Tag:

Assertiveness

My Boyfriend Dislikes Me Being Very Anti-Social

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 26, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello! So recently, I had been shut down by my boyfriend because he feels that me being extremely distant in social situations is idiotic.

I loathe social gatherings and situations like parties because I constantly fear of interacting with people. I never understood why. I always thought this be a small phase for me but it never went away. I’m an 18 year old high school senior. Being my age, I figure it should be normal to be outgoing but i’m the complete opposite.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I; along with my best friend and her boyfriend had attended a party thrown by another friend. I didn’t want to go cause I constantly worried about how I would look. (I’m quite large in size. I do struggle with my weight so I feel this adds on to my anxiety.) After some discussion with NY boyfriend, I decided to go, regardless of my worries.

When we got there, I began to cling to my boyfriend because I didn’t know anyone else there. He eventually left me behind for some of his friends so I didn’t know what to do. I eventually just sat somewhere and remained there for a good 30 minutes. My boyfriend noticed and looked annoyed with the fact that I wasn’t talking to no one. He eventually introduced me to his friends. I didn’t say much at first but I eventually forced myself to talk. My boyfriend got pulled away by a few of his other friends and that was when one of his friends decided to rudely compare my boyfriends size to mine. He mentioned how big I was compared to him, how I should lose weight and how I wasn’t pretty enough for him. His friends only laughed and backed him up. I sat there frozen stiff, feeling completely humiliated, embarrassed and just overall broken.

Eventually, his friends had left to join my boyfriend again and I quickly had locked myself in the bathroom only to cry for an hour. After, I had quickly grabbed my belongings and left without saying a word.

The overall experience was completely dreadful and I can’t stop thinking about it. It has impacted my social life even more. I haven’t talked to my best friends or boyfriend since then and they desperately have been trying to reach out to me. I haven’t eaten for about a week and do not wish to eat anytime soon. I don’t wish to socialize with anyone, not even my parents. At this point, idk what’s up with me anymore.

It may be that you are naturally more introverted than your boyfriend, or it may that, lacking support, you are developing social anxiety. It sounds to me like you have now fallen into a negative cycle that is making things worse, not better. It goes like this: You aren’t comfortable with people, so you withdraw more and more, which means you don’t develop the skills you need to get comfortable with people, which makes you withdraw — and so it goes.

The incident at the party only confirmed your worst suspicions about being out in the social world. You ran into some bullies. Yes, bullies. Your boyfriend’s so-called friends were terrible to you. But that doesn’t mean that they represent the whole world. Clearly your boyfriend doesn’t care about your size. Neither does your friend. Why should the bullies’ opinions count more?

You can learn how to be comfortable with people. You can learn how to handle bullies. But you probably can’t do it on your own. Your fears have become too great. I therefore strongly urge you to find a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. With guidance and support, you can overcome your fears.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 26, 2022 0 comments

My Wife Can’t Leave Her Lover

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 16, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

We are married for 10 years, three kids (8, 5 and 2 years old). My wife did not work 4 years ago. When she got her first job, she felt in love with her boss (she is 30, he is 55 yo). After about 6 months of platonic relations, they had a sex and my wife became pregnant. She told me the truth almost after she got the pregnancy result. Our decision was: she stayed with me and the family and gave a birth. Thus we got the third child in our family. In principle I have changed since that time: more time with family, treat the third child as my own (even maybe slightly more). The lover told the truth to his family and is now divorced.

What all involved in current situation want (as I know):
1) My wife. She does not want to divorce me, however cannot leave her lover, she is very emotional connected to him (a lot of texts, short emails; it is likely they do not have sex at all). In case of divorce she will definitely go to a part time job, unlikely to have a good career. She tried to leave the lover (several attempts). She wants to keep the current situation.
2) The lover. Ideally he wants to live with my wife and his biological son. When my wife does not reply to him, he thinks she may have died. Agrees with the current situation, may want to have more often meetings with the kids.
3) I. Want my wife to leave the lover. Her job contract with him will end soon, so she should not see him too often. My wife and I live as we did before, can really enjoy our family time, do not want to hurt each other. But I think something is wrong with the current situation. I proposed to start decreasing the number of texts, emails and to stop any meetings expect those related to the child. So the situation should evolve and it will be easy for him and her to separate.

