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What Was Wrong with Me?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi! Please note that I am perfectly sane, I got a normal amount of friends, I’m social, and I am quite happy.
What is bothering me is something I did 4 years ago, and I am wondering why I acted in such a disgusting way. I used to live with my mother back then, and she wasn’t very well so I belive that may be the cause but that doesn’t change the fact what I did.
I will cut to the point – one time when me and my brother was visiting my grandparents we shared the same room… and I masturbated in front of him. I have chosen to forget it because I don’t know what came into me but now 4 years (when I was 12-13, and he was 10-11) later I’ve been wondering why my brother never talks to me, is it because of that, or is it just because he’s a teenager? I’ve been praying to god that he has forgotten it all.

Please don’t judge me, the reason why I am writing this here is because I would never dare to talk to anyone about this. I am so ashamed. I am not the type of girl you’d expect would have done this awful kind of thing.

What I’m asking is, why was I acting so psychotic back then, and do you believe that he will ever respect me again?

Thank for having such bravery to begin talking about this. I am certain it must have been difficult. It is too hard to know all the forces that might have played a role in your actions back then, but one thing I am certain of is that being able to reflect on your own behavior and transgressions is a good thing. It sounds like this may have caused a reaction between you and your brother that is now the primary issue. Yes? So perhaps the thing to do is to acknowledge there is an issue with him and begin talking to a counselor about the feelings you are having. If that seems too difficult you may just want to talk to your brother about making the relationship better in the here and now. If he agrees and you want help with that, perhaps you could see a counselor for a few sessions to see if you can improve communication. The issue may or may not be something your brother will bring into the session.

Finally let me say this: The way you have described your behavior does not mean you were psychotic or will be. It is very understandable that you would feel uncomfortable about your behavior back then, but it doesn’t mean you and your brother can’t have a good relationship. If I were you I would find out if you brother is willing to have a better relationship with you and take it from there.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Always Expect to be Left

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a sixteen year old female and throughout my life, I have moved cities very often and been to 6 different schools in 11 years of education due to my father’s career choice. Because I have moved around so much, it is very hard for me to make close friends now and to generally trust people. I don’t like making close friends because all I’ve ever known was that people always leave and they don’t keep their promises. I have no true friends that I’ve known for a while. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions such as sadness or pain to others. I’d rather keep everything to myself. How can I change this? I would really like to allow myself to become close friends with the friends I currently have.

Additionally, whenever I feel like I am getting too close someone, i tend to try to ruin the friendship by being over-bearing and acting on impulses. I would really like to know how can I let myself get close to people without feeling the need to shut them out and to pull away

What you are describing is very common in teens who have been moved about a lot because of a parent’s job or service in the military. It’s hard to settle into a friendship when you know you may be moving in a year or two. Many kids protect themselves from the hurt of leaving by never connecting. Sadly, that strategy means that you never get to have the kind of intimate friends that every teen wants and needs.

The good news for you is that you are part of the media generation. It used to be that once a family left town, it would be rare for young people to see each other again. Now, thanks to Skype, Facebook, and email, it’s really easy to keep in touch and for relationships to continue to develop even if you move 1000 kilometers away. Media contact can help you bridge the distance until you can arrange a shared holiday visit. I know of many friendships and several romantic relationships that are functioning this way very well.

Whether you get closer to the friends you have is a decision. It won’t happen automatically. It won’t happen because of fate or because the stars align in some particular way. You’re going to have to do things a bit differently. That means taking some risks with your feelings. It means letting others see who you really are. Yes, you’ll sometimes get hurt. That’s part of having relationships. But nothing hurts as much as loneliness and isolation.

Trust your instincts. Choose a couple of people who you know in your heart are kind and friendly. Then start slowly letting them get to know you. Keep it light at first. Find ways to have fun together and to talk about things that are important to you both. As you get more comfortable, open up more. If you do, I think you’ll find that it will feel more and more natural. You just have to do it enough to get yourself used to being closer. At 16, I’m reasonably sure that you have what it takes to work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mom Loves Acting and Now She Has to Give It Up

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Recently, my mom’s gotten into a bit of a saddened state. You see, she loves acting, but everything going on in her life has restricted her from doing anything close to it. The city we live in has no interest or location specifically for acting and her job leaves her no time to do any kind of acting if any possibility arises. She and my step-dad run a wedding photography business. For the sake of privacy I won’t give any more details than that.

