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Abusive Father

My Stepfather Causes Me to Hate Home Life

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

For the last couple of years, since my mom and step-dad married, he has been treating my siblings and me badly. I’m the oldest, being 16, and I have a younger sister who is 12,and a younger brother who is only a little over a year old. My step-dad gets up in my face quite often yelling and screaming. Other family members and my friends have witnessed it. No one in my family likes him except for my mother, (who seems to have a thing for abusive men. She divorced my father to reconcile with the man that punched her in the stomach and put a loaded revolver to her head while she was pregnant with me). My step-dad has come at me several times, asking if I wanted a piece of him and getting a little too close for comfort. I’m afraid that he’s going to actually hit me sometimes.

He tells me that I’m wasting my time with sports because I’m slow and fatter than I was last year (I’ve actually slimmed down sense track season last year). I don’t want to leave my school behind because I’m receiving connections here that will make it possible to go to my dream college. Also, I would have to leave my horse behind (I’ve been barrel racing and riding horses my whole life. My horse means the world to me), and I would have to leave my boyfriend. My dad lives 3 hours away. I can’t handle living here anymore. There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not crying. I have depression. Thoughts of not wanting to live anymore have always been there. But being in this situation makes it worse. I don’t think that I could ever take my own life, but the thought of wanting something to happen to me so I wouldn’t have to live anymore are still there. I want help and I want to feel okay again. I can’t do that here. The last time I asked for help from my doctor, my step-dad flipped out on me and screamed telling me I ruined everyone’s lives. I don’t know what to do… Is there any way I can deal with this without leaving my home and the people and things I care about? I’ve lived in this house almost my whole life.. I don’t want to leave with him still here. (age 16, from US)

Thanks for writing in with your question. You are in a very difficult situation and there’s probably not going to be a simple solution, but I believe there is always hope. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and things you care about such as school, sports, your horse and your boyfriend. Having positive things to put your time and focus on can make intolerable situations tolerable many times. However, I think it’s also important to know when you’ve had enough.

If you feel like you can handle the current situation a couple more years by putting your energy into the things you mention, you may be able to handle the unhealthy home environment. I agree it would be immensely helpful if you could speak to a therapist to help you with this. Ohio has a law that supports teens getting a certain number of sessions without the parents being involved. You said your stepfather was upset by you asking for help but how did your mom feel?  If seeing an outside therapist just doesn’t happen, speak to your school counselor for additional support.

On the other hand, if moving in with your father is an option, you might want to seriously consider it. It would be hard to leave the things you care about but living in a respectful environment might be worth some sacrifice.  Can you talk to your father about bringing your horse (even if you have to board it close by) and how often he could help you visit your friends and boyfriend, as well as your younger siblings?  Also, have you tried talking to your mom about how stressful the home environment is becoming? Let her know that you feel scared and intimidated by your stepfather’s behavior and that you hope she can support you and your siblings more.

Finally, if your stepfather does cross the line and hits you, or if the verbal abuse gets too intense, you need to alert the authorities. You can call the police or call Child Protective Services directly. You can also speak to a teacher or your doctor and they will help you.

As difficult as your home life is right now, you have some strengths that you can fall back on and future goals to help see you through. Whatever you do, don’t give up.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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I Hate My Step Father and My Real Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My mum and dad divorced when I was around 9, and for years he took it all out on me and did things like starve me, hold me to the ground and lock me in my room for days. I don’t see him anymore, and I still feel guilty. I feel as though I could have stayed there longer, could have been less prideful and tried harder.

My mother ended up remarrying another man, who I despise. He stands for everything I hate, including being homophobic, bigoted and thinking that his opinion in the only the only opinion. I hate coming home to him because, after what I went through with my dad, I’m really nervous around men, and my step dad’s a massive jerk to me.

