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Boyfriend Has Trust Issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 4th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My ex is 23 years old. Has some traumas from his disfunctional family. He says to be certain that all women are cheaters. So we have 6 months dating, fell in love very quick. Talking about wedding, moving in together… But he’s always been jealous and has trust issues. So, he saw a conversation in March where I said: “Since January I haven’t stop thinking about him. My ex kissed me 😮 I want to be with him, I’d die if I see him again with his girlfriend, Im single want to be with him”. This was me talking about an ex i never loved, but felt secure with. I broke up with this previous man because i didn’t love him or like him. All this happened in a time i lasted a month broken up with my boyfriend. Since January I thought I wanted to be with him. I realized I didnt let go of everything! And I’ve always been the best girlfriend to my ex. Even he always said it. (You’re the only person I’ve want to spend the rest of my life with).

He saw the conversation and flipped, threw me out of his house. I wrote him a letter and he said:”leave me alone,to be happy, you broke my heart! God forgives you because I wont. You’re just like the others. I can be there when you need me btu not as a woman, ever again.

I feel very bad because I lasted a month wanting to be with someone I never loved and I didn’t actually do anyhting. I didnt even like when my ex kissed me, because I even told him not to. Yesterday I called him because I bought a puppy and named him after him. He said it was ok and he saw a picture I sent him and wanted to buy the dog. I said no. HE said: well ok, take care of him, he’s really cute. It sounded like he was just fine without me. He is single in facebook and erased my pictures. I love this man like I’ve never loved anyone. What can I do?

I don’t think trauma is from his dysfunctional family has much to do with the current situation. You’ve hurt him badly. You may have gone back to your prior man for a time just to make sure you were making the right choice, but your boyfriend had already given his heart to you in spite of all his misgivings about relationships. He trusted you. You broke that trust. Of course he flipped. Once a trust like that is broken, it’s almost impossible to regain it. I suspect anything you say or do now is too little, too late. He’s moved on. I suggest you do the same. And before you let yourself get involved with someone to the point that you are talking marriage, please make sure you are really done with any prior relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Parents Don’t Like My Boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 25th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a recently divorced single mother who has moved in with my parents so I can go back to graduate school. I have recently started dating a man who I have fallen in love with. We have begun seriously discussing a future together, although I remain cautiously optimistic in part because I am really surprised I found someone I like so quickly.
My parents did not express their concerns over my ex-husband until after I began divorce proceedings. I asked them if they would please share their opinions in the future. They have now approached me saying that my new BF is “setting off alarm bells”. My dad feels he is way too controlling. I don’t agree with this statement entirely; my BF is a very dominant personality, as are my father and I. Being exhausted by my co-dependent ex and always being the dominant one I find the better balance with my new BF very refreshing. I wonder if this is a clash between my dominant father and the new BF? The only person in my life I have ever actually felt controlled by is my father.

My mother’s concerns appear to be more valid. She thinks that the BF is taking too active of a “parenting” role in my 4-year-old son’s life too soon. She also feels that he is competing with my son for my attention. She also felt unhappy about an incident where she felt my BF accused my son of lying: my son came into the room and said he couldn’t find his cars, she asked if he had looked on the table, he said yes and they weren’t there, my BF said “I bet they are on that table”.

I would like to know how seriously I should take my parent’s opinions given that it was solicited advice? Also does the fact that my son and I live with my parents and I do have some financial dependence on them factor in? My dad has suggested we slow down and has even begun to suggest sources for new boyfriends. My mom suggests slowing down as well, but just keeping my eyes open. I don’t have any desire to break-up, but should I slow down in regards to my BF and my son? If so, how should I approach it with my BF? Finally what is the best way to begin getting my parents to see the other great aspects of my BF now that my dad has made it clear that he doesn’t have much desire to interact with him?

Be careful what you ask for.

You invited your parents to be your eyes and ears to make sure you were not going to choose another unhealthy boyfriend. I hear alarm bells too. There is a saying in Buddhism, “when you pick up one end of a stick you pick up the other.” The fact that your ex-husband is codependent and that you have a more dominant boyfriend now is actually very predictable. The chances are you chose your first boyfriend because he was so unlike your father, so now the new BF seems like such a refreshing difference. I have written about how these choices are made in my Proof Positive column and you can learn more about this process here and here. Making a completely opposite choice usually leaves us in the same position.

It sounds to me like you need to individuate right now. You are in a very dependent situation, have asked your parents to give you feedback about your intimate choices, are reliant on them financially, and your boyfriend has used what is known as an active-destructive comment with your son. “I bet they are on that table,” after what your son said, would be almost the perfect description of a purposefully hurtful comment. Out of the many other more positive comments or interactions that are possible (e.g., “let me help you find them”), he picked the one designed to be punitive. To learn more about this, click here.

I would strongly recommend individual therapy. Your university should have low- or no-cost options available and the counselors are typically very well trained in working with graduate students in situations similar to yours.

You are obviously an ambitious, thoughtful person. You are sacrificing many other options to make the commitment to graduate school and furthering your career. Put that first. Investing in yourself, individuating, and gaining greater independence for yourself and your son need to get the lion’s share of your time and energy. I am joining the chorus of those near you saying go slow with the relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend May Be Schizophrenic

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 14th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I recently found out that my boyfriend may have schizophrenia. I realize I am not a doctor, and he has never been diagnosed that I am aware of, but based on what he has told me and some research I have done that is what I believe his illness to be. At first I just thought he had trust issues because he was cheated on years ago by the mother of his son…I also thought he was just uncomfortable in social situations. Our relationship has been a little rocky because he sometimes gets withdrawn. It is also a bit hard to read him because we live in different states, so I thought distance was a problem as well. We were recently going through one of a few “break-ups”…he starts to think he can’t trust me and that he hears mens voices in my apartment when we are on the phone. He has never been angry or violent, just hurt and confused. I dismissed the men’s voices because I had a really bad cell phone that had a lot of interference on the line and would always drop calls…I thought it was just a bad connection. I have been nothing but faithful to him. During this time when he said he was thinking about ending our relationship again, I felt helpless…I thought that if he didn’t trust me at this point, he may never trust me. I have done nothing but reassure him. I thought maybe ending the relationship was our only choice instead of going through this cycle over and over again. I figured one of two things would happen:1) it wasn’t meant to be (which I don’t believe at all) and I could start healing or 2) me ending the relationship would make him realize that he didn’t want to be without me (as he has said countless times) and maybe he would start to trust me. When we were on the phone about to discuss the possible ending of our relationship he started to tell me about his ex cheating on him. I just listened…this was the first time he had opened up about it. As I was listening he started to tell me that that is why he had issues with trusting me. He believes that people can hear his thoughts. He believes that someone put a device in him that allows this and that he is certain that I have known about it all along and I may even be an undercover agent. He said he doesn’t understand how I could love him because I can hear his thoughts and sometimes he has terrible thoughts about me (pertaining to the cheating) His exact words were “I don’t think I am crazy, but if I am then I am really crazy…but I don’t feel crazy” I realize the word “crazy” is not an acceptable term…I am just quoting him. So I don’t know if he realizes he is ill or not. I think there is a window of hope there based on that statement. Maybe he will be open to treatment. This all came as a complete shock to me. I didn’t react very well…actually I didn’t really react at all. We still discussed our break up…I could not process anything really…and all I could say is that I love him. For the first time he didn’t say it back. I told him that hurt me, and he said what’s the point now, people who love each other don’t break up. I could tell he was very hurt. We haven’t had a whole lot of contact in the past few days. I don’t even know it he wants me in his life anymore. I sent him an email telling him I love him and I am here for him when he is ready to talk. He sent me back an email saying that he had gotten my email and we will sort this through in time. I am hopeful because he hasn’t shut me out completely. I love him very much and we have talked about spending our lives together…marriage…children…the whole deal. I don’t know what my next step should be…I do know that I love this man and I will not turn my back on him. I want to help him and be by his side 100%. I am worried he will not want to get help and I am not sure of how to approach it. He said this has been going on for many years…so he has managed to live with it for some time. He hasn’t worked in over a year, and he also has a son that lives with him. That is another reason I don’t believe he or anyone close to him really knows about his illness. I believe his son’s mother would not allow the son to live with him if she was aware. He did mention he told his mother…but I don’t know what came of that. If anyone has any support or suggestions for me, I would appreciate it. I have been trying to educate myself as much as possible. And any advice on how to talk to him about it would also help. I have a planned trip to see him next week…I still plan on going. I will only be there for two days, so time is an issue. Not that I have to figure everything out then…but I would like to make the most of the little time we have together. Thanks for reading!

The symptoms that you have described may be a sign of schizophrenia or a related psychotic disorder. His symptoms may also indicate illicit drug or alcohol use. A third possibility is that his symptoms are indicative of an untreated medical condition. All three possibilities need to be considered and explored.

