Tag:

Alienation

I am so very confused

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 2nd, 2024

I am not really quite sure about where or how to start this off because “I” believe that there may be other factors than just depression going on, but I am not even sure if I really have it or just hoping that I do so I can finally have an answer for why I feel the way I do.

I will go ahead and start off with a brief description of my past to also aid you in helping me out. As a young kid and up through elementary school I was quite shy. Although this would seem usual for younger kids to me it just seemed to, well, get in the way of making friends or just being a kid in general. I felt more comfortable in my room watching TV or playing videogames by myself rather than being around anyone. I made a few friends here and there but looking back on it, it just doesn’t seem normal. From high-school and up until I was turned 20 things became worse to say the least. More time spent alone by myself doing things and I didn’t go out much at all so I just seemed to gain weight all the time. My self-esteem was rock bottom and self-hate just seemed to radiate from me. The ability to be able to socially interact and make friends seemed to worsen and the few I had would at times become abusive physically and mentally, I seemed to just serve as an example to others. This only further cut deeper into the depression, alienation and antisocial behaviors that I seemed to have. This increased to the point of self-mutilation and lots of thoughts of suicide. This of course was in my late teens and was unsure at the time about how to handle depression and that is all I knew. Eventually my parents caught on and I was taken to a doctor and prescribed anti-depressant medication but eventually stopped taking them. Reaching 20 years old I just seemed to become so disconnected and out of sync with reality that it started to cause real problems with family and what friends I had. Things eventually clicked in my mind and I had an extreme desire to change myself physically and mentally. Going out, going to the gym, starting college, trying to make friends…etc.

While I have dramatically changed from those three years ago when I began. I still feel mentally tortured day to day and at times it gets so extreme I cry myself to sleep. I do a lot of online reading and am taking psychology classes in college in hopes of just being able to understand these things. Although I am unsure if I am making myself believe I have these problems or if I really need to seek help.

I haven’t made the effort yet to talk to a doctor yet because I am really unsure where to start or where to go and I don’t really have the money. I don’t discuss these problems with friends or family because I do not believe they understand. While not every waking moment of my life is torture I would say about 3/4 of the time things are just dull and empty. Happiness doesn’t seem to exist, I almost never smile or find the want to. I easily lose interest in activities and other things that I have enjoyed in the past. Sadness is quite common and am easily pushed emotionally in one way or another. Crying episodes seem to happen quite often as I feel so very lonely, worthless and angered at myself for my failures in the past. Which sometimes become so extreme that I cry myself to sleep some nights. I feel out of energy and can’t ever seem to completely wake up as it feels like I am in a dazed mood all the time. I also at times find it hard to concentrate, especially when I am feeling really down. There is also times that I just do not want to talk to anyone or go anywhere at all, which I believe I am in right now. For an example, today was my birthday and I turned 23. I just really didn’t care that it was my birthday, if I went the entire day without anyone saying or doing anything I wouldn’t of even cared. I didn’t even make any attempts to go out with any friends or to even celebrate at all. I just feel empty and can find no happiness or joy in life.

Although depression is the main issue I believe other factors might as well contribute. While I have made an effort to help myself I still have a rather hard time socializing. I often at times get anxious and stressed in social situations. Especially around those I don’t know and even at times I feel anxious and stressed around my own family members. I have always found it hard to socially connect with anyone at all or finding something in common or even being able to indulge in small talk. I am very shy and most of the time short with people and often feel it might of been better if I just hadn’t even made the attempt to talk to anyone. After reading around it seems that there is a chance I have social-anxiety and if I remember correctly can attribute to depression?

Lastly I have led myself to believe there is a chance that I might be bipolar. The reason for this being is that it seems that I have large mood swings every month or two. This past November and December I slipped into bad depression and continued to stay depressed up through the beginning of January. Then my mood took a swing the other way and it was very uplifting as for once as I actually felt happy and things were going the right way. Although the end of February I believe I began a decline again and as of today I have began hitting a low point again it seems.

