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Afraid to drive after accident

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 6th, 2020
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Okay well I’m 17 and I was in a car accident with my best friend and well it wasn’t my fault, this woman didn’t stop at a stop sign and she hit us, I had a concussion and my friend was okay but basically we were both fine, nothing serious but the other woman, she died. I feel really bad, but now I can’t drive, I’m just too scared to! My parents don’t understand that i literally cannot drive a car, is this normal? I don’t understand…im so frustrated because I need to drive, how am i suppose to get to school and work? How can i overcome this stupid fear so i can get on with my life?

thank you!

Of course it’s normal! Before the accident, the dangers in driving were an abstraction. Now you know from your own experience how fragile life truly is and how much we depend on others following the rules to keep us safe. Your fear isn’t “stupid.” You’ve temporarily lost your ability to shut off the awareness of dangers — something we all have to do to get into a car or plane or train without freaking out.

Further, I imagine you are sad for the woman and her family and may even feel what is called “survivor guilt.” As much as you are relieved that you and your friend are okay; as much as you acknowledge that the woman was at fault; you still may feel that it’s unfair that you should live and she would die. That’s also a normal dimension to a close call like you had.

The first thing to do is to give yourself time. You didn’t tell me how long ago the accident happened. But if we’re talking only weeks or a month, give yourself a break. Take time out from driving to give yourself time to fully recover.

Then put yourself quite literally in the driver’s seat. Just get in a car and sit there. Don’t start the engine. Just sit in the car and slow your breathing down. You may have to do this several times before you feel comfortable. The next step is to start the engine. If that panics you, again just stay put and calm yourself. Do this as many times as you need to. Next, just drive up and down the driveway. Etc. Take each step slowly. Calm yourself. Do it until you are comfortable. There’s no rush. Take it step by step until you are driving to work and school. Over time, you’ll be fine – with one important difference. You will probably be a much more alert and careful driver.

If you aren’t successsful after a week or two, you may need the assistance of a coach. Talk to a therapist who specializes in anxiety and trauma. The therapist can tailor the program more specifically to your needs and can provide you with needed support.

You’ve had quite a traumatic experience. With time and some coaching, though, you can get through this so that you can get on with your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Sleep deprived, not bipolar

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was 7 my mom died of lung cancer,she was 43. Now I’m 13 and my dad has a girl friend and she moved in and my dad barely talks to me anymore. So I feel so lonely so I think that’s where it all started. I ALWAYS feel sad and hopeless. I have no changes in weight which is good. My sleeping patterns change during the school year I don’t go to bed till at least 3:00 am and I wake up at 6. Then the next night it’s the opposite. I think about death but I don’t consider it because I’m way to scared and my best friend keeps me alive. But yet at other times I feel happy and have a high self esteem. I also sometimes have good energy and not that tired. My speech is okay like sometimes I can’t talk right. I’ve had one breakdown in January. My stress levels are very high and I do have some anxiety but not that bad. I always think something is my fault and I always think that people are talking about me and really aren’t my friend. I also tried cutting and starving myself but I chickened out. I have back pains when nothings causing it and I sometimes get headaches too for no reason. My aunt is bipolar so I’m wondering if I can also be/get bipolar sometime in my life. I have high fatigue and some irritability.Sometimes I can get angry and people don’t know what I’m angry about and sometimes I don’t either. I also go to therapy and I’m not on any form of medicine. So please help me. Thanks.

I’m very sorry you’re having such a hard time. I hope you are talking honestly with your therapist about what you’ve written here. We therapists wish we were mind-readers but we’re not. If people don’t tell us their thoughts and feelings, there isn’t much we can do except guess. With most appointments lasting less than an hour, we’d like to get right down to business and use the time well. It’s up to you to bring up important issues right away.

My guess is that you are still grieving your mom. Your dad is moving on before you are ready to. You feel like you’re losing him too. He’s caught up in a new relationship and is probably unaware that you are feeling left out of his life. If that weren’t enough, you are at an age when your body is adjusting to becoming an adult. It’s normal to feel moody and to have ups and downs but that doesn’t make it any easier.

My biggest concern, though, is your sleep patterns. Of course you have fatigue. Of course you are irritable. You absolutely need 8 – 10 hours sleep a night to be physically and mentally healthy. There is a reason for your headaches. It’s lack of enough sleep. It’s also possible that the “breakdown” was related to sleep deprivation. Same thing with the anxiety and moodiness and speech problems. I very much doubt that you have bipolar illness. I’d at least want to rule out all these other sleep-related issues before considering it.

Please talk to your therapist about ways to get your sleep cycles back where they should be. It’s obvious that you are intelligent and know how to research things on the Internet. Look into sleep disorders and how they are treated and you may also be able to help yourself.

I don’t know enough to comment on whether you need medicine (although I doubt it). But I absolutely do know that you need sleep!

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Best Friend Is Suicidal

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW October 21st, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

My best friend is suicidal and I want to know if there is anything I can do to help her. She has already told her parents but they really aren’t doing anything to stop her. I have told a teacher at our school and the counselor but all they do is recommend seeing a psychiatrist. I am really worried about her she almost always has cuts all over her body arms, legs, and stomach. Her mother has been in and out of prison even before she was born. Her mother is also in right now and has been since she was 7. In the past few years she has had a lot happen, she lost her grandmother on her dad’s side two days before Christmas in 2008. Right after that she moved from a big house to a small one and in the process lost connection with her former best friend. Many of her animals outside died and she sat with one of her cats and had to watch it die after it got attacked by a dog. This past year she had her aunt on her dad’s side die and lost a lot of her friends. She also found out that her mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder by four different psychiatrists and borderline personality disorder by one or two. We were in seventh grade this year and for most of the second semester she was labeled a whore because of how she dresses and who hangs out with. This past summer is also when the cutting started it started off pretty bad but not frequent. It then went to minor burns and small scratches and then blew up again to bad cuts and they were very frequent. At the current moment she only has scars but is thinking about cutting herself again. I would just like an idea of what I could say to her to get her not to cut anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this (and respond if you do).

First of all, your friend is lucky to have such a mature and concerned friend like you. For 13 years old, you are wise to get some advice on how to handle this serious situation. You mentioned that your friend is suicidal. Has she told you that she has plans to end her life or are you suspecting that she is suicidal because of her cutting behavior? Often intentional self-harm, or parasuicidal behavior, is a cry for help without an intention to die. The two are related but don’t necessarily go together.

Does your friend acknowledge that she needs help to address her cutting? If so, she may want to ask her parents to take her to their family doctor. Sometimes parents are more willing to take their child to get “medical” help than “mental” help. Also, have you talked to your parents or guardian about this situation and asked for their help and advice? It may be a good idea to sit down with your friend and both sets of parents and express your love and concern and see how you and your parents can support your friend.  Another possible resource is Childhelp national hotline. You can tell them about your concerns with your friend and they will identify resources in your area.

If your friend’s parents are fully aware that their daughter is cutting and in need of psychological intervention and they refuse to get their daughter the treatment she needs, then this may be a case of medical neglect requiring or your parents to report the situation to child protective services. I hope it doesn’t come to that. Thank you again for writing in to Ask the Therapist.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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I’m in a fog these days

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 7th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

The year 2011 has been incredibly stressful and full of many changes. It’s been academically rigorous since it is my junior year of college and I studied for the medical school graduate examination for months on end. I also had really tough science-based classes like Biochemistry and Physics II to cope with this past semester. My stress level was extremely high from January to May, and I thought I would be relieved at the end of the spring semester to end all of it. I did well in all my classes. I planned on taking the MCAT, then completing my med school applications, and then going out of the country to enjoy my summer. It was an awesome plan–an awesome plan that would never materialize in reality.

I was already on the edge on begin with, but May 11 was SUPPOSED to be a good day since I was supposed to take my exam that night and head back home to my parents’ house. It wasn’t that simple. I got the phone call that a close family member had committed suicide by hanging. I thought my stress level was high before. Well, it was of monstrous proportions now. This close family member was near and dear to my heart, and I could not imagine that he would ever be capable of anything like this. My heart was/is broken, I’m confused, hurt, angry, and I feel like screaming in my head half the time. It still hurts immensely, but the pain is better than it was the first days after the tragedy. But I will never understand it, because it was senseless and oh so hurtful to everyone who loved this man. He was someone I was supposed to look up to as well, and it is painful to think of the example he set for us.