You believe that he may be willing to go to treatment. That is very encouraging. Individuals who are willing to seek treatment have a more favorable prognosis than individuals who are unwilling to seek treatment.

On your next visit, encourage him to seek help. If possible, offer to attend some appointments with him. The idea is to make him aware of the fact that you’re willing to support him in any way that he needs. He is more likely to seek help if he feels that he has your support.

If he is resistant, remind him that he is loved. You and his son care and rely on him to be well. Inform him that ignoring the problem not only affects him but also you and his son. Reminding him that others rely and care about him may motivate him to receive treatment, even if he is reluctant to do so.

Generally speaking, be loving and supportive but also adamant about the need for help. In the case of psychosis, the importance of early treatment cannot be overstated. The “find help” tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a mental health professional in the community. If you have additional questions, please do not hesitate to write again. Take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Boyfriend cannot reach an erection with me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 6th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now. During the first 8 months of our relationship we had sex almost everyday, our relationship was amazing. Then in the end of September I found out that he cheated on me, I was devastated so we broke up. Two months later we got back together and I noticed that our sex life fizzled. We still had sex but not nearly as much. While we were broken up he had sexual relations with other girls and I wonder if those other girls made him less sexually attracted to me? Well, zoom past a year later in November in 2010, he broke up with me for reasons that I’m still not sure about, he basically gave me the, “its not you, its me” speech. Towards the end of December, we started back talking and I thought that we were going to get back in a relationship but then he explained to me that he met another girl that he liked and who he thought was more attractive than I am and went on to explain that he didn’t I pretty That crushed my self-esteem because all of that time I thought we had relationship problems because of my actions but never my looks. After that I hated looking at the mirror at myself because I thought/think that I’m ugly and the only time that I did look in the mirror was to scrutinize my flaws and point out exactly what made me not pretty. A month later, my boyfriend came back and said that he made a mistake and that he didn’t think that I was ugly and that he loved me and wanted to be back with me. So, since then we’ve pretty much been in an open relationship, we’ve been back together for about 6 months and they have been amazing but he never ever wants to have sex with me and when we try he isn’t able to reach an erection. He explains that it isn’t because he doesn’t find me sexually attractive and that he doesn’t know what the problem is. Since we are in an open relationship, he isn’t able to have sex with me but he is able to with other girls. I still feel like he doesn’t think that I am pretty or find me sexually attractive but we have got into plenty of arguments where he argues that he thinks that I am. I don’t know what to do because I want our relationship to work but I don’t think that it will be able to if he can’t have sex with me. We’ve only had sex one time since we’ve gotten back together and I don’t want to have sex with other guys. I want a normal relationship. Do you think that the reason he cannot get or keep an erection with me is physical or psychological and what can we do to overcome this barrier? I am in love with him and he is my best friend. I don’t want this to be the cause of the end of our relationship.

Thank you for writing to us. The easiest way I can convey what I am about to say is that it is time to move on.

Open relationships do not work. It is as simple as that. They have limited value as a transitional stance, but ultimately the very human factors of security, intimacy, and self-esteem eclipse the transitional stance. If they work at all it is because they prevent deeper intimacy, not promote it. For those who want to keep intimacy at bay an open relationship will do the trick.

That having been said, your relationship does not sound truly open. You have not mentioned your side of the equation. If he is having sex with other women, are you having sex with other men? If not, why not? If it is because you are hoping to be faithful and that he will eventually curtail his other relationships, history would dictate you are wasting your time.

He doesn’t sound like relationship material. If intimacy is what you are looking for, find a person who is willing to be connected to you in a way that mirrors how you are connected to him. If you haven’t tried some individual counseling, you can use our find help tab at the top of the page to find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend refuses counseling and says it’s really me who needs to go

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 27th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my current boyfriend for 6 yrs. I have one son from a previous marriage and he has two sons also and I am currently pregnant. Our relationship has been extremely difficult over the years and now I feel like I am at an impasse and have told him that unless he seeks counseling I am going to have to leave him, which he refuses to do saying that I am really the problem with everything and its really myself who needs counseling.

He has been in court ordered therapy a number of times getting a variety of diagnoses from bipolar to uncategorized psychotic i have had a restraining order on him previously do to his inability to control himself to the point he has become physically abusive, at which point a requested the prosecutor out him in mental health court so he could have a chance to get some help. Through this he says that he was told that he is fine and has no problems, and while he hasn’t been physically violent he remains controlling and inconsistent with his behavior and emotions.

He will follow me in his car and bring his kids into the college I attend to see if I’m sitting by other males. Sometimes everything can be great, but as soon as I start to be happy or think about a future with him he will accuse me of lying or bring up some situation from years ago and demand a detailed recollection. Aside from this when he has his kids he will yell and swear at them and at me or his mother while they are around and not put them to bed until 1 in the morning or later, at times driving them out to my house in the middle of the night if we are arguing.

I’ve told him the past couple months that for our relationship to go anywhere he needs counseling and medication because until he can control himself I feel as though I’m in a perpetual state of chaos never knowing how to feel or whether its a good idea to be around him. He will argue to the point of exhausting me and then demand to confront me in person to ague more, not letting me sleep or be alone.

Then he often acts as though nothing has ever happened and gets angry when I try to explain his behavior effects people and hurts them. I know things won’t change because I’ve been waiting 6 years, and I feel if I were to advance the relationship and move in with him or marry him (which is what he thinks will make everything better) I will be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I know when he’s gone to therapy in the past he lies or minimalizes the things he’s done, and often blames me. I know he is capable of being a very kind good person and father because I’ve seen him do it, but it’s always short lived and can change as fast as flipping a switch.

I want to be able to have a family with him and a life but it seems almost impossible given the circumstances. I’m not sure anymore what to say to him or how to get him to see that we could all have a better life if he acknowledged his behavior and tried to change it, and I don’t know if I can. Trying to leave him is painful and long and I usually have to call the police at some point to keep him away from me and I just want to know if there is anything else I can do before I have to go down that road again.

What you are describing is domestic violence. There is little likelihood that your boyfriend will change. Arguing with him to get into counseling is pointless. If he doesn’t see the need himself, he won’t get anything out of treatment.

The person you can do something about is you. Get yourself into some therapy right away. You deserve to have the support and advice of someone who can help you keep a grip on the reality of the situation. You are not safe. It would be a huge mistake to marry this man. A therapist will help you figure out how to take care of yourself and provide for your children.

The Women’s Resource Center in your city is a good place for you to start to get good help. Call the hotline at 800-554-4972. One-on-one support is available free of charge. Group counseling would provide you with the opportunity to talk with other women like yourself who are struggling to separate from someone they love who doesn’t know how to love them and their children.

You made a very important first step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. Please take the next step and contact the Center. If you can’t do it for yourself at first, do it for your kids. None of you deserve to be treated this way. All of you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend Hears Voices: What Can I Do?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 29th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I am concerned my partner may have some form of schizophrenia. We have been together almost 6 months and he has always had a drinking issue where he will occasionally drink in excess and then be incredibly aggressive but not remember anything the next day, I always put this down to his age as he is only 20. The other night we went to the football and we were watching a game.. he hadn’t been drinking, I made a comment about the play and my boyfriend said shut up that’s not right. He wouldn’t normally talk to me like this and I was a little taken a back. When we got home that night we were laying down and he told me that he always hears voices in his head and it’s constant so that if we are having a conversation he is there but not really because he has this voice constantly talking away. It explained why he always appears to be not listening. He went on to explain that at the game when he yelled at me he was actually yelling at the voice in his head as he always premeditates what will happen in every situation. He said it’s to the point where he is in constant de jevu and he doesn’t know whether he has already experienced what has happened or whether he actually leaves his mind and then comes back into the situation. He explained he drinks to numb the voices, he has been diagnosed with anxiety and takes medication efexor-xr. He said his anxiety is better but the voices haven’t stopped, he has been taking the tablets for a year. I know his behavior isn’t normal but I am not sure what I should be doing or how I can help, now that he has told me I can completely see he checks out of our conversations often. And more recently he will say things which don’t really work into what we are talking about when I ask what he said he’ll say nothing and I don’t know if he actually believes he hasn’t said anything or not? I can see he doesn’t seem happy and constantly on edge. Do you think this is schizophrenic or some other form of mental illness? He has seen a psychiatrist in the past who diagnosed the anxiety but it’s apparent that it’s not just anxiety he suffers from, can you please help. Thank you.

I cannot offer a diagnosis over the Internet but I can provide some insight. Hearing voices is not a symptom of an anxiety disorder. Hearing voices is a sign of possible psychosis. Psychosis is a break from reality. It is a symptom of several mental health disorders, including: schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder and several others.

