appreciate your love for this young man there are several features that scream out here. Nothing in this scenario has the makings of a foundation that will sustain a life-long relationship. Very few people are ready to get married when they are 17, and I would encourage you to seriously rethink your situation.

At some point studying relationships is like understanding physics. Certain rules are going to be in effect whether or not we like it. Imagine holding a delicate ceramic cup out the window of a two-story building and aiming for a marshmallow to land on safely and not break. Getting married at 17 and expecting a life-long relationship to evolve happily is equivalent to this feat. It could happen, but chances are against it.

Marriage in general is a risky undertaking and the divorce rate is high; nearly half. If you are serious about making your commitment to each other make the promise and see how it goes. The piece of paper saying you are married can be added down the road if desire is still there. If it feels safer for you to say you are engaged then okay, but I would not have a wedding until you have spent time with your boyfriend after he returns. This is a particularly tender time in your lives, and you are both likely to change radically over the next several years. Your perhaps future fiancé is going off to war, and this will require him to readjust to civilian life when he returns. In other words, you will both be different people when he comes back. Learn about who you are; you can decide what kind of a relationship you want when you have reconnected. That will be the time to see if you want to be together, not now.

Your mother simply does not want you to be hurt. A parent’s instinct is to protect the child. Your mother has a good point. He hurt you and the relationship ended badly, and now he is going away – another hurt I am sure your mom senses coming toward you.

If you love this guy then stay connected to him while he is away and when he returns see if a relationship evolves. If you need to be engaged you should at least wait until you are 18 to marry, but I would recommend against it. Develop yourself while he is away, then see if there is enough to build on when he is back. If you choose otherwise, I wish the marshmallow and the cup good luck.

I would also seek therapy while he is in Afghanistan to cope with the separation as you develop. You can find a referral at the top of this page under “find help.”

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Help My Daughter?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

About 6 months ago I found out my husband had been having suicidal ideation for about a year. I thought he was having a lot of work related stress and had no idea how bad he was because he managed to be highly functional despite his depression. Depression and suicide runs in his family. Shortly after that I found my 16 yr old weeping and stressed a few times. A year ago one of her acquaintances committed suicide and two of her friends have been depressed and are now being treated for it. She was in constant fear that someone else was going to die. Fearing she was also in trouble I got her into therapy. As her father and friends have improved with medication and therapy, it seemed like my daughter had improved, but neither her and I have felt like her therapy sessions have had much impact. She is very shy still with her therapist. Tonight she broke down and was crying again. She is very imaginative and says that she wishes she lived in the fantasies she imagines and is disappointed that she can’t. But sometimes it feels like they are real. Real life is boring. She can’t stand being around most people and large groups of people make her feel very anxious. She feels irritable around her family and feels like being mean to her siblings and harps on them. She hates feeling like she is a mean person, but can’t help it. She is often disrespectful to my husband and I and doesn’t care and feels guilty that she doesn’t. A couple weeks ago she was mad at us because we wanted her to do her chores and she stormed out of the house and was gone for a couple hours before returning. It scared me, but we just treated it like she retreated to her room for a bit, because we didn’t want her to using running away as an attention getting thing. She was interested in writing but no longer wants to because she is discouraged that she can’t write out what she can imagine much better. She knows she is being too perfectionistic about it but can’t get past it. I also think she feels low self esteem because although she is very bright, imaginative and enjoyable to be around she compares herself to others, including her siblings, who have talents that are more easily seen such as being in the gifted program, music or athletics. She was a very outgoing, fun child but is much more reserved and insecure as a teen, at least outside of the family. She says she thinks something is wrong with her. She sleeps fine, no weight or diet changes and had straight A’s. She doesn’t want to go to her therapist anymore or start over with anyone else. I don’t know if she is just going through normal growing pains or if she really needs more intervention. And my recent failure to see my husband’s needs makes me not trust my own judgment on the matter. I just want all my family to all be happy again. What can/should I do to help her?

Between your husband’s recent suicidal ideation and the suicide of one of your daughter’s acquaintances, the fact that she is reacting to these circumstances is normal, but professional intervention is required. Some research suggests that suicide can be contagious, especially among teenagers. One person’s suicide or suicidal ideation can trigger another person’s thoughts or behaviors. Though she has never directly expressed suicidal thoughts, her risk of suicide is elevated.

You felt that her therapy was not helping but was it given a fair chance? Your daughter improved but you allowed her to quit because she was “very shy with her therapist.” Shyness is not uncommon in the beginning of therapy. It takes time to build a trusting relationship. She should return to therapy. Try another therapist. We are not all the same.

If resuming therapy is not an option, then you should contact the therapist, report that your daughter refuses treatment but clearly needs it and ask for help. The therapist is familiar with her case and can advise you about how to proceed.

Given your daughter’s exposure to suicide, she may be more susceptible to suicidal thoughts or behaviors than someone without exposure. Your daughter should be in treatment.

If you continue to struggle to help your daughter, then you should consider entering individual therapy. Family therapy is also a wise option, especially given your husband’s suicidal ideation. If you attended therapy, you would serve as a great role model for your daughter. If she sees that you are willing to engage in treatment, then she might follow in your footsteps. Do whatever is necessary to ensure that she receives help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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I Am Really Lonely

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am an adult child of divorced parents. My family is dysfunctional and after visiting my family this summer I have felt depressed and not motivated to do more than I have to. My grandfather is dying and my dad got into a big fight with my grandmother. I am feeling guilty because I don’t know if I am going to go see my grandfather again this summer. My dad is a depressed mess. Both my parents have families that I am not a part of. I am the only child with my parents and have no siblings of my own but am in the middle of a family of step siblings that are all close and I feel alone and left out. I don’t have any friends and stay home with my kids all day. My husband and I moved to a new town last year and probably will move again in about a year. I feel isolated and just not connected to anybody except my husband and children. I am really lonely.

The antidote to feeling lonely is to stop being alone. I’m sorry that your family is so disappointing. But some people don’t get the families they deserve. If that’s the case, then it becomes important to make a family of dear friends. It doesn’t matter that you may move in another year. That’s a whole year away. Developing a couple of good friendships now will mitigate your loneliness and will also give you important practice for making friends at your next stop.

The good news is that you have kids. Kids make friends easily. The parents of your kids’ friends for a natural pool of people for you to explore. Go to your kids’ games, activities, and school parent nights. Ask your kids to introduce you to their friends. Say hello to the kids’ parents. Be open to the possibility that they would welcome getting to know you. Volunteer to be helpful at school functions. There’s nothing like working side by side with people to help break the ice. If you are a person of faith, do the same at your house of worship. Find a book club or another activity that you would genuinely enjoy. Go. Bring cookies.

