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Depression and Feeling Worthless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 25th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

After failed marriage I was in 10 year relationship that now I realize was filled with constant emotional abuse. My self-confidence lowered in time and now I feel like empty shell and completely worthless as human. I am 43 and I see no end of this suffering. I know I should be self-sufficient and love myself and to know how to be happy alone, but I need friends and I need someone to love. During that relationship I lost all friends, and he assured me, he was my best friend. Though I firmly believe he really meant that and he didn’t mean any harm, I also realize that man has serious problems he is not aware of. I ignored all caution signs for 10 years and now I am alone, left and feeling worthless and sad all the time. I can barely work, I am aggressive and sad, I can’t smile or talk.

As for problems in my failed relationship, this man is good person and I really loved him but he had really bad issues. At age 47 he still lives with his parents who of course do not approve me and they control every of his moves. We saw each other in secret, I couldn’t call him or go to his home ever. He insisted that his life needs to stay the same always and forever and he does not want to change anything for me or anyone. I was stupid enough to believe that he can change since he did love me (in his way). He never did. Then pre-menopause hit me and I become depressed and moody. He could not handle it (I admit, it’s not easy for me too) and he just left me!!! He said something like he can’t give me what I need that’s true but why now after 10 years! Now when I am completely destroyed. I feel worthless in a world of men where woman is barely worth anything if she is not young and hot. I feel alone and stupid for believing love can change anything and worthless because it was so easy for him to leave me. Feel like no one would ever love me, no friends, no anything. I am shy and introverted and I am dead inside. I don’t know what to do, I feel I am losing everything.
Please, can you help me? (From Serbia.)

When relationships fail we have a choice: Do we stare at the past and lament the difficulties we’ve encountered — or do we use what went wrong as an opportunity to learn ways of moving forward.

Your question is filled with insight about how poor this relationship has been all along. This is what you must focus on: the fact that you were allowing yourself to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship and let your friends go — and did not confront the fact that he lived at home as a fully grown adult and professed that we never wanted to change. These are the things to learn from as you move forward. By ignoring these warning signs you were giving up much of the control needed to get you out of the relationship sooner. The insight you have now is your guide. It is time to put it to use in developing a new relationship.

Give yourself the opportunity to do something different — learning from your insights. It is time to expand your social network. You can begin by joining one of our forums here to get some support for this transition. This online community can help give you some ideas for moving on.

Your insights are now your guidelines for the future. The first thing to realize is that you need to find and maintain friendships, regardless of whether or not you are in an intimate relationship. The work now is for you to build a support network. This will put you in position to get ready for love again.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Depressed About Life Direction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 21st, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

First off thank you for taking the time to read this and, hopefully, reply to it. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible as I know you have a lot of these.

I’m a twenty year old male who is struggling with depression. This is caused by a number of things. Primarily I have been single my entire life and being in a relationship is something that truly matters to me not because of the physical nature of a relationship but because of the emotional connection one receives from it. Another primary cause would be due to the fact that my family beliefs and my own personal beliefs are beginning to diverge. This is a double edged sword because it at once severs a strong connection I’ve had with them over the years and also causes me to believe that life is ultimately pointless as I have been taught that this particular belief is life’s sole purpose.

Secondarily I struggle to gain friendships. I seem to be far more serious and focused deeper issues than my “friends” who never invite me to anything although they hang out with each other frequently.

To further extenuate the problem I believe that the reason I have been so alone and lacking in relationships is because I am far too nice and giving. I am well aware that people tend to think more of themselves then they actually are, but I truly am a “good guy”. I hold open doors, I don’t swear, I almost always put others first and I always have an open ear for others problems. I am genuinely interested in the well being of others. It would seem as though this quality is not desirable among men in this society (America). My desire for a relationship is great but my desire to hold fast to my morals is also great (and there enters the beliefs problem with further confuses the issue).

While each individual problem might be bearable they have, combined, brought me to a very heavy low. I know that many people have lives far more difficult and dire than mine and this ironically only makes me feel worse as I am genuinely compassionate towards these people. I have been brought to what will hopefully be my lowest point. I have considered ending my life a few times but I know how much that would hurt my family. I do not consider myself to be in danger of actually doing it but I suppose that line is what separates the dead from the living.

I’ve many interests but primary among them is psychology. I would be most grateful if you could direct me towards studies, terminologies to look into, and self treatments that might alleviate the issue. I seem to be stuck in several double-binds and I am vaguely familiar that my framework of mind needs to shift somehow but I am unaware as to how it may be shifted. I do not ask you to give me a fish, but a net if you wouldn’t mind that I may catch my own and that my solutions may increase with my predicaments as time progresses.

Thank you much and my apologies for the length.

I would suggest that you read the works of two important authors: Abraham Maslow and M. Scott Peck. Abraham Maslow is important because he studied the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals. Those in the process of self-actualization are thought to be the mentally healthiest individuals. Reviewing those characteristics may provide guidance about how to live, think and view the world.

M. Scott Peck’s most famous work, The Road Less Traveled, is a classic and timeless book. Peck discusses common life problems. He addresses anxiety, depression and how one can change their attitude to improve their life. I would highly recommend it.

In your letter, you provided a rationale for your depression. For example, you and your parents no longer share the same thoughts, opinions and values. You see that as something negative but in reality, nothing is more important than becoming an independent thinker. Maslow observes that many non-self-actualizing individuals don’t know their own thoughts, opinions or values. “Too many people don’t make up their own minds but have their minds made up for them by salesmen, advertisers, parents, propagandists, TV, newspapers, and so on.” In other words, they are not thinking for themselves. The fact the you are beginning to develop your own identity is a sign of growth but that is inconsistent with suicidal ideation.

You are also concerned about not having developed quality friendships. It is very difficult to form true friendships. It is easy to have work friends, school friends, etc. Though those relationships appear to be very real, they are almost always based on convenience. When you are no longer going to school together or working together, they almost always end.

Don’t assume that something is wrong with you. It may be that as you grow and change your values and interests are also changing. That is perfectly normal. In addition, very few people maintain deep personal connections to childhood or adolescent friends. People grow and change and they move apart. That’s the norm.

You also stated another area of concern; never having had a serious relationship. For you that is a sign that something is wrong. An alternative and more realistic explanation may be that you have yet to find the right person to devote your love, time and energy to. That same logic could apply to friendships.

Whenever someone has suicidal thoughts, they should seek therapy. One can be down. Life can be hard. Though this can be endured and may even be necessary to do so, suicidal thoughts are not normal and should never be ignored. Don’t hesitate to see a professional. If you had a rash on your skin, you could read many books on dermatology, take classes at a university and study case histories. I have no doubt you could learn to treat your skin condition but in essence you have done all of the work necessary to become a dermatologist. It would have been much easier to have gone to a specialist who has already done the many years of study. Learning to fish is a relatively easy thing. Learning to diagnose and treat depression is not. Please do not ignore your suicidal thoughts and feelings. They should be brought to the attention of a qualified professional.

