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Insomnia & Substance Abuse

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 5th, 2024
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

For the past two months, I’ve been plagued by insomnia (or what I believe to be insomnia; not diagnosed) every waking second I’m breathing on this earth. And this is really bad. I’m only sleeping two hours a day, maybe sometimes three, and then crashing on the sixth or seventh day sleeping around eight hours.

I’ve also been abusing a lot of cocaine, LSD and oxycodone lately – just because I’m bored, really bored. To be fair, I only do cocaine maybe twice a week, and oxycodone just a few times as it helped me fall asleep some times, but it doesn’t seem to work anymore.

I do cocaine to be social at school. When high on it, I’m talking for hours about anything to anyone. It makes me people wanna be around me. It’s wonderful. It’s pure bliss. And as described above, I only did oxycodone a few times as a sleeping agent.

With LSD, I’ve done maybe 8,000 micrograms of it, meaning I’ve done about 80 hits. This was the over the span of three months, I believe. I stopped taking it as it begun to become a boring thing to do. I’ve currently had a vested interest in amphetamines like adderall as it lasts longer than cocaine.

And, I personally believe if I could fix this dreadful fucking insomnia that I won’t need to abuse drugs. When I’ve slept for 8 hours, I’m completely different. I’m social, open and happy. When deprived of sleep, I can’t concentrate at all (I quite literally lose focus in basic conversations), I hate everything, and so forth.

I can’t go to the doctors because my mom thinks I’m just lazy and thinks I’m using my sleep deprivation as an excuse. I’ve gotten sleeping medication like Ambien illegally, it worked for a few days, then didn’t. Essentially… nothing works. Exercising doesn’t work. I have a tight schedule. I eat healthy, drink lots of water. But lo and behold, I still want to kill myself from the sleep deprivation every single waking hour on this planet.

Please help. I want motivation. I want true, and not artificial happiness with tools like cocaine. I want to be able to socialize naturally, not whilst on cocaine. I’m simply just empty and angry – not depressed, sad or hopeless mind you.

Anyways… what do I do? (From Norway)

You’ve done the right thing by reaching out here. Thank you for your bravery in dealing with this head on. What I get from your email is that you are in a cycle that feeds on itself. The drugs you are using to deal with the boredom have made you so anxious you need different drugs to make you sleep, which triggers the boredom — and it begins again. This type of cycle keeps pulling you down — making the drugs ineffective because you’ll need more of everything. This typically doesn’t end well — so your desire to deal with it now is crucial.

First thing’s first. Get some help for getting off the drugs. You’ve got to do that first to break the cycle. I’d find a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting nearby you and begin attending. You won’t be able to think clearly and create a plan until you have taken care of this. The insomnia is now related to the cycle of drug use. The link will also help you find resources to help you with that.

Dr. Dan

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Do I Have Autism?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 4th, 2024
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt empty and vacant. It’s not that empty feeling one gets when they feel like they lost all purpose in life. It’s almost like being numb in the mind. I am not sad or depressed. Depersonalisation happens to people who suffer from an anxiety disorder. I don’t think that’s my case, however I have never been tested for it.

People have been telling me that I come off as emotionless. I find that weird because I am not the quiet type, I have a strong need to be the center of attention. Regardless of me having or not having emotions, there shouldn’t’ be any outside indicators that I don’t, but then people might see that as an act.

I have emotions. One strong emotion I do experience is when I am not fully in control (not being the center of attention, not being the loudest). I’;ve had this feeling maybe 5 times in my lifetime so far and it’;s probably the strongest emotion I have ever felt. The closest I could compare it to is being choked.

I tend to develop a strong disgust and hatred for people that seem inferior. This makes me sounds insecure, but it’s mostly people that I really don’t envy. When I try to ignore this hatred and disgust, I see clearly for a moment, but it comes back. I don’t make it known that I hate these people, but when I have a chance to make their lives worse, I take it.

There might be the obvious question if I have been abused or have experienced any traumatic events as a child, but I haven’t. I used to get in trouble a lot when I was younger, the teachers complained about me making the environment toxic and being manipulative. I always had a natural disgust for fat kids and the “slower” kids. I’ve always been the top of my class regarding grades, but being sent to the principal’s office was a regular thing.

Is this autism? Autistic people tend to be good at logical puzzles. Despite having good grades, I don’t think being a logical planner or a problem solver is something I would present myself with.

I never gave it too much thought really, I always thought that it was normal.

It is impossible to provide a diagnosis over the internet. Certainly, there are many things about yourself not included in this letter. That significantly limits my ability to determine a diagnosis. Thus, my response will be less specific that you might prefer it to be.

