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Want to Be Sick for Attention

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 23rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Let me begin with the symptoms I have had all my life. Ever since I was little, I have been anxious in large crowds, especially in crowds full of strangers, so much so that I spend a lot of my free time, not at work or school, at home. Time outside in situations with people, I find myself struggling to find a topic of conversation, or continuing on with a subject. I find myself saying things at the wrong time, or reacting oddly to other people’s reactions. At times, I seem to incorrectly read people’s emotions, whether spoken or not, and I tend to get angry and frustrated when there is no need to be. Because of this, I am conflicted, because when I am at home, I wish to be out with people doing something, but when I am around my friends and family, though I do enjoy it for some time, I end up wishing I were back at home.

This is the intro to my current problem. Normally, I find myself not wanting to be in the middle of attention, because that would just cause me to be anxious and almost rather be dead than in that moment. However, recently, I have been wanting some sort of emotional attention. What I mean by that is, I don’t want people complimenting me and praising all my good works, because, honestly, whenever someone says something positive about me, it’s total BS and they’re just trying to make me feel better about myself. Instead, I want something more emotional and physical. I’m not really into that sexual type stuff, so lately, I’ve been really wanting some sort of serious illness to hit, especially me but also to my family.

I want this illness, whatever one comes my way, to occur at the worst possible time, so I have an excuse to cry in front of people, and for people to give me support. I want an illness to give me a reason to spill out all my emotions out to someone without worrying about them judging me, or turning away from me because I didn’t say something right. I just want to be comforted, because I have all these emotions bottled up in me so that I don’t even know what I feel sometimes. What do I do?

 

You imagine that an illness would get those around you to show concern and caring. Your underlying motivation may be that you want to be loved and to know that people care about you. Those are normal human emotions and desires. It also suggests that you may not be getting those needs met by your caregivers.

You seem to see illness as the only way to meet your needs, but it would only lead to unneeded suffering. If an ailment were to befall you or your family, you would realize how valuable ones’ health is. You don’t want to learn its value by becoming the victim of a serious illness.

I would suggest counseling. It could help you with your anxiety, and depression Treatment could help you immensely. In the meantime, try journaling or writing to help you expose your feelings. Then bring those writings to the therapist who could assist you in explore why you feel the way you do. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randlle

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I Get Bored of People Too Quickly and Thus Do Not Have Any Friends

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 19th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a student at university and I’ve had some very good friends in the past, but with some of them I lost touch because I changed school and with others I do not have anything in common anymore. I have recently moved to another city (for the 3rd time, because of university and my personal travel passion) and started school 1 year ago. I have made exactly 1 friend by now, and without me he would otherwise be the lonely guy because he is very shy and introverted (I am an introvert too, which is probably why we connected easily). To be honest, I would be the lonely girl without him as well.

Anyway, we do not have very much in common other than school – I like arts, design, fashion, traveling, different cultures, etc.. and he is more the guy who loves to stay at home and do nothing all day. So it’s not a friendship based on shared interests but more because nobody better was available for each of us.
Now that one year has passed, I am slowly getting bored by him. Not of what he talks about (well, that also), but rather of him as a person. His life seems so boring to me, sitting at home all day and being sad about his “loser” lifestyle (which we often talk about and he also calls it that himself). The problem, however, is not him. It’s me. I get bored of people so very quickly. I have the feeling everyone else is really stupid and I can relate to no-one because they all don’t know shit. Without wanting to brag or anything – I am very intelligent (my IQ is 157) and to me everything that other people say or do seems useless and boring and uninteresting and uninspired. All the other people are lazy and unmotivated, while I am doing everything I can to become smarter and better etc.. But I feel terribly lonely in this world of intelligence and sophistication. Nobody around me seems to really get me when I talk, except for older people, and they are in most cases not interested in a real friendship with a 24 year old.I meet many people and get to know them and after max. 6 months – 1 year I get bored and “quit” the relationship. But that’s not right. What can I do? (From Germany)

 You need to be finding like-minded people while you are developing your skills. Highly intelligent students often need to be with people who can challenge them. Your friend doesn’t do that — and you’ve been with him a year so you do have the capacity to hang in there. That isn’t getting bored “very quickly.” My point is that you will be motivated once you find a relationship that helps to balance and add to your life.

I’d recommend finding a groups on campus that are doing something interesting and engaging. Talk to them and join one or two that pulls your interest. You are looking for something that activates your passion.

I’d also look into group therapy on campus. Many universities have counseling programs and if they have a group that would be good. The socialization skills and feedback from the group can be very helpful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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I Don’t Feel Like An Adult

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 18th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

This is very difficult for me. I am a 19 year old female who feels more like a kid than a woman. I think the problem is that I still haven’t come to terms with my adulthood. I don’t drive, don’t know how and honestly don’t want to get my license. I have basic cooking skills, but I’m more of a burden in the kitchen than a major help. I don’t turn around when people address me by “Ma’am” or even “Miss”. I find it terribly awkward when adults talk to me in a tone they would use with other adults. Whenever I’m with a group of my peers or older adults I feel as if I don’t belong in the conversation, and I find it strange to have a one-on-one “adult” conversation with somebody. It’s really hard to explain. I’ve heard some people describe me as innocent and pure-hearted but idk. I feel strange. I feel like a child. And I know with the way I act I portray myself as someone submissive, needs to be protected, guided, and dealt with patience. A few years back it didn’t bother me much but now that I’m older and starting to make my way into the world, I’ve been noticing I’m not like others my age. I don’t identify as an adult. I get confused and frustrated when I’m presented with tasks that I feel are too much for me or when I’m treated a certain way. Not unkindly, but with a weight. Its just so confusing and frustrating. I get irritated when I feel I didn’t act like an adult and lash out at my family. How can I find out what’s wrong with me?