I’m just lost between feeling the issues between my relationship with my father is causing the bad relationship with my step dad (my fault) or just that they’re both jerks (not my fault). I’m also growing to resent my mother for marrying him and not standing up for me. She didn’t believe me / help as soon as she should have when I was 13-ish and dealing with the worst of my troubles. I think my step dad I disagree on many things, regardless of him supposedly being a father figure. He thinks gay people shouldn’t have the right to be married, transgenders don’t exist and loads of conservative catholic stuff that I think is wrong. I think everybody should be equal, and this has led to many heated arguments. Of course, being the adult, he always “wins.”

After years of being emotionally bullied by my father, my anxiety around my step father, and men in general, is growing and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t talk to my mum, I’m too scared to talk to my teachers and I just feel like I can’t tell anybody… Please help! (From Australia.)

 

A:  I deeply admire the courage it takes to ask for help. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly by the people in your life who were supposed to take care of you. You didn’t cause any of these things to happen — and it sounds as if you are not likely to cause them to change.

Instead, I am going to recommend you make a profound investment in yourself. You are at the beginning of your high school career and I would put your effort into finding support and challenges for yourself outside of your family. I’d begin talking to teacher and counselors about your interests and join clubs and organizations within and outside the school setting that will broaden the network of people with like-minded interests. This can become your vehicle for support.

I’d also begin formulating a plan to be independent and away from your family by the time you are 18. Invest in your education and training. If you inclined toward college, I would work toward that goal. Every moment you can invest in your future should be helpful.

While your mother and father and stepfather have not been there for you, it doesn’t mean that others can’t be. Find the people who support and believe in you and let them become your family of choice.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Everything Is Falling Apart

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the Netherlands: My life is a mess. I’m 15 y/o. I used to be a very happy person. A lot of stuff happened. I got bullied, switched schools, no friends etc., but it did nothing to me. I was still happy.

A few years ago this all changed. I got bad moods often. What I thought was SAD quickly turned into something more like major depressive disorder…. But i kept strong. This year, i got friends, and i thought everything would fall back into place. I was very wrong.

Everything hit me at once. My best friend had a failed suicide attempt. My other good friend got hospitalized because her depression got out of hand. My dad is mentally abusive (he always has been, but it gets to me more now). I have never hated myself more than I do now. I used to be so in touch with God, but I’ve lost him… A few family members passed away, the others are now all fighting with each other. Family used to be my only speck of light, but now that has faded too.

All I think about is the relief death would give me. I have some sort of eating disorder, i still eat, yes, but i really don’t want to. Ive tried to make myself throw up multiple times. There has been a period where I’ve cut myself. I feel like no one will ever love me. I also have very bad (social) anxiety. I hate people. All I want to do is sleep.

Whenever I try to talk to my mom about all this, she brushes it off as some kind of joke. I have no friends to talk with, because it’ll only make their own problems worse and that’s the last thing i want. I feel hopeless and worthless.

I do think it’s important to know I do not feel like this always. I have ‘good days’, fortunately.

I hope you can help me.

Sometimes life really isn’t fair at all. You have had more than your share of disappointments, tragedies and challenges. The fact that you still have good days is a testament to your inner strength. But it is no wonder to me that you are getting discouraged.

I do have to wonder if part of the mood change a few years ago might be hormonal. That’s why the place to start is with your medical doctor. It’s possible that at least some of what is going on is medical. Thyroid problems, even a vitamin deficiency, can have an impact on mood. Just get it checked out, ok?

But even if you do have an untreated medical issue, you still have experienced a cascade of difficult events. For that reason, I think a therapist would be helpful at this point. A therapist will help you build on that inner core of strength you already have so you will have healthy ways to cope. Therapy will also help you deal with the losses and sort out what you can, and cannot, expect from your family. Many teens find it extremely helpful to have a therapist who can hear their story without judgment and who can offer encouragement and practical advice.

I don’t think you want to die. I do think you want the pain to go away. As you have already discovered, cutting and developing an eating disorder doesn’t do it. Please believe me: Therapy does help.

