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Where To Go From Here?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 3rd, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a gay male who has been dating someone 15 years younger than I for the last 8 months. We get along great and are always on the run doing this and that. I love what we have and how he’s always coming up with great ideas for different activities. His family has been very nice to me also. They invited me along on trips and stuff and we had a great time. He has NOT said anything to his family that we are dating. He thinks they think were just friends but I think they know the truth. Some things that I keep to myself are that he works on an ON CALL basis and doesn’t work a lot. I then tend to pay for everything when that happens which is about 85% of the time. Also, he sometimes acts like a snob and also has a lot of derogatory statements about a lot of things toward me. Also, sex has never been a strong point with us either. He says it’s because of his past. Every relationship has issues to deal with but the negative remarks have become more and more lately. He also seems to mention often that he’s never had a relationship that lasted more than a couple months and that he’s done a lot more for me that he usually would for anyone else in his past. Also, he has been a cutter in the past but never since we have been dating.

We went on vacation last week and had two HUGE fights. We went out and had quite a bit to drink and were both obviously intoxicated. I think this is important to mention because I think the drinking had a play in all that transpired. Three Long Island Ice Tea’s and then a couple glasses of wine. We went to visit a friend that my BF never met before. Within a half hour he made some comment as to how I was getting on his nerves and that he was aggravated with me. Normally this wouldn’t be a huge issue but when we got back in the car I gave him an awful verbal thrashing that, now that I think about it, was way over the top. I called him a lot of hurtful names and reiterated that I pay for everything and he treats me like garbage. The fight became to verbally abusive that he got out of the car and walked 5 miles. He eventually returned my calls and I went and picked him up. We agreed through the week to forget about it but there was obviously still a lot of tension in the air. We met a friend of his the next day and that went very well. We had a great time. Still through out the week he would correct me on everything. I would deal with it because I know that he really didn’t mean to be a jerk but it was just happening more and more. He always thinks and says that he’ll do what he wants. He says it’s all in joking but I really think he’ means it seriously.

All was going along and we finally really talked about what happened. I apologized over and over for my bad judgment and comments. We agreed to drop it and we started getting along better. The night before we left …..IT HAPPENED AGAIN. He made a few embarrassing comments to me in front of other people and I got really mad. Yes, we had a couple Long Islands, a couple Pina Coladas and then started on a Martini. This time, I said to him point blank “when are you ever going to learn to shut the **** up”. He got really mad and stormed off again. I got back to the hotel room and he was starting to pack and so did I. He started to try and explain something and I cut him off and started crying. I said that it wasn’t working and that it’s over and I try and try and I bought him on the vacation and I buy everything and he has no job and yadda yadda. He said “Oh, were gonna start that again?” I said I don’t mind doing it but he treats me like crap and I don’t deserve it. I was so upset and just kept saying he doesn’t appreciate me and all. He felt RELY bad and apologized over and over and was so upset that I was upset. He said over and over how bad he felt and that he does appreciate what I do and that he just isn’t good with showing emotions and love. He said he never received a lot when he was young and has a hard time with it. I calmed down after a while and we went to bed.
During the night we held each other a lot and slept soundly. The next morning he gave me a big hug and we started our day of finishing packing. We went and got gas and went to the bank, got something to eat and then to the airport. We were very nice to each other but the tension was obviously still there. He stated that next time we go on vacation we can’t fight like that. I agreed. Our plan was for me to fly back home and for him to fly to where he grew up and hang with his friends and family for a couple weeks.

When I got back, he text me that he arrived safely and we had a couple small chats. On Monday I sent an apology email to him stating that we obviously drank too much and I was really sorry I hurt his feelings in the manner that I did. It was a very nice, complimentary letter while still stating that I was hurt but I didn’t need to lash out the way I did. He never replied to the email, which he isn’t good at that either anyways He’s very independent in nature. I know his friends and stuff are supporting him while he’s on vacation with them so he’s sitting and relaxing and having fun I would imagine.
He doesn’t usually keep in touch a lot with me when he goes away but I haven’t heard from him in a few days now and it’s really bothering me how things were left. It’s on my mind 24/7. I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t know where we stand. Does he think it’s over? Is he just doing his thing? My main question is, when do I try and contact him again? I know he needs space but I figure after the email was sent, I should wait and let him relax for a bit and let him contact me. But I feel horrible and don’t know what to do at this point. I want to contact him so badly but I don’t want to be a pain either. And when I do contact him, what do I say. I am so lost and confused and yes, I still care about him a lot. How do we move past this?

I don’t think the two of you are on the same page. Much of this problem may stem from a lack of communication or unclear and unspoken relationship expectations. It seems that he has one idea about how to operate in the relationship and you another. You expect him to behave a certain way and he you. For instance, with regard to the e-mail you recently sent, you expected him to have responded within a certain time frame and when he didn’t you became upset. He apparently did not feel the need to respond immediately. Perhaps he thought you should be okay with the fact that he’s on vacation. Maybe he doesn’t check his e-mail while on vacation and he thinks you know this. He likely has expectations of you as well that you may be unaware of. There seems to be a need for more open and honest communication between the two of you as well as an examination of the “rules” and expectations you both have about each other’s behavior in the relationship.

It seems that the two of you really care about each other. Yes, sometimes you have fights but mainly when alcohol is involved. It could be that drinking is hurting the relationship or it may be that when the two of you drink you’re less inhibited and therefore more likely to say what’s on your mind. It could also be that when you’re drinking your judgment is impaired and you say things you normally wouldn’t. I also wonder what impact, if any, the 15-year age difference may have. It could make no difference but it may be something to explore further.

The fact that you truly seem to care about each other is a solid basis for a strong and sustainable relationship. Fundamentally the relationship seems strong but certain aspects of it are problematic. If you are both willing to put forth the effort needed to correct these issues they can be resolved but you may need outside, objective guidance in the form of therapy. If this problem cannot be resolved then you should strongly consider couples counseling. It could save the relationship.