One is considered an adult at the age of 18 but what does this really mean? In the United States, it means that you can vote or fight in a war, among other things. Biologically, one is considered an adult when he or she reaches puberty. With regard to the brain, it is now commonly accepted in the scientific community that the adolescent brain is not fully developed until the age of 25. In light of those facts, 18, as the age of adulthood, seems rather arbitrary.

You seem to have arbitrarily decided that a 19-year-old adult “should” be behaving in a particular manner. In your mind, there is a particular standard that you are not meeting. Your comparisons are based on your perception of how others your age are behaving. The problem with arbitrary guidelines and standards is that they are not often based on reality and thus may be inaccurate.

You stated that you portray yourself as submissive. You feel that you need to be protected, guided and described yourself as someone who is easily confused. At the heart of this issue may be a lack of self-confidence. You may feel disempowered or that you do not have the capacity to be independent.

For instance, you have not obtained your driver’s license and are not certain that you want to. It would be interesting to know more about why you don’t want a drivers license. If the reason is because driving frightens or intimidates you, then this could be an issue of a lack of self-confidence.

With regard to cooking, there is no standard age by which someone is expected to know how to cook. Some people never learn how to cook. Some people have no interest. Culinary skills take years to develop. They are not skills that individuals are born knowing. It often takes many years of training to develop good culinary skills. The fact that you have difficulty with cooking simply means you have yet to learn those skills; it is not a sign that something is “wrong” with you.

At 19, lacking self-confidence is relatively normal but it is something that can be overcome. One generally develops self-esteem and self-confidence through life accomplishments. The fact that you have identified this as an issue is a good first step. My recommendation would be to see a therapist to discuss these issues in more depth. He or she could thoroughly analyze the situation and assist you in developing the necessary skills to be successful in life.

I would also recommend devoting yourself to gaining knowledge in every area that interests you. For instance, if you want to learn how to cook, take a class, practice at home and read the best cooking books. Knowledge is empowering. The more knowledge that you have in an area, the more confidence you will feel. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Don’t Want to Live Anymore

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 15th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m 15 and I have lived the worst life possible so far. My parents are separated and my dad is not in my life anymore he used to keep in touch every once in a while but since last summer after he married my cousin I have not heard from. I have tried to reach out to him numerous of times but nothing seems to work. I constantly beat myself up about the situation assuming its my fault he rather love someone else’s kids than his own. My mom has had a tough time raising my brother and I and we have moved from house to house reason being we have been kicked out because of my mom not paying the rent. My life have been so depressing i used to be so social but this all changed when I met this guy whom I I feel in love with I will keep is name private and call him Julian. Julian was 18 when we first started talking I know that old but younger guys have always took control over me and Julian “did understand me” . I thought we would be together forever and I didn’t want anyone coming in between us but months later I found out he was cheating on me. I still stayed with him but now it’s a year and 8 months later and it seems like I’m in an emotional wreck, I want to leave him but yet I want to stay with him. Although causes so much pain in my life he mentally abuses me and its detroying me. My mom is going crazy just today she called me a “failure” which hurt me more than anything . My brother just graduated and he never is home because he says he needs to escape from home. He used to be the only person who gave me hope but now I have none at all. I cut my self a lot I tried drowning myself and Over dosing but I stopped . But I don’t know what to do I just really don’t want too live anymore !!

You are obviously in a great deal of emotional pain. You’re dealing with a lot and are punishing yourself through self-harm and by attempting to overdose. People who engage in self-harm often do so because they don’t have the necessary coping skills to handle stressful life situations.

Your father’s decision to leave his family was not your fault. He apparently thought it was morally acceptable to abandon his family. His choices are a reflection on him and not a statement of your worth as a human being. You must believe that you are a lovable, worthy person even when your parents make poor choices.

You fell in love with an individual who doesn’t value you. When we do not value ourselves, then we allow others to treat us unkindly. When you come to love and value yourself, you will no longer tolerate being treated unjustly.

Your home life has been unstable and traumatizing. Your mother is unable to support you and even says hurtful things to you. Life is hard for you, as it is for many people, but it will eventually get better. Problems are a part of life. Everyone experiences problems but the key to dealing with them effectively is to arm yourself with good problem-solving skills. These skills can be learned in psychotherapy.

It’s important to seek professional help. In the absence of problem-solving skills, you are resorting to acts of desperation to relieve your emotional pain. Psychotherapy can teach you these essential skills.

If you feel that you may harm yourself, call 911 or go to the emergency room. You should tell your mother about these issues. If you feel that you cannot talk to her, then speak to someone at your school. They can assist you in receiving the proper mental health treatment. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

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Interpersonal Issues

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 14th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. Before him, I only dated once, and I was really heartbroken when it was over. It took me years before I finally fully reconciled what I had lost. Since then, I only had a temporary “fling,” where I also got hurt. So, when we started dating, it was really stressful and overwhelming for me, especially since we only spent about 2 weeks getting to know each other. He was very passionate about his feelings for me, and it wasn’t long before we started having sex and he told me he loved me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and I had a hard time voicing the many struggles I had within our relationship. He had dated 3 women consecutively before me, two of whom he was intimate with, and I was confused how he could get over a long-term relationship so quickly after it had taken me so long to get over my first one. I struggled immensely with the fact that he had sex with other women before me, since he was my first true experience with sex, and I also was questioning his relationship pattern: can he go without dating a woman? He grew up with a single mother, so it makes sense, but he only waited a month or so to start dating me after his last relationship ended (it lasted about a year and a half). I wondered if I was just the next girl in line, and if I was really any different from the rest. He’s very in love with me, and I love him, but not as much as he loves me. I broke up with him a few weeks after our 1 year because I couldn’t take the struggles anymore, and he was physically sick. He said he cried himself to sleep each night and vomited in the morning. I couldn’t stand how much pain he was in over me, and I also felt like I still have love for him, so I went back with him within a week and a half. During this time apart, his ex contacted him and they met up- she wanted him back, but he told her he wanted to be with me. He also hung out with another girl (who just found out we got back together) and said he “met” someone, but it didn’t go anywhere. He said all he really wanted was to me with me. However, he didn’t tell me about his ex contacting him until about a week after starting our relationship again, and he didn’t tell me they communicated at one point during the summer either. He is sometimes inappropriate with his flirting, and when I talk with some of the girls he knows, he asks me “what we talked about,” and now I’m paranoid that he’s hiding things from me. I just don’t know if I can totally trust him. I know he loves me very much, but I just feel uneasy in our relationship at times. What should I do?