I am unsure of any of this as things seem so scrambled most of the time. But I am sure of one thing and that is that I want this mental anguish to end because it is really taking a toll on me. I also suppose I should put forward the fact that I do now and have in the past drank alcohol, smoked marijuana and took painkillers to just get away from it all. I find myself saying this a lot…but I just want to be normal for once. These problems are driving me out of my mind and I just want it to stop. I am unsure where to go, who to turn to or what to do. But I have got to start making steps I believe or I am going to lose control. So for whoever attempts to tackle this, thank you. Thank you very much for at least trying to help me make sense of it all.

Hello. I’m so glad you wrote. I hope I can help you out of the spin you’re in. Your letter is an excellent reflection of your state of mind. People who are in distress or depressed often ruminate – meaning that they go over and over and over the reasons they feel bad, the possibilities for why, the many reasons why it’s hopeless, and the equally many reasons they are helpless to change it. You are spending hours trying to figure out what is wrong with you and tracking the history of your feelings. Enough already. You are only going around and around and around and not finding a way out – which only makes you feel worse.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. I suggest to you that at this point it doesn’t really matter what the label is. You feel terrible. You can’t figure out how to make things better. You do want a better life.

Please. Give yourself the respect and caring you deserve. Find yourself a therapist. Most colleges have a mental health center where you can at least get an evaluation and a referral. It doesn’t fall on you to have a diagnosis in hand before you talk to someone. That’s what they are trained to do. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know where to start. A therapist will know how to elicit information from you that will help you both understand you. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have much money. Many mental health centers and private therapists have a sliding fee scale to make therapy affordable. Your college may have clergy who provide pastoral counseling for free. You can also make a start by talking online with a counselor at the Boys and Girls Town National Hotline at 800-448-3000.

If you could have stopped the spin on your own, a smart guy like you would have done so long ago. I hope you will now reach out to get the help you need. You’ve suffered much too long.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 2, 2024 0 comment

My Son Married an Armenian Woman and Has Alienated His Whole Family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 17th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My son’s wife I believe brainwashed him. We were a very close family up till the day after he married this Armenian woman. We, meaning the whole family, grandmother, sister, cousins, and aunt. We are a small family. We are not allowed to know where they live. He admits that his wife is mean to me in hopes I never will visit again. He has allowed this behavior from her which I do not understand.

My mom, sister, daughter and I went out for two days and only got to see the children the first day at dinner. The second day my son came out by himself. When my daughter went to hug his wife, his wife kept her arms to her side. I have sent birthday gifts and his wife has given them as if they were from my son and her.

Any advice would be appreciated. I have recently just told my son to leave us all alone until he can respect us all. He wanted to come visit by himself for a few hours. His family has been to town and had not even called for us to visit with the children.

His grandfather that has money gets framed pictures of the children, my mom gets nothing. My sister’s son and my son were very close. Grew up like brothers. He no longer has anything to do with him. My son is very successful. He is a Dr of Pharmacy and a Director at a large company. He also runs a lab and is a professor that taught compounding medicine for human and zoo animals. He is very smart but no common sense.

His last girlfriend and him were just fine with us all. They were together for 3 years. He met this woman in NY, she was a chef. She received her education in France. Our family had a flower shop that I managed and then owned for 25 years. We lived 1 block from the shop. My sister, my only sibling and her family lived in FL. My parents took my children at least 4-5 times a year. Then our sons would meet in New Orleans, when they were old enough to drive. I have tried everything and am tired of crying. Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.

I can only imagine how painful it is for you to be separated from your son and your grandchildren in this way. But you are correct: Your daughter-in-law is not solely at fault. Your son is allowing this situation to exist. Although it is certainly appropriate for him to put his own family first in many ways, there is no reason for him to do so at the expense of your relationship with him and his children — and his wife.

His wife is apparently asking him to choose between her and his family of origin. This is generally a disastrous demand. No one should have to choose between the people he loves and the people who love him. Such a separation often eventually erodes the marriage.

You have ended up putting him in the same bind his wife did. Telling him to leave you alone until he can behave differently only deprives you of seeing him.

