Tag:

Arranged Marriage

My Family or My Boyfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 21, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Lebanon: I am dealing with a big problem! Im a 21 year old girl, I love my family so much and they are everything to me. Four years ago I met a boy and we are dating since then, he is my entire life and he is amazing to me. My family hate him but they didn’t met him at all, they hate his parents so they don’t agree on this relationship and they talk about him in a very bad way and that hurts me so much. I tried to talk to them but they think that I’m in love with him so I don’t think correctly, I’m seeing him behind their back and I lie on them every day and when they find out they become so mad, my sister met him and she likes him and they became friends, but she is afraid to tell my parents. In addition, he is a short guy so they make fun of this every time.

Now, my parents are so upset and won’t talk to me and, they want me to leave him but I really can’t. I adore him and I think of him as my future husband. What to do?

I’m concerned that I may not be sensitive enough to the issues in your culture to give you good advice. In America, I’d be telling someone your age that, as an adult, she has the right to make an adult choice about who she wants to marry. The consequences might be that her parents wouldn’t accept the husband or the marriage. I’d ask her to think hard about whether that is a chance she wants to take. She might decide that true love is worth losing her family. But maybe not. Either way — it is her choice to make.

But you are in Lebanon. I honestly don’t know what the consequences for you would be if you chose the man over your parents. I do know this: Ideally parents shouldn’t put their children in the position of having to choose. If they raised you well, they should know that they gave you good values and that you aren’t going to stop loving them if you choose a man you love. Being short hardly makes someone an unwise choice. Instead, your parents should be looking at his values and whether he is going to love you and cherish you and treat you well and be a good husband and father.

It might be helpful if you and your sister tried again together to talk with your parents. Perhaps if you both spoke about all his good qualities, your parents would be more inclined to listen. Even better: Is there an older relative your parents respect who would be willing to meet the man and intervene with your parents? They may be more willing to listen to someone they consider to be their peer.

I hope you are able to work this through. The fact that you wrote to us tells me that you sincerely want to keep your parents in your life. It would be sad indeed if they are willing to lose a daughter rather than give this young man a chance.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 21, 2024 0 comments

A Woman Is Missing from My Life

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 3, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Pakistan: I am not in the habit of writing about my problems to total strangers but sometimes things become so complicated that it is much better to seek help.

I am 27 years old and to say that the concept of girl or a woman is missing from my life might be an understatement. Shy as a young boy, I found it impossible to talk to girls and belonging to a conservative family in Pakistan, that did not help, not one bit. The touch of a woman’s body was a longing that nearly made me mad. I went into depression and could not concentrate on anything.

I created a paradigm where I thought I was a moral guy and I will get the woman when I will get married (unlike the States or most countries, marriages in Pakistan are decided by elders).

I turned 27 and still, there is no chance of me getting married. I do not have any girlfriend. This made me mad, crazy and threw me into depression. My work, my daily life struggled. And I did something which I always believed to be the worst ever thing that one can do.

I ended up losing my virginity to a prostitute from Russia. The actual act was so surreal that I just cannot describe the feeling. Now instead of feeling guilty, I am feeling something else entirely. I want more. And this is making me crazy.

I need some advice on how to make rational decisions because I am losing my mind. I am acting weird, speaking weird, all is going down the drain. I want to stop and ask for help before I do something which I regret for the rest of my life.

Your advice in the matter would be highly appreciated. Have a great day.

Of course you want more. You are a healthy young man who wants love and sex in his life. There’s no shame in that. It’s regrettable that in your desperation you turned to a prostitute. But it’s not the end of the world. It’s something to learn from. As you discovered, anonymous sex isn’t what you want and need. I suggest you forgive yourself for a lapse in judgment and focus instead on what you are going to do to find the right woman.

Unfortunately, I simply don’t know enough about how young people in Pakistan meet. You indicated that your elders would ordinarily be helpful. If that is the case, why not ask the elders in your family who know you well to help you find a woman to love? Arranged marriages can and do work if there is a commitment to it from both people. It is one option to explore.

If you are more western in your thinking, then it’s time to take more responsibility for your own growth. Often people find that the best way to meet potential partners is to get involved in an activity or organization that they and other people their age care about. Working on a project together takes some of the pressure off of relating to someone who is new. Over time, friendship and sometimes romantic relationships form. Even when romance doesn’t happen, making more friends will help you meet other people — who might introduce you to others. The challenge is to get into social activities and to develop the courage to show people your good qualities.

Some people think that finding a relationship shouldn’t take work. But I don’t agree. If you were unemployed and wanted a job, you would figure out how to actively look for the job. Relationships are just as important. I think it’s fine to put the same amount of effort into finding a partner as you would if you were looking for a job.