Let’s begin with the first element of your question, which involves your lacking purpose in life. You stated that you’re not sad or depressed but lacking a life’s purpose is, in the view of many clinicians, the foundational basis for depression. Alternately, because you are still so young, perhaps you haven’t yet determined what makes you happy or gives you purpose. Most people in their 20s have yet to determine their life’s purpose and that is normal. Clarity about one’s life purpose often comes with time and maturity.

You mentioned depersonalization. That is defined as feeling disconnected or detached from one’s mind or body. That’s different than lacking a purpose. That symptom is not necessarily common with anxiety disorders; it’s more characteristic of depression. It is, however, a common side effect of people who use certain drugs, particularly marijuana.

You wrote that people often perceive you as emotionless. It’s possible that they’re wrong in their characterization of you. It could also be that they are detecting your lack of interest in them. Since you prefer to be the center attention, could it be that when you are not, you lose interest and appear bored? Perhaps that is what they are detecting.

It may also be that you’re not good at sharing your emotions. If you’re overly self-focused, then you might be less interested in the experience of others and thus appear uninterested and emotionless. Without more information, it is difficult to know what may be happening.

You wrote that you have a strong disdain for people whom you perceive as inferior. It would logically follow that if you consider certain people inferior, then you must consider yourself to be superior. Furthermore, when presented with the opportunity to “make their lives worse,” you take it. I interpreted that to mean you are choosing to harm them. That’s like choosing evil over goodness. You can make a different choice. Those are not admirable traits and they will certainly negatively affect the quality of your relationships. Many people won’t tolerate abuse and will choose not to have relationships with you. They are also not traits associated with autism.

In fact, nothing that you have written would suggest a diagnosis of autism, but only an in-person evaluation could make that determination.

You could consult a therapist to ask about autism. I would also recommend counseling to examine why you feel superior to others and why you are inclined to bring misery to the lives of certain people instead of helping them. Whenever possible, kindness and love should prevail. One good rule to follow is the “Golden Rule” — “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” In other words, treat others how you would want to be treated. Thanks for your question.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Do I Have Chronic Boredom?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 13th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the UK: I’ve had terrible feelings of boredom since childhood. It feels like I want to turn into myself, and make myself so small inside i want to disappear or escape from myself and shut down until it passes. it’s like a feeling of doom and dread. There is nowhere to escape. I can’t deal with this emptiness i feel.

When i was a girl I couldn’t watch tv programs that were old (like The Waltons) because they didn’t have tv, gadgets, things that are fun back then – if i watched these tv shows they might pull me in to the tv and I would have to live like this forever. In a very boring world. I would want to die. Even now I can’t watch tv shows like that. If I have to go to the country side, zoos etc i panic because there is no escape. Again, nothing exciting going on and i feel like I want to die. Not suicidal but can’t bare these feelings. It’s like being completely numb, in a vacuum-solitary confinement perhaps.

I’ve had depression for many years and social anxiety. Could this be autism? I don’t exhibit risky behavior, am very cautious and always aware of danger. If i don’t get out and see people/movement/life it’s like someone is strangling me almost, feel very dry inside and sick.

I explain it to people by saying it’s like I’m a child at a bus station far away from home, in another country. my mother has left me there and I don’t know where I am or where to go, I have no money so I can’t eat and everyone disappears and am left alone. forever, locked in my own dark world. No-one is coming to get me.

I’ve searched the internet for chronic boredom but can’t find anything or anyone that feels this way.

Please can you help me?  Many thanks

This doesn’t sound like boredom to me. Boredom is usually a response to a lack of stimulation and the inability to do anything about it. A person who is bored has plenty of energy but can’t find an interesting or satisfying activity.

What you describe is more in line with your diagnosis of depression. A classic symptom of depression is feeling helpless and hopeless to deal with one’s dark feelings. People who are clinically depressed often feel “empty” or numb. It’s possible that you have labeled these feelings as “boredom”. It’s more likely that you are experiencing a depression that has been present most of your life.

You say that you have had depression and anxiety for many years. I hope those diagnoses are the result of a professional assessment, not a search of the internet. You need and deserve a thorough assessment and treatment by a qualified mental health professional. You don’t have to struggle with this alone. You don’t have to live this way for the rest of your life.

Chances are, you will be asked to start with a thorough physical examination. There are a number of medical conditions that cause or contribute to feelings like you describe. If your physician finds nothing wrong, then it’s time to seek out or return to a psychiatrist and a counselor. You might benefit from taking an antidepressant. I always urge people to also see a talk therapist. Medication alone is seldom enough to change a person’s point of view about themselves when they have been struggling as long as you have.