Drinking to suppress the voices is known as self-medicating. It is a relatively common, though ineffective and dangerous, response to trying to repress symptoms of psychosis. Drinking likely exacerbates the problem. Not only does drinking make the problem worse, it may be contributing to his anger outbursts. Your boyfriend should receive help for his problem.

Encourage him to be reevaluated by a psychiatrist. I also would suggest that you go to the evaluation with him, if he allows. That way you can directly report his symptoms to the psychiatrist. There are medications that can decrease the voices or eliminate them entirely. They are called antipsychotics. Antipsychotic medications are designed specifically to treat the symptoms that he is experiencing. Please encourage him to be evaluated by a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

A word of caution: most individuals who experience psychosis are not violent but the research shows that they can be when under the influence of alcohol or drugs. He has been verbally abusive while intoxicated. In addition, he has no recollection of the event. This is indicative of a loss of control. The mix of alcohol and psychotic symptoms are likely contributing to or causing this loss of control. Don’t hesitate to call the police or the mental health crisis team if you feel threatened.

I hope this answer helps guide you in the right direction. If you have any additional questions, don’t hesitate to write again. Please consider writing back and letting me know how you and your boyfriend are doing. Please take care. I wish you the best.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Boyfriend can’t sustain an erection since I was raped

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 16th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend for ten months,during this time, about seven months into the relationship, i had my drink spiked and was sexually assaulted.
It has been three months since, and i have been dealing with it better than him. The first few weeks i was a mess, but after going to the GUM clinic and being offered advice and counselling i felt much better and had a better understanding. The only issue i am facing at the moment, personally, is feeling incredibly anxious when i go out in the evening with my friends. I find it difficult to breathe, but i know this is because i associate nightclubs and drinking with what happened.

My main concern is my relationship with my boyfriend. Since this happened he has felt sick to his stomach and it has put a great strain on our relationship. Firstly, he blames himself as he was meant to be going out that night, and secondly when we become intimate he often remembers what happened , feels sick, and loses his erection. When this happends he feels even more down, and doesnt want to try again. We have spent three months trying to ignore the issue, and it wasnt until a few days ago that he told me it was too much and he couldnt carry on.

I wish to save our relationship as it means so much to us both, but i dont know how to help him at all. I love him dearly, and want him to not feel sick when we are becoming intimate. He can sustain an erection for a period of time until he thinks about the incident. I hope you can help and thank you for your time.

I’m so sorry that you have been through such an ordeal. You were wise to go for some counseling right away. It sounds like you are well on your way to putting the assualt behind you and getting on with your life. Yours is a healthy, mature response.

Your boyfriend’s reaction, though embarrassing for him and frustrating for both of you isn’t that unusual. He blames himself for not being there to protect you and may not feel deserving of intimacy. He may be afraid he will remind you of what happened and hurt you. He might find it difficult to be sexual with you, knowing that someone else was – even though there was certainly no intimacy or love involved in the assault. Whatever the reason, he hasn’t been able to come to terms with it and you baven’t been able to help him. Ignoring the issue hasn’t worked either.

Since the relationship means a lot to both of you, I encourage you to get some additional counseling, this time as a couple. As you have both discovered, an assault may be on one person but it also affects the people they love. A therapist will help the two of you learn new ways to provide each other with support and care so you can get through this together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Deal With Abusive Boyfriend By Cutting And Binging

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW August 10th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hi, I am 19 year old girl in my 2nd year of college. I currently live with my boyfriend of 4 years who is 25 years old. Our relationship used to be really good, but now all we do is argue. A few years ago I was flirting with other guys and he has never forgiven me for it. He constantly tells me he doesn’t trust me, and when he gets mad he tells me he hates me, that I should crawl in a hole in die, that he can’t stand to look at me, and many profanities. He spends no time with me so I spend the majority of time home all alone, which is the main issue because that gives me all the time alone I need to self-destruct.

I can’t stand myself, I hate everything about me. I’m fat and ugly, sometimes I don’t even know why I bother trying to make it through life nothing ever goes as planned. I feel like I am constantly starving myself or if not eating ridiculous amounts of food and then feeling guilty so that I either make myself puke or cut myself. I can’t control it, I feel like if I can make myself attractive my boyfriend will love me again but I can’t even take care of myself. The worst was when he caught me binging and freaked out along the lines of “No wonder I’m always starving, you eat all the food. For once I wish you would save some for me instead of stuffing your face all the time.” And despite hearing that I still continue to stuff my face… I can’t help myself… maybe I deserve to be fat. I can’t even decide what is worse, the purging or the self-harm. Both cause me discomfort and to feel like a failure, but in the end neither make me prettier…they just make me uglier. This also causes me to spend way too much money on food…I am $20,000 in debt with my bank because of all the money I waste on food. I eat too much so now I cant even barely afford anything…which my boyfriend also blames me for…rightfully, it is my fault.

I just don’t know what to do. I have thought about trying to see a therapist regularly but I’m too embarrassed. I don’t want to make known just how disgusting I am. I don’t want anyone to know how much I eat. I don’t want anyone to know how my boyfriend treats me. I just want to be a normal person… I want to be happy, and loved…what do I have to do to be okay?? 🙁

Even though you’re embarrassed, please go see a therapist ASAP. Licensed therapists are trained to help individuals and couples in crisis resolve your problems and help you, not to judge you. Just by reading this letter I can sense the depth of your pain, I have empathy for you,  and I want to help you. This is how your therapist will feel too when you meet with him or her face to face. If you’re not sure where to find a therapist in your area click the Find Help tab at the top of this page for a listing. There are likely earlier roots to your self-destructive eating patterns, cutting, and dysfunctional relationship that can be explored and healed in therapy and are beyond the scope of what I can offer here.

What you’re describing in relationship with your boyfriend is verbal and emotional abuse. No one deserves to be told by their lover “I hate you” or “You should just crawl in a hole and die.”  That is heartbreaking to hear and needs to stop if you are ever going to gain self-esteem and confidence to change your life. Your therapist can help you to build  relationships skills and to help you come up with a plan to stand up for yourself when your boyfriend becomes verbally abusive.

In addition to meeting with a therapist regularly, I suggest you start seeking out books, blogs, and other resources and start arming yourself with more knowledge and tools to help you feel stronger and more competent. Here are some excellent resources right here at Psych Central to help you get started:

Weightless Blog
Eating Disorder & Binge Eating Info
Self-injury Forum
Relationship & Communication Forum
Eating Disorder Community Forum

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Boyfriend caught me flirting and attacked me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend of three years and I have had a rocky relationship. We enjoyed the usual bliss when we first got together, however after talk of serious commitment came up and we moved out together last year, I saw an ugly side of him rear up! He mentally and physically abused me, and I felt trap with him because of our lease and my continued feelings of conflicted affection and love for him. Finally, after he told me that he wanted to break up last October, despite still living together, I began to mentally distance myself from him to avoid being hurt furthermore.

However, he has since made amends and has requested to be invited into my life again. I see the man I initially fell in love with, and I know he’s trying very hard to make up for all the cruel things he did to me. But I’m still unable to completely connect with him, which feels very out of character for me because I was always the one in the past 100 percent committed to our relationship. Now I feel very indecisive about my relationship with him and it’s eating away at me.

I’ve been going out with friends more often and excluding him from my social outings. In fact, I feel very awkward and cannot relax if he’s involved. Others also notice that I get tense and that he himself is socially awkward in general. So, last weekend I went to a house party hosted by close friends- and ‘he’ was unexpectedly there. There is another guy/ friend I’ve been spending time with a lot lately, and he and I get along very well. We share a lot of common interests and each evening I’m out with him my cheeks burn from genuinely smiling and laughing all night! I knew better not to lead him on because I really care for this man, and I don’t want to harm him with my complicated life- but against my better judgment I’ve betrayed that I am very okay with him flirting with me. In fact, I know he’s in love with me…

Sunday afternoon my boyfriend happened across a flirty text message on my phone from this guy that was incriminating (however not unforgivable as nothing physical has happened). But my boyfriend flipped out and I saw his ugly side appear again. He took my phone forcefully and took the internet modem and tried to trap me/ keep me from communicating with the outside world. He even tried to prevent me from dressing so I could not leave. My car was at my parents place so I was without a vehicle to escape. I felt very vulnerable. I tried to explain what happened but my boyfriend was in such a rage that I was afraid he would hurt me again, so I ran out in the rain to a nearby restaurant that my friend’s husband works at. Luckily he was working an afternoon shift and he gave me his car keys so I could seek refuge.

I’d never wanted to involve my friends or family in my relationship problems, mainly because I am embarrassed about how I’ve let my boyfriend intimidate me in the past. And I had always felt like I was able to handle it on my own, however I’m realizing now that I need help. But also, I don’t want them to worry. And of course they do worry about me, they care about me and it now seems that I’m suddenly hearing unanimous negative opinions about him from them. My brother in particular does not want me to forgive my boyfriend at all. I know they will support me no matter what I decide, but this adds a lot of pressure to repairing the relationship.