Yes, it takes effort. Yes, you don’t feel like it. But you also don’t feel like being lonely. You and I both know that you won’t find friends sitting home alone. Please take a deep breath and make it a project to do at least three things a week to help yourself find the kind of friends you want and need.

Meanwhile, don’t miss opportunities to be in contact with your grandfather. Even if he can’t talk to you on the phone, he can listen to you tell him you love him and that he’s important to you. Send cards. Support your grandmother by calling her now and then. You may not be able to see them but you can let them know that they are in your heart and in your thoughts. Doing what you can now will help you be without regrets later.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Sometimes Get Confused if Divorce Is Right

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My husband always needed advise about everything including our relationship from people that he did not know personally but via third person and would talk over the phone. His family and elder brother lived in India. He always showed them that he was not happy but would be different when he was with me. He never worked during our less than a year marriage due to his immigrant status. He was verbally abusive and tried to control everything.

We had an argument one morning. That night he talked to his brother and got angry. He slapped me, I warned that I’ll call the cops. He walked out of house. Later, he came with the cops, tried to get me arrested but they saw my bruises and arrested him.

His brother booked his flight without giving me any option; he just left me within 2 days. He blocked my number and only contacted me when he wanted to. He went to my hometown, met my school friends, family friends, falsely accused us and made up stories.

When he ran out of people overseas, he started contacting family friends in the US about how miserable he was. He and his family would not talk to me or my parents if we tried to contact directly. He wanted me and my parents to go to India to beg that we wanted him to come back.

I booked our flights but my condition was I didn’t want his brother’s presence when we all meet. He promised but, his brother came along who was so disrespectful that my dad had a stroke. He passed away two days later.

My husband never showed up at the hospital or his funeral. I came back to the US, withdrew his sponsorship, filed for divorce that was granted. When he found out, he contested, came back to the US.
I don’t know his whereabouts and have no contact with him.

I go back and forth about if I should give him a chance. I feel I still love him and then I realize I cannot trust him. I feel I should call him then I remember my dying dad and his pain, and that he never showed up, was never there and tried to defame me even after my dad passed away.
I feel like a mess sometimes and do not know what I am supposed to do.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father.

I’m sure this whole situation has caused you a great deal of stress but, from what you wrote, I think you did make the right decision.

Since he wasn’t working, it is possible your husband felt he had to prove to himself and other people that he was still the “man of the house”. You wanted and needed a respectful, loving partner. Instead of working on your marriage, he made himself a “victim” in the eyes of his family and became increasingly controlling and emotionally and physically abusive toward you.

Love without trust never works. Your ex-husband hasn’t changed. He hasn’t contacted you to apologize, to ask for forgiveness or to talk about ways that maybe the two of you could start again. For you to “give him another chance” is like one hand clapping.

Give yourself the love and respect you never got from your husband. Be glad you discovered his true nature before you had children or became dependent on him. You and your family did not deserve the way he treated you. No one deserves treatment like that.

If you can’t move on, please make an appointment with a therapist to get some support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Early Menopause?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

After about six months of going to doctors and more doctors to try to find an explanation for some strange physical symptoms I have been having, I was recently told that I am very likely to go through menopause in the next two years or so. As a 26 year-old who recently finished a master’s degree and just finished my first year in a job that I love, this news was not only surprising, but also devastating. I’m single, have always been healthy, and haven’t really given much thought to having children yet. Now I’m faced with decisions that I feel completely unprepared to make. I have talked with my doctors who have suggested that I look into freezing my eggs (sooner rather than later), fertility clinics who have overwhelmed me with information about the process of retrieving, storing, and freezing my eggs as well as IVF, and friends and family members who all have opinions of their own.

I have spent these past few days reflecting, weighing my options, praying, crying, trying to listen to myself, and trying to make some sort of decision about whether or not to go through the extremely expensive process of saving my eggs, knowing that the success rates are low. I do not know whether I want to have children. I know I’m not ready to have them now as I am starting a career and figuring out who I am, but what if I want them in five or ten years? I know adoption would be a possibility–and I know that I could love an adopted child as if they were my own biological child.

I went from living my life in the present a few weeks ago to being rushed into the future. I suddenly have doctors asking me how I would feel about having a child in the next year or so (which I’m not ready to do) or how I would feel about freezing my eggs (or fertilizing them and freezing the embryos) or how I would feel about never having my own biological children. I’m overwhelmed with such big questions, and I feel completely unprepared to make these decisions.

I see a therapist regularly, and she and I have begun to talk through my options and all of the pros and cons. It feels like there is no “right” or even “good” choice. The more information I gather, the more complicated and confusing everything seems. I am leaning toward letting my body do what it is going to do naturally and to later adopt children if I choose to do so, but I’m afraid to commit to that decision, because I know it comes with deep grief, sadness, and potentially irreversible consequences. No matter how much I obsess about this or learn more about the process, I don’t come up with a decision I feel good about. How am I supposed to go about making such a decision?

Your situation moved me deeply because your thoughtful nature and awareness are so keenly attuned to the dynamics of your situation. I hope I can offer a perspective that can be helpful.

Dan Gilbert is a Harvard psychologist who studies how we think about the future and try to predict what will make us happy when we get there. I am reducing his immense body of work to a few sentences which could not possibly do it justice, but in essence he explains that we don’t do a very good job of predicting what will make us happy –that we are more or less over-influenced by the present moment and that causes us to make systematic errors in what we think will make us happy down the road.

What tends to be true is that our happiness and what brings us a sense of contentment comes from having the courage to face our life circumstances directly. When we can accept our challenges and joys that are hidden in our life circumstance with an open attitude then we take our life and turn it into a work of art.

Stay with yourself. Stay present with your mind and your body. You already have a trusted therapist and a team of doctors. It seems to me the work is to stay present with yourself and don’t lose these moments of your life to indeterminate futures. What I am encouraging you to do is cultivate a mindfulness meditation practice. Notice where your mind takes you. Here is more information about mindfulness.

