My mother has resented and (i believe) hated me since birth. She never hugged me or even touched me unless hitting me with a belt. She never said ” I love you” even once when growing up. 17 years later gave birth to my sister. She is treated with golden gloves. She has worshiped her since her birth. I can’t understand it. I was a wonderful, quiet, respectful child. I did anything and everything trying to get her to love me. I made straight A’s all 12 years of school. Teachers always thought I should have been promoted but my mother never allowed it. Now at 51, after years of therapy, I still can’t get past how they STILL treat her like a princess and never even think of me or my feelings. Right now my parents, sister, her hubby and children have taken a family vacation, which parents paid for, to Rome, Italy. Me, my kids or grand kids weren’t invited. So now we all feel hurt and don’t understand why. This is only one example . There are so many times in my life my mom has hurt me in similar fashion. I wasn’t allowed around my sister while she was growing up so I couldn’t influence her. They told her they didn’t want her to turn out like me so I never got to see her. I wasn’t promiscuous, didn’t do drugs, graduated with honors (they didn’t even go to my graduation). My sister sees this difference but doesn’t care. She makes comments at family get togethers how they love her more. Not that it’s not obvious to everyone already. I went to therapy for years. Therapist said the only way to get past was to confront them. It took me until I was 39 to do this. I told them how I have felt, gave examples, even begged for them to explain why. What did I do? My mother immediately tried to slap me and said I was lying. She has said many many times that I have been a liar my whole life. I do not lie. After her 4th attempt to slap me, my father came in. I explained again and he acknowledged that they did do this. He tried to get my mother to say it, but she would not. She stormed out of my home and as she left, told my 14year old she was sorry she had to live with such a crazy liar like me. My dad apologized and left. Now she tries to hide her hate for me but it shines through. She lies to me about what all they do for my sister and family so I won’t know she is still doing the same things. Such as the trip to Rome. They told me they were just going to her house to help her with the kids for a few weeks because she was so overwhelmed. My sister is married to a very successful man. Wants for nothing. He loves her dearly and she him also. She doesn’t WORK, but she is overwhelmed with two very behaved fantastic boys. She lives 75 miles from mom. I live less than 10 but they will not come to my home to help me at all. I am a single grandparent now raising my grand kids because my daughter has brain damage and she is bipolar. They all hate her as if she could change if she wanted. I was left out of their will as well as my kids. But somehow she still believes we are treated equal. They have never once taken me out for my birthday but take her very year. They go to her house and stay for weeks at a time but will not come to mine. Nothing changed after our discussion. Same things still happening and I can’t seem to let go even after years of therapy because it is still going on and because she wouldn’t acknowledge how she treated me at our pow wow. She has never once said she was sorry for anything she has done and still doing. How do I get past?
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this with your family. But you need to find comfort in knowing that you have tried everything, and your mother’s pathology is profound. Love, therapy, confrontation, and trying to enlist your father’s help has all been a valued effort at changing the dynamics, but the bottom line is that it is time for something very different.
It is time to grieve.
The family you hoped for never happened, the mother you needed and wanted was never a reality. I would encourage you to talk with the therapist about allowing yourself to grieve the loss of this potential. This is important. You did not lose something you had. You are losing the hope of something that never happened.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