My boyfriend has apologized for being out of line on Sunday. He even took the time to send an apology to my friend who had sent me the flirtatious text message (because my boyfriend had sent him a handful of name-calling texts while in the possession of my phone… invading my privacy). Since returning home last night, my boyfriend seems even more so eager now to please me and treat me right. I don’t know how long this will last though, until the next episode- however I do feel responsible for provoking the fight by being disloyal. But in any case, he has never handled stress well and I am not so confident that he will ever be able to… am I a bad person for losing faith in him?
A part of me really cares for my boyfriend, I truly love him, but I think I recognize that this is the same part of me that gets taken advantage of or hurt if I let him back into my heart. The other part of me wants to just wash my hands clean of him and move on. But I am so afraid I may regret leaving him, if perhaps one day we had the potential of being happy together again.? He was my best friend at one time, and I really miss that.

This May our lease will be up and I’ve made it clear to my boyfriend that if I don’t see a future for us by then, we should go separate ways.

I hesitate to offer direct advice in this column because there is often so much I don’t know (and can’t know) when my only source of information is a letter. But in this case, I’ll venture the opinion that you should get out. What you are talking about is domestic violence. Your instincts to not reconnect are correct. Yes, I know there are sweet sides to him. I kow there are times when he is a loving and supportive partner. But you can’t relax into this relationship. You are always walking on eggshells, braced for the next temper tantrum. No, you are not a bad person for not having faith in him. You are sensible.

You may find it harder than you think it will be to separate from this relationship. Here’s the website for a domestic violence program in your city. The hotline is 800-640-0333. Please give them a call to see what they can offer in the way of support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Boyfriend is a Complete and Utter Jerk

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 25th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So my boyfriend and me have been dating for more than 3 years now and we haven’t been truly & deeply happy for about 2 years of it now. After the 2nd year, we started to break up then make up and repeat over and over and over again. We would fight almost everyday and he would always lie to me and never gave me the love and support that I really needed. It even got to the point where I would have to ask him to show me that he loves me and appreciates me and all the stuff that a boyfriend should already do for his girlfriend. Let me start from where I come from and who I am.

I am an Indian girl who has Indian traditional values and parents. Of course my parents did not want me dating at the age of 15 (meaning we started going out during high school) so we had to keep it a secret and we did and he was so understanding of it so much for about a year and after that he just got so difficult. I went to beatings from my dad for him and he still didn’t understand what I was going through and at the same time him and me started dating my sister was diagnosed with cancer.

I had such a hard time all my life and I would always choose him over my sister because he would always want to talk to me and stuff. I will regret that all my life and when I do bring that up when he says I have done nothing for him and all he says is that he didn’t ask me to not spend time with her. He says whatever he wants to me, calling me names, being just absolutely rude to me, not listening to anything I have to say. I still stayed with him through all of it, just hoping that maybe he would change and be better. Then the beginning of my last year in high school my sister passed away and it was the hardest thing for me, I missed school for about a month and was always busy tending to my family and parents. I am the oldest so everyone would always count on me being the strong one, and I did it well, with no help from him … 4 days after my sister passed away he started fighting with me about how we couldn’t see each other and I was always too busy and stuff. It was that time that I was scared for life by him.

He never gives me the support I need, I left for college and I am a few hours away from home while he stayed home. He wants me to text him every second and talk to him all the time and he doesn’t support the fact that I am trying to make a future for myself. I have no help from anyone and if I can’t get support from my boyfriend especially one of 3 years then whom can I get it from? We still fought every single day when I was at school, it got so bad that I would just be depressed and wouldn’t go to classes or get out of bed, I even missed a final because of how out of it I was. And he doesn’t care about any of that. I know it’s my fault for letting it get to me so bad, but after 3 years of having to be so strong, I am just tired.

Then one night when we were fighting he cussed at me and I was done. I broke up with him and we didn’t talk for like a week. Then he contacted me and I replied back and stuff and we started talking and he asked me to hang out and I did. But I told him I was going to date and I would date him too but not exclusively. I think that may have opened his eyes a little but not so much. Then about 2 weeks after I left on a month long vacation overseas where the only contact we had was through email. Then one day he emailed me something just so unnecessary while I was on vacation so I called him and at the end I told him I didn’t want any contact from him for the rest of my trip and that I would call him when I got back home. That I did, then after I got back and got settled and everything, he was trying to be all different, because I told him I’m not getting back together with him until I see that he changes and is a better person and stuff, but he was so sure that he had changed and those couple weeks of not talking just made him realize what he would do to me and stuff. I wasn’t believing it at first but after 2 weeks I got a good gut feeling and went with it and got back with him … and here we are 2 weeks after getting back together and he is still the same as before. He even just the other day told me that getting with me was a mistake that he regrets and when I told him that hurt he was saying that he didn’t mean it the way I took it, is there really any other way to take that? He tells to just shut my mouth and everything between us will be better, he doesn’t want me to bring up all the stuff he has done to me in the past because he wants to “move forward” so I should too, but he brings it up whenever he wants.

What do I do? He just doesn’t know how to make me happy anymore but I can’t find it in me to just leave him. I really do love him and I always will. But I can’t take getting hurt anymore. Please help!

I wish there was an easier way for me to say this to you. I know you are sincere when you say that you love him. But you are in love with the wrong person.

We are drawn to what is familiar, not what is better. Your grew up in an abusive home and have found an abusive boyfriend. His abuse is emotional rather than physical, but your psyche is simply choosing a modification of the abuse; he isn’t a genuine correction. There is no evidence that he is either willing or ready to change. Don’t expect what isn’t a reality. Think about it. The best he can do is tell you to forget about his transgressions. There was never any mention of the steps he was going to take to change himself.

I would strongly encourage individual therapy (check the find help tab at the top) to unravel some of the pain caused by him and in your family. You will need this support as you find a way to break away from your boyfriend.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Longtime Boyfriend Constantly Lies

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 29th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and lived together three of those years. Six months into the relationship I found him parked in his workplace parking lot with a woman at 3am. That night he had gone to a friend of ours house and I stayed home because I didnt feel well and when I woke up at 2am and he still wasnt home and wouldnt answer his phone i became worried. Now 3 and 1/2 years later i do not believe that he was cheating on me with that woman but he was sincerely just dropping her off but that night was the turning point in our relationship.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the prior incident but then another six months later he started distancing himself from me. He wouldnt come home after work, didnt wanna do anything, and his cell phone glued to his hip at all times. Of course I was suspicious and he knew it but denied anything was wrong. But then the night of my birthday he stayed gone all night and didnt come back home till 4am when i asked him what happened he said he had fallen asleep at a friends house. I knew he was lying but didn’t have any prove… yet. The very next night once again I caught him with another woman at his workplace. Needless to say he moved out my house that night. I was devasted, lost 30lbs in a month and went into deep depression. But then he came back three months later said he had made a mistake but did not cheat on me just thought the grass was greener on the other side.

So after him proving to me that he was going to do anything it took to earn my trust back and make things right he moved back in. The next two years went by with no major problems but I drove myself crazy wondering if he was going to leave me again, checking his phone, making sure he was where he said he was. I became obsessed about trying to catch him in a lie again. Eventually I found on his phone where he had been back in contact with the last woman he left me for and i sat him down and confronted him about it and he said they were going to still be friends and I just had to get over it. That was not acceptable for me! I was the one he “loved” and he should be doing whatever it took to make me feel secure in our relationship (so I think).

So when he wouldnt agree to cut off the friendship with her I left my house and went and stayed with my sister for a week and told him I was giving him time to get his stuff out. Well that week went by and he still hadnt moved anything so I went back and started packing his stuff for him. So he moved to his Grandma’s house. Two months later I moved out that house also and in with my sister. We were still seeing each other but not seriously when I turned up pregnant by him. I wanted to have that baby but he kept saying “we cant afford a child right now”, “we’re not even together”, “but it’s your decision” his actions led me to believe that he did not want our child. So I did what i had to do and the following week I find out his is dating a woman that has a two year old little girl!! Once again I was abandoned.

Even though he was with someone else he was constantly texting me and telling me he missed me and loved me and wished things were different. Now in the past 8 months he has been going back and forth between me and this other woman that has the daughter. He says he cares about her but she’s not going anywhere in her life and he loves the little girl. He says he knows he isn’t going to be spending the rest of his life with her because he can’t live without me and will always love me no matter what.

He is now back with me but we are not living together and just lastnight he wouldnt answer his phone and when i went by his house at 10:45pm he wasn’t home but when he finally did talk to me he said he had been home since 8:30pm and had fallen asleep.