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Big Problem with In-Laws

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 27th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a big problem with dealing with my in laws. Actually, my boyfriend and me is getting along together for over 7years. There was no problem with my in laws at early years. But the problem began when I started studying abroad. Actually, my BF’ cousin, my sis in law, went to study BBA and she came back because she couldn’t study even the Foundation of Business English Class, not the Credit courses. But for me, I went to study MBA and I am OK with my studying. We went to the different countries and universities. At first I thought there was nothing concerning between my studying and hers. But unfortunately, she extremely jealous and gossiping about me in her relations. Although she is first cousin to my BF, their families lived together and they are like siblings. Especially, my BF’ mom love her like her own daughter. That’s the main point. My mother in law believe and accept whatever she and her own family said. Not only her, but also her mom hate me when I start studying abroad. She even talk and insult about my personality and character. For example, at the early months I went studying abroad, she and her family said ‘she cant study long coz she is not qualified’. But when I am ok with my studying, they said ‘she will become worse than a sexual worker and will cheat my bro cousin’ (yeah, they said even like that). But, when I am perfect with my personality, they (she and her family) said, ‘Ah! Nothing happened? Yeah. Because she is abnormal now coz she live alone without her family’. When my sis in law tried to study abroad, both and her family moved.
The main problem is that my BF’ mother believe and talked to me very very badly starts from over 1year ago.(She talked to me like a street dog). At the first time, I couldn’t even talk back a word to her because I was so surprise as we had a good relation. She did for twice but thanks for God, its a phone conversation and I drop the phone and never called her again. (But, now she pretend to be a good one whenever by boyfriend is with her and she said ‘I never said like that’ )
That jealous girl always tried to separate my BF and me with so many ways. I cant stand what they do. Coz they always talk about me badly to my BF, their relations and friends. As for me, I cant stand even a minute about that because my improving career is not like stealing her brain and her life. Hers is hers and mine is mine.
Start from there, I have been always angry with them. Like they stole my time by thinking about their nonsense gossip and insulting. Although my BF support me, I am not relieve of that. I often cried out suddenly and fight to my BF by telling about them but he never fight me back. He just say ‘Its not me Honey. Its them. Sorry for I cannot control them. But I will love you forever and will be more good to you’.
I don’t like this feeling. I had my peaceful life. I really miss my sound and peace past. I do hate them. But I also hate that feeling. I want to live without thinking them. I want to live peacefully whenever they have their family special occasions because I have to always worrying that whether they forced my BF to marry other girl (like they always do)or not and tell that how bad is my university and career and how bad is my personality.
I want to conquer them and my bad feeling. I do want to conquer them. On the other hand, I want to be in better place (education and personality)to make them more and more jealous. But this feeling drive me away and away from my peaceful life. I don’t know how to handle them and my feeling.
Please help me.

It is time to get your boyfriend involved more directly and have him deal with his family directly. He is too passive and you need more direct support from him. It is true he cannot control them, but he can explain how disappointed he is in them, how it is both disrespectful and unacceptable to treat you this way. Your accomplishments need to be a source of pride, not the target of jealousy. The only reason you have to put up with them is because of your relationship with your boyfriend. It is time for him to stand with you and support you and confront his family.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to End an Inappropriate Relationship?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 22nd, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I developed an emotional attachment to a man at my gym after he showed a lot of interest in me and I eventually decided to return the interest. We became extremely attached to each other, he was very intense emotionally. We did not get to know each other slowly, the emotions drove our relationship. Over the weeks and months, as I saw him more often at the gym and interacted with him I noted that he was not making any move to take our relationship furthur in spite of our growing attachment and that he seemed very emotional to me, kind of up and down. We looked for each other all the time and I was wondering when he would take the next step. When he didn’t I realized he must be married, which was a shocker to me as he became very attached to me and displayed intense emotions of all sorts. I could not handle the not going forward and the growing sense that he was partly toying with me. Sometimes he would get angry with me if I tried to pull away from him, other times he would get angry if I tried to get too close. His emotions and behaviour seemed genuine, but quite intense. He displayed changeable,sometimes strange facial expressions it seemed to me, at times. The times he would distance himself from me he would have a strange look in his eyes of what seemed to be hatred or loathing, as if I had done something wrong. It became a toxic dance & my self-esteem suffered. I broke contact and he was very angry and hurt the last time I saw him at the gym because he knew I was ending our contact for good. Hindsight tells me he was abusive to me emotionally & I deserved to be treated honestly & with respect. I have avoided him these past months while trying to recover emotionally, and will continue to avoid him. What is your advice on what I should do if I ever come face to face with him at the gym again? Ignore him and leave? I have done some research and think this man may have Borderline Personality Disorder. All his behaviours fit,the push/pull dynamic. On top of this I do believe he’s married! Do you think him seeing me may cause him great emotional distress? I myself have suffered emotionally and certainly do not want to run into him. Thanks for any tips.

You’ve done well to pull yourself out of an intense but inappropriate relationship. As you know, it doesn’t matter what diagnosis he might carry. Your entanglement with him was a mutually toxic dance. My advice? You live in a large city with a gym probably on almost every block. Join a different gym! Yes. I know. You shouldn’t have to give up a place where you’re comfortable because he’s there. But your letter indicates to me that you don’t trust yourself to remain neutral when you see him. Leaving the gym you like isn’t about letting him win. It’s about saving your own emotional life. Learn what you can from the experience and move out to move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Parents Won’t Accept Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 1st, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I really need advice…I’m 26 years old, I have been on in on going feud with my parents for over a year because of my boyfriend. I have known him since I was 7 and we meet in Sunday school. We reconnected about 2 years ago and I’m absolutely in love with him. My parents hate him because of his lack of a college degree, his cultural background doesn’t match ours, and physical appearance. My parents don’t allow him in the house and don’t actually know him. They judge him based on pictures that they have seen and the change in behavior of their once obedient daughter to wild child (apparently). My parents have immigrated here over 20 years ago and unfortunately hold their beliefs tight. My boyfriend has a very good job with benefits, not an alcoholic, doesn’t do drugs, and more importantly is so good to me. They fail to see that, it has become such a bad situation. My mom calls me really offensive names, saying that I am stupid and brainwashed, etc. When she says these things to me I react and I admit many times out of anger, cursing and yelling. I know that is not the way to do it, but I have tried talking to them as adults and civilized. It just doesn’t work. She sends my boyfriend offensive text messages. I really want to be with my boyfriend and I see a future with him. We had a friendship before and I had never had such as strong bond with someone. My parents have this ideal guy in mind for me, rich guy with an education. If it was up to them then I would be in the house until I am 45 when one comes along. I’m not interested, as long as he treats me right then I am ok. Now I am coming to my breaking point. Our arguments and fights are really bad, my family is ashamed of me, my parents are making themselves sick over this. Both my parents say they are going to leave the house and the rest of the family if it continues. I can’t take this anymore. I have a great job and an important year coming up that can be easily ruined with this stress. I really need some guidance because at this point I feel like everyone is just telling me what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!

