Tag:

Avoidant Personality Disorder

I Have Trouble Talking to People and Empathizing with Others

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. March 14th, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m in my last year in high school and I have absolutely no friends. This problem of mine started around my freshman year. I had two childhood friends who I used to spend most of my days with since the second grade. After the transition from middle school to high school, they both have found different groups of friends, and I have lost all connection with them. I have found some substitutes for them, a group of people who I used to go to the same middle school with. I never really talked much with them until I had class with them. To this day, I would not really consider them friends, but more of acquaintances. I mainly just used them to have a group of friends to hang around with during lunch time. Around my sophmore year, I had detached myself from everyone in my school. I am just alone on my phone during lunch time, I don’t really talk to many people, the only time I do talk is when I am required to. I have looked into the Avoidant Personality Disorder symptoms, and they seem to line up perfectly with my personality. I feel like I shouldn’t talk to people because they won’t like me for being boring. I just sit home all day, mostly do independent activities all day like programming. The only friends I have are people I have met within the programming community. The only people I would feel comfortable around are the people who I feel I have some form of superiority over.I think the main cause of this is from my sister. She has talked down to everything I ever thought or have done ever since my early child hood. Everything from the music I listened to and even made fun of the types of friends I had at the time. I have confronted her with this and told her how I think this is the main reason for my mentality of being unaccepted by everyone, and she had stopped putting me down for everything for about a year now. The problem is, my social life doesn’t seem to be getting better. As I go through my senior year, it seems to be getting worse. I just need some beginners advice on what to do before this problem becomes permanent. (age 18, from US)

Thanks for writing in with your question. I’m glad that you are concerned about these issues and are taking the initiative to do something about it. Your sister’s treatment of you may very well have contributed to the problem, but part of becoming an adult is figuring out who you want to be and taking responsibility for yourself.

Social skills can be learned and improved, but just like any other skill or talent, it takes practice, practice, practice. So in order to feel more comfortable around people, you need to force yourself to interact with others regularly. Don’t just sit in the lunchroom looking at your phone, find someone you know (or someone who you think is kind) and ask to sit with them. It also helps to put yourself in different types of situations — so you would benefit from taking a class outside of your school, such as karate or yoga. Volunteering in your community is another great way to be around like minded people and improve self-esteem, while helping the cause. If you reach out often enough, eventually others will reach back.

Finally, I would suggest seeing a therapist or looking for a support group or social skills group. These are safe ways to improve (and practice) your interactions with others.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

March 14, 2021 0 comment

Afraid That I Have Avoidant Personality Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 6th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve always been very shy and it seems to have escalated into social anxiety. In elementary school I had many friends and joined teams and got involved. In middle school, the same thing. I’ve always been viewed as the “nice, quiet one”. Around grade 10, I started cutting myself off from people, thinking that they wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore. I’m not sure where this came from. Nevertheless, I withdrew myself and my social anxiety increased. It’s strange, but I seem to have become more confident in myself yet I cannot seem to make relationships anymore. One side of me wants to, but this other stronger side does not want to expose myself or get involved in anything because of fear of rejection. I’ve stopped joining clubs. I spend my lunch hour alone. I have one close friend who I cam be myself around. But I cannot approach her at school if she’s surrounded by other people because they intimidate me. I have trouble looking people in the eye or saying something as simple as “hi.” I work at McDonald’s as a cashier where I do not find it hard interacting with customers. I actually enjoy it. But when it comes to talking to my coworkers, that’s a lot harder for me. I am a very hard worker and make a good employee except for the communication part. I try very hard to please people. I can talk one on one with people but cannot approach a bunch of people and join in conversation. I have stopped getting involved in anything except school and work. Every time I go to work I feel anxious, even though I’ve been working there a year. I remember dreaming about my high school years, and they were not like this. I dream about getting married and having children and a good job where I have lots of friends, but I’m so scared that this will never happen for me. I haven’t told anyone about this and people (even my family) just describe me as shy. It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

You may or may not have avoidant personality disorder. You match many of the symptoms. It is a realistic possibility. The good news is that many effective treatments exist for anxiety.

You mentioned that you try to be a people-pleaser. Perhaps you do this because of a desire to be liked or as a strategy to avoid confrontation. Nothing good comes from people-pleasing. The most unfortunate aspect of it is that you abandon your true self and essentially become whoever anyone else wants you to be. It is a very inauthentic way to live. No one could be happy living as someone they are not.

Now is the time to get help. Consult a therapist. Anxiety typically becomes worse if not treated. This happens because people with anxiety often attempt to manage it by avoidance. This short-term approach has been found to make anxiety worse in the long term. Many people have overcome anxiety disorders and live psychologically healthy lives. Millions of people have done it and so can you. You have the power to make positive changes in your life and it begins with deciding to get help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 6, 2021 0 comment

How can I be a support for someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 15th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I would like to make it clear that my friend has not been formally diagnosed by any of her (former) therapists, at least to my knowledge. I have known her for a few years now, so I would like to say that I know her pretty well. She epitomizes the descriptions and symptoms of APD. She has horrible self esteem, is very self critical, has panic attacks from seemingly normal things because they include some form of social interaction, mistrusts others, is hyper-sensitive, isolates herself, feels unworthy of anything, and is generally miserable. And when I say panic attacks, I mean vomiting and hyperventilating, sometimes missing school. And while I accept that my own little “diagnosis” has every chance of being completely wrong, I would still like to be able to be there for her. She has refused therapy, because she says it makes her feel worse. When she has gone to therapists, and they will only prescribe anxiety medication to her if she promises to continue with therapy, which, like I said, she won’t. She constantly goes to me when she has trouble though. I have no problem giving advice, but I don’t want to give her the wrong kind. Keep in mind that I have been encouraging professional help almost every time. I’m talking about what to say to help her feel better. What do I say when she says she feels ugly? Feels worthless? Feels lonely? Feels resentment (towards others)? Do I just keep throwing as many positive thoughts and compliments as possible her way? Does it matter if they are true? Because I try to keep them truthful. Should I tell her how she is being unreasonable and stick to it? Should I act as if what she is saying is true and how to work around it? All of the above? None of the above? I will admit it is a lot of pressure, but I sincerely don’t mind. She’s one of my closest friends, and she’s usually there for me, so I want to be too. How should I be there to help her?

From your well-thought-out letter it is very clear how much you care for your friend. But the truth is you are not going to be the one that can change her. If it really is APD the heavy lifting on that is going to be done by a professional. But there are some things you can do to help.

Stop.

The dynamic of you helping and trying to figure out how to change her and make her better is actually part of the pattern that needs to be broken. Here is the cycle: You try, she fails, you feel frustrated, and she doesn’t get better while you wrack your brains trying to make her feel better. What I would encourage is for you to stop this cycle of trying to get her to feel better. From your description nothing you have done has worked, and if makes you feel frustrated it is time to stop.

Instead I would find ways to accept your friend as she is, and highlight the genuine things she does that are positive in spite of her emotional and behavioral patterns. This isn’t to fix her, per se, but to remind her that even though she has some avoidant patterns she still is able to have these positive features.

Finally I would tell her what your frustration and difficulty has been, and is, being around her. If this is going to be an honest friendship then you saying your truth, and her being able to hear it, is important. You are not her therapist; you are her friend. Friends need to get something from each other and give something to each other. Let her know how you feel and what you need. Otherwise you will spend your time trying to rescue her, and being frustrated.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

August 2, 2011 0 comment