If there is a counselor at school, you might talk to him or her about how to approach your mom with the idea of getting some therapy. If there is no counselor, maybe you can take a teacher or another adult into your confidence and ask for help.

When you go to a counselor, take your letter and this response with you. It will help your therapist get a quick overview of your issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Father Lies

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

i’ve had enough, i am at my limit. my dad doesn’t give 2 shits about me and now i fear that he doesnt’t care about me, i feel like i’m not a good daughter and i’m scared that he doesn’t love me anymore.

he always lies, makes excuses and breaks meaningful promises. i guess those meaningful promises were meaningless to him.

on some days, he’d act like he loves me. in public, he would tend to be nice to me.

some days we’d plan meaningful activities. on the day of the activity, he would say “ehh i don’t feel like going anymore”; on days i’d ask him small things while he would be sitting on the couch watching tv for hours. he’d say “leave me alone, i am busy”; every time this happens. he doesn’t even pause the movie to even listen to me…

3 days ago i cooked my first meal and it was beautiful. i wanted to show it to him since i was proud but he shut me off almost instantly. “stop bothering me i don’t care”;
he would also make excuses to not spend time with me “i don’t feel like it. go ask your mother to bring you” he would never fulfill promises “ehhh tomorrow”; *never does it*, or not even help me “go look it up. stop being a baby”;

it’s been going for years for as long as i can remember. i am in pain by the thought of him not loving me.
any time i would insist or plead or call him out for his behavior, he’d say “;stop harassing me”;
“;you’re abusive”;
“;stop abusing me”;
“;shut the fuck up and go away”;
“;you animal”;
“;you dog”;
all while raising his voice.
it’s sad because i barely ask for anything. when i do, i am abandoned.

when i need medical help, he would say “;i’ll call the doctor tomorrow. not today”; he never called the doctor.

im helpless, i am crying at the moment typing this and i wish i could have a loving father like all of my friends do. i wish for it so badly…
i just want to be hugged instead of being dismissed or brutally rejected by him…

please help, what do i do

I’m very sorry that you are faced with this situation. Unfortunately, your father doesn’t seem to be the loving person you desire him to be. I understand your pain. It’s not fair.

A quote that might be applicable to your situation is “we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand” by Randy Pausch. You were not dealt a fair hand in life and are now left to manage the hand that you were dealt.

What this means is that you are now tasked with coming to terms with the fact that your father is not a loving, caring person. It may help you to know that many people are facing similar circumstances. They, too, were not raised by parents who were good role models, who treated them fairly, or who did the right things. For some people, this is one of those unfortunate and unpleasant aspects of life.

It is important to know that how your father behaves has nothing to do with you. How he behaves has to do with his character and nothing to do with yours. Children are especially prone to believing that how their parents treat them is a reflection of themselves. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a lesson that one learns as they grow and mature. The way your father behaves might be explained by how his parents treated him. They may not have been loving or kind or generous or compassionate, and, as a result, he may not demonstrate any of these characteristics towards his own children. That presents a challenge for you, as the recipient of his unloving and abusive behavior. The fact that his parents may have treated him poorly might explain why he treats you poorly but it does not make it better. It might simply be the explanation.

You may not have a loving father but what about your mother or other family members? Are there people in your life who are loving, who can compensate for an unloving father? If so, perhaps they can “fill in the blanks” for your father. The more loving and supportive people you have in your life, the less you will be affected by your father’s treatment. Once you can accept the fact that your father is who he is, and that his treatment of you has nothing to do with you, the sooner you can move forward in life.

That your father is ignoring your need for medical treatment is very concerning. This may be considered medical neglect. Neglect is illegal and parents can be arrested for neglecting their children. If you need medical assistance and your father won’t help you, make your mother aware and perhaps consider reporting him to child welfare. You can Google the phone number for child welfare reporting in your state by entering “your state and child welfare reporting” into a search engine. You can call and speak to someone about what you’re experiencing. They will advise you about how to respond, should it be necessary.