At 26 you’re being overly influenced by your parents’ emotional reaction. It’s unfortunate that your parents don’t realize that the very way they are treating you is the way they fear your loving boyfriend would be hurting you. They are already doing to you what they dread he might do. They are the ones verbally abusing you and trying to control you by hurting those you love.

The emphasis here is on moving on. If your parents are threatening to leave the home — wish them well. If you have an opportunity to move out, now is the time to do so. The most important thing that your parents are missing is that in the effort to help protect you they are hurting you in the very ways we are trying to guard you from. If you can’t move out now make a plan to leave and stick to it.

Normally I would recommend family therapy, but it doesn’t sound like your parents are interested in this path. I think I would explain exactly where you’re at with them in a discussion. But then make a plan not to live under the same roof. It is time for you to have your own life. The sooner the better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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At Relationship Crossroads

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 4th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend since I was 16. We have a lot in common as far as morals, values, families, etc. However, we do not necessarily have common “interests” and not many mutual friends, but then again… my interests are very girly and his are very masculine. We fit well together and I know he is very trustworthy, loyal, and would be an amazing father and husband for the rest of my life. I love him very much and can’t bear the thought of hurting him and our families by breaking up with him… BUT!

I have had an emotional affair for a few months with a guy who is complete opposite of my boyfriend. He is adventurous, exciting, passionate, motivated, and has a really fun group of friends that I love hanging out with. I have had crushes on other men while in my relationship, but I believe I am in love with this person. We could talk forever and never run out of things to discuss. We do not have all the same opinions, but we challenge each other. He makes me want to live my life more and try new things. He excites me so much, and I know every day would be an adventure. He wants me to leave my boyfriend and be with him. We have tried to cut things off a couple of times when I said I couldn’t leave my boyfriend, but we always end up back in contact and at square 1. (We talk on the phone, text, email, facebook, in person alone and also with friends. We are very physically attracted to each other also)

One problem is: I don’t think he has a stable view of love. Although he is years older than me, he romanticizes a lot of things. He thinks that you should be “in love” with your partner, rather than just loving your partner. He thinks I am “the one” but what if one day he realizes I am not as perfect as he thinks? Will he leave me because I am not “the one”? Will his adventurous spirit not be a good thing for a husband? He travels a lot for fun and if I can’t go, he would still go I’m sure. My bf would do anything for me and is used to making compromises; I’m not sure if this guy is used to that. Also, does the fact that he tried to “steal” me from my bf mean that he is not a moral person??? Could I really trust him?

Make no mistake, having an emotional affair is a form of cheating. In many ways, having an emotional affair is more serious and more damaging than having a sexual affair. The emotional relationship that you have developed is quite strong. In fact, you are “in love” and on the verge of ending your current relationship. It’s evidence that emotional affairs are not harmless, not innocent, not benign.

I’m sure that you didn’t intend to fall in love with a different person. I’m sure that you never intended to hurt your current boyfriend. It is normal to get to know or to date a number of people before choosing one to marry. Perhaps, you are doing that right now — looking for the right one. That’s okay but you need to tell your current boyfriend and both of you can then decide what to do.

You may want to consider working through this dilemma with the assistance of a therapist. If you choose that route, consider examining the morality of continuing dual relationships. It’s okay and even healthy to be choosy about whom you want to marry but it’s not okay to carry on two love relationships. Continuing to engage in this emotional affair is unfair to your current boyfriend. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Boyfriend Doesn’t Trust Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 2nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I have been with a boy for about 3 years. During this time we have broken up and got back together many times. He is very jealous and suspicious and gets upset very easily.A few months ago he found out that I had been keeping in touch with some of my ex boyfriends (He read my message archive) and acused me of cheating on him. I kept in touch with them because we remained friends after the break-ups and didn’t tell my bf about it because he would have overreacted. And he did. We broke-up for a few weeks , during which we continued talking every day and trying to fix the situation. We talked on the phone with those friends and he said that he understood that there was nothing going on between me and any of them and that he will forgive me for lying to him. We got back together and decided that I would be as transparent as possible and that he would be more understanding. After a month , he woke up one morning and asked me when was the last time that I had met with one of those boyfriends. As I had just woken up, I didn’t remember exactly and took some time to remember (about 1 minute) . And then I told him. He took this hesitation as a sign that I was lying again and we had a fight. After that we broke up and he didn’t want to see me or speak to me again. After a while we spoke and he said that he can’t trust me any more and that there is a great possibility that I had cheated on him and that those friends with which we had spoken were lying to protect me. I tried to convince him that that’s not true and that I am really sorry for lying and that it will never happen again. It didn’t work. We didn’t speak for a few days and today he came and brought me my things and told me that he hates me and that he doesn’t care what happens to me from now on and that I don’t deserve anything from him and not to bother him ever again. I understand where I was wrong and I really want to change and be honest from now on. And I want to work on this until it becomes natural. Until I don’t have to ask myself if I should tell the truth or not. Please help with some advice. What can I do? What is with this sudden hatred towards me?

My guess is that your boyfriend has to stir up some hatred in order to make the break. The two of you developed a pattern that is terribly destructive to a relationship. I don’t know how it started. He’s jealous. You lie to avoid a fight. He finds out and there’s a bigger fight. Or is it that you aren’t totally honest? He senses it and gets jealous. You mollify him. He’s not satisified. And there’s another fight. Either way, you two don’t have the kind of trust and comfort with each other’s honesty that is necessary for a relationship to grow. Now you have to ask yourself whether to tell him the truth — which is the strongest indicator that this relationship is going nowhere.

Stop focusing on why he “hates” you. Instead, please ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship where you have to be so careful lest you set him off. Why would you want to be in a relationship that doesn’t let you be your best and honest self? I suggest you take your own behavior more seiously. There is a good reason that you two have broken it off so many times. Perhaps you are trying to tell yourselves that instead of going around and around, you need to get out.