I hope you will take this advice seriously and follow up. You deserve to have a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Both Homicidal and Suicidal

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 4th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been intrigued by murder and serial killers, it borderlines on obsession. For over 7 years I have been having vivid fantasies about plunging knives into my sisters chest and throat and poisoning my dad. Then it progressed to complete strangers. I have each one planed out from picking my victim, to the actual act, then the disposal of the body and any evidence, even my alibi should I need it. These fantasies moved to urges, so strong that I have to hold myself back from actually doing it. This should sicken me but it Intrigues me, fascinates me, excites me. In my fantasies I’m doing it out of boredom because it’s fun. Most recently I have included myself in them. Making me the victim as well.

The fact that you have most recently included yourself as a victim in your fantasies indicates that you have a desire to die. It means that you are both homicidal and suicidal. In many cases, they seem to go hand-in-hand.

You did not provide details about your life circumstances but I suspect that you are experiencing a great deal of psychological pain and are in a position in which you feel a lack of power. Often, individuals who feel as though they have insufficient power in the world will fantasize about what they perceive to be the ultimate power, which is taking the life of another.

There’s nothing glamorous about murder or those who commit it. It’s an act of grave destruction. Every religion considers it a sin. It’s an act of evil, plain and simple.

You are on the verge of being unable to control your behavior. In addition, it seems as though you continually expose yourself to your obsession which increases the likelihood that you may act out your fantasies. I would consider your risk for potential violence as being high.

I strongly urge you to seek emergency assistance. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior, then go to the emergency room immediately. The staff at the emergency room can keep you safe and can ensure that you receive treatment. Treatment would also address why you feel compelled to hurt others and help you to control your impulses.

Fantasizing about wanting to harm others and yourself are clear indicators of mental instability and potentially severe depression. At this point in time, you have not harmed anyone. Should you act on your fantasies, you will lose your freedom and potentially your life. You might spend the rest of your life in prison or face the death penalty.

If you’re looking for other ways to handle boredom, I have some ideas that may be helpful.

  • Engage in physical activity: Going for a walk, run, workout or playing a sport can help you release energy and improve your mood.
  • Learn a new skill or hobby: Taking up a new hobby or learning a new skill can keep your mind occupied and give you a sense of purpose.
  • Seek therapy or counseling: Seeking professional help to deal with negative thoughts and emotions can provide the protagonist with the tools and support needed to cope.
  • Turn to creative outlets: Engaging in creative pursuits such as writing, drawing, or music can channel the protagonist’s energy and emotions into something positive.
  • Find a new purpose or goal: Setting a new goal or finding a new purpose can give the protagonist direction and motivation, and help shift their focus away from negative thoughts and behaviors.
  • Connect with friends and loved ones: Building and maintaining strong relationships with friends, family, and loved ones can provide a sense of support and fulfillment, and help combat feelings of boredom and loneliness.

Please seek help immediately before you do something that you will regret and could ruin your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Am I Lazy, Depressed, or Having a Burnout?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 16th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Indonesia; I’ve been on AD last month and I only took it for 8 days. Then I stopped taking it. Not because I couldnt bear the side effect, but simply because my parents no longer allow me to take it.

Now I’m in college, 2nd year, 4th semester. I’ve been a high achiever since my primary school. I had the highest GPA until my 3rd semester among my batch, but now I’m changing and I don’t like it.

I used to do all my works and courseworks diligently, trying my best on everything: quizzes, courseworks, attendances, everything. But now, I cannot do those things anymore. I cannot concentrate on my tasks for even 10 minutes. I’m easily distracted and cant focus or concentrate. I’m no longer motivated, and assignments really feel like a torture for me. I still do them, but something inside my head and heart just doesn’t like it and I cannot pour my heart onto my works. While my friends are having an improvement on their academics, here I am, having a deterioration on my academics. My scores are not as high as they were before, my works were not as maximum as they were before.

I think I’m being lazy, or maybe I’m having a burnout, or maybe it’s the depression again. I just don’t know. I’m lacking interest in almost every aspect in my life, but I’m still trying to hang out with my friends if I get the time. I wake up tired and never feeling refreshed: my body, especially my back aches so badly.

I need help to figure out what’s happening to me because I don’t like me being like this, I don’t like having a low score for everything I do, because I used to have high scores and achievements and tried my best.

I’m concerned. I’m not at all sure this is a mental health problem. Being so over-tired and having a backache suggest that there may be something medical going on. Please stop calling yourself lazy. It doesn’t help and it may be preventing you from going to see a doctor.