Everyone tells me to just move on but it’s not that simple. I love this man with every bit of my heart and can not give up on our love even if it does drive me crazy with trust issues. I know he has it in him to treat me right I just need to know how to talk to him. Our communication skills are awful and when we have problems he tends to want to take the easy way out and avoid the situation until a few days have gone by and everything is blown over. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone but that’s what makes it even more confusing to me. How do I let him know what i need from him without causing an argument and make him understand how he has destroyed my self confidence and trust for him and how can he get it back? How do I get him to understand that if he wants us to work then he has to invest more time and effort in it because I’m scared that when I finally do move on then he’s going to be the man that I know he can be. Please help me get my sanity back and a little understanding of the way he seems to be thinking. Thanks for listening and helping.

I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think either of you is ready for a committed relationship. You may have started this relationship four years ago but you were only in your teens. You two are still acting out high school drama. What you are calling love looks too much like dependency to me. What he is calling love looks like it only lasts until there is another opportunity. Regardless of what he says, his actions tell you he’s not going to be the kind of guy you want.

I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. I do suggest you find a therapist to help you develop more self-esteem and more confidence so you can find someone to love who will really love you back. You deserve much better than your so-called boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Recent and Past Problems with Friends, Boyfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 17th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been going through a lot lately. My mom won’t talk to me because I celebrated Christmas for the first time. Also about 3 weeks ago I had a close friend over for a few drinks and I didn’t want her driving home so I asked her to spend the night. Then in the middle of the night, I went to the living room to see if my boyfriend wanted to come back to bed since he couldn’t sleep earlier. When I got there I saw my friend kneeling beside my boyfriend with her arms around him and her head on his chest. His arms were also around her and he was sleeping. So I asked what is going on and when my boyfriend saw me standing there he thought this doesn’t look good at all. I ran to our bedroom crying and slammed the door. About a few minutes later he came in the room and said nothing happened. I went to work the next morning and my so-called friend was texting me apologizing and I said if it happens again there will be severe consequences. I hated her so much for such a long time and now I don’t trust her at all.

It made me have flash backs when I was a teenager seeing my mom seek the comfort of another man and that lead her to have an affair with that man. My bf at first was comforting and understanding but then after he stopped being that way and took my so-called friends side. He denies it but I kept accusing him. It got so bad my depression that he almost asked me to leave because I told him you might of well have slept with her. Recently we went away for the weekend and he brought up the issue. It really upset me because I didnt want to think about it. He told me that he misses how it was before between my so-called friend and I. I told him that it won’t ever go back to the way it was because of what you and her did to me. The damage is done and can’t be repaired. He also said he was going to continue to be her friend and I said ya but she can’t come over anymore. My bf also comments on how great other women look and it makes me feel like I’m ugly. Like today I showed him a bikini and he asked me if it comes with the body. That made me feel like crap. I don’t like him touching me anymore. I’ve also have thoughts everyday about sitting on the kitchen floor with a chefs knife and slowly cutting away at my wrists. Then having him finding me on the bloody floor. I need help about what to do. I’ve tried talking to my bf about how I’m feeling but he just gets mad at me. Please HELP.

This is a complex situation. Your boyfriend seems to have an affinity for your friend and you can’t let go of their betrayal of you. You said in your letter that “the damage is done and it can’t be repaired.” This problem may be repairable but it will require a serious commitment to healing the relationship on the part of both you and your boyfriend. It may also necessitate couples counseling.

You are having thoughts of suicide but seemingly not because you want to end your life. Rather, the purpose would be to punish those who hurt you. Thus the motivation is punishment of the other, not to harm yourself. In essence, you want others to experience the pain and suffering you have endured. Your hurt feelings are understandable but your approach to dealing with them is not healthy. There are other ways to communicate your hurt feelings that do not involve harming yourself.

You say that your boyfriend makes you feel a particular way. Please keep in mind that no one can make you feel anything. Feelings emanate from within you. Your boyfriend may say hurtful and inappropriate things but the feelings generated as a result are yours. The fact that you feel inadequate because of his comments may indicate low self-esteem. Individual counseling could help develop healthy self-esteem.

Your boyfriend betrayed you. Now he cannot understand why you’re having difficulty coming to terms with what he has done. You essentially caught him cheating and he wants to remain in contact with the friend he cheated with. He cannot expect you to simply “get over it.” He has hurt you and if he wants the relationship to continue, then he needs to demonstrate, with actions, not words, that he is worthy of your forgiveness. Thus far there’s little to no evidence of him fully appreciating the pain that he has caused you. If this does not change, the relationship may not be salvageable.

As I mentioned above, you may want to consult a couples therapist. It would be the most efficient way to handle this problem. If your boyfriend is unwilling to attend couples counseling, then you should consider going alone, to an individual therapist. The individual therapist could provide you with the advice and guidance necessary to navigate this complex relationship.

If you feel suicidal, then go to an emergency room or call 911 immediately. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Boyfriend has Overinvolved Mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been dating this guy for 10 months and to be honest although it has been rocky(he was drunk and cheated on me once in the summer, one night he was too drunk and ended up sleepwalking in my apartment and saying things that were very hurtful), normally he is one of the nicest people I have ever known. He has also had down periods where he wasn’t sure he liked his job and was a little depressed. Through it all I forgave him and tried to help him through all of it.

Since October things have gotten really complicated. His sister moved out of his parents house(where he also still lives he is 23, I am 27), since this time his mother has set all of her focus on him. When he is not at home she is always calling to see where he is. Saying she wants to hold him in her arms. I stayed with them at christmas(because I am living in germany and couldn’t go home this year) and she was coming into his room tucking him into bed. He has no responsibilities at home(laundry, cooking, etc.) She does everything for him.

About a month ago, she had an hour long talk with me while he was still working. Telling me that I should think if I really want to stay in Germany and what I want for the future, because she doesn’t want me to hurt her son. Since this time she has talked to him everyday about leaving me because ‘what if we got married had kids and I ran off to america with them’, or that what will he do when I just up and leave without saying anything to him.

I have noticed a strain on our relationship and everytime I wanted to talk to him about it he ignored it and didn’t want to talk. Until last Sunday. He was talking to me and said that he has been thinking a lot about ending things with me because he is not sure he is the right guy for me and he doesn’t know if he still loves me(and all the stuff his mother told me in our conversation). So he was ending things to me.

Well two days later he comes over with a list of things that have been bothering him(same things he said on Sunday) except this time that his family didn’t think I was good enough for him. I told him it was all pretty crystal clear and we should end things and he went on to say how he wants to fight for our relationship and love. As much as I love him, I am scared to death to stay with him. I mean if he already thinks he’s not the one after 10 months then it is pretty much over isn’t it? I also have no chance against his family and to be honest I can’t see myself going over to his house anymore because I will feel very uncomfortable. I love him and our time was great together, but I don’t know if it is wise to give it another chance.

The last 10 months have been a rollercoaster and I have forgiven him for things a lot of other people wouldn’t be able to. Just because his mother is scared of him moving in with me and leaving her I am getting the short end of the stick. Is it worth all this pain?

Probably not. You do understand that the problem is not your boyfriend’s mother. Yes, she is overinvolved with him. But she could not do things like tuck him in at night and do his laundry if he didn’t let her. At 23, it’s not that unusual for a young person to be struggling to establish new boundaries with his or her parents. But you are well out of that stage. He’s still in the thick of it. You are living independently, far from home, navigating a different culture. He is still in his parents’ home, living like a teenager.

My vote is that you take a huge step back. Get to know people your own age who are establishing themselves in their careers and in their adult lives (and doing their own laundry). However much fun your guy may be at times, he can’t give you the mature love you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Boyfriend has No Sexual Desire: Is this Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 1st, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and before we got together, he warned me that before we had intercourse, not to be ‘alarmed’ if he didnt come as he said it usually takes him several hours to do so. I then credited myself thereafter as everytime we had intercourse he orgasmed.
Recently things have actually stopped. I have a very high sex drive and it has got to the point that he can not be bothered to have sex as it “takes too long”. Ive asked him to masturbate more often so that he can feel comfortable doing it himself, and he has no interest at all due to it taking so long, and putting him off.

I have tried EVERYTHING to get him stimulated, sexy underwear, toys, etc, but still nothing seems to get him going. He said that its not me, and that hes always been like this but It wasnt like this before. only recently. I feel so unattractive and am scared that he isnt interested in me although he reassures me that he loves me more now than ever. so why is it so hard to have sex with me?! It doesnt help that i have such a high sex drive, and is causing a lot of arguments between us. If it wasnt for this, our relationship would be perfect.
please help!

The level of sex drive varies from guy to guy. On one end of the spectrum are guys who never seem to be satisfied. On the other end are guys like yours who have little to no sex drive. It is estimated that as many as 20% of males are on the lower end. You’re not alone in this. And it most probably has nothing to do with you! The reason he was able to perform in the early stages of your relationship is that the romance was new and nature was responding. That’s not unusual either.