I wish you well.
Dr Marie

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My Parents Don’t Like My Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 25th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a recently divorced single mother who has moved in with my parents so I can go back to graduate school. I have recently started dating a man who I have fallen in love with. We have begun seriously discussing a future together, although I remain cautiously optimistic in part because I am really surprised I found someone I like so quickly.
My parents did not express their concerns over my ex-husband until after I began divorce proceedings. I asked them if they would please share their opinions in the future. They have now approached me saying that my new BF is “setting off alarm bells”. My dad feels he is way too controlling. I don’t agree with this statement entirely; my BF is a very dominant personality, as are my father and I. Being exhausted by my co-dependent ex and always being the dominant one I find the better balance with my new BF very refreshing. I wonder if this is a clash between my dominant father and the new BF? The only person in my life I have ever actually felt controlled by is my father.

My mother’s concerns appear to be more valid. She thinks that the BF is taking too active of a “parenting” role in my 4-year-old son’s life too soon. She also feels that he is competing with my son for my attention. She also felt unhappy about an incident where she felt my BF accused my son of lying: my son came into the room and said he couldn’t find his cars, she asked if he had looked on the table, he said yes and they weren’t there, my BF said “I bet they are on that table”.

I would like to know how seriously I should take my parent’s opinions given that it was solicited advice? Also does the fact that my son and I live with my parents and I do have some financial dependence on them factor in? My dad has suggested we slow down and has even begun to suggest sources for new boyfriends. My mom suggests slowing down as well, but just keeping my eyes open. I don’t have any desire to break-up, but should I slow down in regards to my BF and my son? If so, how should I approach it with my BF? Finally what is the best way to begin getting my parents to see the other great aspects of my BF now that my dad has made it clear that he doesn’t have much desire to interact with him?

Be careful what you ask for.

You invited your parents to be your eyes and ears to make sure you were not going to choose another unhealthy boyfriend. I hear alarm bells too. There is a saying in Buddhism, “when you pick up one end of a stick you pick up the other.” The fact that your ex-husband is codependent and that you have a more dominant boyfriend now is actually very predictable. The chances are you chose your first boyfriend because he was so unlike your father, so now the new BF seems like such a refreshing difference. I have written about how these choices are made in my Proof Positive column and you can learn more about this process here and here. Making a completely opposite choice usually leaves us in the same position.

It sounds to me like you need to individuate right now. You are in a very dependent situation, have asked your parents to give you feedback about your intimate choices, are reliant on them financially, and your boyfriend has used what is known as an active-destructive comment with your son. “I bet they are on that table,” after what your son said, would be almost the perfect description of a purposefully hurtful comment. Out of the many other more positive comments or interactions that are possible (e.g., “let me help you find them”), he picked the one designed to be punitive. To learn more about this, click here.

I would strongly recommend individual therapy. Your university should have low- or no-cost options available and the counselors are typically very well trained in working with graduate students in situations similar to yours.

You are obviously an ambitious, thoughtful person. You are sacrificing many other options to make the commitment to graduate school and furthering your career. Put that first. Investing in yourself, individuating, and gaining greater independence for yourself and your son need to get the lion’s share of your time and energy. I am joining the chorus of those near you saying go slow with the relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Trapped, pregnant and cheated on

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 17th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My bf and I have been together for just over 3 years. I am very aware that we don’t have a healthy relationship, but I can’t bring myself to move on. We’ve been on and off and on and off. He has addiction problems and when he drinks he calls me names and says really hurtful things. He’s cheated on me numerous times and then a few weeks later he always says how sorry he his and how he’ll never do it again (cheating/drinking/name calling/yelling/pushing. I can’t go anywhere without him constantly asking who im with or where i am, as a result i have lost ALL contact with my friends and slowly with my family.

I am 5 months pregnant, we were going to put the baby up for adoption but he changed his mind (leagally all i can do is give up parental rights and the baby goes to him if he refuses to sign adoption papers). I feel trapped. He’s in jail for the next two years as of a month ago, i have no support from him, he lost his job 3 weeks before he went to jail and left me to pay the rent by myself. On top of all this i just found out that he cheated on me when i was 4 months pregnant. I don’t understand how he could do that when we were living together and he knew very well that i was expecting as he’d already been to ultrasounds with me.

I know our relationship is unhealthy, im not happy. He always blames me for everything (his drinking, the fact he cheated, the reason he’s in jail….which was 2 years ago he assaulted someone and assisted his friend in a robbery. i was at home that night)

I feel so lost right now, I dont know what to do.. I know I need to get out of the relationship because when I was 13 weeks pregnant we had gotten in an argument and he threw me to the ground, I called the cops the arrested him and were going to charge him (he then called me saying if I didn’t have the charges dropped he would have nothing to do with the baby) So I lied and said I made the story up to get the assault charges dropped, even though I was taken to the hosptial afterwards and the police have pictures of my injuries. I dont understand why I am so attached to someone who continually hurts me. I dont get why I can’t say enoughs enough and try to regain control of my life. i know it’s the best thing to do but i cant bring myself to do it.

You’ve been with this guy since you were only 16. My guess is that you have so little experience with relationships that you are terrified to leave this one. It’s all you’ve known. Your story is the story of thousands upon thousands of women who get trapped in abusive relationships. You know you should leave but you think you can’t. Your boyfriend has isolated you from your supports and threatened you and your baby. He’s convinced you everything is your fault. (It’s not.) Of course you’re scared.

The good news is that he is out of your life for awhile. Use the time he’s in jail to get some better information and to develop some supports. Your province has a network of women’s shelters. Go to this website.
You may not need a shelter but you certainly need the information and referrals that these organizations can provide for you. Get some counseling. Join a support group. Get more information about your legal rights.

I don’t know why you dropped charges when he said he’d have nothing to do with the baby. That sounds good to me. If you can’t bring yourself to get out of this situation for yourself, I hope you can think of your baby. This man is not someone you want to bring up your child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Racist dad won’t accept her boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 2nd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years! I am so in love with him. We get along fine, no complaints in the relationship. Well about the 1st year we had been dating my dad shoved me up against my closet door and kicked me out of the house for dating my boyfriend because of his color. While out of my house during year 2 of me and his relationship i was allowed home because my dad got into a really bad car accident. He soon recovered and started walking again. For the past 4 years my dad just assumes that i dont have a boyfriend. He always talks about me getting a boyfriend. I am 22 years old, in love with this guy that my dad doesnt approve of because of his skin color. I am stressed out as about the time i leave my house and either move in with my bf or live by myself how to deal with my family not talking to me, because i know they won’t because of when i was kicked out the first year. I want to know how to deal with this? when is the right time, after i get a job, to tell them about me and my boyfriend being together for so long? I’m scared of what it may come down to, I’m happy it’s my life, I’m responsible, mature, and understand life. Please help me with what i should do.