All of this in mind, there’s not much left for her. The only chance she has is to film at home and make videos. Which the family doesn’t really mind. It even brings in some income too. Sadly, it’s gotten to a point where she’s run out of options there as well. So she plans on killing off her character in her videos to bring an end to her videos.

She hates that fact.

I’m usually a soft-spoken person when it comes to, well, anything really. Although I still keep an ear out for everything. Not to mention I have my own hobby that’s in a similar category as my mom’s acting. Writing. So to see that my Mom has to kill off her favorite thing to do (quite literally if you think about it), I feel so worried for her. The worst part being that I don’t know what to do about it.

So because I don’t know what to do, that’s why I’ve come to this website. I need some advice. My mom loves acting and now she has to give it up because everything around us is forcing her to do so.

What should I do? I know that her dying hobby will lead to something destructive or negative. My mom might have plenty to help keep the lack of acting off her mind, but that only goes so far before ending badly one way or another. If any professional has some ideas for me, I’ll try and keep an eye on this website for a while. However, if it’s at all possible please send an email directly to me. I’ll be more than likely to see that response faster.

Thank you for reading my situation and thank you a second time in case you may have a solution.

Your mother is lucky indeed to have such a caring son. You are doing your best to be supportive but you may not understand what is really going on for her. It is rare that all doors to an interest like acting get closed. My guess is that the issues around her acting career are a distraction from something else that is harder for her to face. Rather than deal with whatever it is, she places her negativity and anger at the theater.

True to her theatrical nature, your mother is dramatically (and maybe unnecessarily) ending her acting career. The fact is that your state (indeed, your city) has many community theater groups. There are also numerous young people’s theater companies that count on adults like your mom to help kids learn the theater arts. If your mom can’t find a company to her liking, she could start one. She knows how to run a business. She knows how to act. So I have to ask myself why she isn’t doing something to keep her love of theater alive?

I may not understand the total situation, it’s true. I can only suggest that situations are rarely as bleak as you seem to think. For some reason, your creative mother isn’t using her intelligence and creativity to find a way to fit at least a part time acting career into her life. It could be that she got some negative feedback and she is giving up rather than trying harder. It could be that she is making some kind of point with your father or someone else. It could be that she is really tired of it but finds it easier to go down in a blaze of glory than to just let acting fade out of her life. Or it could be something else entirely.

The only way to know would be to ask her and she may not want to burden her teen-aged son with the truth of her discouragement. You could talk with your dad to see if he has an insight that would be helpful to you. If not, all you can do is tell your mom how very sorry you are that she is so discouraged and then get on with your own life. She is the one who has to deal with whatever she is dealing with, not you. All you can do (and it’s a lot) is let her know that you love her and have confidence in her ability to solve her problem.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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How Can I Stop Fighting With My Partner?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

How do I stop myself from losing control, all of sudden I will be freaking out screaming at the top of my lungs at my bo? I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are certain we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, but will wait a few more years for marriage. I love him so much, but we have these huge horrible fights. For example today, he came over for lunch today and everything was great, I found out he had Saturday off of work, so I said we should plan something. And he thought I was yelling and I did not think I was, he said that we don’t have to have this perfect day like in the movies, but I was just excited to have a day off together and wanted to plan something so he did not make plans with others.

This then turned into a huge yelling match, I was balling and screaming at the top of lungs, telling that he shouldn’t tell me I am yelling when I am not. I told him to leave, I did not want to talk to him anymore, but then I ran down the driveway yelling at him for leaving. He was embarassed since I have neighbours. I was acting like we were breaking up, yet that would never happen. This happens on a weekly basis, me losing it for no reason, threatening to leave, when I never actually do and just screaming so loud and crying like crazy. Neither of us need this at all. Why does it happen, how do I stop myself from acting like a manic? It gets us no where and just makes us both upset. It gets so bad that sometimes I even hit him.

Normally I am such a kind hearted person and really sweet, but then I go crazy and then get so upset after for acting like that. My boyfriend does not deserve to be yelled at, he is such a sweet guy and love him with all my heart. Please help me, I need to fix myself. I have tried to figure out why I do this, my dad was strict when I was a kid and I was always trying to please him, I think that is why I have trouble making decisions to make me happy sometimes. I also always try to please my boyfriend and make sure I am always available to hang out when he can, but deep down I know he loves hanging out with me too. I know this is a crazy thought, but when he hangs out with his friends I feel like he choosing them over me. He says that why cant I have fun with other people too. I take it as he choosing them over me, deciding to spend money on something to do with them and would rather spend time with someone else. I take it very personally. Every thought I have, I think of him, would I like to go get a coffee, no I rather save that $5 to grab ice cream with him sometime, for example. He is afarid I am not being me, anymore, just us too much. What can I do, I dont want to scream at him for no reason anymore?

