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Difficulty Building Life After Bad Times

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 26th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have had a very rocky path since finishing university 3 years ago. I have been unable to settle down in one place geographically or professionally, largely due to my desire to keep a relationship with my now ex boyfriend together. I met him in university and we were together for 3,5 years. We broke up 3 weeks ago and, though I am very sad that he is no longer a part of my life, I am looking forward to the future and the opportunities it has in store.

The problem is that in the aftermath of the relationship I have realized that I placed far too little emphasis on my life as an individual. I made some bad decisions, like following my boyfriend around where he found a job in order for us to be together. We come from different countries so I focused on keeping the relationship rather than working on my own career after uni. I think that I was suffering from mild depression, which was exacerbated by my inability to find a job in the place I moved to with my partner. I was feeling low and unable to do much and expected my boyfriend to be an emotional rock, which he really tried to be for me. I realize now that this was unfair and wrong. After a time of unsuccessful job hunting I decided that I would go back to my home country to pursue further education. Another series of unlucky events followed and now I find myself back home, with an unsatisfactory social life, in a job I do not want and newly single.

I would like to use this time in my life to turn things around and consciously build the kind of future that I want. My biggest problem is that I feel unable to open up to and share my feelings with anyone but my ex and we are no longer in touch. I also find it difficult to define what I want career wise and organize myself well enough to achieve any future goals. I am rather lost and think that my lack of success is due to my own errors in judgment. I would like to avoid making the same mistakes again. I am dealing well enough with the grief of losing my partner, but being fulfilled by my social and professional life seems far off at the moment. I would appreciate any practical advice as well as an external perspective on the situation.

It sounds like you have learned a lot from this loss. You understand where you lost yourself and what decisions placed you and the relationship in a precarious position.

Moving forward toward realizing your dreams and goals sounds like the right idea. It’s unclear from the letter if you are attending advanced studies while you are living at home. If you are, then I would highly recommend you talk to counselors at university who specialize in this transition time for young adults. Focusing on yourself is the right idea and finding a supportive professional who can listen and help sort it all through this and next right step.

If you’re not in university now I would recommend recieving some counseling so you have a better understanding of your options and needs.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Trying to Help a Friend Move on from a Very Unhealthy Relationship

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 19th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, this is about a friend/coworker as a waitstaff a mom with a son, who has been swindled by a known womanizer 4 years ago.

She was married at the time, and loved her son very much very positive and outgoing. But one day one of our regular customer, a guy I knew who left his wife and son to live a singles life, got his eye on her and private messaged her through Facebook. Eventually got her number, texted her often, even sent her a picture of his genitals “by accident”. And throughout this time I’m trying to stop her.

Long story short she cheats on her husband kicks her husband (a nice guy) out of her house and lives with the man and her son 6 yo at the time. Completely cuts me off. After a year of free rent the guy save up enough to buy a house, she will send her son to her ex husband, on the weekends so she can just live a life not caring about her son, go on vacation, go to a hotel, go to clubs etc.

After 4 years of living like that she finally realizes he has been cheating on her all along and PMed me a year ago, told me her story which had many red flags she failed to realize within the 4 years of pretty much being treated like a slut, controlled, abuse, child neglect etc. and now moved in with her ex.

She is very sorry about everything she has done. But with a slightest stress she will go crazy and says she needs him and needs to have sex with him, she doesn’t care about her son etc. She would start a fight with her ex so she can go to mans house, and she did one time spend the night as her ex let her go. Anyways I did “alot” of things for her for a year so she can be normal again, she would threaten me that she will go back to him if I don’t help her do this and that. And now apparently the man just broke up with the girl he was cheating on and now I can’t get a hold of her, calls me annoying. It really tears me apart after so many of my time and support I gave her was in vain. Please help!

Sadly, your friend might have been using you. When she needed your help she contacted you. When she didn’t she ignored you. You were her friend of convenience.

As a general rule, treat people the way they treat you. No better and no worse. Based upon your description of events, you had more invested in this relationship than she did. There was a clear imbalance.

We cannot control other people. You can offer your advice but understand that the recipient may or may not take it. That is their prerogative. You can only control your behavior and your reactions in any situation.

It can be difficult to watch people we care about make mistakes. For deeply personal reasons, she chose to live her life the way she did. She made mistakes for which she will have to pay the consequences.