Flash forward nine days, it was MCAT time for me. I took it and thought I did okay. I got my score back and I BOMBED it. I bombed it worse than any practice test by a huge margin. I was shocked, appalled, frustrated, etc. But what’s done is done, and there is no taking it back now. Though I’m upset, it’s not mindblowingly upsetting because I’d frequently questioned a career path in medicine. I would stop and think about all the negatives of the profession, and somewhere in my heart I was not okay with it. I knew the road to medicine was too long and difficult for me, but I persisted because I was so ambitious and driven that I thought it would be lazy to quit. Well, it would’ve been a lot easier if I’d listened to my heart before, than now.

On top of all this, my mom is a pain to be around these days. She acts like she’s the only one grieving the death, and she explodes on everybody, about everything, all the time. When I told her I bombed the MCAT, she flipped. She made me sound ungrateful, lazy, antisocial, and pretty much any other word you could use to call someone a bad daughter. She made me feel awful. I wonder if the stress from the suicide contributed to my lousy MCAT score. I’d be so sad if it did…but I’m already a very sad person these days. I feel depressed. My self-esteem is gone; I’m one huge big mess.

I don’t know what to do. I’m in a fog these days. I’m reeling from the suicide as well as the blow to my career plans–even though I wasn’t too passionate about them after all the stress I’ve endured on the premedical path. Since February, I’ve wanted to pursue a career in law, and I think I will do it after I get a little bit better mentally. But life just seems to be one big problem these days. I think I am suffering from depression, or lingering grief symptoms. I’m not sure which.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you are grieving. You are still working through the anger and hurt and sadness of losing someone you loved and admired. It makes absolute sense to me that you feel like you’re in a fog. It’s normal and appropriate.

Meanwhile, the unconscious is a wonderful thing. You already had doubts about your choice of career. In a way, your grief let you do what you didn’t have the courage to do on your own. You gave yourself a way out by doing badly on the test. You and I both know that you can elect to take the test again. Many people are so nervous during their first try that they don’t do very well so they spend more time studying and take try again. You could too. But your mother’s reaction tells me that it’s been tough for you to simply have a rational discussion about a change of direction. You had to blow out to get out. Okay. So now you are free to think about law. Sounds fine to me.

Your mother is a pain for the same reason you’re in a fog. People grieve differently. Some people, like your mother, take it out on others. Some people, like you, take it out on themselves. Ideally, people love and support each other through it. Since it seems your mother can’t do that, I hope there are other people in the family who can. It’s important to remember, to tell stories, to share how much someone meant to you, and to mourn. If there is no one else who knew him that you can talk to, I hope you will consider looking for a grief support group. Many hospitals offer that service. You could start by asking your doctor for suggestions.

Please give yourself time. It often takes months and years to fully metabolize a sudden and senseless death. Right now you’re still in the acute stage. That will level off. But don’t be surprised if every now and then you feel overcome by sadness for a few minutes or hours. These “grief attacks” are often set off by a smell or sound or story that reminds us of the person we lost. They are expected and normal.

I hope you give yourself the summer to relax a little and to think through what you really in your heart of hearts want to do for a profession. You are clearly intelligent and disciplined. It looks to me like you can be successful at whatever you choose. You have reason to have faith in yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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He had a baby with his ex

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 4th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 25 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. We met at work and we spend almost every day together. For the most part, our relationship is very healthy — we balance each other out very well. He brings out the character in my personality and we both help each other think critically. He makes me laugh a lot and we’re always there to support each other — he’s a great companion. We argue about once a month (the time of the month for me) over silly issues but we’re generally very good about solving them.

Ever since I started dating my boyfriend, I was always curious about why him and his ex broke up since he had many good things to say about her. About a few months into our relationship, he finally told me that he was cheated on by her. I was very upset because the night before, I had met her at a party and was very nice and civil with her — not knowing what she had done to him. I’ve learned to get over it because it was in the past however, their past seems to haunt our relationship from time to time because in the past — a few of our arguments revolved around him and her and why he was dishonest with me about her cheating on him — but we’ve both gotten past that.

One thing that always bothered me however was that I never understood their entire past. I didn’t want to ask questions about it because I was afraid to pry into my boyfriend’s past since it was irrelevant. However, not one day would go by where for some reason, I wouldn’t have a brief moment to think about him and his ex. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I always felt that he was hiding something from me about his past with his ex but I couldn’t figure out what. It was a feeling and it made me very uncomfortable.

So when we do get into heated arguments, I would say a really low comment about him and his ex — “if you don’t like how I treat you then why don’t you just get back with your ex, the one that cheated on you!” — and that would really upset him. Nothing else made him more upset than those types of comments.

During the latest argument we had, I made a similar comment and this time it did not rub him the right way at all — he knocked things over, he yelled at me and he cried. I didn’t understand why he would get so hurt every time I made those comments — I knew his weak spots and that’s why I did that.

Finally, when we both calmed down — I said sorry to him and I told him I’ll never make those comments again since I see how much it hurts him. Then when he calmed down he told me he had something to tell me…

He said that his ex in the past got pregnant and it was their baby… then I asked him did you guys get an abortion? And he said no… I was shocked… I couldn’t believe it…

Then I asked him, where is the baby now??? And he told me that she had the baby but it only survived for 3 days.

I started to cry hysterically — I didn’t know what to think.

Now, my mind is lost — I love my boyfriend very much — he’s been a great guy and I don’t want to use his past against him. Him and his gf have both been able to move on from the experience — they went through 9 months in college without no one knowing that she was even pregnant. It’s been a big secret and it still is.

I need advice because I feel really sad right now — suddenly, all the sunshine and happiness in my life just seemed to vanish — all of my excitement and everything and I don’t know why.

I told my boyfriend that I was proud of his courage to tell me because he said it killed him inside everyday that he couldn’t tell me since he was afraid of losing me. He also said that in our arguments whenever I brought up his past, he cried because he wanted me to understand that it’s not his ex he was crying about — he understood why she cheated on him — that after being 9 months pregnant and hiding it, she just wanted to enjoy college — do drugs and party hard– he knew it was a bad decision but for a young girl at that age, it was a decision she made and he finally understood and accepted what had happend to him. He’s been forgetting about the past and has learned to move on and it hurt him every time I brought it up — he just wanted me to leave it in the past. He’s gone through a lot of pain in the past and just wanted to leave it there. He no longer gets sad about it — just sad when I’m upset and I say crazy things to him.

So now, I finally have closure with their relationship — that unsettling feeling of him hiding something from me is no longer there — however, what’s replaced it are these huge knots on my chest that I can’t seem to get rid of. I keep thinking of the fact that the both of them had a baby together and that the baby’s brain didn’t fully develop — as though the baby was never alive — it just had a heart beat and reflexes but no feelings or thoughts.

I keep thinking of why they didn’t take good care of the baby while she was in the stomach. My boyfriend mentioned that by the time his ex found out she was pregnant, it was too late to get an abortion. He was frustrated that she didn’t tell him soon but he said she was afraid to get an abortion. I feel that later in the pregnancy, his ex might have not taken good care of herself on purpose so that she could stay small and discrete about not having the baby. there are so many questions I have in my head as to why did they let this happen — what were their lives like but I also think that I should leave it in the past.

How do I move on from this? How do I get rid of the thought that my boyfriend and his ex had a baby together?

Three years ago, your boyfriend and his ex were maybe 20 or 21. They made some poor decisions when they were very young and suffered a tragedy together. It’s now part of the fabric of who they are. Nothing you can do is going to change that. Your boyfriend has done his grieving for the baby and for what might have been and moved on as best he can. But as with all important griefs, when it is put in front of him, some of the intense feelings still come over him. Of course he cries. That’s normal and appropriate. It only shows that he is a good, caring man who has had a loss. You wouldn’t want him to be anything less.

