Hello, my partner and me have been together for about a year now and everything is going well however, my partner does not seem to trust me. I have not cheated on him or anything like that but he has it in his head that I will cheat on him. I love him with all my heart and I would never even think of doing something like that.
I am a university student and like all students, I have both male and female friends. Whenever I am with any of my male friends he gets jealous and moody even if I am with a group of them. I have cut down on the amount I talk to any of my friends but he still has it in his head that I will cheat on him. I don’t know how to convince him that I love him and only him and I will not cheat on him.
He knows everything about my ex and my partners and I know about his ex’s. He thinks I lie to him about things and I don’t, I just get annoyed and don’t answer him or get angry at him as I don’t know what to say to make him believe I am not going anywhere. If I ask him he always says he trusts me but his actions show differently, and it really upsets me when he does. It’s not often he does this but when he does it’s heart breaking for me and it stresses me out a lot. Please could someone help me and advise me on what’s best for me to do.
Your boyfriend’s jealousy is his to manage and deal with. You’re not going to convince him. My experience in this area and research on it shows that even if you alter yourself in some way to appease him — he’ll just continue to condemn you. This is because the distortion is his to fix not yours. I would do three things.
First, I would start talking about your own feelings when he accuses you. Rather then explain and defend yourself begin talking about how hurtful it is not to feel trusted. Let him know he’s not the only one in the relationship that gets to have feelings.
Secondly, be very clear that his behavior directly causes your reaction. In other words, point out that the thing that makes the relationship difficult is his mistrust, blame, and criticism of you.
If you do go to couples counseling I would be very clear with the therapist that your boyfriend’s jealousy is destroying the relationship.
I would not wait to begin dealing with this. Men with these kind of control issues and jealousy tend not to improve on their own. They keep finding reasons and rationale to blame, condemn and mistrust, and they try to micromanage and over-control their girlfriends and wives.
Make an appointment with a couples counselor but make it clear and he needs to be doing his own work on this. If it doesn’t improve in a few months, you may want to consider moving on.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