Seeing a doctor is exactly what I’m going to suggest that you do. With such serious symptoms, you need to make sure that the problem isn’t medical. I don’t know what “AD” is but if it was prescribed for you, it is your doctor who should be explaining to your parents why it is necessary.

It’s also possible that you need a break from academics. Achieving at a high level is stressful and exhausting. When a student loses interest, it is sometimes because they aren’t working toward a goal that makes sense to them. They have lost sight of why they are working so hard. Maybe you need to talk to someone about what your life goals are and whether your academics are relevant to those goals.

You made an important first step by writing to us here at LifeHelper. The next step is to make an appointment with your doctor. Please follow through. You deserve to feel better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Drug Addiction is Hurting Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 1st, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We get along great and would do anything for each other. However, our relationship has taken a slight turn for the worse just this past month. My boyfriend smokes marijuana everyday (I personally do not, but dont mind that he does). And i knew that sometimes on special occasion he used other drugs as well, such as cocaine. This never really bothered me because he kept reassuring me that him and his friends were smart about the drug, knew how dangerous it could be if not handled correctly. And the special occasion cocaine use never effected our relationship or how well we were together.

It wasnt until 3 weeks ago that i heard he had done cocaine with some friends out of boredom, I asked him, he denied. Later he told me the truth, that he had done it. In fact he also confessed that he started using cocaine more frequently (about 3 times a month). I was shocked, that he could and did hide this from me. I was upset, he agreed he would stop, and was very apologetic. He knew he had to regain my trust. Everything I thought was going to be okay. Until I get a call that my boyfriend was in the hospital after collapsing unconscious after cocaine use with his same friends. He has admitted he has an addiction problem. Again is very apologetic, says it took this close call for him to learn. Says he really wants my help. I am very worried. Not sure what my role as girlfriend entitles now, and not sure if I should stick around? I love him, and we have so much great history together. I do care about him a lot, and want to help. But dont know if i am even someone who can help, or if this is something he needs to do on his own? I am filled with mixed emotions, as this was a recent event. I dont know where to go from here.

As you are finally discovering, when someone is involved with drugs, they are not completely involved with you. There has always been an affair in this relationship — his affair with drugs. The good news is that he has admitted to an addiction problem. Apparently, the hospitalization was a wakeup call. The test of whether he is someone to stay with is whether he follows up with treatment. People can and do get into long-term recovery. People can and do give up drugs forever.

Your role in this is to cease being so tolerant! You absolutely should mind that he is using weed every day. You absolutely shouldn’t tolerate that he uses cocaine — even occasionally. It may not affect your life all that much now when you’re both in high school but it will definitely affect his ability to get on with adult life once you get out of school. Growing up means learning to manage emotions, decisions, social life, and relationships without the haze of drugs. He needs to find a better group of friends and much better things to do with his time that will help him prepare to get into adult life, not check out of it.

I suggest you find the local chapter of Alateen to help you figure out how best to be helpful and whether the signs are right that he is worth sticking around for. Alateen is part of the Al-Anon programs. It helps teens who are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use. Check out the Alateen website. You will find out more about the program and and you can locate a meeting near you.

I wish you well.
Dr. marie

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I Can’t Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 28th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I honestly don’t know what my problem is. Some days I wake up and instantly hate everything and everyone around me. I go out of my way to block very solution people present me to whatever problem I focus on, and any form of happiness or consolation downright enrages me. If I see someone who is happy, I’ll want to make them unhappy. If I sense any positivity, I want to turn it into negativity. I seldom act on these feelings of anger, I just let them sit until eventually they go away. Though it should be noted that every now and again I lash out at my loved ones in the form of intense arguments and verbal fights.

I have struggled with social anxiety and depression since I was 13, and am now 21. My anxiety has improved somewhat, but not to the point that I would like. I still have incredible difficulties in many social situations, and thinking about those difficulties just makes me angrier. I’ll begin to feel like my friends are just pretending to like me, that my successes in life must be meaningless because someone like ME did it, and that things will stay this way forever, and that’s where the depression comes in.

I’ve been in and out of therapy for as long as I can remember. I have tried just about every antidepressant in the book, (SSRI’s, Buspar, some Beta-Blockers, and benzo’s for my anxiety), and none have given me the kind of results I seek or read that others have had, so I assume my problems aren’t biochemical.

I understand I just need to find the right therapist, and have been looking, but I cannot for the life of me get a read on what it is I’m dealing with here, and to me that is a necessary first step. Outside of my occasional outbursts I have a very close relationship with my family, and no trauma as a child. I just want to understand where these feelings are coming from so I can address them. I want to feel like a human being, not like I’m just some machine that runs the same pre-programmed routine day by day until the batteries die.