Loving him means appreciating that and understanding that his past is, of course, always going to be a part of your life as well as his. If you do make a future with him and decide to have children, your pregnancy will not be his first. He will have memories of another. He will probably be extra concerned about you during your pregnancy and extra worried about whether your baby is okay. The birth of his first child with you will be inevitably colored with feelings from the loss of the other child. He will probably love the children you have together all the more because he understands as most of us don’t just how precious life is.

The problem with dating grownups is that they have lived a life before you met them. So have you. Each of us is the sum of our experiences (both good and bad), including our experiences with others. If you can’t tolerate these ideas, then you shouldn’t be with someone who has been with anyone before you. As you get older, that will become more and more of a challenge though. For that reason, I do think it would be helpful for you to think about doing a little therapy. You have what you say is a wonderful relationship with a caring man who loves you enough to put up with your really low comments and accusations when you fight. At this point, it’s your insecurities that may sink this relationship, not his past. You risk throwing away a perfectly fine relationship because you are preoccupied with things you can’t change or accept. You need to figure out what that is about and resolve it if you are ever to have a happy and relaxed relationship with any partner. I hope you agree that you owe that to yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depressed about Breakup

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 5th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think that i might be depressed. last year i started going out with this guy who i really, really liked. He would always tell me how much he liked me, and that i was ‘beautiful’ and ‘amazing’.. and i was head over heels in love with him,which was wierd because i had never been in love. afer about 6 months of being together he suddenly stopped taking interest in me, and would often forget to meet up with me when we made plans. all of a sudden he completely ignored me, i didnt even get a text from him.. i couldn’t eat and didn’t go out becasue i was soo worried he no longer liked me. After two weeks of him ignoring me, i got a text from him explainig how he just wanted to be friends and that i deserve someone much better. I cried when i first saw it, but the next few days i was fine. a few days later I went on ‘facebook’ one day and realised he has blocked me! That really hit me hard as i felt he had just completly ‘deleted’ me out of his life, and everyday since then i have cried and have not been able to be happy. this was about three months ago now, and i know i’m over him but still i cry most days and find it really hard to enjoy going out. i often just sit in my room isolating myself. i just feel generally down, and keep wondering what the point of my life is..i cry at ridiculously stupid things. Just today i burst out in tears at a disney film which wasn’t sad atall! im just so emotional. i’m scared nobody will ever love me, or want me..and i will end up being alone. it’s stupid because im still really young, i keep trying to tell myself there is plenty of opportunities for me to find sombody but deep inside i just cant accept that. I have also recetly not been eating as much, and often make myself sick after dinners. i just feel ugly and worthless. I really dont know how to describe how i’m feeling, and i feel a bit stupid and scared if im honest about posting this.. i know for a fact my mum is worried about me. i try to hide how i’m feeling but i think it’s just making it worse..i haven’t spoken to this to anyone as i’m finding it really hard. i really just want to be happy.

im really sorry this is really long, but i would really appreciate it if you could give me a brief understanding of wheather or not i’m actually ‘depressed’

Thank you very much

You might be struggling with situational depression but I can’t be sure. By this I mean that you seem to be reacting to a particular situation that has understandably caused you to grieve.

I believe the primary issue may be low self-esteem. You seemed to be happy when you and your ex were dating. As you mentioned, you were “head over heels in love” with him. The relationship was going well, in your view, until he unexpectedly ended it. It was then that you began to experience depression. When he liked you, you liked yourself. When he “deleted you” from his life, you no longer felt good about yourself. The breakup made you feel as though you were “ugly and worthless.”

If you would have had a healthy level of self-esteem, you may have had a much different reaction. An individual with a healthy sense of self-esteem may have been briefly saddened about the breakup but not devastated. A healthier reaction might have been something like this: “why would I want to be with someone who so easily “deleted” me from his life? That person is not deserving of my love. I’m glad that our relationship is over.”

Please take the time to read my answer to another individual who was having a similar reaction to a breakup. I believe that this response perfectly explains the normalcy of breakups and how they are to be expected.

Self-esteem can be developed over time. If an individual feels good about themselves, then they are essentially immune to what others think of them. They believe in their abilities. They no longer have to have to rely on the opinion of others to know if they are “good enough.”

There is always a concern when someone describes themselves as being “head over heels in love.” It could mean that someone is essentially “blind” to the many possible negative attributes about their partner and their relationship. If you were blinded by love, then you might have missed important red flags. You may overlooked certain aspects of your ex-partner’s personality or behavior that should have alarmed you.

If you continue to struggle with the breakup, then my recommendation would be to consider counseling. It would also be helpful to have a psychiatric evaluation to rule out a depression diagnosis. You may benefit from psychotherapy or antidepressant medication. Both treatments may assist you in getting through this difficult time. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My mother says she wants to die because I want to go away for graduate school

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 10th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Since highschool I have known what I want to do with my life and I have worked hard for it. My parents are cuban and pretty traditional, but my dad is not the issue. ALthough I could have gone ot an ivy league school out of highschool, my mother wanted me to stay at home and I obliged and commuted to my local university 0 which is a great school and i received a huge scholarship. I felt as though I was missing out on the college experience and when I was 20 moved on campus. This really hurt my mother and she cried nearly every day, even though I came home every thursday and did not return to school until sunday. I graduated from the honors college at my university, with numerous honors and at the top o my class. I also made it into one of the top 5 graduate schools for what I want to pursue. My mother says she wants to die. She says she never expected for her children to leave home and her dream was always to have me live at home until I got married and even then I would live nearby. She says she is hurt because she stayed home with her parents and never wanted to leave. Apart from sadness she expresses this very angrily, saying I am overambitious and am putting my own selfish pursuits in front of family. I do not understand why she can’t just be happy and proud of me and let me go like the majority of mothers who want the best for their children. I am miserable and every day there is screaming and crying because we want different things. She seems to pride herself on the fact she is “letting” me go to school and says she will suck up the pain, but that she wants to die because there is nothing left and her life did not turn out how she wanted. I have considered going to my local law school, but I will be sacrificing a lot and I know I will be miserable. In addition, she says even if i did so it would not count because I am doing it out of guilt, not because I wanted to stay with my family. I am at a loss and everyday has become a huge emotional struggle. One of us will end up hurt. What do I do?

First, congratulations on all your considerable achievements. You have every right to be proud of yourself.

You are suffering because you are caught in a generational divide. Your mother wants you to repeat the life she led, staying near her parents. You are in America where there is more emphasis on individualism. You are not going to change her. She is not going to change you. Your mother has made it clear that you can’t win so stop trying to. Although your suffering shows how much you do care about your mother’s feelings, it isn’t getting you – or her – anywhere.

There is no need for screaming and crying. Screaming and crying tells your mother that you might be coerced into doing as she wishes. Clear decisions are stated with calm certainty. Make a promise to yourself that you will stop your end of the fight. If your mother makes accusations or statements meant to provoke guilt, you can tell her you love her very much but that it’s time for you to grow up and move on. Reassure her that you will certainly want her to be part of your life in some way, especially when you marry and have children. Let her know that her blessing and her pride in you mean a great deal but that you need to look to your future, not her past. You gave her what she wanted in your choice of undergrad school. Now it’s her turn to support you in doing what you want to do for graduate work.

Your best ally in this situation should be your dad. When adult children leave home, there is often opportunity for the parents to rekindle their relationship. Your mother’s focus is still on being a mother of a young person, not on being a partner for her husband.Your dad could help a great deal if he would court her a little and tell her how much he is looking forward to having her all to himself again. Perhaps that will help her shift her attention back to where it belongs — with her husband. I suggest you talk to him adult to adult and ask for his assistance in helping your mother through this difficult transition.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Holding In Feelings: Good or Bad Idea?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 15th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend suffers from severe anxiety and depression. He sees two different doctors – one therapist, and another doctor who manages his medication and (as of recently) therapy as well. He has been on several different medications over the past few months, none of which have worked. He is/has been on medication for his depression, mood stabilizers, anxiety medication, medication to help him sleep, and antipsychotics. Anyways, he had his first therapy session with the doctor that manages his medication today, in which they discussed his his depression and anger recently caused by the murder of a family friend. From what he tells me, she advised him to “hold it in.” She said that it was hard and would be hard for awhile, but to hold it in. I was shocked. I can’t imagine what doctor would suggest a patient suffering from severe depression and anxiety hold in their feelings so that it sits like a brick in their chest and eventually becomes too much. Am I wrong, or is this completely counterproductive?