Before the relationship issues worsen something needs to change with your behavior. Your boyfriend may also be contributing to this problem but it’s unclear what role he may play. You don’t become slightly perturbed when your boyfriend does something you don’t like, you seem to lose total control. Not only do you holler but you physically harm him. It’s important that you recognize that your behavior needs to change. It’s not always easy to admit mistakes. This realization is a very good first step. The next step involves changing your behavior or getting help if you can’t do it on your own.

Part of your anger may stem from the fact that you essentially believe that all of your boyfriend’s thoughts, feelings and actions should be devoted to you. That’s how you treat him and expect him to reciprocate. When he doesn’t reciprocate this upsets you. When he hangs out with friends you feel as though he’s choosing his friends over you. You take his actions personally, as though he is rejecting you. Following your logic, of course you’d be angry in this situation because you’ve been rejected.

This line of thinking may be a part of the problem. It’s “all or nothing” type of thinking. If he does not devote all of his time to you and the relationship then he doesn’t want you and this makes you angry. In truth, you’re not angry per se you’re probably feeling hurt because you’re experiencing what feels to you like a rejection by your boyfriend. It is this type of thinking that most likely is damaging the relationship. It’s unrealistic to impose such strict standards for his behavior (or anyone for that matter).

If you cannot change on your own then therapy might be helpful. Therapy could teach you new ways to behave when you’re angry or upset by your boyfriend. You could learn a new set of communication skills. A therapist can also help you examine why his hanging out with friends equates to a rejection of you. He or she can also assist you in examining other logical fallacies as well as help you find new ways to express yourself and your feelings. It is not acceptable to scream and holler when something doesn’t go your way or to physically harm him when you’re upset. There are more appropriate ways to get your point across that do not include screaming, shouting matches, or physical abuse. It might also be helpful if your boyfriend also considered therapy either on his own or as part of couples counseling. Arguing may be common in some relationships but it is never healthy for the relationship. Every fight further erodes the relationship. It’s advisable to get help sooner than later.

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Young Son Keeps Acting Out Sexually

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My 7 year old son on numerous occasions has acted out inappropriately in front of his friends and other boys his age, butt touching, pulling down his pants and the other boys pulling down their pants, always wanting to look at his 4 year old brother’s body parts down there, they’re always touching each other’s butts and laughing about it and he knows it’s wrong don’t know what to do about this. This has been going on since he was 3 years old, the doctor said that it was normal that he was just probably going through a stage back then but he still does it and I do not see this as normal now? I constantly talk to him about this and tell him that it’s wrong but I’m at a lost for words cause it seems to be doing no good he still does it. He gets punished for it and now hides it but when he gets caught he cries and apologizes because he knows that it’s wrong. I need some advice on how to get my son out of this phase. HELP Please!

I’m sure this is very worrisome and painful for you. You are right to be concerned. Your doctor was right: It is normal for a 3-year-old to go through a stage of curiosity about bodies. But it usually subsides way before age 7.

Please make an appointment with a child therapist. I don’t have enough information to go on. A counselor can help you get to the cause of this behavior and will give you guidance about how to handle it.

The most benign possibility is that you have become so worried about his behavior that your son is simply trying to get extra attention and concern from you. He’s learned that all he has to do is tug his brother’s pants and he gets your full-on attention. For some reason, he’s decided he can’t get the same involvement by doing positive things. In that case, you need to learn other ways to avoid reinforcing his inappropriate interests and at the same time give him positive ways to be engaged with you.

At the other end of the spectrum of possible causes for this behavior is that your son has been abused sexually by someone and is acting out what he is too scared to talk about. This is not at all uncommon in kids. In that case, you need to protect him and get him treatment.

Or his behavior may be about something else entirely. That’s why you need to see a therapist. You want to respond to the real cause to get him past whatever it is that is troubling him.