Thanks for writing in. I’d highly recommend group therapy. The difficulties you are experiencing need to managed in real time — as they are happening. When you go into a group all of these symptoms will happen in the group. This will give you a direct chance to deal with them. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your area. You can also use this locator service to find qualified group therapists.

Group therapy brings all of the features of the symptoms into play — and then give the facilitator a chance to help ameliorate them through interaction with other members.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Very ‘Odd’ Behaviors

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 22nd, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I used to get many strange looks for the things I did, like smash a bird on the beach with a rock when I was younger, blow fish up with fireworks, laugh when a rock was thrown at a bird and broke its wing, and I also used to abuse pets a lot as well. I used to beat the dog, I would choke my pet hamster until his eyes started bugging out, stuff like that.

Animals aren’t the only area where my behavior is peculiar. I am damn good at manipulating people and also putting on a show to seem like such a great guy (I forgot to mention I am now 21). When I was 18, my ex girlfriend broke up with me so I faked a suicide attempt to reel her back in, I even went as far as slashed my wrists to make it believable. That wasn’t an honest attempt though, it was just a move in the game I was playing to keep her around. The best part is, it worked too.

I have stolen from friends and family, and never felt an ounce of remorse for it. I still currently do, but instead of stealing possessions I steal medications so I can get high. I don’t tell people about this behavior because I don’t want them to see the real me, I can’t keep getting my way if they see me for what I really am.

I also have noticed that when it comes to women, I get bored so easily. When I meet a new girl everything is great in the beginning and fun, but after a while I start to become bored of them and start considering looking elsewhere. I’ll string them along for sex and whatever else they give me until I have my sights set on someone else, and then I’m just done.

I have also engaged in many criminal activities, especially in my early to late teen years. It was always a source of fun for me because I get bored so easily. Another point of mine is I don’t empathize with people, I have never known how to. I actually find it annoying when someone is upset or crying, like why do they feel the need to be such a mess? There’s plenty more that I haven’t told, but what I want to know based on what I have told you is what makes me this way?

The “why” question is not an easy one to answer. Maybe you were born with an inability to empathize. You didn’t mention this, but abuse and neglect are sometimes associated with a lack of empathy. There are many other possibilities, but I would need to know more about you to answer your question.

Even if you knew why you behaved the way you do, it does not provide much guidance for change. What’s most important is your being aware of the problem and wanting to change and be a better person.

My advice is that you seek professional help. Once the therapist collects information about your life history, he or she can provide insight into your “why” question and help you change.

The life of a criminal is not a glamorous or pleasurable one. It’s likely to lead to your loss of freedom. Without help, you’ll probably also struggle to develop deep and meaningful relationships. A life of crime, abuse, manipulation and shallow relationships is the antithesis of a good life. It will lead to your suffering and the suffering of other people.

We are all capable of good or evil, but it is a choice. If you are open to change, then there’s a great deal of hope for you. If not, that’s obviously worrisome.

There is help for you if you are willing to take it. The choice belongs to you. Choose wisely or suffer the consequences. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What’s the Best Way of Going about Being Diagnosed When You Don’t Trust Your Family?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 10th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi there, in places like these I go by the name Jack.

By nature, I’m a paranoid person. Very paranoid, actually, to some extreme extents. With that said, I have absolutely no trust in the family that I live with and could describe my feelings towards them as hateful. Naturally, this means I don’t talk about anything with them, and I will continue to not do so.

Some of the ‘problems’ I am reluctant to share with them involve the previously mentioned paranoia or urges that may soon get the best of me. Every now and then I see, or hear, something that I know isn’t actually there – something other people can’t see. These sightings are only brief, as soon as I try to focus on them they vanish (which torments me). However, I’m relatively OK with seeing the occasional bump-in-the-night. A problem that I believe is much worse is my boredom. Unless given a task that I am required to do, such as attending school, I am utterly and entirely bored. I fail to get anywhere near completing tasks, and I never really talk to one person for too long, because I am always bored. Even subjects that I develop a great interest in rapidly become monotonous and I have to search for something new.

All of these mentioned problems contribute to an urge, I suppose. The frustration I feel from my – albeit brief – hallucinations, the paranoia I face, and the relentless boredom all contribute to a feeling I can only describe as anger – yet it isn’t anger. I am perfectly calm, and for now, in control. This feeling is more of something internal, something that builds up and must soon be released. I find myself fantasising about taking a life so that I myself can actually feel something. Admittedly, I’m as prepared as a 16-year-old can be – I have a collection of latex gloves, 30.5 metres of rope, and other useful goodies. I really, really want this release.