I suggest that you bide your time. Love him as best you can. Let him know how much you miss seeing him and his family. Repeat that you are prepared to love his wife as well — and mean it. As Michelle Obama said in her convention speech, “When someone goes low, go high.” You will feel better about yourself and you leave an opening for your son to reconnect at some point.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 17, 2022 0 comment

Does My Mother Have a Mental Illness Problem?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 12th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: I am losing hope and no one I contacted can give me help because no one knows what I’m going through which brings me here.

I have no idea if my mother is ill or not, I feel very sorry for her because of this. She is a single and very lonely 55 year old. I still live with her, but planning to move out as soon as possible because of her condition. My brother moved out because he couldn’t deal with her.

We both have a very bad relationship with her because she constantly accuses us and everyone else for stealing her things. She says ‘stop taking my toothpaste’ or ‘toilet paper’, just everyday objects around the house. Even when we deny it she still believes herself and goes ‘well the locals must have taken them.’ She says these types of things only when they have ran out. Every time my boyfriend is over, when he leaves she accuses him of taking things.

She is unemployed and hasn’t had a job for over 10 years because of this and being home 24/7 and being bored isn’t helping it. She has lost all of her friends because she accuses them of taking her things like the front door for example. Even with serious matters like paying the rent, she says she pays it but she obviously hasn’t seeing as we are getting evicted and she still is saying it’s all a lie and ignoring it.

My father is trying to help her, but he says it’s too difficult because she never listens to anyone. She is just believing her lies. I want to move out so badly, but I don’t want to leave her alone because all she has is me and no one else as my brother doesn’t talk to her.

Another example if something gets ran out of or broken she won’t buy a new one because she’ll think someone will steal it ‘again’. She doesn’t listen to us when we say get help so I have no idea what to do. Whenever she leaves the house she takes all her belongings with her because she’ll think I’ll take them. I seriously need answers because as much as I try to ignore it, it’s still extremely hard for me.

I can’t make a specific diagnosis on the basis of a letter. I’d need to meet with your mom. But you’ve given me enough information to confirm that, yes, she does have a problem. It’s pointless to try to reason with her because her beliefs are irrational. You and the family need to take stronger steps toward getting her help that is helpful.

The first stop should be with her physician. There are a number of medical problems that can cause the type of paranoia you describe. It’s important to check for those before pursuing a mental health intervention. It may be that the problem is as simple as a vitamin deficiency, but it might also be a more complicated medical issue.

If she is medically okay, then it’s time for a mental health evaluation. It must be very difficult for her to live with the level of anxiety and fear that you described. A combination of some medication and talk therapy could help her live more comfortably in the world.

At 17, there is a limit to what you can do. It’s unfair for the rest of the family to leave it to you to manage and protect your mom. I hope you can enlist your father and perhaps other relatives to get her real help. I suggest that the most useful first step is to hold a family meeting without her. Talk about how you can work together to find out what help is available and how to provide the incentives she needs to accept your collective support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 12, 2021 0 comment

I Like Having a Billion Things Wrong with Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 31st, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Canada: I’m 15, my sister has many mental disorders, when i was 12 i was depressed, i’;m happy now. i’m overwhelmingly sexually attracted to girls. I’m quite dark, i like dark humor, im nice, im also a jerk. I never show anger publicly, on my own i scream silently at the smallest things. Im a huge movie fan, when i see a scene where my favorite character gets attention i freak out. i love it. it’s like a walking seizure. I have a lot of desires. one day i want to be a hero, the other a villain. im really selfish, im a bit of a hypochondriac but i love mental illness. i really want one. I like fire. not in a dangerous way. i try really hard to be a rebel. i feel like i have multiple personalities mixed into one. my views and opinions on things change weekly. i fall in love with girls as long as their beautiful and good girls.

i try to be a bad boy. I’ve always been friends with troublemakers and people in bad situations. i find everyday life extremely boring, i really want thrill. Im an attention hog but im also shy. I get mad easily but dont show it. everyday i care about school less. I like breaking rules but i want to be cop. im careless with money, im careless of my health. i do really stupid things that could hurt me. i have an obsession with my hair. im very greedy. im power hungry. i get into deep political and philosophical discussions.