I appreciate the pain and struggle you are going through with this relationship, and while I don’t want to be simplistic about the differences between men and women and dating I will say there is some truth to the statement that when relationships end, men replace and women grieve.

That having been said, the insecurities and concerns you are feeling are natural in this relationship. The first thing that I would note is that the primary concern you have seems to be during the time you were broken up. During that 10-day period your then ex-boyfriend began some connections with other women. This should not be a surprise given that men will most often move on faster than women. Of course this isn’t always true, but what I am saying is that if you were broken up, his behavior isn’t a surprise.

I would encourage you to find a voice in this relationship and start creating a commitment that is based on mutual trust. Explain what you need from him in the relationship and be open to hearing his expectations. True intimacy is the result of shared vulnerability and this needs to happen with a discussion.

In your profile it indicated you were in college. I would take advantage of the counseling program at the school and see if they would be willing to have a few couples sessions. This might do wonders fo the two of you beginning to communicate your needs and expectations more directly to one another.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Have Frequent Violent & Sadistic Thoughts Toward Living Things

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 14th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I look at weaker, living things, I like to imagine how it’d feel to crush it in my hands, or how pleasurable it’d feel if I wrapped my hands around their necks. I desire to see their fear and pain; their eyes widening in terror, just to earn the euphoric feelings that come afterwards. I don’t like horror movies, but I find fictional gore/murderous/twisted/demented drawings and stories very appealing. I have had backgrounds of being emotionally harmed for 8 years in elementary. My negative parental influence includes the same, plus their in-accountability to be together, however, I perceive myself to be a rational person. They do love me and have gotten better over the years, but not with each other. I used to abuse the animals around me when I was around the ages of 8-13, pulling their fur/feathers off, tying them up, forcing them into small spaces, ect. Going into religion soothed me, but, around my third year of high school, I stopped trying to associate with my peers. In my mind, they are no different from all of my elementary classmates, and I’ve given up on them. A “friend” means someone who’s willing to sacrifice something for me, and me in turn; the rest that I associate can only be characterized by me as, ‘tolerable’ or ‘interesting’. I no longer trust anyone, and can’t seem to touch anyone without wanting to push them off or feel disgusted. I only love my family. I’m mostly silent and prefer not to look at anyone’s eyes unless they’re talking to me. They seem insignificant. I detest crowds and a few triggers are small things, like the sound of people’s breathing. I hate being looked at and have a severe inferiority complex. I try to seem shy and act helpful/polite, but it’s forced. My issues with this mindset is that it scares my parents as well as part of myself, but, a larger part of me enjoys it. Most of my art has become grotesque over the years. How do I stop myself from holding this ball of raging hatred/pain without directing it at those around me? Am I in risk of turning into a criminal, or is this some kind of mild disorder?

It’s not clear why you engage in this type of thinking and behavior. At the root of the issue might be your inferiority complex. People who feel inferior to others see themselves as incompetent, unworthy and weak. They lack a sense of power and control. You may be compensating for those unpleasant feelings by targeting animals in an attempt to gain a feeling of power and control. There may be other motivations as well.

You asked whether you are at risk of becoming a criminal. Hurting animals is a criminal act. In fact, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has recently classified animal cruelty as a felony offense, and considers it a “crime against humanity.”

Studies have also shown that cruelty to animals can lead to cruelty to human victims. A person might begin or practice with animals and then progress to people.

It’s good that you are aware of your problem and concerned enough to write. The fact that you have shared this information with your parents is also a positive sign. It shows that you had the insight to recognize that a problem exists and you want help. Your openness to treatment and motivation, significantly increases your chances of successfully correcting this problem.

Therapy is the ideal place to learn how to manage your strong emotions. Your therapist will teach you how to regulate your emotions and behavior. Counseling can be quite powerful especially if you are open to the process. I would recommend that you go to your parents and ask for their assistance in finding a therapist. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Trust Issues Are Ruining Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 13th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have struggled with trust issues my whole life. It has lead me to be emotionally unfaithful, I question everything, and invade his privacy when he has given me no reason to believe he would stray. When I was caught with a profile on a dating site I had resolved to never lie again. I have yet to be unfaithful again, but I hold so many insecurities that I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to be with someone else.

I recently answered a text message on his phone from a co-worker whom he had been spending a lot of time with helping her with rides to work, apartment hunting etc. I had brought myself to trust the relationship they had until I saw her text him at 8am to say good morning. I almost instinctually replied as though I were him. I was very shaky, felt ill, and felt almost oblivious to everything else around me.She had said she missed him more than ever, so I asked her to call me. When she called I asked her why she would say those things and she assured me nothing was going on.

I believe that he is not being unfaithful but my actions are hurtful and I don’t know that I could stop myself from doing that again. This isn’t the first time my suspicions were proven wrong. I constantly feel like I am not good enough, always feel second best, and am not confidant he can be happy with me. He is tired of the lack of trust and is ready to leave over it.

Not only that but because I hold so many fears and insecurities I can’t seem to praise him or see positives, all I can focus on are negatives and he feels this is an underlying displeasure with him. He recently told me he had not yet been able to forgive my infidelity and feels very little has changed in me. He has said he is unsure whether he wants to continue in the relationship. He believes I am sabotaging the relationship in order to find a reason to leave. I want to fix this, I just don’t know how to stop my behaviors, the worse he feels about us the worse I behave. Why?