This is a difficult question to answer because I have only been provided with a small snippet of a therapy session between your boyfriend and his psychiatrist. Taken out of context it may seem like bad advice but there may have been a miscommunication. In addition, I would need to know much more about the therapy, including: what he told his psychiatrist, how he behaved in the office, in what context her statement was made, etc., to be able to provide you with a fully informed answer.

It is possible that she told him to “hold it in,” presumably referring to his emotions around the death of a friend, because she believed that his emotions would overwhelm him. Again, I’m speculating; it is difficult for me to be certain when I have only limited information. Her advice may have made sense given his emotional state and what he relayed to her in their therapy session.

“Holding in” one’s emotions may be counterproductive but it depends what the therapist meant by this. Pent-up emotions can have negative psychological effects and even physical health effects. Being able to express one’s emotions, in a healthy and safe environment, is the ideal.

There are occasions when it is too difficult to express emotions. After a tragic event, for instance, an individual may feel numb. In other words, they feel nothing at all. The person feeling numb would have difficulty expressing their emotions because, for the time being, they feel nothing.

There are also times when an individual may not be psychologically ready to openly discuss their emotions. Sometimes, “it is just too soon.” An individual may need time to fully process how they feel before sharing their feelings.

From what I understand, your boyfriend recently began treatment. It may take some time before he is able to come to terms with his emotions about the murder of a family friend. If you and he find that treatment is not effective, then it would be in his best interest to consider choosing another treatment provider.

In closing, my answer is very generalized and based on limited information. If you would like to write back and provide more details, I may be able to give you a more specific answer. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck. I am sorry for his loss. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depression in my relationship

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 27th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. About a month ago I told him I wanted to move out. I have felt like for 6 years I have spent my time and energy devoted to him and not me. He is disabled so he doesnt work, so when I get home it’s like if I don’t give him all my attention he gets upset.He is an acholoic and addictied to pain pills so he is that much worse in the evenings. If I go out with friends or when I leave for my night classes he gets all sad and upset because he says he is so lonely. He tells me he gave up all his friends for me. (Not true, his friends are drug addict’s and it was me or them)So much of the time I feel obligated to stay home and be there so he wont be lonely. We have never really been alot alike. We are 8 years apart in age. He was 28 and I was 20 when we started dating. He is a momma’s boy my parents are divorced and live 2000 miles away. I have worked since I was 15 he has worked here and there till he got disabled. I graduated from highschool and I am in college now, he never graduated high school. I love people and traveling he has social anxiety. I use to think I could help him, I thought if I loved him enough I could help him be a more outgoing, people person who wanted to quit letting the world pass him by. But what has really happened is I have because more closed up to people, instead of me rubbing off on him he rubbed off on me. I reliezed no matter how much I loved him after 6 years he was not gonna change. Then after I told him I wanted out, he asked me not too and some of his habits did start to get better, he started giving me my space and really started trying to make things better. Ok, but here comes the problem, I still dont know if I want to stay, I don’t trust that it is going to get better, it has already gotten so bad how can it? But I cant bring myself to leave I dont know what Im afraid of. I never wanted to hurt him I know he is a real fraigle person but I cant stand putting myself aside any more. I have spent nearly all my twenties trying to make this work. I am sad all the time, when I take showers my hair falls out in clumps, I dont want to go anywhere or be around anybody. I just dont know what to do. I am too scared to leave and too heartbroken to stay. I feel like I am going crazy.

I can understand why you are feeling confused. You are dealing with a complicated set of issues. Ethically, I cannot make a choice for you (i.e., whether to end the relationship) but I can provide some guidance and an objective opinion.

There are several understandable reasons why you may fear leaving this relationship. One, as you said, is that you don’t want to hurt him. You realize that ending the relationship will be very difficult for him. He will likely suffer. That guilt probably stops you from ending it.

A second reason why you may not want to leave is the fear of being alone. There is an idiom that seems appropriate here: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” What this means, in the context of relationships, is that many people would rather stay in their current situation with the known unhappiness than enter into a new lifestyle with the unknown unhappiness that it may bring. Also, for some, the thought of being alone is frightening.

Neither guilt nor having a fear of loneliness is a healthy reason to stay in a relationship.

Two other complicating factors are that he is disabled and he is addicted to drugs. You might erroneously feel guilty for ending a relationship with a person who is so disadvantaged. If so, please don’t. He may have problems but he is capable of making the changes that you have asked of him. He is a partner in the relationship and there are problems with his behavior. As you have pointed out, he could make many positive changes that would greatly enhance the quality of his life and of the relationship but he chooses not to. You have given him ample opportunity to make the necessary changes but he has not done so.

His drug addiction is another major issue in the relationship. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone addicted to drugs. There may be happy moments throughout the course of the relationship but for all practical purposes, drug addiction ruins relationships. In addition, by not addressing his drug addiction you may inadvertently be supporting it.

You seem to have made legitimate attempts to improve the relationship. But even in light of some positive changes on his part, you are still unhappy. My belief is that you know that it is over but fear and guilt are preventing you from ending the relationship. In my experience people who stay for these reasons often feel resentment toward their partner. It is not healthy for you nor is it fair to your partner.

If you continue to struggle with how to handle this situation, consider consulting a therapist. A therapist could provide informed guidance and help to clarify your thinking. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate mental health resources in your community. Please consider writing back to let me know how you are doing. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Forgetfulness, Daydreaming and Difficulty Concentrating

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 3rd, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi..I am an undergraduate student in the last year of my studies. I am an external student doign independent study. I have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil in the last few years. My fiance cheated on me with another girl which led me to depression. This year I broke out with my best friend and have intense feelings of guilt. Also since the last 2 years I was physically unwell diagnosed with unrine infections and was constantly on medicines. I always had a weak memory and needed to revise my studies frequently. But recently since 2010 I have been having severe forgetfulness isues. I just keep daydreaming all the time and sometimes I feel like my head is going to explod with the multitude of thoughts inside it. I keep forgetting my course work even after revising them so many times. I also find it very difficult to concentrate the moment i look at my book after 5 minutes i get up and start using the Internet or start calling someone. Its like I am just trying to occupy myself so i dont have to go back to work. I force my self to concentrate then my head pains so much. Sometimes I feel there is a huge basketball inside my head bouncing up and down. But i dont feel like that when i am reading a novel or simply relaxing. Since I am doing independent study I am most of the time at home.my parents wanted me to finish my education and regain my health back.I am often very lonely. I want to study but I cant concentrate my head pains and i daydream like crazy. I feel so lazy and lethargic. And often I feel depressed because of all these various thoughts that keep running in my mind. I also cant stop talking…If I dont talk I sing to myself.I feel like a volcano waiting to blow up. I also have a very short temper and snap at people. I get upset at very minor issues and end up crying which seems an outlet to my tense feelings. The only time I feel at peace is when I sleep. Do i need to visit a Psychiatrist? Or is it just me being lazy and not wanting to work? Please help me…I am desperate.

You seem to be exhibiting the signs of depression including: difficulty concentrating, inability to focus, memory problems, irritability, emotional dysregulation, and lethargy. Depression makes sense in the context of losing both your best friend and fiancé. You have endured two major life losses. Your reaction is understandable.

You have asked two questions, one of which is “are you being lazy and simply not wanting to work?” In light of your recent losses I highly doubt these explanations would be accurate. Depression seems like the more logical explanation.

Your second question is related to whether you should visit a psychiatrist. Yes, you should see a psychiatrist and a therapist. A psychiatrist can evaluate your mental health condition and determine whether psychiatric medication would be an appropriate form of treatment. A therapist could help by engaging you in talk therapy. Both could benefit you greatly.

You also mentioned that you have several ongoing medical problems. These should be evaluated by a medical doctor. Don’t neglect these problems. They may be contributing to your recent difficulties.

