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i cancelled my wedding

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q from Canada:i was supposed to marry my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years in may. however, the august of last year he said that i wasn’t motivated or inspirational and he didn’t love me anymore. immediately i had a great group of friends to fall on and i seeked professional help. the therapist asked if i believed what he had said and i said no. she told me to not let him tell me things i didn’t believe. i went home, stood up for myself, and a week later he wanted to work things out(but still not get married) i know how this sounds and i think that’s what depresses me so much. however, we really are best friends and rely on each other a lot. i think it has a lot to do with how he was raised. his mother has made a hobby of getting married and therefore he and all his siblings are very numb and oblivious to the act of love. i’m scared there’s no hope for him. i’m scared he will be like this forever. i think i may be more depressed for him. i’m so sad inside but i feel i can’t talk to him about this. i feel like i need to prove how motivated and inspired i am all the time. but i know i already am and i used to like myself just fine.

another note of significance is my younger brother has been a drug addict for about 7 years. its to the point now that i really don’t have hope regardless of clinics and programs. we were very close growing up and now i feel as if he has died( many times over) i’m not sure if this will help but it is an issue that is always on my mind.
thank you for your time.

You certainly do have a lot on your mind. Let’s start with the boyfriend. Of course you are best friends! You two have grown up together and seen each other through some hard times with your brother (and maybe other things besides). But a choice you made for a partner at age 17 might not be the same choice you would make at 25. There’s nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with a relationship that is so out of balance, with you working so hard to “prove” yourself while he holds back. He may have issues with love and trust but you can’t work those out for him. Hopefully, he will do as you did and find himself a therapist. His past doesn’t have to dictate his present or his future but it will take some work. I’m glad you were wise enough to cancel the wedding. As you describe the situation, a marriage with this young man would diminish your sense of self and leave you always feeling like something important was missing.

My suggestion is that you take a big break, meet other people, and see what develops over the next year or so. You may find someone who loves you as wholeheartedly as you deserve. Then again, your boyfriend just may do his work, grow up , and be a suitable partner.

I am very, very sorry that your younger brother has let drugs take over his life. It must be very painful for your entire family. He is still young. He may yet decide that he wants more out of life. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make him do that. All you can do is love him and let him know that you hope for more for him. In the meantime, I suggest that you get in contact with the local chapter of Al-Anon/Alateen. The web site is http://www.al-anon.alateen.org. That organization offers practical help and support to families of people who have become addicted to alcohol or drugs.

I’m glad you have some good friends who stand by you. I hope you get back into the social world and enjoy being young. You have plenty of time to find the right guy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Addicted Parents Are Ruining My Life

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.:  Im an 18 year old girl, who comes from a family of five. Both of my parents are heavy drinkers, with my father being more functional then my mother. My mother has recently suffered a brain injury, which the medication paired with alcoholism is turning her personality into a different woman. She has been taking Suboxine, and recently is trying to detox herself. She has been going through withdrawals and is pretty wicked when it happens.

My almost boyfriend has family ties to our town, and his family in the past has been associated with the drug users on my mothers side. He’s older then I am, 21- but I met him through social groups because I am more advanced educationally which leads me to older social groups. Because of this, my father believes he’s a bad person even though everyone in his home has an AA card and is on the SAME DETOX TREATMENT MY MOTHER IS CURRENTLY USING. They’ve been clean for years after the BF lost his mother, to non drug causes.

I went out for lunch with him and kept her updated about my day. After lunch he wanted to go to a friends house, and instead of going home I went with him. I missed a single phone call because I didn’t feel the vibrations and just ignored the call. My boyfriend gets a phone call from his sister that my truck is being removed from his house by my mother. She made a spare key without telling me and used it to drive my truck away. – this truck is registered in my fathers name but I pay for insurance and all other fees. ( oil, maintenance, gas ) I return home at around 5:30, still really early to her showing up to his house, and beginning to yell and berate him! She put her hands on him, all while the boyfriend is trying his best to retain his composure, hands in his pockets and not even speaking which at that point his older sister (30ish) stepped in between and began to yell at her, threatening to call the cops. This went on for what felt like an hour but was probably 15-20 minutes.  Eventually my mother gets in MY TRUCK and is yelling at me to return home.