A; You’ve already told us both why. You are terribly, terribly insecure. Stalking your fiance isn’t going to help because the problem isn’t in him. It’s in you. Criticizing him in order to bring him down to your level isn’t doing anything for your relationship, either. You are fortunate indeed that he hasn’t given up yet. He must love you a lot.

If you want to fix this, you are going to have to do more than think about it. If you could have solved the problem on your own, you would have done so long ago. To stop the behaviors and the feelings behind them, you need to see a counselor. Therapy will help you get to the bottom of your insecurities and your feelings of unworthiness and will help you learn more productive ways to manage them. I hope you get going with some therapy right away. I don’t see how your relationship can withstand much more of this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Switch Between Two Different “Me’s”

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 13th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, it’s a quite pleasure to meet you. I’ve just recently realized that I think I may have a problem. It never struck me as odd before, yet it was so obvious. There are two different “me’s” besides the normal me. They are two extremes. There is the extremely obsessive and overly emotional one that I have nicknamed “Loony.” Then there is the emotionally empty, intellectual, and analytical one that is the “Bored” one.

“Loony” and “Bored” are the ones I switch between a lot. Loony often becomes unhealthily obsessed with things or people. They obsess about those things for a long time, thinking about nothing except for how perfect those things are and how inferior they are compared to that thing or person. They have an extreme inferiority complex, always harshly critical about themselves. But they aren’t depressed. They love the fact that they are tearing themselves apart and that those people/things are vastly more superior than them.

Bored is, well, extremely bored with all of their relationships and everything they do. Yet they go into intellectual debates a lot. They also collect data and information on all kinds of different subjects, just learning more and more for no real reason.

The thing that made me realize that I even switch between these two was something that I noticed. When I learnt that I had a UTI infection for basically eight years and that those things are able to kill people; I was extremely disturbed and worried, of course. But then later, I became completely indifferent to the information, not really caring what happens to me. After that, I became overjoyed by that information and openly embraced the idea of myself dying like that. It took me awhile, but I spotted the different reactions. Then I saw more differences pile up. I can’t control when the changes happen, they just happen and I get out of them when they want to end. I’m not “me” when I’m them. I’m not “awake,” I guess is the best way to put it.

Even my brother at one point told me that I “have no personality,” because mine changed so often. So, it’s not just me thinking this whole thing up and convincing myself that it’s real. It is real. I don’t really know what to do or what this is. Could you help me?

Thank you for reading.

The ”you” who wrote this letter is neither Loony nor Bored, yes? So how is that? The you that wrote this letter is a true self, an observing ego, the real you. Differences in thoughts and feelings — even when they have a wide range — are not necessarily separate selves. The fact that there is a “you” that knows about it, can discuss both completely, reflect and critique each, and desires change is the part of you that you want to develop. I recommend you ask your parents for some therapy sessions to help this process along.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Humiliated

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. March 13th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hello. I am a 15 year old girl. Since I was a little girl, I never really went outside. I always stayed at my home most of the time. I only had one friend with whom I would talk to most of the time. I was terrified of what people thought about me, and I still am. And because of that I avoid people, even my classmates. A humiliating incident happened today. After tuition, my tuition sir’s small girl who is about six years younger than me was playing with me. She then suddenly took a leap on the double-swing seat’s edge and was standing and swinging. I was worried she would accidentally fall and hurt herself. So, I went over and playfully hit her leg and told her she might fall. After that she did something which really humiliated me in front of my friends. She slapped me. I was speechless and I walked away. What’s worse is that I didn’t even tell her anything. What’s even more surprising is the fact that I didn’t even get angry. When I went home, I was only thinking what my peers would say about me after that embarrassing and humiliating incident. I still wasn’t angry on the girl.

Here’s the problem: #1 – I always, ALWAYS fail to stand up for myself. I always think the other person is always correct. Not me. I am really pathetic. #2 – I am always worried about what people might think about me. Because of that, I don’t even speak to any people except for my best friend. Even when I actually speak to people, I get really shaky and fail to form proper sentences. I can’t even think properly and because of that, I blabber out stupid stuff. (age 15, from Saudi Arabia)

I’m sorry that you are feeling humiliated by this experience. It may be that the girl slapped you because she did not take your behavior of hitting her on the leg as playful and she was striking back. In the future, it may be best to keep hands off and just let her know that you are worried that she might hurt herself. I’m not saying that what she did was ok or justified, but she may have just reacted without thinking, not realizing you were trying to help.

Nonetheless, even though you felt humiliated by the experience, I doubt it really caught that many people’s attention and even if it did, they will move on and forget about it. I’m more concerned that you feel so uncomfortable around others and yet care so much what they think of you. What really matters is how you feel about yourself. If you like yourself, others will like you too.

In order to build up your confidence socially, it may be important to slowly work on making new friends and specifically seek out those whom you have things in common with, be it school subjects, hobbies, or even just a similar sense of humor. You don’t have to have a lot of friends, just focus on having a few good ones. This will go a long way in helping you feel comfortable.

It may also be beneficial for you to speak with your school counselor, a therapist or perhaps even a trusted teacher or other respected adult. Getting an adult perspective at this difficult time of your life might help you make progress faster. Furthermore, you can do some reading on self-esteem and assertiveness. There are many good workbooks available, as well as some helpful online resources.

You began the process of sticking up for yourself by writing in and reaching out. Keep up the good work!