i love writing, i write poetry, stories, and songs. i love dramatic music and intense songs. i always look like im high, and i like that. i like to have dominance over everyone. i dont think im a good person but i feel more important. i constantly do things over and over expecting different results but only getting the same. id consider myself an ambivert. im really active in gym but at home im lazy. i hate sleep. my parents get mad at me a lot because i dont listen. im obsessed with hallucinations and psychological stuff. i think schizophrenia is cool. im randomly sad. with friends my personality changes. i dont believe in god but i talk about him a lot. i want anwsers and diagnosisis but i dont wont these problems to dissapear.

I’m glad you like writing. You just wrote a beautiful and articulate description of the confusions and internal fights that teens go through. If you haven’t read Catcher in the Rye, I think you would find it confirming. The main character is also a basically good person who suffers from alienation and confusion as he tries to figure himself out.

I do have to wonder if part of what goes on with you has to do with your sister. Could it be that she gets most of your parents’ attention and concern because of her illness? Is it possible that some part of you thinks that the only way to get as much care is to be equally distressed? If so, I hope you can understand that this is a normal reaction. When one child in a family is troubled or sick or mentally ill, the others often feel like they get short changed. The parents are so worried and caught up with the ill child’s issues, they have little left to give to the others. It isn’t at all that they don’t love all their children. It’s just that they have to assume that the healthy kids are okay while they pour their resources into the sick one.

If that describes your family, it may be helpful to let your parents know that although you get it that you sister needs more, you do need them too. Maybe there is a way to get individual and special time with them.

I encourage you to take a writing course at some point to explore your talent.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 31, 2021 0 comment

Parents Want Me to Be Single

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 25th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have just begun my freshman year of college. Over the summer, my best guy friend and I realized we had feelings for each other and decided to begin a relationship. Even though we were going to different universities, we felt like we had nothing to lose and didn’t want to look back and wonder what it would’ve been like. We have been dating for four months now and have been able to visit several times. I am extremely happy with him, and I know the feeling is mutual.

However, the main issue is with my dad. He insists that I be single. I understand his view; I didn’t make great decisions concerning boys when I was younger, and had multiple short, immature relationships. I agree that sometime in the future I need to take time for myself, but this relationship is different, since it’s built first and foremost on our friendship. It’s very important to me right now. I tried to discuss this with my dad, but he thinks I need to focus on studies and single life. When I refused to break up, he became more and more desperate to convince me to do so, even to the point of threatening to make me pay my entire college tuition alone.

What bothers me too is that since my dad disagrees with my decision, my boyfriend has completely fallen out of favor with him. We’ve been friends since the beginning of high school and my parents know him very well. My dad did catch us making out once, which made him very angry, but he seems to forget all the good qualities my boyfriend has and how much he used to like him. My boyfriend is exceedingly caring and respectful towards me.

Though I have adjusted to college well and maintain good grades, my dad and I continue to clash over this. I find myself getting homesick a lot, but my visits always end in a fight, so I’m afraid to go back. I’ve been feeling depressed and torn between my relationship and my family. My boyfriend wants to talk to my parents with me and try to work things out, as I’m dreading our upcoming month-long Christmas break, but I’m terrified of that idea and can only see it ending badly. I’ve tried talking before with no results. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your email. It is time for you to have a serious discussion with your dad about your needs versus his control. Where is your mom in all of this? You don’t mention her at all. If she is in the picture at all, I encourage you to have a talk with her about dealing with dad. You need and ally here and your mom, if she is around, is a good place to start.

Since you are at the university I would also highly recommend you going to the counseling center. The therapists there are usually very well trained on helping incoming students deal with their parents as they make the transition. They can also be an ally.

In other words, get some support before you try to go up against your dad — or before you and your boyfriend try. This will be essential if you want to bring about a change in his attitude toward you. Parents usually don’t realize that although their point of view comes from a place they feel is loving and supportive — it usually comes out as very controlling and alienating.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 25, 2021 0 comment