This has already gone on far too long. Please see a counselor and get the help you need to steer him to more socially appropriate behavior before he gets any older. If he’s been hurt by someone, he needs treatment. If it’s attention-getting behavior, it’s likely he will be bullied and isolated by his peers. Of equal concern is that he may become very confused about sex and sexuality as he gets older.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I have no one to talk to

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a 19 year mother, i have a daughter who is 2 and im currently 4 months pregnant. I am with my baby on the way’s father, and he told me that we would live together and have this great life. Once we found out i was pregnant, he told me i couldn’t tell his parents till he was out of school, when he finished school, he said not to tell them till they got back from their cruise, and i can’t tell my parents because they told me they would kick me out. My dad always yells at me for dumb things, and when he gets upset at me he always says to get out and find somewhere else to live. I wish i could, but i have no one else. I dont have a job or go to school and i dont have a car or my liscense. I have been trying really hard to do all those things but no one wants to help me out. I get so upset because i was so happy to have this baby and everyday it seems like this happy moment is turning into a nightmare. I cry everyday because sometimes i feel like having this baby is the worst thing i ever could do, but its not the babys fault. I just need some advice on what i should do.

You’re right. It’s not the baby’s fault. Clearly you think you are old enough to be a mother (You even listed motherhood as your occupation.) so it’s time you started acting like one. Mothers protect their children and do what they need to do to take care of them. Your boyfriend isn’t interested in being a father or partner in raising your kids. Its not wise to depend on him to take care of things. He’s already shown that he isn’t going to do it. Nonetheless, it’s time he manned up and told his parents. If he won’t, you have a right to. His parents are the grandparents to your child. They may or may not offer a helping hand. Your parents have probably done all they feel they can. They have given you and your daughter a home but are so frustrated with you that they threaten to kick you out. All this adds up to the fact that you can’t afford to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You’re on your own. Loving your daughter and your baby means growing up and shouldering the responsibilities that go with the occupation of raising kids.

Visit your local social service agencies and find out how to establish a home for yourself and your children. Finish your education and get into some kind of job training program so you can support them. I did a search on the web and found Clare House. I don’t have personal experience with the agency so I can’t comment on their services but it does seem like a place to start. Here’s a description from their website:

Clare House transitional shelter serves homeless women and children by providing a temporary home in a caring environment, life-skills programs and aftercare support leading to self-sufficiency. The program not only gives women and children a safe place to stay, but also assists clients in overcoming the barriers that brought them to their current situation of homelessness. The program includes a 90-120 day stay, intensive case-management services, agency collaborations and aftercare support.

If your parents will let you stay, you may not need the shelter. But you absolutely do need the case management services. Case management will help you figure out how to get health care, housing, some temporary support, food stamps, fuel assistance, etc. and, most important, will help you make a plan for becoming self-sufficient. You have five months until the baby is born. You can do a great deal toward making a stable home for you and your children in that amount of time if you put your mind to it.

You made an important first step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. Now take the next one. Make an appointment with an agency and get started on making a future. Your children need you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well The thing is i’m pretty sure i should probably go see a professional about it, but i would really prefer not to. But to sum up the last few years of whats been going on. 2 friends died by being hit by cars ( they were walking ) both at different times, my parents got a divorce in 2008 both remarried in 2009… Both divorced again in 2011.. and they are getting back together now.. I was constantyl in the middle, i was loaning my father money to pay
his bills and same for my mother. In the last 3 months i have been laid off of my job, and now i’m in threat of loosing everything i have worked for. Although i have a really crappy job offering which i’m going to take to pay the bills. Now let me explain the recent problems..

Starting about 2-3 days ago i have been getting extremely mad at my wife and children for no reason. I don’t know why.. I get to the point where i’m afraid to get near my girls i’m afraid i’ll hurt them, so instead i have them go play outside. My wife is usually at work so i’m acting as stay at home dad right now, Occasionally and including right now, it seems like i can’t get enough oxygen into my system no matter how deep i breath or how much i try. I personally love my wife and children to death, i dislike society and humanity as a whole so i don’t have friends and don’t want them ( i also have no interest in seeing a therapist although it’s probably for the best ) I do not talk to most of my family only my father and mother, and thats only becuase i have to i would prefer if they would stay out of my life..

I absolutely hate myself and constantly think of suicide. Of course i would never act on it, but it doesn’t stop me from day dreaming about it. Also at nights, almost every night i have nightmares, they are never plesent in any way. Usually my kids or wife dying. I’m not happy with my life for sure, i want much more out of my life. I’m not afraid of dying, only of being forgotten.. I want to do something to be remembered..