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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An Abusive Boyfriend?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 13th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me if I need to turn in me or my ex to authorities. First, my ex was not very kind to me when I was with him. I told him I had a severe form of Non-Verbal Learning Disability when I got diagnosed and that the reason I am somewhat okay socially is because my parents always over encouraged me to be social and one of my friends taught me how to talk to people “normally”(and I’d go to my parents with any social questions). He would tell me I seemed fine and I would tell him that part of it was my generalized anxiety making me stay more quiet and overthink and overthink until I figured out non-awkward or offensive things to say (esp. in a text). When I would bring this up, he would basically tell me to try harder because when we first dated (and I was on Abilify, an antipsychotic that actually can help autistics), I didn’t act so different. Also during the relationship, he told me that he laughed during gore scenes in movies and had obsessive urges to harm people, but drowned it out with stories he told himself and video games. Now that we are broken up and he treats the relationship as if it were my fault for it ending and makes me do all the work to get him to talk to me, we have parted ways completely, and too often I have urges to harm him, mainly to show him the pain he caused me and my cause other, and also because he is entering the military with confidential computer data access which scares me. I’m angry with myself for becoming like him, but he called me out of my mind once, and I had a psychiatrist that tried to convince me I was with practically no evidence. Granted I was histrionic in the relationship and easily anxious that he’d break up with me when we had a really intense text fight involving all caps. He also accused me more than once of cheating when I never once cheated. Never agreed to call me as my therapist suggested us do for my NVLD. Told me it was my fault I struggled so badly to pay attention to my teacher because she never stayed on one topic. He wasn’t nice.

The most important thing now is for you to take care of yourself. The military has extensive evaluations and training that your boyfriend will have to go through — if he needs help they will be the ones to figure that out and help — not you. The work for you is to find an individual therapist to work through your own issues of anger toward him — learn what drew you to him, made you stay with him, and make the proper adjustments for yourself in moving forward with relationships. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone qualified to help near where you live.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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What’s Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 11th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Egypt: I don’t know how to say this but I’ll try my best. Over the past few months abnormal thoughts have been taking over head. For example, when I fight with my mom there’s this voice in my head that keeps telling me that i should hit her and hurt her, and at times kill her. This is what made me realize that I should probably see a counselor.

I’ve always felt sad most of the time but during the past few months these feelings have gotten stronger. There are times when I feel so sad that I can’t get out of my bed, I now have no friends because I’ve pushed everyone away and sometimes I sleep too much and other times I barely sleep.

Once I felt so sad that I didn’t go to school for 3 weeks straight and almost got suspended for it, I’m also failing most of my classes now. I’m always haunted by the feeling that I’m living for nothing or that I have nothing to look forward to.

I always feel lonely and disliked even when people reassure me that I’m loved and that they’re always going to be there but to me they’re just empty words that I can never believe. I sometimes hear voice coming from the inside of my head telling me that I’m worthless, stupid and that I’ll never achieve anything.

I’ve started self-harming three years ago. My mom saw my scars more than once and I’ve talked to her about getting help but she claims that this is normal and that everyone goes through things like that during their teenage years. I don’t know what this is, is this a phase like my mom claims it is? I’m scared that this is normal and that I’ll have to live like this for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do.

 I’m very concerned about you. What you should do is follow the advice of the sensible part of you that got you to write to us and that knows you need some help.

I’m sure your mother means well. I suspect that she wants to think it’s a phase because she can’t stand to believe you are in tremendous pain. But what you are reporting is not usual, especially since it has gone on for so long.

Start with a visit to your physician. Sometimes symptoms like yours are due to an underlying medical condition like a thyroid disorder or vitamin deficiency. If you are medically fine, then please talk to your school counselor about how to find a therapist who specializes in teen issues.

You wrote a thoughtful letter. Bring it with you to the appointments, and it will help the doctor or counselor quickly understand your level of distress.

If you were going to get better without help, you would be seeing some improvement by now. Please take your own good advice and get the help you need and deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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The Girl I Love Is Secretly in Love with Our Common Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 10th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Well I fell in love with a friend. first I didn’t know she was bi. we hangout a lot and one day we were at my house and she started getting close to me and she kissed my neck and I didn’t push her off. we didn’t kiss or had sex. well the two days after we acted like we were together but secretly because she wasn’t out. and after that she apologized for the day when she got close to me. than I had to tell her that I love her and she rejected me.
we met for a quick talk and she told me that she is in love with our straight friend (her best friend) and she don’t want to use me as a rebound. and what she felt the day we got close was only physical. well I don’t think so because she is not a sexual/physical person and she told me that when we talked again on the phone (contradiction)
What I know that she had issues with her dad and that common friend (a girl) stayed by her side back in the days. I don’t know also what type of issues she had with her dad. what I know is that when she talks about him she describes him as an animal. the straight friend is so much caring, she cares about everyone and stayed next to her this time.
it’s hard for me because I saw the spark in her eyes when we hang out together even this one friend want us to be together because she thought that the girl I love likes me too because it’s obvious.
it’s hard for me because she still talks to me every day I see her at college we have the same classes. it’s very hard because she gave me signals than she rejected me
I don’t know if I should tell our common friend that she loves her
I don’t know if a should stay by her side
I don’t know if I should leave
it’s just too hard for me
I care for her and want to know if this bad relationship with her dad and our friend being caring are the reasons that she rejected me or she maybe thought that was love and she is just afraid of losing her best friend.
ps she told that even if her best friend will only think of her as a sister she would be happy to stay with her because she loves her and she rejected my help to get out of the situation. (From Lebanon)

Don’t look for more from this relationship than what you are getting. While it may be hard for you — the work is for you to accept the fact that she has rejected you, that the mutual relationship she has with your joint friend is their business, and that you should not go into orbit around hoping she will change her mind.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Weird Changes in Sleep, Vision, Thinking, Motivation, Eating