The shift is toward self-acceptance and believing that you will be okay with yourself regardless of what you decide.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Do I Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

At the age of 5 I lost my father to suicide following the traumatic event I began to act out a lot more. Around age 7 I began to scream or cry and have extreme outbursts. Continuing on throughout my childhood I suffered repeated emotional and physical abuse from my mother. As well as being in a domestic violent home my needs were almost never met. I found myself taking care of myself and my brothers and constantly being on edge or in fear. As a child I was always changing my hair color as well as what sport or activities I liked. In my teen years the suicidal thoughts starting showing at age 14. In relationships I found myself to be extremely attached to the person being called annoying from how much I would text them or have the extreme desire to always be around them. My relationships have also always been intense. I notice I like to jump straight into another relationship if one ends. At around age 18 I started using drugs to numb the pain from my home life. Then moving in with my boyfriend and his mom only to experience more emotional abuse that lead me to a psych hospital. I was using these drugs to alter my personality I guess. To make myself more outgoing in a sense more fun to be around. My likes and dislikes seem to change almost everyday as well as my mood. Nothing about my emotions seem stable I can be happy one moment and for no reason become intensely angry. I also have a hard time focusing on one task at a time I am easily distracted. During the day I have to constantly find something to do to keep myself from feeling extremely bored or depressed. For example I will get up to get a glass of water but find myself vacuuming the whole house and cleaning my room. My sleep schedule has always been erratic I can sleep for 5 hours and still feel hyper. I am currently on prozac as my doctor thinks my only problem is anxiety. I have not been assessed at all since seeing this psychiatrist and my symptoms have been ignored. I almost feel crazy because I’m not sure what to believe are these feelings valid to others. I would really like to know what could be wrong.

Of course, it’s impossible to provide a diagnosis over the internet based on only a short letter. I would highly recommend undergoing a full assessment with a mental health professional. They will collect personal and psychosocial information about your life and interview you at length, which would help them to determine if a psychological diagnosis is warranted. There’s a tremendous advantage to conducting an in-depth interview as it allows the evaluator the opportunity to ask probing questions and to gauge an individual’s responses, observe body language and so forth. A thorough evaluation is the best place to start.

Although I cannot provide a diagnosis over the internet, I can provide some general feedback about your symptoms. In general, nothing you have described necessarily, fits borderline personality disorder. Rather, there may not be any one particular diagnosis that fully encompasses your symptoms. You lost your father to suicide at a very young age. That’s traumatic for anyone at any age but even more so for a child. It makes sense that you would begin acting out after the loss of your father. That is expected, especially given the absence of any intervention for the trauma of losing a parent to suicide. You were left to fend for yourself. Anyone would have struggled in that circumstance, most especially a young child.

Then, you had to deal with your mother repeatedly emotionally and physically abusing you. You stated that your needs were “almost never met.” You had to take care of yourself and your siblings when you were only a child. You lived, as you said, in a constant state of fear. There’s an enormous body of research that exists demonstrating the long-term damage of physical and emotional abuse on children. Studies show that children who were abused, sometimes develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In these studies, children with PTSD, as a result of having been physically and emotionally abused, continued to experience elevated levels of stress even on “normal days” when nothing especially stressful was happening. In other words, their stress systems continued to be turned on even when they didn’t need to be. This creates a heightened sense of anxiety for a child, leaving them feeling uneasy, uncertain, and on edge. This may be what you had experienced and perhaps continue to experience.

At that point, as you got older, you began to do things such as dye your hair, experiment with drugs, and so forth. That’s fairly typical behavior among many teenagers but especially among those who lack support and guidance in their lives. You were doing the best that you could, given your difficult circumstances.

Fast forward to today. As you mentioned, you continue to experience problems but that’s not surprising given the fact that you seemingly have yet to try treatment. You spent some time in a hospital but typically hospital stays are short and are only meant to stabilize an individual’s acute mental state. Once the emergency has passed, hospitals typically discharge patients and recommend outpatient treatment for longer-term therapy.

My recommendation is counseling. Medication alone is not meeting your needs, as evidenced by the fact that you continue to have many distressing symptoms despite being on Prozac. You might benefit from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which was developed as a specific treatment for borderline personality disorder but is also effective for other disorders. The key is to find a therapist you like and trust and with whom you feel comfortable. I always advise interviewing at least 4 to 5 therapists, over the phone, before beginning making a choice. Choose the one who you like the best. In this pandemic environment, your only therapy option may be by telehealth. Many people are finding it more convenient than traditional therapy.

All of the symptoms you have described are treatable. With the right help and guidance, you can overcome these issues. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Keep Thinking About My Family Dying

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Bangalore India: This all started when my grandpa passed away last year. I saw my grandpa die as they bought him home from the hospital. He came home and slept immediately, and he didn’t wake up again. My uncle performed CPR, and I tried calling the ambulance. The call didn’t go through and to this day I feel I am responsible for his death. In reality, if the call had even gone through, it would have made no difference. But I can’t get over the fact that there was nothing I could do.
From that day, I can’t stop thinking about all my family dying in a horrible way. Everyday, when I walk home from school, I think about the ways they could die and what I would do without them.

I love them a lot but I know someday, everybody must go. But the fact that it keeps me awake at the night and enduces nightmares, I can’t seem to continue my life normally anymore. I also sometimes breakdown crying at the night.

I just want it to stop. Please.

Your grandfather died in a way that was peaceful for him but traumatic for you. I’m sure everyone has reassured you that in no way is it your fault that the call didn’t go through. You and your uncle tried your best but, as you say, it would not have made a difference if the medics had gotten there more quickly.

You are going through what is known in philosophy as an existential crisis. This is an absolutely normal response to a difficult death. Your grandfather’s passing made the finality of death real for you. Up until then, it was an abstraction. Yes, philosophically, we all know that everyone dies. But it is the first meaningful death we experience that makes that idea starkly real. That event makes many people question the meaning of life and the meaning of their own existence. It falls on us, then, to come to grips with the transient nature of life and to figure out how we want to live and love. These are the big, important questions. The fact that you are struggling with them tells me you are a sensitive and thoughtful person.

Modern life doesn’t give most of us the time we need to grieve and think and think some more — even though it would be helpful to do just that. If you can’t take time out from your responsibilities, what you can do is compartmentalize your feelings so you can function.

Here’s what compartmentalization means: Decide on an hour or so a day when you will give yourself permission to grieve your grandfather and to think about those big questions. Whenever feelings and thoughts come up for you at other times, remind yourself that you will deal with them during the special allotted time. Then make sure you do it. Your thoughts are less likely to intrude on your day (or your nights) if you give yourself a specified and regular time to store your memories and to think hard about the meaning of your experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Not Allowed to See Grandson

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband and I took care of our grandson up til he was two. We tried to follow all rules and routines my son and his wife had set for us, yet if the baby fussed at night they were suspicious about what we had done during the day.Though I felt hurt,but for the sake of the child,I didn’t walk out on them.Instead,We would explain and my daughter-in-law seemed accepting our apology politely,and I thought she gradually accepting us as part of the extended family.