I would recommend consulting a therapist, in person. If in person services are not available, online or telephone services may be an option. The sooner you can meet with a professional who can teach you to emotionally handle your father, the better you will feel. I hope this answer helps you know how to proceed. If you take nothing else from this answer, please let it be that your father’s behavior is not a reflection of you; it is a reflection of him and his failure to show goodness, compassion and love to his daughter. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Have No Control Over My Anger and Short Temper

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Malta: I’ve never reached out to anyone for help regarding this matter, however my wonderful girlfriend knows what my problem is, but only because I’ve been inflicting her pain.

Me and my girlfriend have been together a little over 8 years now, and we just bought ourselves a place to call home. We are still not living together since it still needs to be finished however, it is our dream to have a family together.

The problem? I suffer from short temper and lose control over what I say or do. To be clear, I’ve never laid a finger on her or would even think/dream or wish it. That would be the day I’d go drive myself over a cliff. However, I do loose control and I bad mouth (swear) or yell (sometimes at her but not directly offending her, but nonetheless disrespectful and making her feel like she’s being controlled). My parents got divorced when I was 10 and ever since I’ve lived with my father along with my siblings.

My father was always controlling and short tempered, and me being the youngest, it always felt like I was a punching bag. He never really send me to the hospital or anything but he did use physical force when he thought I showed him disrespect. Having said that, he always loved us and provided for us, but it doesn’t change the fact that I did and still feel that he sometimes take it out on me. I’m 26, and to this day he feels he’s got some kind of hold over me just because HE’S the parent. And it’s OK, I’ll soon stop living under the same roof. However i have been telling myself that I won’t be like him ever in my life, ever since I can remember.

Despite all the hate and anger I have for how he talks/threats me, I’m afraid i’m just him, and I hate myself for it. The anger, the short temper, the yelling, the controlling, the dismissal of one’s opinion, I hate all of it. I sometimes realize that I’m doing the same thing as he does, and manage to control the situation, however, sometimes I get angry and lose temper for no good reason and before I know it, I’m yelling, swearing and banging on doors, or my car or whatever’s in my hand. I’m out of control. Please help.

You do have control — at least some of the time. You are at least not being physically abusive with your girlfriend. But, as you well know, that is only the first step. You learned lots of negative ways to express anger from your father. Unfortunately, you didn’t have another strong male in your life who could teach you the positive ways to handle it.

Yes, there are positive ways to be angry. There is nothing wrong with anger as a feeling. Often our anger tells us that something needs to be fixed. But there is plenty wrong about yelling, swearing, belittling and being generally disrespectful. Those behaviors only teach other people to distance from you. Problems never get solved.

I suggest you get into either an anger management program or therapy to help you learn constructive ways to deal with anger. In addition, observe how people you respect handle their irritation, annoyance and anger. Copying good behavior is always a place to start. There are also excellent books on the subject.

And there is a forum here at LifeHelper where community members share and support each other in dealing with strong emotions. Go to the “Find Help” tab, then click on “Forums” to find the group.

All I can do is make those suggestions. If you really want to solve the problem, it is up to you to take the next step. I hope you do. The stakes are high. If you continue on the path you are on, it is likely you will end up like your father and you will hate yourself for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Know What to Do about My Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I love my dad but he scares me a lot. I feel like I’ve kind of brought a lot of the anger my dad has upon myself, but it’s still hard for me to stay at home any longer. When I get in trouble it’s for legitimate reasons (I smoke and drink and I often get caught), but he gets so angry that it terrifies me, and I honestly just want to drink more to forget that he’s there.