I know this isn’t much of a question, but i’m seeking advice, i want to make the best of myself and such for my wife and kids, so i’m considering seeing a therapist, but i think it will be a waste of time. I’m not really addicted to games and such, i mean i do play on the computer but i don’t mind getting off to play with my kids or spend time with my wife, even if i don’t want to get off i dont’ get mad about it i just do it. And through the day i’m not really on much, only at night..

The other problem is my wife is being bothered by my sleeping habits. I usually go to sleep about 10-11AM and wake at about 2-3PM about 2-3 times a month i’ll go 24-36 hours without sleep altogether, i’m not forcing myself i just don’t feel tired.. i’ve tried sleeping pills and they have done nothing. My father had prescription sleeping pills i tried and still nothing ( i know it’s wrong )

umm, other than that i’m sorta addicted to sex.. I mean i want sex every single night.. of course the wife isn’t always int he mood which is understandable. But in the past when she denied me for whatever reason, i would just cuddle with her then go watch tv or play a game, but in the last couple of days, i have gotten so mad at her i wanted to kill myself.. It almost feels like i’m being denied love. I’m honestly not sure wtf is going on.. I’m assuming depression, and maybe a bit of anxiety.. But i’m no therapist. Any way Yeah what do you think.

What I think is what you think. Follow your own good instincts. You need the support and advice of a therapist who can give you more than what we’re able to do through a letter. For starters, it sounds to me that you are still grieving your friends and your parents’ unstable relationship and that you have a serious sleep disorder (that, btw, could contribute to your depression and your episodes of rage). You may be feeling even more upset about being unemployed than you are letting yourself acknowledge. Losing a job and feeling forced to take a “crappy” one is a major hit on most adults’ self-esteem. You are wise enough not to take your feelings out on the family who loves you but you do think about taking it out on yourself — which of course would do unestimable damage to the wife and children you leave behind. I wonder if you want sex so much because it is the only way you’ve found to truly relax.

As you can see, your letter left me with more questions than answers – except one: Do see a therapist and go into the project with as much courage, openness, and honesty as you can. Your family deserves it. So do you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Serious Trust Issue and Baby on the Way

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with my now husband for 3 years. Our relationship started out fantastic, we had our ups and downs of course, but he and myself are very strong minded people so its to be expected.

I’ve been cheated on in every previous relationship and I’ve never thought myself to be pretty or anything anyone should want. I think our problems started about a year ago when I found a naked picture of a friend of mine in his phone. I know he can’t help what gets sent to him, but he sent it to other people then talked about it with his brother. When I confronted him I was pretty upset, it ended in a huge fight in which he said I shouldn’t be going through his phone and I’m acting like an 8 year old and he left me in the bedroom crying.

After that incident I really got to be very nervous, always worrying. A few months later I was having a rough day and I’d been crying, he was home drinking and he kept trying to cheer me up when I got home, but once in a slump I sometimes struggle jumping right back out. Everything was fine, we even were in the bedroom getting intimate for a while. Later that night he got a text from a friend asking If him and a friend can come over. At first he asked me and I.of course wasn’t ok with it, she and him had a previous history, and I had heard from many people she still wanted him. At first he took it well, then suddenly he snapped. Accused me of keeping him from friends, saying I was ruining his life. He kicked me out, told me he never really wanted me to move in, so I left. (There were many other words exchanged ive made myself forget, I’ve never been so hurt in my life) as I walked out he said I love you we will work it out tomorrow.

I drove around not wanting to go home, I started to feel guilty that my jealousy had caused and a foolish fight making me think she liked him, so I called him. When I called him, he was in such a great mood, like him and I his girlfriend of two years had never even fought. I apologized for keeping him from his friends and explained I was just scared of losing him because she’s much prettier then me. He told me you won’t lose me and she’s not prettier then you, then suddenly he said I have to go, I said don’t cheat on me ok and he said ok love you and hung up. As he hung up I was driving by, and she was waking up our driveway. I was devastated but tried to stay somewhat positive.

I went to my parents, absolutely heartbroken, he text me after she left. He told me she brought back good memories, that she was his sunshine and I his greyclouds … he pretty much had nothing nice to say, he finally admitted he had cheated on me, he had made out with her. Then he just went to bed like it was no big deal what had happened.
I spent the most painful night on my parents couch crying harder then I’ve cried my whole life, I cried so much I threw up. I wish I could explain the extreme pain I felt, I’ve tried many times to find the words, but there are none.