If shyness continues to get in your way, I hope you will consider seeing a counselor to help you work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 3, 2022 0 comments

Retroactive Jealousy

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 28, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So my boyfriend has been with a number of different girls before me while I chose to save myself for him. When I met him I knew he was the one for me and so I decided it was time and as our relationship has progressed he’s talked about marrying me but since we’re only 20, I say that we’re too young. But the point is that he really loves me, but I only think this is because he’s been around the park with others and finally has met who he thinks is right. For me, this is my first relationship and everything is new, but my morals have always been that I should save myself for the one who truly makes me happy and my boyfriend does that for me. I was also raised in a society where arranged marriages are common, so being a virgin is important for that. But the issue is, it’s been more than a year and I’m still hung up on his past and as much as I want to get over this it’s hard for me to come to the realization that obviously I can’t do anything about it and even then that thought is not helping me move on. I’m angry and upset that he basically disrespected my morals and said that he couldn’t believe in the same thing when he chose to engage in such activities, part of me wants to take a break with our relationship and explore around myself and see if that will help me get over the past but then I know consequences will follow. But I can’t help it, I can’t help but think that if he was allowed to sleep around why couldn’t I? I know that isn’t the right mindset but it just feels as though I was betrayed. I really do want to get over the past, more than ever because I can see a future with him where we are both happy but this past stands in my way of being happy. I know I have to accept it but I’m not even sure where to begin. I’m scared I’m pushing him away more by dwelling on the past a lot because I just yell at him daily about it because it hurts me so much being able to paint the image of him with someone else that isn’t me. (From the USA)

The issue seems to be on your side of the fence in determining if you: want an arranged marriage, are ready for marriage, and if you can cope with your unforgiveness of him.

Let’s take each one of these in order. If you are saving your virginity for an arranged marriage and in the next sentence start to talk about “sleeping around,” then you’ll continue to bounce back and forth between these conflicting motives. You might first want to sort through what is important to you, what is a priority personally and culturally. Often this type of inner contemplation can be facilitated by individual therapy. The Find Help tab at the top of the page can help you locate someone in your area.

Secondly, the question of readiness for marriage at this point in your life is reasonable and important. As you begin the journey of self-examination in therapy you may find that this readiness question is fueling the saving yourself versus experimenting options.

Finally, it is interesting that you were drawn to your boyfriend knowing his history, thought it was okay (or that you could cope with it) only to find out you are not. My best guess is that this concern about his history, as well as the saving yourself and experimenting, are conflicts emerging because you are questioning yourself about readiness. Of course, this is only a guess and some individual therapy should help sort it through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

October 28, 2021 0 comments

Uncertain about Love and Marriage

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. February 3, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

It has been around 1.5 years since we were in relationship. The decision was the result of his persistent efforts to help me at working every situation (we were in the same college and office too). Though he is not good at looks, a silent type of guy(unlike me), I considered him for hope for his improved life because of me,his nice family(As he told) and his nature. In the beginning, things were awesome, we used to roam across the city, visit temples, and be happy wherever we would go. But since 2-3 months, I began to feel, things have turned dull, because after knowing each other, we have nothing to discuss, sometimes, he doesn’t say a single work for minutes on phone. And when I complain, he says that silence speaks more than words, and he is happy with me. But this dullness and boredom made me depressed many times, specially the fact that he is suffering from many illnesses like dryness, obesity, very poor eyesight which I thought he would be enthusiastic to cure for me,but he didn’t try to make the things normal for me either. I was even worried to find his hair slowly falling out.All the day, I would keep worrying about all these problems, which would give me butterflies. Once I even felt bad when I found him giving more importance to his friends and telling me that it’s because I keep complaining to him about everything, he feels alone, and then he looks for friends. this made me feel even worse specially when he doesn’t call me when he is with them. Finally, time came when I told my parents about him. I called him home. My parents accepted him only for me, but also complained about his too silent nature, because sometimes, you need to speak.

I met his parents, and that’s when I got broken. His mother was talking sweet, but she kept pointing at absurd things about my looks (though I’m much more beautiful than her son, and I have a govt job, a better family status and a bigger house). His father and he were completely silent, which was very uncomfortable. This gives me a gut-feeling that his parents might be greedy and can demand for dowry at later stage too (though for now, they have said they have no demands). Should I still marry him or go for an arrange marriage? (age 26, from India)

Unfortunately I cannot answer this question for you, only you can decide who to marry. It is obvious that you have a lot of reservations about the relationship and it seems that you basically talked yourself into giving him a chance (or gave in to his pressure). That’s not a great way to start a romance. It is also clear that you are very critical of him and list more faults than attributes. If this is how you see him, it is unlikely to change with time. However, you also say that your feelings only shifted a few months ago, out of a year and a half relationship, so maybe giving it more time is warranted to see if you are just in a bad phase.

Your culture is very different than ours in America, so the reasons one chooses to marry are different. If you were here, I would have you evaluate not only your love and physical attraction for the person but also compatibility, friendship, trust, goals for the future, values, and desire to have children. I would suggest that you think about these concepts and then talk to your family and friends who understand your culture — but, ultimately, listen to your heart.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

February 3, 2021 0 comments

My love

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 18, 2011

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m from a Gulf country.