As you’ve discovered: Avoiding a problem sometimes creates yet another one. You now have both the issue of who you are dating and the fact that you’ve been living a lie for so long. Your parents will rightfully see this as an indication that you aren’t as mature as you think you are. Further, they are likely to think less of your boyfriend because he participated in the lie and didn’t insist that the two of you work it out with your folks.

You have a very, very difficult decision to make. If your father represents the feelings of the whole family, making a life with your boyfriend will mean losing your family of origin – at least for a time. People don’t change just because we want them to. What you can hope for is that the family will eventually come around. They are more likely to do so if you and your sweetheart make a good life for yourselves and if it is clear that you love and cherish each other. Further, people are more likely to make up if they part ways without loud, angry words, incriminations, and accusations. If instead you simply, clearly and, above all, calmly tell your parents how much you love them, how much you appreciate all they’ve done for you, and how much you regret that your choice is something they can’t support, they are more likely to reach out to you after they’ve had more time. After all, they love you and don’t want to lose you as much as you love them. If there is someone in the family who can be an ally, do have a conversation with them to see if there are ways they can lend their support.

I don’t know enough about the situation to know about timing. I do know that the longer you live a lie, the harder it is to undo it. I suggest that you get yourself a counselor. You need an ongoing relationship with someone who can look at the situation objectively and who can help you through the difficult conversations and decisions that are coming your way. Your boyfriend should participate. If the two of you want to be together, you need to take on this big challenge — together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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She’s bothered by her boyfriend’s past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 2nd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dear Sir/ ma’am,
I am a 27 year old woman who is bothered by my the past of boyfriend of 1 year. Before we were in a relationship, he was in a relationship with this girl for 4 years and engaged sexually. They parted ways when the girl cheated on him and got pregnant with another guy. They were in a long distance relationship.

My problem started when I was assigned to work in her previous girlfriend’s town. She lived near the dormitory that I am presently staying. Their past relationship haunts me when I see her. Every place that I see there – every park, food chains, motels etc.- remind me of them. I go to their town every month and I always hate it. I get extremely jealous to the point that I would text him and blame him for being sexually active in the past. I know that it’s not smart to confront him for the past that I really had nothing to do with but I can’t help it. It’s my way of releasing the pain. I know that it sounds silly, but it hurts me so. It kills me to think of what they did for the past 4 years that they were together. He was so close to the girl’s family that he sleep at their home in most days of their relationship.

It hurts me to think that that he was my first boyfriend and I was his 4th. We never engaged in a sexual act because I am a conservative person and he accepted it. We limit our intimacy in kissing and cuddling. I always fantasize to give myself to my future husband. It hurts me a lot too that I never had any experiences that he could be jealous of .Sometimes, I even thought of cheating him just to get even so that he will have something to get jealous of but I can’t do it. I know it is wrong.

I know that my bf really loves me and he showed it to me a million times and I don’t doubt about his sincerity. He even planned of proposing to me by September. He works as a seafarer and I don’t have the chance to personally confront him about my feelings. I can’t leave my job too because I really love it and I’ve been here for the past 4 years.
Please help me. I can’t get it out of my head. I look forward for your reply.

Thank you

From my point of view, it’s not important that your boyfriend once loved another. What’s important is that he learned from that experience and now has chosen you. He loves and respects you enough to limit intimacy with you to kissing and cuddling. He’s sure enough about the relationship that he is talking about a proposal.

Your jealousy and worries are not about him or his prior girlfriend. It’s about you. Your boyfriend is over his past relationship but you’re not. I’m sure there are men who, like you, are waiting until marriage to have sex. Your choice is to either break up with your boyfriend and look for a man who shares your convictions or to come to terms with your boyfriend’s past. He can’t change what happened. You can change how you think about it. Or not. It’s entirely up to you.

If you do want to try to make this relationship work, I urge you to seek out a therapist. “Confronting” your boyfriend with your feelings isn’t likely to be helpful and will probably only lead to arguments. What, after all, can he do? He’ll protest that it’s over. You’ll talk about your feelings. And around and around it’s likely to go. A therapist might be able to help you confront yourself instead. You owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to work through your feelings. If you marry him without doing so, it is likely that you will sabotage your chances for a happy future together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I take him back?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 19th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

First of all, I come from a loving family where my parents have a good marriage. My dad is a very hard worker and both parents were very involved in my life. I am an only child. My mother (though very loving) is bipolar (I think it would now be called cyclothymic disorder b/c she doesn’t have depressed episodes) and I always had to be a very strong and self-reliant person growing up. She did yell a lot. I find now that I end up being emotionally exhausted in relationships because 1. I am 100% committed to persevere despite all obstacles in anything I do and 2. I end up with guys that take a lot out of me emotionally.

My current boyfriend is a wonderful man. I am still attracted to him, love him very much, and we have a lot of fun together. We have been together almost 3 years. He is smart, successful in his job, has good taste, and many talents. His family is supportive of our relationship and has been welcoming when we visit them out of state. He seems to be at his best when with his family, specifically his grandmother, aunts, cousins, nieces/nephews. We share a lot of similar values.

He had a not so great childhood; mom and dad divorced at age 9, (dad cheated, drank, was abusive) mom was rarely around and his older brother by five years was basically watching out for them until they were in their mid teens. He became sexually active at 13. I understand that his mother would do shady things financially, take her children’s tax returns for herself, etc. As a child, they moved in with his grandparents, his grandfather drank heavily and made them do lots of hard yard work on their 3 acre property, he also put them down a lot, called them worthless, etc. He says that if his grandmother wasn’t so grounded, making sure he went to church, guiding him, etc., he would have never been as successful as he is.

Our relationship has been push and pull since the beginning. We met on an online dating site; I dated several guys before deciding to see my BF exclusively and beginning a sexual relationship w/ him. He was hard to get, I became so frustrated in the beginning that when I was about to break up with him after our third month, I saw a book while in line at a coffee shop and bought it. Literally every chapter was entitled as something he was doing that was bothering me – canceling dates, not calling, being distant, pulling back, pushing my buttons, picking arguments that didn’t seem to warrant arguments. We worked through this phase and I do not feel like he “plays games” now, but he still has some issues.