What is unusual in this case is your boyfriend’s acceptance of the situation. Before he resigns himself to little sex in his life, he might want to talk with his doctor. Medical causes of low libido include: low testosterone levels, high prolactin levels, pre-diabetes, hypertension, or chronic fatigue – to name only a few. If he is medically healthy, there might be a psychological problem like depression, inadequate skills for managing stress, or reaction to a past traumatic experience.

Needless to say, you can’t argue someone out of a medical or psychological problem. Instead, express your love and concern and see if he is responsive to finding out just why he isn’t able to enjoy this part of life with you. Explain that there may be good reasons why he is unresponsive sexually and that it’s important to you to make sure he is medically and emotionally healthy. Once you have that information, the two of you will be better able to decide what to do. It may be treatable. It may not be.

if there is a condition that makes it unlikely he’ll want sex more often, can he take pleasure in pleasuring you? Can you accept that it’s really okay for sex to be one sided most of the time. If your relationship is perfect outside of this one area, do think it through carefully.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend Has Depression and I Feel Helpless

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 22nd, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So much has happened in the last month I am not quite sure where to start, but here it is.
Over the Christmas period my boyfriend was slightly distant, we live together but for Christmas day he went to his parents and I went to mine. He then came to my parents on Boxing day and although we all had a lovely day I noticed he was distant. Things seemed ok after that, however before Christmas he complained of an upset stomach and had not eaten much at all the week before Christmas. We put it down to a stomach bug as there seemed to be a lot going round but he was reluctant to go to the doctor. This ‘stomach bug’, however, then continued after Christmas.

We had decided that we were not going to go out for New Year’s and spent the evening at my parents house, but again, he seemed distant. The following day, he was very quiet and he snapped at me.

We both met whilst we were travelling around Australia and had been saving to go back again, however when I brought it up on New Years Day he said he didnt know whether he wanted to go travelling anymore, which was very unlike him as he had been so keen to go. He then went and sat in the living room on his own and I decided that I would let him ‘cool off’ so I went for a walk. He then sent me a text saying that he was going to go to his parents for a couple of days to clear his head.

We didnt speak all weekend and then when he returned he was again even more distant. We eventually sat down and he said that he needs to have a couple of weeks away to ‘sort his head out’. He said that he loved me and that it was nothing that I had done but that he was feeling very confused. Days past and he was still not eating and being sick in the mornings before work. He said that he was struggling at work and making mistakes and that he could not afford to lose his job. He worked late on a couple of occasions.

Then again, the following weekend he went to his parents to think things through. When he returned he said that he was going to move out and that he had found a house-share somewhere. I tried to talk with him some more but he was not keen to talk and again said that he loved me and that it wasn’t us. He then said that he thought he might have depression and got upset and would not look at me, I told him that it was nothing to be embarassed or ashamed about and that I want to help him. He said ‘why dont you just hate me!’ which I found strange and I explained to him that I loved him no matter what and would always be there for him. It was very emotional for the both of us, but he then left the next day whilst I was at work.

I then didnt hear from him for 11 days, I text him a few times to say that I was there for him, etc but received no reply. Then on the 12th day he text me to say that he did not want to hurt me and that it was nothing I had done, but that he wanted to get away from it all. He said he hadnt been himself lately and it was making him ill. I then called him and looking back now I probably put pressure on him as I asked a lot of questions that he did not have the answers to. He then told me that he could not handle a relationship at the moment and that he thought we should break up. I was completely devastated by this, we have been together 3½ years and lived together for 1 year. He is my life and I love him with all my heart, we were so happy together until this happened and it seems to have happened so quickly.

He said he would call me the following day, however he text me instead to see how I was. He had said in the phone call the night before that he would still like to have contact.

I could not face going into work that day as I had not got any sleep the night before. I text him back telling him that I wanted to be there for him but never heard anything and still haven’t.

I have read so many forums and articles about depression since this has all happened. Before I was quite naive about depression but have a better understanding of it now.

I have also had contact with his mum, who is also very worried about him. He seems to have shut us both out of his life. She said that whenever she talks to him, he thinks she is nagging him and he leaves.

I dont want to put anymore pressure on him but I want to be there for him. He says that he cant handle a relationship at the moment but yet (I know this might sound silly) on Facebook, we are still in a relationship. I asked him (on the phone) whether he had told anyone he had moved out and whether he would tell people we are not together and he said its no one else’s business. He seems to have shut his friends out too and seems to be going out with work friends he has never really associated with before.

He admitted that he needed help but everytime either his mum or myself mentioned about going to a doctor, he did not want to know. He said that he needs to sort his eating out first. He has become very thin and lost around a stone in weight. He needs to get help professionally as shutting himself away from the people who care about him is not going to help.

In November 2009, when he was working for a different company, where he used to get a lot of stress and pressure, he suffered a similar problem with his eating. However, we were not living together at this point and it was hard to see how badly it actually affected him. He said that every morning he would feel sick and he would barely eat anything all day. He eventually went to see a doctor and had several examinations but in the end it was put down to stress. I know he felt very let down by this conclusion and felt that they were not interested in helping him in any way, which is why I think he is reluctant to seek help now.

He has never suffered from depression in the past and nothing has happened in his life to have triggered these feelings. Could this be a whole host of things, that have creept up on him and all of a sudden become too much?

His parents divorced when he was in his early teens and he has never really spoken about this. He did not see his father for the majority of his teen years (not because he couldnt but because of the way his father had behaved) and I think in some way this has had an effect on him. He now has a fairly good relationship with his father but again he does not like to talk about things like that.

I feel very lost, confused and helpless. He is the love of my life and I do not want to lose him. I want to be there for him every step of the way but just feel lost as to what I can do to help him. I know that he has to want to get help for himself but with him being in such a distant place at the moment I want him to know that I am there for him.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I apologise if it is all over the place, that’s kind of how I feel at the moment. But I will not give up and I will stand by him.
Thanks again

Kind regards

Relationships can be difficult. When they are going well, emotionally they can provide feelings of happiness, joy, contentment and love. When a relationship is ending it can produce painful emotions, including disappointment and sadness.

In every relationship it is important to be realistic. In this case, it appears as though he is ending the relationship. Even if he hasn’t told the world or you directly, he’s still pushing you away from him. Distancing himself from you is another way of ending the relationship. It could be that he is having problems with commitment. It might also be clinical depression or another issue that no one but he (and maybe not even he) is aware of. It is impossible to know with certainty because only a clinical evaluation could determine the cause but he is unwilling to seek help. He’s not willing to listen to the suggestions of you or his mother. Both you and she have expressed your concerns about his behavior and have suggested that he seek help, to which he has replied and essentially said “no.”

Not only is he pushing you away but he is also moving away from his family and his regular friends. This might be his way of avoiding having to deal with his problems. New friends make it easier to step away from one’s problems. With his new friends, the level of conversation and interaction is likely superficial. It may afford him the luxury of not having to discuss deeper personal issues.

He is not eating in response to stress and that is not healthy. It indicates that he is feeling strong emotions but as you noted, it’s unclear what the cause may be. The fact that there is no event that precipitated his unusual behavior is another reason why it is important for him to seek help. Unfortunately, if he is not willing to seek help, then there is virtually nothing that you or his family can do to force him into treatment. The standard for forcing someone into treatment is that they must be a danger to themselves or others. An individual might also be forced into treatment if he or she cannot competently care for themselves. It is very unlikely that a court would believe that he is incompetent and thus force him into treatment. He may not be eating well but he has a place to live, he’s paying his rent, he’s going to work, and he has a social life. It is evident that he should seek treatment but the reality is that no one can force him to do this.

What should your response be in this situation? It is important to be realistic in a relationship. When you are being shut out you need to be realistic and to realize that no matter how much you may love him he is ending the relationship. Perhaps down the road he may receive professional help or decide that he wants to reconnect with you but at this time he has shut you out. In relationships, both parties have to agree to continue the relationship. When one party decides that he or she no longer wants it to continue, there is nothing the other party can do to change this fact. He has voted “no” to the relationship even if you have voted “yes.” You can’t even be his friend because he is not willing to communicate with you. You could be there in the event that he decides to reach out to you but it is important to recognize that the relationship as you knew it with him is over. It’s essential to come to terms with that fact, as difficult as it may be.

I understand that this is a very difficult time for you. If you need extra support, don’t hesitate to contact friends and family. The more support you have during difficult times the easier it will be to deal with the pain and loss. Some individuals have found it helpful to attend a grief and loss support group when dealing with similar issues. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Does my Boyfriend Have a Personality Disorder?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 23rd, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now and everything started out fine but these last few months I have started noticing a pattern. He has told me absolutely CRAZY stories about himself, for example he is in the mafia, he is really sick with internal bleeding, he has broken ribs because he went to Russia to deal with the mafia, when he was in Russia fighting in a boxing tournament the mafia captured him and turned him into a soldier where he is basically indestructible now, that he had surgery for the internal bleeding, and random people I have never heard of are texting me from his phone (when I really just think its him)but he always seems to remind me to not tell anyone anything! And he told me that he is training with this guy named Ray Trakay and sent me a picture of him and I found the picture of the guy on the internet and it was Ray Lewis (which he happened to have a Ray Lewis app on his Iphone).