My question is this: how do I go about speaking to somebody professional, someone who can tell me what I am, without informing my family? I have to know how else I can experience this release because I fear that if I took a life the thrill would not last long enough and eventually I would get arrested. I’d like to note that it’s not guilt or repentance I fear, but instead the boredom that would be ever-present in prison

You are only 16 years old. Everything that you’ve learned about life, existence, the nature of the universe, philosophical thought and everything else, not previously mentioned, you’ve learned in 16 years. Please bear with me. Let’s look at where you were, 16 years ago. This is also true for everyone born 16 years ago and for every other person ever born at the 16 year point in their life; you, me, and everyone else. Sixteen years ago, you were so dumb that you didn’t know your own name. They spent hours with you, trying to teach you your name. You were so dumb, you didn’t know what that big yellow thing was in the sky that hurt your eyes when you looked at it. You were so dumb, knew so little, that they had to teach you not to make little piles of poopy all over the house. You couldn’t talk. You had no idea what those strange sounds emanating from big people, meant. You would learn but it would take years. In 16 short years, you’ve learned everything that you know.

You knew nothing and now you know a lot more, but there is a lot more to learn. That should be obvious to you. If you could get into a time machine and go back and visit yourself at the age of 8 and say to the 8-year-old version of yourself “hey kid you think you know a lot but you really don’t know anything. You think you know but you don’t. There is sooooo much more.” That 8-year-old kid would look at you like you’re crazy and never believe a word that you said because to him he knows everything. Everything he knows is all that he knows and so he thinks that there can’t be any more than everything. But he is very wrong. Healthy people will continue to learn about the nature of life, the rights and wrongs, the things that are important, the things that they were meant to do, until the moment of their death.

You’ve talked about paranoia as if it is an acceptable thing but it is never an acceptable thing. Paranoia is by definition an unrealistic and thus false distrust of others. When you are 16, you will factually know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Santa Claus has the identical physical appearance of your parents and to believe that he looks any other way is wrong because it is false. After 16 years of existence you will know factually that no matter how hard you look in this world, you will never find a unicorn and it would be ridiculous for anyone to think otherwise. Do we need to talk about the tooth fairy? I don’t think so.

Paranoia is always unacceptable because it’s false. It is a false belief. Don’t confuse paranoia with distrust. You should not trust everyone nor should you distrust everyone. There are people who are trustworthy and there are people who are not trustworthy. If you trust those you shouldn’t, you will not prosper in life. It will hurt you. If you do not trust those that you should, then you will not prosper in life. You must learn to trust appropriately, not too much or too little, and accept the fact that you will be off a little in the trust quotient but because you are only off a little it will not hurt you to any significant degree.

I sincerely believe from the intelligence expressed in your letter that with the passage of more time and thus the acquisition of more knowledge, you will come to understand that hurting others is always wrong. You, yourself will not want to hurt others. Not because I told you not to, or you read it in a book but because you have personally determined it to be wrong from the knowledge that you’ve acquired studying religion, morality and the great philosophers.

Would you agree with me, if I said to you that you are changing? How much of you changed since you were 14? How different are you now than when you were 12? Growing up is tough. It’s much tougher than almost any parent remembers. You need to find yourself. You need to find out who you are. You need to find out what will make you happy. You need to find out what you were meant to do and with time and hopefully a good mentor or two, you’ll do just that. The teen years and the early 20s are a stormy sea to transverse, especially the teen years.

You know what boredom is? It is simply saying “I don’t like what I’m doing right now and I don’t know what to do that will make me happy.” This type of boredom, in your teen years, is both natural and healthy. It motivates you to find that which will make you happy. You are a unique human being. You are not your mother or your father or a combination thereof. You are completely unique. What makes them happy, may not make you happy. Love and respect them for the good that they have done for you and forgive them that which they have done incorrectly. Love them for trying and forgive them for falling short.