Receiving professional mental health treatment would be the most efficient way to deal with these issues. I’m sorry but I am not familiar with the mental health resources in your country. Hopefully there is an easy way to access these services. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Am I depressed?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 25th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am 23, and I grew up in foster care from 5-12 years of age. I was adopted and when I became too difficult for them, I was sent to my adopted father’s parent’s house. I got a job as soon as I turned 16, finally went back to public school and proceeded to do all the things teens do. I drank, I smoked weed, I snuck off, dated when I wasn’t suppose to…etc. I fell in love and found I was pregnant when I was 17. I miscarried and continued the relationship with my ex. He dumped me in the emergency room. (Sad thing is I think about him more than I do about my husband.) I felt abandoned by everyone. I became self destructive and hit my all time low, by living in my car. I went to AIT (for the Army) and ended up on border patrol. I met and married my husband within a month’s time. Our relationship was “perfect” when we were both making money and had a stable environment on border patrol. We moved back home and he started doing drugs, we fought constantly and anytime I wanted to leave, he’d remind me I had no where to go. I found out I was pregnant and things changed. He joined the Army and we have been at Fort Campbell ever since. I now have been married for almost 5 years and we have two children together. I feel trapped though. I don’t know if I really love him or not. I care for him, but there is no sparks anymore. He drinks when he is home and I am left with the kids 24/7. Deployments are worse and I currently don’t feel like cleaning, I don’t feel like cooking or even taking care of my kids whom I LOVE to pieces. I found my biological family last May and my fairytale of finding my real family was short lived. I hate my mom, I dislike my dad. I feel like I am going to end up being just like them and hurting my children. My mother and both of my brothers are bipolar, I haven’t been diagnosed. I use to see and hear things all the time and here recently I have started seeing and hearing things again. Am I depressed? Do I need to see a counselor? I don’t know what I need to do. I feel helpless and I HATE it. I feel like I am no longer my own person.

Thank you for writing about your history and your current struggle. I think it is the right thing to do to see a counselor. Since you are on the base there are services you can receive there. I would encourage you to make the appointment now. I would not wait for the stressors in your life to build up. You owe it to yourself, your husband and most of all your children to get some help. A combination of medicine and therapy will most likely help, so in addition to the counselor’s appointment you should have a physical done as well and talk to the physician about your situation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well The thing is i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional about it, but i would really prefer not to. But to sum up the last few years of whats been going on. 2 friends died by being hit by cars ( they were walking ) both at different times, my parents got a divorce in 2008 both remarried in 2009… Both divorced again in 2011.. and they are getting back together now.. I was constantyl in the middle, i was loaning my father money to pay
his bills and same for my mother. In the last 3 months i have been laid off of my job, and now i’m in threat of loosing everything i have worked for. Although i have a really crappy job offering which i’m going to take to pay the bills. Now let me explain the recent problems..

Starting about 2-3 days ago i have been getting extremely mad at my wife and children for no reason. I don’t know why.. I get to the point where i’m afraid to get near my girls i’m afraid i’ll hurt them, so instead i have them go play outside. My wife is usually at work so i’m acting as stay at home dad right now, Occasionally and including right now, it seems like i can’t get enough oxygen into my system no matter how deep i breath or how much i try. I personally love my wife and children to death, i dislike society and humanity as a whole so i don’t have friends and don’t want them ( i also have no interest in seeing a therapist although it’s probably for the best ) I do not talk to most of my family only my father and mother, and thats only becuase i have to i would prefer if they would stay out of my life..

I absolutely hate myself and constantly think of suicide. Of course i would never act on it, but it doesn’t stop me from day dreaming about it. Also at nights, almost every night i have nightmares, they are never plesent in any way. Usually my kids or wife dying. I’m not happy with my life for sure, i want much more out of my life. I’m not afraid of dying, only of being forgotten.. I want to do something to be remembered..

I know this isn’t much of a question, but i’m seeking advice, i want to make the best of myself and such for my wife and kids, so i’m considering seeing a therapist, but i think it will be a waste of time. I’m not really addicted to games and such, i mean i do play on the computer but i don’t mind getting off to play with my kids or spend time with my wife, even if i don’t want to get off i dont’ get mad about it i just do it. And through the day i’m not really on much, only at night..

The other problem is my wife is being bothered by my sleeping habits. I usually go to sleep about 10-11AM and wake at about 2-3PM about 2-3 times a month i’ll go 24-36 hours without sleep altogether, i’m not forcing myself i just don’t feel tired.. i’ve tried sleeping pills and they have done nothing. My father had prescription sleeping pills i tried and still nothing ( i know it’s wrong )

umm, other than that i’m sorta addicted to sex.. I mean i want sex every single night.. of course the wife isn’t always int he mood which is understandable. But in the past when she denied me for whatever reason, i would just cuddle with her then go watch tv or play a game, but in the last couple of days, i have gotten so mad at her i wanted to kill myself.. It almost feels like i’m being denied love. I’m honestly not sure wtf is going on.. I’m assuming depression, and maybe a bit of anxiety.. But i’m no therapist. Any way Yeah what do you think.

What I think is what you think. Follow your own good instincts. You need the support and advice of a therapist who can give you more than what we’re able to do through a letter. For starters, it sounds to me that you are still grieving your friends and your parents’ unstable relationship and that you have a serious sleep disorder (that, btw, could contribute to your depression and your episodes of rage). You may be feeling even more upset about being unemployed than you are letting yourself acknowledge. Losing a job and feeling forced to take a “crappy” one is a major hit on most adults’ self-esteem. You are wise enough not to take your feelings out on the family who loves you but you do think about taking it out on yourself — which of course would do unestimable damage to the wife and children you leave behind. I wonder if you want sex so much because it is the only way you’ve found to truly relax.

As you can see, your letter left me with more questions than answers – except one: Do see a therapist and go into the project with as much courage, openness, and honesty as you can. Your family deserves it. So do you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Schizophrenic or Obsessive Compulsive?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 4th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For as long as I can remember I have always been a shy and quiet girl, but despite that I used to hate to be left alone and would always try to be around my family and friends, tagging them along wherever they went. My mother said it was after my grandmother’s death that I had started to change. I was twelve years old, still shy and quiet; but I started to push people away, preferring to be left alone. I became less active and preferred to stay in my room all day playing video games. Then at night I would find myself unable to go to sleep and would toss and turn for hours until I eventually passed out.

I began to develop a habit of needing to keep things clean and organized. I would alphabetize my books and cds, and I would color code all of my clothing. If anything was untidy or disorganized, I would begin to feel hopeless and overwhelmed. At this point I began procrastinating, putting things off until I was in the mood to do it which sometimes never came.

Things got worse and new problems developed throughout my years in middle school and high school. It got so bad that I ended up dropping out of high school at the beginning of my senior year. I have pretty much cut all contact with my friends and whenever they would try to call me, I would ignore them, not wanting to talk to them or to go anywhere. I hardly ever left home, hardly left my room for months on end.

Now at the age of twenty I am still living at home with my parents with no job, spending my day’s safe in my room. I just feel too stressed, too depressed to do anything, even the things I once enjoyed dearly.

For awhile I caused myself harm, cutting myself, until my mother caught me with a knife under my bed. I felt so ashamed and felt like I betrayed her. So I stopped cutting myself. However I still feel as anxious and distressed as I ever have. I have had my share of suicidal thoughts but I never acted on them nor am I planning on it. For awhile I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she would always say it had to do with my menstrual cycle messing up my hormones or the seasons and weather.

Now I have become extremely paranoid and I suppose a bit delusional, and it has gotten so bad that I am afraid to go to sleep at night. I have to force myself to try and get some sleep, but it still takes me hours to fall asleep, and then when I do, I just end up waking up several times during the night. It is getting to the point where I do not even know why I bother trying.

I also have these intrusive, morbid, tormenting thoughts, most revolving around death, disasters and violence. I cannot control these thoughts nor can I make them go away. They make me feel so helpless and make want to cry my eyes out. But the truth is I have not been able to cry since… I don’t know when. I mean I could not even bring myself to cry when my closest grandfather died five years or so ago, which made me feel completely guilty.

Aside from the intrusive thoughts, I have also experienced hallucinations, such as bugs crawling all over my floors and walls, the bathroom sink being full of blood and dead rodents covering the kitchen floor. However I do not see things as much as I hear things. I hear voices a lot, sometimes they sound as if they are just in my mind, and then other times they sound as if they are right behind me or next to me, almost like someone else is there. I have such difficult time thinking and focusing on things anymore and my short term memory is well, deteriorating rather rapidly to say the least.