So what I’m getting at is that I have been looking up personality disorders and I know I cannot diagnose him but it seems that he has the characteristics of a histrionic personality disorder. And he’s always bragging to me about how girls love him and how he “played” all these girls in high school. And when these girls text him he starts to cry because they wont leave him alone but recently he has acquired the phone number of a girl that was given to her by “Ray Trakay” and he talks to her a lot and apparently shes had such a terrible life ( I’m perfectly fine with him talking to girls…but this one is different) and he tells me how much she reminds him of me.

Then this weekend I found her under his favorites in his phone ( by the way he deletes everything in his phone history, calls, texts, etc.) and I asked him why was this so? And I asked him if he was cheating on me and he totally flipped ( he also has anger problems, BAD) and started screaming and punching things in his truck and was driving like a maniac. We finally pulled over into a parking lot that had semi trailers in it and he began hitting them and threatening to kill anyone that came near him (but me) and then he got his gun out (he has a hand gun that he keeps in his truck) and threatened to kill himself until I finally convinced him that I believed he wasn’t cheating on me. (I’m still not convinced) And he also has a tendency to talk like a baby and tell me “He’s just a baby” I think that is pretty much it though. So any advice you can give me would be great..I’m really worried for his sake and mine. Oh and he’s also been to a psychologist to help with his anger and is taking medicine for it and for anxiety/depression as well. Oh yes I remembered a few more things….he also tells me all the time how he and “everyone else” thinks hes possessed by Satan. And he always pressures me to have sex with him and tries to make me feel guilty when I won’t. I really hope you can answer my question I’m not looking for a diagnosis I’m just looking for some guidance.

It is often the case that individuals have life problems but do not necessarily meet the criteria for any specific mental health disorder. I think this may be the case with your boyfriend. A diagnosis is difficult to pinpoint.

You did not ask a specific question so I will give you my overall impression of the situation. Your concerns, I believe, are correct. There are many aspects of his behavior that are troublesome. He has the propensity to be a danger to himself and or others. Below is a list of major “red flags” that should concern you:

  • his behavior is unpredictable;
  • he becomes uncontrollably angry;
  • he carries a weapon;
  • he has threatened to kill others;
  • he has threatened to kill himself;
  • he is emotionally and psychologically unstable;
  • he believes he is possessed by Satan which is indicative of a possible break with reality; and
  • he is not truthful. He may be either knowingly concocting falsified stories or he believes them to be true. The latter would suggest that he is delusional. He also seems to be paranoid. Delusions and paranoia are signs of psychosis.

You seem to be concerned about your safety. It is good that you are not ignoring the safety risk but you may be minimizing the potential danger of the situation. This is a relationship that you should consider terminating immediately. Do not hesitate to call the police if you believe that he may harm you, himself or others. Report any threats that he makes against you to the authorities immediately. I would also recommend becoming knowledgeable about the local domestic violence shelters or respite facilities and the procedures for a protection of abuse order (often referred to as “PFA”). You should be prepared if you need to utilize these services.

Encourage him to continue his psychological treatment and medications. You should also consider reporting his behavior to his psychiatric treatment team. Due to privacy laws, they may be unable to discuss the details of this case with you but there is no law against reporting his behavior to them. That information is important and it can help the treatment team to better understand his case.

As I described above, there are many aspects of his behavior that are worrisome and place you in potential danger. If you have a specific question, please do not hesitate to write again. Please be safe and take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend is Lying to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 6th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My Bf and I have been together for a little over a year. His mother passed away in Sept. after a tough battle with cancer. I was by his side through it all. She passed on Sept. 20, 2010. On Sept. 28, 2010 he and his father met with an insurance rep to discuss his mother’s long term care policy. On October 3-6 my bf would not talk to me. He would ignore my calls and emails. Then on Oct 7. He started talking to me again as if nothing had happened. When I asked why he hadn’t been talking to me he said he was sorry but that everything with his mom had “arrived at his front door”. I was understanding and sympathetic but I had a “gut” feeling that something wasn’t quite right. A couple of weeks later he was at my house and forgot to close his email…. yes I snooped.

I found that he and the insurance rep had been emailing. These were very flirty/somewhat sexually suggestive emails. He made a comment to her about coming to see him, “preferably without undergarments” and made a comment that he “hopes everything on her is still firm”. They had very lengthy telephone conversations. (He wont spend more than 5 minutes on the phone with me, says he hates talking on the phone). The last email to her was Oct. 07 when she said she might “grace her with his presence later today.” (He was chatting with me online at the same time, telling me how his mom’s death just hit him so hard). I didn’t see any more emails after that date. I did see an email dated Oct. 19 that he sent to his ex gf telling her how much he missed her and cant stop thinking about when she was suppose to come meet him in Chicago in Oct 09. In November I found out he had been txing two 18-20 yr old girls pretending to be a 20 yr old boy (the boy who had previously had his cell number.) One of the girls told me he asked her for naked pics. I asked him several times about all of these issues. Asked him pointblank about the ins. rep. He denied anything other than a business relationship.

I finally confronted him about what I knew. He said they never had sex or kissed or anything like that and that nothing further happened after the Oct. 7 email. The problem is, he lied to me so many times before when I asked him. He looked me straight in the eye and lied. How can I trust him or should I. Am I a fool for giving him another chance? Oh, and he also lied to me yesterday about an old “friend” that he talks to all the time…actually there are two. He said he never had sexual relationship with them but I found out that he did…with both of them. I asked him again yesterday. “So you and Janice were never more than friends? You never had sex or anything like that? He said. Oh No. We always been just friends.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I do love him but I don’t want to be blind-sided again or be a complete fool.
Thank you.

You did the right thing by writing to us. I am glad you are deciding to take control of the situation. He isn’t worth another minute of your time. Let’s review. He flat out lied about five different people in the space of several weeks. Don’t kid yourself that you love him. You love his potential, not his reality. Who he is with you versus who you think he could be are two different things.

I would encourage you to find an individual therapist and plan to take better care of yourself. You deserve more than someone who isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you are. Once you get through the nuts and bolts of the breakup, I would use your therapy to find out why you thought you loved someone so lacking. This will be important to know as you begin dating again.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend has lied once, maybe twice, three times at most

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 10th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for six months. We are exclusive with one another. We live 150 miles away from each other and see each other for about one weekend a month. We talk on the telephone almost every day. Two months into the relationship, he lied to me about going to an event (who he went with, supposedly ‘a friend that is a girl’). He told me it was his sister he went with. I found out a few weeks later by accident and accepted this because the relationship was new and he has independence issues. Everything seemed to be going well until this past weekend. He called and said he had to go to a work event, but didn’t want to. He texted me from there. He texted me a couple hours later to say he was home. I asked him to call me before bedtime to say good night. He did at 1 am, but I heard him shut his car door as we were on the phone and his house alarm go off when he opened another door. I did not confront; I was just normal and said good night. He has been distant ever since. He has been busy with work this week I know, but I don’t feel right somehow. I try to believe the best scenario, but I keep going back to the bad scenario since this time is so similar (what he said, how he acted) to the prior lying episode. Do I ask him outright? Am I being untrustful? I do have trust issues related to a 14-year marriage in which there was no trust. I just don’t know what to do, but I feel very upset inside.

You must take what you learned in your 14-year relationship and put it to use. The lesson from your marriage is to deal with things sooner rather than later. The chances are good that you have chosen someone who is better than your ex, but who will also challenge you with the same issue of being untrustworthy. Regardless of what he may or may not be doing, your emotional wellbeing is at stake if you do not speak up. You are not whole if you are biting your tongue. Suspicion and mistrust are likely to dominate your thoughts as you try to move forward in the relationship. The nagging sense that you can’t trust him will linger. In other words, you would be lying to yourself about how you really feel.

Use facts and be direct with him about what you are experiencing. Rather than being accusatory, speak about what is not okay for you. It would be a description of your experience communicated for the purpose of you having a voice and informing him of your reactions. He may get angry, he may be surprised, he may be glad you spoke up. Whatever he does there are two things that are very important for you both: you need to say it, and he needs to hear it.

“I” statements, talking about your feelings and reactions, work best. You are the world’s best expert on your feelings and the work here is on finding the courage to express them. What you could say might sound something like this:

I had a very uncomfortable reaction the other night when we spoke because you texted me to say that you were home, but then later called and I could hear that you were getting out of your car and going into your home. It makes me feel like I can’t trust you to be honest with me. I have already had to confront you about not telling the truth and this causes me concern about being lied to and our future.