You can’t change history but you can change your future interactions with her and others. In the future, don’t put more effort into a relationship than the other party does. Having this type of boundary will protect you from future disappointments. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Everyone I Love Leaves, I’m Always Alone

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 4th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My mom left me, my dad, and brother about a year ago. Leaving me to do with my depressed family members and picking up the pieces that’s she broke. Now she’s married with a new friend family stating how she should never been happier. I’m not Sure why I could not maleness her that happy. Now my dad wants to leave me and my brother to give start a new life if we without us saying how we are a burden to take care of. I had a boyfriend for a while who I loved but he left also. All I have is love for all these people but they’ve all left anyways. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me that makes everyone want to leave. I have a hard time even having any sort of friendship or relationship now because i know they will all eventually leave me also. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore I have no motivation to do anything ever. I have a constant pit in my stomach and my heart is always in pain. I want to stop hurting im this way but I do not know where to start and how to continue on with much life even after everyone has left.

You wrote that your mother, father and boyfriend “left”, but it’s not clear what you mean by “left.” Once a child becomes an adult, they “leave” their family to start their own lives. They are attempting to become an independent adult. It would be unusual if parents characterized that experience as having been “left.” It’s not personal; it is developmentally appropriate.

Likewise, the same may be true about your family. Their leaving may not be personal.

There seems to have been a separation between your parents. They may have moved on to new relationships which would be expected after a separation. Their having moved on to new relationships should not necessarily be seen as them “leaving” you. It could be them simply trying to live their lives.

Regarding your boyfriend, breakups are common. Typically, you will break up over and over again until you meet the person you will marry. Often, those breakups are not mutually agreed-upon decisions. In other words, one person is unhappy about the breakup. The problem in the relationship might simply have been that the two of you were not a match.

The bottom line is that their leaving may have nothing to do with you. They may simply be attempting to live their lives. They may not have “left” you at all. It likely has nothing to do with you.

You may be seeing a pattern where there is none, but I don’t have enough information to make any such determination, based on just a short letter. Thus, I would recommend meeting with an in-person therapist. They can analyze whether or not you are accurate in your perceptions. Give it a try. It could help to relieve the psychological distress you feel about these issues. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Can’t Get Over My Ex

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 28th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Me and my ex have been broken up for 2 years now. We met when I was a senior in high school 18yo and he was 21. About 2 and a half years older. We broke up because he had to leave Florida for a job in Chicago after college and I was told that’s the only reason. Our relationship was going good and we both really liked each other but apparently he liked the thought of the job and his potential life in Chicago more or maybe he felt it was just something he had to do. 2 months before he had to move away he broke up with me because he realized he was probably going to move away and he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he had to and thought it’d be smart to end it earlier than later. I freaked out and basically lost my mind and was beyond depressed until we got back together. He texted me telling me he missed me and we got back together until right before he had to move. Ever since he moved and away and we broke up I’ve been severely depressed and even felt suicidal at times. I basically just feel like my whole life has been taken away and I can’t stop thinking about him. I literally think about him 24/7 and feel an unbearable pain every time I think about him and it’s just too much. Usually people take a bit and get over their ex, but it’s been 2 years and I still would do anything for me and him to get back together. I still think about him first thing when I wake up and last thing before I go to bed and I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with him. He was just an average looking (to most people) very nice normal guy that was going to college and as soon as I met him I instantly fell in love. I’ve tried everything possible but I just can’t get over him and I seriously need help. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life and it’s all day every day. Please help.

To make this change will require deliberate effort. There is no easy shortcut. When you allow your thoughts to return to the loss and look for him to return, it doesn’t give you the chance to grieve. Breaking up is difficult, but ruminating about it can be even more devastating. If you want to feel better you will need some support to make the change. Reaching out here to LifeHelper is a great first step. The way to follow this up is by finding a support group or individual therapy. As far as books are concerned I like the daily meditations offered in the book The Language of Letting Go. They can be applied to your situation and will help you untangle from your ex.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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4 Year Relationship Crumbling

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 26th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. I have found a situation similar to mine with the title of “My Girlfriend Lost Her Feelings” answered by Dr. Marie Harwell-Walker on psychcentral. However, I wanted to further the question into what actually the person who will be waiting can do.

In the answer to the question, Dr. Marie said how people’s lives diverge when they go off and have different experiences with different people. My girlfriend is living overseas, and this rings very true to me. She got involved in her new life, which made her question our relationship. At the end, she said she no longer feels emotions towards me. I had to let her go.