Kind regards (From the UK)

Your instincts are right. This situation is not tenable and does not have much merit for anyone in the long run. The real question isn’t what your wife is going to do, or what her lover wants or doesn’t want, but what are your needs and limits?

I would highly recommend individual therapy for you at this point. This will help you sort through your feelings independent of everyone else’s. You listed what you wanted to have happen above — but it all had to do with what you want your wife and her lover to do. The real work here is for you to stop hoping things will change ––and start thinking about what makes sense for you given the current situation.

Tolerating your wife’s ongoing unacceptable behavior and extending yourself has reached a limit. She has only been able to be marginally available to you, and continues to text, email and for all practical purposes stay emotionally connected to her lover. She has not respected your needs. You’re wife has made a series of very poor decisions with regard to you and your family. It is time to start thinking what you need to do, not what you hope your wife and her lover can do to help you feel better.

In individual therapy I would explore what your limits are. I would ask yourself if your feelings for your wife are still the same after the disappointment she has caused and continues to cause. Has your love for her changed at some fundamental level? I wouldn’t put the emphasis on what she should do to help you feel better. I would rather see you sort through your own feelings and find ways to manage them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

January 16, 2022 0 comments

Troubled by a Massage Therapist and Boyfriend Who Can’t Control Himself

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 31, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello. I went for a day at the spa with my sisters and everything was going great. Then I went for my massage that my sister had already booked for me, it was a nice gift from her. Then I realized that it was a man who was giving the massage. I usually prefer women but no one else was available and I thought < >.
I asked for a strong massage of neck and back. At first he said: I wont go that strong because I don’t want to hurt your muscles… So I thought OK, it will still be a massage and I am very stressed these days. Then he started talking to me non stop. About how my last name was special, how I was special… That I was so beautiful from the outside but also from the inside. Like he knew me. Like I was a witch able of good magic, that I had so much potential for my future. I didn’t know how to react, what he was saying was funny and they were good compliments but I was feeling uncomfortable. I was here to relax and was trying to make the most of it. I didn’t know how to react, I was just breathing hoping he would stop. His massage was nothing I asked for. He was stretching my body and not massaging. He was ”creating points of energy” and it wasn’t that relaxing. At some point he kinda touched me near my pectorals, but it felt weird, like he was too close to my breast, so I kinda moved a bit and he never went back there. At some other point he touched me near my coccyx, for my it was too far inside my bum, but also only for a sec and didn’t go back. I was so shy I didm’t say anything. It’s like I completely froze, almost naked there, I didn’t feel comfortable with him. Although nothing ‘happened’ I mean he didn’t touch directly my breast or my butt.
He was going on and on about how he felt he knew me for a long time and I didn’t know what to answer, I was just expecting to have a relaxing time and it was just stressing me so much I froze and didn’t know what to do… It’s that way of touching mixed with what he was saying, asking if someone broke my heart, if I had a lot of sadness inside of me… etc etc… I came here to RELAX not for a therapy. But his questions were so surprising, unexpected in that context that still: It brought emotions in me (memories, sadness) that I couldn’t express myself. I am really depressed these days, with no energy…

After, I told my boyfriend my massage didn’t go as I expected. He listened to me but he started laughing: that guy wanted to have sex with you! I said that no, I think he was just weird and I didn’t like his massage and felt uncomfortable. The he said: a guy touches you places that you don’t like and you do nothing! You let him do. So you are responsible for this, if you do nothing it means you accept, it means you don!t mind. I tried explaining that I didn’t know how to react, I kinda froze but at the same time it was not much, it’s not like he grabbed my ass or squeezed my breast, of course that would have been unacceptable and YES I think that if he would have touched me like that and gone too far I would have reacted! But what is too far? I mean, I am often uncomfortable in society sometimes when a stranger grabs my hand or people I don’t know much want to hug.