As strange as it might sound, this isn’t about trying to change his behavior. That may or may not happen. What it is about is learning from your marriage that you have to be clear about what isn’t okay and what you are willing to accept. If you don’t say something about your concerns it gives him tacit approval to treat you in a way you find disrespectful. Not calling him on it gives him permission to continue.

My experience has been that similar issues will emerge in relationships after a breakup, particularly after a long-term relationship. If you note the problem early and express it directly there is a much better chance the other person gets the memo on what is and isn’t acceptable. I would rather see you lose a 6-month relationship than sign up for another 14 years with the same issue at the core.

If you do end the relationship you will be more prepared for the next. The man you want to be with is someone who doesn’t make you feel betrayed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend is becoming abusive

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 17th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve dated my boyfriend for almost 17 months now, and I love him to death. He means a lot to me, and I would devastated if I ever lost him, but then again, I feel like I have lost him. I’m 16 and he’s 19 and out of school while I’m going to be a junior in high school. In the beginning of the relationship he was so sweet. He would leave me cute messages to wake up to, or call me early in the morning to say “I love you.” and he would say he hoped I had a good day, ect. He would have all kinds of cute things to say to me. He never yelled or started a fight or anything. He actually did anything to avoid one.

For the past few months of our relationship, he’s changed, a lot. He doesn’t go out of his way to do anything for me anymore, while I do a lot for him. Half of the time when I ask him to open up to me, he’s like, “I don’t know what to say..?” I just don’t understand how he can’t think of a single thing to say to me to open up, like he used to. If I get mad, he hangs up will not talk to me for a long time. He used to run after me if I got mad. Whenever we fight, he is constantly saying sorry, and then he’ll go right back to doing whatever made me mad in the first place. He says I’m controlling and I don’t let him have a life because I don’t want him hanging out with this guy who has a drinking and a drug problem.

He’ll scream at me, call me names, telling me he hopes I die, ect. He’ll say anything to me no matter how harsh it sounds. And then later once I’m crying he’ll say he didn’t mean it, he loves me, and that I just really make him angry sometimes. And it feels like the only time he apologizes to me is after I’m crying. That’s when he stops being rude and starts being caring. If I’m not crying, he’ll keep going on and on and on. He’s never actually hit me, but occasionally he’ll break something when he gets mad. He’s already made scenes in front of his own family because he got angry with something I did. If I go out with friends, he’ll start getting cocky and being rude. If I talk to a guy, he starts calling him my second boyfriend, and he’ll get angry.

If I don’t answer my phone right away, he’ll call repeatedly. The one day, I was out with a friend and I didn’t answer my phone when he called. And he called repeatedly. By the time I checked my phone, I had 80 missed calls, 5 texts, and 2 voicemails. Often he’ll go out, tell me he’ll be home later, and then he’ll stay out all night. Every time though he’ll have an excuse as to why I didn’t hear from him. Yet, if I do that, I hear about it for the entire next month. He says everything is my fault because there was one time where I did lie to him, but that was over a year ago and I’ve apologized for it countless times. He says if I wouldn’t have done what I did, we would’ve never started fighting.

He’s 19 years old, he still lives at home with his dad. He never finished high school and didn’t even get his GED. He had a job but got fired. He doesn’t even have a liscence. He keeps constantly telling me, that he’s going to go for his liscence soon and that after he gets it, he’ll go look for a job, and then go for his GED, and then go back to a trade school so he can work with cars as his future job. But he has yet to do any of that and whenever I bring it up, he snaps and starts screaming at me.

He always has something negative to say about everything I do. Whatever tv show I’m watching, he’ll say something along the lines of “That show is retarded. It’s nothing but drama.”, or if I hang out with a certain friend, “She’s fat. She’s a bad influence. She’s nothing but drama.” ect.

Now, I have a job and I have my drivers permit, I’m going for my liscence in a few months. He’s trying to talk me out of getting my liscence because he thinks I should wait until I’m 18 to drive. He says I’m too young to drive and I’ll cause an accident. Whenever I get paid and I tell him, he’ll immediately respond with, “So how much money have you already wasted?” And so on and so forth. I’m so sick of being treated this way.

But he acts abusive, obsessive, controlling, and every time I try to leave he’ll threaten to move far away, or sometimes he’ll threaten to tell my parents anything that I’ve done behind their backs. Yet he claims that he’ll only do that if I ever cheat on him. He makes it extremely difficult to leave him. And often he’ll say “It’s over.”, and then call back and be like “You know I didn’t mean it baby, I love you, of course I don’t want to lose you.” And even though he puts me through all of it, I still care about him. Deeply. And I feel like I’m the one who’s kept him out of trouble, and part of me feels like if I do ever leave him, he’ll screw up his life more than it already is, and I don’t want to see him end up like that.

Any advice? I’m so lost…

This is very hard, isn’t it. You fell in love with a sweet boy. While you’ve been growing up, he’s been regressing. It looks to me like you still love the boy he was rather than the man he has become.

Sometimes people ask me a question they already know the answer to. I think this may be the case here. No one deserves to be screamed at and told horrible things like she should die. You know it. I know it. Even your boyfriend knows it. He knows that you are what stands between him and being a complete failure. But here’s the thing: He needs to deal with his own problems to become the man who is worthy of your love and care.

Please consider taking a break and going out with other people. Enjoy your high school years. They will be over all too fast. If this fellow shapes up (meaning gets his GED, his license, a job and a respectable lifestyle), you can revisit whether you want to be with him. If he doesn’t, you won’t have wasted any more of your time and your life on him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Show My Boyfriend He Has Paranoid Personality Disorder?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 30th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So, after trying to figure out what has been up with my boyfriend in the last couple of years I think I may have found an answer; he may have PPD – Paranoid Personality Disorder. Problem is, how do I show him this without getting blown up at or called crazy? (The blame usually gets turned around to me because it’s never their fault). We have known each other for 11 years and met online that long ago. He has never told me his last name, or the schools he went to or his parents names or the majority of his friends names (I only know a couple whom he doesn’t talk to anymore), I only found out last year what city he lives in and have only ever received one picture of him two years ago. He also ‘does not feel ready’ to come out and see me. I found a page on this disorder and it’s him in a nutshell. Even though I am emotionally exhausted and getting to the end of my rope with him, I at least want to point out an issue that will probably mess up his other encounters too if not treated. He also wants to go as in leave me, yet does not go and complains about the relationship a bunch. Here is a list off a site of some symptoms;

“People with PPD are always on guard, believing that others are constantly trying to demean, harm, or threaten them. These generally unfounded beliefs, as well as their habits of blame and distrust, might interfere with their ability to form close relationships. People with this disorder:

* Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them
* Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them
* Are unforgiving and hold grudges
* Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly
* Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others
* Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate
* Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful
* Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous
* Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts, believing they are always right
* Have difficulty relaxing
* Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative

His family has also been split up for over a year now, his dad having cheated on mom 3 times. The thing is, is that even when we were young and that was happening in his household, he never behaved like this to me. Could the rush of testosterone during puberty do it? It has been shown to promote anti social behavior and lack of empathy towards others. Who knows…

Unfortunately, there is no feasible way to know if your boyfriend has paranoid personality disorder (PDD). You’ve included a list of the symptoms as well as a description of the disorder but nothing you’ve written leads me to believe that he has PDD. This is not to say that he does not have it but I can’t tell if he does from your letter.

I also want to add that I find your relationship to be somewhat unusual. You wrote that you’ve known each other for 11 years but you don’t know his last name, the schools he attended, and other basic personal information. You practically know nothing about him. Additionally, it’s not clear in your letter but it seems as though you’ve never met in person. I’m not sure I understand how you could carry on this relationship for so long with a virtual stranger.

I would caution anyone from dating an individual who would withhold basic information about themselves. When it comes to the Internet, I can understand not sharing personal information in the first few days of interacting online. You’d want to get to know someone a little better before you’d share personal information with them. That I understand and I think it’s smart. According to your letter, however, you’ve known this individual for 11 years and you know very little about him. It’s odd that he has not provided you basic personal information but what’s even more peculiar is that you’ve stayed in this relationship for 11 years with a person you barely know and have never met.

I’d suggest before you continue this relationship you find out who this person is. What is his last name? Why will he not share basic information about himself with you after 11 years? It also would have been interesting to know how often you and he communicated or if the two of you have ever spoken on the phone. Do you know where he lives? Perhaps you’re dating a convicted felon who is contacting you from prison. Perhaps not but it is a possibility, unless you have evidence otherwise.

If he’s not willing to reveal basic information about himself at this point then it’s reasonable to conclude he never will. If that’s the case I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with this person and make it a point to only involve yourself with individuals willing to share more than just their first name.

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