Tag:

Acceptance

Loss of Friends and Loneliness

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 25, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: Hi, I’m a 15 year old girl currently attending school everyday and doing fine with my grades. I have currently had a fallen out with most of my friends because I was standing up for a boy who they all hate. Because of this they have all decided to ignore me and act like they’re having a ‘blast’ in front of me.

The main problem is this boy who I’m really close friends with for one minute, but we continue to argue because he always twists words and gets people against other people who he hates. I’m the only one seeing his other side because I’ve experienced it myself where he has twisted my words and gotten people against me. So I tried warning my friends about him, but they didn’t care and thought he was a ‘great’ friend and then started verbally abusing me through messages on Facebook. We never say anything face to face.

Anyway, now that I have lost all my friends I’m feeling very lonely! I can’t concentrate properly in some of my classes as I’m constantly thinking about them! I’m thinking about them in the morning, recess, lunch, night, when I go to sleep and even when I wake up! I feel depressed and I don’t have a very great self-esteem now. Whenever I’m left alone in class I get anxiety (I’ve grown up with selective mutism but have recovered from it well). I even once had a panic attack and had to storm out of class before I burst into tears. My face always blushes and turns red when the teacher comes over to talk to me. I’m feeling really low and I’ve been forced to retreat to the library with one of my friend every recess and lunch time but that only makes me feel nerdy (sorry for the cliché word).

I’m just over thinking about the whole group of friends that I have lost and I feel like I’m not good enough. My self-esteem is a bit lower and I have a constant feeling of loneliness. I say every now and then to my friend I now hang out with ”My life is so sad” and ”I’m so lonely” though she tends not to reply. I just feel miserable. I’ve tried sorting out things with my closest friend that I have lost but she say’s she ”doesn’t know why she hates me”. I just don’t know what to do?

From my point of view, you are better off without this group of so-called friends. Friends don’t treat friends this way. By standing up for the boy, you were doing something honorable. You were trying to help your group be more mature. Sadly, they are more interested in being part of an immature herd than being mature individuals.

Your self-esteem does not depend on acceptance by people like that. Your self-esteem depends on whether you behave in a way that you believe is right and how you contribute to making the world a better place. Sanding up for the boy was a good start. If you want to build on that, find an activity that supports something you believe in. Participate actively. You will meet other people who share your beliefs and are willing to do something about it.

Fortunately, you have already started to find new people. Please don’t be dismissive of the person you are hanging out with. She’s a better class of friend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 25, 2024 0 comments

I’m Afraid of the Truth, That My Mother Is a Narcissist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 27, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear Therapist, I’m having trouble accepting that my mother is a narcissist. It has been pointed out to my a counselor before. Every time I have a conflict with her I see the traits more and more, but always still try to get emotional support from her. Throughout adulthood even and going through getting married I think she will change and be there for me and treat me like a daughter. That didn’t happen. Now I am pregnant and feeling sad and angry because she doesn’t offer to be there for me unless I come to her and she makes her problems worse and worse and her health issue a central point in her life. She says I’m not being there for her when I don’t want to baby her about her issues, but honestly I spent most of my life worrying about and tending to my mom’s feelings and health. Sometimes I think she exaggerates health issues to be the center of attention. Last month she had me convinced that she had osteoporosis, then when I felt something was fishy about it this month and asked her a bunch of questions she said “oh no it’s just osteoarthritis.” I know in the mind my mom will never really approve of me or respect me or be there for me, but my heart wont accept it. I still try time after time to be close to her and end up infuriated, super sad or crazed. Also my husband has deal with our weekly fights. How can I learn to accept that she has a mental illness?

You believe that she’s a narcissist and that may or may not be true. Her diagnosis, if available, would be somewhat irrelevant because it wouldn’t change how you should be interacting with or responding to her. Your saying that your heart won’t let you accept it is the same as saying that you are refusing to believe in reality.

Abraham Maslow, who studied the characteristics of psychologically healthy people, noticed that they accept reality for what it is, not how they wish it would be, hope it would be or fear it would be. You simply have to accept her for who she is. That is the mindset that would help you the most when dealing with your mother and the world in general. People are who they are. What is most helpful is learning new ways of responding to them.

You want her support, and she can’t or won’t give it to you. You want your mother to be different, but that is not going to happen. The sooner you can accept the truth, the less frustration and disappointment you will feel.

If you need emotional support, then you are likely going to have to look elsewhere; to other friends, family, your husband, or your counselor. Try working with your counselor to adjust your expectations of your mother and learning more appropriate and less frustrating ways of interacting with her. The latter might include spending less time with her. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

September 27, 2021 0 comments

Constant Anxiety

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 1, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I Need to prove myself to myself. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for over a decade, since I was 13. Through college I went through five majors and the one I graduated with I hated by the end. I began graduate school because I put in all the work in undergrad and my parents wanted me to try grad school. I dropped out before the first semester was over. I work in an unrelated field, making just enough to live on.

I was always told I am very smart. I had a 4.0 gpa in high school and a 4.0 gpa my first 2.5 years of college. I was never drawn to science in high school. My parents highly value practicality and usefulness. They see art and humanities as unnecessary fluff. My friend group was the top 10% of my high school class. They’ve all gone on to masters degrees, medical school, or working in a science-y / technical field.

I wrote a short novel in high school. The summer before going off to grad school I wrote another novel. I self-published and told extended family as well as a few friends about my book. Only my mom bought a copy. I felt very hurt.

I’ve always wanted to make a difference in the world. I want to inspire, share beauty, and touch the humanity in people. I’m moved by music, art, literature, and film. I remember writing short stories in high school, having my parents read them, and seeing my parents with tears in their eyes. They said how well I conveyed human experiences.

I’ve returned to school for another degree in a technology subfield. This field allows me to make good money, and over the past six months I was very excited about the actual content of the degree. The more I look into it, the more I realize that jobs in the real world will be focused on making profit for a company, not helping others.

I wonder if I chose to go back to school to prove to myself that I am smart and capable of hacking it in a science/math/tech field? I feel so lost. A month ago I was gung-ho about this degree. Now I’m wondering if I’m a duckling trying to be a swan. I voiced my concerns to my dad. He said I need to just commit to it and do it.

It sounds like it is time for you to focus on your purpose and meaning in your life rather than trying to follow your parent’s well-meaning advice alone. I’m not suggesting that you give up school, or technology, but I am suggesting that you make sufficient time for your writing.

Everything you have said about your passion for storytelling indicates that you are more whole, integrated, and happy when you are creating. Make your creative writing an integral part of your world. This will give you the balance you are looking for.

Wishing you patience and peace,

Dr. Dan

May 1, 2021 0 comments