I have limited information about your life and history. Thus, my response is limited but a therapist could take the time to learn many details about your life and provide a more thorough analysis. Therapy could also help you to move past this difficult period in your life. I wish you the best luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Do You Get Over Constant Bullying?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 10th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: Hello, I am an eighteen year old from the United States of America.

When I was a child, I used to get bullied all the time about my lisp and young appearance. It started in first grade and lasted until high school. The bullying started as just name calling and exclusion…from the whole class. My bullying case is very different from most cases in America.

Most of the jokes were made about how I said things or how I dressed or how I looked, etc. Then some people pretended to be my friends…and, well, they would give me crappy stuff, but, because I was poor, I treated it like gold so… Another person constantly stole my food and I was always starving…

One of the worse cases was this one girl that would force me to do sexual things…like playing doctor…at seven. She tried to rape me and all the other kids found it so funny that I was nearly raped…What was wrong with these kids?

Of course, it was reported to all the schools I transferred to (about five in total), but none of them did anything even though my family tried so hard. But my family also has a lot of problems like, when I came home, I would come home to my parents always fighting. Always.

The worse year, though, was forth grade. Because I’m trying to get my school sued for this one, but, of course, no one believes me. Because how can something so bad ever happen? My teachers bullied me in forth grade. They would encourage my classmates to bully me too, if they didn’t, they would get bad grades. Even my friends joined in…but, because of all the other things that happen to me, they were probably pretending too…

Yeah, I got confidence issues…and anxiety…and trust nobody, not even myself. I got social anxiety, PTSD and GAD. And, Jesus Christ…how do I get over something like this?

I’m so, so sorry you went through such a difficult time. I ache for that little girl. I think there are some things we don’t get “over” and shouldn’t. Remembering can be a way to prevent painful things from happening again. But we can put them in the past and move on.

There is one big positive part of your story that will help you rebuild your resilience. Your parents believed you and did what they could to help. They were not effective but at least you know that they tried. Hold onto that. In addition, I see a core of strength in you that has somehow let you keep on keeping on despite a horrific history. Hold onto that too.

I’m assuming that you are seeing a therapist since you have a number of diagnoses. If so, working hard with your therapist is where you start. If not, please give therapy a chance. It will take work. It will take time. It will take the pain of revisiting what went on in order to then put it in a place where it doesn’t dominate your life. But people like you who have done such difficult emotional work regularly tell me it was worth it. The past can be put where it belongs — in the past — and you can move toward a happier, confident and successful present and future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Dad Is Manipulating Me for Father’s Day

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 14th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

About 5 years ago, I made a deal with my dad that I would try out 10 episodes of his favorite TV show because he really wanted me to try it. Then he said if I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t have to watch it anymore. I didn’t like it — sci-fi isn’t my genre. Anyway, my dad has asked a few times every year since then if I’ll try the show again, and I always say no and remind him I don’t like it. He says I didn’t give it a fair shot, and basically says anyone would like it. It involves some gory things like worms coming out of someone’s stomach, and I hate watching any violence or gory things. He tries to argue with me about why I’ll like it, but I’ve always hated sci-fi. I’ve offered to watch a show that we both like together. My dad has said multiple times “there’s no way you’re my daughter” or “you can’t be my daughter” since I hate sci-fi. I’m adamant against watching this show because I think he’s not respecting my answer and always wanted his kids to be interested in what he is interested in. He has tried to manipulate me by saying he would do what his father asked, and that if I’m so inflexible on this I’m bound to have problems in future relationships. He has said he doesn’t ask much of me. My dad has guilt-tripped me my whole life and has always been controlling. Maybe my resistance is partially coming from a huge history. Recently he asked again and I said no– I have a big problem being assertive, and I’m practicing sticking up for myself. I very rarely stick up for myself with my dad because he’s so overbearing.

Anyway, he got very angry and now he has said to me that on Father’s Day he wants nothing but for me to watch the show. If I don’t, he will not accept any gifts from me. He says it’s my choice what to do — “you can refuse if you can live with your conscience.” This puts me in a very tough position. I tried to explain my point of view, but he refuses to listen. He says one episode is not a big deal, and that he did things for his father all the time that he didn’t want to do. He asked if I would leave my mother to starve if he was dead and she lost her memory, which is such an unfair comparison. I really don’t know what to do. Do you think I should just give in? If I do, this all goes away and peace will be restored (artificially). But it will be telling him that it’s okay to treat me this way. If I don’t, I can imagine him holding a grudge forever and he gets to look like the victim since it’s Father’s Day. I’m still living with him too, so it may make things that much more difficult. He’s an incredible arguer, and can make me question very easily whether I’m brave and independent or ungrateful and selfish.

It is time to liberate yourself from your father. His imposition has set up an unfortunate dynamic. He is essentially saying he won’t love you if you don’t watch a science fiction TV show. This isn’t a loving gesture — and demonstrates a highly controlling and manipulative stance that does not have your best interest, growth, or respect at heart.

Offer to do something else with him that you would both enjoy — negotiate something if you can. But if he insists you watch the show I would make other plans for Father’s Day. Leave him a card and or present if you desire but capitulating to his request after fully explaining yourself several times would be the wrong thing to do. He has created this consequence, not you. If you watch the TV show (again) the problem, of course, is that this won’t be the last thing. He’ll keep pushing his agenda, and you’ll lose who you are in the process.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Severe ADHD and Sluggishness Are Bringing My Grades Down

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 10th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: I’m an 8th grade boy, I hope I won’t be judged differently or ignored because I am under 18. I have severe ADHD and sluggishness and I find it very hard to incline myself to work or study. I don’t want to lose my future because my grades are going down and i just brush it off and say “maybe next time.” I’m worried because this is also bringing down my confidence, which is one of my key traits and I want to be who I am and have a good future with good grades. Is there any way I can be helped?

Of course there is. But it’s going to take some work on your part. The proper question to ask is, “Is there any way I can help myself?”

We all are born with traits, talents, and, yes, deficiencies. No one is perfect. Part of maturing is accepting that there are things about us that we need to work on and then work on them.

ADHD isn’t dragging your grades down. It is making school more difficult, it’s true. But what is dragging down your grades is that you haven’t taken charge of finding ways to work around the ADHD. That’s the challenge that every kid (and every adult) with ADHD faces. It’s not going to go away. There is no pill or operation or other cure to change it. You have to learn how to be a person with ADHD — just like a person who has a limp has to learn how to get around anyway.

You need to keep “to do” lists and follow them. While doing homework, you need to put yourself in a study environment where you aren’t likely to be distracted. You need to come up with strategies or “games” to trick yourself into staying focused. (Like setting a timer for 5 minutes and seeing how many math problems you can do before it goes off.) There are self help books available that can give you options. (Search “Self-help for ADHD” at Amazon or Barnes and Noble websites.)