My mom used to hit me a lot as a child, and now that I’m older she’s less inclined to do so, but she will still attempt it depending on how intoxicated she is.

I went home with her to avoid her going to jail, when all I wanted to do was just never see her again. I’ve attempted to call the police on her in the past, several times and I stoped calling when the last time she choked me in front of a uniformed officer and they didn’t do anything about it

I’ve tried to talk to them together about how I want to keep seeing him, he truly is a good guy and hasn’t wronged me in any way. That lead to my father threatening to beat the shit out of me if I ever spoke of him again, and my mother now throwing it in my face whatever chance she gets.

I haven’t seen him in two weeks and I’ve become severely depressed and reclusive.

Not every kid gets the parents they deserve. Sadly, you are among them. You need more help than I can reasonable supply in an advice column. Please look into whether there is an Alateen chapter in your area. Look online for more information about the organization. If there aren’t meetings locally, consider joining their chat. Also consider joining one of the forums available here at Psych Central to get more support.

Regarding the issues with the “almost boyfriend”: It sounds to me like your parents’ reactions were more about control than about the boy. Ditto regarding the use of the truck and when you got home. If that’s the case, I’m afraid you’ll have to figure out how to navigate their need for control with your need for independence. Please consider getting some therapy to help you determine how to manage it. Fortunately, at 18 you are almost able to get out on your own.

You need to be making plans for leaving the situation you are in. It’s not going to get better unless and until your parents take their own recoveries seriously. Fighting with them won’t help. It will just make you feel worse. Talking to them calmly and with caring might help but, even if they do go into a recovery program of some kind, change will take a long time. Complicating things even more is whatever effect the brain injury had on your mother. I hope she is getting the help she needs to recover as much as she can.

Talk to your school guidance counselor about what you need to do to get into college (and to pay for it). If you’re not ready for college, look into gap year programs. Not ready for that either? Plan for how you will be able to afford to get a place of your own (probably with housemates) when you graduate. If you haven’t already, get an internship or a part-time job that will give you some skills and a resume.

Please, please don’t make the mistake of moving in with a new boyfriend to get out of your parents’ home. That is not a solution that will end well. You described him as your “almost” boyfriend. That’s not enough of a relationship to move in together. If the relationship fails, not only will you feel awful but your parents will see it as justification for their concern and control.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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My mom is stealing and abusing drugs

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: For the past 2 years I have been aware that my mom is taking drugs from her hospital where she works and using them at home. Her behavior started changing after the death of a few family elders, when I asked her about her changes, she said she was despressed, and yes, sometimes came home from work and cried for hours in the bathroom. I accepted this answer. It got worse and worse; I saw bruises on her arms, and bloody tissues in the bathroom waste. I confronted her again, and she said this time it was menopause, she had trouble sleeping at night because of hot flashes, and because of her job she HAD to be well rested the next morning, so sometimes she would mix wine and some PM medicine to help her fall asleep. Again, i accepted this (though i shouldnt have). Then, a year later, and a year ago this time, I walked in on my mother on the floor of her bathroom, blood on her hands, and a syringe on the floor. I asked her what the hell she was doing and shut the bathroom door–she said she had a cut on her foot.

I have yet to confront her again, but i did confide in my brother and father. My father told her that if she was taking anything for her knee injury she needed to stop and get it fixed–for a while the problem stopped. We all thought this was her wakeup call, and it would be good. However, i have recently realized she is back into the habit, having found a new stash where her old one once was, and had been empty for months.

I want to talk to her, soon, so as to make sure she does not fall back into her old habbits. However, everytime I try to, I become afraid and make excuses–it is an inapropriate place, or time, or day, i am wrong, etc.