Since then this has been our cycle:

1. Things are okay to great
2. Just when I feel like I have a glimmer of hope about our future he does something – either picks a fight or behaves in a way that hurts me emotionally, is disrespectful, pulling back
3. I attempt to address it and he either refuses to acknowledge what I say entirely (sometimes he responds with weird cooing noises, or inaudible gurgling sounds instead of answering my question or responding; I respond by saying, “use your words.”) or continues to upset me
4. I next reach a point where I am ready to give up on our relationship and attempt a break up
5. He begs forgiveness and panics, promises he will do better
6. He usually improves but it happens all over again with time

I’m exhausted. I wrote him a letter a month ago about all this and how it hurts me, I woke him up at 3am to read it and he did, even though he had to work the next morning. He held me as I cried but said nothing, we went to sleep. Two weeks after that I decided that I have been feeling so much resentment that I made the decision to just be positive and give it my all once again. It was great for two weeks, better than ever, then he pulled back again by leaving my place on my birthday when he originally planned to spend the night, when I asked him why he was going he would not answer me, responding with gurgling noises. I asked him to stay, he said “no, but I will take my leftover pizza.” He left. With the pizza. I called him and told him it was over, the next day he came and begged forgiveness, pointing out how great the last two weeks have been and how far he has come, promising he will work on himself.

This time, I told him I needed space to think and decide what I wanted. I suggested he seek therapy. He said he can do this on his own and he has his whole life to prove it to me. He reluctantly agreed to a 3-week break (we are not seeing other people) and I am thinking things through. He may have his whole life to work through his issues, but I don’t want to wait the rest of my life to be happy. I am in grad school (for applied psychology I/O) I have a full time job, and lots of interests that I have little time for right now. My friends are pressing me to leave him. I don’t know what to do, I want to give him a chance but it seems hopeless, and I deserve to be with someone that gives me everything I need. I wish it were he, but I question if I will ever be truly happy with him.

What should I do when I see him in two weeks if I decide to give him another shot? I was thinking about insisting he seek therapy as a condition of giving him another chance.

Thanks!

Thank you for your clear and well-thought-out concerns. The fact that you have noticed both your patterns and his is a very good observation. It is only when we can see our patterns and others that we have a real chance of making changes.

The 3-week separation is the right thing to do. I have written articles about this elsewhere. The only way true change takes place is by first stopping what isn’t working. By you recognizing how depleting your boyfriend and other relationships have been, you are taking the lead by stopping the most essential problem: trying to persevere.

The sabotage cycle your boyfriend has, pulling the plug right when things are good, is often a cycle that happens when there has been the type of dysfunction you identified in his family. I think it is interesting you have noticed this and identified it as a cycle because in some way it may be like your relationship with your mother. Your experience has been with a mother who required you to be resilient and the one taking responsibility. For you to heal the wounds from your family, and for him to heal his, couples therapy would be the way to go. To be honest it sounds like the two of you are close because there is such clarity on what the issue is, but this will not get better on its own. I suggest using the find help tab at the top of the page to locate a couples therapist. If that isn’t possible, check out a couples therapy weekend with skilled therapists. This may help you both find the correction and the love you both desire.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My mom doesn’t want me dating my BF

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 11th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

What do I do about my boyfriend and my mom? My mom doesn’t want me dating him but she hasn’t even met him. I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months (end of this month) and my parents do not approve of this relationship. At first they were adamantly disapproving of my interracial relationship (I’m Korean dating a White guy) but after 2 weeks of fighting and lots of tears they finally gave in to me dating outside of my race. Now the real problem is that since he doesn’t have a college degree and comes from a broken up family (different family upbringing) my mom is telling me to break it off with him. She wants me to date someone with an education and from the same family upbringing–bring a boyfriend home with the same education level (I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in science). I’ve told them that their standards are not the same as my criteria…tho he doesn’t have a college degree he’s still in the process of graduating and he has a full-time job, fully supporting himself.

I’m employed fulltime and supporting myself. I am no longer dependent on my parents but their approval means a lot to me. They want me to stay friends with my boyfriend or they don’t want to have anything to do with me. After a month of fighting/not talking/exchanges of hurtful words with my mom I finally just told her that I will break it off for our relationship sake. What she doesn’t know is that I’m still with him because their standards don’t hold true for me and this is my life.

I don’t really date for marriage but I do think about my future with him and I can see us living together happily. Now when I put my parents into the equation, all I see is chaos. His family is everything that my parents will not like. I don’t want to hurt him by leaving him because my parents don’t approve. He knows how my parents feel about him and he knows that I told my parents that we are just friends. I want to be in a relationship with him but I feel that when things get serious I’m not sure what I could do because I know that my parents will be very hurt. I am at a great turmoil. What should I do?

What a difficult, difficult situation. You want to follow your heart in a direction your parents can’t support. I’m sure they mean the best for you. I’m sure they love you. They may even be right about the problems you and your boyfriend will face, coming from such different cultures and families. But it’s not as simple as deciding who is right.

You are all caught in a generational difference that is extremely painful all around. By the older generation’s values, you would follow your parents’ wishes. But young people these days are generally left to discover for themselves whether a match is made in heaven – or not. Sadly, trying to bridge the two has got you lying. It does keep your parents at bay but you are betraying their trust and your own values. I’m sure you’re not at all happy about either.

You may not have realized it, but fighting and tears demonstrates to your parents that you aren’t ready to make such an important decision as who you will date. If you are clear about what you want to do, you should be able to present your views without all the drama. You would then tell your folks that their approval means the world to you but that you respectfully disagree and will make your own choices. My guess is that they don’t want to lose you any more than you want to lose them so you would probably be able to work it out.

The fact that you haven’t been able to do that suggests to me that just maybe you have some doubts that you aren’t able to acknowledge even to yourself. The fighting may seem like you are standing up for yourself, but the lying and the giving in keeps you tied to your parents’ ideals. You’re trying to have it both ways: Do what you want but without risking parental disfavor. I think this is the larger problem: You have made your own choices but you aren’t convinced. The current situation with your boyfriend is the issue that brings your own uncertainly forward. In that sense, it’s not about him. It’s about coming to terms with your own beliefs.

This kind of dilemma isn’t unusual for someone who is 24. The twenties is when most of us come into our own. Like the butterfly struggling to free itself from the cocoon, the struggle to define ourselves, separate from our family of origin is what makes us become a mature adult.