I got to know this person through the Internet. Our relationship is strong the I call him and meet with him . our traditions have not been able to marry.

When my family know about this relationship I have a lot of problems they would not let me go out of the house even for shopping and cut my phone, but my love for this person pushed me to work despite impossible.

Without Phone i try hard to contact him anf i figure man way i call him. I was able to complete my studies and graduated and married an arranged marriage and my relationship with this person is become strong evry day and has not changed, but for a period of time I cut off my relationship in an attempt to forget, but I could not forget it is my first love how can i forget when i do any thing i think about him . And after I was born my child and the difficulties I faced, especially I have pragnant poisoning and i have an urgent caesarean section. I decided to go back to my first love. And communicate with him and the period of the most beautiful days of my life I was able to feel happy even when i cheat my husband and everyone notice how you became glad.( i fell sorry for my hasband he didn’t know what happen around him)

Today he sent me text massege he went to cut our relationship . Try it and connect him and call him 178 calls and he did not answer me after i send him few massege he call me . He told me he wanted to cut our relationship with coz, his wife know about our relationship . And my relationship with him almost impasble and does not want to lose his family. And told me that he would rather lose his heart and does not lose his family. And he will countact me and call me again. But after his waife forget what happen

I felt sad, bad , upset and the end of the world. And I could not stop myself from crying and wailing and I felt that the near dead. And he did not care. Did not care for the relationship lasted for nearly 10 years.

I do not know what to do or how things will become.

information about me:

i am married and fove 11 month boy. nobody know about our realation becose of our traditional. He get marred after i marrege and his waif 5 moth pregnant

Help me i dont know what to do.

Thank you for taking the time to explain your issues. I will do my best to help.

It is not clear from your note what your culture or his culture is, but one thing is certain, you are not happy in your marriage. This is where the emphasis needs to be. Until you deal directly with your relationship with your husband you will not be able to feel any peace.

Since I do not specifically know your culture I can only guess, but I would seek counseling for yourself first, so you can learn to cope with your emotional situation. Couples counseling seems too difficult because your husband doesn’t know what is happening.

You will find that the rules and restrictions in your culture have been encountered by other women with similar feelings. If you can find a female therapist to talk to this would be the best way to go.

Right now the work is on taking care of yourself and your baby. The counseling should help you sort through what you need to do next.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

June 18, 2011 0 comments

Arranged Marriage or Wait For Love?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW March 15, 2011

written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hi. At last I have found one good place to open up myself. I’m going through the very common quarter life crisis… And I’m really confused.

A little of background about me. I’m from India and 26 old. As typical orthodox family in India my parents started seeing for marriage proposals. During the same time I started liking a friend in my office. It was around after 3 months I felt within very strong feeling towards him. I proposed to him but he was not ready for commitment. I decided to wait for him and be friends with him. But after that he happened to meet a gal and she fell in love with him and proposed him too. Things went worse in my life – seeing her being and mad about him. After 2 and half yrs. he decided to go ahead with other gal and coincidentally my parent were able to find a good marriage proposal at the same time. He got married to other gal and i went ahead with my parents. After this, the marriage proposal also didn’t go well, as I found the guy to be very rude and never understanding me. I decided to quit it and conveyed to my parents, and after a lot of discussions, my parents dropped it.

During all these tough time in life I had a very good friend who supported me and understood me and cared for me a lot who proposed me for marriage as well but I never had any feelings for him more than as a friend. I’m really confused what I should do. I always wanted my life partner to be as a good friend and lover and I’m not sure whether my feelings would change towards him. Any guidance?? Please help me. I’m really worried to go ahead with my parents marriage proposal again. I don’t like anyone in my life now.

What a difficult situation you’re in. While I am unfamiliar with the cultural norms of arranged marriages in India, I do know that it’s painful to have a man you love choose to marry someone else. If I’m understanding your question correctly, you’re wondering if you should marry your “good friend” with the hope that romantic feelings develop, or if you should go ahead with the arranged marriage with to a man who doesn’t treat you well. A man who treats you poorly during courtship is likely to continue to mistreat you after marriage. If your parents agreed to “drop” the arranged marriage after you shared your concerns with them, then I suggest you let go of that relationship for good and seek out other options for marriage.

There is a third option I’d like to suggest and that is to not move forward with either option. Please take some time and figure out what you value most in your life and what you want in your relationships. The decision to marry is one of the biggest and far-reaching decisions you’ll ever make. You may want to consider continuing to date your “very good friend” nonexclusively and see if any deeper feelings develop, while you continue to meet other people. While romantic feelings can develop over time, there’s no guarantee that they will. Since it seems that your parents responded to your concerns before, I encourage you to consult them again and ask for their help in finding other men to court.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

March 15, 2011 0 comments