I have been very good friends with my boyfriend for 15 years. We started dating 2 years ago. Since he was my good friend he knows every single detail about my past. I was very young and dumb and have done a lot sexual experiences with about 25 -30 partners.
Any time we fight, he calls me a pig, whore, slut and even c*nt. He berates me because I cannot give him my exact number of my sexual partners. When we first started dating he took things extremely slow, wanted to wait to have sex. Well, his true feelings about me being a pig etc. has broken me down to the point where I cannot even kiss him. How can someone that loves you speak to you like this?
I confront him and tell him this is abuse. He denies it.
He knows I spent a period alone in a very dark place where I did seek therapy because I was very depressed and my past being one of the reasons. (this was before he and I started dating). I came to realize my past is my past and that’s not who I am today and I am a great person. He knows I went through this and still emotionally beats me down because I am not sad about my past anymore.
My wild past took place approximately 13 years ago. He was not my bf. He has his own gf that he later married and had children with. When that marriage failed we connected.
How can someone talk to someone they love like this? Why does he think this is ok? Do I deserved to be punished for my past?
I want nothing more in my life to have a family of my own. I’m in my mid 30’s and I feel like I will never have that and it breaks my heart.
Please help me. (From USA)
You don’t need his permission to label this as abuse. His verbal abuse has to do with his insecurity, immaturity, and lack of respect for you. This is about his shortcomings — not yours.
If this is the bottom line. If this is how he thinks of you when there is any kind of a conflict, then the real question isn’t how he can talk to you like this and think it’s okay — It is why you allow yourself to stay with him? You do not deserve to be punished for your past, but you are responsible for how you live your future. I’d let him know that if he berates you about your past that you will have to breakup with him. You don’t want to sell yourself short by having a family with a man who thinks so little of you.
If you do break up you’ll want to use some therapy to help with the transition.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