After the child started daycare,We continued babysitting him on weekends during the summer while his parents went on long biking day trips. We had fun time almost every week. This summer they seldom called us to come over.When our grandson asked us why we don’t go playing with him? We said he should ask permission from his parents but they said no.

Right before he was starting K, his mother told me they decided to enroll him to Charter school instead. She also mentioned “maybe” we could pick him up@3 for her if she couldn’t make it from work.So we told her we found where the school is and got some free info for our use the next day. This made her flip. She obviously forgot what she had said and wrote us a bad “direct&blunt” letter to tell us we couldn’t go to this or any potential school in the future.If we don’t comply, we don’t get to see our grandson, she doesn’t need to defend her views!

I fully understand that as the child growing older,as their finance improving, they won’t need us as much. But it hurts me so bad to know that they actually mean to destroy our loving relationship with our grandson (she is consumed by jealousy). They only want to use our unconditional service at their convenience. We are in distraught. It kills me thinking about this lonely child has no siblings, he needs us for now just as his parents.(why it is a conflict of interest for her?) I don’t know how to stop his mother from bullying us, treating us as her enemy so taking her child as if he is a hostage! Please help!(sorry, this is the shortest I could!
come up with)

What a terribly painful situation. I think you are correct. Your daughter-in-law liked having the free daycare but she didn’t like the fact that you had a loving relationship with her son. How sad that she feels this is a competition. Children get different things from parents and grandparents. They benefit from having both in their lives. A loving relationship with one in no way diminishes the relationship with the other. In fact, the more we fill children up with love, the more loving they become.

I am concerned that you felt you needed to be constantly apologizing and explaining. From your description, it doesn’t sound like you had anything to apologize for. She really should have been grateful for all the help and support you were giving her. But — you can’t be the one pointing that out. She’s only likely to get defensive about it.

Sadly, there is little you can do to change her mind. If your daughter-in-law is so insecure and jealous, it is unlikely that you can have a rational discussion about it with her. All you can do is keep offering to give the young couple time off by taking their son for a weekend here and there or even for a longer vacation. If she feels she is getting something she wants, she will probably respond positively.

I sincerely hope your son will at some point be able to reassure his wife and help her understand that they are getting far more than only babysitting from your involvement. Being part of an extended family, when it is functional, is one of the best safeguards for life’s inevitable disappointments and tragedies. Love is what gets us all through.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Feel as if I Have a Self Esteem Issue

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’m 21. My reason on writing this is because I Feel I have a self esteem issue and dont know if it’s normal or not?

so I’ve been dating this guy for about two years now. He is a great guy has a kind heart, very sensitive and knows how to be a gentlemen everything you could ask for in someone that you would want to marry one day.

My only issue is that he has a two year old daughter with a previous ex girlfriend. they separated a couple months after the baby was born she moved to another state shortly after. there is hardly any co parenting he does not get chances to see his daughter its a tough situation,

I feel awkward sometimes when discussions about the child is brought up and i’m not sure if I am just jealous that another woman has a piece of him and always will also that I was not the first one to give him something special like his first child maybe I feel as there will always be some type of feelings in both their hearts towards each other

I can see she still has feelings for him from negative stuff she posts on social media towards him and his moving on. We are young I understand nothing is going to go smooth but we are expecting a child now and I catch myself having jealous feelings if the subject is not about our little family. for example if I have to hear about how the mother of his child is not cooperating as a co parent, it seems as if she is brought up often in family discussions as in his mother, sisters in certain subjects not on purpose but only because the child is not present in their lives anymore due to the mother being childish and keeping the child away from him and also his family.

It is tough feelings to deal with I dont know if i am a little jealous and just new to being with someone who has a kid and im just adjusting to it according to my age? but i would like to learn to stop feeling this jealousy of him having another child and being insecure of the mother and just live peacefully and quit over thinking negative and except a mature responsibility.

Thank you for writing. You are asking very important questions. It doesn’t help to call yourself names like “jealous” or “immature”. This is a difficult situation. It is very much to your credit that you are looking for some advice instead of just getting angry.

You are correct that your boyfriend will always have a connection to his ex because of their child. That connection has nothing to do with love for her, but it does have to do with love for his child. I do hope that he will see a lawyer regarding his rights to visitation or joint custody.

This child is part of his life and will, therefore, be part of yours, whether or not she spends time with you. Your boyfriend and his family are grieving the loss of the relationship. It speaks well of them all that they continue to hold that child in their hearts. That doesn’t mean that they won’t also love and cherish your child.

My best suggestion for you is that you support your boyfriend in his efforts to include his child in your family life. Instead of seeing the little girl as a threat, consider that she is part of the man you love. It is not the child’s fault that her mother is posting negative statements. It is not the child’s fault that she can’t see her daddy. She is just a little girl who needs her father’s love. Hopefully, you will get the chance to love her, too.

Encourage your sensitive, kind-hearted man to talk about his feelings. Let him know that you support him in getting time with his daughter and including her in your family. Love is one of those things that only grows the more it is shared.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Silent Break-Up

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Greece: I broke up with my fiancé. I am 33 and he is 35. We were together for 6 years and the last 2 we were engaged. I was the one that left the house because the last months he was has pressure from his job and also he was telling me that I was putting pressure on him. He didn’t want to talk with me and when I was trying to make conversations he was telling that I was nagging and he was leaving.

The day that I left I was calling him to bring some stuff home .I called him around 3 times and he didn’t pick up the phone and the 4th time that he answered it, when I asked him where are you he started screaming at me, then he came home he broke up my mobile and he continue to scream and telling me now I will see how you are going to call me. He made me really upset and I told him that it is enough and I am leaving. He didn’t do anything and he left from the house. I took some stuff and I left and came to my parent’s house.

After 5 days he deleted me from fb and put on that he is single. He didn’t try to contact me and I didn’t contact him as well. After 17 days he came at my parent;s garden and he left bags with my clothes and other stuff, and he called my brother to tell him that he left my stuff in the garden. Again he didn’t contact me. 24 days after I left the house and a week after he brought my stuff he contacted me for the first time now by a text in which he was writing next week I will bring you some of your furniture. During these days I called him twice, but he never answered my calls. Why he has this behavior? What I must do?

I’m sure this is very painful. It sounds like he has been planning to leave for some time, but you were caught completely by surprise. Your boyfriend is the only person who can answer your question about his behavior. I suspect he doesn’t answer your calls because he doesn’t want you to try to talk him out of leaving.