But then my boyfriend said that I was ridiculous almost stupid, that I was able do to a big scene with him, my own boyfriend, crying or screaming when we have an argument but not with that random guy who makes me feel uncomfortable? That I wasn’t a teenager anymore and if I don’t say anything when I don’t like it at my age it is unacceptable and it means that that was what I wanted… So basically, I kinda got what I ran after…

Thank you for your letter. What an uncomfortable series of events! I think there are two things that might help. First, the massage therapist was completely out of line. You told him what you wanted and he ignored it, and then he talked to you inappropriately through the entire session. Both things are not okay. You have to remember this is a service that you’re paying for. Instead of being relaxed he made you more anxious. He didn’t do his job properly.

I would sit down and write a letter back to the spa. You have the bulk of it written here already — but in essence you want to explain that there were many elements of this massage that weren’t good.

The writing of the letter is the intervention. Whether or not you send it is up to you and whether or not you send it with your name on it — or anonymously — is up to you. The idea is to express to them how inappropriate this was. The expressive writing alone will help.

Secondly, I would have a discussion with your boyfriend about how hurtful it was to feel blamed by him. In criticizing you for not speaking up rather than helping you find ways to cope and speak up — he is doing the same thing to you that the massage therapist has done. In both instances you needed and expected one thing and got another. Your boyfriend needs to be taught how to listen and support you — not be judgmental and blaming.

Finally, I would encourage you to read a book or take a brief course on assertiveness. These are rather easy skills and can help when you need to speak up and take care of yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 31, 2021 0 comments

I Have Trouble Talking to People and Empathizing with Others

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. March 14, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m in my last year in high school and I have absolutely no friends. This problem of mine started around my freshman year. I had two childhood friends who I used to spend most of my days with since the second grade. After the transition from middle school to high school, they both have found different groups of friends, and I have lost all connection with them. I have found some substitutes for them, a group of people who I used to go to the same middle school with. I never really talked much with them until I had class with them. To this day, I would not really consider them friends, but more of acquaintances. I mainly just used them to have a group of friends to hang around with during lunch time. Around my sophmore year, I had detached myself from everyone in my school. I am just alone on my phone during lunch time, I don’t really talk to many people, the only time I do talk is when I am required to. I have looked into the Avoidant Personality Disorder symptoms, and they seem to line up perfectly with my personality. I feel like I shouldn’t talk to people because they won’t like me for being boring. I just sit home all day, mostly do independent activities all day like programming. The only friends I have are people I have met within the programming community. The only people I would feel comfortable around are the people who I feel I have some form of superiority over.I think the main cause of this is from my sister. She has talked down to everything I ever thought or have done ever since my early child hood. Everything from the music I listened to and even made fun of the types of friends I had at the time. I have confronted her with this and told her how I think this is the main reason for my mentality of being unaccepted by everyone, and she had stopped putting me down for everything for about a year now. The problem is, my social life doesn’t seem to be getting better. As I go through my senior year, it seems to be getting worse. I just need some beginners advice on what to do before this problem becomes permanent. (age 18, from US)

Thanks for writing in with your question. I’m glad that you are concerned about these issues and are taking the initiative to do something about it. Your sister’s treatment of you may very well have contributed to the problem, but part of becoming an adult is figuring out who you want to be and taking responsibility for yourself.

Social skills can be learned and improved, but just like any other skill or talent, it takes practice, practice, practice. So in order to feel more comfortable around people, you need to force yourself to interact with others regularly. Don’t just sit in the lunchroom looking at your phone, find someone you know (or someone who you think is kind) and ask to sit with them. It also helps to put yourself in different types of situations — so you would benefit from taking a class outside of your school, such as karate or yoga. Volunteering in your community is another great way to be around like minded people and improve self-esteem, while helping the cause. If you reach out often enough, eventually others will reach back.

Finally, I would suggest seeing a therapist or looking for a support group or social skills group. These are safe ways to improve (and practice) your interactions with others.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

March 14, 2021 0 comments