My mother and father don’t get along well, but we all live in the same house. They just don’t speak much. When they do, it is pleasant conversation. I have an older brother who i talk to about the situation who also does not know what to do. We have a younger sister who is always aware of my mothers erratic behavior, but i believe does not know why it occurs, as me and my brother try and shield her from it. I am tired of having to make excuses to her about my mother and get her out and distract her when my mother is acting this way.

What should I do???

This is very, very hard. As the oldest daughter, you have taken on the responsibility of protecting your younger sister and trying to help your mother. It’s no wonder to me that you are having trouble talking to your mom about her problems. You love her. You are angry with her. She should be “mothering” you, not the other way around. You know she probably won’t listen to you but you can’t give up on her. Your father isn’t taking charge of the situation, leaving you much too much on your own. Something does need to be done. Your mother is not only letting her family down but she may be endangering the patients in her care.

My best suggestion is that you find an Alateen meeting in your city. Alateen is part of Alanon and is a program that helps teens deal with an alcohol or drug-abusing parent. You can find information at

If there is a counseling service at your college, you could also ask for a referral to a local family counseling program. A family counselor would help your whole family talk to your mom and would provide support for each family member.

The best way to help your mom and the rest of your family is to get some help for yourself. You took an important first step by writing. Now follow through by reaching out for some support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Dad Won’t Let Me Live with Him Because My Step Mom Said No, Even Though 50/50 Custody

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So my parents have 50/50 custody, the past year i was kicked out living my aunt because my parents didn’t want to deal with me . Anyways now i want to live with my dad but my mom wants me to live with her. 1. I do not get along with my mom, there’s never a moment where we do not fight and she lives in a tiny one-bedroom apartment and i would have to sleep on the floor. At my dad’s , i want to live there but my stepmom is telling my dad i can’t ?? I have a room there and everything, she says because she doesn’t trust me and she doesn’t feel safe around me when she’s literally thrown stuff at my head, called the cops on me and everything. Living with my dad may be sucky but it’s a hell of a lot better than sleeping on the floor. What do i do if my dad refuses to let me live with him even though i’m still a minor.

Because they are sharing custody, they most likely have a legal agreement that was made in court and sanctioned by a judge. Therefore, this issue is something that will likely need to be dealt with in a court setting.

In custody proceedings, particularly in those that are contentious, children are often represented by individuals known as a guardian ad litem. These individuals may be social workers or other mental health professionals who are appointed by the court to represent children who are not of legal age and legally not considered able to make decisions for themselves. In California, you need to be 18 in order to make legal decisions for yourself (and that is likely true in most other states). The job of the guardian ad litem is to represent the interests of the child during legal proceedings. Their goal is to ensure the child’s best interest.

You might want to ask your aunt to assist you in requesting a guardian ad litem from the court or do this yourself, if you know how. You might be able to contact the judge or one of your parents’ attorneys in order to make the request.

Your request would likely prompt a court hearing to assess your living situation. This would serve as a good opportunity for you to make your case for living with your father. It may also assist you in getting extra support both psychologically and financially. You mentioned that your mother lives in a tiny apartment. The guardian ad litem may be able to advocate for additional resources to better accommodate your living situation.

Another request to consider is family therapy. Specifically, this could assist you, your father, and your stepmother in resolving some of the issues you have described. Family therapy is often useful in situations involving stepfamilies. It’s not uncommon for there to be strains on relationships with blended families. Family therapy could be the ideal solution to this problem.

If you have the option of therapy, request a therapist that specifically has training in stepfamily dynamics. A skilled therapist can help to resolve some of these issues and make living together much easier.

Another consideration is the possibility that it may be in your best interest to continue living with your aunt. You mentioned that you would prefer living with your father, but it may not be the ideal situation for you especially if your stepmother doesn’t want you living there. Ideally, you want to be living where you are welcome. You didn’t mention much about your aunt and why you no longer want to live with her. Maybe it’s just your preference, but you may want to consider her as an option.