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 10th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I’ve been told I have anxiety by a medical professional. I got into counseling but i don’t see it helping me really. Lately, I’ve been bedridden and not like I’m sick but I just have no motivation to do anything. I lay in bed almost 24hours aside from the occasional bathroom trip or going to my school site (I’m in a homeschooling program). This has resulted in a lot of stress and I don’t really sleep I stay up all night and day. I lose focus a lot when I read, the word just kinda morphs and make it hard for me to clearly see sentences. I eat once a day occasionally twice. I smoke weed here and there but I vape a lot which is what I believe ties into my eating but I’ve also lost about 30 pounds in the last few months which isn’t healthy. I am veryyyy very irritable and mean even if I don’t feel angry I come off angry. I zone out a lot and it hard for me to do anything even getting up for those bathroom trips. I have hate for myself and the world i just feel very off this has never been me but idk i suffer great consequences from the behavior like almost being kicked out of school due to lack of work turned in. I feel woozy a lot and my vision shifts often and gets blurry I have occasional heart pain and my chest usually feels heavy I’m just scared cuz I’m slowly throwing my life away and I just don’t care like what’s wrong with me please help me!!! I feel unique and happy around my friends but when I’m home or given any type of commitment I just cannot follow through granted I’ve been through my fair share of life experiences from abuse to getting kicked out and moving around my whole life but it never stopped me then. I’ve never talked about those things really even in front of counselors cuz I physically cannot it makes me extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed is this something others go through? I need help, please. (From the USA)

Thanks for sending in your concerns. If we look at your complaints — being bedridden, lacking motivation, insomnia, stressed, inattentive, poor appetite, feeling alienated and alienating, being unfocused, irritable, suffering chest pains, and hatred of yourself and others — we see symptoms that systematically chip away at your well-being. Added to this you say that you cannot follow through on any given any type of commitment and that talking about all this is both uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Yet, mixed in with all of the symptoms is one commitment — chronically vaping. Nearly every symptom you’ve measured has been linked to high doses of tetrahydrocannabinol THC, the active component of cannabis used when you vape rather than smoke weed. Here is an article on these effects.

When you talk to your counselor talk about how much you vape and ask for help in quitting. The first thing is to stop doing the thing that is most likely fueling all, or most, of your symptoms. My guess is that if you address this issue first you are likely to have greater success in coping with the things that are troubling you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Obsessed With BF Female Friends

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 8th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m in a serious relationship with a man who treats me great. We are currently long distance, seeing each other about once a month. At first I did not think much about his friends and the fact that a lot of them are girls. I have met quite a few of them and they are all beautiful and flirty. I don’t think they see him as more than a friend and he has never dated any of them as far as I know. However, he once in a while has one visit him at home to chat. He also has a lot of female friends on facebook. I feel that he is crossing a boundary with having girls at his place where he wants me to even move into. I don’t think he’s doing anything and he does tell me after, but sometimes he’s with them for a while and I feel like if he wants to socialize with women it should be in public, or involve me or someone else as well. I’m starting to get really nervous especially since he does women favors sometimes… I know he’s a nice person but why is he doing things for other women? I’m not sure where boundaries should be but I’m starting to get nervous. I don’t think be would cheat, but I also think there should be boundaries on closeness to prevent emotional cheating. Am I over thinking all of this? I struggle with my self esteem and I am not as pretty as these girls, also I need to be his main priority in life and the first person he shares things with etc. I don’t want to feel like the things he does for me he would also do for another woman. Or that another woman could have his attention as often as me. I feel that there should be a major difference in our relationship than how he is with other women, a difference more than the fact that we are intimate and that he is loving and mushy. Do I want too much?

Thank you very much for letting us read your email here at LifeHelper. I think there are various levels and ways in which to approach this, but they all include having an honest and direct conversation with him. The first way is to explain how important this is to you and the kind of feelings that are activated and that it feels like he crosses a boundary when he does it. Secondly, I would then explain that if he wants to continue, then this should be agreeable for you to do as well. In other words let him know that if he thinks it is okay for him, then it will have to be ok for you, too. If he feels it’s the right thing for him and he’s not willing to change — then he will have to be okay with you having male friends on Facebook, visiting their homes and doing favors for them as well.

This is not a tit-for-tat but rather a reality check. You want to be in a mature relationship with an individual who thinks there’s reciprocity in your partnership, then he needs to know that what is good for him is good for you. This may be the beginning of an awakening in him, a change in how you choose to be in the relationship or a time for reevaluation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 8th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

This feels kinda stupid but I know I need help? I’ve slowly lost touch with everyone in my life, including my whole family. I have exams coming up and everyone expects me to do amazing but I can’t. I can barely find energy to get up in the morning. there are times when I feel like crying, even though there’s nothing wrong. I’ve always got a headache, or stomach ache, or just generally feel ill. I think I hate myself and this makes me hate everyone else too. I feel like I’m ‘digging my own grave’. I talked to someone honestly, and she basically told me to ‘suck it up’. Sometimes I wonder if she’s right though, maybe its just me being a twat. Recently, I’ve buried myself in all the fantasy worlds in tv shows. My whole family seems more complete without me, and just generally happier. The friends I used to have got left behind as I moved schools, and I ended up with the popular kids. I just don’t wanna cry anymore. I’m just so tired. and I can’t talk to anyone. my parents think I’m crazy, and I’m making stuff up. they’re too busy with my siblings to even notice me half the time. sometimes I wonder if they wish they didn’t have me. I’ve also gained a lot of weight. it sucks. I’m taller than my own dad like is that even possible? and fat. I’ve tried working out… I look like an idiot. I just want to leave everywhere, but that isn’t possible. I’ve been brought up as a Christian, but sometimes it feels like even god doesn’t want me. I went to a retreat, and came back happy and refreshed. no matter how much I pray I cant get it back. it seems like whatever I do now I always wrong. I’m so sick of being here. sometimes I wish I could just sleep till I’m old. talking to people makes me feel like an attention seeker, begging them to notice me. but I need their help, I don’t know how to ask for it. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m alright, apart from my parents. I thought they were the people who were meant to notice you and know you the best? I always say sure I’m okay but I literally don’t know. I wanna leave home. (From England)

 At 16 years old I can say that many of your feelings are shared by others you age. It isn’t easy trying to figure out where to fit in and how to choose a direction in life. I admire the fact that you are trying different things to feel better even though you don’t feel supported by your family. This takes courage and resilience and isn’t easy.