Meanwhile, you also need to make life style choices that will maximize your success. You say you are “sluggish.” That makes me wonder if you are getting enough sleep and eating well. Are you limiting caffeine? Are you limiting the number of hours a day you spend on devices? (You shouldn’t be spending more than 2 hours a day that aren’t homework related on screens.) Are you getting 30 minutes to an hour of exercise every day? For you, these things aren’t optional. They are what will make it more possible for you to manage the ADHD.

It probably seems unfair that you have to do so much stuff other kids don’t have to do just to get through the day. It is unfair. But I’m sure someone has already let you know that life isn’t always fair.

Here’s the thing, though. I’ve had lots of kids with ADHD in college classes that I teach. They tell me that having to learn how to manage their disorder early on has helped them be the excellent students they are today. They are more mature and more focused than many of their classmates. Some go on to say that they can multi-task better than most people by using their shifting attention to good advantage. They get good grades. Those who have stayed in touch with me after graduation have told me they used those same skills to be successful in jobs and graduate school and even in their romantic relationships.

So please don’t settle for having a diagnosis. Get busy learning how to play the hand you’ve been dealt in life. When you do, you’ll be much happier and more successful in anything you choose to do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Fear of Doing My Homework and Checking My Grades!!!!

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 6th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have no idea why I have this fear or anxiety. I am taking online classes full-time right now and have been for the last 3 year. I will always start the school quarter off well and be on track with Homework and grades but then if I don’t get online for just one single day (which is completely fine to do. We aren’t required to go online everyday) it becomes extremely hard for me to get back online to do homework and to check my grades.

It is very similar to another fear I have which is when I fear checking my bank account. Except with my school work it has affected my life tremendously and I have failed class after class and have also been kicked out of one school and am now at a new school and the very first quarter I failed all my classes. It’s not because I don’t want to do my home because I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when i do finish my homework and get great grades but for some reason I am so affraid of what I am going to see when I get online. Will I see that I missed something? Will I have failed a test? Will I have an email from my teacher asking me why I haven’t been online? Will my grades be all a failing grade?

So I end up procrastinating to the very last day and last 5 hours of the week before everything is done and sometime I will just not do anything for the week and make excuse like “I will make it up. Or I will be fine” Etc etc….
I am supposed to be graduating this year but instead I’m only in my second year of school because of this problem. I really need help and advice to identify what the hell is wrong with me. I have a psychiatrist that I have tried to explain this too but she gave me some advise to the tune of “ well you just need to get on there and do your homework” Literally that’s all she gave me.

I see her for anti-depressants for depression. And this issue I’m having has been going on even when I was back in high school 13 years ago. So it’s nothing to do with medications i am taking. But I do think it is important to mention that I am a recovering heroin addict and am a few years clean but used heavily for 7 years which I realized later in that I was self medicating for depression I was having.

So any help! ANY! Would be greatly appreciated. Please help me. I don’t even know where to begin with this issue and it’s hard enough to really explain the issue.

Thank you for reading!

First, let me say how much I admire your resilience, persistence, and bravery in staying clean from heroin. These important character traits will help you get through this as well.

It sounds like the psychiatrist is only doing medication evaluation and what you need is someone able to help you with more specific strategies. I recommend you go to the university counseling center and ask to see a therapist proficient in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Your perfectionist concerns are creating a thinking trap that CBT therapists are very good at helping you challenge and change. Once you learn how to identify the thoughts that are generating the fears and procrastination, you will be able to deal with them more directly and make better decisions.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is There Something Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 28th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: My mom thinks that there is something wrong with me. Something that stops me from being nice to everyone that is close to me, like my sibling. She thinks that I WANT to cut off all the joy in my life.

I don’t really know why. When I was really young my dad had died, and because I was so young, it didn’t really have an impact on my life. I really don’t know if there was a void in my life my mom could never fill. My mom would and still gives us the occasional slap on the face. It’s okay though, it’s not like “actual abuse”. It’s just discipline. But either way, I know deep down inside, I am scared of her, because I was always afraid that she would hurt me.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t like to share their feelings. I keep everything bottled up inside, so much so, that sometimes I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t want to people to know that I am vulnerable, and having feelings, to me conveys that you are weak and vulnerable. I stop myself from crying in front of other people. When my mom talks about my “issues” to me, I want to cry, but I never do, I just blink them away really fast.

School has always been an issue as well. My mom wants me to do very well, but I am not capable of that stuff. I’m in all honors and stuff, but she turns into a monster, trying to make me learn math for the quiz that is tomorrow, making me stay up until one or two am. School was just always miserable, but an escape from home.

My mom thinks I truly want to hurt my sister and herself. Me and my sibling fight A LOT. We wrestle, punch, kick each other, and annoy the heck out of each other as well. I love to annoy my sister, but I don’t think I hurt her. My mom feels like I also do the opposite of what she wants me to do. But when I’m not hungry, I’m not going to eat, and I will put up a tantrum if I have to dress up, because I hate dresses. I’m not trying to hurt her, but I am going to do what I want to do.

She thinks it’s so weird that I have no friends, well no close friends. I have a couple of friends but I don’t feel comfortable enough to invite them to my house to just hangout or come to a birthday party. I am a proud antisocial. There is a lot of stuff wrong with me, but my mom thinks I have some sort of mental problem. She thinks that I want to be a mean person, but I am the way I am, I don’t go out of my way to try to be mean to people. I don’t like people and shut them out. But is there something wrong with me and do you know the cause of all of that? Thanks alot.

This will be hard for you to hear, but I’m with your mom. She doesn’t have the best way of saying so, but I think she is right to be concerned about you. Being “mean” is not “just the way you are”. No baby is born into the world to be a mean person. No one comes into the world ready to fight, punch and kick a sibling. No one comes into the world antisocial, proud or otherwise.

I don’t know what is wrong. I only know something certainly is. I hope you will see a counselor who can get to know you and who can help you become the person you are meant to be.