It has been a week since we have broken up. I agree that more likely, she will find someone who has more things in common with the people around her. While I realize there isn’t much that I can do, I want to do what is possible to kindle that possibility of meeting again and starting over in a couple of years.

I am not contacting her at this moment, and do not plan to do so for a long time, until I have stabilized. At the same time, I do want to know from my girlfriend’s point of view, on what I can do to maximize the chance that we will meet again in the future.

We have always spoken about how she will come to the states to go off to the east coast together when I go there for my graduate degree. We have dreamed of that moment together, but I know she no longer feels that strongly in her heart. My plan is to live strong in the next 2 years or so, and to visit her overseas to meet her and to convince her to join me in what we planned so long ago.

I know people have told me to forget, and to live my life. But this person is whom I have promised more than marriage with, and I do not want to lose her if I can.

Please advise me on what the best direction I can take is.

If your ex-girlfriend has made it clear that she isn’t interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, you better listen. She’s explained that she doesn’t have these feelings for you anymore, and while it is difficult, holding onto those feelings isn’t healthy for you. Going in orbit around your ex-girlfriend is putting your life on hold — with no guarantee that you would even meet again, much less start up a relationship again.

I would take the next several months to heal. Perhaps individual or group therapy can help. The work for you now is on making new connections, meeting new people, and learning new things — not on plotting some romantic chance meeting in the future with your ex girlfriend. Put the effort into self-care now. That is the best place to invest your time, energy, and resources.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Really Want a Second Chance

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 18th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Canada: We had been going out for two years and a half, loved listening rock music together and we were first loves. He was my first and I was his. We would have celebrated our third year together June 12th 2016 had he not broken up with me on march 7th. I loved him so much, but I began slipping away when he wasn’t trying to get me anymore (didn’t make me feel wanted) so then I started being distant, rude, and it wasn’t hard for me to start arguments on anything. I realize I pushed him away so much. When we had arguments he saw me as an evil person who didn’t know when to stop arguing. I realize we had a serious lack of communication, and that I was trying to get his love back by fighting and making him feel bad so he would love me more. That logic makes no sense, I know. I feel incredibly sorry about everything I have done to push him away in the relationship. We moved in together for our first year of university and that is when things started to go down. I didn’t cook much, didn’t listen to him, anything. I would love for him to see how wonderful I truly am and not the person he’d been with for the past year. His parents are very much involved in his life. On the night before he broke up with me I texted him because he hadn’t texted me in two days (we went home for march break) and was upset over it. He told me he wanted to spend time with his family and that if I had nothing good to say to not text him. I left him alone but I called him around 11pm. He was drunk at a friends. I told him our relationship was obviously over if he were to do things like that, I swore a bit on text, etc. The next day he texted me he was on his way home, that I was to find my own drive and that he was going up with his parents and moving out because he couldn’t do this anymore. His parents told him to move out, I am fairly certain. Some parts of our texts he said he still has feelings, and at the end he told me no. Please help fix this!

Thank you for asking your question. The “fix” for this has to do with letting go and taking the good that was in the relationship forward — while learning from the parts that went bad. Just because you want him back doesn’t mean that is where the work is. The priority is to understand why you pushed him away and why you chose to: “… get his love back by fighting and making him feel bad so he would love me more.” Until you recognize why this was your chosen strategy it is likely to happen again.

Before you pursue him take some time talking to a counselor at the university. Don’t jump back into this or another relationship until you can learn a bit more about yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Devastated

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 14th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t understand how we were in love one minute and then it was like me and our relationship never existed. I was in a loving genuine relationship. At least I thought I was. He had me on cloud 9. I was in love and Happy and I had no doubts that he felt the same. We were vulnerable to one another, he put me in his future when he talked about it. Then one day out of nowhere he needed to miss me and it all went downhill from there. He needed space but his space was occupied by another woman either before he needed space or just days after. I’m heartbroken and hurt and disappointed, I never seen this coming. There were no signs of this about to happen. I’m going through hell emotionally and he is happy with someone else just like that. It’s like I don’t exist, like our relationship was nothing. Now within two months the new girlfriend is pregnant. I’m totally devastated by all of this. I was totally blindsided!

I’m not certain of your exact question. Because I do not know your question, I will provide a general answer.

You mentioned that he had you on “cloud nine.” Cloud nine is a phrase people use when they want to express their elation or happiness. It reminds me of when people say they are “head over heels” in love with someone. If someone were “head over heels” they would be upside down and thus off-balance.