I would recommend counseling. Your counselor will be your mentor. It’s a perfectly safe place to talk to someone who can take their advanced knowledge and share its applicability to you and your unique being. Shop around a little for a therapist. When you find someone it’s easy to talk to and someone you like, you found your therapist.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Can I Fix This?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 31st, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen boy in the U.S.: for a long time now i have felt empty and bored with life, i have had no ambition or motivation to do anything, i always see how people have dreams and aspirations but i have no desire for anything, not even money can buy me happiness. i have one friend that im not allowed to hang out with.

im terrified of talking to kids at school cause im scared they will think im annoying or laugh at me which i hate. i have no real relationship with anyone but i really crave one. this feeling makes me horrible at doing school work because as you would imagine punishing me doesnt make me want to do it.

at my house i get yelled at constantly and insulted about everything. i cant ever seem to do anything right there, and no matter what i do i cant live a peaceful life there. then i get yelled at for slacking at school worsening my emptiness and losing motivation to live life. i cant act anyway without being critisized about it at my house.

my best memories are with friends that i dont have now, i dwell on those memories too much which makes me extremely sad. iv been to a therapist with my parents but all they talked about was how bad of a kid i was. i hate my dad and my mom is indifferent. and if i express any hate toward him im completely terrfified of what will happen. i think i may have to kill myself because i have no motivation meaining i have to be at my parents house, they will kick me out on the street and i will have to be homeless.

there seems to be no point in anything because nothing can make me happy.i really need help on what i can do to make this problem go away.

Thank you so much for writing. We can’t fix everything but I think enough can be fixed so that you will feel better. But you are going to have to start the process. And, by the way, just in case — if you are smoking any weed, stop! It is the great motivation killer of all time.

So, you are going to have to do a few things even if you don’t “feel like it”. Things aren’t going to get better on their own. No one can make it happen for you. So dig deep. Somewhere deep inside you want to get better or you would not have written to us. That’s a great place to start.

The easiest start point is your school work. You don’t have to be motivated. You just have to suck it up and do it. You are clearly a bright guy who thinks deeply. My guess is that at least some subjects would be a piece of cake for you if you bothered to try. Then start volunteering answers in class. Teachers respond to kids who are interested. Other kids do too. The kids who are most likely to end up as friends are those who are interested in subjects you are interested in.

Then join something — anything that interests you. You need to get out of yourself and start doing stuff that helps others. I don’t care if it is a sport, the chess club, or a volunteer or service project. Pick something and just do it. You’ll feel better if you start making a difference of any kind.

Finally — I can’t tell you how disappointed I am that a therapist piled on with your parents about you being a bad kid. You’re not bad. You are discouraged. There’s a huge difference. Talk to the counselor at school to find out if there are any services for teens in your community. In the meantime, you can talk to counselors at the BoysTown Hotline any time. Counselors there are available to talk to teens 24/7.The number is 1-800-448-3000. You can chat online or on the phone. It is free and confidential.

Here’s the most important take away: Life will not get better if you wait around to get motivated. You will start to feel motivated if you start doing things. So start doing. You deserve a better life but only you can make it happen.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Can’t Stop Picking at Skin

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 30th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I don’t know why i pick my skin but i pick on it so much that i have scars and wounds that i tell my self my makeup covers. I have been having this problem since 6th grade when i first got pimples. At fist it was just once a month then it got worse. During 8th grade i picked EVERY SINGLE DAY. This year even though it might not seem possible it got a lot worse.I squeeze things that are nonexistent, acne (which i caused myself). Its not only my face its now on my back arms shoulders chest and i pick there too. Its s bad that when i go in public with a sleeveless shirt or no makeup i’m stared at like i killed people, or laughed at or just ashamed of. the strange part is i still do it every day. It somehow satisfies me. I’ve tried to stop by cutting my nails, painting them, wearing makeup, hiding from the mirror but that doesn’t work. This might sound really gross…but i have to be honest to stop picking so often i don’t brush my teeth or wash my face often to avoid the bathroom. I only wash my face and brush my teeth once a day and that’s terrible. Its getting out of hand specially since i’m only 15. How can i stop a problem that has been building up for 4 years.

Thank you for writing. It takes courage to admit that something has gotten out of hand like this. First, know you are not alone. Skin picking, like nail biting and hair pulling, is more common than you might think. It is a hard habit to break because it relieves anxiety or boredom or even fear. It gives you relief from one problem (an emotion) but then causes another one (damaged skin).

Some experts think it is a function of an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Others think it is part of body dysmorphic disorder. Still others think it is a behavior that is self-rewarding because it relieves some kind of stress or arousal. Whatever the cause, as you’ve already discovered, when it is left untreated, it gets worse and starts to limit a person’s life. The self-consciousness and shame make it harder and harder to want to leave the house.

So — it’s time to get it treated. You didn’t mention what your folks think about your habit. If you’ve managed to keep it from them, it’s time to have a serious talk with them. You are going to need your parents’ help to access treatment and to support you in managing the treatment you choose. A place to start would be with a psychiatrist who specializes in treating teens. There are medications that can help you manage the anxiety that may be at the root of the problem. Another option is to see a counselor who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy to help you learn how to manage your feelings and interrupt the picking. Often a combination of medication and therapy is the key.

