A lot of things have happened in my life that can be considered life changing problems for others – not me. My parents got divorced, my dad hooked up and got pregnant, I’ve had/still have to deal with my mums illness… so why does none of this bother me until I start thinking? Once I start thinking, I think about every single problem in my life and I cry. I cry myself to sleep. I’ve had thoughts of uselessness and suicide. Don’t worry – I’m way too weak to actually kill my self. I tried cutting… got too scared, failed and gave up. For some reason I like it when I get hurt by accident. I don’t know why but I feel proud even if I have a little paper cut. One time I used a weighted hula hoop and expected to get bruises but when I didn’t, I felt disappointed. Maybe I want the attention? I’m not so sure myself.
Anyway, I also sometimes get really sad for no reason or if there is a reason it’s only minor. When I tried oragami, I couldn’t do part of it and got really frustrated. I felt like destroying what I’d made but just cried instead. If there is no reason for me being sad, I get even more sad for not knowing why I’m sad.
I had a breakdown once when I was on a school holiday and sharing a room with my best friend since forever. I cried for ages and told her everything. When I told her I thought something was wrong with me she told me I was being stupid and I’m probably just overthinking things. I guess she could be right but if so, how do I stop thinking about it? That was last year in July.
I started having bad thoughts about myself in year 6, just under 3 years ago. I blamed the recent breakup in my friendship group and my hormones. My personality changed a lot back then, I would lash out at people… I don’t know why. I lost a good friend because I just constantly argued with her (it was more me having a go at her). So why did I suddenly get so moody and argumentative?
People also describe me as emotionless. I think I am on the outside. I don’t portray my emotions, I just keep it all inside. (From England)
I am so sorry you are having so many difficulties. But this isn’t paranoia. What I hear is a young woman who is persistently courageous in trying to figure out what is wrong and trying to fix it. At 14 we need someone on your side as it seems your mom and dad haven’t been much help. If I’m wrong about that (and I hope I am) ask one or both of them to take you to a therapist. If that seems too much of a stretch for them to do — or they are unwilling — ask them to take you to a physician because you are not feeling well, which is true. When you talk to the physician ask him or her to help. They can help you understand why your moods fluctuate and what you can do about it.
You need an adult to help you get to the next level so it can be determined what will help. Perhaps a teacher of school guidance counselor can lead you in the right direction. If there is a family member, a grandparent or aunt that could help that would be good. The point is you did a brave thing by reaching out here and I am encouraging raging you to take the next step and reach out for an adult who can help you.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
