As a kid I had never worked up to my potential, I was given the diagnoses ADHD without hyperactivity shortly after dropping out of college and getting arrested for marijuana. I was always too lazy to do the work even if I was capable of doing it. After the arrest, I began playing with the idea of suicide, dunking my head in a bathtub and just thinking about it. After I left college I lived with my mom until the fights between us became too much, she kicked me out and I went to live with my father. My mother and I have always had problems, I think I block out most of the details of my childhood so I can’t say the specifics but all I remember is screaming matches constant fighting at home, between my mom and dad or me and my mom or me and all of them. Very dramatic childhood. They got divorced when I was around 16. Anyway back to me moving in with my father; that’s when things were more normal and I was my happiest. I had a job and a friend. My sexual activity was halted so I wasn’t having sex with people recklessly. I had 14 probably more partners before I was married lost my virginity, not sure why I kept doing it, probably cause it gave me a quick self esteem boost, but it later followed with shame and guilt. I eventually took my dad’s advice and joined the military boot camp and A school was great, but the actual navy was terrible, I couldn’t fit in I felt like people were extremely critical, I felt cornered. I am socially anxious and my job required public speaking and interacting with people for hours. The pressure to perform was constant, leaving me crying and fearful of waking up and going to work everyday. I got married to my husband after boot camp, I barely knew him. I make a lot of impulsive choices, so far so good but its not always a good result. I got out of the navy after I checked in to the hospital, I had fantasies of driving my car off the road. Diagnosis adjustment disorder, I think they just give that to get out of disability, the Dr. also said borderline traits. I just want to be successful in life, support my family, be happy.
Many of your problems began in childhood. Problems with attention, drugs, with your parents, and so forth. Though it’s not clear in your letter, it seems as though those problems were never resolved.
As an adult, you continue to struggle. That can happen in the absence of never having developed effective problem-solving skills. We are not born knowing how to manage life problems. The good news is that these skills can be learned in counseling.
The issues you have described are the same types of issues that many people have successfully dealt with in counseling. If you haven’t tried it, you should and even if you have tried it and it wasn’t successful, you should try again. You should continue trying until you have found a therapist who can help. Not all therapists are created equal. Sometimes, it takes time to find the right one, but it will be well worth your time and effort. I hope you will consider it. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