If you were on “cloud nine” or “head over heels” for him, perhaps it was you that was off-balance. Your elation about the relationship may have made you oblivious to its possible problems. It would be wise to review the relationship, with objectivity, for any red flags that you may have missed. You stated explicitly that there “were no signs of this about to happen.” You could be correct, but it’s worth analyzing the relationship to determine if there was anything you missed. Just because you didn’t see the signs does not mean there were none.

Was he equally as happy? Did his behavior match yours? Did he call you as much as you called him? Was there any imbalance in the way the two of you interacted? Were you overly happy? Had you missed any signs that he was not as happy as you were?

There may have been signs that you missed or that you simply didn’t have enough experience in relationships to know a bad one from a good one. That is a realistic possibility. The fact that he could so easily move on and begin a new relationship likely means that he was not as into the relationship as you were. If the two of you were equally as happy, and in love, then he would not have ended it and moved on to someone else, so quickly.

He was probably not the person you thought he was. Perhaps you were projecting your wants, wishes and desires on to him without realizing that he was not as into the relationship as you were.

Alternatively, it could’ve been that he was leading you on and lying. That’s also a possibility. The fact that he moved on to a new relationship so easily, and impregnated her so quickly, means that he could’ve been dating her and you at the same time. It’s important to review the relationship to see what you may have missed.

Given how devastated you are feeling at this point in time, you may not be able to be as objective as you need to be in reviewing what happened. In that case, it would be wise to consult a therapist. Therapists have extensive knowledge in relationships and could help you analyze what happened. Therapy would help you to understand what happened so that you can be better prepared for future relationships.

You thought things were well and they clearly weren’t. If there were problems or red flags, it’s important to determine what those were so you don’t make similar mistakes in the future.

Intimate relationships rarely end with two people simultaneously agreeing to break up. Usually, one person doesn’t want it to end and they are the ones who suffer the most. Unfortunately, in this case, you were the one who didn’t want it to end and are the one who is suffering. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. Don’t let this one relationship sour you for future potential mates. There are many people who would never treat you the way this man did. Don’t give up searching for those good people. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Fiancé Kid Issues When He Doesn’t See Kids

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 7th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am not a very emotional person, my fiancé is, and he is very calm, doesn’t lose his temper or cuss. I met him during his divorce and helped him a lot in his efforts to get dual custody of his 4 kids. The divorce was 2 years long and so ugly. He was okay, but the kids mom accused him of so many things, called the police every single time he had visitation and tried to have him arrested often, but we always had witnesses and recordings, he was a very very good dad. The mom put me in a gun club online and took the registration to court to show the judge I had a gun and was trying to kill her (I have not ever shot a gun, or owned one). She also got a 2 wk job at my doctors office, altered my records then ran out with copies. We kept trying to get visitation with the kids, but it only got uglier, my fiance didn’t give up, but after 2 years, it took it’s toll and we had to break up because his kids were starting to attack my kids online calling me names and coming to my house. He moved out of state, and the mom told him the kids wanted to go with him. She moved the kids to his new place and then refused to leave. His mom passed away and he requested the mom not go to funeral which angered the kids, they attacked him, he didn’t fight back. Police came and saw he was marked up, and the kids had no scratch, but the mom and kids always have a rehearsed story, so they said it was him. He also had marks on his neck because his teen son tried twice to strangle him with wire while driving. The police suggested the mom and kids leave. He had no more relationship with the kids. We reconnected because he was back from his mom passing. We got back together almost 2 yrs ago, with the understanding that I’m not dealing with his kids and aside from him being a little emotionally needy, we are a good couple. I love him, he loves me. I find myself disliking the kids and I feel horrible about it, but I’ve said ugly things about them. I went from wanting to be the best step mom to “hate your kids”. His teen daughter had a baby this week. I have been terrified that he may want to reconnect with them. I keep asking him, are you tempted to see the baby? He says no. Today he went to see them. I understand wanting to see baby, but I stuck to my terms and ended the relationship. This is the 3rd time in last few months he has done things with/for kids without discussing w/me first. I would have supported him in seeing the baby, but he lied and snuck. What do I do?

If you are going to marry your fiancé, you will have to tolerate his children and ex-wife. It is unfair and unrealistic to ask him to cut ties with his children no matter how dysfunctional they or his ex-wife may be. He is their father and will likely have some involvement with them for the rest of his life.