And, please. Don’t refuse services just because it will look like your mother is winning. Real freedom, real independence, means that you do what’s good for you — even if your mother would like it. Take care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Got Tricked into Sex Work, Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 24th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for five years. We are a great fit in all ways, but he frequently questions my integrity and his self-worth.
A few years ago, I took a high paying job as a personal assistant. We were living in a bad neighborhood and I jumped at the opportunity to make more money- without questioning the logistics. It ended up being a personal assistant to a pimp, arranging dates, managing money, and sending out ads for the girls. We talked about what my job would entail, and he was not happy with it, but agreed that we needed the money and it wouldn’t be forever.
A few months after I started, my boss forced me to do something not in my job description. In the situation, I feared for my life, so I obliged.
I didn’t show up for my shift the next day, hoping it would all just go away and I could find a different job quickly. I started receiving threatening phone calls. My boss demanded all the money he had paid me back ($20,000). He had a copy of my ID and social from the hiring process. He made it very clear that my life was in his hands.
I worked as a sex worker for a year and a half to pay him back in full. During that time, my boyfriend found out about it and understandably flipped out. Our marriage plans went out the window, I was forced out of our friend group, and was left to deal with the aftermath alone.
That was two years ago, and we are in a much better place now. But for him, marriage still isn’t on the table and his friends haven’t welcomed me back. He says that he often blames himself for not figuring it out sooner, and blames me for not coming to him for help. I try to explain to him that I was scared to involve anyone else for fear of what would happen to them, but he just doesn’t understand why I didn’t go to the cops. I’m afraid this occurrence will always be a stain on my relationship resume with him, and that he will only see his pain of feeling betrayed and cheated on, when that was not my intention. Can we work towards forgiveness? Or am I wasting my time? (From the USA)

There are several layers here, and I am very appreciative of your courage and resilience in discussing the issues. What is clear is that this isn’t a situation you alone got yourself into. Your boyfriend was very much part of the process and dynamics that got you into the dilemma in the first place. This wasn’t something you did on your own to benefit yourself.

There are three important questions here that you need to answer for yourself. First, is marriage what you want? Are you looking for that in your life at this time or is this relationship good enough for now. In other words, does the relationship you have with your boyfriend meet enough of your needs for now. If marriage is no longer a big deal for you then this might be okay enough.

Does your boyfriend’s unforgiveness knock him out of the running for a good long term partner? If you do want to get married does it feel as if your partner won’t be able to get over this? If marriage is what you want then let him know this in no uncertain terms. If he can’t forgive you and will hold resentment toward you then it is not worth going forward. He may feel that if he forgives you that he will lose his friends, or that he is settling rather than working through. But if he can’t get past this and you want to get married then you’ll have to let him know the relationship can’t go forward. In these terms, he can’t give you what you want and need.

Finally, I’d encourage you both to read this book Forgive For Good, and find a workshop specifically focused on forgiveness. In addition, you may want to find a couple’s counselor who can help the two of you work together on this.

There are two elements of forgiveness. There is forgiveness of the other and unforgiveness. The unforgiveness has little to do with the situation or another person. It has to do with the feelings you have that negatively ruminate about the situation. People can be unforgiving about someone who has passed on — or a situation that is long since dissolved but the bitterness remains.

Perhaps is a good place to start because your unforgiveness of yourself and your boyfriends lack of concern for you during that time may be beneath the whole situation. One way to break this cycle of unforgiveness is with self-compassion. As it’s essence self-compassion is being able to treat yourself like a good friend would treat you. Nurturing yourself in this way can ease the discomfort of the past — while setting the stage for not only being more tolerant of yourself and your boyfriend. Obviously, this works best when both of you work at this level.

Here is a brief video on self-compassion you may find interesting to help you connect with that part of yours or that needs nurturing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Can I Improve My Relationship with My Mother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 20th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in Canada: My mother and I always seem to get into arguments when we speak. Often times when I find myself speaking about my emotions or issues with her, she’ll quickly dismiss them or compare my feelings to others. This makes me feel like my emotions are invalid or not important to her. I’e tried to explain this to her many times, but I don’t think she’ll ever quite understand my point on this.

Because of this, I often try to avoid speaking with her altogether. Even when she makes remarks generally, I find myself annoyed or automatically put off by her opinion.

\I’d like to know what strategies I can use to reduce this habit of continual frustration and annoyance by my mother’s behaviour. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and treat her with the same openness as I can usually manage with others. However, I’m finding it quite hard and I’d like some more information on what this type of phenomenon is called and what I can do to start improving my relationship with her.

Any insights or suggests you may have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Thank you for writing. Let me ask you this: If you find that a door is locked, how many times do you shake the doorknob before you give up? Do you get annoyed with the door? Or do you look for other ways to take care of the situation?

Your mother is who she is. Her ability to deal with emotions is locked up. You have tried everything you can think of to have more intimate conversations with her. She can’t handle it. This is not new information. It doesn’t matter what her behavior might be called. It doesn’t matter that you want things to be different. It doesn’t matter how many different ways you try to make her understand. She just. Can’t. Do. It. (at least for now).

The way to give up a tug of war is to drop your end of the rope. A fight can only happen if you agree to participate. You don’t need her validation for your feelings to be valid. You don’t need to frustrate yourself by trying to change her. You don’t need to continue to frighten her by rattling her locks. That only shuts her down more.

You are asking her to accept you as you are, but you aren’t returning the favor. There are probably good but painful reasons why she can’t handle your feelings that are buried in her own history. She is so fearful of opening up that she can’t even do it for you. Imagine how big that fear must be if she feels she has to avoid that level of intimacy with her own daughter.

My suggestion? Have more compassion. Accept her for who she is. Look to your good friends for validation and support. If you are looking for a romantic partner, do look for someone who is in touch with his own feelings and who can support you in yours. It’s a legitimate need. You deserve to have a partner with whom you can mutually share an emotional and intimate part of life.

Most important, look to yourself. Trust your own instincts and your own sense of what is right to confirm your points of view. It should be enough. If it isn’t, maybe it would be helpful for you to see a therapist to dig into why you keep looking for something from your mother that isn’t there. A therapist can also offer you practical strategies for managing your relationship with her.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Adult Child or Asperger’s

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 8th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with a man in his mid-40’s for over a year, and as a couple without outside influences we have a supportive, loving and kind relationship, and rarely a disagreement. We moved around the corner from his mum but the last 6 months it appears she has tried to manipulatively break us up. I’ll give you some examples. She came into our home and placed photos of him as a child on our fridge and around the house. We only ever socialise with her, friends her age, and while we are at those occasions she superficially talks up her son’s talents, and looks, and how special he is. My partner lovingly tries to talk about things me or my family are also doing, and every single time she changes the subject, or worse, talks about someone she distantly knows that did the same thing or better. My partner tries to enable me to be proud of myself and my family too, but it’s always to no avail. She has completely shattered my confidence, that I don’t speak much anymore. We’ve been trying for a baby for over a year and she told me when she found out that he can’t afford to have a child because he needs her permission because he owes her money (he doesn’t owe her much). She then tried to convince me to break up with him and go out with my best friend. They have told me for some time the family does not celebrate birthdays, but recently for my partner’s 45th all her friends starting saying his mum was organising a dinner. He said my mother won’t decide for me who I spend my birthday with. I want to spend my day with you.. Next thing, a motorcyclist had bumped the side of her car, no one was injured but he said his mum was in a catatonic state. He then told her she could organise her dinner because she wanted to. We got there, and she had pulled out of her catatonic state pretty brilliantly, with balloons you’d see at 12 year olds party and her two closest friends. I couldn’t get a word in much at this dinner, but one of her friends said she was looking for a husband, and his mum said, darling you should marry her. It’s all caused me so much pain. (From Australia)

