I was always different. My IQ was higher than average and I had always been smarter until a few years ago when I moved to Houston. By then I was just average in everything. While I don’t have a problem with it my family still criticizes me every time I get a grade that not an A. When I got into middle school it got worse and I started failing. My grades, self-esteem, and my general mindset just dropped. I’ve never been suicidal but I’ve cut myself and sometimes still do. But I don’t do it because I want to die but because I just like the pain. I generally like the color of blood and the feeling I get when my skin breaks. I cut to feel human, to feel real. Sometimes I feel like I know too much right from wrong. Some people don’t know right from wrong but I feel like I know too much of what’s right and wrong. I always feel so drained and it’s physically impossible for me to focus of anything. I can’t stop thinking. My mind is racing constantly and it very hard for me to fulfill easy tasks such as my homework or my chores. I generally don’t have the energy nor do I have the mental capacity to do so. I get distracted easily and have a hard time getting back on track. I take pain killers a lot and have anxiety about accidentally overdosing but at the same time, I enjoy the adrenaline I get from them. I never sleep and when I do it’s only for a couple of hours. My brain can never pick one emotion and I never know how I feel at a specific time. I mix up reality with fiction often making it difficult to know what’s real. I over-analyze everything and it is physically impossible for me to cry. No matter how hard I try I can’t cry and I hate it. I know what I’m supposed to do and that what I am doing with my life is a waste but I do it anyway. I know that if I die tomorrow I will regret everything but if I ever did go back i would do the same thing all over again. I don’t even know how to explain it all. Just please help me figure out how to fix myself. (From the USA)
Your articulate description and narration of what’s been happening reveal your courage and intelligence. You are clear in knowing when the changes happened—what is missing is the why.
I will highly recommend that you ask to begin therapy. If, for some reason, you cannot, I’d make an appointment with your school counselor. The move to Houston is when everything changed. While, of course, it would impossible for me to know for sure the first thing I would have you talk about is the reason for the move and your feelings about it. Often, dramatic changes in a way a person feel and acts and behaves come form a loss that has occurred. I would start asking questions about the cause and the losses that may have accompanied the move. This may or may not unearth some of the hidden reasons for what has been happening, but at least it will rule out these possibilities as causes.
Do not wait. Look to be talking to someone sooner rather than later.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
