From the U.S.: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, and we just moved in together this summer. Normally, we get along pretty well. We have so much fun together. He is funny, sweet, a hard worker, smart, and my best friend. There have been times in our relationship (previous to moving) that he has had angry outbursts. They typically happened when he was drinking. A couple of times he was very mean to me verbally, and one time he shoved me. That was a while ago, and I feel as though we’ve worked through it.
However, ever since we moved in he has been much more angry, touchy, and just not the guy I know. He’s been almost constantly accusing me of cheating on him (whether in a passive aggressive comment, as a “joke”, or just coming out and asking me if I am). I have never cheated on him. I barely even talk to other guys. He can look through my phone and email whenever he wants to, but he has a lock on his phone and always accuses me of trying to read his messages. He’s also been very easily angered since we moved. He gets REALLY mad about very small things (I forgot to buy dish soap, I’m not vacuuming the “right” way, etc).
He’s becoming more and more critical of me and I am very exhausted by it. I feel like when we do have good days, at any minute I could do something stupid and he could get very mad. I’m rarely upset with him as I tend to just let things go instead of becoming upset. I do not like feeling like I am walking on egg shells. When I cry about this or try to talk about it he accuses me of “throwing a fit”, and says that I “mess up all the time like always.” I’m just really sad, and I can’t seem to figure out what happened to the guy I love or how to get him back.
It may be that your boyfriend wasn’t as ready as he thought he was to move in together. Rather than admit the mistake, he is making it impossible for you to stay. More than one person I’ve worked with has been willing to be the “bad guy” in order to get the other person to take responsibility for the break up. On the other hand, your boyfriend may be great on a date but unable to sustain good behavior on a day-in and day-out basis. You may be seeing him as he really is — controlling, distrustful, and ultimately dangerous to your mental health.
Those are just guesses. I don’t know why your boyfriend is behaving so badly, but I do know that you should move out. You’re right: You should not put up with walking on egg shells all the time in order to have any peace. As hard as it will be to make the move, living this way is only going to get harder. I know it will hurt to give up on him, but I don’t want you to wake up a year from now and find yourself still in the same spot. You deserve better.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