I think you should calmly ask him to meet with you to help you understand what has come between you. Let him know that as much as you’d like him to change his mind, you won’t put pressure on him. Tell him that you need to hear from his perspective what happened to the love between you. That is the path to forgiveness and to moving on.

Then keep your word. Do your best to simply hear what he has to say. Don’t try to persuade or convince him to come back. Just tell him how you feel about him and ask him to rethink his position. Staying calm will be difficult for you but it is the only way you will get the information you are looking for.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Daughter Blames Me for Her Suicide in Her Farewell Letter. How Can I Survive?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

From Netherlands: Our beloved daughter committed suicide at age 20 on 9 September 2014. She was a brilliant student but had difficulties with her studies and holding friends. She was depressed and liked to be home with us her parents and sister. She was diagnosed with autism or schizoid. She decided not to be treated. She could never express her feelings, she said she could not feel. She took pills and left us on 9 September 2014.

We found an extensive farewell letter in English called ‘Lost cause’ of 16 pages. She describes the trauma coming early but not saying what is was. She said love was supposed to be something special. She was always feeling guilty about her parents potentially breaking up and not understanding why others did not see it her way. She called herself empty and got directions about feelings from her ‘inside thing’ taking over since age 5. She left us also a copy of an article about priming trying to make clear why she was so upset about breaking love and used priming to make a link to her past at age 5 when I had an affair and left home for 2 months and my wife cried a lot. My daughter states in her letter: don’t leave, we can work it out, we don’t need money.

Ever since finding the farewell note O blame myself that she had relationship trauma and became schizoid of this. I am seeing a therapist but I blame myself and cannot find a way to prove that a break up of 2 months could not have caused her death. A copy of her farewell letter can be forwarded.

Mental illness can be difficult to treat. In your letter you said that she chose not to take treatment. Without treatment, there is very little chance of improvement. With the course that she chose her suicide is not to be unexpected.

Her suicide is a result of her mental illness and that is clear. What you are questioning is the cause of her mental illness. With schizophrenia and autism there is no evidence to suggest that the actions or inactions of a parent can cause these disorders. This research is objective and if there was a possible link to the actions of a parent as the cause or a potential cause of these disorders, it would have been reported in the literature.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult and in many cases impossible to force someone into therapy or to take medication. There are many family members, who have loved their daughter, brother, mother, sister, father, etc., as much as it is possible to love and still they were unable to get their very loved family member, to accept treatment.

It is safe to say, that leaving your wife and child for two months did not cause your daughter’s schizophrenia or autism. Leaving for two years would not have caused your daughter’s mental illness. Divorcing your wife and never again contacting her or your daughter, would not have caused your daughter’s schizophrenia or autism. It is obvious from your letter that you love your daughter very much. It is also safe to say that from what I’ve read, at least in my opinion, you would have very gladly given up your life for your daughter, and if it would bring her back you probably still would. However, even sacrificing your life for your daughter would have neither prevented or cured her schizophrenia or autism.

If you had never known that you had a daughter, if you had never known that you had impregnated her mother and thus never even known of the existence of your daughter, her schizophrenia or autism would still have occurred. Her death was a result of her mental illness, just as surely as a death caused by cancer.

Use the love that you have for your daughter, take that love and spread it in the world by doing good for others. Honor your daughter by helping others. Spreading flowers on her grave will not help your grief. Spreading love in this world will.

Good luck my friend.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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PTSD & Don’t Know What to Do

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been on multiple deployments, recipient of the Purple Heart in combat. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and not on any drugs of any kind because I don’t want to be. The Army doctors are only interested in giving me drugs and since I am not suicidal there is nothing they can do for me. For the past 2 years I have felt more and more socially isolated. I spend my days at work and in my barracks room, I do not do anything besides sit in my chair and watch TV. I do not see the point of going out and doing anything because plan and simple cant find a reason to leave my room other than going to the store for essentials. Do to age and being single my social group is extremely limited in my opinion, most people that live in the barracks are 5 to 8 years younger than me and are only interested in going out and getting drunk to have a good time. I do not drink heavy and will not start, i think being drunk is pointless so actually going to bars around here is something i just don’t do. That again limited my social interaction so i just sit here without a social group and friends.

Naturally I have been single for over two years, this fact has led me to do most everything alone. I will do most everything by myself, from going out to eat to going to the movies. That got old quick so I just stopped going out. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore, just getting to the point of not caring about much of anything.

I am not familiar with the mental health services that are available to you at your military base. I am assuming that if you are allowed to leave the barracks to go to bars and movies, then you could attend mental health services as well. Are there are psychological services outside of the barracks that you could utilize? Perhaps there are mental health facilities that offer support groups, group therapy or individualize therapy sessions.

You should also consider attending a church and becoming involved in their activities. For many people, there are significant psychological benefits to both participating in church activities and assisting others in need. For many people, it provides great meaning to their lives.

Twenty years ago, there was a lot less known about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Current, cutting-edge treatments typically involve more than medication. I would encourage you to talk to the clinicians at your base about what you have been experiencing. Inquire whether they offer group or individual therapy for individuals with PTSD. There may be other treatments for PTSD of which you’re unaware.

I also wouldn’t rule out medication. It is possible that a low-dose medication could significantly improve your symptoms. You should be open to any treatment which could improve your life.

I hope that you will consider my suggestions. You may also want to review these resources: the Iraq and Afghanistan veterans of America (IAVA) and the Womack Army Medical Center. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Incapable of Making Good Decisions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am completely falling apart. I am overwhelmed with guilt because many of my problems are self-induced. I feel I am completely incapable of making any correct decisions and I only make things worse.

I choose a college based on their acceptance rate into law school, neglecting the financial cost under the assumption I would become a lawyer and wouldn’t have to worry about the stress of student loans. I made the poor decision to defer law school for a year to work at a non-profit attempting to save the world, which only served to put me in severe debt. My student loans got deferred and then defaulted as a result of my low paying job and negligence. I met someone at 23 who I thought I would spend the rest of my life. Consequently I gave up graduate school, took an even further pay cut to so I could move with him to another city. After being together for 3 years, I found out he was in love with an old flame from college and had decided that I was too much of a burden for him.

This April my little sister took her own life, the night before she was coming to visit me. She had so many things going for her. I can’t even begin to describe the guilt I feel associated with her passing. All of my poor decisions, asking her to come visit me, being self-absorbed in my own problems and not being as great of a sister to her as she was to me.