This has nothing to do with Asperger’s. You partner has to step up and confront his mother about her shenanigans. This is simply an immature manipulative effort on his mother’s part. It isn’t worth your time or effort to continuing a relationship with someone that doesn’t accept you. He needs to explain to her exactly what she is doing and how destructive it is. Once this is done –confront her every time she does something that undermines you, and both of you praise her and validate her when she does something supportive. If she doesn’t respond in a reasonable amount of time I’d begin severely limiting time and contact with her.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong with Me, But Know Something Is

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 7th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am alone on a daily basis since I can remember, at one and a half years old I got a nanny so both my parents could work. I always stayed in kindergarden and elementary school until 5 or 6 pm, my only friend was my older sister and there the friendship came almost only from my side, because she had friends of her own and I was a bother. In 6th grade people first started talking to me, and I didn’t know what to do or how to react to the things they did, I am still not sure sometimes. I first started paying attention to the people around me. Everyone else was intense to me, I didn’t know what to do when they were in a certain mood. I am not even sure how to handle the emotions of my sister. When someone cried, others came to them, they worried and tried to comfort them. I could look at the crying kid as long as I wanted, I didn’t really feel anything. But it is not like I didnt feel anything. I am pretty sure I feel as much as everyone else, just at the wrong place and wrong time. I don’t talk with my parents about it, I think I bother them. I would like to talk to someone about it, but I wouldn’t know what to say. I just feel out of place. When people actually talk to me, which almost never happens, I don’t know what they actually want from me, even if they perfectly articulate themselves. I never had enough experience with, well, people to know how to comfort someone, to calm someone down, to lead a conversation. I am partly afraid to do the wrong thing, say something wrong, gesturing wrong, act out of place as ever. Also I just have no clue what to do. As I already said, I am pretty sure I have as many emotions as everyone else. I feel numb on a regular basis, but I think everyone has that. But I have a problem with showing emotion, I don’t show what I feel and I have a blank face for almost all the time. I do it subconsciously and only found out because someone asked me about it. I would like to be like everyone else, but I don’t know what is wrong either. (From Germany)

  Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like the time you spent alone, having to occupy yourself, has created a bit of a hesitancy. I believe this something can can change with some practice over time.

First, let me direct you to our forums. These will allow you to talk more about what you are feeling and you will soon discover that you are not alone. This is a great place to get ideas and support about how to change.

Secondly, I would recommend you find a club, or class, or connection in your high school where you are learning and working with others who share your interests. This is a very good way to warm up to the idea of connecting.

Finally, I’m going to suggest you try to talk to at least one new person a day. Simply saying hello will do. The goal is to develop the skill of reaching out — and not to wait for the inspiration to come to you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Do I Need Help for My ‘Eating Disorder’

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. May 6th, 2023
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I started binging and purging almost two years ago, because of my extreme depression. I also started reducing my food intake so much that I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I’ve never been the correct weight for my size. I’ve always been underweight, so a large amount of weight loss is pretty significant. i went into therapy to treat the depression, but the food issues were never mentioned. Now, I’m still binging and purging. I eat as little as possible, and exercise when I can. I’m purging when I feel I’ve eaten more than I should have, which is every day at least. My friends have noticed my purging. A girl I liked gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t at least try and get help we couldn’t be together. Stress is my middle name. I have issues at home, school, work, every aspect of my life is difficult. I ruin every relationship i am in, whether with friends or family. My self-esteem is very low, and i hate my body. I’m completely blind, so it’s just a bit more complicated. I am also albino so I’m really pale, and people are always staring at me. My grades are good, and I’m a perfectionist. I don’t think i have a problem. It’s just how I live my life. Do I really need help, or are people just jealous of me?

A:  Usually if someone asks, “Should I get help for…,” I typically answer with a yes. If it’s been on your mind and you are struggling with how to handle it on your own, why not get help? In your case, you already have experience with therapy so it won’t seem like such a huge leap to address another concern.

Not all therapists are trained in picking up on an eating disorder, and ultimately it is the client’s responsibility to bring the issues to the therapist that you want (or think you need) help with. Unlike some professional relationships, psychotherapy is a collaborative one.

You state that you purge daily, the binging and purging has been going on long enough to know that it is not just a “phase,” and you have had significant weight loss, so taking all that into consideration, I do recommend that you address these issues in therapy. In my experience, an eating disorder is often an outward sign of an internal struggle such as self-esteem or body image issues. It can be a way to have some control when you feel that much of your life is out of control. The good news is that you can learn many other coping skills that will not harm you and will ultimately lead to feeling much better about yourself.

Thank you for writing in, and I hope that you get some help soon.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Obsession with Potentially Being Gay

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 30th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a 21-year-old female who is just moving out. At the end of last summer, I suffered from a UTI. With only female coworkers and insecurity about having a relationship, I jumped to the conclusion that the feeling was due to attraction to my coworkers. I was eventually treated for the UTI, and the constant pressure went away, however, the paranoia of being gay remained. This is not the first time my anxiety had fixated on a specific topic like this.

I have only been attracted to males in the past, and within the past year that hasn’t changed. I still only feel attracted to males. I typically am very envious of people in relationships, however, the past year I have felt uncharacteristically apathetic towards relationships. I am constantly bombarded with “What if”thoughts about being gay, to which I feel as if I need to disprove.

To disprove these thoughts I spend my time going back and analyzing my past, as well as my current actions and mannerisms. If I find anything that could be seen as remotely ‘gay’, I am typically sent into a panic and have to resort to looking at pictures of old crushes online, as well as taking (truthfully fake) “Are You Gay” quizzes. Along with this, I have sexual intrusive thoughts about everyone (including friends and family). I know I’m not attracted to these people, and these thoughts make me want to isolate myself, for the fear that I am a bad person for having them.

Recently my google search history has led to an increased amount of LGBT content being advertised to me on Instagram and Snapchat due to web tracking. As a result, I have deleted my social media because I feel so panicked whenever I see anything of the sort. I can no longer watch shows I once enjoyed. I know my actions seem absurd. I just feel so defeated. Being gay would ruin nearly all of the life plans I have laid out for myself, I have looked forward to having a boyfriend for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am at an age where I should be looking at finding a husband and settling down, but I feel like this is preventing me from doing so.

I just don’t feel like myself anymore and I don’t know what to do. (From the USA)

Thank you for having the courage to speak about this identity and anxiety concern. There is a history in psychology of classification of this type of anxiety. It is no longer part of the diagnostic and statistical manual (the diagnostic reference tool for clinicians published by the American Psychiatric Association), but had once been referred to as a homosexual panic, or as Kempf’s disease. It also had some impact on the legal profession which is also no longer used.

