I have been with my husband for 7 years. We work great together, sometimes it feels like I married my best friend. However, after having a long distance relationship for about one year I find that my feelings for him are starting to fade. I am afraid that I am falling out of love. I still enjoy talking to him over Skype, but I don’t really miss him. However, he seems to miss me a lot and can’t wait to be together again.
Last time we were together we did have fun and I enjoyed his company, but the physical attraction was almost completely gone. And I hate myself for not feeling as attracted to him as he seems to feel for me.
I also start to get annoyed by things that did not use to bother me. For example, he does not follow the news or show any interest in problems in society that I love discussing.
In four months, he is moving back with me and we will be living together again. I am hoping that I can fall back in love with him, but I am not sure if it is possible. Is it? Or am I lying to myself?
Another problem is that I have become increasingly aware of a special connection with a good friend of mine. We are not exactly flirting, but during a party we shared a look that definitely was not platonic (hard to describe the tension, but it was intense). Almost right after he asked how my husband feels about moving back to my country, instead of the other way around as originally planned. Later on in the night he acted a bit off and kept telling his other friend that he might have to leave before he does something stupid.
Now, I know that just a shared look/moment should not be something to get worked up about, but I am afraid that I might be falling for him instead (obviously, not just because of that, there are many reasons).
At the same time, I would rather not risk ruining our friendship and I think he might feel the same way. The next day we both pretended like nothing happened and talked like we always do, except we both avoided keeping eye contact for too long. Now I am really afraid we might not be able to hang out like we used to. I really value our friendship and I am angry at myself for feeling something deeper than friendship for him when I am already married. I feel like I am betraying my husband emotionally.
I know these are two problems in one, but they are not unrelated. I was starting to feel like I was falling out of love before that weird moment with my friend but sharing that moment seem to have brought the issue into sharper focus.
Can I fall back in love with my husband and can I save my friendship? (From Finland)
The attraction to your friend is a symptom of the weak and unsettled feelings in your marriage. This means that you must first solve the question of whether or not your marriage is still viable. If your marriage was not in jeopardy the less-than-platonic looks would not have happened.
I didn’t read anywhere in your letter that you talked to your husband about these feelings. This is the first step. I would encourage you to talk about what’s going on so that you and he can have a chance to fix it. If he doesn’t know, he can’t do anything about it. It sounds like your marriage is least it is worth talking about. If you act on the other relationship without talking about your feelings with your husband it will still leave you unsettled. I recommend working with the couples counselor to sort these feelings through.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