I work at an insurance company reviewing death claims. I spent 8 hours every day looking at autopsy reports and death certificates. Because we are paying out large amounts of money our work is critically reviewed and scrutinized. I feel like a complete failure in my job. I feel sick walking into work every morning because I am terrified to make a mistake or to face a mistake I made before. I just can’t get anything right.

I’ve made poor relationship decisions. I can’t perform in an entry level job. I am overwhelmed with debt. And I miss my sister. Is there something wrong with me that I am just hardwired to mess everything up? Maybe I’m just self-destructive? Is there a mental disorder that is associated with my incompetence or am I just a failure?

First and foremost, I am sorry for the loss of your sister. It is difficult to lose a family member to suicide, especially someone with whom you were so close. It is important also that you know that your sister’s suicide is not your fault. You may feel guilty but that guilt is misplaced.

When someone is suicidal, it is a sign that they are severely suffering and likely have a serious mental illness. Most mental health professionals struggle immensely with how to appropriately deal with suicidal clients. For the layperson, knowing how to appropriately deal with a suicidal individual, even when it is a family member, is nearly impossible. Love cannot cure mental illness nor can it prevent someone from committing suicide. Family members simply do not have the education and training that is necessary to deal with the complex problem of suicide.

With regard to poor decision-making, the fact that you are aware of your problematic decisions is very insightful. Many people make poor decisions and remain completely oblivious to those mistakes.

You can’t change history but you can make better decisions in the future. No one can be free of mistakes but it is important that going forward, you recognize the importance of being correct in your thinking. To be correct in your thinking you need to think critically about every decision. Critical thinking skills can be learned.

There are two main ways to develop critical thinking skills. The first is to study the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals. Self-actualizing individuals have the ability to see reality clearly. The more accurately you can judge reality, the fewer mistakes you will make in life. It is important to make as few mistakes as possible because you will pay for all of your mistakes, financially, psychologically and so forth. Read Abraham Maslow’s work regarding the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals.

The second way to develop critical thinking skills is to enter cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy can assist you in examining your past mistakes and the associated faulty thinking process that accompanied those mistakes. Cognitive therapy can also assist you in assessing your ability to be logical and will challenge you to make the most rational decisions.

You may have made mistakes in life but you can positively affect your future by learning critical thinking skills. You asked about whether or not you have a mental illness. Though I cannot know with certainty, I do not believe that you are mentally ill. It is most likely the case that you made decisions without utilizing the proper critical thinking skills. The good news is that these skills can be learned through research or by entering therapy. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Don’t I Have Real Feelings in Relationships?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 19 and have been experiencing strange emotions this past year. The deep connections I felt with friends are suddenly forced and it is almost painful to be around people. I have also had strange spells of depersonalization. My ex boyfriend died a couple years ago which led me into a spell of depression and I don’t know if I ever made it out or if I’m just used to it. I’m constantly annoyed and tired and prefer to be alone most of the time. Yet I told my best friend what has been going on and she had no clue, she said I’ve been normal but maybe a bit distant, but the differences I see/feel are blaring. I also have short bursts of rage for really no reason. My relationships are what really make me question my growing issues. To sum it up, I go for the guys who can’t be tied down and have emotional issues usually sociopathic tendencies, I hate it but no one else interests me. This is what concerns me most, I don’t think I really have feelings. I feel like I just talk myself into being “in love” with them just to prove that I could get them. In the end, all I really want to do is win them. I don’t miss them when we break up, I just can’t fathom the thought of someone else taking my spot. I go insane with texting and calling when something goes wrong and can’t control myself. I show up at their house unannounced and the next day think “was that even me, I’d never do that”. I also feel like I can’t emotionally connect with anyone and I think it’s because they sense some thing is off about me. I constantly want to fight with them and pull them back when I think they are going to leave, I am always the one who gets left but it’s almost like I ask for it. If I even date someone I feel like it’s always going to end in them prying me off of them or either marriage. I get so into one person that no matter what I will try to make it work but ruin it as well. I’ve gone to a therapist but couldn’t say this all I just said I had anxiety. Please tell me what this could be or what I should do.

Thank you for being so brave to explain all the statistical reactions. I admire your honesty. I think it may be two things that are happening simultaneously.

I would begin by looking at the unfinished grief from your boyfriend’s death. I think working through that in therapy would be good. Additionally, the fact that you preselect partners that can’t commit and then wobble back-and-forth when the relationship fails suggests that you may want to explore this pattern of attachment in therapy as well. While I believe grieving plays a big part I think this other dynamic maybe be very important in understanding why you feel the way you do. I would encourage you to bring these two points: the unresolved grief and your attachment process into therapy. Since your profile showed you are at a university means you have access through the counseling center to highly qualified counselors. They are usually very proficient in helping people sort through these types of issues, and I think talking to them about this will help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Abortion Changed Our Lives… What Now?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Back in April my live-in girlfriend of over 2 years and I went through with an abortion. Consequently, we drifted apart until the beginning of September, when she said she couldn’t do it anymore. The whole summer we were pretty much doing our own thing, trying haphazardly to cope with what happened.  I sank into a deep depression without even realizing it. I would numb my senses with alcohol and gambling on the daily. I didn’t tell a soul about anything. I didn’t care about anything – not even myself. I hated myself for a very long time. I sank deeper and deeper until she told me she was done sinking with me, that I’d never change. That was my breaking point. I opened up to a couple of people about what happened. I stopped the drinking and gambling and began to realize the gravity of the situation I had put myself in. I worked on myself for my own sake because I realized I had lost everything.

Her and I have had some contact since then. At first, I begged and pleaded with her to take me back to no avail. After that, we didn’t speak for a week or so until she contacted me and we started hanging out as friends. It seemed she was beginning to come around until she abruptly blocked my number. After a week, she calls me to talk which brings us to now. I still love the girl to death and she still loves me. The problem is that she doesn’t trust me. I let her down. I couldn’t be strong during that time. I had nearly 5 months to get my act together but when I finally decided to do so was when she finally decided I would never do so.

She’s still coping with what happened and she’s definitely not herself. She hasn’t broken the pattern of drugs and alcohol that she also fell into after what happened. I still see her mother regularly and she wants us back together too but she’s even being standoffish with her. Her mother told me she’s thinking about sending her to stay with out-of-state relatives for a while to get away from her current environment. At this point, I’m very worried about the girl. She’s not working or going to school. She needs to wake up and get her head right. (age 21, from US)

I’m sorry that you are both going through this very difficult situation. The pain is real and the only way to heal and move on is to take responsibility, feel the pain and allow yourself to grieve. It sounds like you have started this process and are getting yourself back on track. That’s great, and I hope that you continue. As you have discovered, numbing your pain with alcohol and other addictive activities does nothing to help you heal, it only prolongs (and usually worsens) the problem.