The sadness you are describing can be coming from many sources. I would just tell your parents that you are not feeling well and ask to go to the physician. Your parents may have an easier time if they believe you need medical attention. When you talk to the physician explain to him or her that you are having these thoughts and feelings. The physician can do two things. One, he or she can check out if there is anything physical that may be causing your symptoms. Secondly, if it is time for some counseling he or she can talk to your parents about the need and help make a referral.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to Kick Out an Abusive Partner

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 5th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My partner of 6 years is an emotionally abusive alcoholic, who is currently on probation for his fourth DUI. He has no car, no driver’s license, and only recently got a part-time job after more than 2 years of self-imposed unemployment. Even though he is now making about $1,000/month, he still refuses to chip in for the rent or monthly bills. (His money goes toward beer, fast food for himself, and paying off his court costs.) After years of trying to make things work, I’ve decided he will never really change, and staying in such a dysfunctional relationship will no doubt cause long-term harm to our son, who witnesses the yelling, cursing, drinking, and threats of violence that go on in our home on a regular basis. Although he is only 4, my son has already told me that he doesn’t really like his daddy, and wishes he had a different one that wasn’t so lazy, grumpy, and mean.

The problem is that I want to end things with his father, but I’m not sure how to do so. In 2012, we moved from the Midwest to the East Coast for my career, which means we have no local family or support system to speak of. Although I pay all the rent and bills, the lease is in both our names. When I’ve tried to make him leave in the past, he’s refused to do so (pointing out that he has a right to live there since he’s on the lease). He also always says he would never go anywhere without his son. We haven’t even talked/argued about the idea of breaking up for quite some time because whenever it came up in the past, he always went ballistic and tore the house apart.

I guess my main question is: How do I end the relationship and tell him I want him to leave without jeopardizing the safety and well-being of my son, myself, and my property? (Almost everything in the house is mine.) I feel like he’s holding us hostage, because I’m afraid that if I try to end things between us, he will either hurt me, destroy my possessions, kidnap our son, or all of the above. Please help! I want my son and I to be free of this situation but I don’t know what to do!

Thank you for this powerful question. I agree that the dysfunction is too great for you to continue. As you prepare for leaving, I propose three things. First, if you’re not already involved with Al-Anon meetings I would find one in your area. Here’s a list and contact number to find the closest one. Al-Anon is a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics. This group can help give you the support and guidance to cope.

Secondly, I contact your local women’s center. Most counties in the United States have a woman’s center familiar with the laws, rights, and process of coping with the kind of issues you have. I’d contact them sooner rather than later.

Finally, get legal advice. Perhaps through the woman’s center or your employer, or through your own search. You’ll need to find a lawyer who can help you negotiate your rights — as well as protect yourself during this process.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Paranoid that She’s Cheating Due to Lack of Sex

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 4th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

First, I’m so glad I stumbled upon this site and hope wholeheartedly that this outcry (my only option at this point) will not go unheard or unanswered. I warn you now that this is a long one. Right to the thick of the matter:

I’m a self-diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic (I have never had enough money or been brave enough to actually see someone to have this diagnosis confirmed or denied). I could include how I came upon that self-diagnosis, but that story doesn’t really suit the issues at hand which all stem from sex — rather, the lack thereof. My girlfriend/ex-fiance of almost four years has a past filled with physical abuse both sexual and otherwise, has been declared SMI by the state, and is currently enrolled in a drug/therapy regimen through state services. Because of her history of abuse, she doesn’t like sex. I love her very much, but I communicate love and closeness through touch more than anything, so sex is a huge part of a relationship to me. Recently, after many tumultuous weeks of an on-again/off-again pattern with our relationship, we are together again. Because of the recent emotional roller-coaster ride, I feel very insecure about the renewed status of our relationship and feel that sex would seal the deal and ease my mind. She refuses to have sex, presumably because of her fragile emotional state, and I fully understand and support her in that decision and made that fact clear to her. Despite the rational part of me understanding and accepting said decision, my paranoia kicks in every single night when she calls to say goodnight to me. I listen intently to the silence coming from her end of the call searching for any indication of someone else being in the room with her because, the way I figure it, if it’s not with me after four years, it’s probably with someone else. I just don’t know what to do, or how to deal with these emotions, or even what’s happening with me. I would greatly appreciate any insights you have into the matter and any advice you can offer. Thank you in advance.

There are two important elements to your question. First, there are free clinics in your area and I would highly recommend getting on the list and getting a more accurate diagnosis rather than rely on your own evaluation.

The reason this is important is that if you are operating under the assumption that paranoia is part of your personality then it changes how you approach this situation. We don’t want to take away the anxiety in one area only to have it get focused on another. What you really want to do is find out if this is a generalized response — or is it specific to the relationship.

I’ll answer this is if it’s specific to the relationship because it sounds like it is.

It seems fair to say that with the struggles each of you bring into the relationship intimacy may be a challenge for both of you. I would talk about your insecurities with each other. The discussion should be a move toward building a stronger foundation with each other.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 2nd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m pretty much not very happy. I feel extremely lonely. I live with a grandma who constantly complains how she hates that I don’t do much, has high expectations, tells me I’m unable to go live on my own, and tells me my change of hair is bad. I stopped being close with my sisters at about. 13 years old. And I’m not close to any family. I don’t have friends, just occasional acquaintances at school. So needless to say, I am pretty alone and don’t get out of the house much at all. I’ve been bullied much of my life(at school)- 10th and 11th was by far the worst. I feel very insecure and self conscious now- I’ve turned into sort of a perfectionist and develop high expectations of myself. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated from small mistakes and I’m hard on myself. I don’t shower much or take care of my general health like I know I should; it’s become hard to do it regularly. I also don’t enjoy many things.. at least from what I experienced. 2 years ago (and beyond), I really enjoyed drawing, talking to people online through games, designing websites. I take no interest in any of it anymore. My days consist of school, YouTube videos, occasional comic reading, and looking up diets I always give up on anyways. Waking up even though I wish I could sleep forever.