I just honestly do not know what to do anymore. I am anxious, nervous and paranoid all the time now, I have not had a decent night’s sleep in years and I am so depressed and I feel as though I am losing my grip on reality. My family only has enough money to just keep us going, and I do not currently have health insurance, unless my parents can spend $9,000 ($3,000 per person), but I already know we can’t. I cannot bring myself to talk about these things with my parents and I am pretty sure my father hates be because he thinks I am just lazy.

My mother seems to think I may have schizophrenia and/or possibly OCD. I have done a bit of research on these two disorders and found that a lot of the symptoms seem to fit. I also learned that people with schizophrenia can develop OCD. But of course with our severe money problems, it is not like I can go out to a therapist or doctor to have this confirmed. So what should I do, what can I do? What are my options because I cannot stand being a nuisance and disappointment to my parents anymore!

It would be irresponsible to give or confirm a diagnosis over the Internet but I do believe that I can offer some insight. Many of your symptoms match obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Many people develop OCD following the pattern in your life. They experience a traumatic event such as losing a loved one and subsequently develop the obsessive need or desire to create order in their lives. It is as though the traumatic event creates a sense of being out of control. This out-of-control feeling prompts an outward attempt to create order and control. Perhaps psychologically the loss or traumatic event frightens individuals to the point where they feel the need to gain control. Thus OCD develops.

In addition to possible OCD symptoms, you may be experiencing depression. Specific symptoms include: your desire to self-harm, short-term memory loss, difficulty sleeping, and the increasing desire to isolate. Individuals with depression tend to want to isolate. That is what you seem to have done.

In addition to the social isolation, you are not working or sleeping well. You barely leave the house. This combination of life circumstances may be contributing to your symptoms.

Of particular concern is your sleep deprivation. Severe sleep deprivation negatively impacts brain functioning. Prolonged sleep deprivation might explain your hallucinations and delusions.

Your family may not be able to afford private psychotherapy sessions because of a lack of insurance coverage but there are other options. Community mental health centers (CMHC) usually offer free or low-cost services. Check your local white or yellow pages for the phone number to your local CMHC.

Also, call the local health department to inquire what free or low-cost services may be available to you. Another idea is to enroll in a university-based study investigating OCD or depression. Often study participants have access to cutting-edge psychological treatments.

I cannot confirm or rule out a psychiatric diagnosis. It is always best to be evaluated in person, by a mental health professional to determine when a diagnosis is warranted.

Schizophrenia may be a possibility but it’s difficult to know based on a short letter. Sleep deprivation and other possible psychological and medical problems would need to be ruled out before a diagnosis of schizophrenia could be confirmed.

I hope that you consider investigating free or low-cost services in your community. Please take care. If I can answer any additional questions, please do not hesitate to write again.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My boyfriend cheated on me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 9th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I just found out that my boyfriend, who I thought I had a serious relationship with, for almost 11 months cheated on me a 1 month ago with a friend of mine from work who was also in a relationship and I knew her boyfriend. We all work together and she texted me 6 days ago what happened. Since we work together, my boyfriend and I have spent almost every day together. When we first started dating, I was applying for PA school all over the country and he knew of the possibility of me moving to another state but we continued. I was accepted to PA school in NY a few months ago and we were going back in forth about him moving with me eventually to NY. I went to NY for 4 days, 1 month ago to visit some friends and on the last night before I returned, he went out with my friend, slept with her, she left his apartment in the morning then he came to pick me up at the airport 2 hours later saying I missed you and love you!

Within the last month, I mentioned to him that I felt weird about my friend when she texted him about what we were doing instead of me…and he got upset with me for bringing it up even though they already slept together. Then 2 days after it happened, I had no idea; I invited her and her boyfriend to come to dinner. And we all went together and they acted totally normal even though they slept together 2 days before.

What confounds me the most is that over the past month, he has kept saying he loves me, he wants to make it work, he would never hurt me or cheat on me and he also told me about 2 weeks ago that he wanted to start searching for jobs in NY and eventually move up there with me. I thought he has been acting pretty normal which is why I had no idea.

The girl, my friend, texted him to tell me and she told me he really didn’t look like he wanted to let me know so she went ahead and did it. When he found out I knew he apologized in a text message, the next day we spoke, he apologized again, and I gave him back his promise ring and said I need some time and couldn’t forgive him now. He said he would fight to get my trust back.

Since then he has only texted me a couple of times one saying “he went to speak to his pastor for 3 hours and will go weekly. He set new goals and priorities in his life regaining my trust being his number 1 even if it takes the rest of his life.” But that is it, only text messages and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone that said he loved so much is not putting forth much effort to get me back or show remorse.

The hard part is I have to work with him the next 1.5 months before NY and I cry and feel so hurt when I see him. I’m not sure how to go about it or what I should do in general if he does start fighting to get me back. I guess if he keeps just texting then its obvious he’s not that into me.

Thank you for your help!

You do not have to wait to understand that he just isn’t into you. Here are the facts as you’ve related them to me:

  • He cheated on you, and wasn’t going to tell you about it.
  • He showed no signs of remorse or concern when he picked you up at the airport.
  • He put the emphasis on you to forget about it — rather than on him having to change.
  • He has told he doesn’t want to fight to gain back your trust.
  • His words don’t match his actions. He says regaining your trust is the number one priority in his life — then promptly does nothing about it.

You need someone more dedicated to you than he is. 6 weeks isn’t that long in the scheme of things. My advice is do everything you can to wrap up this phase of your life, and use the move to transition into a life with better friends, and a better boyfriend.

You may want to get a list of the books that are going to be required in your first classes in PA school and begin reading. Typically the course load is full the first semester. Why not get started on something that you know have direct value in your life. Shift your attention to your needs and goals, and begin detaching from him emotionally. There isn’t much he has to offer at this point other than his empty words without action.

When you get to the new school you can take advantage of their counseling center if you need to.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Hopeless and Clueless After Loss of Brother

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 11th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I use to be a really happy person. But my older brother was murdered in August of 2011. Since then nothing has been the same. I resorted to smoking, self harm, and I’m scared I’m going to hurt myself really bad. I feel like no one understand and that i can’t go to my dad or mom. my dad has turned into an alcoholic since my brother passed. and my mom just doesn’t understand. I’ve lost so many friends since then, just because I’m not happy. my mom tells me ‘to go back to being the happy Cassidy you use to be’. but it’s not that easy, and she should know that. I’ve been to several counselors, but they doesn’t help either. The friends i do have are amazing, but I’m scared I’m going to drive them away by talking about my feelings. I have two older brothers and they won’t talk to me, they’ve completely neglected me and act like I’m not even their sister. I sleep all the time. 3 hour naps have turned into 6 hour naps. I can’t help but feel this complete emptiness inside of me. It’s the worse feelings I’ve ever had. I can ignore it for a couple days but then it’s right back and I’m mean to the people I love. I want to ask my mom for anti-depressants. I just don’t know what to do. I’m clueless and hopeless.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. The loss of your brother is a tragedy. No one ever “gets over” the loss of a loved one but the pain will diminish over time. I know that now it may seem incomprehensible but it’s only been a short time since your loss.

You are considering antidepressants. I think that may be a good idea. Medication may not take away all of your pain but it can decrease the intensity of your emotions. At this time, this may be what is needed. Explore the possibility of antidepressants with a physician, if you haven’t done so already.

You should also consider support groups for individuals who have lost a family member to a violent crime. Many communities have these types of support groups. In my hometown, for example, there is a Center for Victims of Violent Crime. They help victims and their families cope with the aftermath of a violent crime. Their work is amazing. They provide free counseling, education, advocacy, outreach, support groups, and much more. Maybe your community has a similar resource.

Another great resource is The Compassionate Friends. They provide peer-to-peer support for parents and families who have lost a loved one.

In addition, I would also recommend thinking of a way to honor your brother. Many people find this experience to be very therapeutic. The work of John Walsh is one such example. His only child was abducted and murdered. Out of his pain came the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) and the television show “America’s Most Wanted.” America’s Most Wanted has assisted in the apprehension of over 1,500 fugitives and has reunited 50 missing children with their parents.