I mean no offense, but the pain your girlfriend is feeling may be even more severe and complicated than your own because it was her body that went through the trauma. When you speak to her, always come from a place of compassion and concern. I would suggest that you both see a grief counselor regarding what happened.  f your girlfriend is hesitant or doesn’t seem interested, it may be helpful for you to take the lead then ask her to join you. However, you must also respect her decision if she doesn’t seek help.

Things will get better with time, but there may always be a scar. Let this experience be something to learn and grow from. Give yourselves time and keep reaching out for help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Acquiring a counselor

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

The year 2009 was a very traumatic one for me and my family. I started school in September and I was working very well. Early October I started to get depressed, and I was not coping with the work. I was very open about it, which helped me. I remember being in the computer room at school with my friends talking about wanting to die and my having no direction educationally. I had a very bad headache that day and I was jittery and conveyed the view that I wasn’t serious and was just having a bad day. That is true yet not true. Me and my friends talked about it, for some reason we are very open and tend to be able to articulate problems in a very direct conversation. *I am not like this at present, but I am generally like this as a person* In the end I went to sleep at school, skipped a class to do so and felt much better after. Skipping classes can sometimes add to my problems. I tend to pick and choose… For example, I never attend gym class or participate. I may have come into school an hour late on occasions so I can miss the morning class. However, I always make sure to find out the work I’ve missed and study. In fact, I love to learn. In classwork and homework I get A’s and A+’s but exams are a straight fail… Especially recently, I couldn’t revise because I was with my family constantly, I was required to shop, clean, be hospitable to guests and I had family staying over. In all honesty my attempt to study for my exams scored me 10 minutes of swearing in a car by my mother as she drove me home. On my birthday.

I have been depressed for many years, and also failing exams for the same amount of time. I believe I am smart, and for some reason all my endeavours are vocational and I don’t do the normal teenage things. I enjoy studying and being in the library. Probably because I can’t deal with a lot of noise and I like silence. But it’s hard. Everyone seems to be on a different level to me, they are normal. I am not. I do blame it on the depression. I am a bit of an introvert and have poor verbal communiction skills. I would like to talk to people but I can’t, maybe because whenever my mother shouted at me she would never listen or would only hear what she wanted to hear. I told her I was depressed and she has acknowledged this verbally to me, but only once. This was when she got mad at me last. I don’t talk to her or anyone because I don’t have anything good to say or anything to say that somebody can’t think for themselves. I give great advice and have been told I should be “a motivational speaker” but that’s about it.

Reasons why I am depressed vary. Sometimes it’s because nobody *teachers, family* tries to help me, or if they do they try to cheer me up, which leaves me empty because you’re trying to make everything okay on the spot. It doesn’t work like that. In early October my grandmother was brutally murdered in another country. We didn’t know until early December, I didn’t see my father for 2+ months while he did the police’s work along with other family members. They found her and they did all the work, right up to December 24th. This situation hurts me… I’ve seen what was to be seen and that does not affect me, but the sheer destruction of the situation gets me. My family is a big one and eveybody has been strained emotionally, financially and everything… And even so, only one person has truley acknowledged that this is hard for me. What I find hard is the life of my grandmother being taken, my mother telling everybody *I mean that* like it’s good to be linked to tragedy ; that my family needs counselling to this day. I had to leave the country right after I was given some stupid swine flu pill from the government, technically speaking, and it nearly killed me. I ended up missing almost a month, maybe just 2 and a bit weeks, of school. When I came back I felt ‘out of the loop’. So I skipped my math class to do some other work, I didn’t want to go because I knew I wouldn’t learn anything. Also, I was upset that my homeroom teacher told the class that my grandmother ‘died’ *she did this when I was late, in other words behind my back*. When to me it was much more than that! Some teachers and pupils didn’t know, including my math teacher and people were asking me how my holiday was. Really??

The math teacher told me to go and see her, I did, she asked me why I missed my class etc etc then a lady came in who I’d never seen before. They started talking to me about school and where I’d been schooled before and my math teacher informed the lady about me cutting her class. In my defence I said I had work to do, I know it wasn’t called for but I hadn’t been in school for a while. My math teacher agreed that I hadn’t been at school and she said she would look into it. This was the first time I realised not everyone knew, I didn’t want people to know initially but it just goes to show that the people who needed to know didn’t and the people who didn’t did.

Apparently I had told my math teacher that I needed help with organising my papers so the lady then told me to go and see her in the next period. I did. My math teacher met the lady by the door of her office and passed her a note. My math teacher looked at me either sad or disappointed. So I could tell she had found out about my loss. During the organising session she asked me questions which I half answered and she asked me one particular one that got on my nerves, “so do you have family in another country that you go and visit often?” I immediately said “no” and she backed off. I asked where the bin was, and she answered me with curiosity and as I went to the bin she covered the note with her hand. So I knew the content of the note was based on my grandmother. I was upset. I hate my business being circulated as it is.

Also, the fact I don’t remember telling my teacher I need help with organisation brought to my attention that my memory is going. I often don’t remember what I’ve done, some experiences, what I’ve said, other peoples reactions, things I recently learnt. I need help. Teachers don’t help me which is fine because they are not counsellors, but I can’t take it. I don’t even think I can verbally tell someone, a counsellor what’s wrong. But I can’t move forward unless I get help. I’m depressed, I have mood swings, I no longer get angry which is worrying to me because it shows I have no emotion left, I talk to myself about a bad situation rather than the person I want to say it to, I constantly need isolation, I have no trust in anyone, I can’t talk, I cant say what’s wrong…

I just want someone to talk to, that will help me. I really dislike school but love to learn, I can’t deal with noises, I am anaemic which is getting on my nerves, I am always tired, once I slept for 20 hours. I just want to succeed in life. I know what I want but I get so low sometimes. I fear my family members death sometimes, and I invision it and how I would feel. So I constantly feel that I have to be nice. Which I don’t have a problem with but it’s just………………..

I don’t want to harm myself, I want to stay alive, I want to stay true to myself and succeed. But to find a counsellor I have no approach and I need confidentiality, I dont want anyone to even know I’m going… I hope you understand what I’ve written, I have a hard time explaining things.