I only mention the history for a reference point that people have struggled with the anxiety over their sexual identity for a long time. Your focus on the internal struggle is where I would put your effort. Thinking you are a bad person for having these thoughts, or being unable to manage sexually intrusive thoughts, is where the anxiety can best be managed. For this, I would recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Here is some information put out by the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. Therapists who work in this modality are able to help you with strategies for challenging these intrusive thoughts.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Wife Connects with Men Online

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 16th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My wife continues to connect with men online but says she does it to bring back passion into our relationship. My wife and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for 30 years (married for 20). Sex has never been very important to her and we are intimate a dozen or less times a year. We deeply care for each other and I have suppressed my own sexual needs to accommodate her lower desire. We have two children and over the last several years have lost a bit of our connection. I have found my wife connecting with other men on social websites and engaging in flirtatious messaging that turns into sexual chatting and even phone conversations six times over the last couple of years. I have confronted her each time I have found out and she says it is innocent and would never turn physical and that she only wants to bring passion back into our relationship. These relationships are emotional affairs in my opinion and hurt very deeply and make it hard for me to trust and connect with my wife. I have also not witnessed her bringing any passion back to me.

We have tried working with two different MFT’s and both times my wife clams up and feels attacked and gets defensive. I have worked on myself with a therapist for a couple of years and I am trying to improve my communications. When I take responsibility for my part of our problems, she very easily shifts the focus on me for everything.

I just recently discovered that she is connecting with another man online again and I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of being lied to and deceived. Her false promises to truly work on our relationship are harder to believe, but I still lover her and I want to work things out for us and our kids sake. I am just not sure she can or will focus on our relationship. She tells me she loves me, but that something is missing for her and she can’t put her finger on it.

I have suggested going to sex therapist together to work on our intimate relationship and connection, but I am afraid it will be a waste of time again. I desperately want to see my wife be a proactive partner in repairing our relationship, but I am not sure she can or will.

I am not sure how to go forward, any suggestions?

Thank you for your email. The emotional affairs your wife is engaged in involves systematic betrayal. Although you’ve tried to address the problem correctly, she continues to undermine the relationship and has failed to take adequate responsibility. It is important not to minimize this ongoing betrayal. Clearly, she is not giving your relationship the priority it deserves. It is probably time to move on from a marriage and family therapist — to a divorce mediator.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Never Feel Good Enough

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 14th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, first of all I’m going to thank you for taking time to read my story. I’m 14. I wil start off by saying that my parents are divorced. I go one week with my m an other week with my dad. When I was little my parents used to fight, Horible fights, when I close my eyes I can hear them telling at each other, other than yelling at them selves my mom used to yell at me, to the point where she went pysco. Se kicked things,pulled my hair, throw things, said things to me that still hurt when I remember them. I grew like that all the time. When my patents fought I would be in my room crying my eyes out. Time went by and my dad got tired of being in that situation so he divorced my mom, he said it was the best I was 7 at the moment.

I agreed that it was the best things to do so I don’t have to hear them fight al the time. My mom made this insane lie that she couldn’t feel part of her face because of all the stress , she blamed my dad for everything. My mom and me were renting an apartment with her cousin and it was fine, my dad had an apartment as well but by himself. My mom met this guy and they’re married now, I should be happy but I’m not.. I accepted him though. Sometimes she wanted me to go to his house to get to meet him but I didn’t want to do she went into a phyco mood and started yelling and yelling, I ddnt get why ? It was her life not mine.. When I get mad I tend to cry. I dont yell or anything I keep everything inside and cry as my way to express how I feel. I ended up going and it always was like that.

My mom always wants everything her way she doesn’t care of anyone who she stomps on to get why she wants. I was 11 at this point, my dad didn’t like the guy my mom married and he still doesnt. Me and my mom are in a fight right now she kicked me out of the house and told me horrible things and that I’m not a good daughter. I think she’s not the best mom either,

I always try to be the daughter she wants.. Im never good enough. I close my eyes and I can remember all I went through. Her words buzz around my head, I think I’m marked forever.. I’m scared of her. My dad is the only person there for me he listens to me and he’s the best person in the world. One day my mom was angrily brushing my hair pulling my hair back into a pony tail and she hit me with the brush I turned around and she tried to hit me again but I grabbed her arm and pushed her back, my mind went black, I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like I wasnt thinking I just reacted, I don’t even want to remember what happens after that, I keep so much inside I don’t tell anyone, I can’t trust anyone.

In school I’m smart I have good grades and I’m trying to get into a good college but I have self confidence issues and really low self esteem. IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Everything is wrong with me. My mom told me I was fat. I believed it everyday I looked at te mirror and hated my self my mind was devestated. I’m putting this out here at 1:40am because as I’m laying in my bed those moment go thought my head and they hurt me, in so many ways. Please help me.

Thank you so much for writing. Your letter is an important step in your own healing. It shows me that you know in your heart that you didn’t deserve the treatment you had from your mom when you were little and you don’t deserve it now. Now we need to help you get your head in line with your heart.

You’re just like any other kid. You want your mother to love you. You long for her approval. You hope you will find some little thing that you can do to convince her to love you as a mother should.

I’m very sorry to have to tell you that it’s unlikely you will get what you are longing for. I can’t offer you an explanation for your mother’s behavior since I don’t have enough information. But from what you say, she has never been able to put other people’s needs ahead of her own, even her own child’s. She doesn’t give you love and comfort because she can’t. If a well is dry, it can’t give you water. At some point, it only makes sense to be sad about it but to go looking for another well.

In your case, you are lucky. There really are other “wells” of love available to you. Your dad is there for you. I’m guessing your teachers also think you’re smart and promising. At 14, you’ve grown up enough to know that you can survive without your mother’s care. You do need love but you don’t need hers. It’s time to do the grieving that comes with that realization and to reach out to others for the emotional and physical support a young girl needs and deserves.

Please ask yourself why you are choosing to believe your mom over your dad. You yourself call your mom “Psycho” but then you let her opinion take over the good opinions of your dad, your teachers, and even yourself. Open your mind and your heart to the people who really do think you are quite good enough as you are. They are right. Your mother isn’t.

It might be helpful for you to find a therapist to help you make the shift. Giving up on your mother won’t be easy after so many years of longing. To let yourself feel good about yourself is to give up on the argument you’ve been having with your mother. You really don’t need to convince her of a thing if you can embrace the reality that you are a good, smart, insightful, and attractive person. On some level, you already know that. But it just might be helpful to have a therapist help you connect with what you know is true.

As you enter your teens, it is a good time to do this work. A strong self-esteem will help you better manage the high school social scene and relationships. Appreciating your own talents and intelligence will let you do well in school. With a foundation of self-respect, you’ll be better able to have the future you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Shy, Awkward Teen Wants Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 10th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I need help. 🙁 I’m 18 and I have several problems going on in my life. I am a shy (male) senior student in high school unsure of my plans of what to do in college and how to get a scholarship in the art world. What is holding me back is lack of self-confidence. I’m not the person that I want to be. I have attempted many times to be outgoing, but as always come off socially awkward. Sometimes I fear of what people may think of me. I am sometimes unable to understand what people are saying to me. I don’t have any close friends, just aquaintances that I talk every now and then at school. No one ever calls me on the phone. My mood can strangely change in a single school day. At one time, I am depressed. Another time, I am laughing for no absolute reason to myself during a class session.

