I’m 18 and have never had a romantic experience of any sort and never came close to having such an experience either. I know it’s atypical and that destroys me emotionally with the kind of insecurities that it causes me to have.
I think it is in part because of the fact that I am overweight but I’ve lost a lot of weight and have been able to keep it off, so it’s not much of an issue for me anymore. I’m way more confident in my looks now, even though I’d still have to lose a little more weight. I’m optimistic about it. Anyways, I am sure it has a lot to do with who I am as a person. I’m generally nice to anybody, I try to make people laugh and feel good but I’m also very rational and analytical and focus on the negative side of the situation a lot of the time—because that’s what I wanna change, so I feel it’s constructive to point out what’s not working. I have no grace and barely any femininity in general. I don’t dance, I barely flirt, I don’t begin conversations with strangers or, in other words, I don’t even seem available. Not because I wouldn’t want to but because all of the things that incidentally make me seem so I simply hate doing. My two main interests are also rather uncommon: politics and philosophy. I like who I am but I don’t think guys are attracted to that and I’m not entitled to being liked, I know, but it still bothers me. I know they like me in a way, since I get along well to very well with 3 of the guys I’ve ever wanted to be with (There have been only four so far) but they’re never interested in me in any other way. It confuses me because I seem to like people who are similar to me but I guess they’re never similar enough to like people similar to them or maybe there is something else wrong here.
I don’t know how to cope with who I am anymore since I like it but it makes me feel very unwanted. I tried to hear other opinions in hopes I might be wrong but I think all the arguments that came my way were poor and only made me more certain of my position. (From Romania)
I deeply appreciate the angst combined with the desire to make things better. I wouldn’t try to change your personality as much as I would try to find like-minded people with similar interests. My advice? Dive into the things you are interested in. Find the groups and clubs and classes that allow you to be more of who you are. Doing this often allows people to be attracted to one another. We tend to enjoy people who share our interests.
Capitalize on your character strengths — not what you are lacking. I’d encourage you to take the VIA character survey for your age group and strive to use your top strengths. This should allow you to be more authentically you, which is typically very attractive.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