You don’t have to pass a law or develop a television show to honor your brother. There are many ways to pay your respects including writing a poem or a story about his life. Those are a few examples and there are many others.

In the face of tragedy your response has been to reach out for help. That is a great start. I am very encouraged by this and I would urge you to keep trying. Try different therapists. You have not found one you like yet but it is very possible that you will, if you remain persistent. Finding the right therapist can make a huge positive difference in helping you to heal.

If you have any additional questions please do not hesitate to write back. Please take care. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Bad Is It For A Grown Woman To Move Home?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW September 11th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I recently got laid off, and right now my rent is almost due.  My brother thinks that if I can’t find a job I should move home, actually scratch that, he thinks I should be home even if I have a job. My mom passed away a month ago, and he’s afraid that my father doesn’t want to be alone.  Regardless of the fact that my dad says that he wants his space now, my brother can’t seem to get that.  Also I told him that if I have a job, and can pay my own way, what difference does it make where I live?  He said that I should be at home to save money.  He thinks it will be permanent, and my Dad and I say temporary. I don’t understand that since I am 41, my brother should have no say in what I do and don’t do with my money, but when I try to tell him, he gets all mad at me and says that I am selfish.  I don’t understand why he is doing this to me, he says it will be better for both me and my father, but I disagree, my father yes, but not me.  How do I make him understand that what I do with my finances is my business and as long as I don’t get help from anyone he has no say in it.

I am sorry about your job loss and the death of your mother last month. That is a lot of transitions in a short period of time. It sounds like you are very clear that you don’t want to move home, if at all possible. So my question for you is why do you care so much about pleasing your brother? You are 41 years old and the great thing about being an adult is that you don’t have to have discussions that you don’t want to have, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  You can’t make your brother understand your point of view, but you can show him that your finances are not his business by not discussing it with him, and by letting go of trying to gain his approval. What are you afraid of if your brother is mad at you or thinks that you are selfish right now?

It sounds to me that he’s less worried about your money issues and more worried about your dad who now lives alone and just lost his companion. Having you move home may be an easy way to alleviate his worries about your father living alone because it makes sense logically to him. “You’re unemployed so why don’t you move home to save money and take care of dad?” seems to be his message to you. You are both talking about the topics instead of the emotions that go along with the death of a parent and concern about the parent who’s left behind.

I suggest that instead of trying to get his approval or convince him that it’s not good for you to move in with dad, you cut right to the core issue which seems to be exploring together how the two of you are going to work together to help dad through his grief and loneliness, and to make sure that he is safe and taken care of, and how you can support each other at this time of loss.

Take good care of you and yours.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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My mother never recovered from divorce

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 11th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My parents got divorced in 2004. My mother has never recovered, she has severe mood swings, i think she may be bipolar.
When I was six years old in 1998, my father moved our family to Germany because he was in the army. I had an amazing childhood. When I was twelve in 2004, my father had to go to Iraq. My mother thought it would be best if she moved my brother and I back to the U.S., where we would have family support. I was very depressed because my dad was my hero and I blamed my mom for everything that went wrong. I felt like no one understood me, mostly because we live in a very remote and rural part of the state. When my dad came back, he wanted a divorce from my mother. A few years earlier, my mother had to have surgery on her hip. my dad left her in the hospital and met a woman at a bar. They hooked up and my mom was devestated. But he promised he’d never do it again.

Well as it turns out, he was divorcing my mother for that same woman who had kept in contact with him throughout the years. My mom, even then, wanted him and would have taken him back. She was so depressed. She wouldn’t get out of her bed for days, all she did was eat. She is currently over 270 and she would be so beautiful if she could lose weight. We have moved to several states just trying to escape our problems. I’m getting ready to go to college and I got a scholarship to pay for my tuition but not my room and board so my mom said she’d move there with me. But for the past few years, she has literally acted fine one second and crazy the next. She gets mad over the tiniest things and then she blames my brother and I for making her feel worthless and miserable. Then the next morning she’ll say she’s sorry and she loves us soooo much. It it tearing my little brother to peices and I am so nervous sometimes that I can’t sit still.

I’ve tried to tell her that she needs some therapy and she just blows up. She’ll say ” Your just like your dad and you make me miserable, I know you hate me, I’m sorry I bend over backwards for you to have a good life, Etc…” She’s recently started calling me a b–, and I asked her why she would do that? She says she says it because that’s how I act? I am grouchy sometimes, I’m not perfect, no one is but I am so extremely stressed. My little brother is constantly getting stomach ulcers from stress. It’s making all of us physically ill. What should I do?
Thank you so much for you time!!!

I’m very, very sorry you and your family are going through such a hard time. I’m very glad you wrote. You are carrying far too heavy a load for a high school student. I can tell that you are very worried about your brother’s welfare as well as your own and your mom’s. You were right to ask for some help.

It sounds to me like your mother’s behavior may well be because she has been unable to fully grieve her marriage and move on. She is stuck in anger, sadness, and bitterness. Terrified that she is somehow at fault, she looks for someone else to blame. Then she comes to her senses and apologizes. I’m sure she does love you and your brother. But her distress is bigger than even her love for you. That gives us some idea of how big her pain is.

You mentioned that your family moved back to the states so you could have family support. Now is the time to ask for some. Do your relatives know how bad it is? Is there someone who can take on caring for your mother and brother so you can go off to college without them (and without feeling guilty)? Do relatives have other ways to provide you all with some practical and emotional assistance?

If you don’t have relatives you can confide in, I encourage you to enlist the help of your school counselor or some other adult you trust. You all could use some family therapy to help get the family back into balance. Your mother needs help. You and your brother shouldn’t be trying to hold the family together on your own. You all need support as you learn how to function as a family of 3. If your mom won’t go, do go yourself. A therapist will help you find resources for your family and will help you figure out what to do next. Look into whether you are covered by insurance. If not, ask your doctor or school counselor to help you find a free mental health clinic or program for teens.

In the meantime: If things get really tough and you need someone to talk to, the counselors at the Boys and Girls Town Hotline are available 24/7. The service is free. Their number is: 800-448-3000. Here’s the website.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I married a stranger

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 20th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband and I have been married for over a year now. While we were dating, I thought that he displayed traits of honor, loyalty, integrity, honesty, and kind-heartedness, as well as characteristics of a hard worker, and an overall well-rounded individual. Two months from now, I will have known him for five solid years (for all of which we were a couple).

Just months before we got married, he was working for his father and was fired because they thought he was selling store property and pocketing the money. I thought his explanation was honest and up-front, and came shortly after the incident occurred. He said he’d been under a huge amount of stress because we’d just purchased a home, and he wanted to be sure we could afford the first payment. He also said that his intention was always to tell his dad (in an effort to gain permission) and repay the money, but it slipped his mind and before he could find the words to explain all of this to his dad, he got caught. I believed him and tried my best to be supportive, though at times, I know I probably displayed some frustration about the whole thing. His cousin also felt bad for him and gave him a decent job making even more money.

Later on, he was accused by his childhood best friend of attempting to cheat on me with his best friend’s girlfriend. I was taken back by the whole accusation when I first heard it (a week before our wedding day) but refused to believe such a seemingly outlandish story. While we were dating, I caught that he’d lied about texting a friend that was a girl, but I didn’t think anything of it because I’d told him it was ok to have female friends, and because he so willingly admitted to his lie and said he was very sorry and would never tell me a lie again.

A few months after we’d been married, he attempted to have an affair that I accidently discovered (much to my horror,) and I’ve had trust issues ever since. It doesn’t help that about a week ago, he was involved in other questionable activity of a different nature that breaks all boundaries of basic human ethics and morality, and he lied about that, too. After he finally made a confession, I urged him confess to his boss and asked him to sleep on the couch until I have time to figure things out, and he has done both.

