Tag:

Achievement

Should I Push My Daughter to Excel or Back Off?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 4th, 2022

From the U.S.: I have a daughter who does competitive Irish dance. From 8-12 she competed regularly and won consistently (13 now). When she hit the highest level within the sport, she started to not do as well. This sapped her confidence and in turn, her desire to compete. She has a natural talent that has gotten her to the place where she is. Now, she has to put in the work to compete against the girls at her level. If she did put in the work, she would dominate. But she doesn’t want to do that and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s lazy or is afraid of putting in the work and still losing. In reality, she still does well, but just not placing within the top 3 like she used to.

So my question is, when is it right to push her and when is it better to back off? Backing off is what I have been doing and I feel it’s making her more lazy because she doesn’t have a goal. She is not interested in any other activities. I’ve asked her about all sorts of different team and individual sports.

My gut says I should push her, but I know it will become a daily fight and I don’t want that for either of us. But I do think pushing her would get her to winning and that might change things for her. If you think she would benefit from talking with someone, how do I approach her about that? And what type of dr would be best?

This is such a good question. Many parents find themselves in the same delemma. To push or not to push. The first priority is to preserve your relationship with her. She is a young teen with the challenging teen years ahead. It’s more important that she feel she can talk to you than win another ribbon. But I don’t think it has to be an either/or.

I don’t think the issue is laziness. A lazy kid would not get this far. It may have more to do with thinking that if she isn’t sure she’ll be the best, she doesn’t want to try. Her self-esteem may be so tied up with winning that she can’t risk losing. By pulling back, she can always tell herself that she would have won if she had put in the effort. It’s a “face-saving” tactic.

It’s normal for kids to want to try out a number of activities before finding the one that grabs their heart and attention. Many a kid has started an instrument or dance or sport with great enthusiasm, only to drop it later for something else. What concerns me about your daughter, though, is that she isn’t pulling back at dance in favor of something else. That also suggests to me that self-esteem issues may be at work here.

You didn’t mention what your daughter’s coach or teacher thinks. Is her teacher frustrated, too? Do you think the teacher has the kids’ best interests at heart — not just winning? If so, perhaps a talk with the teacher will be helpful. Often a teacher or coach can inspire a kid when the parent can’t. If the teacher is too invested in “winning”, don’t go that route. You may be able to address the self-esteem issues on your own or it may be that you can think of another relative or older friend who can talk to your daughter about it.

If those aren’t options, then I suggest seeing a family therapist with your daughter. This is not because I think you aren’t being a good mother. Quite the contrary. I think it’s better for a therapist to help you and your daughter solve to problem together as a way to lay the foundation for other difficult talks as she moves through the teen years. I don’t think it is helpful for a counselor to become a more important sounding board than her mother.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 4, 2022 0 comment

I Have Trouble Finishing Things

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 30th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Panama: It has been going for a while now, but I realized about a couple of weeks ago. It seems like a really bad habit, but now I’m not sure if it’s just a habit. I have a lot of interests. I like researching and finding out what I like, but that also happens to be a bad thing since when I find an interest and I decide to pursue it, after little time, I give up on it. I don’t know why, but I always seem to do it. It’s like I lose interest, or whatever motivation I had in the first place. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had decided to write a book. I’ve always loved writing and reading, even when I was younger. Reading is certainly an addiction, while writing fills me with satisfaction. So I started creating the plot and organizing the story, because I wanted to do it perfectly. I started making summaries per chapter so that when I actually start to write, I know what goes on in the chapter. I was so pumped about it. I felt like this time, I was going to do it right. Until a few days ago. The book was just by the half. I stopped logging in my computer. I stopped looking for words. I stopped having interest. I simply stopped wanting to write. And I know that it’s not writers block, because I knew what I had to write, I just didn’t want to. And I’m so annoyed about it, because I was telling myself at the beginning: “Don’t worry, you’ll totally make it through the end this time.” And once again, I’ve failed to complete it. And not just in writing, I also quit tap dancing, piano lessons, TV shows, you name it. And I’m disgusted by this because I want to finish stuff, but then I don’t. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders, but I’m pretty certain I have them. I’ve never checked myself because my parents have enough troubles on their own. I have also insulin resistance and tachycardia (they are aware), so I don’t want to trouble them with something as big as depression and anxiety that may just be all up in my head and possibly not be true. I just keep everything inside, and wait until it all goes away. Please help me.

I want to point something out. The email you’ve sent to us had a beginning, middle, and end. You planned something, sat down to do it, and completed it. The key is in finding something that matches your readiness for engagement. The thing you may want to do to get yourself ready for longer and more involved goals is to first pick smaller more manageable goals. Start the process of bringing smaller ideas to fruition and then move to bigger ones.

The other thing is to learn how to break larger goals into smaller ones. What you’ve done with your book idea is fantastic. You have an outline and have begun writing. Longer term goals require a different pace — a sprint is different than a marathon.

Experiment with shorter goals so you can feel like you have achieved something. Here is a psychcentral blog on the subject that might help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

June 30, 2022 0 comment

How Do We Handle Differences Between Kids and Step-Kids To Be?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 22nd, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am divorced after an abusive marriage–my kids endured a lot. Despite this, after years of hard work, I have two children who, thankfully, have come through all that with flying colors. I have a lot on my side, good finances, career, and family. NOTHING in my life makes me happier to more deeply satisfied than seeing my kids happy and whole and thriving. I thank God DAILY for it.

I have found a good man who I love, who is also divorced. We have decided not to marry until later. We live close by but not together. I love his kids too.

However, his kids–similar ages to mine–are not doing well in some ways, struggling academically and socially, and have quit many things, and are in fewer and fewer things as time goes on. Their mother (who I made a friend) struggles with various issues. I try to support them as best I can. If they are in a play, or sporting event, I go.

My kids persevere, and have had many successes (and failures too!). My kids now do lots of things, while they do little.

It has created a disparity. And that is the issue. I don’t know how to handle it. My daughter recently got the lead role in her school musical, but she does not want her future-step-sister to know about her part, and downplays it–for fear of making her feel badly (future-step-sister has been passed over for parts in past). I keep quiet about my kid’s lives to my man and his kids, not wanting to draw any attention to the disparity. My son downplays his activities too, not wanting to make them feel bad. I am FINE with this. So are my kids–none of us are boastful people. Even saying this much about them is embarrassing to me. They do these things because they LOVE them–not to brag about it. I do LOVE his kids, and don’t give ONE HOOT what they do or don’t “accomplish”. I am not sure any of it means all that much in the end.

But the downplaying is starting to feel like LYING. I don’t invite my man to my kids events, not wanting to make him feel badly, because he DOES think this accomplishment stuff is important. It DOES affect him. I DO go to his kid’s few things. It feels like lying/leaving him out.

I don’t think you are lying. I do think your approach to the situation isn’t helpful. Your kids deserve to feel good about all they have managed to accomplish in spite of a tough start. You deserve to share in their pride. If your man is to become a permanent part of your life, he needs to be able to celebrate their achievements with you and them.

Downplaying your own kids’ strengths is only helping your man avoid dealing with the fact that his kids are troubled and in trouble. There is a reason that they are struggling with school and retreating from normal hobbies and interests. There is a reason that they aren’t setting themselves on a path to a successful adult life. It needs to be dealt with — now. It’s not about comparing them to your kids. It’s about getting them the help they need.

I suggest that you and your boyfriend seek out a family therapist. Just go by yourselves at first to explain the situation and perhaps to get some input on how best to handle it. Your future stepkids’ mental health depends on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 22, 2021 0 comment