I’m not going to tell you what to do about the boyfriend. I do think you should start by clarifying your own thoughts instead of trying to change your parents’ opinions. The rest will flow from that.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Am I So Jealous?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 28th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am incredibly jealous in my current relationship. I have never been a jealous girlfriend before. With previous boyfriends, I felt a pang of jealousy with certain circumstances – like one bf used to stay at a female friend’s house in France for holidays – but I just told myself there’s no point in going out with someone unless you trust them and that worked.

I completely trust my boyfriend, probably more than I’ve trusted any previous boyfriend! Yet I feel distraught when he mentions his past. Even if he doesn’t mention an ex girlfriend I just imagine that they were there. I get upset during sex or if he doesn’t seem to be responding well enough to my advances (all other experiences have been that if I do something sexy, men want to have sex with me, but my current bf sometimes doesn’t respond or just ignores it). I also got upset because it somehow came up in conversation that I had the longest pubic hair he had ever seen. I don’t make much effort on myself but I never have and it’s never been a problem. I’ve always been able to get a boyfriend if I want one so I suppose I’d assumed I didn’t need to try. My boyfriend tells me that he doesn’t want me to make any effort, keeps telling me I don’t need make up and he likes me just how I am, but since he mentioned the pubic hair thing, and he said he liked it shorted for practical reasons during sex, I feel completely inferior.

I also don’t really like it when he speaks to other women, unless they are in a long-term relationship.

I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I think most of it is because I just suddenly think everyone is better than me and that I’m a useless excuse for a woman. My self-esteem just seems to have plummeted over the last year and I’m not clear why. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I think about leaving him. This is because many times a day I feel this simultaneous mixture of emotions – love and heartbreak – the sort of pain I imagine I would get if he left. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

I don’t act jealous around my bf and would never ask him not to do something/see someone for my sake. I talk to him calmly about my jealousy so I can explain why I am upset but I always make sure I tell him that this is my problem and not in any way his fault. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to change the things he does just so I don’t get jealous.

I’m really stuck on this, I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel like crying a lot of the time. How can I start feeling more confident again? I hate feeling jealous and it is also making my boyfriend feel bad.

Thank you for writing.

It sounds to me like you don’t feel good enough about yourself. The jealousy you are describing is probably a projection. You are likely to be jealous of a trait or characteristic that hasn’t fully formed (yet) inside of you. My guess is that you were probably drawn to his confidence.

Self-acceptance is needed to undo jealousy. When you cognitively restructured your thoughts, such as telling yourself that a relationship is valueless unless you have trust, you were able to cope much better.

Self-acceptance is important for coping with the internal pangs you describe. I would recommend working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist for a few brief sessions to identify more of the negative thoughts you have (you have a good handle on many of them from your description here) and to find more positive affirmations to replace them. The find help tab at the top of the page will assist you in locating someone.

That having been said, the other part of this is to be okay enough with your boundaries and concerns that you can assert them clearly enough when they are bothering you. When he says or does something you don’t like it will be just as important to find your voice and be clear about what isn’t okay.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Recent and Past Problems with Friends, Boyfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 17th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been going through a lot lately. My mom won’t talk to me because I celebrated Christmas for the first time. Also about 3 weeks ago I had a close friend over for a few drinks and I didn’t want her driving home so I asked her to spend the night. Then in the middle of the night, I went to the living room to see if my boyfriend wanted to come back to bed since he couldn’t sleep earlier. When I got there I saw my friend kneeling beside my boyfriend with her arms around him and her head on his chest. His arms were also around her and he was sleeping. So I asked what is going on and when my boyfriend saw me standing there he thought this doesn’t look good at all. I ran to our bedroom crying and slammed the door. About a few minutes later he came in the room and said nothing happened. I went to work the next morning and my so-called friend was texting me apologizing and I said if it happens again there will be severe consequences. I hated her so much for such a long time and now I don’t trust her at all.

It made me have flash backs when I was a teenager seeing my mom seek the comfort of another man and that lead her to have an affair with that man. My bf at first was comforting and understanding but then after he stopped being that way and took my so-called friends side. He denies it but I kept accusing him. It got so bad my depression that he almost asked me to leave because I told him you might of well have slept with her. Recently we went away for the weekend and he brought up the issue. It really upset me because I didnt want to think about it. He told me that he misses how it was before between my so-called friend and I. I told him that it won’t ever go back to the way it was because of what you and her did to me. The damage is done and can’t be repaired. He also said he was going to continue to be her friend and I said ya but she can’t come over anymore. My bf also comments on how great other women look and it makes me feel like I’m ugly. Like today I showed him a bikini and he asked me if it comes with the body. That made me feel like crap. I don’t like him touching me anymore. I’ve also have thoughts everyday about sitting on the kitchen floor with a chefs knife and slowly cutting away at my wrists. Then having him finding me on the bloody floor. I need help about what to do. I’ve tried talking to my bf about how I’m feeling but he just gets mad at me. Please HELP.

This is a complex situation. Your boyfriend seems to have an affinity for your friend and you can’t let go of their betrayal of you. You said in your letter that “the damage is done and it can’t be repaired.” This problem may be repairable but it will require a serious commitment to healing the relationship on the part of both you and your boyfriend. It may also necessitate couples counseling.

You are having thoughts of suicide but seemingly not because you want to end your life. Rather, the purpose would be to punish those who hurt you. Thus the motivation is punishment of the other, not to harm yourself. In essence, you want others to experience the pain and suffering you have endured. Your hurt feelings are understandable but your approach to dealing with them is not healthy. There are other ways to communicate your hurt feelings that do not involve harming yourself.

You say that your boyfriend makes you feel a particular way. Please keep in mind that no one can make you feel anything. Feelings emanate from within you. Your boyfriend may say hurtful and inappropriate things but the feelings generated as a result are yours. The fact that you feel inadequate because of his comments may indicate low self-esteem. Individual counseling could help develop healthy self-esteem.

Your boyfriend betrayed you. Now he cannot understand why you’re having difficulty coming to terms with what he has done. You essentially caught him cheating and he wants to remain in contact with the friend he cheated with. He cannot expect you to simply “get over it.” He has hurt you and if he wants the relationship to continue, then he needs to demonstrate, with actions, not words, that he is worthy of your forgiveness. Thus far there’s little to no evidence of him fully appreciating the pain that he has caused you. If this does not change, the relationship may not be salvageable.