Your parents and siblings need to be in on the treatment. Nagging you, scolding or embarrassing you will not help. The people who love you need to learn what you uniquely need in the way of support.

You made an important first step by writing. Now take the next one. Ask your parents to help you get treatment. If you think you’ll have trouble explaining your problem to them, just show them your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Get Bored of People Too Quickly and Thus Do Not Have Any Friends

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 19th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a student at university and I’ve had some very good friends in the past, but with some of them I lost touch because I changed school and with others I do not have anything in common anymore. I have recently moved to another city (for the 3rd time, because of university and my personal travel passion) and started school 1 year ago. I have made exactly 1 friend by now, and without me he would otherwise be the lonely guy because he is very shy and introverted (I am an introvert too, which is probably why we connected easily). To be honest, I would be the lonely girl without him as well.

Anyway, we do not have very much in common other than school – I like arts, design, fashion, traveling, different cultures, etc.. and he is more the guy who loves to stay at home and do nothing all day. So it’s not a friendship based on shared interests but more because nobody better was available for each of us.
Now that one year has passed, I am slowly getting bored by him. Not of what he talks about (well, that also), but rather of him as a person. His life seems so boring to me, sitting at home all day and being sad about his “loser” lifestyle (which we often talk about and he also calls it that himself). The problem, however, is not him. It’s me. I get bored of people so very quickly. I have the feeling everyone else is really stupid and I can relate to no-one because they all don’t know shit. Without wanting to brag or anything – I am very intelligent (my IQ is 157) and to me everything that other people say or do seems useless and boring and uninteresting and uninspired. All the other people are lazy and unmotivated, while I am doing everything I can to become smarter and better etc.. But I feel terribly lonely in this world of intelligence and sophistication. Nobody around me seems to really get me when I talk, except for older people, and they are in most cases not interested in a real friendship with a 24 year old.I meet many people and get to know them and after max. 6 months – 1 year I get bored and “quit” the relationship. But that’s not right. What can I do? (From Germany)

 You need to be finding like-minded people while you are developing your skills. Highly intelligent students often need to be with people who can challenge them. Your friend doesn’t do that — and you’ve been with him a year so you do have the capacity to hang in there. That isn’t getting bored “very quickly.” My point is that you will be motivated once you find a relationship that helps to balance and add to your life.

I’d recommend finding a groups on campus that are doing something interesting and engaging. Talk to them and join one or two that pulls your interest. You are looking for something that activates your passion.

I’d also look into group therapy on campus. Many universities have counseling programs and if they have a group that would be good. The socialization skills and feedback from the group can be very helpful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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Extreme Boredom at Work

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 3rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am having a serve issue at work. There is never enough to do. I literally have, at the most, 1 hour of work a day. I work in Higher Education as an administrative assistant in one of the offices. I try to read, color, organize, anything, but it still is not enough to keep me busy. I have expressed that I can handle more work, but the managers are too busy to find more work for me to do. I own a home and have a lot of animals, so I have to make sure, if I leave, that I have enough money to pay for all of my responsibilities. My problem is, I lack the courage to leave. I feel this is the top, if I go anywhere else, it will be “below” this job. I have never felt this way before. I do not know if it is the energy of working in Higher Ed or what, but I feel extremely stuck. I feel like if I leave, I will regret it. I have so much fear. But, I know deep in my heart that this boredom is causing me to feel anger and even hatred! I need to be busy, I need to move around. I am not the type of person that sits all day. I have a small farm at home which I love tended to. But, this, my means of making money, is destroying me. Please, any advice?

If your job is “destroying” you then consider leaving. The word “destroy” means to cause something to no longer exist. It is ill-advised to choose a job that, by your own admission, will destroy you.

If you choose to leave, do so responsibly. Research other jobs. Investigate other career paths. Try networking with people who are doing jobs that interest you. Having this knowledge might decrease your fear of leaving your current job.

Fear should not be the reason for your choosing to stay. Fear can be crippling. It should not be guiding your decision-making process. One should always use logic and reason to make decisions and never fear.

If you can’t leave your job because it is not feasible at this time, then you will have to find new creative ways to fill your time. Talk to your employer about increasing your workload. Maybe there are other departments that could use your help.

You have a decision to make. You can take action and make changes. You chose this job and you can choose another. “Choose” is the operative word. There are certainly other jobs you could do to earn a living, but right now you are choosing to stay.

I would also recommend counseling. Having an objective third-party provide support and expert guidance would significantly decrease your fear and assist you in moving forward. It will also expedite the process of finding work that better suits you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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