I become so angry when my dad tries to point out my problems with me lacking a driver’s license at the age of 18. I always fail to communicate my feelings based on his criticism. My social skills are terrible. It takes me forever to answer a simple question. I do not make eye contact most of the time, I stare at the ground. I hate myself for getting so bent out of shape when someone is trying to help me with my issues.

Another problem I like to share is that I am unaware of a environment filled with groups of people. As I’m sitting at a resturant, I am afraid to look around at times. Whenever I walk, I look straight forward without turning my head. Even when me and my sister went to Chick-Fil-A, I walked straight passed her on the way out the door, without realizing she was right there. And I thought she was already in the car ready to go.

People look at me funny whenever I go to public places. My parents point out I am not aware of my facial expressions. I often look in the mirror to help fix this problem.

That is all I have to share.

If you do not reply back, thank you for at least taking your time out and reading this. Thank you, Psych Central. 🙂

Hi. Thanks so much for writing and asking for help. That’s the first important step in making change. Bear in mind, please, that I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But what you are describing is consistent with the experiences of a person with Aspergers Syndrome. People with Aspergers are socially awkward, have trouble making eye contact and tend to be concerned with a narrow range of interests. Often they find the stimulation of large groups of people or a noisy environment overwhelming. Intelligence ranges from very, very smart to intellectually disabled. Since you’ve made it to senior year in spite of your issues, I suspect you are on the very, very smart end of the continuum.

If I’m right, the most important thing I want you to know is that being an Aspie (an affectionate term for people with the syndrome) isn’t the end of the world. Many of my best friends and some of my family members are Aspies. I think they would all tell you that there are some challenges they’ve had to work hard to overcome but their ability to focus on what they really love makes it worth it to them. By the way: Many tell me they have spent hours in front of a mirror teaching themselves how to make appropriate facial expressions.

I suggest you ask your parents to get you an evaluation. Criticism and correction aren’t going to help you. Working with a therapist who has experience with Aspergers will. You can learn how to interact more acceptably and, more important, more comfortably with others.

Meanwhile, you also need some serious coaching if you want to go to art school. It takes more than self-confidence. Most schools require a portfolio. I suggest you see the art teacher at your school for help with that. Then see your guidance counselor to figure out which schools might have a scholarship program you qualify for.

Thank you for your courteous letter. I can sense that you are a warm and interesting person. You just need some help to let others see it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Grandparents are Overstepping Boundaries

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 30th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My in-laws are insistant that they can buy whatever they want for my daughter (she is 22 months old) It has bothered me but I have kept the peace. For Easter they bought her a live baby bunny as a pet after my husband and I said no. They tried to give it to her at a time when my husband was not there. I refused their gift and my mother in law yelled at me saying they would not have rules as grandparents and would do whatever they wanted in front of my daughter. She stopped speaking to me after this and I wrote an email days later calling them disrespectful for buying a pet for my 1 year old after we said no. It has now been almost 2 months and MIL would not speak to us. I emailed to see what we needed to do to be a family again and she demanded I apologize to her or she wouldn’t get past this. I did and then she said she didn’t accept, continues to insist she will do whatever she wants and we are still not speaking. I want to get past this. But I want respect. If we (the parents) say no-no one has the right to do something against our wishes for our child. And I’m just talking things that are not appropriate for a child her age. They didn’t consider that we have 2 cats and a dog already in our home, or that we would be responsible for the expense of the bunny, that my daughter is not old enough to care or be responsible for a pet and therefore it falls on me. I’m sorry it hurt their feelings that we said no but its our my child. Can our realtionship be saved for the sake of my daughter?

Your in-laws are way out of line. As far as I can tell, you have done nothing wrong. You have the right to set reasonable boundaries around your in-laws’ relationship with your child. The important word is “reasonable.” It is certainly reasonable for you to not want another pet. You’re right that you would end up caring for it. It is not reasonable for your mother-in-law to think she can do and say anything she wants just because she is a grandmother. That entitlement doesn’t come with the job description.

Where is your husband in all of this? You shouldn’t be negotiating boundaries on your own. This is an important developmental milestone in the maturing of your own family. Your husband, their son, needs to be clearly on the same page with you. The two of you – together – need to decide what is in the best interests of your child. You need – together – to have a loving talk with your in-laws. You can certainly tell them that you appreciate their interest in your daughter. You can tell them how important it is for your daughter to have loving grandparents. But you can also tell them that it isn’t appropriate for them not to honor your role as your daughter’s parents. It isn’t at all supportive of your authority as parents if your daughter understands that she can always appeal to a “higher court,” her grandparents. It isn’t healthy for her to grow up with tension between the two generations of people who love her.

When you have this conversation, it’s important that you stay loving and clear, not angry. Engaging in an argument gives the impression that you can be talked out of your position. Supporting each other means staying clear and rational.

I sincerely hope that you and your husband can work together to resolve this situation. Often grandparents like these do back off when they realize that the younger couple really means it when they assert boundaries.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Big Problem with In-Laws

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 27th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a big problem with dealing with my in laws. Actually, my boyfriend and me is getting along together for over 7years. There was no problem with my in laws at early years. But the problem began when I started studying abroad. Actually, my BF’ cousin, my sis in law, went to study BBA and she came back because she couldn’t study even the Foundation of Business English Class, not the Credit courses. But for me, I went to study MBA and I am OK with my studying. We went to the different countries and universities. At first I thought there was nothing concerning between my studying and hers. But unfortunately, she extremely jealous and gossiping about me in her relations. Although she is first cousin to my BF, their families lived together and they are like siblings. Especially, my BF’ mom love her like her own daughter. That’s the main point. My mother in law believe and accept whatever she and her own family said. Not only her, but also her mom hate me when I start studying abroad. She even talk and insult about my personality and character. For example, at the early months I went studying abroad, she and her family said ‘she cant study long coz she is not qualified’. But when I am ok with my studying, they said ‘she will become worse than a sexual worker and will cheat my bro cousin’ (yeah, they said even like that). But, when I am perfect with my personality, they (she and her family) said, ‘Ah! Nothing happened? Yeah. Because she is abnormal now coz she live alone without her family’. When my sis in law tried to study abroad, both and her family moved.
The main problem is that my BF’ mother believe and talked to me very very badly starts from over 1year ago.(She talked to me like a street dog). At the first time, I couldn’t even talk back a word to her because I was so surprise as we had a good relation. She did for twice but thanks for God, its a phone conversation and I drop the phone and never called her again. (But, now she pretend to be a good one whenever by boyfriend is with her and she said ‘I never said like that’ )
That jealous girl always tried to separate my BF and me with so many ways. I cant stand what they do. Coz they always talk about me badly to my BF, their relations and friends. As for me, I cant stand even a minute about that because my improving career is not like stealing her brain and her life. Hers is hers and mine is mine.
Start from there, I have been always angry with them. Like they stole my time by thinking about their nonsense gossip and insulting. Although my BF support me, I am not relieve of that. I often cried out suddenly and fight to my BF by telling about them but he never fight me back. He just say ‘Its not me Honey. Its them. Sorry for I cannot control them. But I will love you forever and will be more good to you’.
I don’t like this feeling. I had my peaceful life. I really miss my sound and peace past. I do hate them. But I also hate that feeling. I want to live without thinking them. I want to live peacefully whenever they have their family special occasions because I have to always worrying that whether they forced my BF to marry other girl (like they always do)or not and tell that how bad is my university and career and how bad is my personality.
I want to conquer them and my bad feeling. I do want to conquer them. On the other hand, I want to be in better place (education and personality)to make them more and more jealous. But this feeling drive me away and away from my peaceful life. I don’t know how to handle them and my feeling.
Please help me.