I spent the next day putting in my two weeks at work. Withdrawing from college and planning to move to a different state with my grandparents. Later that day he finally woke up and sent me a text saying are you leaving me babe? I couldn’t believe him.
I went to the house to pack my bags, he begged me and begged me to stay, I finally gave in, but I was still completely broken. I felt terrible when I wasn’t around him, but when I was with him it helped just a little with the pain, after all he had been my best friend.

After that day he refused to let me speak about what happened, a few months later he proposed. We got married, but I almost backed out. I forgave him but try as I might I can’t forget. That night haunts me, I hurt so bad. It’s made me completely obsessed with thinking he’s going to be stolen away. I’m in constant worry, especially now that I’m pregnant.

This issue is causing a lot of problems, he calls me a one year old and doesn’t believe I have low confidence just that I’m being a bad person. He says lots of hurtful things, but I know its partly my constant worrying and bothering him.

I need help! How do I get past this?

Please, please, you two. Get yourselves to a couples counselor and work things out before your baby is born. All three of you deserve better than this. You can’t build a family on a foundation of distrust, dependency, guilt, and anger.

You need to understand that no one can steal your husband away unless he agrees to it. He needs to understand that hurtful words aren’t going to reassure you. Your attempts to monitor his every move are going to only make him feel trapped and angry. It’s a mess.

If you don’t attend to this now, it will only get messier: Once the baby arrives, you’ll both have less emotional and physical energy for dealing with the problems. I predict that you will feel vulnerable. He will feel like you are too controlling. Meanwhile the baby who needs both of your love and attention to grow and thrive will be short-changed.

You may be able to make a real marriage out of this situation yet but you’re going to need help to pull it off. If you could have done it by yourselves, you would have done it long ago. Please face up to that fact and talk to your doctor or another trusted person about how to go about finding the right therapist for you.

I wish all three of you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friends Say I’ve Changed and I’m Hypocritical

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hello, this is the last place I can go to… I can’t go to my sister because she is in my “friend’s” side. I hope someone can help me before this issue gets me more depressed than I already am; dealing with the right university, and money issues.

Today after my sister; Jannie, had returned home she told me that she needed to have a serious talk with me. Jannie had said that her and my friends; Carrie and Martha, had been talking about me. I had asked about what already knowing that this was going somewhere bad. You see Martha and I are close friends and we had our share fights in the past, one fight includes me telling her a secret and her exposing it to everyone so, I had an issue with trusting her with things.

Basically, Jannie had told me that they were talking about how I changed throughout high school and how I was acting more of a b*%#h; excuse my language. I defending myself by saying that I go to a high school in New York and I can’t be how I was in middle school; a pushover, shy, anti-social, but now it’s time to confront my friends. I want to tell them that they are being hypocritical, especially Martha.

She complains too much but claims she doesn’t, tends to throw things into peoples faces; not literally, but claims she is not like that, and lastly the one I dislike most, pretends not to talk about people but later on talks about other people behind their back. My sister always tends to agree with my “friends” instead of me and Carrie, she thinks I changed because I have more “attitude”. I think I know the reason for that; I had a bad day and got into a fight and accidentally gave her an attitude.

I don’t know how to confront them and this stress is killing me, with all the other things going on in my life, I feel as if I just can’t take it anymore… Help me with this issue in the least as I will try to work out the rest.

Thank you for reaching out for help during this stressful time in your life. I hear that you’re feeling really alone and you’re trying to make sense of the feedback your sister and your friends are giving you. It’s natural to feel guarded and to protect your feelings when you feel attacked and betrayed. The fact that you’re in a time of transition and making big life decisions like schooling and finances is extremely stressful.

Part of this transition to adulthood is that you’re trying to figure out who you want to be. You don’t want to be a pushover like you used to be, so you’re trying to take a stronger stand. It may be difficult for your friends and sister to know how to handle the changes you’re trying to make. You may also be coming off harsher than you think as you try to find the middle ground.