In the meantime, you’re going to be turning 18 very soon and graduating high school. This marks a new chapter in your life. If possible, it may be best to get a job and start saving your money, so you can eventually live more independently. Counseling and related services could assist you in transitioning into a more independent living situation. Utilize the services that may be available to you through the court. The more assistance you have, the easier it will be to live independent of your family. Clearly, they are struggling with their own issues and thus learning to survive on your own will be important.

I hope this answer provides you some insight into how to move forward with your issue. Don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions or wish to provide additional information. The information I have about your personal life and situation helps me to help you. The more the better. Good luck with your efforts. Thanks for writing.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Drug Addiction is Hurting Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We get along great and would do anything for each other. However, our relationship has taken a slight turn for the worse just this past month. My boyfriend smokes marijuana everyday (I personally do not, but dont mind that he does). And i knew that sometimes on special occasion he used other drugs as well, such as cocaine. This never really bothered me because he kept reassuring me that him and his friends were smart about the drug, knew how dangerous it could be if not handled correctly. And the special occasion cocaine use never effected our relationship or how well we were together.

It wasnt until 3 weeks ago that i heard he had done cocaine with some friends out of boredom, I asked him, he denied. Later he told me the truth, that he had done it. In fact he also confessed that he started using cocaine more frequently (about 3 times a month). I was shocked, that he could and did hide this from me. I was upset, he agreed he would stop, and was very apologetic. He knew he had to regain my trust. Everything I thought was going to be okay. Until I get a call that my boyfriend was in the hospital after collapsing unconscious after cocaine use with his same friends. He has admitted he has an addiction problem. Again is very apologetic, says it took this close call for him to learn. Says he really wants my help. I am very worried. Not sure what my role as girlfriend entitles now, and not sure if I should stick around? I love him, and we have so much great history together. I do care about him a lot, and want to help. But dont know if i am even someone who can help, or if this is something he needs to do on his own? I am filled with mixed emotions, as this was a recent event. I dont know where to go from here.

As you are finally discovering, when someone is involved with drugs, they are not completely involved with you. There has always been an affair in this relationship — his affair with drugs. The good news is that he has admitted to an addiction problem. Apparently, the hospitalization was a wakeup call. The test of whether he is someone to stay with is whether he follows up with treatment. People can and do get into long-term recovery. People can and do give up drugs forever.

Your role in this is to cease being so tolerant! You absolutely should mind that he is using weed every day. You absolutely shouldn’t tolerate that he uses cocaine — even occasionally. It may not affect your life all that much now when you’re both in high school but it will definitely affect his ability to get on with adult life once you get out of school. Growing up means learning to manage emotions, decisions, social life, and relationships without the haze of drugs. He needs to find a better group of friends and much better things to do with his time that will help him prepare to get into adult life, not check out of it.

I suggest you find the local chapter of Alateen to help you figure out how best to be helpful and whether the signs are right that he is worth sticking around for. Alateen is part of the Al-Anon programs. It helps teens who are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use. Check out the Alateen website. You will find out more about the program and and you can locate a meeting near you.

I wish you well.
Dr. marie

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Tension Between Family and My Life

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I really need an outside source to hear my side of the story and hear how I feel. I have known this guy for a long time, but we only recently started admitting feelings for each other, so now we have been exclusive for over 2 months. I know that is not very long, but we have already been through more together than I have in my whole life. The basics of him and me are, we are both 18, we are young; we go out and have a good time. He is white, but he has a little black in him as well. My family is very traditional and wants me to date a white/Italian male only. So that was red flag number one. Number two, was that he is known to smoke a lot of weed and my dad is strongly against that. The third thing is that recently I found him after he had hung himself in woods out by where we were hanging out after a large fight by our group of friends. He was drunk, actually blew a 1.2 in the Breathalyzer. So my family is very scared for me to be with him now. But Tyler has gotten help since then, and I strongly feel that he is going to get better. I am very happy with him, and I want to help him work out these problems he has. My dad expects me to leave him within the next month, and I just can’t. I can see Tyler and I going somewhere and having a future together, and I am just not aloud. He has been nothing but good to me, aside from the suicide incident. I saved his life, and I feel that he needs me. And I will not leave him in his time of need, nor do I want to. I care about him a lot, what should I do? I really need help, and I need Tyler and I to work. My dad is having me choose either him or my boyfriend, and it isn’t fair to choose between the two important men in my life.