What a hard, hard year you and your family had. You explained things just fine. It makes sense to me that you are feeling down and overwhelmed. The events of the past year would be overwhelming for everyone. I have to wonder if your parents may be having as tough a time as you are. They too suffered a shocking loss. They too are dealing with what it means to bridge two cultures. They too didn’t have each other’s support since your father had to be away to work with the police. It just could be that your mother isn’t able to help you because she is too stressed herself. It sounds like your teachers tried to help you but did it so awkwardly that their help wasn’t helpful. Whatever good reasons there may be that the adults around you couldn’t help, it has left you feeling alone and scared.

Your letter shows you to be intelligent and sensitive. I think you may be grieving your grandmother and the family that you used to have even more than you think you are. Grief makes people do many things that may seem unusual. In your case, you withdraw from other people and even from yourself. You feel you can’t trust anyone. You are disorganized and have trouble with memory. And you get scared that other members of your family will die. On top of all that, you also report that you are anemic and that you get headaches. It may be that medical issues are contributing to your depressed feelings. It makes sense to me that you are depressed and immobilized.

I’m very glad you found the library and books as retreats from a world that at times feels very painful. The library is your sanctuary where there are no demands and plenty of interesting things to distract you from a daily life that seems much too hard. It has given you a much-needed rest. As helpful as that may be, though, you also need to take more charge of your life if things are to improve.

I encourage you to follow your own good instincts. Find a counselor to help you, preferably one who understands cross-cultural issues. Yes, it’s hard to find just the right person but please believe me: It’s worth the effort. You should see your doctor for the medical problems anyway. While you are there, ask your doctor for some names of counselors. Take your letter with you to your first appointment. It is an articulate and thoughtful description of your problems. Sharing it will help you get started. Finally, please understand that counselors do respect confidentiality. What you and your counselor talk about is strictly between the two of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Problems with My Family

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I am one of four sisters and have four brothers. We are a total of eight siblings. My father past away almost six years ago and so did my grandmother from my mother’s side. My mother was left to care for us all. She has never responsible to pay the bills in the house her responsibility was cook, clean and take care of her children. She has diabetes. After my father past away it has been horrible. Since my mother doesn’t work she received benefits for the 3 younger children. Social security and disability she also received Medicaid, food stamps and Section 8 Housing. She now lives with my four younger siblings. Without this help I don’t know where my mother would be. She has always struggled paying her bills on time and having enough food in the house. Me and my oldest sister are renting an apartment therefore we are not living there anymore. My oldest sister and I have helped her with everything talking to her, giving her advice; also financially we have helped her. My mother allows my little brother to miss school he hasn’t gone in like two weeks or more and he’s only in sixth grade. He doesn’t like to go and has had problems with bullying. I am afraid something bad may happen. Also my little sister that is eighteen dropped out at the age of sixteen and is now working part time. The seventeen year old is doing really bad in school with bad grades. Me and my older sister have given her a lot of advice and have tried helping everyone but it’s only so much we can do. My oldest sister and I are now working full time and currently attending college. I don’t want my family separated. I really want to help her but I have exhausted all my efforts. My sister and I have tried asking her to give us the checks she received so we can manage all her bills but she does not want to. No one else in the family wants to help. My two oldest brothers have their families and they are low income as well. My mother has an inspection coming up soon and it doesn’t seem like she’s taking it seriously. If she doesn’t pass this second time she is in jeopardy in losing the house. Please help me.

I’m sorry that you are faced with these problems. There are no easy solutions. As you noted on several occasions in your letter, there’s only so much that you can do. You cannot force your mother to be more responsible. You can’t change who she is. You also can’t force someone to do things that they refuse to do. Unfortunately, your mother’s unwillingness to change may lead to her losing the house and putting other family members in jeopardy. It is also possible that children and youth services will intervene in the case of your brother not attending school. The reality is that your power to effect change in this situation is limited.

You are doing all that you can do. The idea that you are doing everything within your power and yet problems still arise is a very helpless feeling but that is the reality of the situation.

Despite your very difficult upbringing, you managed to move out of your home and begin college. This is evidence of your resiliency.

I hope that your family situation improves but the reality is it might not. It’s important that you brace for this very real possibility. It’s never easy to be faced with these types of situations. It’s akin to watching a car wreck in slow motion. It’s unbearable to watch, especially when you realize that no matter how much you want to help your loved ones, there’s little or nothing you can do. For those reasons, I would encourage you to begin counseling. Counseling could assist you in determining your role in the family. It could also provide much-needed emotional support. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

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Grieving boy is angry.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife passed away last July of 07 and I married very young and my step son who I’m the legal guardian of is having anger issues and will not talk to me about them. he just says that everythings fine, he plays ice hockey here locally and has been in a couple of situations that he has just punched someone in the head, he is only 11 and this is how his older brother reacted when his grandfather passed and started using substances that are illegal, I want to know how I can keep my son from going down the same path or a simular one. His schooling has suffered and I have people who are helping both of us to get through this situation and helping him with his school work but is just telling everyone who asks him if he needs help that he understands what he is doing and then the phone call comes from his teacher, prior to this he was a straight A student in school and very respectful now he is getting to the point where sometimes he is very disrespectful not just to me but to some teachers and students and team mates.

I’m very, very sorry for your loss. Like any parent who has lost a spouse, you are having to deal with your own grief as well as your sons’. It’s very hard. I hope you are finding quiet moments for yourself in the midst of your concern for the boys.

There is no good time to lose a mother but the preteen and early teen years may be the hardest. Just when he was starting to do the normal pulling away from his mom, his mom pulled as far away as a person can go. He feels betrayed and angry. To his way of thinking, she’s supposed to be there for him to come back to. He may be feeling guilty for all the very normal times he pushed her away. He’s probably asking “why?” Underneath all the anger, he is probably feeling very sad and lost and vulnerable — all the things that an emerging teen doesn’t want to feel. So he acts up instead. If that weren’t enough, his role model for how a teenaged boy handles grief is his big brother who wasn’t able to handle it either.

Ironically, the older son may be your best resource. If he has come out of his drug period and matured, he may be able to help his little brother by sharing what he learned and how he wished he handled it differently. It’s worth a try.

I web-searched “grief counseling, your city and state” and found quite a few support groups, workshops, and family therapists who specialize in helping parents and teens work through grief. Friends and family can love you. Teachers can do their best to give your son some slack. A counselor who has been through this with many, many families can add some practical advice for reaching the boy. If he won’t go, go yourself. It’s important to respond to him now, before he has transformed himself into such a “bad boy” that it’s a huge struggle to find his way out again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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