Here are a few concrete suggestions to help you manage your emotions and sort through your relationship with your sister and your friends:

  1. Instead of seeing them as a group “against” you, try to talk with them individually.
  2. Ask them to come to you directly with their concerns instead of talking with each other about you.
  3. Write down 3 things: the difficult feelings you have for each one of them, the positive feelings you have toward them, and why having a close relationship with them is so important to you.
  4. Talk with a counselor or psychotherapist. Ask your parent, your school counselor, or other trusted adult to help you find someone to talk to coach you through these relationship struggles.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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My spouse is acting crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i am separated from my spouse. i don’t know where she is or what she’s doing. we have been together for four years, always off and on. not because we don’t love each other, but because of these bizarre patterns of behavior… here is a summary of us as individuals- i am a mother, have a six figure job, managing a horse farm that breeds and sells racehorses. i have a ten year old son, a home, a mortgage, and tons of responsibility. she is a few years younger than i am, and has just a ton of amazing qualities, but has struggled her whole life. she has never finished school, and moves in and out of her parent’s house all the time, and has never been able to keep a job for more than a month or so. we have been in a relationship for four years, and made our lifelong commitment in a ceremony one year ago…
our relationship follows a cycle that has become very predictable- after a separation that usually lasts one to two months, she will get herself together, stop smoking dope, stop the drinking and partying, and we get back to our life together… we have tons of sex, do projects together, the finances are fine, everything is like a dream come true… then, things unravel, and fast… she will be ‘sick”, and start calling into work, want to drink more, and starts fighting with me about wanting to smoke dope as a way to deal with life… i never relent, because drugs are not a part of my life, and never will be, and usually the next phase is her just calling off work for a week or more at a time, and spending a lot more time sleeping (11-13 hrs per day), and getting herself up and out the door before i get home from work… after a few days of this, we are of course not getting along, because she is pushing me away, running around with all kinds of weird people, and expecting me to support her financially… also, the other big change is that she gets very aggressive verbally- she will start to call me all kinds of nasty names, and just act like a completely different person that happens to look identical to the person i want to spend my life with… i have perimeters for our relationship that i will not compromise on, like drugs, alcohol, not working, etc… so, when she loses her job, which always happens, or she quits because she hates it all of a sudden, she packs her things and is gone… she will move back into her mother’s house, and party constantly- sleep all day, and party all night. i’m not exactly sure what this phase entails, since we usually do not speak much during these times, but i think she binge drinks, chases other women (but does not typically sleep with them), and basically bottoms out. she is also very very angry, having many verbal confrontations, and sometimes a actual physical altercation with someone. the only other facet i have learned from a mutual friend is that she will tell lies- big ones- about herself, our relationship, etc… they seem to center around money, importance, etc…
as far as mental health goes, we are both adhd, although i am medicated now, which has made my life totally different, and she is not.
i know my life and this situation sounds totally insane, and i don’t have a support system with my family or friends… but when this cycle starts all over again, she is the person i fell in love with, and she has such a close relationship with my son… on a side note, none of these weird behaviors ever involve my child… she has never been anything but polite, caring, and involved in his life… she has never raised her voice towards him or anything… when she is acting normal, she is a fun, caring, family oriented human being… but when she starts to go downhill, all bets are off. it’s like a stranger is inside her, and i can’t even reach her anymore.
currently, we are apart, and have been for most of this year… she says she loves me, but she hates me. she is in the phase where everybody is out to get her. whether we make it or not, i love her, and worry about her, and i don’t want to abandon her. the only contact we have right now is when she calls to tell me she loves me… and i get reports through our mutual friends, which are few, that she talks about me and how much she misses me and loves me…
this situation is so far out of my league, i honestly don’t know what to do. in the past, i have tried forgetting about her, i have tried dating other people, but i have no desire to even do that. i am in love with her, and i need some help… basically to help me know what to do. i know that i can’t force her to seek treatment, and with her lack of healthcare, there’s not much available for her that i’m aware of. i am a big believer in commitment, and i have never felt like i want to turn my back and just walk away, although i also know i won’t allow these rollercoaster rides to ruin my son’s life or mine. help me please!!!

How very painful this must be – for both of you. When things are good, they’re wonderful. But the bad times are eroding the relationship.

I can’t diagnose someone on the basis of a letter, of course. I do think your spouse needs an evaluation by a psychologist or psychiatrist. If she were to see me, the information you presented would lead me to consider whether she is suffering from bipolar disorder. You might want to look up that diagnosis in the Psych Central library and see if it fits. If I’m right, the good news is that this is a treatable illness. A combination of medication and talk therapy would help her learn to manage herself better. Allowing you to participate at least some of the time in the therapy sessions would help you learn some ways to help her recognize when she is losing control and how to help her put on the brakes.