As I mentioned above, you may want to consult a couples therapist. It would be the most efficient way to handle this problem. If your boyfriend is unwilling to attend couples counseling, then you should consider going alone, to an individual therapist. The individual therapist could provide you with the advice and guidance necessary to navigate this complex relationship.

If you feel suicidal, then go to an emergency room or call 911 immediately. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend is Lying to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 6th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My Bf and I have been together for a little over a year. His mother passed away in Sept. after a tough battle with cancer. I was by his side through it all. She passed on Sept. 20, 2010. On Sept. 28, 2010 he and his father met with an insurance rep to discuss his mother’s long term care policy. On October 3-6 my bf would not talk to me. He would ignore my calls and emails. Then on Oct 7. He started talking to me again as if nothing had happened. When I asked why he hadn’t been talking to me he said he was sorry but that everything with his mom had “arrived at his front door”. I was understanding and sympathetic but I had a “gut” feeling that something wasn’t quite right. A couple of weeks later he was at my house and forgot to close his email…. yes I snooped.

I found that he and the insurance rep had been emailing. These were very flirty/somewhat sexually suggestive emails. He made a comment to her about coming to see him, “preferably without undergarments” and made a comment that he “hopes everything on her is still firm”. They had very lengthy telephone conversations. (He wont spend more than 5 minutes on the phone with me, says he hates talking on the phone). The last email to her was Oct. 07 when she said she might “grace her with his presence later today.” (He was chatting with me online at the same time, telling me how his mom’s death just hit him so hard). I didn’t see any more emails after that date. I did see an email dated Oct. 19 that he sent to his ex gf telling her how much he missed her and cant stop thinking about when she was suppose to come meet him in Chicago in Oct 09. In November I found out he had been txing two 18-20 yr old girls pretending to be a 20 yr old boy (the boy who had previously had his cell number.) One of the girls told me he asked her for naked pics. I asked him several times about all of these issues. Asked him pointblank about the ins. rep. He denied anything other than a business relationship.

I finally confronted him about what I knew. He said they never had sex or kissed or anything like that and that nothing further happened after the Oct. 7 email. The problem is, he lied to me so many times before when I asked him. He looked me straight in the eye and lied. How can I trust him or should I. Am I a fool for giving him another chance? Oh, and he also lied to me yesterday about an old “friend” that he talks to all the time…actually there are two. He said he never had sexual relationship with them but I found out that he did…with both of them. I asked him again yesterday. “So you and Janice were never more than friends? You never had sex or anything like that? He said. Oh No. We always been just friends.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I do love him but I don’t want to be blind-sided again or be a complete fool.
Thank you.

You did the right thing by writing to us. I am glad you are deciding to take control of the situation. He isn’t worth another minute of your time. Let’s review. He flat out lied about five different people in the space of several weeks. Don’t kid yourself that you love him. You love his potential, not his reality. Who he is with you versus who you think he could be are two different things.

I would encourage you to find an individual therapist and plan to take better care of yourself. You deserve more than someone who isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you are. Once you get through the nuts and bolts of the breakup, I would use your therapy to find out why you thought you loved someone so lacking. This will be important to know as you begin dating again.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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BF has anger issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 19th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Grieving BF can’t love new baby

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 12th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a 26 year old female i have been with my fiancee for about 14 months we now have a baby boy who is a month old about 2months ago i found out that he had been seeing some one on the side whom he worked with. He told me that he was not happy anymore with me and he couldn’t tell me why just that he wasn’t happy. About 2 weeks ago we separated he didn’t want to see his son and had really nothing to say to me.

last week i took the baby to see him and we talked and decided that i was going to move back in and that he was done seeing the other woman and he said she would get over it he was even talking about changing shifts at the job to avoid anymore problem he told me that he loved me and our baby and that was what he wanted, things were going well we were acting as if nothing had happend and it was wonderful

2 nights ago he went crazy and i had to call a family member of his to come help me he had locked his self in our bathroom and was threatening to kill himself and he got very physically violent in ways i had never seen him act. I will add that he is 37 and he lost his first and only child before ours 12 years ago tomarrow in a car accident.

Last night he wakes up from a nap and tells me he is tired of living with a headache and that he can’t force his self to be happy and askes me to take my boys and leave, told me he wasn’t asking me to move out just to give him time and space to himself to think and decide what he wants.

I will add that this is a man that is a alcoholic in the first 3 days i was gone from the home i found 5 empty beer cases on my porch and i believe that he needs help for that along with mental help am i wrong for thinking that?

Do you think it would be wrong for a family member to have him commited for mental health help even tho he is going to get extremely upset with everyone. And do you think i am wasting my time waiting for him to decide what he wants or could it be he knows he mad the mistake and don’t how to deal with it and could it be that he still hasn’t found the right way of dealing with the anniversary of his sons death.

I love this man with everything in me and i want us to make things work but how do you do that when the other person won’t try and get help all they say is there not going to help me it would be a waste of time.

What a painful and difficult situation for both of you. It certainly sounds like having a child has triggered unresolved grief and pain in your fiance. He is casting about for a way to dull the pain. Alcohol, an affair, and even suicide all look like options to him. Sadly, he is missing out on the baby he has while he mourns the child he lost.

Sometimes people who have lost a child are terrified to love another. They know how vulnerable being a parent makes us. They never want to feel that kind of loss again so don’t let themselves get close.

Some people believe (consciously or unconsciously) that moving on means disrespect for the child they lost. They don’t want “help” because they feel that it would be in some way abandoning the child.

No. I don’t think you are wasting your time to try to support a man who is in this much pain. Your baby is only a month old. Standing by him now may mean that you can yet make a family. If you love him, you need to be patient and you need to get some practical advice. Please consider finding a therapist, not because I think you are ill but because I think this situation would be difficult for anyone. A therapist can give you the support you need and can help you figure out what to do. Once the therapist knows you and your story, she or he can also invite your boyfriend to join you in a few sessions. Sometimes this is a way to show someone that help is actually helpful.

It’s unlikely that you can commit your boyfriend unless he is actively suicidal. It would be far, far better for him to face his pain and accept some help. I hope you can talk with him lovingly and gently. I hope you can let him know that you understand how overwhelmed he is feeling and that you want to be with him in his grief. And I hope the two of you will seek out some counseling to help you through this difficult, difficult time.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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