He screams and brings up unrelated past events (ex: he’ll bring up an outfit i wore a week ago and call me a prostitute for wearing it). He told me the other day that I’m not gonna have any friends because he’s gonna threaten to call the police if he see’s any with me, and they’ll be too scared to talk to me anymore (he said this because many of my very good friends smoke weed). I understand that he wants me to be safe, and have a good life, but he throws stuff and yells at me and threatens to shoot or call the cops on my friends. It doesn’t make me want to stop smoking and get my grades up, it just makes me want to run away and do it even more.

Before I smoked or drank he’d yell at me and sometimes hit me (he doesn’t hit me anymore), for my grades or for hurting myself, which is sort of why I started drinking and smoking nowadays. He’d get angry at me for having emotional issues and blame me or the shows I watch or something that I do, rather than my childhood problems. I’ve had several therapists, but they only last for a few sessions because we can’t afford it, our insurance doesn’t cover it so it’s like $200 a session.

Hes taken my door to my room now, he’s bugged my phone and is always watching me. I can’t go outside the house anymore unless it’s with them or for school, and he’s made me quit my job. He’s cutting contact between me and all of my friends, one of them being a friend I’ve had for a very long time who has no one else besides me and is actually on suicide watch right now. I feel like I live in a prison, in which he bullies me and constantly mocks everything I do.

  Thank you for reaching out to us here at PsychCental.com. Your dad sounds like he is unstable emotionally and the fact that he is intimidating you, has hit you in the past, threatens to shoot your friends, calls you a prostitute, and is angry at you for having emotional issues points to the fact that you are feeling unsafe and need to have someone help you that is nearby. There are two resources I recommend. Here is information on woman’s centers that can help you at low or no cost, and a national hotline for more information and access to local help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Think My Dad Is Abusive

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I can’t tell. My dad yells and hits my younger brother and when I was younger he would smack me on the head. It makes my little brother cry all the time and we’re all afraid of him. I don’t think my mom feels safe either. Whenever something that might upset him happens, she makes us swear to hide it from him. What’s going on?

Each state has their own official definition of abuse. They vary in depth and scope. Texas provides definitions for physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and various types of neglect.

Their definition of physical abuse includes the following: “deliberate actions resulting in injuries to a child or genuine threats of such actions, or concerns about physical injuries of an unexplained or suspicious nature.”

The definition of emotional abuse may also be relevant to your situation. Emotional abuse is defined as “an emotional or mental injury caused by the parent or caregiver that results in an observable effect on the child.”

Given these definitions, it would seem that your father may qualify as abusive. It’s not appropriate to treat children in the manner that you have described. The fact that your mother makes you hide from him would suggest that she is frightened of him also. It may also indicate that she feels powerless to intervene, perhaps fearing that it would exacerbate the situation.

Parents often say they hit their children to correct their behavior. Children who are physically punished have a higher risk for mental health problems including anxiety and depression. Children who are regularly hit by their parents also tend to be aggressive, both as children and as adults. There are more appropriate ways to correct unwanted behavior that don’t involve physical harm.

There are action steps you can take in this situation. I would recommend reporting this to the school guidance counselor or another trusted faculty member. Individuals who work in a professional capacity with children are typically mandated by law to report abusive situations. These reports are anonymous.

You can also make trusted family members aware of your concerns. They may be able to intervene.

Another idea is calling the authorities yourself. This could include calling the police or the Department of Family and Protective Services. Their phone number is 1-800-252-5400. You can also Google the words “online Texas abuse hotline for abuse” to make a report and to read more about abuse.

Often children are reluctant to report their parents who may be abusive. Understandably, they don’t want to get their parents into trouble. The primary goal of child protective services is to protect children at any cost. They want to ensure that all children are safe. That is a right that every child deserves. They are not looking to remove children from homes or break up families. Typically, their goal is to help parents be better parents. Many of their programs are supportive in nature and designed to increase the resources of struggling families for the sole purpose of ensuring safety in the home.

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with the situation. It’s difficult to function well when you don’t feel safe and are fearful of your parents. It’s important that you not keep this a secret and speak to an adult about what’s happening in your home. They can help you. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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BF has anger issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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