Thank you for asking your important question. The fact that your boyfriend tried to hang himself means that there has been something unresolved in him for a while. That kind of drastic action doesn’t spring up overnight.

While I applaud you being so loyal and resilient, I also think it is important to keep developing yourself. What I mean by this is that the heavy use of weed, the heavy use of alcohol, and the suicide attempt are extremely serious issues that you cannot fix. He needs a lot of support and therapy and rehabilitation for him to turn a corner. I realize what I am about to say will sound lame, but I am going to say it anyway because it is the truth. Your boyfriend can’t be your whole life. You may want to have him in your life and be his friend –or even girlfriend, but keeping him sober, drug-free and alive can’t be your mission. When someone is as involved as he is in his issues, people close to them go into orbit around them. Don’t become one of the satellites. Be sure to keep your friends, your goals and dream and your self care at the top of the list.

I higlhy recommend you go to an Alateen meeting They are free and there is sure to be one located in your area. They can help with support as you move through this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Friend Is Being Abused By Her Stepdad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Around two years ago I found out that one of my closest friends was being abused by her stepdad. I know he would physically abuse her, and I’m pretty sure he mentally abused her too. She always dismissed it saying that he was drunk, but I could tell she still resented him and was very scared of him. She assured me that he never really hit her anymore but recently she would come to school with cuts on her face. When I asked her about it all she said was that she had been missing school because she was sick and her stepdad hated when she missed school. I was immediately concerned and considered reporting it but I knew my friend was scared that if the abuse was reported that she would get taken away from her mom and have to live with her dad in Florida. She hates her dad so much that she would rather ive with her abusive stapdad and she insist that her real dad is not fit to take care of here. I know she trusts me not to report it and I know if I did she would feel betrayed and would probably never forgive me. I normally would talk to my mom about this whole situation but she is a teacher and therefore is a mandated reporter. I need help deciding what to do. I try to be there for her but I feel horrible letting the abuse happen. should i report it and hope that if she does get removed from the household that she would go live with another family, like her grandparents who live in the same town, or should I just continue to be there for my friend?

Your friend is very lucky to have you. You are thoughtful and caring of her emotions, and this is exactly what she doesn’t have at home. With an abusive stepdad it means she also has to live with a mother who allows is abuse. Your friend has no real support at home because one parent is abusive and the other condones it. Your friendship is an important part of your friend’s ability to see this through. I admire your caring and love for your friend.

The best course of action for now is to support your friend and offer to go with her for some help. There is an organization called Alateen that helps teenagers cope with family members who have problems with alcohol. Her acknowledgement that his abuse often occurs after drinking is what qualifies her for this organization and your connection with your friend is enough of a qualification for you to go as well.

I’d look up on the internet where there are meetings near you and go together. No one there is mandated to report the abuse. But these groups are typically highly helpful in navigating the feelings that come with an abusive alcoholic parent and a neglectful one. In this way you can help your friend understand three things. First- that you can be there with her as an active source of support. Secondly that she is not alone. Sadly, many other teens have experienced what she is experiencing and they have been able to support and help each other through this 12-step program. Finally, when she is ready to break away from her family and move on to a mentally and physically healthier life there will be guidance.

I will also encourage you to call the local woman’s center. You can do it his anonymously to find out what resources they have. Again, sadly, there have been many abused and fearful children of abusive fathers and fearful mothers. They have real experience and counseling and support that can guide you further in helping your friend.

Your love and concern is a tribute to your friendship and your own health and well-being is very important. Please be sure when you talk to the woman’s center to express the difficulty behind having to keep your friends secret out of respect for her. This is a real concern for your well-being, and they will have some suggestions for you to take care of yours.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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