When I did some searching on the web, I found a number of mental health clinics in your city. Such clinics usually offer care on a sliding fee scale, accept insurance, or have some free care. You could also ask your doctor about places in your area that offer affordable mental health services.

Loving, wonderful relationships are hard to find. I hope you both will do your best to find the help you need to stay together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Was What My Mom Did My Fault?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

The problem started with my mom using psychiatric hospitals to punish me. If I did something that upset her like fighting with my brother, talking back, suspended from school, ect. She would call the psychiatric hospital and tell them I was suicidal and was going to kill myself. Of course that wasn’t true. She wanted to punish me but didn’t want to take the time to do it herself. So she would have me put in the hospital instead. She did it several times over the course of my childhood (10-18).

The problem from it was I was abused in the hospital (spinal injury from being held down, locked in the solitary room from 7pm-8am) not because I was acting out, but because this particular staff member was the kind that liked to show they were in charge. Stuff I told my mom about but she would tell me I was lying to get out.

Had additional problems in school with bullies and me getting blamed for starting fights and being locked in the schools solitary room for hours on end (special education school).

Then she took me to the hospital again to have me admitted, but they didn’t think I was suicidal this time around and wouldn’t take me. Next thing I know she’s trying to get me put in a group home, that didn’t work out either. So then she takes me to child services and tells them I am hitting her and my brother and they are afraid for their lives. I never hit her once, and brothers being brothers, yea we fought. Child services was about to take me up until they told my mom it would be $600 a month she would have to pay to them for child support for my care. Then all the sudden I wasn’t hitting her and my brother anymore, the story changed. She ended up taking me home.

She never took the time to hear my side of the story from the schools, and never tried to sit down and figure out how to deal with the bullies at school. Basically in short, she never was on my side.

Anyhow, long story short I developed PTSD from the hospital visits. And lost the connection with her I once had before all this stuff. I confronted her about 2 years ago about the hospital visits she lied to get me put into or the spinal injury that resulted from a visit, the lying to get me put in a group home and not believing me about the abuse at school, and the bullies. She told me she didn’t feel guilty at all, and that if I was a better child it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I broke off contact with her about 14 months ago.

Basically I was wondering what you thought about the situation. Do you feel she was right for doing/saying what she did? Was she right and it was my fault that what happened, happened? Thanks.

-Stanley

Dear Stanley, I do not know all of the facts nor do I know her version of the events but based on what you wrote, what your mother did to you was wrong and I would consider it a form of child abuse. However, I’d like to add in one caveat. I have worked with individuals who were severely mentally ill but were unable to recognize it. They would experience psychosis to the point where they’d engage in bizarre, uncontrollable or dangerous behavior. They’d subsequently have to be committed to a hospital against their will by their families. If asked, these individuals would adamantly deny that they had a psychotic episode and they’d express anger at their family members for putting them in the hospital. It’s almost as if they had no memory of the psychotic event or were oblivious to the fact that it had happened. From their perspective, they were fine one minute and the next they were forced in a hospital for “no reason.” I am not saying that this was what happened to you. That is probably not what you experienced. What I am saying is that though it’s unlikely in your situation it has been the case for other individuals.

Based on your version of events, it seems that instead of trying to find ways to discipline you your mother found it easier to commit you to a hospital. I am not clear if she was doing this as a form of punishment or if she was unable to punish you herself and out of desperation took you to a hospital. I am also curious about whether your mother only did this to you. How did she treat your brother? How did she discipline him?

You asked if what happened to you was your fault. I respond to that question with a resounding no. Even if you were misbehaving and out of desperation your mom had you committed to a hospital it’s not your fault. You were a child and she is an adult. Children need love, guidance, attention, discipline, and much more. If she needed help with parenting or discipline then she could have sought outside assistance or counseling for you, herself or the family. There are other ways to handle a misbehaving child (you may not have even been misbehaving) that does not involve having the child involuntarily committed or placed in a group home. There may be reasons to explain her behavior but there are no valid excuses for it. What she did to you was wrong and unfortunately you suffered greatly for it. You’re left with the burden of physical and emotional scars.

It may be for the better that you and she are not in contact. You did not say why the split occurred but perhaps the space will give you a chance to heal. Don’t let the past dictate your future. What happened to you was unfortunate but as an adult you now have the power to positively affect the direction of your life. I hope you are able recover from you physical and psychological wounds and live a happy and productive life. I wish you luck and thank you for writing.

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