Most of my sadness either comes in random, short waves through the day or at night. At least I think it’s sadness? It’s like-my heart sinks like when you cry, I feel uncomfortable and weak/heavy, and bad thoughts rush through my head a little. What’s odd is that I’ve sort of taken comfort in my sadness. I sometimes even want something to be wrong with me. I sometimes think none of my feelings are real and I only feel these things for attention, or even my thoughts and even memories aren’t real or they’re exaggerated. Because I feel normal a lot of the time, then don’t… I lie a lot to people; of course I would lie to myself.I just wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I don’t want to live but at the same time I do. I’m stuck in constant discomfort and refuse to help myself. Maybe I hate myself that much or maybe I don’t deserve it. (From the USA)

 I respect the difficulty and you reaching out to find an answer. You are a courageous person for looking at what ails you. I would talk to one of your school counselors about the bullying. School counselors are now trained in helping student cope with this. I know it is a lot to ask, but you have taken the first step here — and you deserve to feel better. Talk to the counselors so that he or she can help you unravel what is going on. The thoughts and feelings you are having are not random. They are a direct result of the bullies and your situation with your grandmother. You deserve to feel better. Any thoughts other wise are just reactions to the difficult people you have had to deal with. Talk to the counselor today.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Often Pretend to Be Someone Else

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 27th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: So I will often either when bored or stressed (from anxiety) or just for fun  head out on a walk (or home) and there is a couple things i might do. Either play a trailer and pretend like im the director and people are reacting to it while i play out the characters in the trailer or play a rap song and be the rapper or me (and I often have a little backstory when I do). Or alot of times I might just pretend I’m me singing or playing guitar and being amazing at it while family members or school mates are watching.

I do this almost everyday and ive done something similiar like this when i was around 11,12 but the thing is i only do it when i have my eaphones on and im playing music.

And the thing is I honestly havent had any friends all my highschool years, maybe 1 or 2 but i would isolate myself alot in my room because of my social anxiety and never really would go out unless at night for a walk.

Now the thing is in all my times ive pretended like this im almost the center of attention or i did something great or have some talent. Similar to this I would also go on walk where I would play bits either from radio segments or podcast that were really funny and pretend i was that person being funny or in that group.

I also want to add when im doing any of this i can stop at any moment like if i have something to do i can just stop and I dont actually believe its real and i know its pretend. I just want to know why it brings me so much joy and relieves stress when I do it cause after not doing it for a while I start feelin the urge to do it again why is this?

 You use your imagination because you are lonely and isolated. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

You told me that you have social anxiety, that you haven’t had friends, and that you’ve been doing this for a very long time. When you were a young child, you discovered that the world of imagination was much friendlier for you than the social world. You therefore spent more and more time developing it. That gave you a way out of your loneliness and it felt wonderful. A pretend world as complicated as yours usually is the mark of an exceptionally bright and imaginative kid.

I’m not worried about your delight in music or your pretend fame. It’s the stuff that great novels and songs are made of. What I am worried about is your continued isolation. If you continue to retreat to your imagination, you will not learn the skills you need to make friends, find a partner, or be successful in a job.

As painful as it will be at first, you do need to get out into the real world. For that, you may need the support, encouragement and guidance of a therapist — at least for a while. Please don’t put it off. A therapist can help you learn to use that intelligence and imagination of yours to find ways to get comfortable with other people.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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4 Year Relationship Crumbling

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 26th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. I have found a situation similar to mine with the title of “My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings” answered by Dr. Marie Harwell-Walker on psychcentral. However, I wanted to further the question into what actually the person who will be waiting can do.

In the answer to the question, Dr. Marie said how people’s lives diverge when they go off and have different experiences with different people. My girlfriend is living overseas, and this rings very true to me. She got involved in her new life, which made her question our relationship. At the end, she said she no longer feels emotions towards me. I had to let her go.

It has been a week since we have broken up. I agree that more likely, she will find someone who has more things in common with the people around her. While I realize there isn’t much that I can do, I want to do what is possible to kindle that possibility of meeting again and starting over in a couple of years.

I am not contacting her at this moment, and do not plan to do so for a long time, until I have stabilized. At the same time, I do want to know from my girlfriend’s point of view, on what I can do to maximize the chance that we will meet again in the future.

We have always spoken about how she will come to the states to go off to the east coast together when I go there for my graduate degree. We have dreamed of that moment together, but I know she no longer feels that strongly in her heart. My plan is to live strong in the next 2 years or so, and to visit her overseas to meet her and to convince her to join me in what we planned so long ago.

I know people have told me to forget, and to live my life. But this person is whom I have promised more than marriage with, and I do not want to lose her if I can.

Please advise me on what the best direction I can take is.

If your ex-girlfriend has made it clear that she isn’t interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, you better listen. She’s explained that she doesn’t have these feelings for you anymore, and while it is difficult, holding onto those feelings isn’t healthy for you. Going in orbit around your ex-girlfriend is putting your life on hold — with no guarantee that you would even meet again, much less start up a relationship again.

I would take the next several months to heal. Perhaps individual or group therapy can help. The work for you now is on making new connections, meeting new people, and learning new things — not on plotting some romantic chance meeting in the future with your ex girlfriend. Put the effort into self-care now. That is the best place to invest your time, energy, and resources.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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