Ugh.. What do I do? I love him, or at least I love whoever I think he is, and we have all these memories, and a scrapbook. His nieces and nephews call me “Aunt Megan” and I am very close to a bunch of his family members. They are a part of a rare and primitive religious group that does not condone marriage outside of their community (like mine; I am not a member, and my husband was expelled) and they also do not condone divorce. Also, I live in a very small town, and everyone knows me, my parents, and all four of my grandparents. If I get a divorce, especially at my age, I might-as-well walk around town with a giant “D” on my shirt. Besides that, my parents are so proud of me and I they think I really made a good choice marrying him. I just don’t want to let my momma and daddy down, but I feel so trapped. PLEASE HELP!!!! I am so desperate

When does a liar tell the truth? I’m so, so sorry that your husband has so disrespected you and it seems everyone else who has trusted him. He has gotten away with it too many times. From what you told me, I don’t see an indication that he is at all interested in changing. From his point of view, the only problem is that he keeps getting caught.

I can’t tell you what to do on the basis of a letter. I can tell you that my opinion is that you should take a big step back and consder cutting your losses. At only age 23, you have a long life ahead. I think you’ve been betrayed enough.

As for the relatives: You didn’t mind what your husband’s family thought about your marriage. Why be so concerned about what they’ll think about a divorce? If they have come to love you, I hope they will recognize that your only flaw is that you believed in your husband as much as various members of his family did. You, his dad, and his best friend are all in the same boat. As for your own family, it’s time to sit down with your parents and to explain all that has gone on. Admit that you were so caught up in the romanace that you didn’t pay attention to the red flags before you married. There’s no crime in having given the person you loved the benefit of the doubt. But at this point, there are just too many indications that he is a good con artist and that life with him is going to mean more of the same. Ask for their support and love in making the difficult decision to leave him. Ask them to help your grandparents also understand. The people who love you won’t want you to live in a situation where you can’t trust your husband.

If a divorce is what you decide to do and it feels unbearable to live in town, there are at least two ways to deal. One is to hold your head high. You are not at fault for having been conned. You are the victim here. The other possibility is to go elsewhere for awhile and make a new life for yourself. In less than a year, you’ll be a college grad. You could consider grad school or you could look for a job in a new place. Why not use these next few years to go out into the world, to leave bad memories behind, and to grow in new ways?

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you’ll give yourself time to grieve. This isn’t at all what you had in mind when you married. You are not only losing the man you thought you had, but you are losing the future you had planned. That’s huge. I hope you have good friends and family members who will understand that and who will be supportive.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Can I Recover From My Husband’s Psychosis?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 26th, 2020
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know how to recover from my husband’s psychosis. My husband was psychotic for about a year. It began shortly before our marriage (I attributed his behavior to stress – he owned a business that has since failed) and continued through the birth of our child. The psychotic episode was almost certainly spurred by his use/abuse of prescribed amphetamines (70m Vyvanse a day, 20m Adderal “as needed”) but the psychosis persisted for several months after he stopped the meds.

In addition to his business failing, I lost my job due to frequent absences attributable to his psychotic episodes, and insurred substantial debt. I may lose my house as I’ve had to relocate for work and may not be able to rent my home. He verbally abused all of my closest friends, whose friendships I subsequently lost, and even assaulted me one night, for which I had him incarcerated.
He is substantially recovered now (no voices, the paranoia’s dropped, less referential ideation) but I find his behavior odd, and it angers me. Actually, it enrages me. He worships me, but I am not sure if it is because I am his lifeline (his mother’s very selfish) or if he genuinely loves me. It doesn’t matter, anyway, because I am repulsed by him. I would say that I hate him except that I feel too sorry for him to hate him.

Should I even try to repair this situation? If so, how? Is bailing on him unfair? Sometimes when I think of all he has cost me I feel like I am going to fly into a thousand pieces I become so angry.
How do I recover from my husband’s psychotic episode?

What happened to your husband was an accident, just like a car accident. He was taking prescribed psychiatric medications under the direction of a physician and he became psychotic. He did not purposely become psychotic. The damage caused by his psychosis has been extreme in your life and his but that was never his intention. It seemed his intention was to try and receive help. The outcome was not within his control.

When someone is in a physical accident they suffer from the consequences of the accident and the family also suffers. It is not unusual for someone to feel the way that you do. Commonly mental illness is viewed in a different light than physical illness. This may be because physical illnesses are seen as not being within one’s control. Mental illness, on the other hand, is often perceived as being controllable.

Here is a very common scenario: An individual reveals to his or her family that he or she is depressed. The family responds: “get over it, “just snap out of it,” “it’s just a phase” or “you are just looking for attention.” There’s often no support. The implication is that the family believes that mental illness is controllable; after all, their suggestions are for the individual to take control. Alternatively, if a family member revealed that he or she was just diagnosed with cancer or had their hand cut off in an accident, in most cases the family would respond with sympathy and empathy.

It is important to keep in mind that one does not choose to be mentally ill. It is not appropriate to be angry at someone for being mentally ill. An individual has no control over the development of mental illness.

Among individuals with schizophrenia, for instance, part of their illness causes them not to be able to recognize that they’re ill and subsequently many don’t take their medication. Family members become very angry that their loved one doesn’t recognize their illness and refuses their medication. The reality is that the illness robs many individuals with schizophrenia of their ability to realize that they’re ill. Anger in these situations is perfectly understandable but it’s misplaced because no one chooses to be mentally ill.

You say that your husband has changed. He is also improving. It may be simply a matter of time before he returns to the man that you married. What happened to him was tragic for him and also you. You are both victims of his illness.

You married him for some reason. There was something that you loved about him. He has changed; people often do so in a relationship. When your partner is no longer the person that you married, many people reevaluate their relationship and some choose divorce. Your husband has changed because of his mental illness. He is no longer the man that you married. He may return to the person that you married but he may never again be the same. Marriage is a commitment. Some believe that is a lifelong commitment. Some believe that the commitment extends beyond this life and into eternity. Others believe that marriage should only continue until you become dissatisfied and they fully see divorce as a part of life. Divorce is a moral decision. Each of us must make that decision.

Before considering any major changes to the relationship I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling. Therapy can help you navigate your situation and also assist you in dealing with your intense feelings of anger. Click on the find help tap at the top of this page, to help you locate a therapist in your community. Please take care. I wish you the best.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I want desperately to move

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 14 years old and have social anxiety / depression. When I was 5 years old, my father was killed in a car crash. After that, my mother continued to work. When I was 9, my mom and I were in a severe car accident. She broke every bone on the right side of her body and I ruptured my spleen and fractured my leg.

When we both got home from the hospital (about 3 weeks later) my grandfather moved in and brought along his 3 dogs and 2 cats. Flash to now, 5 years later. My mother is dissabled and can barely walk, while my grandfather still lives with us, still with all his animals. This whole area makes me think of the horrible things that have happened in the past years. And to make things worse, a relative that sexually abused me as a small child moved in across the street from us, about 9 months ago, and visits my grandfather at least twice a day, everyday.

I want me and my mother to move desperately. I can’t stand constantly seeing my abuser every single day. And the dogs/cats living here aren’t allowed outside and eliminate all over the carpet/linolium. My grandfather has taken over the house and me or my mother have no say in anything anymore.

I want to tell my mother this in a way where she will understand that moving is the best thing for me. I’ve told her this and she gets angry when I bring it up. I can’t do this much longer, its been over 5 years and I feel like I’m slowly drowning in depression. Please, how can I explain this to my mother where she will see that it’s so important to me?

I’m very glad you wrote. My guess is that your mother is in some way dependent on her father for help. She is also in physical and emotional pain. It’s likely she can’t find the energy to consider a move. When you bring it up, it may make her feel terrible that she can’t take care of the two of you on her own. It’s easier for her to be angry than to face how helpless she must feel. Those are just guesses, of course. Only you can determine if they make any sense.

Whatever the case, this is far too big a problem for a 14-year-old, even a 14-year-old as mature as you are, to handle alone. You need to find a school counselor or another sympathetic adult to help you talk with your mother. A counselor or someone else in the helping professions will know if there are public resources available to people who are disabled and in need. It may be that there is subsidized housing available as well as other benefits. Your mom may not know what they are or how to apply.

Please take someone into your confidence. You and your mother have been through so much. You need and deserve some practical help as well as emotional support.

Whenever you need someone to give you some encouragement, consider calling the Boys and Girls Town Hotline at 800-448-3000. Counselors are available 24/7 to help teens who are stressed out. Talking with them is free.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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