You have a decision to make. If you decide to marry him, then accept that his family will be part of your life. If you don’t wish to be involved with his family, then strongly reconsider your decision to get married.

Every decision has consequences. Objectivity and clarity are of paramount importance when making major life decisions. It might be helpful to discuss this decision with a therapist. A therapist could assist you in thinking through what your life would be like with or without him and by extension with or without his family. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Change of Heart: Long-Distance Relationship and Semi-Open Relationship

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. February 1st, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’ve been in a 6 year LDR with a bf who I LOVE but I absolutely hate how the LDR has turned into a complete nightmare for me. We met right before I transferred away for college & he left a year later. I was in CA and he was in NY. We made it work but only because I would pull tooth & nail to get him to agree for me to come visit. This happened every 2-4 months when I reached my limit for being away from him. His dream was to work abroad after college so he left to Seoul. That was 3 years ago and he’s been throughout Asia since, changed careers twice and is now starting his own company. My issue is multi-faceted: 1) I’m starting med school next year and have made it very clear that I needed him to be a part of this extremely impt process 2) He has a girlfriend that he’s lived with for 2 years and been with for longer. I know about her, she doesn’t know about me. I don’t date other men but he has gf’s that I’ve known about since we started but due to the abuse our relationship has taken I’m now against him having his live-in gf because of the wedge it’s put in our relationship. We’ve gotten to a point where his travels and lifestyle has reduced our relationship to texting and maybe a 5 minute phone call weekly. He’s great when we’re actually physically together. I just absolutely hate who he is or isn’t for our relationship when he’s away. How do I express my desire to close this relationship without making him feel like I don’t support his work? Have I let this go way too far with the travel + gf’s (Why buy a cow when the milk’s free)? We’ve planned for kids, marriage, I live with his parents. Help I’m so confused when I wake up at least once a week infuriated and wanting to and have attempted to break up with him because this relationship has been reduced to bits.

I’m not sure what you are waiting for. I’d say it time to walk away from him and into your life. It sounds to me like you have always put more into the relationship than he has, and you have no reason to worry about him. He is living with someone else, for Pete’s sake! How can you be planning marriage and children when he has never really been a true partner?

I’m not sure why you are worried that if you break it off with him it somehow implies that you don’t support his career. That’s all you’ve done, and where is he now that it’s your time to focus on medical school? Is he running to be by your side?

To be even more blunt, I’m not really sure you have a relationship to walk away from.  Does texting and a 5-minute phone call really constitute a significant relationship? I don’t mean to be harsh, it’s just that it seems to me that you have made enough sacrifices and have not received much in return. Medical school is difficult and time consuming and it’s also your time to shine. Let go of him, let go of the past, and open yourself up to all the possibilities in front of you.  Chances are that when you do, a real partner will show up and walk this path beside you.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Abusive Ex: Should I Be Concerned About My Safety?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 26th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

i left my abusive boyfriend a year ago. i had no choice, but to move into a domestic violence shelter because i had no money and he took every cent i had!

i got my life together….got a job and my own apartment…i live alone and the thought of being with someone else makes me anxious because i have been through so much!! i am a very attractive women and very outgoing, but i simply go to work and come home to my cats.

recently, i was driving to my therapist’s office i was being followed.. when i pulled into the parking lot….my ex got out of the car pleading with me for closure….i called my therapist to come out … i told ex how he was mentally ill and that he treated me as though i was a slacker and took all my $$$ … i told him to move on cause i moved on…at that moment my therapist came out of office and told my ex that he got closure … goodbye.

after therapy session, i found a note on my car door from my ex …in note he pleaded with me to get in contact with him so i could hear his side of the story and that he misses me more than i know…

should i be concerned for my safety, even though i was never physically abused in the relationship (only emotionally abused)? and nothings happen to me in a whole year since i left him?

I only have limited information but I believe that you should be concerned. One major red flag is that he was following you. You believe that it was only a one-time occurrence but you don’t know that for sure. There could have been other occasions that you are unaware of. His behavior could be considered stalking.

Another red flag is that he continues to feel very strongly about the breakup. As you noted in your letter, you were able to move on with your life. He has not been able to do the same. This is not a normal reaction to a breakup. Breakups are upsetting but over time most people come to accept the fact that the relationship is over. They move on with their lives. The fact that considerable time has passed and he has not accepted reality is a concern.