It is time to get your boyfriend involved more directly and have him deal with his family directly. He is too passive and you need more direct support from him. It is true he cannot control them, but he can explain how disappointed he is in them, how it is both disrespectful and unacceptable to treat you this way. Your accomplishments need to be a source of pride, not the target of jealousy. The only reason you have to put up with them is because of your relationship with your boyfriend. It is time for him to stand with you and support you and confront his family.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia, Compulsions

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 23rd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I can’t find it in myself to look forward to anything-everything is fleeting to me. I can only think negatively about anything as it is too exhausting for me to be optimistic. I constantly think about suicide but know that I don’t have the guts for it. Sometimes I feel like a god- smarter than everyone else and 5 steps ahead, other times I feel suffocated by my thoughts of nothing mattering, oblivion, bleakness. I feel hollow and empty sometimes. I have never experienced a manic episode, the closest would be impulse buys but nothing too bad. I feel like I have episodes of depression where my body feels sore, I can’t think about anything besides death, and wish to be in a year-long comatose or something. Every day is a struggle for me, I wake up with anxiety and when it prolongs itself through the day I feel so exhausted by it then depressed because of it. So many of my issues seem existential and therefore unsolvable to me unless I adopt an ignorance is bliss attitude but I’ve tried and physically can’t. I’m on 100mg of lamotrigine but I don’t know if I am worse or nothing changed at all. I just can’t find anything to stay happy about. Any time I ‘sense’ a disturbance, I immediately speculate the worst-case scenario and convince myself I am going to be broken up with, ghosted, or left alone. I feel like i am emotionally manipulative and have no control over some of the toxic aspects of my personality. For instance, when I feel like my BF is not giving me attention or something I go to the bathroom and cry until he finds me. I think that is awful of me. There are other behaviors related to that that i cannot control.
I feel like I am unbalanced beyond repair.

I am glad that you have taken the time to explain all of these uncomfortable and difficult symptoms. I think it is a good start and I want to dive right into your narrative because I believe it holds some important clues about a pathway for your recovery. Let’s start with your first 3 opening sentences.

“I can’t find it in myself to look forward to anything-everything is fleeting to me.” What is striking about your description is that it begins with you in search of you: “I can’t find it in myself…” I don’t want to minimize this because there is a very healthy part of you that is experiencing an unhealthy—or at least non-optimal part of you. That same healthy part then goes on to say: “. I can only think negatively about anything as it is too exhausting for me to be optimistic.” Again, in an important way you are saying that you know how to challenge these unhealthy thoughts by being optimistic—but that it is difficult because it is exhausting. Then you explain this struggle at its very core: “I constantly think about suicide but know that I don’t have the guts for it.”

In each of these opening sentences (and every other one as you review them), there is a healthy you that is being challenged by unhealthy responses. The healthy part is the one frustrated by the lack of progress and the one that is trying to get the right combination of forces together to feel better. It is up against the unhealthy part that, right now, is hijacking your healthy part and having you do things (like manipulating your BF) that your healthy part sees as “awful.”

Your last sentence has gotten it exactly right in the part that says you feel unbalanced—but this is definitely NOT beyond repair. You being able to notice and feel what is not okay tells us that the healthy part is what needs to emerge and grow. I am suggesting you do two things to make this happen.

The first is to learn about your character strengths by going to this website. Character strengths are something that, when used properly, bring us back into balance. They have to do with things like our persistence, gratitude, self-regulation, etc. Learning about them and how to use them is one of the best ways to bring yourself back into balance. Take the character strength survey on the site and follow the instructions about using your strengths more.

Finally, I would encourage you to work with a therapist to help speed this process along. The Find Help tab at the top of this page will help you find someone in your area.

Thanks for writing in and let us know how you’ve done!

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to Deal with Someone Who Is Obsessed with You

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 21st, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I think this boy that goes to my school is obsessed with me. We met through skype and he hasn’t given me a moment to myself since. He’s a very good friend but he wants to talk/call with me every single day and i need some time to myself. During school he follows me around all day sometimes without even saying anything. I almost always have to start the conversations. He is so quiet because he told me that he gets very bad stomach aches and starts shaking whenever he is near me. He still has these even though we have been talking almost every day since august. I don’t like to see him sick like this but he insists on always being with me. He told me he wants to go out with me but i told him i just want to be friends. I feel awful because he likes me a lot but I don’t feel the same way. In January i finally told him that i needed some time to myself but he started crying and he kept apologizing that he was such a pest and he said he would leave me alone. I didn’t want to make him cry so in an effort to calm him down I told him I didn’t mean it and I don’t actually think that.He also gets mad if I do something he doesn’t like, some examples are when we first started talking I didn’t say good morning enough to him. He told me he felt like I didn’t care about him and he was very angry with me because of this, he started texting to me in all caps and looked annoyed at school. I thought it was an extremely stupid thing to get upset about. Another time was when my friends downloaded halo(a pc game)at school and I played it with them “too much” in the morning before school (20mins). He told me I was being very selfish because I wouldn’t have a conversation with him. So I stopped. But he is still quiet when around me. More recently he told me he has been suicidal and is extremely depressed because we haven’t been calling enough even though we text every.single.day. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to hurt his feelings or worse. help. (From the USA)

 It sounds like you already know what to do but aren’t quite able to do it yet. That is a different thing than not knowing. You sound very clear that you do not like to be smothered by this boy, feel too controlled by him, that he makes you feel guilty, and is blaming you for his depression and suicidal thoughts. None of this is okay. The fact that he has shared that he has been suicidal changes everything. This is not healthy — and not something you can manage on your own. I would immediately talk to the guidance counselor in your high school and let him or her know that this is going on. Your friend needs help and you being nice to him because you are worried about him emotionally is an indication that he needs more help than you can give. In some ways it is like being bullied: he uses he emotions to try and control your behavior.

Please make this a priority. Your friend needs help from others. The best thing you can do as a friend is help him best by letting others know he is having thoughts of hurting himself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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