Another red flag is that he has a history of abusing you. You did not detail the full nature of the abuse but the fact the you were forced to move into a shelter is a sign that it was significant. Psychologically healthy people do not abuse their partners. This is yet another example of his psychological instability.

The fact that nothing has happened yet should not be taken as a sign that nothing will happen. Some of the most violent attacks occur without warning. Research shows that individuals who are separated or divorced are at the greatest risk for stalking. In addition, women are more likely to be victims of stalking than men.

My advice is to be on high alert. Take precautionary measures in every situation. Do not hesitate to call the police or file a police report if something suspicious occurs. Do not minimize any aspect of his behavior. Stalking is about power and control and in that way it is very similar to domestic violence.

If he attempts any additional contact with you, file a police report and inquire about an order of protection. I would also encourage you to read about stalking and how you can best protect yourself. Every state has anti-stalking laws. Know the laws in your state. Two helpful resources are the National Center for Victims of Violent Crime website and the National Institute of Justice. I hope this helps. Please take care and stay safe.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Trust Issues With Boyfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 14th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Me and my boyfriend have been going out nearly 2 years,but in between there has been 3 breakups, most are because of trust. my boyfriend seems to LOVE me to pieces but at the same time wants hes hands on other girls not to cheat but to flirt leading to cheating, because of these issuses i have become very possecive and clingey and talking to my family they just say “dump him he clearly doesnt love you as much as you think if he flirts to other girls” but they dont understand how much i love him and couldnt dump him for flirting as hes a boy! but lately since we have just started going out again for 2 month now he has texted more girls than ever saying innapropriate things, the thing that hurts me is he PROMISES he wont do it again and he does but lately im starting to belive him abit more, but he still texts girls but wont let me see hes phone, also lately he wants to go out in bigger cites with out me as hes 18 and im 17, i cant hold him back but i really dont have ANY trust in him at all, he has told me he has 100% trust in me but i have about 20%, i told him before he goes out he needs to show me i can trust him, but i dont know how to do that cause if he went out n did cheat i wouldnt know. after 2 months of constant paranoia and possesiveness im always upset and dont belive anything he says and start to push him away after a argument because i think of the things he has said to a girl, i know after all this i should just break up but he is my other half and i NEVER want to loose him i want to solve our problems and be together forever. how can he show me he is faithful and be belive me, i know he needs space and i cant take away hes freedom to be a boy but im crushed and when hes not with me (baring in mind we live 60 miles apart and i see him every other day) i feel alone and always want to see where he is and i shouldnt. please help.

The basis of any good relationship is trust. If you don’t have trust then you don’t have a solid relationship. I understand that you do not want to lose this relationship but consider that your partner has lied to you in the past and may be lying again.

At this time he is not being fully honest with you. He refuses to show you his phone to prove that he is not texting other girls. He may not be texting other girls but he’s unwilling to prove it by showing you his phone. How do you continue a relationship when you can’t trust your partner? Trust has to be earned. He has given you no reason to believe that he has stopped cheating, especially in light of his current suspicious texting behavior.

When someone shows you their “true colors” then you must see them for who they are. People can change but it’s not clear that your boyfriend has or is willing to. If you continue to ignore his behavior and act as though he won’t cheat again (when he might be), then you risk getting hurt. You may be engaging in denial. Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism that protects oneself from uncomfortable facts.

I understand this may not be the answer you wanted to hear, but it’s unhealthy for you to ignore the truth. It’s also important to analyze why you may be willing to tolerate his problematic behavior. It’s virtually impossible to be in a relationship with someone you cannot trust. If I were your therapist I would be trying to understand why you may be willing tolerate this behavior from your partner. One explanation is low self-esteem. Another explanation may be that you’re not sure what a healthy and trusting relationship is like.

If you are having difficulty letting go of this relationship or understanding why it might be unhealthy, then you should consider therapy. I cannot say, based on a short letter, whether this is an unhealthy relationship for you. I suspect that it is. If you are in a relationship with someone who constantly lies and whom you cannot trust, then generally speaking it is not advisable for you to stay.

Lastly, I would suggest discussing these issues with a therapist. He or she can help you analyze the situation and advise you about how best to proceed. You may not need therapy for very long, perhaps only a few sessions. You may also want to read self-help books about healthy relationships and how to build self-esteem. If you’d like to find a therapist please click on this link that will take you to a directory of local mental health professionals. Thank you for your question and I wish you the best of luck.

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